01x03 - Who's Jeff

[bunniefuu]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

- ANDY: Hey!
- Are you... OK?

I just got hit in the
head with a shovel.

CASSIE: Why didn't you tell
me your dad was missing?

Tell me you found him. More
importantly, the money.

Is this a bakery or
a Chinese restaurant?

Both, yeah. Fusion.

CASSIE: You'll never guess

what I found.

The shovel. Probably.

The one that hit
you in the face!

- [PANS CLATTER]
- [GRUNTS]

CASSIE: Oh! f*ck!

She's gonna get rid of the body
by baking it into her pies.

If I help you find your dad,
you'll pay me the 5,000?

- Fine.
- [FIREARM CLICKS]

Looks like you uncovered
my little secret.

[TIMER RINGS]

I can't believe
you worked it out.

Look, uh, I'm... I'm sure
you have your... your reasons

and that is fine.

- It's fine?
- It's fine.

Of course it's fine.

- Totally fine.
- It's so fine.

- It's fine.
- Really fine.

- Tell her.
- I'm telling her.

Stop saying it's fine.

I know it's fine.

Circle-of-life sh*t.

What I don't know is who
you've told about it.

No-one. No-one.

And we... we... we are not
gonna tell a... a single person.

- Not a soul.
- Not a soul, no.

I mean, we... we... respect

the... the creative
process too much.

You know, all I really
frankly, to be honest,

all I care about is...
is the... the money.

Is getting the money.

- The money?
- Yeah. If you just...

If you just hand it over,

we're not gonna say
anything about this.

In case you hadn't
noticed, dickhead,

I'm the one holding the g*n.

That's fair. That's fair.

- Yeah.
- So, this is how it's gonna go.

Here.

What's... What are you...

- What are you doing?
- Take it.

Try it.

What?

I know your tastebuds
have been poisoned

by corn syrup and
processed sh*t,

but at least try it.

- No, thank you. I-I... It's...
- Eat it!

If you remember, I
actually had some

when I first came
into the store, so...

Not this kind, you didn't.

Please, I'm... I'm
begging you not to...

Eat the f*ck' pie or I'll
blow your f*ck' head off!

- I'll eat it.
- You're a vegetarian.

I wouldn't make you do that.

Eat it.

Be a big boy.

[FOIL CRINKLES]

Just getting it ready.

Big bite.

[LAUGHS]

Can't taste the
difference, can ya?

Mm-mm.

No. You are... What
is wrong with you?!

What? Too much coriander?

What kind of a sick f*ck

forces somebody to
eat their own father?!

- What's that, now?
- It's human flesh!

Specifically, my father!

Jesus Christ!

Of course it f*ck' isn't!

Oh, yeah? Then what's
Hugo's hat doing here?

That's my hat. Half the
f*ck' town has the same hat.

OK, why are you driving around
town in the dead of night

with a bloody shovel in
the back of your ute, then?

Because I pick up roadkill.

I collect it at night 'cause
I don't want people knowing.

Even though it's totally
environmentally friendly,

some people are
pretty narrow-minded

about this kind of sh*t.

OK, it's not as bad as we
thought, but it's still gross!

- I mean, what about hygiene?
- Uh, it's completely hygienic.

I only use the freshest kills.

Roos, dingoes,
wallabies, the odd emu.

So, that wasn't you

that hit me over the head
with the shovel last night?

If someone hit
you over the head,

you probably deserved it
for being a nosy b*stard,

but it wasn't me.

sh*t. Ah! f*ck! [GRUNTS]

Yeah, OK, we believe you.
Just put the g*n down.

- Promise not to say anything.
- Obviously!

We promise.

- [ANDY INHALES SHARPLY]
- Good.

Now, take your
unsophisticated palates

and get the f*ck out!

Come on. Let's just...

Psycho. Jesus!

[DOOR SLAMS]

f*ck' hell.

[SOFTLY] sh*t.

Oh, it has got too
much coriander.

[KOOKABURRA LAUGHS IN DISTANCE]

I thought you were
looking for your dad

because he's your dad.

I am.

But as soon as you think

you're being forced to eat him,
your focus shifts to money?

- What's that about?
- He has some money of mine.

I need to get it
back. That is all.

- It's not a big deal.
- Yeah, that checks out.

You only flew halfway around
the world for it. No biggie.

How is any of this
your business?

I thought I was helping you

get to the bottom of
your dad's disappearance.

Yeah, well, your
theory didn't pan out.

So, you know what?
I'm good. Thank you.

