06x01 - Jed Inherits a Castle

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to my story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground some a bubbling crew all that is

black gold Texas Tea

well the first thing you know old Jeb's

a millionaire weekend folks said Jed

move away from there said California is

the place you ought to be so they loaded

up the truck can remove the Beverly

Hills that is swimming pools movie stars

the Beverly hillbilly

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thank you

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boy and uh what said you got into he's

the kind of Royal Raymonds he's going to

be wearing over at your Castle

of what

hey Mr drazdale called you you don't

inherited the doggone Castle over to

England go on yeah when the gray big

grass with a drawstring

me no sir I was over to back when Mr

Drysdale got the word so I went over to

the studio and got us some Queen

Elizabeth clothes

Queen Elizabeth oh yes sir she's a queen

England I looked her up in a book these

are kind of clothes you got to wear

around her everybody wait uh just us

Royal folks

this here was more about Francis Drake

well I hope it looked better on her

the streak was a man a fighting man a

sailor

you see how they run around like that

better be a fighting man

excuse me ma'am I know that you

yeah sir Jethro head Bartlett to his

majesty the Earl the clamper Jen what is

this you don't call him Jeb he is

loyalty and you are just a commoner one

of his oats you got the bow and scrape

and Rubble in front of him and me too

cause I'm his wrong nephew

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folks don't run around hitting members

of the royal family uh uh no sir no uh

here's about this you done laid your

hands on my Royal person you don't get

your Royal person into some decent

clothes I'm gonna lay more than hands on

you the boy is excited he got to hold

some story about me inheriting a castle

let's listen to what he got to say

I ain't listening to No nut that runs

around in velvet rumors and wears a

woman's hat these deer is royal raiments

this here's what the queen favors for

her nuts what she sleeps in is her own

business

bend your knee to His Highness next to

Kin you Saxon dog what did you call me

when you're gonna get a fill your

peasant head that you ain't got Royal

Blood like us

but Uncle Jim it's true I mean sire

she's just your mother-in-law she ain't

blood candy you're like Ellie and me but

that makes her a vassal she's got to do

our bitten and walk Three Paces behind

us that's it

no it's all right dear I don't mind

walking behind Jethro that's more like

it Maeve

and when we stretch around the castle

she brings up the rear

bring it up enough or do you want

another one

it's a good idea

inherited yourself a castle see I told

you quick everybody let's get into our

Royal ring

after you oh

this is fabulous fabulous I can see it

now the presentation to court knighted a

seat in the House of Lords luncheon with

the Prime Minister t with the queen Mr

clapping is hardly prepared for such

honors not him me I'll handle things

just like I do here the Krampus will

stay at the castle I'll be up in London

receiving the honors banking the money

what money

from the tenants who live on the ten

thousand acres surrounding the castle

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now don't get your

Supply but he may decide not to go to

England at all

what do you mean he's got to go I've got

to go England is my kind of country

that's where I want to live but what if

your wife doesn't want to go

you think there's a chance

I didn't say don't get your hopes up the

way of royalty is not the way of the

clap it's their plain simple country

people were with no desire to have

yes this is

[Laughter]

the commoners is here are you like the

castle dress aren't you pretty beautiful

yes but Ellie they don't wear quiet um

dog god when you hear someone knocking

at the Moon you're supposed to let down

the drawstring

tell me something how do you

housebreaker oh oh

I got her own clothes and everything but

she won't Grumble worse shots

not in here

if I don't drove them the queen is gonna

throw me in the Tower of London and feed

me the Beefeater

stress see I told you no I mean

well I can see there's a general

misconception about modern day England

which I should clarify without further

Ado granny there's no serfdom you are

not an oath and Jethro even members of

the periods no longer have the power to

rule the lives of others

an element that these costumes are

strictly for pageantry

and there is no desert prison no t*rture

for those overdrawn at the bank will you

stop putting England down

you mean the queen ain't gonna feed me

to the bee feeders of course not why you

come on you've done committed high

treason again the crown excited to oh

your head is Gonna Roll

executioner or lock off your offended

member I am the head volunteers Majesty

the Earl of Clampett oh where is the

Earl

he's up in the turret putting on his raw

Raymond

beseech your audience

I'm coming down wearing these fancy

dudes oh please Mr Clampett I mean your

lordship grab us a boon we humbly

petition your Royal presence yeah come

on

are you gonna see some class

yes

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trying to ruin my life wreck my career

