♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE COULAM: What is a king
without his kingdom?
What is the king
without his kingdom?
What is the king
without his property?
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
GEORGE: He's free.
♪ [DRUM MARCH PLAYING] ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
LISA: [OVER RADIO]
Bill, this is Lisa.
Bill, this is Lisa.
BILL: [OVER RADIO]
Go ahead, Lisa!
We going soonish?
BILL: I believe so.
LISA: Copy, we're going at 8:50.
Four minutes.
[HORN HONKING]
Show time!
LISA: Ten.
CANNON GUARD:
Enforce the cannon line!
LISA: Five.
[GROWLS]
Go cannon.
Cannon fire!
Cannon fire!
Cannon fire!
-[expl*sive SHOT]
-[RINGING SOUND]
♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
JEFF BALDWIN: Huzzah!
[CROWD CHEERING]
-Huzzah!
-CROWD: Huzzah!
JEFF: Huzzah!
Are you having a good time?
[CROWD CHEERS]
JEFF:
Lift up your cares, friends!
[CHEERING]
Welcome to the Texas
Renaissance Festival!
-♪ [UPBEAT DRUMS PLAYING] ♪
-[CROWD CHEERING]
[RADIO BEEPING]
Hey, could you tell me
what the last count was?
Lords and ladies of the Realm,
your count is 30,095.
Your daily projection is 31,000,
and your yearly projection
is 420,000.
Huzzah!
EMPLOYEE: Enjoy the kingdom.
Greetings, lords and ladies,
lads and lasses!
Welcome to New Market Village!
CRIER: Step right up!
Prove your strength!
Lords and ladies,
rickshaws over here!
LOUIE MIGLIACCIO:
I can take you anywhere
you want to go.
DON WHITE:
Every Renaissance Fair
in the United States
came into being
because they wanted
to be like George.
He started with nothing
and built this whole thing.
[KNIGHT SCREAMS]
TERRENCE: When I first started
working with King George,
I got a job as his court jester.
And my jester name
was Nitchnick.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Nitchnick!
[NORMAL] Make way for the king!
[HIGH-PITCHED]
Make way for my king!
[GIGGLES, CHEERS]
[NORMAL]
It's a fantasy land out here.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
And some people
kind of live in it year-round.
Salut. En garde, allez...
[GRUNTS]
[KNIGHTS YELLING]
-[YELLS]
-[ROARS]
LIGIA GILES: Every single day,
I pray to two things
in my life...
God and King George.
I am here because of one man
who had a vision to do this.
To me, he will live forever.
-Olé!
-CROWD: Olé!
ALL: Olé!
-Olé!
-[CROWD CHEERS]
-Huzzah!
-ALL: Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
-ALL: Huzzah!
JOE IMHOFF:
I was at the right place
at the right time
and met King George.
And he allowed me
to put sausage on a stick.
[COW MOOING]
EMPLOYEE:
Hot, juicy steak on a stick!
MARIA: This is the granddaddy
of all Renaissance festivals.
So we prep 1,000 pounds
of meat every weekend.
And we go through all of it.
RHONNIE: I mean,
there's 30,000 people a day,
so this is a place that people
make millions of dollars
just selling meat and beer.
EMPLOYEE 1: They needed
to incorporate a city
because this thing
got so massive,
and then George bought
and created a town.
-[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]
-♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GLENDA: He's the ruler.
EX-EMPLOYEE: I've never
seen him treat anyone unfairly.
He fired me
with plenty of cause.
EMPLOYEE 2: I only know
what I've read in the paper.
RHONNIE: He's not crazy.
He's just thinking on a level
that you can't comprehend.
EMPLOYEE 3:
Did you go out there and see
where the sarcophagus is?
JEFF: I mean, if you look
at de Medici, you know,
I mean, they would've done
the same thing.
DON: It's his dream,
and he's living it.
-GLENDA:
He is our magic out here.
-[VOICES OVERLAPPING]
LIGIA: He should be,
and he will be immortal.
OVERLAPPING VOICES: George,
George, George, George.
♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
LIGIA: I'm pretty sure
he will be immortal.
NURSE: So let's go do
our stacking.
GEORGE: Okay.
[QUIET CLATTERING]
Thirty-three, three eight three.
So I'm way over my average here.
I'm gonna take you through here
and explain everything.
In the morning...
I lay just like this,
and I hypnotize myself.
I tell my brain not to have
any epileptic seizures
and to take
my medicine every day.
These are my altars.
I start at the health.
I'm trying to find a companion.
This is a good example
of my flower arranging.
This is your basic
toilet paper dispenser.
It's your basic shower with a...
I like it because you don't have
to have a shower curtain.
This is my bulletin board.
Life equals health, longevity.
I'm gonna die when I'm 95.
Uh, companionship, female.
Financial security and team.
Patience, rationality, beauty,
harmony, festival, garden, art.
Passing. This is the, uh...
I started to read
some books about--
because I was planning
about dying,
I started to read some books
about dying,
and lo and behold,
I discovered that the government
tells you when and where
and how you can die.
That really pissed me off.
I said the g*dd*mn government
doesn't have any right
telling me anything
about when I'm gonna die.
But if you want to die,
there's the only company
in the world
that'll help you die
is in Switzerland.
And you can go there,
and it costs, I think,
and they'll k*ll you.
