08x07 - The Clampetts in New York

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to my story about a man

named shed a poor Mountaineer barely

kept his family fed and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground come a bubble and crude oil that

is black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folk said can't move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be solder loaded up the truck

in the mood of Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars a Beverly

hillbilly

thank you

[Music]

it's Hathaway get a move on we'll miss

our friend in New York come on come on

please stop yelling I'm doing my best

the shorty here was a wagon no nobody's

ready but me the clappers are buying

half of New York from a confidence man

and I'm stranded here in the middle of

no place please calm down calm down you

heard what shorty said that con man has

already sold in Central Park and we've

got to get there before they buy the

rest of Manhattan really go and find

Shorty and get that wagon here 85

million dollars hanging in a balance and

I'm the only one ready to go except for

one thing what's that your trousers

excuse me just just a minute friend

before we disembark there's something

I'd like to explain I have long been

closely associated with the New York

police force they always love to see me

come to town

they spend the years huh Chums spells in

fact when we enter the channel you may

notice several of them may converge upon

me and begin to ask question what kind

of question oh questions concerning

unsolved crimes I'm considered somewhat

of an expert in the field of criminology

I like to help the boys in blue whenever

I can well it seems to me helping the

police is as fine a thing as a fella can

do well thank you no they may even want

me to accompany them to headquarters to

speak to the captain where we see you

again Mr shaper I mean Honest John

Central Park now you tell the cab driver

to take you to the Statue of Daniel

Webster kin to you was he her cousin if

my memory serves me right

[Music]

my doggies that happened just the way Mr

Schaefer said it would them New York

police sure was glad to see him we know

sooner step foot in the building and

three of them came rushing up to him

grabbed him by the arms of prisoner

carried him out the fact that the

captain had some tough questions to ask

him well he's the one that can answer

them he's a smart fella

[Music]

where do you folks want to go are you

stopping at some Hotel no just take us

to the piece of property we buy in the

Central Park

playing Central Park oh yes he's gonna

Farm it and raise Hogs and chickens and

cattle there watch out uh sorry

ordinarily I don't drive like a nut a no

offense

we're coming to Central Park any

particular place you want to go yeah let

us off at the Statue of Daniel Webster

after Mr Shaffer said to meet him right

Mr Schaefer is a fellow that's selling

us the park I say folks call him Honest

John

oh what else

[Music]

here you are folks thanks for the Dandy

ride uh yeah it's uh 8 40. and still

brought daylight no no I mean you owe me

eight dollars and forty cents oh you

want to stay around and meet Mr Schaefer

no thanks I've had it for today he's

likely to take us around New York and

show us the sights yeah I haven't taken

by Bellevue they'll love you there there

you are keep the chain oh

thanks well let's look around see what

we find

thanks again Mr driver yes you're

enjoyed it come visit us I can't wait

yeah there's the statue of Daniel

Webster he must be a pretty famous fella

jeffro oh heck yeah there's a whole book

wrote about it it's called a dictionary

education sure of Hazel

[Music]

all right Shifty you got 24 hours to get

out of town well thanks for nothing Buzz

how about my luggage Captain says it be

waiting at the airport I think I'll see

that he's on the beat for this I am not

without influencing high places remember

we're giving you 24 hours how long Pals

call me anytime

glad to see you Mr Krampus uh what did

policeman mean

uh what did you hear

he said he was going to give you 24

hours oh that yes but it's the ordinary

New York closes probably at 9pm lights

out well due to my influence I have

persuaded the police to leave the city

open for 24 hours so that you may see it

at night

what the heck

Square Broadway 42nd Street all the

famous thoroughfares will be lit up just

for you

[Music]

how do you like the park it's everything

you said it was and more now I know why

they call you honest John and they might

have earned by a lifetime of clean

living self-sacrifice and Devotion to my

fellow man I am proud to know you

pleasure is mine

where's the rest of your lovely family

oh he's waiting for us over by the lake

by the way uh is any fishing

fishing I have a bouncing fish an

Angler's Paradise uh what kind did it

catch here in New York what kind well

let me see now

this sure would make a Dandy spot for

the kids they look great there's some

folks out there rolling on our Lake oh

it ain't ours yet Jethro it still

belongs to Mr Shaffer you reckon he just

allows anybody to use it looks that way

he sure is a nice fellas

blue how do you like to leak lovely lady

oh I like she's fine we can build us a

cabin right here on the bank and fish

right out of the window speaking of fish

they got kinds here in New York we ain't

never caught Honest John here was

telling me about it what kind is that we

only got something called a filthy fish

the one called locks yeah

hot dog I can't wait to hook into one of

them to build these you're the daughter

here friends peaceful atmosphere lovely

people kind

neighborly

[Applause]

