07x01 - A Bundle for Britain

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to a story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up through the

ground

or that is Black Gold Texas Tea

well the first thing you know old Jim's

a millionaire the folks said can't move

away from there said California is a

place you want to be so deluded up the

trucks

that it is swimming pools movie stars a

Beverly hillbilly

foreign

[Music]

lost the bar right in the corner where

you are

wait don't yell like that you'll scare

Daisy and don't call her Daisy I don't

want no buzzer named after me maybe she

likes you ain't you noticed how she

keeps watching you at my age it ain't no

treat to have a buzzard watching you

yeah take these to the kitchen and come

inside oh yes come on Daisy not her I

don't allow no scavengers in my kitchen

well what about that's different Jethro

is family

me Mr dry ideal Miss Gene is here to see

you

when you tell your daughter to get rid

of that big ugly bird it makes me

nervous we'll talk about that later Mr

dry as you'll say this is really

important and can't wait

fight through quite true oh please sit

down everybody I have an announcement of

historical importance to me

[Music]

private members of your esteemed family

at the opening of business this morning

precisely 10 o'clock Pacific Daylight

Savings Time

your balance in my bank reached the

unprecedented figure of

80 million dollars

granny I'm hungry

I just fixing to make an important

announcement

you have 80 million dollars

oh

in keeping with my policy of generosity

I have a free gift for you

don't have to no no no no it's a

tradition with my bank every depositor

whose balance reaches 80 million dollars

is automatically eligible

Saturday I'm not going through with this

farce the gift please Miss Hathaway This

is no time to think of expense

with my compliments

would you look at that

what is it it's a genuine imported

Oriental magic music maker huh Dawn

Japanese transistor radio

all it needs is about

Congo you didn't have to get us that

it's the least I can do very least

well you've done all the work take care

of money seems like we ought to give you

a present I got just the thing for him

you like big birds Mr Dragon

that's a mighty poor reward for all Mr

Drive deals done taking care of our

money for six years must have been a

mighty heavy burden the height I can't

deny that it has cost me many sleepless

nights

spun a few silver threads among the gold

out of lions or once youthful face and

cause a slight temperature once steady

hands you ain't gonna be sick

I wish I could say the same

I'm silver-haired daddy

what do you mean now

I didn't build this man a fortune by

sleeping

semper paratus always ready others may

work from Sun to Sun but Bankers work is

never done Mr Dreiser you take it easy

don't overdo it my advice exactly

what better way to go I regret that I

have but one life to give to my largest

depositor all right Nathan and win that

big Bank in the sky calls my final loan

let my Epitaph read he never met a

millionaire he didn't like it

foreign

[Music]