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE: Nobody likes
to talk about death.
This child right here
has zero friends,
zero relatives,
nobody to talk
to about anything like that.
NURSE: All right, I don't like
the looks of that lower number.
GEORGE: Nobody.
I mean literally nobody.
Five, six,
seven.
Three, four...
five, six.
[GEORGE EXHALES]
NURSE: Two.
[GEORGE BREATHES DEEPLY]
♪ [SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪
[SNIFFS, BREATHES DEEPLY]
GEORGE:
When I first started festivals,
I played the role of the king,
and so I'm still
the king to them,
and they call me King George.
But I don't have time
and just don't wanna do it.
And so I'm trying
to find somebody
to take care of the festival.
I got nine years left
of my life, and...
I want to do art...
chase ladies. I don't wanna--
I want to find a companion
and I wanna do my art
in my garden.
That's it.
Companion, art, garden.
That's all I wanna do.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
OVERLAPPING DISTORTED VOICES:
George, George, George, George.
GEORGE: [VOICE ECHOES]
Companion, art, garden.
I want to find a companion
and I wanna do my art
in my garden. That's it.
[WOMAN GIGGLES]
OVERLAPPING VOICES: George,
George, George, George...
[CHATTER CONTINUES]
OVERLAPPING VOICES:
George, George, George....
-JEFF: George!
-♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
Yep.
Yep.
JEFF: Financial.
As of this morning,
in Woodforest,
we have 4,742,865 dollars
and 40 cents
in the bank account.
That's 8,235 more than we had
Saturday morning
-when I talked to you.
-LAUREN CROFT: Nice.
Lawsuits. Mercifully,
there was no movement
in lawsuits over the weekend.
Parking, we'll be adding a fee
to every 2023 ticket
to accommodate that.
That'll be a big source
of income for us.
LAUREN: I'll get
with Teagan today
-to start running those numbers.
-JEFF: All right.
-All right.
-JEFF: Okay.
-Okay.
-[LAUREN LAUGHING]
♪ [PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
JEFF: George is, you know,
Willy Wonka.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
JEFF: I mean, he's built a world
of pure imagination.
[CHILD WHOOPS]
JEFF: And, you know, I'm lucky
to be the head Oompa Loompa.
Marshall, I'm so glad
you're here.
Yeah, how much
have you been drinking, lassie?
[LAUGHS]
I thought unicorns
had four legs.
Hey, Tim. What's up?
So what is our solution?
Welcome to
the Texas Renaissance Festival.
JEFF: I was a performer
for 17 years.
I was the director
of entertainment
for the last quarter
of a century.
And I'm the general manager now,
and this is my life's work.
I mean, this place makes
a lot of money.
But that's not
what motivates me.
It's the magic.
Heroes!
JEFF: George brought
that magic here 50 years ago.
We need to keep
that magic alive.
Shoes are questionable.
I'm the chancellor.
Your boots are questionable.
The hand of the king.
Your shoes are questionable too,
and that piercing
needs to come out
of your cheek, please.
George has said
he's got nine years left,
so he's kind of come up
with a nine-year plan.
You need a hat, sir.
You, sir, need a hat.
And we're moving ahead
with that plan.
♪ [LOW MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
LOUIE: There was always
a succession plan,
but it shifts all the time.
There's a track right now
that I don't think
is sustainable,
because when you're a 13-
to 15-million-dollar festival,
it has to be run right.
Anything that's a threat to that
causes concern.
♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
LOUIE: Kettle corn,
lords and ladies!
Right over here!
Popped fresh all day long!
EMPLOYEE: Welcome, my dear!
LOUIE: People think it's crazy.
My operation
was built on kettle corn.
Hello, ladies, how are you?
I like the smiles.
Kettle corn
is the seed for all of this.
Then we got into merchandise,
then we did rickshaw rides,
and now we're sitting
at 12 programs, 140 staff.
So the growth of our company,
I think,
has shocked a lot of people.
And so that has caused
some jealousy and strife.
-He's new, right?
-Can I do...
Can we get
a flower crown on him?
LOUIE: You know,
it seems like capitalism
has a negative connotation
nowadays,
but I don't see
the negativity in it.
I see the beauty in it.
We can do this
on a different scale.
You know, wouldn't it be nice
to have EDM festivals...
♪ [EDM BAGPIPE MUSIC
PLAYS BRIEFLY] ♪
LOUIE:
...Renaissance University,
new and immersive technology,
things that will elevate
our game?
But some people who work here
are actually afraid
of that kind of change.
Maybe they don't wanna work
as hard.
Maybe they don't wanna make
as much money.
But this is where
the bus is going.
And if you're not willing
to get on the bus,
well, then you're not
on the bus.
♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
LOUIE: People do think
that I'm gonna take over.
You know, would I do a good job?
Yeah, I would do a good job.
JEFF: Great season, guys.
And how long have
you guys been coming?
High school.
It's my 43rd year
out here, guys.
Huzzah.
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
♪ [RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
JEFF: Welcome to
Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
A Texas style
renaissance podcast.
Founded in 1974,
the Texas Renaissance Festival
is the largest renaissance event
in the nation.
Our festival grounds
are nestled in the piney woods
of Todd Mission, Texas,
where magic
and dreams come true
when you enter the gates
of our 16th-century
New Market Village.