Rascals took that lady's pocketbook

let's get him Jethro no no no no no no

friends that's just the little game they

play here called mugging it's like uh

keep away he wasn't for sure robbing her

in Central Park unheard of

because of you I paid fifty thousand

dollars for the bank of montessel think

positive perhaps you'll get your money

back oh look here's a young lady with

some champagne for us

yes I'll have one of those

thank you

here's you miss out the way

may you live another hundred years well

it's a lovely toast what part of the

sudden change of moon

I'm taking your advice I'm thinking

positive I figured out a way to get my

fifty thousand back wonderful it's

coming out of your salary at ten dollars

a week to pay me back you'll have to

live another hundred years

you are the greatest most avaricious man

I have ever known

I'll bring to that

[Music]

Mr Honest John let's talk business

why would you say would be a fair price

for Central Park you know uh

what would you say you got on here

Morton five thousand dollars

that's the price that don't hardly seem

like enough I could write you a check

check steak time friends dealing cash

look I promised you a sacrifice five

thousand it is

[Music]

oh no there's some vegans in there

two three

four

five

and I still got me some walking around

money well what do you say we get up and

walk around

oh

foreign

[Music]

Miss Liberty is she beautiful

she is for a fact

wouldn't that look magnificent in your

Park sure enough wood

I'm going to let you have it for the

paltry sum of 2009

well that's a fair enough price but it's

sure going to be a job lugging that

Rascal all the way to Central Park the

Lampert Park great for it it should bear

your name yeah well uh like I said

moving that big statue you're going to

take some tall doing

looks awful pretty right there where it

is

I think I sense the humanitarian gesture

in your attitude

you're thinking of leaving it there

where everyone can enjoy it right

yes sir I was thinking just that

beautiful you're a beautiful man tell

you what I want to do

you see the island it stands on yes sir

I'm throwing that in free I say Matt's

generosity with generosity

thank you thank you you know I can't

wait to bring the rest of the family out

to see you

how would you like to bring them out on

your own boat give that one for Steve

the one you're riding on the Staten

Island Ferry

you own this boat picked it up last

month my friend Alexander Stanton I

wanted to let you have it for exactly

what it cost me it's a pleasure to do

business with you honest John Kaiser is

mine

have you ever thought of owning your own

Bridge

I have a bridge that I picked up at an

auction last week from the estate of

Oscar Brooklyn

[Music]

what you all doing building a fire pit

to cook Our Little Gym except we ain't

got no pot to cook in or a cabin to

throw it out well we'll buy some eggs in

a pot and go to Homestead and directly

where's Miss Thomas John you know that

fella is so popular with a police you

can't believe it we had no more and

stepped off the Staten Island Ferry when

two more policemen spotted it I missed

asking questions did they they needed

his help real bad it was just like at

the airport they took him to

headquarters to talk to the head man

sure is good to know somebody so

friendly with the police you can trust

somebody like that

I see you'll change your working clothes

why don't you do the same there's a

Dandy spot over behind them bushes good

idea

[Music]

hey y'all playing mugging again

oh get out of here gee whiz fellas I was

hoping you all had learned me how to be

a Mugger

creep this is our territory now take off

or you get this oh that's more like it

let's play it you come on and get up and

I'll take it away from you

okay clown you're asking for it oh no

that's all right I'll take it fair and

square

come on kid we'll show you how to play

oh

[Music]

oh I give you this hey that's March two

yo I'll play Rob that's the way the game

is played let's go

[Music]

