07x24 - The Guru

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to a story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family head and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folk said jet move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be sold it loaded up the truck

in the mood to be released Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars a Beverly

Hillbillies

thank you

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when you go play with Ellie this here is

serious business

laughs

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don't me if I got to meditate

can't do no yoga exercises

dog gone and a guru ain't got a chance

around here I

that doesn't

grow don't bother me granny I'm trying

to free my soul I'll free your soul both

of them

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granny you'll pay for that you can't hit

a guru

wait a minute

well he was hanging upside down in my

Arbutus I was just doing my yoga

exercises and upside down it was possum

exercises oh could you you do it to get

to be a guru it makes you smart I'll

make you smart I'll hit the right across

your Guru

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a lot of Guru and you'll be sorry I'm

down boy

would you mind explaining to me what a

guru is

Guru is one of them teachers over to

India they know all the secrets of the

Far East they teach you how to meditate

go out of your mind

I think you're getting the hang of that

I mean you go out of one mind into

another mine

it's hard for a game you not have my

education well uh put it to your simple

like

can you think of my head as a watermelon

yeah I think I can manage that there's

two parts to a watermelon you got the

Rhine on the outside and the meat on the

inside well most folks thanks with

nothing but the ride

but you take school lessons and you bust

a rock to the Rhine into the meat

now he's thinking with the inner mind

you got it made you've done conquered

the flesh you can handle cobras you can

sleep on a bed of nails you could even

walk Barefoot through a bed of hot coals

not a call for that is it

he's more

he fills you with kindness and love too

keeps you understand

you're making sense uh so that's what

you have to

oh I'm after the movie actresses the

guru get who the actresses these wild

about gurus Uncle Jeff that goes clean

to India just to see him

I put the secrets of the Far East into

this sixth grade graduate brain of mine

they just walk to me too can't you just

see Elizabeth Taylor and me walking arm

and arm Barefoot on a bed of hot cold

I like that part about love and

understanding better don't worry about

that I'm going to have love and

understanding who's not of me like sap

out of his

you sure you can learn all that just

hanging in the Arbutus

then your guy exercises was just my

homework I think I got a real Guru

coming over to see me coming from India

from Mrs Drysdale I'm trying to borrow

hers he's been over there for a week

giving her lessons but I bet her Ryan's

too thick

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meditate my dear

eyes closed

Soul open

through its portals you have escaped the

body

you are afloat on a sea of serenity

and on the distant Shore you see the

great spirit

born by the cosmic currents we reach out

to him

we Embrace Him Softly

gently we become one with him

yes

oh please

please

you can say that again maybe

beautiful my dear beautiful

and now

and now you are ready

I'm ready yes for the great pilgrimage

you don't need yes my dear

oh mother angel I'm coming

your daughter returns great mother

Melbourne will never let me go oh my

dude how can you say that he's such a

sweet man

Melbourne such so I believe that he too

could become one with a great spirit not

unless the great spirit is willing to

pay 30 interest

call him call him

why your meditations have filled this

house with love it's Cosmic imnation can

soften any heart he doesn't have a heart

don't forget little pilgrims you stand

now possessed of new power

project that power go forth to his

psyche love Melvin love love love love

Milton

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did you get that

yes G can you imagine that orphanage

superintendent trying to get a one day

extension on that mortgage

Melbourne Drysdale

oh it's you Margaret now look I'm busy I

know dear but this is very important I'm

here with my Guru yahuru oh Google oh hi

that's only what about it

well darling uh he thinks I ought to go

on a retreat no

well idea it's all the way to India just

a minute where's India in the desert

near Palm Springs about a five dollar

bus ride

I told the guru that you probably

wouldn't let me go

I know it's expensive of course it's

expensive deer but I I'm not gonna let

me stand in the way of your spiritual

growth

yeah I'll have Miss Hathaway make

arrangements for your transport

something Margaret goodbye dear

the buses have stewards class

no they don't second class it's only a

short trip yeah you're right she can

stand see if they'll give you a discount

for that where would you just let her

ride with the luggage oh no they may

charge by the pound

all right get her a regular they're

gonna be worth five bucks to get her out

of the house you are a loving devoted

husband you're Savage wait a minute no

there must be a lot of guys who would

pay big money to get rid of their wives

for a while well I might turn this into

a profitable sideline draw perform

letter happiness

is an out-of-town wife well the nominal

sum of 100 I will have my personal Guru

send your wife to India that is the

lowest no you're right you're right make

it 200.