And now, the king.
♪ [TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS] ♪
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
Thank you, trumpeters.
And well met, goodly listeners.
That's right, we've come
to the end
of another exciting year.
How absolutely glorious
[OVER RADIO] I'm here with
our first king, George Coulam.
Good morning, George.
How are you?
-GEORGE: Very well, my lord.
-GREG: [LAUGHING] Oh, thank you.
-You do me a great honor--
-[TELEPHONE RINGING]
City of Todd Mission,
this is Neal.
How can I help you?
Hello?
Hello?
NEAL WENDELE: Todd Mission
is a very dynamic place.
♪ [GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
NEAL: And it's our job
to handle the things
that the fantasy forgets.
George is the king of the
Texas Renaissance Festival,
but he's also the mayor
of this town that he's created.
And those are
two very different roles.
-[BUTTONS CLICKING]
-[TV STATIC]
[VHS REWINDING]
A man had a heart attack
in the doorway
of the Renaissance Festival
office.
They took 35 minutes
for the ambulance to get there.
And then when they finally
got him to the hospital,
he was dead.
One f*cking hour to go
to the hospital,
the man died.
That's why we want an ambulance.
And the county says no.
So I do suggest everybody
reaching out
to your county commissioners,
if you can. That may--
Well, how about
we just don't pay our taxes
then to Grimes County?
Maybe that'd build a fire
under their a*s.
And guess who pays the bills?
[YELLING] Me!
NEAL:
George is a visionary genius.
He built this vision
and this is a utopia.
♪ [GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪
DON: Twenty years ago,
George bought
all the land down here
and moved everybody in,
so his fair is completely
surrounded
all year by people
who do his show.
♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
CURTIS: There's a home
for us here.
George Coulam, he...
he laid it down.
GLENDA: As a group out here,
we've known George for 40 years.
We worked together
to kind of build all of this.
I don't know
what's gonna happen to it
after he's gone,
because if he ain't working it,
it don't work.
There would be a lot of people
that would think
that they could take over,
but do you know how many people
that's been here that thought
they were gonna do that,
and now they're out?
That's why he's the king.
[CHUCKLES]
It's like a game.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
GLENDA: The pawns are
the people in his realm,
and he's the king.
He moves you around
as he sees fit.
CRIER: Welcome to
the Texas Renaissance Festival
and New Market Village.
GLENDA: It's just a game.
Some people lose
and some people win,
and some people win
more than others.
People, they don't really know
what he's like.
And they don't wanna know him
because they're scared.
You bat your eyes wrong
and you're gonna be gone.
You see somebody
with all that power
over the people.
-The city hall...
-...and to the republic,
-for which it stands...
-GLENDA: ...the festival...
but yet he has to have something
to fill that emptiness.
And that's what
he does it with...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
...his game.
CRIER: Make way for the king!
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
JEFF: Before I took this job,
I was a professional actor
for a long time,
and so I still dabble in it.
Here's me as Shrek.
JEFF: I was never really
into being a method actor.
But I was doing a play called
Daddy's Dyin',
Who's Got the Will?
And my father died in the middle
of rehearsal for that show.
And so I was able to take
that experience
of my father dying
into Daddy's Dyin',
Who's Got the Will?
And so the emotion
that I experienced
in that play was real.
It's a comedy.
It's all about the kids
coming together
and seeing
what they're gonna get.
Who's he gonna leave?
What's he gonna leave to who?
And so, Daddy's Dyin',
Who's Got the Will?
Yeah.
♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
JEFF: There's been a lot
of other general managers
who've sat in this desk
that don't have the experience
in the theater that I have.
So George and I,
we can communicate as artists.
I see some people who come in,
and after a year at the festival
they think they know
exactly what this place is.
But I don't think
there's anybody
who knows the festival
any better than me,
other than George.
He likes being king.
He's never going
to sell the festival.
He's gonna be king
until the day he dies.
But I'm the executor of his will
and he states out some things
that he wants to happen...
to put me in position...
to maybe possibly, you know,
fill in for his shoes.
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
GEORGE:
This is the doll magazine.
-Yes, sir.
-This comes once a month.
And I look here to see
if they have costumes like this.
And I ordered this doll
right here.
This lady will sell me this doll
for 1,000 dollars.
I'd like to have that costume
in the Renaissance Festival
and make this costume
part of the royal court.
Everybody should subscribe
to the doll magazine.
Next.
Here is the information
that you asked for your nose.
So what you have is
a squamous cell carcinoma.
What kind of cancer?
ASSISTANT:
Squamous cell carcinoma.
I have dermis cell carcimoma
and I have to go to this doctor.
Stop taking any medications
that'll interfere
with the procedure.
You don't have to worry
about any of this.
Nothing you take
will interfere with any of it.
You're good to go.
I have to take
Viagra and Cialis...
and I have to have
a shot of testosterone...
once a week.
And I'll tell you, that works.
And if you get
a shot every week...
you can have an erection
until you die.
And that's my goal.
And if I really, really wanted
to die the most perfect way,
it would be to have
a woman screw me to death...
and that should end of it
and I would just be dead.
That would be
the perfect way to go...
other than sodium pentothal.
Okay.
All done.
♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
Okay, this is Victor.
He's my personal assistant.
And he helps me
because I don't know
how to run a computer.