But you said... We
had a deal. Andy!

Andy!

['COLOUR TELEVISION' BY EDDY
CURRENT SUPPRESSION RING]

[BUZZING]

What do you want?

f*ck' onto you, mate.

♪ I switch on, I switch off

♪ I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off

♪ I switch on, I switch off

♪ I switch on, I switch off
I switch on, I switch off

♪ I switch on, I switch off I
switch on, I switch off... ♪

No, I haven't found him.

[YAWNS] But right now,
I need to go to sleep.

Well, you can sleep when
we get the money back.

'Night, Dom!

Oh, 'night!

Don't work too late.

No, no, no, I won't. I won't.

- [DOM CHUCKLES]
- OK.

[SIGHS]

Look, I think Liliana
suspects something.

[SCOFFS] No way.

All Liliana cares about

is who's bringing cookies to
the Compliment Circle this week.

- Andy, I'm telling you...
- LILIANA: Oh, is that Andy?

Is he really sick

or is he out on
other job interviews?

He hasn't seemed
happy here lately.

No, no, of course he's sick.

He's got a kidney
stone in his urethra.

- He almost died.
- LILIANA: Oh, God!

Poor Andy. I am so sorry.

DOM: No, no, no. It's OK.
You couldn't have known.

Tell him I hope he
feels better soon.

- I will. Have a...
- 'Bye.

Oh, g*dd*mn it.

That was impressive.

Andy, she's found
one of the accounts.

What? How?

I used a deceased client.

She saw that the account
had been reopened.

I told her it was
a mistake, but...

Look, I think she bought it,

but, look, man, to be
honest, I'm nervous.

OK. That just sounds
like bad luck.

No, man, I'm telling you,
man, she is sniffing around.

What if she finds one
of the other accounts?

She's not going to

because you're gonna make sure

that that doesn't happen, Dom.

Maybe I should just
close 'em all down.

No, you can't close
them. We're not done yet.

Well, look, man,
I gotta be honest.

I don't know how much longer
I can keep all this up.

Listen, the UAE
transaction is in 72 hours.

I will find the money.

It's gonna go through

and then we'll figure
out what to do next,

but right now, I
need to go to bed.

What the hell's going
on down there, Andy?

I haven't slept since I got here

and I almost ate
my dad last night.

I didn't almost eat
him. It wasn't my dad.

It doesn't matter. I feel
sick and I need to go to bed.

'Bye, Dom.

[SIGHS]

['MIND' BY KAS PRODUCT]

♪ Your mind is all you've got

♪ Try to keep it to yourself

♪ You told my mind that
I don't know how to feel

♪ I'm trying all this
time to know what is real

♪ You think about my mind

♪ So you see I won't get hurt

♪ And you say all the time that
I don't know what is real... ♪

Slowing down, thank you.

[BICYCLE BELL TINKLES]

NOEL: Bloody tourist!

[PASSIONATE MOANING AND PANTING]

Baby boy want an apple?

Uh, no, thank you. Um...

- Eat it.
- W-what?

- Bite it.
- [APPLE CRUNCHES]

Good boy.

You love it. Suckle on it.

Oh! Oh!

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Good boy.

Shouldn't you get
that? It keeps ringing.

Oh. Uh, f*ck'...

What?

ANDY OVER PHONE: This
is Andrew Pruden.

Oh! [CHUCKLES] I
knew you'd call.

OK, so, what's the latest?

- On what?
- My missing father!

[SIGHS]

Listen, sweetheart, people
disappear out here all the time,

never to be seen
or heard of again.

Some people fall off
the face of the earth

in violent, horrifying
circumstances

and some people who go missing

just don't want to
be found at all.

[RORY MUNCHES APPLE]

Have you ever considered that?

So, you're... you're
just not gonna look?

Look

I'm not saying don't
get your hopes...

Oh, no, wait. Yep, that's
exactly what I'm saying.

Thanks for calling.

- [AIR r*fle POPS]
- Ow!

Argh!

Hello?

- [AIR r*fle POPS]
- Ow! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! What the
f*ck? Who are you?

Watch the language, please!

Oh, hi. Did you...
Did you just see...

Never mind.

Uh, I was wondering if I
could use your internet.

- Innernet?
- Yeah.

- No, we don't have innernet.
- You... you don't?

Didn't I see the...?

Oh, internet? With a 'T'?

Yes, internet with a 'T'.

- Yeah, the 'T' is not silent.
- I didn't make it silent!

NOEL: Mm, sorta did, though.

