03x08 - The Terrible Lizards

[bunniefuu]

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[Applause]

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hi sweetie

Duffy yo what Duffy's moving why hi

honey

oh hi honey how was your day well it was

all right

okay okay you're saying forget about

going to the bathroom wonderful oh honey

I am so proud of you yeah how about our

little Kelly beauty and brains and how

did you do Daffy oh great my dad's out

of town you guys remember what you

promised if I got straight A's

yeah we sure do honey dad it wasn't

money Kelly we love the report card but

let's not start up again about a horse

not a horse you promised me my own phone

you promised you a phone that's your

signature dad yeah you got it notarized

and everything

you'd think a lawyer would know better

than to get a thing like that in write

it well honey it looks like you've got

yourself your own phone alright so cool

now we can talk to each other night and

day let's celebrate I'll pop some

milkshakes okay uh mr. cleaver I'm a

little short you uh lend me a saw bucket

all I've got is a ten

oh what a guy thanks a lot my change ah

good afternoon mrs. cleaver searching

for another Blue Ribbon recipe that'll

have Julia Child turning over in her

gravy

well actually Eddie I'm studying from my

colleague sociology exam I wish you

could chat with my grandfather the poor

geezer just sits on his porch day in and

day out whittling singing spirituals I

don't think so

dad made me one major keyboard player

who doesn't have a sequencer the kid in

peanuts that Lucy likes come on never

find another one at this price again a

young Kip why wouldn't the youth trying

to untangle the knots and the parental

purse strings if it's money you want you

need look no further than your beloved

Uncle Eddie

you mean you loan me the money to buy a

sequencer mom I wouldn't insult you by

loaning you the money but I would give

you the satisfaction of earning it

yourself how would you know anything

about that

you're quite a kidder I'm proud to

announce that Haskell construction has

branched into the building of natatorium

death swimming pools to you laymen

when did you start that as soon as I

figured out how much these clowns had

pay you to dig a hole and slop in some

cement unfortunately for kid I'm looking

for a few good men to shovel a limestone

you mean you're digging a swimming pool

by hand

yeah it's great it takes three times as

long and I can charge six times as much

I might be interested in that mr.

Haskell yeah your construction pays

pretty well uh wait a minute kid I'm in

construction you're in

did you ever see roots thanks but uh as

attractive as that sounds I think I'll

pass yeah what about you squirt as they

say you can't be too rich or too thin

Eddie I get enough shoveling just being

in the same room with you you know with

your sparkling wit and your bulging bank

account I'm amazed that you still live

with your mother

a day mrs. cleaver mom just say the word

you're always welcome here

and what would I do with two more sewing

rooms anyway thank you

hm oh good you're home what's with him

report card day this is a special day

isn't it

sure I mean every day is special when

I'm with you I was talking about your

report card Oh report card where did I

put that

there is good idea

Oliver go up to your room and wait for

me yes sir

either just how bad is it a B 2 C's two

DS this is totally unacceptable

well he did pull that C to a B in gym

flying himself when was the last time

you saw him pick up a book he's yeah

dinosaur books a lot of good that's

gonna do him dad the guy's only in

seventh grade he's still trying to

figure out what side to part is hair on

well I'll admit there's room for

improvement but it isn't the end of the

world mom how can you say that because

I'm getting a report card in two weeks

and I don't want to seem like this

[Laughter]

Oliver a report card like this shows me

one thing they're not giving me your

best now what's the problem

schools boring you gotta learn all this

stuff about fractions and dead poet's

don't wants that got to do with anything

Oliver you've got to buckle down now so

you can do well in high school go to a

good college and make something out of

yourself you don't want to end up like

Eddie Haskell heck no dad but well at

least he gets duty once all day even if

it is watch cartoons and drink beer okay

if you didn't have to go to school

tomorrow what would you do well now just

think about it well I don't know I'd

probably just stand in front of the

school or everyone could see me and make

faces at the dopes inside Oliver I've

been far too lenient with you and it is

going to stop from now on you're going

to sit down at your desk and study no

more TV no more hanging out at the soda

shop no more comic books no more Danny

and the dead boys

I don't want video games no more sweet

go on for hours

mom can I show Debbie my phone

I suppose so thanks mrs. C but don't you

dare call any of those 976 numbers well

what do you think Wow your own phone my

dad won't even give me a key to the

house hello hi Holly guess what I'm

calling you on hey Allie I hear the old

man really twisted the old spike this

time yeah I'm good you let me breathe on

weekends

no I yeah they're even calling the high

school to assign me a tutor who would

they stick you with now I could take

three cubic feet of dirt and multiply it

by four cubic feet of dirt how many

cubic feet of dirt would be remaining in

a 40 cubic foot hole Freddie I don't see

how this is gonna help my grade hey this

is the new math Socrates students didn't

complain and you know what he made them

do Freddie he kind of little Oliver

doing your work for you and there's hope

for you yet that's it Freddy lessons

over

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what are you looking at boom it's

probably the last kid I tutored

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Wow

hey squirt where do you think you're

going the bill museum it's a dinosaur

bone

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excuse me the gift shop is down the hall

yellow I'm all of a cleaver and I live

in me fielding one moment please

this is very delicate work

well sister when I was a little kid my

uncle gave me this plastic dinosaur for

my birthday and I really liked it so

from then on everybody started giving me

dinosaurs and I guess I guess I learned

a lot about it that's wonderful

for $15 you can become a friend of a

museum

yeah that's great anyways today I was

being tutored in math while I was

digging in a swimming pool I found this

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in the deep end

thank you could be a real dinosaur bone

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Kelly it's grandma I'm sorry I can't