Uh, he has to help me
with my online dating.
And, uh, I'm on, um,
how many sites?
Uh, we are on 15.
We're on 15 sites.
So I'm on sugar daddy sites.
My personal assistant told me
that I shouldn't tell you that
I'm on a sugar daddy site.
♪ [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE: Okay, now here
we're scrolling right now
and here's some ladies.
And I like a nice, thin lady
between 30 and 50 years old.
Yeah, bring her up.
Then he goes on the site
and he says, "I saw your bio
and I'd like to get together
with you."
This is electronic dating.
[WOMEN GIGGLING, ECHOING]
GEORGE: But it's hard
when you're 85,
because I'm going down.
I want somebody that'll love me
and take care of me,
but I'm really starting
very late in the game
to find that.
JEFF: [MUFFLED]
Here's our financials.
Really and truly, we're looking
at almost 5.5 million dollars
if we had to.
We could put more
in the rainy-day fund,
we could put more
in the capital projects,
if we hit that number...
Website report.
This flowchart's pretty cool.
So these are all
the dropdown menus.
-These are the main menus.
-SEAN: Drainage project.
I've got plants
I've collected last week
for the festival
that we need to put in.
EMPLOYEE: We're going to hire
an entertainment director
full-time.
So I have a couple
of questions for you, sir.
JEFF: There's no movement
on the land taxes.
There's no movement, absolutely.
GEORGE: That's the highest
glory, being in love.
And then you're together
forever, even in heaven.
[VOICE ECHOING]
Even in heaven...
GEORGE: And then
what's Leonard saying?
You know what Leonards are?
This is Leonard right here.
He has kind
of his little own brain.
[CHUCKLES]
Sometimes he's the boss.
I said, "She's no good."
And he said,
"Bullshit. I want her."
[LAUGHS]
So I have to do
what Leonard says.
[CHUCKLES] Controls me.
♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE: My goal is to sell
all my assets before I die,
so I can spend the money.
If I didn't have
to do the festival,
then I could just focus in
on searching for a companion.
And they're out there.
There's plenty of good people.
I just have to have the money.
JEFF: [MUFFLED]
...that PPE loan forgiven.
-And once that PPE loan
is forgiven...
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
JEFF: [UNMUFFLED] ...there's
gonna be another 300,000 dollars
that joins that.
So it's very good.
Uh, Germany, I'm really
looking forward to it.
You know, meeting some people
in the industry,
getting new ideas.
It's really gonna be
an amazing trip, George.
We'll draw up our list
of everything we're gonna see,
where we're staying.
Kaltenberger Ritterturnier,
some great ideas.
Their jousting show
is beautiful.
The whole show's in German,
which is kind of cool.
We won't meet on Sunday,
so the next time you'll see me
is through Lauren's computer
when I'm in Germany.
Give me a call. My phone's on
if you need anything.
Okay.
GEORGE: Put it on Jeffrey's list
that I need his plan.
I already told him before,
right?
ASSISTANT: Yes, sir.
I need his plan for, uh...
entertainment.
Need the plan for entertainment.
ASSISTANT: Yes, sir.
[BIRDS CALLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
JEFF: Okay. I know all
of our time is pretty valuable,
so we're going to try to,
you know,
get this done
as quickly as possible.
There are several topics
I'd like to discuss. Uh...
First off, I don't know
how many of you
follow Facebook
and social media.
What kinda concerns me
is some of the optics
on George's statue.
And I've talked
to Karl about it.
I mean, the optics are bad.
You know, they're seeing
this bronze of George,
and they're making assumption
after assumption.
-LAUREN: A very negative--
-KARL: Price increases
in campgrounds
and across the board.
JEFF: And this is what we use
that money to pay for.
KARL: So that's what George--
LAUREN: Well they already have
their opinions so...
KARL: They already have
their opinions.
That's social media.
You know, some of them
are gonna hate
regardless of what we tell them,
you know, and we can't change
those people,
but maybe we can put out
our story.
Mrs. Giles
has this Polish artist,
and they wanted to create
this statue for George,
and that's a great idea,
had we raised
three quarters of the money
before the little Polish artist
was told, "Start."
So he already has
probably 150,000 dollars
into this statue,
and he's here to collect.
George decided out
of the kindness of his heart
to pay the artist.
We know how generous he can be,
and that's what the public
doesn't know.
And that's what
I'd like to get out there.
DARLA SMITH: So how do we
change the optics, Jeff?
That's it.
How do we change those optics?
DARLA: We can go in
and we can definitely list
all the positive things
that we have spent money
on this year,
but unfortunately, we all know
that's really not the issue.
That's not what-- That's not
gonna change their minds.
My first thought is that
it is designed to be
a gift for the vendors
and so we just put
that story out
that this is a gift back
to George
for what we've received.
Could be the fact
that we want George to know now.
And maybe-- I don't know
if we wanna get into
-how old he is and what--
-JEFF: They know.
But just let him know we wanted
to get it out to him now and...
JEFF: I think we need to say
it was a gift from the people
of the festival who he's had
an impact on--
George has had
an impact on their lives,
to honor him
and to let him know
he's being honored
before he won't know.
DARLA: Yeah.
That's a great idea.
Okay. So, tickets?
♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
PLAYS] ♪
TEAGAN: Because we did
a sale for Oktoberfest...
