06x30 - Cousin Roy

[bunniefuu]

listen to the story about a man named

Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept his

family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

grounds on a bubbling crew all that is

black gold Texas Tea

well the first thing you know old Jeb's

a millionaire the Kim folk said Jed move

away from there said California is the

place you ought to be so deluded up the

truck in the mood to Beverly Hills that

is swimming pools movie stars a Beverly

hillbilly

[Music]

thank you

members company riddles have I ever

smell them any word from cousin Royal he

called from the edge of town Ellie gave

him the directions how to get here well

from the edge of town you just follow

his nose

If Heaven smelled like that wouldn't be

no Sinners here is the shoe prize for

cousin Roy see if you can guess what

that is

that is either a rain crow barn owl or

yellow Hammer close right hand right

that's a coot cobbler

I'm talking a little one today

well polaroy probably hasn't had a

decent meal since I left the hill I saw

a granny Rose Mars one of the best cooks

in good care of him Michael Halsey her

cooking would gag a buzzard I just ain't

so then why did Roy always come over to

our place to eat you coming over to our

place because he had eyes really me he

had eyes for my riddles ready remember

how he used to sit on the back porch and

play his guitar make up songs about

Haley he done that to keep from going

home to an empty table all right granny

how is your way Bible Halsey never

cooked a decent meal in her life she was

always out peddling that bad moonshine

that she made are you talking about her

tonic mother Myrtle's magic mixture

Possum Ridge poisonous what it was she

would have been arrested well now you

peddle plenty of your tonic Dr Daisy's

Chickasaw blood Builder that was

legitimate miss the only no protection

against Siberian skirming granny we

never had no Siberians Kirby you bet we

didn't I pioneered in preventive

medicine

no just because you and Myrtle used to

lock horns I hope you ain't gonna take

it out on her boy

I'm treating them like a king I'm

cooking them everything but the fan is

cast speaking of the founded calf uh

where is Jethro

middles like these are cooking I'm

surprised he ain't here with both feet

in a trolls

a plum forgot about Jethro

[Music]

at the driveway

when is that girl Gonna Learn to wear a

dress

for cousin Roy yep but I don't know if

it'll fit him

Funeral Home put it on yes sir

good thing that girl is so pretty yeah

she takes after me

come on I almost hate to see him yet

what six years of nothing but Myrtle's

cooking he'll be a walking skeleton

thank you

we this place is bigger than the current

County Courthouse

[Music]

thank you Mr Clampett let's have a look

at you Roy

exactly a skeleton ready flowers have

you no ma'am just Big Mama's cooking oh

that's baby fat daddy still living on it

I don't you worry Little Roy my riddles

were fresh out come on in I got a

surprise cooking for you on the stove

right now well thank you Granny but I

just finished the last of the bills that

Mama packed from a trip cold coat

cobbler you say Coupe yes ma'am ain't

nobody makes it like big mama

they still call her man crazy Myrtle

okay uh let's have Roy told his things

in

sure is a Danny car Roy

I wanted poster on this side

[Music]

yes Mama let me drive her delivery cars

oh no man business so good she done sent

me out here to open up a Hollywood brand

yes sir she's after the movie star trade

she figures she'll have them if we can

just get an endorsement from somebody

like bull Montana

well how did that rally

what happened I brought my sample case

40 models of Big Mama's magic mixture

looks like some of them's busted Roy

don't fly the match nobody I'll go get

them up before starting to the floor I'm

sorry Mr Clampett I'll clean it up no no

barely me take care of that Ellie show

Roy to his room oh yes sir pop

yeah we're right and you still play the

guitar yes ma'am Ellie I pick it a

little would you pick something for me I

sure will Ellie May give Roy a chance to

get settled in oh that's all right Mr

Clampett I'd like to do one for Ellie

here's one I used to do right after

y'all left the hills because I kissed

Ellie

there's a cabin in Cut County that we

knew in days of year where we wild many

happy hours away

[Music]

they have taken you away and I'll never

see my darling anymore

I am sitting by the river and I'm

weeping all the days

foreign

[Music]

I bet your Roy will never brag on his

mamas again

yes ma'am especially that coot cobbler

when did Mama give you her recipe

she's expecting you to call Roy and I

wanted to do that right now let her know

you got here safe and sound really sure

Roy that phone out in the front home oh

yes sir Paul follow me Rob Grant

anything you want me to tell Mama yeah

they'll Priscilla

I had it to y'all I'm not something to

say to her

I said Clampett hello Chad you have some

Rascals just fine Myrtle how's yourself

powerful dead just tell them I'm getting

old the signs of time are running out on

me the pretty little apple cheap girl he

used to know it's just a wasted shell

that's right here then you know what kid

just a minute m*rder she's ailing granny

big mama you was feeling fine just a man

to go shut up get off the phone blab him

out

thank you

my foot that's a whiskey please have I

ever heard come on now say something

nice

[Music]

what was that Chad oh well granny said

take care of yourself

what do we do to help you m*rder oh it's

too late for me Chad but I do hope

you'll help Lauren to get my tonic

business started out there has it talked

to Bull Montana yet why ain't your

Myrtle but for business advice you want

to talk to Mr Gray do you that's a

banker takes care of my money dry style

you say huh

foreign

Commerce Bank

president

nice looking man is he I mean good

character and all

the fine man and right handsome thank

you Chad you've given a darn weather no

hope goodbye

[Music]