I still don't think it's a good idea to

put money in the ground it's bad

Mr Drysdale

yeah Jethro poor man has wore yourself

to appraisal uh worrying about my money

and we try to figure what to do with it

I can tell you what to do with it give

it to England England are you hurting

for money they sell bad off they done

sold their Queen

no soul they're clean yes sir I hear

that on Mr drysdale's radio the city of

Philadelphia has bought Queen Elizabeth

and is fixing to Tire to the dock for a

tourist attraction I can't believe keep

reading Us boy no sir I heard it turn

that thing on again

news is over now can't get but one

station to me if england was in that

much trouble we'd have heard something

from them folks in our Castle let's have

Jethro write them get the story

firsthand I can beat that

Hello Operator

this is Sir Jethro de Bodine head

Bartlett to the Earl of Clinton let's

include our Castle in England

yeah England where does restart Royal

ears that the rabble is Hawk the queen

we might have to come over there and

flog a bunch of them Rascals I'll handle

it boy

yes ma'am that's a Clampett Castle in

Kent England

what is it they say over there instead

of Howdy

I have a shame

would you hold on a moon please

oh Mr favisham sir I think we'd better

take this call it's from the United

States

Beacon is that you Mr Domo

barber shops

well fibersham to you

your house granny uh listen major uh

we're just wondering how everybody's

getting along over there oh quite well

said Thank you considering the fact

we're running the castle with a skeleton

star

they got trouble all right their

servants are down to skin and bones

we don't care nothing about them Oaks

and surfs how much did Philadelphia

I hope you'll excuse jestro he heard

some wild story about uh selling uh

Queen Elizabeth to Philadelphia

I reckon ain't no truth to it well yes

sir as a matter of fact we've sold both

our Queens

don't say what is it kid

so Queen Mary to Long Beach

is next and that's us we got to Rally

around the queen and put down this

uprising

Mr cabinet yes I heard Master Jethro's

Outburst it's only Her Majesty's ships

that have been sold oh well things ain't

quite as bad as we thought but it's

hurting for money all right the queen

sold her Navy

well don't let us know nothing else uh

maybe things will get

what's that

you've done Seoul London Bridge too

poor woman Jazz we've got to help her

well I got a feeling she's going to pick

up uh I hope the Queen's still gonna

help oh yes indeeda and her majesty is

spending this week at the Royal preserve

I see well uh maybe we'll be paying your

visit soon Mr Domo what's up if I ever

show up to you

thank you

you know two ways about it granny things

is rough you know what the queen is

spending this week doing what

putting up preserves

no time to move Jed you gotta take your

money out of the bank and head for

England

I'm such a dry as ale and the Queen at

the same time

[Music]

Chief the guard just called and said

granny Mr clap it around

and get your mascara yes I want some

Dark Shadows under my eyes I haven't had

a good night's sleep in six years

remember she's not that pony act again

what I worked didn't it I practically

had them in tears now do as I say

Mr dry Dale

yes

so it is you don't have to excuse me sir

a bad case of Banker squint adding up

those figures day and night six years

excuse me sir

it's a great deal I know you've been

toting a crushing burden but I got good

news for you good news I'm gonna take my

80 million dollars out of your bank

get a wheel bear granny

Logan

it worked already

he sure is sleeping now with it just

like a baby

[Music]

where am I what's going on you fainted

faded oh you were in a deep coma it took

a 20 to bring you out of it I'm not the

type who faced what happened well Mr

clava told you he was withdrawing his 80

million dollars

I better open a window no no no lock it

I might jump

you better hide my tire and belt too you

know of course you brought this on

yourself oh that Financial fatigue act

Mr clavut felt sorry for you where is he

waiting in my office

foreign

sure done wonders for you oh I never

felt better in my life yeah it must be a

relief getting 80 million dollars off

your back oh no please don't take it

right there you said yourself that it's

a crushing burden but I'm used to it I'm

a banker but it would finish you in no

time there will be no burden to me I'm

giving it away

you know she uh there is a certain lady

that's in trouble

oh I see well how much does she want

well I reckon oh she can lay her hands

on yes I know the time these wires I aim

to give her all I got

oh 80 million

to this lady that's just a drop in the

bucket

she must have some bucket you knew who

she would who is she

I don't know what she want me to say

she's a mighty high place woman and high

price too what's her name

keep it yourself I promise

well

Queen Elizabeth

I deal you promise

what happened I assure you the Queen of

England is a very wealthy woman once was

maybe but things is kind of rough I've

looked into the matter

downstairs won't give us no money

without trying to check all right that's

Miss Gene to get us four tickets to

London no I'm one Rachel you want

lettuce Mr right dude it's my money

what what I meant was that you just

can't walk up Buckingham Palace and and

hand the queen money she's too proud to

accept charity oh we know that God we're

gonna put it in plain gunny sacks and

throw it over the wall

it's kind of a granny

a thing like this has to be handled with

great diplomacy now I have some

connections with the British Embassy and

I'll have him get in touch with you well

we do want to handle it the right way

yes yes but you go home and leave

everything to me all right come on

granny I don't take the freeway this

time kid that tail didn't make me

nervous

Miss Hathaway chief

I want you to get me the finest British

actor money can buy well how much money

are you talking about I'll go as high as

10 bucks

for you sir well this is no time to

pinch pennies

oh

[Music]

how long are you gonna be mate this

rig's due back at the studio at five

o'clock what did the rate Mr Drysdale is

paying me my performance should run

about two minutes

get it damn the Englishman is here

granny we gotta be careful how we talk

to that Fella Mr Drysdale said he's a

queen's Minister I've never seen no

preacher dressed like him

satin richest lace clocks all kinds of

fancy trappings like Episcopalian

well granny hey sheep and gasoline

and I reckon they don't pay their

preachers no better than we pay ours

kid so it won't surprise you his hair is

white as snow probably been doing a heap

of worrying about the queen

I mean man thank you Ibraham Mantra hey

is Mr clamping around well I'm Jared

Clampett and there this here's granny

how do you do pleased to meet you

Reverend Reverend well Mr Dragon said

you was a queen's Minister a minister of

finance

he must take up the collection here is

my identification and my authority to

act on the Queen's behalf

well uh come on into parlor and sit down

no I'm afraid I have the time but uh Mr

Drysdale tells me that you wish to

present the queen with the gift of some

sort well uh we heard that the queen but

unfortunately Her Majesty is not allowed

to accept gifts but on the Queen's

behalf I thank you for whatever it is

you had in mind for her good day well

what we had in mind was 80 million

dollars

[Music]