LOUIE: I've been here
a long time
and I've gone
to every general manager
and said, "Look,
I'm here to help."
And I've done that with Jeff.
'Cause it should have been
the biggest toga party in Texas.
That was the original plan
for it. But it never...
LOUIE: We see it here
all the time.
We're like, "You know what?
This person could manage."
Then we put them
as a manager and then they fail.
Look, Jeff was an actor.
But he's not a businessperson.
I mean, it doesn't have
to be expensive.
-DARLA: No.
-It doesn't.
DARLA: No, it doesn't.
LOUIE: I think George
at this stage is the king.
But I also think
it could change.
I just don't think
that Jeff has what it takes.
-DARLA: Sounds good.
-All right, cool.
-JEFF: Thanks, guys.
-Awesome, thanks.
[POWER TOOLS WHIRRING]
EMPLOYEE:
Do you want me to order a lunch?
LOUIE: I'll drink whatever
has caffeine in it.
[LOUIE GULPING]
♪ [FAST PERCUSSIVE MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪
LOUIE: I just wanna make sure
this gets ready
because we have
dress rehearsal weekend
this weekend.
And if we're gonna have a show
the bar will be open.
This building really needs
to be ready
as if fair opens
this Saturday.
Can you turn down
the intensity a little bit?
Change over into blackout.
Red up.
And you've got the red ambience
in the back? Cool.
[TOOLS WHIRRING]
LOUIE:
Hey, Siri, call Gene Haynes.
[PHONE RINGING]
LOUIE: People come out here
to be entertained.
So it's like, what was popular
back then?
-I'm like, burlesque,
variety shows.
-GENE HAYNES: [OVER PHONE] Yeah.
LOUIE:
Steampunk is Victorian fantasy,
-we'll do a Victorian craft
c*ck bar.
-GENE: Yeah. I hear you.
LOUIE: We got to do lemons,
limes, a case of each,
-cherries for the c*ck.
-GENE: Yeah.
The grapefruit... I mean,
how many come in a case,
do you know?
'Cause they're big.
GENE: Um,
I can check real quick.
LOUIE: Just do it, man.
Just do it all.
We'll just juice them all.
GENE: Okay, brother.
Sounds good, Louie.
LOUIE: All right. All right,
I'm gonna go get someone
to go get beer for you guys.
♪ [FAST PERCUSSIVE MUSIC
CONTINUES] ♪
LOUIE: For George,
this is still part of his blood.
He built this place.
But I think that,
at least financially,
he's trying to exit out.
I wanna buy the festival,
and I can make that happen.
My parents and relatives are
big investors in this company.
I should say they're
my biggest creditor
in this company.
So my family's able to see
what I've done,
and I know
that this place can grow.
[GROANS]
That works.
People just think I'm spending
daddy's trust fund,
and we're blowing money
like crazy.
But I have a tendency
to look for opportunity.
If I see opportunity,
I generally take it.
Two for 4.50,
any other specials?
There's other people
over the years
that have tried to buy it,
even brought a check to him,
and he's torn it up.
But it feels like the timing
is right, finally,
with what he's looking for
out of the festival.
Hey, Victor, what's up?
How's it going over there?
Doing good. George has dates.
That means he's happy.
That means I'm happy.
Exactly. A happy George
is a good George.
[CHUCKLES] Like, very happy.
LOUIE: I've told him my desire
and my willingness to try
to put something together.
But it all depends.
It all depends on him...
and what happens with Jeff.
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
[COWS MOOING]
♪ [PIANO NOTES PLAYING] ♪
BRANDI BALDWIN:
So how was work today?
You know, I love my new job.
-I do.
-BRANDI: Yep.
Teaching me lots
of new stuff, but...
sometimes I miss just being
the entertainment director.
-It was easier.
-[BRANDI LAUGHS]
Not as much fun, but easier.
♪ ["HEART AND SOUL"
PLAYING ON PIANO] ♪
JEFF: You know,
and now I'm learning real estate
and dealing with CPAs.
There are days
I feel comfortable,
and there are other days...
where I feel like I might be
a little out of my league.
♪ [PIANO PLAYS WRONG NOTE] ♪
You need to learn
how to play the piano more.
I do.
♪ ["HEART AND SOUL"
PLAYING OFF-KEY] ♪
[CHUCKLES]
-We-- [LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]
-We suck.
-You know, if we practiced,
-we would be okay.
-We would.
-JEFF: Two, three, four.
-♪ ["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYING] ♪
BRANDI: [SINGS TO MELODY]
♪ Auditions ♪
♪ What will they be like?
Those auditions... ♪
[SPEAKING] Jeff and I got
married at the festival.
I was selling programs
out at the front gate,
and I think at that time
he was Sheriff of Nottingham.
He looked really hot...
-We win.
-BRANDI: ...in his tights.
The time that I've spent
with TRF,
like, it's just been a dream.
This place
is very special to me.
Today, at this audition,
I'm looking
for a playful temperament.
[ACTORS CHANTING]
BRANDI: I was the assistant
to Jeff for three to four years.
And when he got
the general manager position,
entertainment director seemed
like a logical, a logical step.
But I've gotta make my own way.
♪ [PIANO MUSIC ENDS] ♪
[WATER BLASTING]
[HORSE TROTTING]
GEORGE: This is my last year.
