01x04 - Keeping It Real

[bunniefuu]

-If you go like this--
-Guys, guys! [panting]

When did you join the baseball team?

-Girls.
-You joined the girls baseball team?

Not baseball. Girls.
You better protect yourselves.

From who? The girls at the school
are totally used to us. See?

Yeah, what about a girls choir
from a different school visiting

and just found out that Jonas goes here?

[school bell rings]

[rumbling]

-[girls screaming]
-Run!

[theme music playing]

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was sitting at home ♪

♪ Watching TV all alone ♪

♪ So tired of routines ♪

♪ The day goes on and on ♪

♪ So I pick up the phone ♪

♪ Call everyone I know ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a party ♪

♪ Hit the music, here we go, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

OK, so this is set. We do
the radio interview Saturday morning,

then the photo sh**t in the afternoon
and the benefit concert is Saturday night.

-And the rest of the day is ours.
-Would anyone like some more toast?

Oh, Mom, you know what?
Can you say that again?

Three, two, one.

Kevin! Since when does breakfast
require a microphone?

Well, you know how Joe
likes his pizza Chicago-style.

Well, he took the jet last night
to Chicago and got himself some pizza.

Oh, yeah, and he got in pretty late,
so he's sleeping in.

And he wanted us to record
the breakfast meeting.

Don't forget. He likes to hear
the sizzling of the bacon.

-Oh, right, good one.
-[sizzling]

This is not a breakfast meeting.

This is breakfast.
Joseph!

[grunts] What am I missing?
Can you roll the tape, please?

-Yeah, of course.
-No, no, no! Ka-ka-ka!

Sit! We are having
a normal family breakfast.

-[door opens]
-OK.

-Frank, I got your limo ready.
-Is it filled with jelly beans, Big Man?

Every color but green.
It's all jelly-beany good.

-[Joe] See you, Frank.
-[Frank] See ya.

-Bye, Frankster.
-Have a good day, sweetie.

Dad, the layout in the new limo
is a little weird.

[Dad] Really, how so?

They put the hot tub
too close to the trampoline.

Oh, yeah, and the frozen
yogurt machine only lets you choose

between chocolate or vanilla.
It's, like, there's no swirl.

And the automatic massage chair
only goes choppa-choppa-choppa,

-Not digga-digga-digga.
-All right, everybody, hold it.

-Problem, hon?
-Breakfast meetings, limos,

digga-digga-digga?

We have gotten way too big
for our britches here.

I have bigger britches for all of you.

Ha! All custom-tailored
by your personal stylist, moi.

Sorry I'm late.
My brother hid my car keys again.

Did you get a chance to put the diamonds
on the soles of my shoes yet?

OK, Stella, you are more than welcome
to stay for breakfast, sweetheart,

but this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We promised each other
that if this band blew up,

we would stay grounded
and just like a regular family.

Sandy, Sandy, dandy.
Come on, relax.

No matter how successful
this band becomes,

we will always retain that common touch.

Thank you, Pasquale.

OK, when was the last time
anyone did a chore around here?

Or we had dinner together as a family?

[phones beeping]

-Let's check it out.
-Dinner with the family...

-The 30th.
-Yeah.

OK, Mom, the last family dinner
was three weeks ago tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way, thank you so much

for being so flexible
with your schedule, Mom.

OK, Mom alert!

We are a family first, and we're
gonna start acting like one again.

OK?
That means no more breakfast meetings,

no more limos and no more coffee guy.

Mom, we get it.

We promise to keep it real.

You know, we may have been a little
carried away, but that's history.

-[cell phone rings]
-Call you back.

-[cell phone rings]
-I'm gonna need to call you back.

-[cell phone rings]
-Hello. Oh, what's up?

Yeah, I can talk, sure...
I'll call you back.

-[vacuum whirring]
-Mom is gonna love this.

A normal family
with everyone doing chores.

[Joe]
Garbage b*mb!

Whoo! I just finished
cleaning under my bed.

I'll get to yours in a minute.

Hey, these floors aren't
scrubbing themselves, mister.

[vacuum whirring]

[girls screaming]

-[Joe] Oh, no!
-[clothes ripping]

No, let go of my leg! No!