shatter my dream I get to clap it's all

steamed up to go to England and claim

their castle and you destroy everything

with your big mouth how are you feeling

about all I did was tell the truth

that's what I'm raving about right now I

know you consider this a great financial

opportunity for you and your bank

think about the Clampetts for a moment

okay

that's long enough now let's think about

me and my back

be reasonable you'll be in London in

your Counting house but those poor

simple Hill folk will suddenly find

themselves

in Tradition so rid of the protocol

they'll be completely lost they won't

know what to do or say it would turn to

they'll turn to Lady Jane Hathaway who

else oh well if you have someone

Lady Jane

not me

playing drain hot water do you think the

crown will overlook your services in

converting the pheasants of Possum Ridge

into the keepers of Clampett Castle gee

this is ridiculous I I could never

explain you tell me your ancestors were

English

oh yes my great grandfather

blood will tell you belong in the castle

she didn't have the complete picture no

I do think you should investigate the

situation Mr Clapper you might find that

you enjoy the English Country Life this

place in the country isn't it oh yes the

castle sits in the middle of ten

thousand acres oh you gotta be a heap of

land to work oh you don't have to work

we couldn't depend on granny he got her

back up by being old Bradley wouldn't

have to work either

sure ain't gonna get Jethro behind a

little mule dressed in them head Violet

clothes none of you has to work the line

you just enjoy it you see it's mostly

forests and streams yes you'd spend your

time stalking dear sh**ting grounds

fishing riding to the hounds

excuse me pal if in a way I donating can

I change back into my bridges it might

affection Ellie

isn't she beautiful can't you just see

her death the ballroom of the castle

Yeah yes with a long line of handsome

young Englishmen waiting their turn

well he'd meet some Fellers would you oh

Mr but your lovely daughter would be the

best

the best eye

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ball

we'll study on it we'll take some do and

swing your granny around

nobody throwing me in the Tower of

London or something either

get back into your Oaks clothes

are you rebooting not everybody listen

we can't show up at our castle without

we got us a Royal Oak I ain't open for

nobody wait a minute granny did you go

along as oh as quick as we get settled

I'll promote you

a scallion or sir

how about Trump a common skull a week

be a witch

how about a shrew oh all alone

now I have Critters that's the castle

hundreds of them there's a private game

preserved

where you going

don't worry it's in the bag you're right

where's Jeff he just went out the back

door please granny it commences are over

but you won't have to grovel and just

cringeless

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oh god there goes the trip to England

I think bartletters got to have yourself

a oh do you think I want to show up over

there looking like a dumbbell

but maybe even know you was talking

about it Mr Drysdale I ain't going if I

can't go like royalty and that takes a o

search out their own I have never let

you down yet

one oh coming up

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she's even more open than granny yes

isn't here Beauty good dance dirty to

the young master your teeth

make granny happy now she could be a

drudge or a troll or something

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like this

they sent us Twiggy didn't they

was just to keep Jethro happy

400 years all in good times now let's

not rock a happy book now you get busy

in a raise for passports and buy airline

tickets for all of us

what do you mean change

maybe

what are you doing dress like that

forget says I'm just as good as the rest

of you he says I'm the Royal granny he

can't just say so but he's got to be a

ceremony did he take his sword out and

Drug you of course not then it ain't old

fashioned he's a teen eater

Queen Elizabeth ever finds out the

shortcuts you peasants is taking you

oh shucks kneel down I'll do it myself

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out there granny you all right