This is the last year
I'm gonna do anything.
Now Jeffrey's got it all.
But Louie desperately wants
to buy the festival.
EDDIE: But that's every year.
Louie...
Louie, somehow, is he...
He would be a good manager
and he's a smart kid, but...
he doesn't have enough money.
He might do it.
You never know. But...
He comes with that right number,
you know, he might,
so...
GEORGE: But Jeffrey's problem
is he doesn't understand
the baseline policies
of hiring expertise.
Right, right.
He had his wife appointed
as the entertainment director,
and you can't do that.
That's in his blood. It's--
He just can't just let go of it,
you know what I'm saying?
Eddie, you can't do nepotism.
He made that decision,
and it was the wrong one.
He has to learn that.
♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
BRANDI: I'm not asking that
you be geniuses in your accent.
Though you will see some people
come up here and just rock it.
Fifteen years she spent
with ComedySportz.
You know, that's fifteen years
of ComedySportz made...
-Makes a huge difference.
-JEFF: ...a huge difference.
Very good. Just make sure that
you don't swallow your name,
your last name...
GEORGE: It's a typical disease
among managers.
They're only as good
as their assistants
and the professional help
they get from other people.
Even if you
are the Queen of Navarre,
or Queen Juana,
or Queen Catherine...
GEORGE:
Nepotism is not allowable,
ever,
period.
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
GEORGE:
It's a well-established fact
that family and friends
just doesn't work.
[GROANS]
All the friends
that I've made in the past
and all the relatives
got into business with me
and I got screwed royally.
So who wants
to get screwed royally?
And then you think, well...
better to have nobody.
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
JEFF: Hey, George.
GEORGE: [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]
Jeff, what's going on
with entertainment director?
You know, I think
I may have found a way to do it.
GEORGE: You need hardcore
Hollywood people
and they know exactly
what they're doing.
But, you know,
I know that Brandi is talented.
You know, I want--
GEORGE: But it don't
work out fine.
And it's proven
and you don't have--
There's nothing to argue about.
Okay?
JEFF: All right, George. Bye.
Brandi is, you know, infinitely
qualified for the job.
I mean, not only does she have
a degree in theater,
which strangely enough
I'm lacking.
I don't have a degree
in theater.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I run a sticky wicket
because I wanna keep
my wife happy,
but my wife needs to know
that George is using
the word nepotism a lot lately.
That somebody--
somebody put that word nepotism
into his head.
You know, I have an inkling
of who it might be.
LAUREN: We both do.
Yeah.
LOUIE: All right, Sir Chance.
You ready for this?
I think you deserve the honors.
-First batch of the season.
-CHANCE: Yes, sir.
LOUIE: Brand-new stick.
Always using a new stick
for every season.
We've got to round those corners
and see how much
we pop for the year.
Let's do this.
When we're all popping,
we do a lot of parodies
of 70s and 80s music.
And I remember doing,
like, you know, like,
that old 70s song,
like, "Joy to the World,"
-we'd say "Corn to the World."
-[LAUGHS]
But one of the songs we'd say
was "We Built This Village,"
"We Built This Village
on Kettle Corn."
And we really did.
I mean, we didn't build
the whole village.
-We built our village.
-EMPLOYEE: We're getting close.
-[CHUCKLES]
-EMPLOYEE: We're getting close.
LOUIE: Oh, "Bad Romance."
♪ [ALL VOCALIZING
TO "BAD ROMANCE"] ♪
LOUIE:
♪ Caught in a corn romance! ♪
[EMPLOYEE LAUGHS]
♪ Ra-ra, la-la-la, Gaga
Sugar and salt ♪
♪ What's your favorite
Kettle corn? ♪
[POPCORN POPPING]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
♪ [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE: I'm trying
to find somebody
to take care of the festival.
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
GEORGE: Louie!
LOUIE: [OVER PHONE] Hey,
Mr. George. How's it going?
Well, I just wanted
to check base with you
on the price of the festival.
LOUIE: Okay.
GEORGE: Okay.
Have you got time Friday?
-LOUIE: Okay.
-GEORGE: What time? What time?
LOUIE:
Well, how about eight o'clock?
GEORGE: So when you come
at eight o'clock, I'll show you,
then you--
we'll review the price.
LOUIE: All right, George.
I'll see you then.
Bye.
Well, that's Louie.
ACTOR 1: [ON TV] Well,
I try to help around the place.
I sat here alone
all night in this room...
with your baby.
[ACTOR 1 GROANING]
I wish now
that I'd been here with you.
[TV TURNS OFF]
GEORGE:
Emotions can really lead you
in the wrong direction.
The last couple of decisions
I've made have been good,
but behind that I have
a lot of bad decisions.
I bought some property
and then sold it too early.
And then I bought
some other property
and I paid too much for it.
♪ Ba-ba, da-do
La-doo, da-doo ♪
And so...
when I go for my walk
in the morning,
I come out here
and talk to my angels,
and ask them to help me
do certain things and...
My angels...
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
GEORGE: ...they help me.
This is Angel Moroni,
and this is who I ask to help me
find a companion.
That's Mother Earth,
and the Angels,
and Buddha, and Christ.
Those are my three deities
that I communicate
spiritually with.
♪ [MUSIC DISTORTS] ♪
I make much better decisions
when I just let them
do the talking.