Wow, we have some enthusiastic fans.

They took my socks
without taking off my shoes.

How do they do that?

Keeping it real is gonna be
a lot harder than we thought.

[rock music plays]

[girls screaming]

♪ Living life, life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Not that bad, no, we can't complain ♪

♪ Who's to say?
Now we wanna keep it real ♪

♪ Hold on tight, don't you dare let go ♪

♪ Now's the time
To let the whole world know ♪

♪ You can shine bright
But still keep it real ♪

[screams]

-Well, that was easy.
-We need a new plan.

What plan are we up to now?

Hmm, uh, plan K.

These window frames are rock solid.

One of the many advantages
of living in an old firehouse.

I wondered why there
were firepoles in here.

Remember, we're doing this for Mom.

-OK, your codename is Danger.
-Yeah.

After we lower you down, we'll be
in constant contact the entire time.

Just get in and get out.
We don't need any heroes.

[Joe] Get down here...

It's time to take out the trash.

There we go.

-[thumping]
-Good. He's down.

[feedback whines]

[Joe] This is Danger. No girls in sight.
Heading to garbage cans.

-I think he's gonna make it.
-[Joe] I thought saw something.

-What?
-[Joe] Shadows.

-Wait!
-[girls screaming]

[Joe] It's an ambush.
I can't... too many...

-The perfume! [yells]
-Danger's in danger!

-We gotta get him out of there.
-Go!

[girls screaming]

[clothes ripping]

Four hours taking out the trash,
rehearsing all night, I'm wiped.

You mean trying to take out the trash.
We never got rid of the stuff.

Where'd you put it, Kevin?

-Kev.
-[gasps]

I was dreaming I fell asleep
in the school hallway.

[yells]

-OK, whatever.
-Bye.

If I could get an exclusive interview
with Kevin for my Jonas website,

the entire fan club would be blown away.

So interview him.

Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes I get a teensy bit nervous

when I get a teensy bit near a Jonas.

He's right there.

[gasps]

-I got your back.
-OK.

Kevin, you know my BFF, Macy.

She has a couple questions
she wants to ask you

for her Jonas fan club blog thing.

Go, go.

Uh, Kevin of Jonas,

our entire fan club
wants to know... um...

Who's your favorite Jonas?
[nervous chuckle]

No comment at this time.

The brilliant diplomat as always.

Thanks, Kev.
You're a great interview.

-Thanks, bud.
-Thank you.

[snoring]

[snoring]

[Mom] Boys.

Mom's coming. Look alive.

-I can't.
-Well, then look awake.

If mom thinks we can't handle
a couple simple chores,

she's gonna be really bummed.

-What are you guys up to?
-Just cleaning.

[screams]

[thuds]

[Kevin]
Pole's clean.

Are... are you guys OK?

-Fine.
-Yeah, sure.

Fine.
Like, why would you even ask?

Well, uh, for one thing,
Nick's vacuum isn't turned on.

I'm rehearsing... vacuuming.

I can't tell you guys how much
it means to me to see you guys

making such an effort
to be a normal family.

-We are so all over the normal.
-Super normal.

And tonight's our family dinner.
I'm making my special fried chicken.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna make
the homemade breadcrumbs.

How do you make breadcrumbs anyway?

Oh, it's pretty complicated.
You gotta take the bread

and then, um... crumb it.

You know, I'm gonna do the breadcrumbs.

-Are you sure? OK.
-Yeah, I got it.

Oh, guys, by the way, there's some
old clothes of yours in bags downstairs.

Do you mind dropping them off
at the thrift store for me?

Yeah, we'll bring the stuff over
right now and be back in time

-for the family dinner tonight.
-Mm-hm.

I am so proud of you guys.

How are we gonna sneak out of the house
without getting mobbed by fans?

I know how to give us a head start.

Ow.
What are you doing?

[girls screaming]

Who wants a scarf?

-[scarf ripping]
-That's my favorite scarf.

Awesome. While they're tearing apart
Joe's favorite scarf,

we can sneak out the back way.

That's a really great idea, too.

[bell dings]

May I help...