hear you can you talk a little louder

Oliver hasn't come home from his

tutoring you haven't heard from him have

you

oops I got another call can you hold on

a minute no I went to Miller's pond in

the soda shop I even stopped by the

firehouse but Gus doesn't remember

seeing him again guest doesn't remember

me either who are you talking to no one

dad grandma Oliver you have had us

worried sick have you any idea what time

it is sure it's only huh she it's late

cuz I was having such fun I lost track

of time

where have you been yeah you're not

gonna believe this try me it was the

coolest thing that ever happened to me

see Freddy was tutoring me in his pool

and I found this huge bone so I took it

down to the Bellport Museum and I showed

it to this guy and it was just like I

thought a real dinosaur bone from a real

live dinosaur dad it was the best just

the best I mean they had all this neat

dinosaur stuff you let me touch

everything I even had a cup of coffee

I'm getting too old for this this is

good this is really great of all the

stories that you've ever come up with

this is the very best that is true okay

so where's the bone dad they have to

carbonate it you're supposed to be doing

your homework not making up ridiculous

stories about finding dinosaur bones and

drinking coffee now go to your room but

it's true

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say goodnight oh hey good night slugger

gonna be all right

why what's the matter with Massa she

gots the phone would her ear don't worry

honey it's not for a minute

[Laughter]

Oliver show up yeah okay you can stop

jumping up and down well he came home

with this outrageous story about going

to Bellport with some dinosaur bone he

found that's almost as good as the time

he claimed the aliens beamed him up and

stole his lunch money oh this is serious

he was supposed to be being tutored

instead of a wild hare like Jack I'm

considering going in school you a little

old for boarding school huh I'm not

kidding around well instead of coming

down on him so hard maybe you should try

a different approach maybe something

that's sh**t for a goal whatever you do

don't promise him a phone mr. Weaver

yes I'm dr. Warren from the Natural

History Museum I'm looking for the mr.

cleaver whose son found the femur of

hystericus heiress

[Laughter]

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want to see me it's nice to meet you

your son is a very bright young man you

mean he actually found a dinosaur bone

and drank a cup of coffee

I'm sorry I Saul I had but it was decaf

your son really knows his dinosaurs you

must be very proud of it gee dad you

caught me right in the middle of

studying oh well then I guess you don't

want to hear what the museum director

had to say about your Stara stare after

I knew it I know it starik asaurus is

one of my all-time favorites here it is

awesome huh it's a sewer top scene that

means it had horns and even though it

did wait three tons he drew in twenty

miles an hour

well I guess that's all nice but but I

get back to the challenging world of

fractions oh that's okay that can wait

you know I kind of owe you an apology

I shouldn't have judged you solely on

your report card but I'm your father and

I have to be concerned about your future

yeah I guess I should be too I mean I

don't even know what I'm doing next

weekend I'll help you all I can but I

just wish you could apply the same

enthusiasm to your school books that you

do to your dinosaurs especially if

you're gonna miss school tomorrow to go

watch them dig those bones all right

call Kelly Eddie gets them at school

tomorrow can you believe it my cousin

who can't even find a matching pair of

socks found a dinosaur bone

it's gonna be famous no he's had him

pegged as a loser

my dad's gonna start dancing on my head

if I don't get off the phone tonight

don't face hello yes I heard all about

it

and in the future if you have anything

to say to me I'd appreciate it if you'd

tell me to my face good night

who is that Kelly

and after I won the medal of honor I

returned to my roots and founded a

school construction dedicated at the

proposition that all people deserve

better homes better pools and a better

world Thank You mr. Haskell what you

think permission to cry sir where did

don't worry we'll tape over it now these

guys hysterical sources they weren't

carnivores that means he didn't eat meat

really I thought they all ate me

no they just sort of wandered around in

a plants

oh yeah like my friend Katie Underwood

yeah I'll introduce you boys these are

my grandsons

and this is Oliver he's the one that

made the discovery

I think handsome boys yeah did you ever

dream that this could happen to you well

you know kids my age dream about a lot

of things winning the World Series

finding a buried treasure but you never

think stuff like that could really

happen to you he's always been very

inquisitive you know when he was only

two years old he wanted to know what it

was like to be a fish so he climbed into

our aquarium

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our veteran squad repents first terrible

terrible Wizards actually they got kind

of a bad rap they ate and slept tried to

protect their families not much

different from you and me why did he

disappear I mean what do you think

happened to him lots of theories meteor

showers change your climate loss of food

supply nobody knows for certain

I don't even better question is how they

managed to survive for over a hundred

and forty million years and we've only

been around for less than five maybe

you'll find the answer to that one

Oliver me you're so lucky you know when

I was your age we didn't have all the

wonderful science magazines and books

and toys we didn't even have the

Flintstones well I had them on tape if

you ever wanted to watch him you've got

the bug I think you have the makings of

a fine paleontologist me wow I never

imagined anybody calling me doctor there

are advantages you do get better tables

at restaurants to be a paleontologist do

you have to be good in math oh yes sure

a lot of other subjects yeah yes you

have to go to school for a long time

study some subjects you may not find

very interesting but that's a small

price to pay if you want to help unlock

some of the world's most fascinating

mysteries

but everyone doesn't the clue doctor

right oh absolutely

come on let's talk about it over a cup

of coffee

decaf

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hi this is Kelly I can't come to the

phone right now because my parents are

the kind of people who bribe a kid with

a new phone and then don't want to use

it except between the hours of 4:00 and

7:00 weekdays and 12:00 and 6:00 on the

weekends leave your message at the beep

and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm

allowed Kelly it's your dad

just checking tonight at 7:35 Eastern on

the superstation

it's the Sanford and Son escort service

then at 8:05 Peter O'Toole is a charming

swashbuckler in the hilarious my

favorite year followed at 10:05 by a

world of Audubon special whales now

Barney's out to nab a pickpocket The

Andy Griffith Show next

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