I just say,
"Well, what should I do?"
[DISTANT OVERLAPPING VOICES]
GEORGE: [ECHOING]
What should I do?
ANGEL: [DISTORTED]
Sell it.
Sell it, George. Sell it.
Sell it, George.
Sell it.
Sell it, Georgie.
♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
JEFF: George is providing us
this once in a lifetime
opportunity.
-Eighteen days...
-BRANDI: Yeah.
...three world famous events
that we're going to see.
And Deutschland Legoland...
-[LAUGHS]
-...you know?
Obviously, the trepidation is,
we go to Cuba.
BRANDI: Uh-huh.
And when we went to Cuba,
the general manager was let go.
You know, I go to-- last year,
we go to Kentucky
to visit our in-laws.
And what happened?
The general manager was let go.
I don't wanna get to that point.
BRANDI: Thank you.
When we drive home,
are we going to sing
some Sweeney Todd?
JEFF: We could always sing
Sweeney Todd.
-[BRANDI CHUCKLES]
-I still want to play Sweeney.
BRANDI: Mm-hmm.
And you'd mentioned wanting
to play Lear at one time, yes?
Yeah, who wouldn't
wanna play Lear?
Is there anything...
about George that reminds you
of King Lear?
Yes.
BRANDI: So what? Like what?
He has a few conniving
daughters.
[CHUCKLES] You mean Louie?
-And one daughter that is true.
-[LAUGHS]
[SCOFFS] I mean,
do I think that Louie
would wanna be in charge?
Of course Louie would wanna be
in charge.
But I started
the festival at 16 years old,
Louie started it
at 30 years old.
You know, I have 43 years.
BRANDI:
But he still has great ideas.
Yeah, but there's a difference
between being a millionaire...
-BRANDI: Mm-hmm.
-...and being the king.
BRANDI: Yeah.
You know? A huge difference.
Lots of millionaires.
Very few self-made kings.
BRANDI:
So what does that make you then?
-JEFF: It makes me--
-You're Cordelia?
-I would like to think I am.
-[BRANDI LAUGHS]
I would like to think I am.
-You know?
-BRANDI: Well...
And the king doesn't
realize that till the end.
♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
♪ [MUSIC TURNS GENTLE] ♪
[BRANDI SIGHS]
♪ ["THE BIG BANG THEORY"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] ♪
♪ Unraveling the mystery
That all started ♪
-♪ With the big bang ♪
-♪ Bang! ♪
[ACTRESS SPEAKING GERMAN ON TV]
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[TV LAUGH TRACK]
♪ [CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
LAUREN:
I'm always gonna root for Jeff.
I know he has a vision
for the festival.
I know he loves it.
And he molded me
to be the assistant he needed.
JEFF: [OVER PHONE] All right,
Lauren, keep me posted.
Will do. I'll talk to you
in about forty minutes.
I'm a wallflower.
I'm able to blend in.
It's kind of making sure
each other's back
is kind of being watched.
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-[COMPUTER PINGS]
-LAUREN: We can see you.
JEFF: Hi, here we are.
I'm in Eresing, Germany.
I'll just go over
the normal check sheet
like I normally do.
The share plan,
there's no movement.
Subdivision,
I know the subdivision
is what you want to talk about.
Darla's on top of things.
I spoke with her
at length yesterday.
Uh, didn't know
that two realtors
were both listing
the same property.
That's my bad.
Chalk that one up
to a learning curve, I'm hoping.
Uh, it appears that everybody
is on board
with the c*ck idea.
I think you've had
multiple meetings pretty much
with all the food vendors.
Is that right?
-GEORGE: Yes.
-JEFF: Great.
So, and then we see
what the German festival's like,
and I'll have a report on that.
My cell phone's always on,
George.
Even in the middle of the night,
if you need anything,
you think of anything,
I don't turn it off,
even here in a distant land.
So, anything you have for me?
GEORGE: Absolutely nothing.
[COMPUTER PINGS]
[DOOR OPENING]
GEORGE: Mr. Louie.
LOUIE: Mr. George,
how's it going?
GEORGE: Okay.
LOUIE: Good, all right, so this
is what I've got for you.
The goal is to get you
to retire officially
on December 15 this year.
And so what I've done here
is I've listed out
all of the different pieces.
My family is pretty thick
with entrepreneurs.
And I have the money,
or at least most of the money.
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic
voice message system.
-George is not available.
-[PHONE BEEPS]
JEFF: [CHUCKLING] Hi, George.
Having an amazing time.
They've got, you know,
maybe a park
that's a tenth of our size.
You know, and it's all these
narrow medieval lanes.
But this crowd is thick.
They're doing a nighttime
theatrical show.
Full lights, full sound.
Well, I wish you were here.
You'd have a great time.
I can't wait
to try calling again.
♪ [BAND MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
[RATTLING]
BRANDI:
We've been waiting 20 minutes.
JEFF: Twenty minutes for a beer?
George would have their heads.
Good thing it's German beer.
JEFF: Beautiful work.
BRANDI: If you're buying a sword
at the Renaissance Festival,
you're not gonna go home
and keep your family safe
with it.
Well, you could, you know.
I mean, it was razor sharp.
Pheasant?
-Yes, it is a pheasant.
-Pheasant feather.
