02x20 - Principal for a Day

[bunniefuu]

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there
was nothing Principal Glascott

loved more than the morning meeting.

It's where he got to bring
everyone up to speed

on what was happening
at his beloved William Penn.

Okay, so, we need three more
chaperones for the Spring dance.

Uh, this weekend we'll be
cleaning out the kitchen,

so any food that you leave behind

will become an app for my book club.

Not my celery sticks! [Laughs]

Also, tomorrow morning, I will be going

under the knife and may die.

Wait, what?

Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

It's just some very invasive,

life-threatening... procedure.

Oh, my God,
why didn't you tell us sooner?!

John, what's going on?

You can tell us. We can handle it.

[Sighs] I'm having
hallux valgus surgery.

John, should we get
a prayer chain going?

- It sounds serious.
- Calm down, people.

The man has a bunion.

Mee Maw Mellor had a bunion.

It's, uh, a little extra bone
on your big toe.

Well, mine's actually
at the base of my baby toe,

medically referred to as a "bunionette."

Anyways, I'll be out
for the next few days

and will need someone
to fill in as acting principal

while I'm gone
staring death in the face.

Or just your gross toe.

The person that I will be
passing the torch to is...

[Suspenseful music plays]

...CB.

- Really?
- Really?

- Really?!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I-I don't even...
I don't even know what to say.

What an honor. Wow.

I promise to represent this school

to the best of my ability, John.

Relax, Miss America. It's a couple days.

♪ One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here ♪

♪ Live your life and finally be free ♪

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

It was April 15th, 1990-something,

and Coach Mellor
and Julie's relationship

was chugging along comfortably.

- Ah! There's the light of my
- [Refrigerator door closes]

very healthy and active life.

Are you ready for
Stouffer's French Bread Pizza

and "Nash Bridges" tonight?

Actually, I was thinking
that we could go see "Rent"

at the Forrest Theater,
you know, have a night out?

Great, but not on the night
of the season finale.

We didn't watch 23 episodes
of "Nash Bridges"

to miss the big finale.

I'm sure they'll just solve
the 24th crime,

but maybe we could go see
"Rent" tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night is, uh,
tuna casserole and Boggle.

- The night after that?
- Fajitas on the grill

and washing the mesh pinnies
from gym class.

That's certainly much better.

That's my girl! Back on track!

- [Smooches]
- [Chuckles]

Rick, I don't mean to pry.

Don't you, though?

But that woman is clearly
looking to get out

and have a little fun,
and all you want to do

is sit at home eating and
sniffing kids' gym clothes.

Never at the same time.

You two are clearly in a rut.

You're damn right we are!

Wait, do you think that's a good thing?

The rut is the dream!

I mean, it just means
that the relationship

is smooth sailing, and there are
no kinks to iron out.

Do you ever do date nights?

For us, every night is a date night.

You just heard three of them.

Did you hear three date nights?

At this point, I don't know
if I can identify a date night.

I mean, is that when you go out
and listen to music

that isn't about what direction
the wheels on the bus go?

I'm just trying to help you.

Julie wants to shake things up.

If you can't do that, she may
look for someone who can.

Julie shakes things up plenty!

In fact, lately, she's been out
studying for her nursing exam

with her gal pal, Leslie!

Hey, Rick.

Leslie's here, and I wanted
you guys to meet.

Hi! You must be Leslie's very
ripped and smoldering husband.

I'm Rick Mellor. Nice to meet you.

[Laughing] No, Rick.

This is Leslie.

But you're a boy!

No, he is all man.

Yeah, people get it confused
all the time.

Don't feel bad. [Chuckles]

Well, that sure shook things up.

As Mellor was beginning to worry

about Julie's new study partner,

CB was starting the day off

with a fun spin on the morning
announcements.

Good morning, William Penn!

I don't know if you've heard,

but there's a new sheriff in town.

[Coconut halves clacking]

[Imitates horse whinnying]

It's me, Charlie Brown,

your temporary interim principal!