[Music]

oh

bet you may want to show you something

go ahead Jesse meditate Free Yourself

I've seen worse I can do it too watch

this oh Ellie uh I don't believe I'd

stand on my head if I was you well

Jethro's been doing it he claims it

reveals new powers of the brain well in

your case it might reveal a little too

much well come on we can go in the front

Jordan practice no no uh don't do that

well I download Jethro to get too much

smarter than me I wouldn't worry

well if you ask me if you're going to

give him a flat head and droopy ears

anybody that hankers to walk on hot

colds and lay on a bed of nails ain't

too burdened with the smarts

oh get well where are you sounds like

granny's getting tired looking for the

boy well she ain't gonna find him

anymore chores for him and ain't none he

can do standing on his head yes

do it all I have arranged a special

Charter flight to carry my little

pilgrims

all the many of us making the pilgrimage

to Mother India oh yes yes my dear it is

a huge plane I call it the great mother

flight how much will it be

because of your spiritual sensitivity

I'm making you a special reduced rate

only uh two thousand dollars oh that's

very reasonable of course that doesn't

include any extras extras or things like

food water place to sleep how much will

they come to oh you're 750 dollars

dear it is beginning to mount up oh but

but that includes such bonus extras as

your own personal meditation mat a float

trip down the Ganges the Moonlight tour

of the Taj Mahal

oh that sounds very exciting

and for another fifty dollars you can

touch an Untouchable

I don't think I'd want to touch an

Untouchable oh well in that case it'll

be a hundred okay it might start a riot

they're very touching The Untouchables

yes very well

comes to

twenty eight hundred dollars

well once you make it three thousand

I'll throw in a mongoose I don't want a

mongoose oh that's good you're not

afraid of cobras I'll take the Mongoose

a large one

three thousand dollars

after all Milburn did say that he

wouldn't let new money stand in the way

of my spiritual growth

you don't think nobody had been drinking

do you my dear no my little Pilgrim it

was your love

Your Love Embraces all living things

all living things hey Mr Drysdale it's

me Jethro

not all living things

well he's really all dressed up for Guru

and ancient

me like that I don't make me a better

nails too

[Music]

who was that Charlie shlout the

caretaker's boy no that's one of a herd

of hillbillies who live in the Mansion

next door

Mansion they think they can intrude

anywhere simply because they have 80

million dollars in my husband's Bank 80.

peasants million rattles dollars

how as long as you don't want me to do

yoga exercises can I go swimming what if

you ask me that sure beats hot colds and

Nails oh well did you find Jethro yes

sir he's up in his room oh good good

[Music]

well howdy uh mister can I help you

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I was guided here by the great spiritual

mother oh we'll have your mama to come

in she exists only in the Mystic sense

I am the guru Maha mamura oh you must be

missed right now gurus yes you spoke

about Jethro that name strikes a spark

in my psyche is Granny fired up too I

sense the presence of a kindred spirit

I see a tall sensitive youth with a

great capacity for love and a great

appetite for Celestial Harmony

can you come downstairs come in love an

uncle

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I've done conquered the flesh I

examinate

ah there is a soul that can soar

yeah

all right boy

it's Mrs drysdale's Guru hey

sorry I fell

only the body fell my son you saw I bet

he is you sure you're all right Chuck's

loving Uncle us gurus don't feel no pain

Sarah Hall and Granny's best cheating

you'll feel pain how about you and me

going into parlor Yonder meditating

man-to-man Blended my son oh

go ahead boy I'll do it you ain't

dressed for splinters

11 uncle

right in here Mr Guru commence meditate

meditate

just start without me my son

greetings my daughter

it's your daughter how fortunate I was

speaking in the spiritual sense oh you

must be nice

I am Guru to the world my child Are You

Gonna Learn Jethro to matter type escape

the flesh I am could you learn me

oh you don't want to escape flesh like

that

how would you like to make a pilgrimage

to Mother India with a great Guru well

gee I don't know

why would we do this oh well we'd we'd

meditate a lot to float down the Ganges

while I pluck my sitar and sang the

Indian Love lyrics

hey Mr Guru come on

later my son I'm having a spiritual

conference with this lovely creature boy

when you see what I got waiting for you

in a part or you won't want to waste

your time with her really heck yeah come

with me

perhaps another time my dear

you under she is a better nail

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go ahead lay down

[Music]