it's sir granny now I've done been

dressed that's right Paul we saw one big

royal family you ain't going to the

passport office dressed like that are

you put on your radio dance oh my God

sure just a minute he's going to a U.S

government office right right

is it respectful to show up at a place

like that wearing strange clothes no it

ain't so get out of it

yeah sure right what's proper around a

castle in England is one thing and we'll

be the judge of that when we get there

but as long as he's in this country

dress American I'll get changed

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hey is this place where you get

passports that's uh

all right we take corals please sir

thank you and I'll uh take your

applications one at a time who would

like to be first I'll go first because I

was one with the education that way they

can see how it's done fine raise your

right hand please

[Laughter]

yes sir

state your name please Jethro and your

surname sir Jethro

that's all right Jeff

yes sir sir Jethro de Bodine head

Bartlett to the Royal Family

that's fair

royal family yes sir I think it is Earl

Clampett his sale the girl is my Royal

cousin she used to be an open but I've

done that at her

his magic he didn't want us to wear no

Royal arraignments till we got over to

our Castle

with a wall around it and towers and

Dungeons and such

and bars on the Windows sure lots of

attendance the gasoline a castle without

its crawling with bartlets and trolls

and turtles and such

and keepers

tell me something sir Jethro

is this a rib

no sir that's a nose

you can't catch me or questions like

that study to be a brain surgeon

a brain sir check yes sir ain't that

Roundup again what's that boy Brittany

here become brain surgeon did not that's

right he was tour Twix not being a fry

cook

where's the hidden camera

you guys really had me going there come

on where's the camera do we need any

makeup it's right here huh

hi Alan

love yourself

you gonna give us our passport sure sure

I'm the Royal passport grammar

hi hi Margaret it's Joe I'm on hidden

camera

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hi kids it's Daddy I'm on television

he acts like his sword unheard enough

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come down from there we're busy oh a

miniature one of those little Japanese

jobs I ain't neither

hey Ellen really had me fools this is a

good side

we'll come back another time you get

some rest put your feet up

come on

he's a U.S government I'm kind of glad

he's going to England Excuse Me Miss

Jane I reckon you'd be wanting to wear

this on the plane oh Jeffrey

boys it's your own suit you left it at

the house

I can't arrive in England wearing this

you know just a dog gone minute are you

and Mr Drysdale promise me I'd have a oh

and we never break our promise England

expects every oath to do her Duty the

pardon me chaps

I uh

I must speak to one of my clubs

it's bad enough I got to travel without

Moro Raymond and my Falcon but a knight

just can't show up without his own it

just ain't done I like that about you

Jethro you want to be authentic yes

ma'am and that's why I can't be your own

uh-huh I looked it up but an oath is a

man

yeah come to think of it all the

pictures I've seen a host and Maze and

such was men there you are but where am

I going to find me a man off this Lake

not all beings here in a fortnight sir

Miss Hathaway so Jethro is waiting for

his oath and we never break a promise do

we Chief never 100

coming up that's the spirit

I got me a real for sure

wait you you don't want to be seen with

me like this I just spent 500 with that

beautiful English outfit

now

can't let that go to waste how about it

yeah you're right let's go

granny sure there's no light showing

through Ellie you weren't sick pedico

well a woman has to be special careful

in England I hear the Sun never sets

there

no he ain't and if he makes us late I'm

gonna throw him to the beef eaters

yeah

well let's go

coach told you he wasn't going to put on

nowhere

oh I'm just wearing this to please Mr

Drysdale you don't want it to go to

waste where is Mr Drysdale remember Miss

James is going to take a later fight how

come well like he says wouldn't do for

no hope to be seen getting off the same

plane with us Royal folks the last time

I'm telling you we ain't gonna put on

nowhere don't worry I just

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do it now we'll miss our plane

but you can't take the country out of

the oak

foreign

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