Please mosey on over
for some counseling,

discipline, or just a nice high-five.

- [Wood clacks]
- My door will always be open,

and if it's shut,
just give me a nice, little...

- [Knocks on table]
- ...or a "ding-dong"!

To be clear, you're gonna
have to say "ding-dong"

because we don't actually
have a doorbell.

Now, giddy on up
to your classes, everybody!

[Coconut halves clacking]

LAINEY: Yep, CB was feeling
great about his new gig.

That is, until he ran
into "The Pinkies,"

a trio of popular girls
who ruled the school.

They sometimes wore pink,
but always did this.

- Hi!
- Hi, Mr. Brown!

I mean, Principal Brown.

I heard Glascott's foot died
and you're in charge now.

Not entirely accurate, but sure!

So, I'm having my birthday
bash this Saturday,

- and I was wondering...
- Oh, I am incredibly flattered,

but it's also my Nana's b-day,
and we are touring

the Yankee Candle Factory,
so... [chuckles]

but I'll take a party bag.

Yeah, no.

Anyway, my dad owns Kinko's,
so I'm kind of known

for having these rad
party invitations...

full-color cardstock,
photo-gloss finish.

None of that matte garbage.

Yeah, we hate that garbage.

- Such garbage.
- Stop it!

Anyway, this year I want to go all-out

and surprise my guests

by putting their invitations
inside their lockers.

Oh, wow! That is delightful!

You're such a good friend.

So, can you do me a teeny, tiny favor

and get me the combinations
to these 37 lockers?

Opening other students' lockers
to put party invites in?

Sounds awesome!

- Happy to oblige!
- You're the best.

I'll send Marni later to pick them up.

Bye-e-e!

Bye!

Hey.

Did I just hear you agree to give Gina



Yeah, for her birthday invites.

She's trying to make
her guests feel special.

It's the exact opposite.

She is trying to make a very clear point

of how exclusive her party is

so everyone who doesn't
get invited feels like crap.

Why would she do that?

That's what she feeds off of.
She's a monster.

- Gina?!
- She's a classic mean girl.

The Pinkies are at the top of
the William Penn social pyramid.

They decide who's cool and who's not.

And they manipulate anyone
in their sights

and use them however they see fit.

So they're like super villains?

I'm just saying
you're principal right now,

and this party can make for
a pretty rough couple of days.

Do you think that
I don't have what it takes?

I'm just saying you could really
use my help on this one.

I see what's going on here.

Looks like someone is jealous
that Glascott didn't pick you.

CB, this is not a power grab
for an unpaid temporary job.

Look, I was a teenage girl once,
and I've had my fair share

of dust-ups with their kind.
I know how to tangle.

Thank you, but I am good, all right?

And as your supervisor, may I just say

to get your caboose over
to that fifth period right now?

Toot-toot!

Without my train sound-effect
whistle, it just doesn't pop.

[Laughs]

So, Julie tells me you're
a tremendous athlete, Rick.

I, uh, played a little
high-school basketball.

Probably shirts and skins.

I imagine you played on the skins team.

I'm imagining it right now.

I played high-school basketball,

but then I went on to play college ball.

- You got me beat there.
- College ball is a different beast.

I mean, I had a couple
of scholarship offers,

but then one morning
I just woke up and I decided

to grab a backpack and travel the world,

wherever the wind takes me.
And I'm speaking literally.

I was on a one-man sailboat.

That's Leslie. Mr. Spontaneity.

Well, this has been great!

Uh, but, uh, Julie and I
have our regular

weekly Taco Tuesday lunch, so...

Actually, Rick,
with the nursing test coming up,

I want to get in
as much studying as I can.

So Leslie and I are going
to have a "studying lunch"

on myology at the café down the street.

- Myology.
- Nice meeting you, Rick.

Nice to meet you, man Leslie.

And I'm sorry, but I think
I'm gonna have to skip

"Nash Bridges" tonight.

Leslie's coming over
so we can study anatomy.