80 million dollars did Mr Drysdale tell

you it's sitting in his bank and Jed is

more than happy for the queen to have it

now Granny if the queen can't take it

there may be a way Excuse me while I

talk to my chief of protocols

well you may return to the studio you

chaps it looks as though the bitpuff I'm

playing is going to turn into a very

meaty role or what kind of a role is it

a bankroll

[Music]

I hope you don't mind doing your talking

in the kitchen not at all I ain't nosy I

just want to hear everything well anyway

as I was saying after the oral company

gave me all a million cousin Pearl

talked me into moving out of the little

old cabin and coming out here to Burley

Hill I see in here ever since for a

couple of weeks we spent in England in

our Castle your owner Castle in England

yes sir the folks of my deniers there

that's one reason we're so anxious to

help the queen we'll think of a way of

course it's got to be done so it

wouldn't seem like charity we wouldn't

want to hurt a pride now naturally but

the castle solves the problem

he did as a British landowner you are

qualified to purchase Royal real estate

well that's fine but uh how's that here

well as you know her majesty has vast

real estate holdings all over the world

but she's eating up with taxes or what

they call a land pool

I could make you a fabulous price on one

of the crown colonies

would you like to buy Hong Kong Hong

Kong that's that big eight that carried

off Bay Rays

Hong Kong is on the coast of China will

it tell the truth I ain't too keen on

buying a Chinese

let's get back to the real estate oh

fine would you be interested in

Australia or perhaps India

well if you like Islands I could make

you a very good price on Borneo

wish I knew more about these things uh

granny and me ain't had much schooling

again

oh good there's Jethro he's the educated

member of the family he is yeah I'm here

to get you boy on the second course I

better check those rights there may be a

second mortgage on Borneo

tell everybody to let me take her

Buzzard England so we can hunt rabble

from the truck we're talking about that

later boy this here is the Queen's

Minister oh pleased to meet you Reverend

I'll be true

we gotta take the Buzzard I already sent

the truck over you sent a truck to

England yes sir put on one of them great

big cargo planes so it'll be waiting

when we get there how many times have I

told you I don't allow bunchers in here

you know something

there's a lot of folks that feels that

way did you ever try hitchhiking from

the airport wearing a suit armor and

talking a buzzard brings her their mouth

I never know

everybody slowed down but nobody stopped

yes sir I need your advice on buying

some Royal real estate Royal real estate

it's a way of helping the queen and a

person here is giving me my choice of

Australia India or Borneo oh be careful

of legit this Rascal's foxing you he's a

man of the claw oh yeah and he's pulling

it over your eyes explain yourself boy

he's holding out the best way right make

them sell you Canada

you're right Mr Clampett he's the

educated member of the family graduated

in sixth grade

well I must confess I was holding out of

Canada until the last well yeah I can't

hold you for that Parson you were just

looking out for the queen

good traitor always keeps the best horse

in the back well I'm glad you understand

very well sir Canada it is

you'll need that when you go to

subdivide

and I don't aim to do that cover the

boys right everything must be perfectly

honest and legal now if you have a pen

and will transfer title right above the

Queen's signature good then I'll pay the

tax on it and give it back to her I'll

call Mr dryer deal how to make out to

check that won't be necessary I trust

you you trust me

just let me have whatever cash you have

as good money I don't know how much I

got here but uh that'll do perfect thank

you and there's the title

Jethro told me about shipping the truck

to England but don't worry I'll have it

back on the next plane oh no need to do

that we're going over ourselves because

Miss Jean gets us a ticket but there's

no need to go now didn't the Queen's

Minister come to see you sure did Danny

fella nice man to do business with too

business told me Canada for 80 million

dollars and a handful of cash you want

Canada Jim

his Jethro deserves the credits hadn't

been for him I might have wound up with

Borneo it's a great idea why don't you

missed you

[Music]

well it takes to catch him up on his

sleep is a little good news

[Music]

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is set a spell take your

shoes all y'all come back now here

it's been a film wise presentation

Viacom

[Music]