where's Jethro okay I'm gonna cut some

more wood quick as I put a hedge on his

ax that's Jethro's voice now where is he

he's in a pile of meditating with Miss

drysdale's Guru he said gives him Peace

of Mind well he needs every piece he can

get where are you going I'm going in

there and throw that Guru out the front

door oh you ain't yeah

that your guy business is a lot of

hogwash we don't know that it is Granny

and we had no default something we don't

understand what's there to understand

well according to Jethro they got

knowledge in the Far East that we ain't

got nonsense they don't know nothing in

St Louis that we don't know

Danny come back here sit down and cool

off for all we know Jethro might be in

there lapping up learning like a hog in

his will bucket

foreign

disciples

pilgrim

dum dum

I must have been in a trance one of the

deepest I've ever seen how about it my

Guru now

almost there's just one little

technicality before my Institute to give

you a guru license

you mustn't practice without one and the

authorities picked them up all the time

in India bootleg gurus Lions true enough

sure horrible way to go

very very painful

gurus don't feel no pain without a

license they do

oh well how much a mere fifty thousand

dollars fifty thousand dollars look now

of course now that's for a worldwide

license

spend much time in Madagascar or out of

Mongolia

hardly none in that case we'll give you

a domestic license good in the United

States Canada and Mexico I'll take one

how much

25 000. 25

000. tell you what I'm going to do son I

like to cut of your soul how much can

you pay

50 cents

50 cents that's the whole week's

allowance what about the 80 million well

that belongs to Michael Jett he said I

don't get my share until I reach the

Edge of Reason I pay

but that's just a guru incantation I

might be able to get in advance from

Uncle Jed uh and I hardly think you'll

go for 25 000. well then we'll cut out

Canada and Mexico that'll bring it down

to 15 000.

uh

do you travel a great deal in Maine

Wyoming and South Dakota no sir good

that makes it possible for me to issue

you what we call a limited domestic

license

how much 5 000. I'll ask

that kind of a license will I be able to

walk on hot coals and lay on nails warm

ashes and carpet taxes

[Music]

it's me granny Jethro hey Uncle Jed can

I have advance of five thousand dollars

on madari you're Dowry you know what I

get when I reach the Age of Reason you

mess up any more of my sheets and you

ain't gonna reach it

for tomorrow Rishi for what you call a

limited domestic Guru in license

if I go to Guru and without it the

hyenas will get you okay

please let me have it Uncle Jeff for

only five thousand dollars the guru will

learn me the secrets of the Far East

well I'll tell you what you do boy

you go stand on your head a while and

I'll think it over

just telling the truth

the truth Menace with them I'll get the

truth out of them a granny he's a guest

in our house and you ain't going to

stomp him there's another way I'll give

him a shot of my Tennessee truth tonic

you talking about your corn squeezes and

oils the tongue loosens the jaw and lays

bare the secrets of the soul but if you

don't drink

I know how to prime the pump

[Music]

nice day in it oh yes yes it is shall we

drink to that oh we gurus are abstainers

[Music]

won't hurt you

see

hello that's good

well we gurusa should keep open minds a

little open mind sinuses pores

[Music]

let's see now

dear Herman

you were cordially invited to become a

charter member of the Melbourne s

Drysdale peace Foundation

by sending your wife to Indio our Guru

will assure you two weeks of Peace for

only one thousand dollars I thought it

was going to be 200. I know his wife

Melvin Drysdale this is your wife's Guru

oh in just a minute the great mother has

a message for you Mr Drysdale on the

phone

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oh you are the queen of gurus

ain't just Whistling Dixie brother

hello

make it snappy Margaret oh granny oh

well what can I do for you

oh you're going to India with the guru

now granny I think you mean India

India

put your money in the bank of Bangalore

oh listen granny

dirty double crossing

if there's one thing I can't stand it's

greed oh operator give me the police I

want to report a fake Guru

baby

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come in

peace brother it's wonderful good you're

gonna get about 30 days up

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you're dead oh that's great thank you

sergeant

that guru's on the way to jail oh granny

will never forget me for this

[Music]

[Music]

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heaping helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Setter spells take

your shoes off y'all come back now here

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