01x07 - Fashion Victim

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing]

It's so good to be home.

Hey, guys, could you keep it down?

I've gotta finish these
songs for the next record.

[scoffs] You're already working
on new songs?

We've been home for, like,
what, ten minutes?

Yeah, and I'm not even done
with the second song yet.

I hope I don't have writer's block.

Nothing like a power nap.

Here's Frankie Bear,
but where's Frankie?

How long have you been in there?

Since your last drum solo.

Hey, Frankster,
haven't seen you since--

We were playing hide and seek?

Oh, right.
Sorry about that.

I guess you win.
[chuckles]

I'll be in my man-cave.

All right, look,
Mom told me to tell you guys

to clean out the tour bus
and do your dirty laundry.

And I should warn you, she had that,

"Clean out the tour bus and do
your dirty laundry" look on her face.

But, Dad, there's ten weeks
of dirty laundry on that bus.

We go back to school on Monday.

It's our last weekend of freedom.
We want to go wild.

-You know, do something crazy.
-Like sleep.

I'll fix it with Mom, all right?
But look, first thing in the morning

you've got to do the laundry, all right,

before those clothes go out on tour
by themselves. [chuckles]

If our clothes go on tour by themselves,

my leather pants
get their own dressing room.

Just do it.

So, gentlemen,
I've just loaded all your clothes back

into what I like to call
"The Stellavator."

Patent pending.
Check it out.

You too, Nick.

OK, I've cross-referenced everything

according to brother, season,
occasion, and fashion curve,

which, as usual thanks to me,
we're ahead of.

For example, Joe...

-It's Saturday night...
-[screen beeping]

It's a movie premiere,
it's summertime.

Wow, that is sick.
OK, do one for me.

OK.

Weekend, photo sh**t, spring.

Wow, that is too cool.

OK, but do you see those pants?
I need new pants.

[alarm sounds]

No clashing allowed.

Any changes must be approved
through my department, which is me.

Cool. Are these pants OK
to get something to eat?

-'Cause I'm starving.
-Come with?

Oh, I'd love to,

but I have to replace the knees
in all of Kevin's pants.

Why do you insist on power-sliding
across stage every night?

Because I'm awesome.

He is awesome.

Anyway, it's probably gonna take me
all night by myself.

[sighs]

-Have fun.
-Bye, see ya.

I'm so hungry.

See you, Stella.

Uh, one... Ah, never mind.

-[theme music playing]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was sitting at home ♪

♪ Watching TV all alone ♪

♪ So tired of routines ♪

♪ The day goes on and on ♪

♪ So I pick up the phone ♪

♪ Call everyone I know ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a party ♪

♪ Hit the music, here we go, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

-How did you learn to do that?
-Piano lessons.

Sorry. I know I'm late. Sorry.

-Hey, I was worried about you.
-Really?

I mean, you know,
we were all worried about you.

Right, guys?

-I guess.
-About what?

So, in a couple days we're flying to
England to meet the prime minister,

so he can personally thank you guys
for those charity concerts you did.

I know he's like the president
of England and all,

but what did they say
to call him again?

It was something like "Primey."

I'm gonna call him "Primo."

We call him "Mr. Prime Minister."

-Oh, right. I need to write that down.
-[Stella] Right.

Anyway, I designed this
new look for you guys

because the whole world
is going to be watching

and you have to look amazing
at the ceremony.

Hey, Stella.

Oh, hey there, Van d*ke.

Thanks for the study help this morning.

You know,
I can take down two linebackers at once,

but I can't tackle Shakespeare.

[both laughing]

Tackle... that's funny.

I mean, it's just your standard,

"Discuss five opposites
in Romeo and Juliet."

Well, yeah, but before you came along,
all I could come up with is,

"Juliet's a girl and Romeo's a dude."

[both laughter]

[mock laughing]

Stop it, Van d*ke.
You're making my sides hurt.

Seriously, we were having a meeting

about how we're meeting
the prime minister of England tomorrow.

Oh, England, that's the home
of Shakespeare, right?

Right.

-We make such a good team.
-Yay, team.

[quietly]
"Yay, team"?

Can we please get back to reality,
as in us looking amazing for our ceremony?

Stay beautiful.
[clicks tongue]

[chuckles]
Hey, Stella. Stella.

-Hey, Stella.
-Huh? Hi. Sorry.