Anatomy.

- [Coffee mug taps lightly]
- For the first time ever, I envy Julie.

Wilma, you're right!

Julie and I are in a rut!

No! You're in the rut!

Julie's climbed out and is about
to free solo Mount Leslie!

The writing was on the wall for Mellor.

As for Principal CB,

he was trying to get some
signatures for Glascott.

Come on, man. That's all of my food.

Sorry, it's a "get well" card for John.

I'm trying to get
the whole faculty to sign it.

I never know what to write
in these things.

There's too much pressure.

Okay.

Mean girls.

I don't know what
Lainey's talking about.

Those three are thick as thieves.

No!

Oh, Gina, Marni, come on.

Oh, that's not good.

All right, time to be Principal CB here

and get to work.

Are you about to talk
to Gina and her crew?

- That is correct.
- No. They're in my Spanish class.

I call them "Las rosaditas del diablo."

"The devil's pinkies"?

Oh, my God, you, too? Come on.

- CB!
- I've got this!

CB!

Hi, Jessica.

Everything okay?

I just got this from Gina's people.

That'd be Marni.

"You're not invited." What?

Right? I thought I was
a "Pinky for Life."

- That's our motto.
- Well, did something happen?

I don't know.

Maybe I looked at Todd weird.

Maybe my sweater was too much like hers.

Maybe she's just jealous because my hair

looks better in a French braid.

Well, you know my motto...
"If you feel bad,

tell the person who made you feel bad

and find out why they made you feel bad

so that you don't feel bad."

That's super clunky.

I'll just find other friends...

or eat lunch alone
for the rest of my life.

That is not a pink devil girl.

That is just someone in need.

And lucky for her she's got
a principal who won't give up.

Not giving up is a big mistake.

[Groans] You sound just like Lainey.

Why, is she right, too?

I'm already formulating a plan

that's not only gonna help Jessica,

but it's gonna get
all three friends back together.

Well, we're gonna miss you around here.

Good luck!

CB was determined to solve
the drama between The Pinkies,

and I had thought up
a solution of my own.

Hey. Coop came by and told me
what happened with Jessica

getting de-invited from Gina's party.

Yeah, she's really upset.

I know how I can help.

I'll start a rumor there's
a Germantown party

the night of Gina's party
that Jessica's going to,

which will make everyone go,

"What's the big Germantown party?"

And Gina will be nervous that kids

are gonna not go to her party.

So, to make sure the pretend
Germantown party

doesn't overwhelm her party,
she'll invite anyone,

including the dis-invited Jessica.

Okay, you're acting like a child,

whereas I'm the person in charge.

So, while I appreciate your
input... actually, not at all.

Who said that?

This stuff is clearly out
of your pay grade, okay?

Hi, Mr. Brown.

- You wanted to see me?
- Jessica, yes, I did.

- Please take a seat.
- Am I in trouble?

No, the opposite of trouble.

Don't worry.

- What are they doing here?!
- What's she doing here?

Yeah, what's she doing here?

What are all of them doing here?

Chill. CB the Principal has got this.

I am about to turn back time.

You're gonna sing like Cher?

No, something better.

Please, take a seat.

A journey through the long history

of your beautiful friendship,

as told by the William Penn yearbook.

Here we go.

[Sentimental music plays]

- Oh, my God.
- This isn't happening.

Aww, look at you guys.

Second grade. Thick as thieves.

Speaking of thick, you really
did hold on to that baby fat.

Yeah. I remember you called me
"Miss Piggy."

- Well, you do snort when you laugh.
- [Chuckles]

I don't think this is making
them any closer.

Let me start my second-party rumor.

No! You are a teacher.

We do not start rumors, okay?

I am principal,
authorized by John Glascott,

who may or may not have survived
his bunion surgery.

So do not undermine me, please.

And... first day of high school!

Oh, my God, you never
gave me that shirt back!

I did you a favor.

As if you've ever been able
to pull off olive.