[gasping]

-I think she's gonna explode.
-Take some deep breaths.

-[labored breathing]
-In with the good air.

Out with the weird air.

[squeaking]

-Better?
-Uh-huh.

So do you work here after school?

Oh, my mom owns the store, Joe of Jonas.

Sometimes I watch it for her, like today,
the greatest day of my life.

-Hm.
-Uh-huh. We wanna drop off some clothes.

Oh, my gosh!
Actual clothes worn by actual Jonas band,

brought in my actual Jonas's.

Ouch!
This is actually happening.

[screams]

-Camera phone!
-[camera clicks]

If she sends that picture,
we're gonna be surrounded by screaming...

No!

-[beeps]
-[girl screaming]

Fans!

[lock clicks]

Something tells me Mom's gonna have that
normal family dinner tonight without us.

At least all the screaming's

gonna drown out the sound
of Mom's heart breaking.

No, I heard it.

[girls screaming]

[groans] Trapped like rats,
dirty stinking rock-and-roll rats.

[groans]

There's gotta be
another way out of here.

[scoffs]
The back way's no good.

-Why not?
-There is no back way.

-Oh.
-I can't believe this.

-All we were trying to do is help our mom.
-Mm...

I wonder what she's thinking right now.

I'm so excited my boys
will be home any minute.

Being a normal family
fills me with such pride.

You know, Joe,
you've always been my favorite.

This is all your fault.
[laughs]

Number-one Jonas fan?
I don't think so, princess.

[gasps]
Your powers are no match for mine.

-[girls screaming]
-I was mistaken.

[Kevin] Closed, get it closed!

[grunts]

Let... me... in!

Shut it, shut it, shut it!

So I got your 911.
What's up?

-Nothing. Just hanging out.
-Thought you might like to join us.

Plus, we're never gonna
make it home for Mom's dinner.

Our family's gonna be destroyed
and our lives are over.

No problem. Let's just call your parents
and tell them what's going on.

No, Mom already thinks it's impossible
for us to be a normal family.

-We couldn't even take out the garbage.
-Then we should call the police.

We can't call the police every time
we have to run an errand for our mom.

How is that keeping it real?

Wait a minute.
What happened to the Jonas spirit?

Remember when we tried
to take out the garbage?

Kevin, you were like,
"Let's take out the garbage."

And, Nick, you were like, "Look at us.
We're taking out the garbage."

And I was like, "Hey, I'm Joe,
and I'm taking out the garbage, yes!"

What's your point?

Why is it that every inspiring speech
has to have a point?

All we need is a plan.
Everybody think.

-Is everybody thinking?
-Shh.

-Absolutely, guys.
-Yeah.

All I can think about is how awesome
these shoes would look with those pants.

That's what I was thinking.
Oh...

[both sneeze]
Oh...

[girls screaming]

I can't take it anymore!

The walls, they're closing in.

What if we run out of food?

Don't worry about food.
Inside some of these old purses,

you can always find mints.

OK, food's covered.
Water. I need water.

Dude, calm down, here.

Ahh.
With a hint of lime.

Uh, Kevin of Jonas.

Yes, Macy of School.

[nervous laughter]

Uh, now that we're all trapped here

in my mom's store
probably for all of eternity,

which is a real bummer for you,
but a dream come true for me.

Maybe you can answer
some more questions for my fan site.

-Yeah, sure.
-OK, great.

First question, would you ever
kiss a girl on the first date?

Date a Jonas.
Kiss a Jonas...

[thudding]

Let's see what she's got here.

OK, um,
"What is your favorite comedic animal?"

Hmm...
Oh, definitely bear in a bikini.

OK, there has got to be
some way to get out of here.

I mean, why do you guys have to have
the most recognizable faces

-in the world?
-I have a recognizable face?

I'd recognize it anywhere.

I'll wear a disguise.

It's OK.
It's still me, Joe.

-Joe, you're a genius.
-I know.

-I mean, we're surrounded by costumes.
-I know.

I bet I could disguise you guys enough
to sneak you through the fans.

Ha! Excellent!
I'll go as Joe.

Joe will go as Nick.
And then Nick will go as me.