I know you're tutoring Van d*ke,
but I hope you didn't forget

you were gonna help me
with my math tonight.

Of course I'm not going to forget.
You're my special project.

Special project?
I like that.

Well, if you two are done being adorable,
can we get back to the meeting, please?

-Right, I'm sorry.
-Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, take a look at these pants.

-Those are cool...
-I know, right? Van d*ke wears those.

Except for the belt loop,
the color, the fabric.

On second thought, I hate them.

-Well, I gotta get to class.
-I'll see you later.

[Nick] See ya.

I mean, I can't believe Van d*ke Tosh
thinks that he and I make a great team.

I can't believe you got to
smell Nick up close.

I've always imagined he smelled
like chocolate-chip cookies,

sugar-free, of course.

And on the other hand,
I bet you Kevin smells like heaven.

And it's true because it rhymes.

And the best part is
Van d*ke asked me out.

Tonight he's taking me to see

Pretty Princess II 3-D:
Crowns A-poppin.

That's, like, a total chick flick.

No guy would take a girl
to that on purpose. [laughs]

Van d*ke would.
He is so romantic.

I can't believe I'm going out
with the cutest guy in school.

Correction, fourth cutest.

Cool. Can you make
a pop-up of me and Van d*ke?

Yeah... Oh, after I'm done grouting
my life-size Jonas mosaic. [chuckles]

-Just a sec.
-OK.

A life-size mosaic, huh?

Nick, were you saying that
you were looking for Joe?

-Yeah.
-I think I found him.

You don't think Stella would blow me off
for a date with Van d*ke, do you?

Man, this is a tough one:
the captain of the football team,

a guy with banana peel
on his head in a trash can.

I'm stumped.

It's just that tonight
she was gonna help me with my math.

Dude, I think your biggest
math problem is

Joe, plus trash can, equals bonkers.
And yes, I said it!

[remote beeps]

[rock music plays]

[phone beeps]

[phone beeping]

Hey, uh, before you say anything

I just want you to know
if you can't make it tonight it's cool.

I mean, you know, maybe your parents
are gonna take you out to dinner,

or you've found a stray possum,

and you wanted to bring it home
and give it a bath, or you went surfing.

Hey, you know, I mean,
it'd be a little weird

just 'cause it's winter and it's night
and we live 50 miles from the sea, but...

Excuse me? Italian food?

Oh, sorry.
Um... called the wrong number.

I was just trying
to call my friend Stella.

I'm pretty sure she's blowing me off
for a date with Van d*ke Tosh.

-[dial tone]
-Hello?

[phone rings]

Hello.
Oh, hey, Stella.

Um... Uh, where are you?

I have the chapter open to decimals
and it says you're 8.5 minutes late.

[laughs]

Yeah, I know Van d*ke.

Yeah, I heard of that movie.
I heard it was really great.

Of course not.
I heard it was a chick flick.

Um, no.

Um, yeah, I guess that's fine.

Um, sure, we can do it another night.

Uh, have fun.
Bye.

[rock music plays]

♪ Tried to turn on my TV ♪

♪ To get you out of my head ♪

♪ Feeling something deep inside ♪

♪ That I just won't admit ♪

♪ It's not like I don't ♪

♪ Want to commit, want to commit ♪

♪ I just don't know why ♪

♪ I can't stop feeling like this ♪

-♪ Tell me why ♪
-♪ Why, why ♪

♪ Does it hurt so bad? ♪

-♪ Tell me why ♪
-♪ Why, why ♪

♪ Does it make me mad? ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Now I can see ♪

♪ The stars are not gonna clear ♪

♪ Not gonna clear ♪

♪ Dressed in my pain ♪

♪ And all of my tears ♪

-♪ Tell me why ♪
-♪ Why, why ♪

♪ Does it hurt so bad? ♪

♪ Why does it hurt so bad? ♪

-♪ Tell me why ♪
-♪ Why, why ♪

♪ Does it make me mad? ♪

-[Kevin] Nick, it has to be CGI.
-[Nick] Dude, it's all real, I know it.

Oh, cool, these must be the clothes
we're wearing to meet the prime minister.

Don't touch. Stella said hands off
until we wear it tomorrow.

Dude, get your jacket.
We're hitting the movies.

We're going to see Velocity Overkill!

Dude, here's a scene
where there's a car, jumping over a car,

that's jumping over another car.

What's with everybody going
to the movies, you guys and Stella?

