06x09 - A Plot for Granny

[bunniefuu]

and listen to the story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family feud and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground come a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea

well the first thing you know old Jeb's

a millionaire the Kim folk said can't

move away from there said California is

a place you ought to be sober loaded up

the truck in the mood to Beverly Hills

that is swimming pools movie stars a

Beverly hillbilly

thank you

sneaky little environment coming in on

The Blind Side

you just stay right there honey

I'm gonna give you some rock salt and

some bacon rind to go with your corn

ER where'd you sh**t granny I shot my

hat what's first that was a crow

checking on it

granny you're getting too old to do your

own skier growing you're doing your lock

on you why don't you let me make you one

cause there ain't no scarecrow that can

sh**t straight

you just do too good yourself oh I got

the crow I blowed that Rascal the

kingdom come there ain't enough left of

him to feather an arrow granny would you

please stop sh**ting at Elmer I'm making

him awful nervous environment out of

here

she's making a nervous wreck out of it

I'll make a pie out of him

yeah I did dragon in dead birds you look

very dead to me that rock salt preserves

if somebody shot through the window in

my bedroom look at here

first case of dander I ever seen that's

rock salt

and this here's a piece of bacon run I

ain't gonna cure it you'll have to dip

his head in hot for yourself now listen

granny calm down boy granny suppose you

go out and look after your corn crop

what's the use nobody can grow nothing

around here but with the cry babies the

crows and the bats we ain't got no bats

what about the old bat next door

what was the police every time you try

to do something to improve the place

like raise Hogs or chickens or run a few

goats granny you can't fall Miss

Drysdale for that you got to remember

you're living in the city you call this

living I'm buried in the city and I'm

getting tired of it all right granny why

don't we live in the country where folks

can breathe raise things and sh**t off a

g*n

I got a first-rate ID you know Granny's

birthday is coming up soon I know yeah

I'm gonna make a scarecrow for a corn

pads I'm gonna make her a great big old

Cedar Chest you know how she's always

talked about needing one it was Danny

president you know what I'm going to

give her what huh a piece of ground a

nice plot out in the country where she

can plant them hot dog I call Mr dry

idea excuse me you don't have to call Mr

Drysdale about buying a flight of ground

I've seen some for sale yesterday you

did okay sir out the country too great

big sign alongside the road said buy

your loved one to plot and Happy Valley

[Music]

a Happy Valley like that I like a fun

spot I hear he is happy about it I'll

call him for you pop uh here's the

number Ellie I remember you not a word

to Granny you want this to be a surprise

[Music]

Happy Valley Mr Mortimer speaking hi Mr

Mortimer this here is Jed Clampett I'm

wanting to buy a nice plot of ground for

granny I see

Ed Clampett and you want something nice

for your grandmother well no uh strictly

speaking she's my mother-in-law or

something inexpensive then

oh money is No Object I want the best

you got provided of course is land of

yours is out in the country oh it is Mr

Clampett Happy Valley is in a beautiful

pastoral setting good good it's past

your link

uh I reckon that'll be just dandy or you

see Granny don't want to be buried in

the city especially in the backyard well

I should hope not as a matter of fact

it's against the law oh yeah we found

that out every time we go to dig in our

neighbor calls the pulley

uh Mr Clampett uh are you by any chance

on welfare no sir Crestview 518

Crestview Drive uh no no I'm referring

to your ability to meet your obligation

I appreciate your calling Happy Valley

but I will have to ask about credit well

it was Jethro's senior sign so uh I

reckon he ought to get the credit

uh no Mr Clampett you don't understand

uh let me put it this way do you have a

bank account

yes sir I keep my money at a Commerce

Bank of Beverly Hills

pause granny I'll talk to you later bye

what's going on

you look guilty as three possums in a

hen house what are you talking about

granny

was that on the telephone what nobody

granny

[Music]

