07x08 - The Great Cook-Off

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to the story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubble and cruise all that

is black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folks said Jed move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be so deluded up the truck in

the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

foreign

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[Applause]

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that's the shoes crazy about Maria's

leftover spaghetti yeah so I see you is

Maria still at the stove yes sir open up

some more of them delicious Italian

Villa and his uh Granny's still up in

her room yes sir sucking in Patton

because there's another woman in her

kitchen I was afraid of that well

guess I gotta do what I gotta do

la la

Santa Lucia

uh same to you I'm sure uh Miss Maria

ma'am well first off I want to say that

uh we're real pleased with your Biddle

with us

uh you

cook good gracious

yes ma'am so uh what I'm about to say

you got nothing to do with that you see

uh it's Granny he did this is her

kitchen

uh

you're cooking for us while granny was

away was a real Lifesaver but now she's

back her nose is plum out of joint

nose yeah they're doing

he's soaking because you're in her

kitchen

yes ma'am well anyway uh what I want to

say is uh

um I'm awful sorry but I'm gonna have to

let you go

well I'll see too did you get a check

for a month's salary

geez salary you like huh yes ma'am

Miss Maria ma'am I'm just gonna have to

come out and see this blunt

you're fired fire

she

hot cook good salary

I'm afraid what we got here is a failure

to communicate

my nephew talked to you he claims to

speak Italian

Jethro

how'd you do Paul outside of getting

some celery to cooking I've done real

poor I'm gonna have Jethro to tell her

to leave and I tell you well Jethro

won't tell her to leave he says he's

going to marry her are any serious about

that he sure is well he told Maria he

was Italian himself so he was from a

place called Rome and he had prove it to

her

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hell Miss James

I believe that's Ave Jessica what is

this all about

foolishly inquired you see I'm Head Over

Heels desperate mad in love with our new

Italian cook senior Maria that's why I

got this here Roman outfit see over in

Italy Rome is the big town and this here

is what the big shots in the Big Town

wears dress bro you have the most

erroneous anachronistic sense of History

I have ever encountered thank you go on

sure we're senior Maria thought as high

of me as you do this uniform should make

quite an impression yeah his shoe really

going for me in this it's what the

emperor itself wears Caesar

not yet but figured whole hands were

there tonight

would you please come in and bring your

book hey Mr Drysdale hail Jethro tail

what's going on what's this ghetto for

so I can make a hit with that beautiful

Italian cook she'll see him as the

noblest Roman of them all Caesar not yet

but he plans to hold hands with her

tonight

when will I learn to stay in my own

office and keep the door closed by the

way Jethro how is Granny taking this

having another cook in her kitchen I

don't know she ain't come out of her

room since she got home

ready

you in there

what's in the Sam Hill

what do you think you're doing do I hear

a voice is that the angel Gabriel

calling me granny get up from there I'm

ready Gabriel

I've lived out my usefulness here on

this Earth

my family don't need me no more this is

just a lot of nonsense I left home on an

errand of Mercy

and when I come back the door was locked

again me my son-in-law Jed had brought

home a wild young winch to take my plate

Penny that's Gabriel I'm good now you

can get up from there take off that

dress no no oh you ain't gonna give this

to your girlfriend

it's my funeral dress and it was my

mama's funeral dress her mommy she fell

in the swamp and never got to you

but you ain't going to use it either now

changing to something else and come on

down to the kitchen an old Jed no don't

force me to watch the scandalous goings

on betrays you and that woman

you ain't gonna watch no goings on thank

you at least I won't have to carry that

disgraceful picture to my grave

I'm ready Gabriel

kid

do the decent thing send Ellie Mae and

Jethro out of the house don't dematch

the Young

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hey Jennifer what you got there this

here's my Italian outfit I'm gonna wear

it tonight when I step out with senior

Maria Hey listen Jethro oh could you

cheer granny up me and Pauline had no

luck at all heck yeah I'm so full of the

joy of love I could cheer up a statue

that's better

white powder covers the Rosy Glow of

Youth

granny can I come in

oh

hi granny taking a nap huh you fell

asleep with a flower in your hand I put

it in water for you

it's just like me old and wilted and

ready to die

yeah reckon you're right

you got flour all over your face

your face

[Applause]

that's better you're looking like a

corpse I am a corpse the flame of life

is burned low

it'll go out any minute now

oh you reckon that'll be before lunch

I don't want to tell Marie how many

places to set

a heart

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hey will you film a plate again well you