are you sure you want a double day with

me tonight Roy oh yes sir cousin Jethro

I figure I can learn a lot from a Sheikh

like you all right that won't be long

you want me to come in with you no no

please if that girl sees me with you

I'll never get a date oh ain't that

good looking you just wait right here

Roy hey maybe I can sell a few bottles

of Big Mama's tonic while I'm waiting at

here on the street in Beverly Hills are

you

hey that's a great idea

yeah put on a medicine show you set up

here stand right here on the sidewalk

hey your banjo and draw a great big

crowd there's a chance that bull Montana

might come by

Montana the Obama wants an endorsement

from a big movie star

yeah yeah sure he does he comes by here

so much they call this here Bull Run

[Music]

all right

[Music]

y Miss Jane

Jethro what brings you here well if it's

all right with you I'd like to take a

dip in a secretarial pool and see what I

come up with

you must not be blinded by mere physical

pulchritude that sort of beauty is only

skin deep well maybe so but I like the

way some of them skims are stuffed

what are you looking at there's a crime

down there it's wall Peddler and do they

allow that in Beverly Hills oh I should

say no they'll be arrested within

minutes oh

now folks right after this musical

number I'm going to pass amongst you

with us here miracle from the mountains

mother Myrtle's magic mixture before I

start is bull Montana in the crowd

huh I'll dedicate this to him anyway

because he's mama's favorite

[Music]

thank you thank you

now who's going to be first right here

buddy let me see that yes sir man in

uniform half price for this wonderful

time

the body lifts the spirit and soothes

the salt

you know something folks he's right back

in Missouri before I took my first

bottle of mother myrtles I was a 97

pound weekly

[Music]

what's the trouble some clown is

probably cotton medicines in front of a

bank and I want to make a complaint well

I saw a policeman down there why don't

you complain to him I did he made me buy

six bottles

roswell's office one moment please

there's a Mrs Myrtle Halsey calling you

long distance I don't know any Myrtle

Halls eh Mr Clive had suggested that she

call you

hello Mrs Jose

what can I do for you well the first

thing you can do is call me m*rder

but yeah of course if if you call me

Milburn okay Melvin here's the Scoop I'm

moving my business operations to the

West Coast in my dear friend Jed

Clampett says you're just the man to

help a rich young water like me well

indeed I am now why don't you come out

and we'll have a business conference

well I don't know Jed says you're a

handsome devil which he promised to keep

it strictly business

absolutely ah well I'll come out anyway

I'm just dying to see Granny again she's

such a dear sweet little old lady she's

always been like a mother to me

I have an idea now why don't you fly out

as my guest and will surprise granny oh

that sounds like fun things when we make

the Hollywood scene Melby

you start packing now

alrighty bye

[Music]

all set green embroidery sample case and

made you a new sound let's see it boy

my reward will be here in the screams of

dying victims turn to happy laughter

foreign

[Music]

looks like he's fooling with the fire

hydrant poor Devo just like a poison rat

trying to get your water are we boys

[Music]

[Music]

oh fine boy

folks who's the next to be saved I am

older than I am the only known antidote

it's a mad dog myrtless

[Music]

he was laying here fighting for his life

like Dr Daisy's death the fire fetched

him back from the break of the green and

it's free your accreditation who wants

to be saved how about you brother

I think we need some music granny that's

how Roy done it

I'll be all right

[Music]

for me

I'll give you something a little more

cheerful

needed here comes a walking testimonial

hello they're nutty as fruitcakes the

big one held me and the little one

poured that down my throat

[Music]

what is that stuff the only known cure

for Mad Dog myrtles m*rder and mixture

you talking about mother Myrtle's magic

mixture have you had some just finished

the whole bottle open your mouth quick

and go upstairs

[Music]

yeah they had a ride down there a riot

in my bank oh no sir out front they

grabbed a couple of dope Peddlers in

front of my bank pushers Hillary you

could call them that they was pushing a

bottle down a policeman's throat

are you kidding those Hot Heads are

dangerous let the police handle them oh

the rod scratched him took him to jail

but the bank wants you to call right

away well I'll be late for the airport

not Miss Hathaway

how you go meet the plane and bring

Myrtle that is the Widow Halls you to

the climates so granny and I can share

the wonderful surprise of seeing her

well what about Margaret Margaret who

your wife

what about it I surely you intend to

tell Myrtle that you're married oh sure

sure after she goes home

a rich Widow deserves a few Thrills

besides many a business deals been made

on a dance floor

he feels real spry looking real spread

too

Ellie honey why don't you fetch Roy

you're going to meet Mr drazy yes sir

Bob

dollar Jack Milburn

what's all this about a riot and dope

fenders

oh two of me

great big goofy looking kid

little old lady wearing a doctor's coat

that sounds a heap like jethron granny

I'm glad

they are here oh they went into town to

Pedal Granny's death defying antidote

I don't care what it does hurry

don't worry Mr krabbert they'll be here

in no time well I ain't sure I want to

be here Granny's love will be a might

peebish well enough along I'm at a

surprise that's going to make everything

all right one of her dearest friends is

coming to see her who's in Myrtle Halsey

Myrtle Halsey yes the woman who's always

been like a daughter the granny now I

know I don't want to be here

[Music]

[Music]

who's that with Miss Jane darn to find

though

it's James bag

with my Widow

[Music]

my feet

my shotgun I'm gonna perform a mercy

k*lling

[Music]

so now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his skin they would like to

thank you folks for kindly dropping in

you're all invited back next week to

this locality to have a heap and helping

of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Sarah's Bell take your

shoes off y'all come back now dear

this has been a film waste presentation

right

[Music]