I'm ready to call on the bereaved

families tomorrow good

now here's your fact sheet the name is

JD Clampett the address is Beverly Hills

and the bank account is 65 million

dollars and the name of the loved one

look as far as I'm concerned it's JD

Clampett I meant the name of the dearest

party I don't know it's his

mother-in-law they call her granny I

want you to try to sell them a family

plot these people are loaded I see there

are four in the family yes but I want

you to sell them five plots one for

their Banker your Banker believe me when

Clampett goes that guy will k*ll himself

you know come to think of it the

Banker's married too

sell them a six-pack

Mr Mortimer try to remember you're not

peddling beer anymore I'm not peddling

plots either the guy that sold me this

property said I'd make a k*lling here

I may have to to get any business

[Music]

all right you had fair warning

it's time you're going in a positive

you don't leave off sh**ting you're

gonna have the police down on it I aim

to take one more shot

this is strictly for medical purposes I

can feel the room it is burning its way

up my legs I gotta build me a fire break

across my stomach

ah

more

that was from a left leg

and they're Living Through Chemistry I

think you ain't got Rumors in your arms

I'm gonna think of it

that's enough

[Music]

oh it's about your mother-in-law granny

you ain't from the police are you

no I'm from good I was hoping they

hadn't heard about the sh**t

there's been a sh**ting there's granny

what to do for you fine

I'm from Happy Valley oh yeah I want to

get a plot of ground for granny

or LMA people watching out the back door

see we ain't surprised

we have some uh very nice plots how

would you like a hillside location no I

had enough back home Hillside ain't no

place for plan there's good rain comes

along a body could get washed out

Kelly

you recollect what happened with the

greens sure do Paul we put them in on a

hill back as a cabin long came a

cloudburst the next morning there was

Greens all over that back porch

you couldn't go out the back door

without stepping on them we just let the

Hogs and chickens happen

no no as a matter of fact I think I'm

having a chill well have a slug of this

no no thank you

good for what alien

sure took care of Granny what do you

mean two drinks of that she didn't feel

a thing

it's been very uh very merciful where is

the loved one now

granny oh she's uh back in the corn

patch

makes it Danny scarecrow

[Music]

you don't intend to leave her out there

like that fool oh she's all right just

tricks you and me she's pretty well

pickled

she was commenced to stiffen up

I think I better get back to the office

let's go wait a minute what about

Granny's plot well uh that'll be up to

Mr Mortimer well I want a nice and level

and plenty big so we put in some greens

greens out here sure we aim to put in a

whole bunch of well I'll tell Mr Morgan

yeah and tell her not to say nothing we

want it to be a surprise oh yeah yes yes

I know what you say nothing either no

don't know word of Honor

what are you babbling about are you

trying to tell me that clamper shot his

mother-in-law shot her pickled her and

put her out in the corn patch for a

scarecrow

what do you put me on Mr Clampett and

his daughter are cold-blooded K*llers

daughters in on a two they made Bonnie

and Clyde look like the bobsie twins

what did you sell them I'm telling you

they are murderers back in the Hills

they wiped out an entire family the

greens you mean like a feud yes and now

they're planning to surprise the greens

out here

hey wait a minute this may be just a

break I've been waiting for

you can bury an awful lot of greens with

65 million bucks I quit oh no you don't

you're into me for five weeks salary and

you haven't even sold your first plot

yet Sue me I'll do better than that I'll

call Clampett and I'll tell him your

name is really green oh no oh yes

Happy Valley Mortimer speaking

well hello Mr Clampett what a pleasant

surprise my salesman and I were just

talking about you

yes he'll be right over with the

contracts for you to sign going back

here see I never did catch that

salesman's name his name I'll spell it

for you g r right I'm going I mean

b-r-u-b-a-k-e-r Brewbaker did he tell

you I wanted plenty of room to put in

some green Mr Clampett you can have one

entire section of Happy Valley just for

the green we'll call it Green Acres

[Music]

there's really Cedar test how do you

like it well first off it ain't Cedar

fine I know but we ain't got no cedar

trees cut down one of our trees to me no

sir don't want to miss dry's day

why so granny won't know about it well

miss drazil though but she's gonna yell

bloody m*rder

she ain't home

but when she comes home and sees what

you've done she'll likely call the

police no she won't I nod to stop so it

looked like a beaver dammit

get over there and dig a hole we try to

put in a new tree before she gets back

I'll beg granny a birthday cake

would you lock oh I go dig a hole yes

sir you want me to bury a pan and all

or the tree boy for the tree

well Ellie that's a Dandy looking cake

thank you

a lot of body to it what is it oh this

here's the marble cake

I'm gonna write happy birthday Granny on

there with icing huh yes sir Paul and we

gonna have a surprise party I'd be nice

if we could hide all this stuff from

granny for two more days oh I could hide

my Scarecrow in my cake and Jeff throws

to eat a chat yeah

well I'll take this in put some icing on

it oh well honey it might be a little

risky right now granny keeps coming back

in the kitchen for roomatives booster

shots

[Music]