You know, that idea is so good,

we should save it for the next time
we're stuck somewhere.

That's what you said last time.

[rock music plays]

♪ Living life, life in the fast lane ♪

♪ Not that bad, no, we can't complain ♪

♪ Who's to say now we wanna keep it real ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Hold on tight, don't you dare let go ♪

♪ Now's the time
To let the whole world know ♪

♪ You can shine bright
But still keep it real ♪

So...

-What do you think, guys?
-Comfortable.

Roomy.

I look great.
I should go to medical school.

-[cell phone rings]
-It's Dad.

Don't tell him what's going on.

Hello, Father.

Yes, as Mother requested,
we are at the thrift store.

We're running a little late
because we found a stray...

-Puppy.
-Kitten.

-Umbrella.
-Bunny.

Yes, but it's all right,
because we found it a great home.

-We should be home soon... we hope.
-[phone beeps]

All right, let's get into character.

We're three doctors who
just got beeped with a dire emergency.

And I'm a successful brain surgeon.

Whatever.

One more thing to really sell it.

[sighs]
Poor thing.

If she knew she was being carried
by two-thirds of Jonas, she'd faint.

-[girls screaming]
-OK, step aside.

Overwhelmed fan coming through.

-She just puked.
-[crowd gasping]

Yeah. Bring her in, guys.
She smells bad. Oh!

[cell phone rings]

Hi, Mom.
[clears throat]

Yeah, we're totally fine.
We're being totally normal.

You'd be so proud of how
normal we're being. Why do you ask?

Oh, just curious.

'Cause it looks like
you're in a little bit of trouble.

-Oh...
-[girls screaming]

Retreat!

Honey!
Stop!

Mom, Dad, get in here.

Macy! Watch out, Frankie.

[screaming]

I got her.
Watch out, coming through!

-Come on, get in, get in, get in.
-Hold it, hold it.

-What is going on here?
-We're three doctors who just got beeped

-for a dire emergency?
-And I'm a very successful brain surgeon.

We were dropping the clothes off
and we got surrounded by fans.

Well, why wouldn't you guys just call us?
We'd help you get out of this.

Because we know how important
it is to you that we keep it real.

-Aww!
-OK, family hug.

[Mom] Ohh!

-[Kevin] Yeah!
-[Dad] That was great.

-Let's eat.
-What do you mean eat?

I am determined to have at least
one meal together as a family.

And there's no reason
a family dinner can't be a picnic.

You brought food?
Mom, I love you.

Oh, we're gonna...

Oh.... This is the most
fantastic chicken you've ever made.

-This is really good.
-OK, you guys, don't worry.

The Big Man is out there
and he's gonna get us out of this.

[door opens]

There are little girls everywhere.
It was a nightmare.

Um... OK, is the parking lot
big enough to land the Jonas jet?

That's not exactly keeping it real, Mom.

Well, you know what? I'm just gonna
have to get used to the idea

that my kids are superstars, right?

And sometimes superstars
just can't keep it real.

OK, another family hug.

-[Mom] Oh, family hug!
-[Dad] Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you there.

No problem.

OK, wait a minute. We do still have
one weapon left in our arsenal.

Mom's amazing potato salad.

-[camera clicks]
-There we go.

When you've received
your complimentary potato salad

and picture with Jonas,
please go home.

Well, you got your family dinner
with 300 of your closest friends.

We're almost out of potato salad.

Get ready to run.

[all] Potato salad.

Hi, Nick. Do these sunglasses
make my head look fat?

No, your fat head
makes your head look fat.

Kev, where are you going?

-Out.
-Like that? This is meant with love,

but you look a little trashy.

Maybe you guys can admit defeat.

Let others say that the garbage beat you,
but not me.

This chore will not defeat me.

Gentlemen, goodbye.

Don't do it, man.
It's not worth it.

You're throwing your life away, man.

[screams]

-[girls screaming]
-[clothes ripping]

That didn't sound good.

-What are we gonna tell Mom and Dad?
-[door shuts]

[dramatic music plays]

What are you doing?

Oh, I thought this would look cooler
in pretend slow motion.

He's right.

[dramatic music plays]