07x06 - Granny Goes to Hooterville

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to my story about a man

named Jed to pour him up near barely

kept his family and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground

oil that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the chemical said can't move

away from there said California is a

place you ought to be sold it loaded up

the truck and remove the Beverly Hills

that is swimming pools movie stars a

Beverly Hillbillies

foreign

[Music]

flight number 121 from London now

arriving

[Music]

[Music]

it's gonna be awful hard to get used to

this smog again well look on the bright

side granny these here we can see what

he's breathing

[Music]

surprise sale I saw anything Jethro will

get here with the truck oh not long

Ellie it's on a cargo plane that was due

to land right after us oh good I wanted

to drive me around a neighborhood to

collect up all my critters

oh wait a minute Mr clapping don't you

try to carry all those bags oh that's

all right Dean heavy nonsense get my

hand miss out of the way

be it ever so humble there's no place

like home

I'd have helped you Mr Clampett but I I

have this thing with my back yes he

doesn't like to use it look at Alabama

come while we was gone

most of us for that fellow occupant I

wish Mr Ackerman would show up someday

yeah we got a whole closet full of mail

for him

a letter from cousin Pearl well we'll be

running along as the cloud but I'm very

anxious to get back to my loved ones

yeah I reckon you must have missed your

family family he's referring to his

loved ones in the vault at the bank

I'll take your suitcases upstairs

I gotta leave right away for Petticoat

Junction you can reach me at the Shady

Rest Hotel in Hooterville and he caught

him and tell him the doctor's on the way

hold on granny oh oh yeah I forgot my

medical supplies well who needs a doctor

what happened cousin Pearl she sprained

her back dancing with Walter mckeegan at

the Harvest Home Festival and Waltz

contest she won't be able to take care

of the baby

what baby who had a baby wasn't cousin

Pearl was it well I should hope not her

a winner for 10 years well then whose

baby is it Betty Joe Elliott who's Betty

Joe Elliott Kate Bradley's daughter

well who's Keith Ramsey she runs the

Shady Rest Hotel she's Joe Carson's

niece

what's all it's got to do with cousin

Pearl what do you mean

she's spraying her back dancing with

Walter McKeon oh it's Sergio right he's

the worst dancer in four accounts

foreign

ever been with Jethro out of the house

see what am I going to need if I had

a

possum fat to grease him with

lye soap to wash off the possum fat

cornstarch to ease the stain of the lye

soap

Ellie did you get my call to who the

real well I didn't know who to call Kate

Bradley who's she oh you teller jet I'm

too busy but I ain't too clear about it

myself oh did you remember Kate Bradley

where that or I don't

that's my medical bag and start filling

and then try and get my call to

Hooterville yes okay

nah where was I well he's about to tell

me about Kate Bradley oh yeah now Jen

you'll remember the Beasley family that

lived up back of Buzzard Ridge they had

the two red-headed girls it was always

together

sort of oh yeah them two girls was never

seen one without the other

they went to school together they played

together they was even Boy Scouts

together Boy Scouts started scouting for

boys at the age of nine

foreign

at the age of 12 or 13 them two girls

fell in love with the same fella a

shoehorned Salesman from Eureka Springs

now Emma she was the oldest

she was in me as a rail

headboards long nose

waggly teeth

but she vowed that she was gonna give

him

well burned if he didn't run off with

her sister

the only one

Emma green for years

finally took an overdose of snuff and

sneezed herself to death

ugly way to go check

what's all this got to do with Kate

Bradley

who

Kate Bradley she runs a Shady Rest so

tell her daughter had a baby and you're

gonna take care of it oh yeah is it a

boy or a girl

I don't know you got the letter

I got the truck on video hey Grammy how

soon do we eat never mind that you gotta

drive me to the Shady Rest Hotel I'm

gonna take care of a baby who had a baby

Betty Joe Elliott who's Betty Joe

Elliott hey Bradley's daughter

leave it right there boy

it talk to the wrong distance operator

she's putting a call through the

Hooterville please be Hey listen granny

I just found out that it's eight hours

later in England than it is here so I'm

eight hours behind in my evening oh

don't bother me I got a little emergency

long distance call but granny I'm

starving I'm desperate I can't wait let

Ellie cook you something how can we

this is the doctor speaking

good good

[Music]

score

what's that Sarah

hey dude somebody called all the way

from Beverly Hills probably Conrad

Hilton wanted to buy the Shady Rest

hello

no ma'am this ain't the Shady Rest they

ain't got a phone well how do I get in

touch with Kate Bradley well well Kate's

out of town but Uncle Joe's here

is Joseph Carson president and general

manager of the Shady Rest Hotel chain

limited and Incorporated this you Connie

no this is Daisy Dr Daisy Moses how's

Betty Joe's baby well I don't know it's

still in the hospital oh

the poor little thing must be awful

they've taken her to the hospital

give up hope the world's greatest baby

specialist is on the way

hey that's a powerful claim world's

greatest baby specialist well didn't I

take care of Jethro here when he was a

baby and look how he turned out

well you can't win them all

an empty stomach

but granny I'm starving this is that

matter of medical emergency a case of

life or death so is this if I don't eat

I'll die you can eat when you get the

Hooter meal oh where's Hooterville how

do we get there

you know how to get there Jen I never

heard of the place for today maybe you

best call back and get the directions

yeah

don't you snarl at me that was my

stomach growling

now you want to dial the phone dial it

and put mustard on it and I'll eat it

[Music]