- Klepto!
- b*tch!

- Christmas pageant!
- Abort!

They feel your desperation,
and it repulses them!

You know what? You are both
officially off my party list!

- [Both gasp]
- But, "Pinkies for Life."

Why don't you put that away?

CB's plan hadn't worked out
like he'd hoped.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Meanwhile, Julie and Leslie

were hoping to have
a productive study session.

Hey-oh!

Rick, what are you doing here?

Brought you some brain food
for your study sesh.

Unexpected.

Some might even say spontaneous.

We've got, uh, manchego,
chorizo, pan y mantequilla.

That all sounds delicious.

Well, I thought we'd get
a head start on the food

we'll be eating in...

- [Spanish accent] Barcelona!
- [Gasps]

Which is the first stop
on our spontaneous

trip around the world.

Oh, Barcelona is beautiful.

If you go, you must see the
Basilica de la Sagrada Família.

- Must we?
- And do me a favor.

Go to the Café de l'Opera,
tell Roberto I sent you,

and ask him to make you his
special paella de Leslie.

Nah, we're not gonna
have any time for that.

Pack a bag, baby!

This is, uh, all very sudden
and... and exciting!

I know. I don't even have a passport.

But I can't travel or go
anywhere until after I take

my nurse practitioner
certification test.

All right, well,
we'll put a spontaneous pin

in our spontaneous trip!

- Thank you.
- And when you ace this test,

I am personally gonna have
a name plate made that says

"School Nurse Practitioner Julie."

We can even bring it to Barcelona.

Rick, I'm taking this test

so I can get a job back at the hospital

and continue to learn
and advance my career.

But your career
is at William Penn, with me.

I like working at the school,

but for me, it was always temporary.

Julie's an exceptional nurse.

In fact, when she passes
her certification,

I'm gonna do my best
to get her a position

at Abington Memorial with me.

- With you?
- Yes, that's where Leslie works.

And he said he's
gonna put in a good word

with his department head.

That's very helpful of you, Leslie.

I appreciate you extending
the courtesy to my girlfriend.

[Breathes sharply]

Ah, you're truly a good guy.

Leslie's truly an [bleep].

I'm gonna take him down and show
Julie I'm the dominant male.

Seems like so far,
he's dominated you everywhere.

Which is why the next battle
will be in my arena!

[Heroic music plays]

[Music slows, stops]

You're gonna play him in badminton?

No, one-on-one basketball,
or as they say in Barcelona,

uno-a-uno en baloncesto.

While Mellor was getting pumped
to go head-to-head with Leslie,

CB was feeling deflated

due to some tough feedback
from his boss.

So, I heard all about
your Pinkies disaster.

John, I have got everything
under control, all right?

It's just three upset friends.

Oh, this is way bigger
than upset friends.

The whole party is off.

I got Marni's mom up my a*s
'cause she can't get a refund

for her daughter's
dumb sequin party dress.

Like somehow it's my fault she
lost the receipt from Wet Seal.

- I'm... I'm sorry.
- GLASCOTT: Oh, that's not all.

Gina's dad permanently
revoked our school's discount

on all banner printings from Kinko's.

So I guess the football players
will be taking the field

running through nothing!

It's hard to cheer for that

'cause you can see them the whole time.

And Jessica and Marni

both dropped out of the school musical

and took all the other girls with them

to show solidarity against Gina!

Now it's just "Guys"? No "Dolls"?

Sorry to interrupt,
but I thought you should know

I was just able to subdue

a colossal food fight in the cafeteria.

- What happened?
- All I really know is

what with The Pinkies disbanding,

the students feel no need to
abide by the rules of society.

Don't worry. I'll clean it up.

Just be careful out there!

Oh, my God,
it's even worse than I thought!

I can fix this, all right?

We haven't even tried puppets
yet with the girls.

And as you know, that is the ultimate

conflict resolution tool.

You do not have the authority
to go into my puppet drawer!

[Drawer slams]

Oh, God, and to think
this could all have been solved

with a rumor about a competing party!