Oh, that's right. She went to
that chick flick with Van d*ke.

Yeah, and she's supposed to be here
helping me with important math.

Why can't you study with Stella
another night?

Because she should be here anyway.

-Why?
-Guarding these clothes.

We have to meet the prime minister
of England tomorrow.

What if something happened to them?

It could cause an international incident.

I get it.
You're jealous.

-[scoffs] Jealous of who?
-Stella and Van d*ke.

Van d*ke's a dwonk.
And Stella...

she's got all that luscious blonde hair,
and her skin's soft and she smells pretty,

and she laughs at my jokes... gross.

Poor fellow. He's so jealous,
he's just oozing green.

What if somebody broke in here...
and they had this pen

and they started swirling it around?

-They could ruin everything.
-Like you just did?

[gasps]

Oh, no.
Stella's gonna k*ll us.

Us? No, no, no. You're taking the heat
for this one, Mr. Jealous.

I'm not jealous.

-Whatever, jealous boy.
-Leave him alone.

See ya, jealous.

[Kevin grunts]
Don't use the same pole!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

[screams]

We got your 911.
What's the emergency?

-Where's Mom and Dad? Is Frankie OK?
-I got here as soon as I could.

What took you all so long,
especially you?

-Joe, what is it?
-We have a fashion emergency.

-Are you talking about the pen mark?
-A pen mark?

Joe got a pen mark on his new shirt
for the prime minister meet-and-greet.

What? Joe, that shirt's a one of a kind.

-It was an accident.
-[sighs] It's all right.

I can get it out.
Where's the shirt?

[exclaims]

-Where's everything?
-OK, I can explain.

By the way, anybody want anything:
soft drinks, chips?

What happened to the clothes?

OK, here's what happened,
I got a pen mark on the shirt,

but I figured I could get it out.
But I couldn't, so I put it in the wash.

-You put the shirt in the wash?
-Then it turned blue.

But it didn't match the pants anymore,

so I figured
I'd put the pants in the wash.

-You put the pants in the wash?
-Then nothing matched anything,

so I put everything in the wash!

[screams]

OK, Stella, take deep, slow breaths.

Uh... think of a forest and bunnies
and flowers and no washing machines.

-Joe, where are all the clothes now?
-In the soggy pile in the corner.

[sighs]

So... how was the movie?

OK, I'm not sure,
but I think I might be a genius.

A whole new wardrobe, and we still have
two hours to catch the plane to England.

-It's gonna look great, Stells.
-Joe, I don't get it.

If you didn't like the outfit
that I picked out for you,

all you had to do was just talk to me
instead of ruining everything.

It was an accident.
I loved those outfits.

I even told the guys
you should've been here guarding them

instead of going on a date with some guy.

Is that what this is about?

You're jealous of Van d*ke taking me out?

-[both] Yes.
-No.

Did you ruin
everybody's clothes on purpose?

-No.
-But you ruined your clothes on purpose.

-No.
-But you marked up your shirt

with a pen on purpose.

No comment.
Accidentally on purpose.

Because?

Because I didn't want you
going on a date with Van d*ke.

I hear really nasty things about him, OK?

Like he combs his hair
against the natural part.

He has days-of-the-week underwear
and he wears them on the wrong days.

-[Kevin clears throat]
-We have gym together.

No, you don't.

So you ruined my date
with the guy I've been

waiting a month to ask me out
for my own good?

Oh, Joe, that is so sweet of you
to worry about me like that.

So we're cool?

Oh, yeah.
Of course we're cool.

-Go try that on.
-OK.

-So, pretty mad at Joe, huh?
-Why would you say that?

Oh, I don't know.

[sizzling]

Wow, ruining all our clothes,
messing up Stella's date.

I think somebody
needs to be taught a lesson.

If that fancy talking means
having fun with Joe, then I am so in.

Have I ever told you guys...
that I love you?

[chuckling]

[chuckling continues]

What are you doing?

-Hey. Joe's changing?
-[Kevin] Yes.

OK, you guys have
a good one, all right?

Nick, just keep it light.
Kevin, don't embarrass America.

Well, you both look great.

All right, now,
when the Big Man says go, you go.

[Nick] Yes, sir.

[door closes]

Joe, are you having trouble
finding your outfit?

I laid it out on the chair.

But this isn't the outfit
that I had on at home.