well goodbye Jed take care of things

here I'll call you from Waterville oh

wait a minute granny you don't even know

how to get there oh that's right well

I'm so upset that poor little baby

hello get me Hooterville again

[Music]

record store

oh hi Sharon

Beverly Hills again

hello tell me quick how do I get to

Hooterville Well ma'am that all depends

well how did you get there I was born

here too late for that is there another

way

where like I say it all depends are you

driving chance row is

hang on I'll fetch him

what's going on it's that woman baby

doctor from Beverly Hills somebody's

playing a joke on us it's probably that

Bunch over at the barbershop you think

so of course Beverly Hills that little

woman's acidified as new Kylie's Pig

Sarah said that she's in on it too here

let me have it

you always were a sucker for a practical

joke

and get the directions to Hooterville

howdy can I get something to eat there

[Music]

you ought to hear this Yahoo I think it

is nude Kylie's Pig

as for right not easy

this year's Jethro I'm fixing to ride

down them Direction yeah son you say

you're driving

good now listen carefully first sh**t

yeah

yeah

okay yeah

I got it we'll be there I sure do thank

you bye

did you get it yeah couldn't I have a

little something to snack on the way

like a ham or a turkey or a side of beef

forget your stomach what's the

directions

well first we got to go to the Painted

Desert and he says we got to watch out

because it's just been fresh painted

then we come to Lake Mead and we drive

across it but he says don't use the

bridge because it's dangerous now we

come to the Grand Canyon and we got to

be extra careful driving across that

Rascal because he says that first dip is

a Lulu

you can't drive across the Grand Canyon

Okay and let's see

[Music]

hey excuse me Chief

would it be possible for me to have a

few days off You See Me Miss Hathaway

you don't have to ask me a question like

that now then how long have you been

with me 11 years then you know the

answer it's enough

very well I'll tell Mr Clapton Mr

Clampett what's he got to do with it

well he's the one who asked me if I

could get a few days off see Granny's

going away and they needed someone to

help out why didn't you say it was for

Mr Clapp I took the liberty of checking

available personnel and I found your

most efficient secretary attractive

definitely that blonde with a great

build yes I'd say he's built beautifully

he and his typing in shorthand I get it

where is Granny leaving where's she

going well as I understand it she's

going to a town called Hooterville to

take care of Betty Joe Elliott's baby

who's Betty Joe Elliott who's Kate

Bradley's daughter who is Kate Bradley I

made the mistake of asking granny that

same question what you care to hear The

Saga of the Beasley family who lived

behind Buzzard Bridge not unless there's

money in it then I'll be on my way you

may reach me at the Clampetts

Ellie honey what you doing following

some grits oh really you don't have to

do no cooking with jeans coming over oh

these glitches for my feather Critters

see oh Rock grid yes sir they need them

for their gizzards what you boiling for

to get to tour out quick as it boils to

the top I'll skim It Off

I believe to protect them Critters I'd

get them out of the kitchen

oh that's right granny still ain't left

well ain't granny they got the fear it's

Jethro he still ain't happy you think

y'all get them out speaking of Jethro

Granny's looking high and low for him

I'll go check the root cellar

[Music]

hey Ellie hey what's that on the stove

what's for my credit

Critters how do you like that everybody

except me

you sure do smell good

nice black gravy she must have put in

some molasses you know the heck with

them Critters I says human beings comes

first

[Music]