You know what I'm...
What I'm asking.

- NOEL: Internet?
- ANDY: Internet.

- Internet.
- May I use your internet?

[FLY BUZZES]

NOEL: What's the
magic word, though?

Please?

Not that hard, is it?

No.

Did, uh...

Did Hugo ever use this computer,

you know, for online
banking or...?

I am not at liberty to...

Yeah, you're not
at liberty to say.

- You can't tell me anything.
- Absolutely.

You know your head's bleeding?

Oh, yeah. I fell
and hurt myself.

NOEL: Oh.

You can't use my internet

with a gaping wound like that.

I don't want blood
on my keyboard.

OK, well... [CLEARS THROAT]

Is there a bandage, maybe, or...

Oh, no, that's a nasty cut.

A bandage won't do.

Oh, I don't know. I suppose
I could stitch it up for you.

Ah, of course.
You're a doctor too.

Well, more of an amateur vet.

Yeah, I mean, I don't
wanna blow my own horn,

but I have been stitching
up animals for years.

There's not a dog in this town

that hasn't had my magic
fingers all over them.

- Lucky dogs.
- They sure are.

I think I'm OK
with the stitches,

but thank you anyway.

Alright, well, think
about it this way

when your dad comes back,

you can tell him that I took
care of his little baby boy.

Do you think my...

He's coming back?

Who knows? Maybe
he's on holiday.

Maybe something strange
happened or maybe

he never left.

So [SUCKS TEETH]

what'll it be?

[SIGHS]

It's like a museum in here.

Yeah, that's the plan, once
I've gathered enough artefacts.

Security cameras?

ANDY: Town this small?

NOEL: Yeah, you can
never let your guard down

where people are concerned.

I like to keep a
close eye on everyone,

especially those I don't trust.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Like who?

Oh, you haven't met
Jeff yet, have you?

No.

Who's Jeff? [INHALES SHARPLY]

- Argh, Jesus!
- Ah, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, don't worry.
You'll meet Jeff.

What's with the nurse?

Well, it's not a sex thing, if
that's what you're thinking.

I wasn't. It's... I just...

Well, that's lucky, 'cause
it's a tribute to my mother.

She was a nurse.

That was her uniform.
Any other questions?

Were you friends with Hugo?

Oh, sure. I love your
dad. Fantastic individual.

We're extremely close.

Oh, I mean, you know,
having said that,

I can see why people might
say we were... rivals.

Rivals?

Well, it was my idea
to run UFO tours

and Hugo did steal it,

but, to be fair,

anyone could have come up with

that exact same
incredibly specific idea

right after I told him about it.

I see.

That's just the kinda guy he is.

God, I miss him.

Hope he comes back soon.

Me too.

So, um

let me ask you something.

How do we know you are
who you say you are?

I mean, what are we to think?

You come in here out of
the blue looking for Hugo

like a debt collector,
not a long-lost son.

See, Americans always
want something.

If they can't turn a profit,
they just won't do it.

You watch too many movies.

I've never seen a movie.

I watch people.

And I can see in your eyes
that you want something.

Yeah.

I wanna know where Hugo is.

You mean your dad?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Alright.

Well, as a man from a nation

that understands the
importance of independence,

I wanna show you something.

Come on.

[SIGHS]

- Incredible.
- Mm.

- Is this your hobby?
- Oi! Hobbies are for children.

What you are looking
at is a model

for a future micro nation.

- ANDY: A micro nation?
- Mm. Nation within a nation.

See, what I aim to achieve
is the registration

of the Principality
of Bidgeegudland.

Just need everybody's votes.

Hugo was against it, naturally.

Maybe you can help me get him
on board, if he's ever found.+.

- Why would you wanna do this?
- Why wouldn't I?

You see, every government
in the last 200-plus years

in this country has been rubbish

and I am fed up recognising
their authority.

Much better to have a
self-governed nation,

you know, with our
own laws and currency

and flag and stamps.

I'm even working on
a national anthem.

- Would you like to hear it?
- Not really.

Good. Lyrics aren't
quite there yet.

Where's Hugo?

Well, I like to update
the model in real time.

Hugo's missing, isn't he?

So, it stands to reason

he's vanished from here too.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Oh, excuse I.

It's 47.50 for the stitches too
and I don't bulk bill either.

[PHONE RINGS]

NOEL: Hello?

ANDY: Hugo?

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[NOEL SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE]

Hey, Val, uh...

- There you go, darl.
- I didn't order that.

Well, it's poured now. I'll
just put it on your tab.