sure the greatest cook in the whole

world how soon we get married

oh is that all gone give me the rest of

that there and uh because I'm done

eating let's elope

well I got to say it in Italian

um you me I get a hitch

ES

sure hope that means yes

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still waiting to have that talk right

after lunch Uncle Jim

that's your fifth lunch how many are you

gonna eat probably not more than six

she's getting to the bottom of the Box

same to you I'm sure

thank you

how's our chance to talk Jethro ain't no

kitchen in the world big enough to hold

two Cooks one of them's gotta go you

understand that's her I don't like to

hurt nobody's feelings and Granny has

been with us a lot of years right right

she's old now and she feels she's

outlived her usefulness

I know

call myself

so when it comes to choosing between

granny and Maria there's only one choice

we can make

oh Granny says she don't want to live no

more just please end her suffering since

you just caught her off in a wheel bear

and dump her in a hole oh boy I guess

that tells better than I can how

desperate things is you know what you

got to do no sir I'll get right at it

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what do you do cutting her out to the

hole where's the wheelbarrow down okay

you take her the rest of the way I dug a

hole under the big elm tree

dude I'm gonna skin that boy don't get

mad at me granny was Uncle Jed told me

to do it

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it's cool boy what we got here is

another failure to communicate

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and uh now a memo to all employees

subject Christmas ballers

it makes me very happy to announce that

this year's Christmas bonus will be the

same as last year's there was no

Christmas bonus last year and it'll be

the same this year which makes me very

happy

Mr Drysdale but ain't your president of

this year bank that's right jethron and

hey I heard you say that's just like

being captain of the ship exactly good

then I'm gonna go fetch Marie over and

you can marry us what did he say sounded

like something oh Miss Jane would you

please be my best man or bridesmaid or

whatever it is and give me away I just

realized I'd ask Uncle Jed said he's

still up in the tree

is up in a tree if somebody was chasing

you with a shotgun you'd climb a tree

too somebody's optimistic climber with a

shotgun oh don't worry everything will

quiet down after granny's funeral

phone ain't gonna be nothing fancy she

just wants to get throwed in a hole in

the backyard I already got a duck

oh go rescue my bride as quick as granny

blasts Uncle Jed down out of the tree

she's going gunning for Maria what

because Maria Dunn took over the kitchen

the whole house is an uproar if I don't

get her out there's going to be Rockstar

bouncing off every wall

oh wish me a happy wedding

my name is Hathaway you certainly open

Pandora's box when you hired that

Italian cook Jeffco hired her no don't

try to weasel out of it you'll get over

that employment agency and pick up her

papers I want her deported to Italy

immediately oh she and while you're at

the agency you fill out an application

I'm fired certainly not after the agency

you go to the Clampetts straighten

everything out make everyone happy

and then you're fired

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all clear

I sure do appreciate you stopping under

that tree Miss Jane

excuse me if I take cover granny might

have me in her sights in that rock salt

smarts considerable

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foreign

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good now fetch Maria because Miss Jane

thinks she can make peace betwixton oh

yes sir Paul Ria's in the kitchen with

Jethro

this here's the suit Michael Jed got

married now it's going to be my Bridal

outfit it's truck parked off back he's

gonna hop on that Rascal stop at the

bank get married and then hot tail it

for now

you can cook that later

excuse me uh Miss giant wants to talk to

Maria I'll tell her and I'll tell you

hey baby are you a talker Miss Jane a

chopper chop

we'll eat later bye in a bottle

sure would be nice for Granny if she let

Miss Maria help her oh a nice Maria too

unless he's employed she'll have to go

back to Italy Junior yes they told me

the agency that her family's in rather

dire need these postcards and letters

are from her parents in Venice oh see

she gets them I hope it ain't bad news

oh here she comes good luck

Maria um

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sure hope Miss Maria gets to stay well

there's one thing certain we can't let

her go home to Venice not right now hi

how come look at that he's having one of

the worst floods I've ever seen

where's Paul Waters blown up to the wind

can't even see the front porches

and rain must have been a real Gully

work I hope she don't have to go home

or a girl could drown just crossing the

street

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granny has agreed to see you oh uh uh uh