BRANDI: I think my brain
is starting to shut down.
Babe, I have to give George
a report on all the shops here.
-BRANDI: All right.
-Do you want a bracelet?
-BRANDI: No, I'm good right now.
-Auf Wiedersehen, friends.
-SHOPKEEPERS: Auf Wiedersehen!
-BRANDI: Come on, Jeff.
Tschüss.
BRANDI: I think we've
done enough for one day.
JEFF: I think the park closes
at 12:30 tonight,
so we'll probably
close it down.
BRANDI: I'm tired,
and we wanna go...
I know we're tired,
but, you know...
I wanna go home
and sleep in my bed.
If it were called fun,
it would be fun.
It's called work,
and work means work.
It doesn't mean fun.
Fortunately, my work is fun.
Brandi,
you of all people know George.
He is our benefactor.
He's your benefactor.
But he-- in proxy,
he is your benefactor.
Look at what he's done for us.
I serve George, and by proxy,
then you serve George.
-Yes?
-Uh, you know what?
Yes, I just wanna
hear you say it.
Come on,
he's given us everything.
Has he not?
♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
LOUIE: Hey, Siri, call Jordan.
Yo, hey, man,
I had to pull the trigger,
so hopefully
that stuff looks good.
-You there?
-♪ [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
Yeah, yeah, I got you.
No, what happened was basically
he's ready to make a deal.
Yeah, you guys know
how hard I work. You've seen it.
You know, when it's family
money, it ain't getting lost.
Don't you see I want to be
the stuffy elite upper class?
JEFF: George is responsible
for everything, babe.
He sends us on these trips.
He's given us the life
that we lead right now.
You know, the only cell phone
I've ever had
is the one
he's provided me with.
Have I ever had to make
a cell phone payment?
Never.
You know,
he's never gonna retire.
He's never gonna fully retire,
and I understand that.
But, I mean, when he dies,
what's gonna happen, babe?
You want me to be
the general manager,
or do you want me
to be the king?
-BRANDI: Eh...
-Come on, come on.
What?
Just say that you serve George.
Yes or no?
♪ [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] ♪
Yes. You want me to say yes?
I said yes.
[JEFF LAUGHING]
[SCOFFS] Jesus Christ.
How we doing down there?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Okay, I think some of them
are straggling.
We're going to run late.
So, okay, okay?
We're about to start the show.
There's mocktails
on the menu, baby.
Mocktails on the menu.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
LOUIE: So as long as
he can learn that,
I'm willing to help with that.
I'm happy with that.
It's just a matter
of how that comes to play.
And, you know, there's also,
what does Jeff really want
in the future?
I mean, I think he wants to own
the place or run the place,
-but I've never really sat down
and talked to him.
-Well, yeah.
LOUIE: It's got to be
a good deal.
I mean, at the end of the day,
so, you know, if we could--
I could come up with money,
we could get to the point
where he wants this
and I want this
based on the value and based on
what the investors will back,
and there can be an impasse
and it can fizzle.
Whatever the price, under me,
it'll turn into a great fair.
I don't mind doing that,
and I'll spend it
'cause I think it'll really pop.
We have a lot of ideas.
I'll text you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CROWD CHEERING]
LOUIE: All right. Let's do this!
GEORGE: Rationality.
When I'm gonna make a decision,
I need to use rationalization
in making that decision.
I make better decisions
if I stop, count to ten,
and do it rationally.
Amen.
Jeff...
or Louie.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[PERFORMERS SHOUTING]
[CHEERS]
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING GERMAN]
This is what we've been
waiting for.
BRANDI: Yeah.
-♪ [BAND MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[PERFORMERS CHANTING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[LINE RINGING]
LAUREN: [EXHALES]
Pick up, pick up.
[PHONE RINGING
AND VIBRATING]
Um, you got a call?
JEFF'S PHONE: Call from Lauren.
JEFF: Jeff.
LAUREN: Hey, Jeff.
Can you talk for a second?
JEFF: Lauren, right now I can't.
LAUREN: It was just Louie-
JEFF: What about Louie?
LAUREN: They were discussing
numbers and loans
and what it would take and...
Louie is going to buy
the festival from George.
♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
[HORSE SNORTS
AND NEIGHS]
[SOUNDS DISTORT]
LAUREN: Jeff? Jeff?
♪ [UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
JEFF: How could this happen?
Louie?
He doesn't know the festival
as well as I do.
I deserve it.
He doesn't.
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]
BOTH: Jeff.
BOTH: Jeff.
FAIRGOER:
Yeah, it's King Louie now.
Oh, we always knew it was him.
[ECHOING]
Always knew it was him...
-[BREATHES HEAVILY]
-Jeff!
[INHALES, EXHALES]
ACTOR 1: One more drink
will bring me closer to you.
GEORGE: All hail
the new commander, Louie.
-[BELL TOLLING]
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Come now, you cannot be serious.
The key to a successful business
is to take risks.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
ACTOR 2: No! No! No!
I have a plan
to sell it all!
♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
♪ [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
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01x01 - Daddy’s Dyin, Who’s Got The Will?
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Ren Faire follows an epic power struggle at the Texas Renaissance Festival, after its founder announces his retirement.
Ren Faire follows an epic power struggle at the Texas Renaissance Festival, after its founder announces his retirement.