Oh, I know, but luckily

when you accidentally-on-purpose
ruined your shirt... brainstorm.

OK, but am I wearing this right?

Mm-hmm.

I don't know.
It just kinda seems out there.

-Why, Joe, it's amazing.
-You look so good. I mean...

-Why are they not wearing this?
-Joe, because it's totally you.

You're the frontman, man.
You're, like, in the middle.

-It's the light, that...
-I mean, I can't believe I didn't

-think of lime-green pants before.
-The shoes, the sparkle.

It really itches.

I mean, it is cutting edge,
all the rage in England right now.

Man, you know,
if there's any edge to cut, Joe,

you're cutting it right now,
because it's just that good.

Like, look how sharp...
Ow, I'm hurt.

[Nick]
He's actually cut right now.

You know what? I see it now.

-[Nick] Yeah.
-Yeah, I see it.

I see it.
How can you not see it?

-It makes you so tall, too.
-Stella, are you sure about this?

Of course, I'm sure.
Joe... in 30 seconds,

you've got a date
with the prime minister of England.

And nothing's going to break that date
except an emergency.

Have you got an emergency
that's going to break a date, Joe?

Do you think he gets it yet?

Be patient.
Five, four, three...

-Wait a minute.
-[Nick] Two, one.

-You are mad at me!
-And he gets it.

-Ow!
-Of course, I'm mad at you.

How dare you butt into my personal life?

My personal life
is none of your business.

On the door to my personal life it says,
"Keep out, Joe."

-[grunts]
-Ow!

-They're ready for you, guys.
-Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, no.
Joe, hi, what are you doing?

[overlapping dialogue]

-[whistles]
-[Joe grunts]

OK, look, there is no time, all right.
So, here's what's gonna happen:

We're going out there with you as is

and you're gonna meet the prime minister,
a man we don't keep waiting.

All right, if feathers get ruffled,
I... I... I will smooth out the feathers.

Let's go.

-At least take off the hat.
-No, it's gonna ruin the whole look.

I hate to say it, but she has a point.

Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister.
Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister.

Prime minister. Prime minister.
Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister.

-Prime minister...
-Stay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
her majesty the queen!

-Her what, the who?
-What happened to the prime minister?

The prime minister overdid it

at the bangers-and-mash festival
this morning.

Her majesty graciously
interrupted her tour

of the Academy of Lovable
c*ck Street Urchins

to present you with your commendations.

Joe, Joe, get out of here!

You can't be dressed like that
in front of the queen.

Too late.
The Redcoats are coming.

In recognition of your efforts

on behalf of the
Royal Children's Hospital,

we present to you
these commendations of merit.

-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

Joe, she didn't even notice
your outfit, dude.

-Oh, we noticed.
-It was kind of just a joke.

We are not amused.

Hey, if she throws you in a dungeon,
can I have your new guitar?

What?

I can never show my face in public again.

Not even.
Everybody says the ceremony was a hit.

People love it that Jonas
doesn't take itself too seriously.

You're welcome.

Yeah, check out this
fan letter I just got, OK.

"The silkworm, native to many
regions of China, starts his day..."

This is...
This is my biology report.

That must mean
I gave the fan letter to Mrs. Kapp.

Oh, no, this is not gonna
get me more than a B-plus.

Stella, I am really sorry about
spoiling your date with Van d*ke.

I have no idea what I was thinking.

I've said it probably 400 times now,
but I'm really sorry.

-Let's make a deal.
-OK.

From now on, we stay
out of each other's personal lives.

-If that's what you want.
-Well, isn't that what you want?

Of course that's what I want.

Me too.
What I want... that.

[both] Oh, oh, oh, ah-choo!

Dude, you will never believe
what I just heard.

Remember that girl that we saw--

The really hot one
we saw in the cafeteria

with the red dress, the headband,

with the little daisies on her nails,
ordering the cranberry muffin?

-It was a bagel, but anyway...
-Oh, OK.

I overheard her telling her friend
she's gonna ask you out on Saturday.

Uh... not... not this Saturday.

Why not? I'm free.

Have you not seen this?
This is a fashion emergency.

I mean, I can't have people thinking
that I designed this look for you.

My reputation would be ruined.

Hey, Stells,
free for a movie Saturday night?

Then I thought we could hit up the mall
so everyone could check out my new look.

-Uh...
-Great idea.

We should double-date.

See you Saturday.