That is what I've been saying!

You have?

I see.

Lainey Lewis, you are now

the new Interim Principal
of William Penn.

- Huh?
- Well, well done.

Guess you've got everything
you ever wanted.

- What?
- Yeah, you've been gunning for my job

- since Day One.
- This is Day One.

You've angled and you've played,

and you know what?

You are just like those Pinkie girls.

You are a Pinkie teacher.

So, bye-e.

LAINEY: As CB was giving me
the cold shoulder,

Mellor was warming up for his
one-on-one game with Leslie.

All right, Rick. It's game time.

Leslie hasn't arrived yet,
but when he does,

I am prepared to give him

the worst basketball-related beat-down

since the Jocks defeated the Rocks

in MTV's "Rock Jock B-Ball Jam '93."

Why do you even know that?

That event was the perfect confluence

of my love for basketball
and my disdain for Urkel

and his abject refusal to
admit that he did "do that."

Hey, Rick. Ready to hoop it up.

Where are the rest of the guys?

The rest of the eight guys flaked.

I don't know why I keep
inviting those eight guys.

They always flake.

They're the flakiest eight guys I know.

- Right, Wilma?
- Don't involve me in your weirdness.

Well, since it's just you and I,

what do you say we go one-on-one?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Just give me a minute to stretch.

All right! [Chuckles]

My plan is going off like clockwork.

Julie will arrive
in the middle of the game

and see me dominating Leslie,

and that image will be seared
into her brain.

Leslie, a sniveling loser,

curled up in the fetal position
on the gym floor

while I stand over him

like a mythical basketball Minotaur,

half man, half bull!

All champion!

- All right, I'm ready.
- Ah, time to play.

Now, so we know who's on whose
team, let's go shirts and skins.

Rick, you're shirts.

I guess that makes you skins, Leslie.

Pop that top, big boy!

It's pretty clear
what the teams are, Wilma.

Let's do this!

[Whistle blows]

♪

♪

Word spread of Coach's
heated one-on-one game.

And soon enough, there was
a full house watching,

as Mellor dominated Leslie.

[Crowd cheering]

♪

- Time!
- [Whistle blows]

Julie, what a nice surprise.

You asked me to come here.

Are you playing one-on-one
against Leslie?

Yeah, just for fun.

I mean, I'm the 15 and he's the 6,

so I'm winning by a lot.

Why don't you sit down
and enjoy the game?

- Sure.
- Time back in!

Since I've been running away with this,

I'll go a little easier on you,
starting about now.

[Crowd cheers]

[Students chanting] Mellor!

[Coughs]

[Dramatic music plays]

Tom's choking!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come here. Come on. Come on.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

[Heroic music plays]

Oh, my God, Leslie!

You saved his life!

[Students chanting] Leslie!

No, no.

Let's not forget the score.

- It's 18-6.
- [Chanting continues]

Did you see what Leslie did?

- Can you believe it?
- Yeah, he stole my thunder.

Tom Scott was choking.

Yeah, well,
he's partially to blame, too.

Rick, are you jealous of Leslie?

Of course I'm jealous.

He's got a paella named
after him, for God's sake!

I'm just some boring routine guy

who makes you stay at home
and wash gym clothes.

You deserve that job and to
spend all your time with him.

- Rick.
- Don't.

And it's true. We are stuck in a rut.

Maybe going to work with Leslie

is the best way to get out of it.

[Ball bounces]

After calling me out
as a mean girl, CB was going

to get back at me by pulling
a mean girl move of his own.

Oh, I'm sorry.
This party is invite-only.

What party?
This is the teachers' lounge.

With balloons and a cheese plate.

- No.
- Yeah, so clearly a party.

The cheese choice is yellow or white.

With either Ritz crackers
or broken Ritz crackers.

And again, if you don't have
a party invite,

you're gonna have to skedaddle

'cause this is
an exclusive private event.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

Gosh, the tables have certainly
been turned on me.