granny of uh

divadella then now now you must be

pleasant and agreeable uh uh see ya uh

uh uh

that is the key word see uh in English

uh yes yes yes

to everything huh

granny I should like to present senorina

Maria

sit down

not you I want to see her alone

in all fairness I'll be fair now you

just wait outside

show

you're the little hussy that would like

to take over my kitchen and get rid of

me yes

yes crazy little package

yes and I'll bet that you've got eyes

for my rich son-in-law Jed yes yes

this is gonna be a real interesting talk

what are you doing in my Sunday go to

meeting dunge fixing to get married

Maria

uh figure The wedding will take place

about to 2 30. y'all are invited except

you got to get into some decent clothes

and you ain't about to marry Maria and

I'll get upstairs and get out of my good

suit you mean you ain't gonna let me

wear your Bridal outfit all right now go

do as I tell you but gee whiz Uncle hop

to it and the next time you want to

borrow something from me you ask me

first but God

we overdue having a long talk with that

boy Ryan keep putting it off Paul I

reckon it's because the short ones are

so distressing

Christine have you seen Maria she's in

there with Granny

she's asking for my hand in marriage

machine would you do me a big favor

certainly would you go into my room and

pick out my best looking tire for me oh

well please

oh well very well

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so now it comes out Jeff Clampett has

asked you to marry up with him yes

foreign

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style I'm taking you to the Coliseum and

Gladiator

what in the world are you lucky for you

they got a Coliseum right here in Los

Angeles otherwise I'd have to tie you on

behind my Chariot and drive you Plumb

the room

I didn't figure out what he's talking

about no sir pal well that's comforting

at least there's two of us

you'll find out what I'm talking about

when I close that net over you and drags

you down then I stands over here and

puts my foot on your chest and holds my

pitch Pockets already and I looks up at

the Royal box and there sits Governor

Reagan or mayor Jordan and if they gives

you this where then I spares you but if

they gives you that then I got

sticker where do you think you're going

I'm going to get us some gladiating

outfits and quick as the Lions is done

eating the hippies you and me is going

at it thank you

we finally had a long talk except the

wrong one was listening is jezron here

uh no ma'am he just left he forgot his

toy it ain't orally forgot

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hi Alex how do I look

oh you look like a big dumb nut oh yeah

you won't think so when you come to the

Coliseum and I go to gladiate and Uncle

you had up one wallet down the other

that's what you think Paul's gonna whoop

you good

you reckon he could yeah

Miss Nelly come around the back let me

practice nothing and gigging you huh

okay

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outside ready

what are you fixing to do I told this

little gold digging Vamp that I'd give

her a 50-foot running start down the

driveway then I'm gonna come in Sultan

her flight you ain't gonna do no such a

thing Jen come to your senses before

this Jezebel makes even a bigger fool

out of you well he ain't no Jezebel

she's a fine sweet hard-working now it's

too late to protect her she's done

confessed so what you name it she's

confessed to it

any of the girl don't know that much

English she don't huh why

yes

you want to hear some real juicy stuff

you don't even know what you said she's

from Italy a place called Venice well

let her go back to Venice

granny she can't go back the whole town

is flooded did she give you that story

she don't even know it yet these just

come from her folks back in Italy

I was a kid this is worse than the bug

tussle flood in 37. I see it sounds so

hard hit by rain must have been a real

trash mover James says her hooks his

heart up like we can't even afford a

boot oh really hurry it'd be a big help

to you on the kitchen

I don't need no help true but standing

over that hot stove all day is aged you

beyond your years

good news Miss Gene granny has agreed to

let Maria have her in the kitchen for a

spare well it's for her own sake if

she's gonna make a living cooking she's

got to learn American dishes like grits

and halfback and possum and collard

greens well your everyday average

American meal you will taste with her

Italian cooking granny only cold last

night

I think he was looking mighty well fed

for a corpse

admit it last night I snuck down snooped

wasn't it'll read and drags you down and

then I put some foot on you and looks up

to the Royal box to see if he gets this

or this ready ready

foreign

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let's try it again this time you take

the net and I'll take the sword

and that smells good what you cooking

Maria uh

you asked her Miss Jean uh uh okay okay

Yola

Union

polymer Village is almost ready we're

Jethro oh he's she under

could we please call off our Gladiator

I'm with me boy come on in there some

fat back cacciatore

foreign

foreign

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they would like to thank you folks for

kindly dropping in you're all invited

back next week to this locality to have

a heap and helping of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is set a spell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here

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