many times have I told you that apes are

not people these environments

oh I can't make it

my joints are all roasted with the room

with kids

and relief is just to swallow away

messy honey

help you poor old granny

I was only funding you when I called you

environment you is one of the family

pull the Cork and give your poor old

granny some medicine

sweetheart now pour some in the glass

[Music]

oh you're such a darling

raise the glass to Granny's lips so she

can thaw out

[Laughter]

great

you have hit a new low drinking with an

eight I ain't drinking in my own free

will Jed this little vomit is forced it

on me you little rhino

kind of warm didn't it

I can't I can't I gotta watch my corn

you gotta watch your help I'll agree to

that

you go up and lay down and rest

it's not in the house

well I'm going to root cell and lay down

good idea I'll take this with me to keep

it away from that alcoholic heat I'll

tell you with me you go have yourself a

good long sleep

how about nightcap good idea pull it

down over your ears

[Music]

a couple of these more squares

oh where's my cake guess you're doing

the printing for you he's the best in

the family you know but I made ice on

you oh well here he comes we'll tell him

not to bother

hey take a look at this letter if you

like it I'll put happy birthday right

above granny

cut into my cake how'd you do that boy

with a hammer and chisel

T my marble cake marble is right I don't

broke two chisels on it

beautiful poor Granny wakes up get

through you letter them Garden markers

Ellie Mae you convinced calling folks

and invite them to the birthday

celebration

that's him the one with the saw what is

that he's making a casket what else it's

horrible I warned you I figured on

selling in one of those ten thousand

dollar bronze jobs

let's drive on oh no

that man is a drunken Mad Dog he kills

In Cold Blood but he pays in cold cash

you coming Mr Green I'm coming

Mr Clampett I'm Mortimer of Happy Valley

glad to meet you Mr Mortimer that's my

daughter early May howdy

uh oh how do you do I'll commence

calling folks Paul

[Music]

that young fella over there with the

markers is my nephew Jethro

howdy

how do you do uh did you say those were

markers yeah we're going to use them out

of Happy Valley to mark off different

plots uh are they for The Greens Greens

or whatever else we choose to put in

carbs and melons

not the Harvey melon I don't believe I'm

familiar with him uh good but it still

looks like we're going to do a lot of

business a Brewbaker may I have those

contracts please

how do you do Mr Clampett

have you uh heard anything from the

police

well no for a while there is afraid Miss

Drysdale next door we're gonna call him

but we think we figured a way to keep

her quiet down

[Applause]

is Granny still in the Corn Patch oh no

she stretched out in The Root Cellar

uh Mr Clampett I'd like to suggest that

Mr Brewbaker and I take granny back to

Happy Valley with us no no we'll fetch

her out day after tomorrow that's your

birthday well that's a very sweet

sentiment Mr Clampett but I wouldn't

wait two days

well if we've known he's going to spoil

the celebration it's a celebration

yeah just who made her that Pine Box uh

could I perhaps suggest something in

prom no the boy worked hard on that it's

kind of rough but uh it ain't the gift

it's a thought

and uh your daughter Ellie made that

marble thing as part of the celebration

we thought we'd put them and Granny on

the truck go out to Happy Valley and

have a picnic

you know music dancing video box social

definitely

oh come on uh have a little snow you too

Mr Mortimer

get out of here

the man has invited us for a drink

an aesthetic he administers before he

shoots you two drinks of that you don't

feel a thing

here you are Mr Brewbaker uh no thank

you

well uh how about you Mr Mortimer well

certainly I'll have a shot a snort well

Down the Hatch

I wouldn't drink that too fast

[Music]

you all right Mr Mortimer

it's powerful

[Music]

look what I found in the root salad

really

did he say grammy that's the corpse

brought her back to life

of Happy Valley yeah hey I'm gonna

subdivide that place no more Cemetery

are you kidding when they Market the

stuff who's gonna need it

don't take that Granny Over My Dead Body

oh

who is the pine Bachelor somebody passed

on

me

I ain't never touching another drop

again

[Music]

but now it's time to say goodbye to Jet

and all his skin they would like to

thank you folks for kindly dropping in

they're all invited back next week to

this locality to have a heaping helping

of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is sellers Bell take your

shoes off y'all come back now yes