Oh, my God!

A party for me and my new
perfectly symmetrical feet?!

Oh, uh...

So, Lainey, how'd everything go?

Pretty good. Pinkie problem solved.

CB reluctantly helped me
start a Germantown party rumor

that worked so well

there somehow actually is
a Germantown party now.

A bunch of kids over there
are disappointed

they're not invited,
but, hey, not our problem.

Not our problem at all. [Chuckles]

So, I'm glad you two
got to work together.

Well, I guess it was dumb to think that

old photos of The Pinkies
would remind them

how much they care about each other.

[Laughs] Yeah, Gina Rivera
has no feelings whatsoever.

But it doesn't matter whose idea
it was. It got it done.

Well, it was Lainey, so here's
your new heir apparent.

I have no interest in this job.

But I did.

I always thought I would follow
in your footsteps, John,

going from teacher to counselor
to principal.

- You still can.
- But I sucked at it.

So what if you have to go to Lainey

to help you with a student issue

or to Coop to help you plan
this awesome party

or Johnny Atkins to get
the beanies and/or weenies

off the cafeteria wall?

For the record, it was both.

Good leaders
don't do everything themselves.

They get the best
out of everyone they lead.

It's true, CB.

And just so you know, I was
on your side the whole time.

There's no one that can inspire

this entire school the way you do.

Thanks, guys.

Now let's get that
"welcome back" party started!

Coop, what all do you have planned?

Uh, we... Um, uh...

- [Hootie and the Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" plays]
- [Chuckling] Whoa...

CB was taking everything
Glascott and I said to heart.

♪ With a little love
and some tenderness ♪

Meanwhile, Julie was hoping to have

a heart-to-heart of her own with Mellor.

Are you rocky-roading at 8:00 a.m.?

With rainbow sprinkles.

Not even the new confetti colors

can brighten the darkness I feel inside.

Look, Leslie is just a friend.

That's all he's ever been. And the job?

Even though I always planned
on leaving this school

for bigger career opportunities,
I never planned on leaving you.

With this new job,

you're gonna be leaving
at the crack of dawn,

you'll come home late, exhausted.

I just feel like we're not gonna
have as much time together.

But maybe there's a way
that we could add to the time

that we see each other
outside of school.

Like, on the weekends?

I was thinking during the week,

if, uh, maybe we moved in together?

Wow!

Not... Not immediately or
anything, but... but someday.

Because no matter how much life changes,

I always want you there with me.

And I, too, also,
with change, want that.

For the changes... wait.

- I understand.
- ♪ 'Cause I've got a hand for you ♪

- I love you.
- Oh, I love you.

Life can throw a lot of changes our way.

- [Clacking]
- And sometimes those changes

can make us feel insecure,

and we second-guess ourselves.

That's why, as long as you
stay true to who you are,

- those insecurities will fade away.
- ♪ I'll take you to the promised land ♪

And if you keep an open mind,
you'll find your friendships

will flourish more than ever.

And who knows?

You might even discover
a new one in the process.

Or learn a lesson
and make an improvement

in one that you already have

and cherish with all your heart.

♪

Good morning, William Penn!

[Imitates rooster crowing]

I hope everyone had a great weekend,

even though we had all that rain...

[Kernels pattering]

- ...wind...
- [Hair dryer blowing]

- ...and thunder!
- [Foil whooshing lightly]

That sounds nothing like it.

- It's all I have, John.
- Workshop it.

Anyway, we have a great week coming up.

Wednesday night's the
varsity basketball game.

- [Basketball thumping]
- [Imitates crowd roaring]

Hopefully there won't be
any broken bones.

[Celery snaps]

Because we don't want anyone
carted off in an ambulance.

[Imitates English siren]

In England?

[Imitates American siren]

You guys need to stop!

Okay, uh, let's put on the brakes.

- [Imitates brakes screeching]
- CB, please give it a rest.

- [Snoring]
- [Glascott chuckles]

Hey, I think we're a hit.