where you been boy you're not playing

mugging with them Two Fellas and I want

everything uh this Dandy iron pipe a

shiny new chain yeah this leather

covered fishing sinker

set of rings

and his Fancy Frog sticker

what a home boy but you had another

plate for Keeps oh that's the way you

play mugger except I didn't mean to bend

their pipe and I took it away from them

you take all this stuff back to him and

tell them you're sorry I ain't gonna do

it are these bad Sports and they call me

some names they didn't like

all right I'll do it

where is he over Yonder by them tall

bushes I'll be right back

well that guy was tough what do you mean

guy somebody shaved a gorilla and taught

it to speak

oh hi fellas uh I'm sorry my nephew took

all your play things away from you I'm a

pretty bench pipe pretty bad

I'll be glad to pay for it

all right Old Timer why don't we step

behind the bushes and talk about it all

right

can we have a pipe back voice oh sure

see I might just be able to fix this for

you

yeah that don't look half bad

they shaved another one what'd you say

it's not

well I'll still be glad to talk to you

about buying your new one you want to

step back in the bush

hey boy you forgot your pipe

[Music]

now remember Shifty you have one hour to

catch a plane out of town that

capitalists think they said I had 24

been shortened one this is a prime

example of police brutality and

persecution my good friend the mayor

will hear this he's the one who

shortened it

well I know my rights happened

I was rushed from one Precinct to

another without being able to talk to my

attorney why couldn't you talk to your

attorney I collect call was refused

you know I have 58 minutes to catch your

plane the city of New York has not

played the last of this like

constitutional rights have been Abridged

I'm taking this to the Supreme Court

I'll make it a test case I'll not rest

until I receive complete satisfaction

one more word and I book you

I'm satisfied arrest on the plane

goodbye my friends at your service

anytime you love those dedicated lives

in uniform New York's finest anything

Mighty hire you too spoken to them well

no but he's all so glad to see you all

year round free of charge that they do

say

ought to you for the way you're always

willing to happen well the police have

need of my vast knowledge of Christ and

you sure give it to him at every

opportunity

well uh come on over granny is cooking

up some groundhog stew and gopher gravy

it sounds atrocious oh it is you love it

unfortunately I've just received word

that I must leave town oh shucks that's

too bad where are you going probably

Chicago the heat's off there

we sure are going to miss you on us John

I shall miss you dear friend oh here you

are

yeah

a groundhog and gopher perfect name

really I wish you could wear a dress I

expect to get a fella when you look like

one yourself

have you should listen to you tell her

she looks like a fella

Mr Clampett I have bent the truth in my

day

that that would be ridiculous

[Music]

a wild goose chase this is going to be

they've got to find four people in a

city of 8 million

now Chief it's not that bad we'll start

with Central Park oh great did you hear

that driver a thousand acres apart ten

thousand people and she thinks four

Hillbillies will be easy to find she's

right

all right I'll take you right to them

and if you're a doctor believe me they

need you well

[Music]

I reckon that wraps up our business

Honest John

how much I owe you for now

let me see

pay for Central Power that's your

Liberty that mile Ferry Brooklyn Bridge

[Music]

that means you still owe me for the

Empire State Building and the Algonquin

Hotel

how come you bought that Algonquin Hotel

really honey I like the notion of a

hotel for engines after the way we

treated them they deserve a nice place

to stay

beautiful thought

well how much is a company how much you

got left

yeah four thousand

well actually the two buildings come to

forty one hundred dollars but

they're yours for an even four thousand

well

nice knowing you people

in our pleasure Honest John

I'm sure the youngins here has learned

something from you what's that a joyous

share and what you own with other folks

how you take this beautiful Park you

didn't build a fence around it like some

selfish fellas might have done you just

let everybody enjoy it that's the truth

kids own bicycles people on Horseback

there are folks out rolling on the lake

and lots of Critters too I wish you

youngins could have seen that voter

here's a Staten Island Ferry

there was hundreds of people riding on

it same way with a statue swarming all

over and having a good time and the way

he helps the police

what he's trying to say Honest John is

that you're just about the nicest fella

we ever met

well

I gotta get going well so long oh wait

here comes granny she'll want to tell

you goodbye

goodbye

as Honest John leaving yeah granny he's

got to go to Chicago oh I'm sorry

it's been so nice knowing you

take care of yourself young fella yeah

yeah I will swell well so long

God bless you son

what folks I got no use for this money I

mean what's a few thousand for somebody

like me I'm loaded I got plenty myself

give it to the Indians at the Algonquin

ah there's my Transportation well

it's all on folks

I see

to the airport boys and no siren please

give me a headache

Lee sure is crazy about him with good

reason he's a Dandy Feller I hope our

paths will cross again

[Music]

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