I think these grits needs to cook a lot

longer

scarecrow oh there ain't gonna be time

go stuck on your face when I need you to

go out and get me some medical supplies

before we leave for Waterville

you hear me

I need some rich weed and some sweet gum

by our close foot leaves and a good big

mud dauber's nest because I might have

to pull this little fella

are you listening

well grits and black strap molasses but

to tell you the truth granny you cook

better in your day I didn't cook no Ritz

and black strap oh I see you found Jetro

reckon you two be leaving soon yeah now

that he's done stuffing himself a grits

grits

boy you didn't eat them grits it was a

boiler on the stove oh just one helping

but you know something it sure sits

heavy in a fellow's stomach now never

mind come on now let's get going I got

some doctor to do in Hooterville I think

you got some Doctrine to do right here

oh me

If I Didn't Know Better I swear I

swallowed a bunch of rocks you did

nothing about it never mind that let's

get this young and up to bed

always nice having to fill in for granny

well my pleasure Ellie I'm particularly

anxious to prepare some of the

gastronomical Delights indigenously or

native Hills well I sure hope you have

some time to do some cooking too

I'm preparing uh collard greens and ham

hocks fat back and black eyed peas oh

don't forget Grace that's Jethro's

favorite excellent

I'm stealing my rocks oh dear boy I'm

going to fix you a huge pot of grits

Gene you could have gone all day without

saying that you got sick stuff on

yourself on the Grits Ellie was boiling

just throw your big dumb nut I was

boiling rocks yeah well I'm still the

best things you ever cooked

granted you think you can help him Miss

Jane these is the tender Healing Hands

of physician and surgeon I'll cure

Jethro if I have to find a big rooster

and perform a gizzard transplant where

you going boy I gotta get away from them

tender Healing Hands

[Music]

how's Jethro is he gonna be all right of

course she is that boy has got a stomach

that would make a goat green with him

it's called Hooter villain tell him I'd

be late yes ma'am what'd they say

Oh it sounded like they said get lost

must have said don't get lost I reckon

so well you run upstairs and keep an eye

on Jessica take his temperature every

half hour yes ma'am oh where's your

power Miss Jane oh there's out in the

kitchen up Randy keeps his spices and

such on the top shelf Yonder you want me

to reach him down for you no no I must

learn to be self-sufficient

foreign

what's the matter it's my sacroiliac it

goes out on me occasionally well I run

fetch granny no please she might want to

perform a spine transplant how can I

help you

Just Let Me ease my weight back while

you support me

ah

you sure you don't want me to fetch

granny please promise you won't breathe

the word of this to her all right this

will ease up I hope I'm not too heavy oh

shucks no Miss Gene I can hold you like

this all day

what's going on here

nothing nothing granny we're just

talking yeah we're just standing here

trying to decide what to have for supper

how's

um how's Jethro

it's all right well then I I guess

you'll be starting for Hooterville yeah

yeah

I'm leaving right away

yeah see you when you get back yeah

well bye bye bye

she doing yeah I hope she didn't suspect

anything oh no she got loud on her mind

you know Miss Gene why don't I pick you

up and carry you into the Parlor there's

a Dandy soap in there or the fan too

heavy I don't know

oh you're so strong

only young girl in my arms it makes me

feel young myself

why that old goat and grabbing this

chain of all people now I got two

patients one with rocks in my stomach

and the other one was rocks in his hand

oh thank you for coming Mr Drysdale I

just gotta share my terrible burden with

someone what is it Jed has took leave of

his senses oh Granny if I have ever

known a steady stable rational human

being it's Jed clapping whatever made

you think such a thing he has fell head

over heels in love with your secretary

Miss James the man of Stark raving man

granny

[Music]

I took Jethro's temperature and he ain't

got no favor at all wish I could say the

same for your paw

how's that oh fine a little while and

I'll be able to stand good

let's just go back up and take another

look at the gizzard boy

and here I was IX is a sharpened my

domestic skills and the first thing I do

is sprain my back don't worry about it

but I do like all career girls I still

hope someday Mr Right will come along

he will miss Gene don't you worry find

wife I'll make you make a day anyway oh

ready for the big step ready

[Music]

[Music]

with all my worldly goods are the in

doubt

oh no for 11 years I've treated that

girl like a dog now she's going to

control that 80 million how are you

feeling Miss Jane just marvelous ready

to start running the house no wait

please Miss Hathaway come back to the to

come back to the bank I need you or Mr

drazy but Chief don't call me Chief

we're Pals buddies equals in every way

oh I'm gonna give you a big raise you

can have my office and your own private

secretary I don't know what to say oh

say yes say yes I need you

best go with him Miss Jay and this man

is desperate

[Music]

try this business Hathaway I think you

like

is it satisfactory oh yes I'm so pleased

I've heard of coffee breaks before but a

champagne break it's no more than you

deserve oh try the caviar this is a 50

an ounce caviar you kept locked in the

vault let's not think of money enjoy I

have these fabulous Jewels didn't they

belong to your wife not any longer oh

that must be your private secretary oh

come in

ready to take dictation Miss Hathaway

I'll get it I'll get it you two young

people just eat drink and be merry

Christmas office aren't you Mr dry Dale

well I thought you'd be pleased to know

that Jethro is fine again and he's all

fixing to drive granny to the station to

see her off for a petticoat junction

by the way we sure got to talk about

what you and Granny's always going on

what do you mean well granny told me

that you and her got the idea Miss Jay

and me was going to get hints and some

rain

jumps no she's a fine young woman but

Dean doesn't twitch Dead come on Jen

we'll miss the train to Hooterville talk

to you later bye

Mr driest

and Cedar to get every one of those fish

eggs

to you and cork that champagne take it

back to the liquor store and get my

money back well I don't understand

all right Hutch

[Music]

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heaping helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Sarah's Bell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here