- Hey, have you seen Cassie?
- Yes!

She just rented the
room next to yours.

She told me to put that
on your tab as well.

Great.

Uh, Leon?

Enjoying our little
town, are ya?

Uh, not particularly.

And I actually don't really
have time for whatever this is.

Oh, yeah? How you
liking the people, mate?

They are fine.

Anyone in particular you liking?

Uh, you know, I'll think
about it and let you know, OK?

Hey, any of the,
uh, female women

in particular that
you're liking?

I don't know.

Just off the top of me head...

Audrey?

The pie lady?

Un-f*cking-believable, bud.

You been here for, what,
huh, five f*cking seconds?

You're already waving

your stars-and-stripes
d*ck around, aren't ya?

f*ck' the one woman who's
supposed to be mine, you dog!

What?

Yeah, I saw you leaving
her house this morning.

Was that you watching
me via that drone?

'Vee-a'?

You're not gonna distract me

with your bullshit words, mate.

Nothing happened.

Cassie and I went in to
talk her about something

and there was a little
misunderstanding about pies.

Oh, OK, what type of
misunderstanding, mate?

[STAMMERS] Doesn't matter.
Nothing. That's all.

Ask... ask Cassie.
Nothing happened.

sh*t! f*ck!

Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

I-I get a bit caught up in it
and I make dumb assumptions.

Yeah, of course Audrey's
not gonna be into you.

I mean, have a look at you.

You look like one
of those blokes

that tries to sell me
f*cking life insurance

or some bullshit, you know?

[SNORTS]

Well, glad I could
clear that up for you.

Anyway, if you don't mind,

I'm kind of in the
middle of something.

- Oh, yeah, righto. No worries.
- Yeah.

[EXHALES]

Hey, Andy

how do I make Audrey like me?

Oh, um, I don't know.
Just be yourself.

Oh, yeah, OK.

What if she doesn't f*ck'
like this myself person?

A f*ck' small town,
bud. Small town.

I can't just make an arse of
myself. What if she says no?

I f*ck' live here, man.

Uh, well, you know, Leon,

maybe just - I don't know -
make a joke out of it, you know?

Ask her out and if she says no,

then you can tease
her for thinking

that you were being serious

and then she looks silly
and you don't, so...

Yeah.

Mate, that is f*ck'
genius advice.

Genius. I'll just make
a f*ck' joke of it!

- Yeah.
- Yes!

Because then if she
says no, I can just say,

"What are you?
Stupid or something?"

"I was having a f*ck' joke,
you dumb f*ck' b*tch."

Well, maybe not
in those exact...

No, but that's good. Thank you.

- Are you gonna have that one?
- Knock yourself out.

Thanks, mate.

See ya.

[SIGHS]

That's some of the dumbest
advice I've ever heard.

There you are. Hey, uh, have
you met anybody named Jeff?

Jeff? Nah. Why?

Doesn't matter.

Uh, I need you to distract Noel

at the general store for me.

Sorry, did you just say 'need'?

I thought you didn't
need anyone's help.

Well, you clearly haven't
been taking the hint.

So, I'm working for
you? The deal's back on?

Say it.

- Say I'm working for you.
- OK, fine.

Yes, you, Cassie - I
don't know your last name

are officially
working for me, OK?

So, now can we maybe update
your resume some other time?

Alright. Distract Noel,
you say? Too easy.

['MIND' BY KAS PRODUCT]

♪ They're after us

♪ You've got to care

♪ I know what is the burden

♪ It's the money you want

♪ And the mind to k*ll

♪ It's the power of life

♪ And the lives you steal

♪ Exploit them and their minds

♪ It's for the good of mankind

♪ We want your mind,
we want your mind. ♪

[NOEL MURMURS ABSENT-MINDEDLY]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

What are you staring at?

Just your potential.

What?

- So, you dye your hair, right?
- No, I don't.

OK. Well, it looks great.

But how would you like
to look even younger?

Oh, no, not interested.

- It's free.
- I'll give it a go, sure.

CASSIE: Hm.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

So, is there a special
lady in your life?

Just get on with it, please,
before I change my mind.

[CASSIE CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]

It feels weird.

Uh, yeah, that's just the
minerals doing their work.

Mm, good. It is kind
of burning, though.

- Oh.
- I think I want to take it off.

Just give it a minute.
You won't regret it.

Oh, my God!

You look 18 months
younger at least. Wow.

Would you mind if
I take a photo?

Yeah, I would mind. No photos.

Oh, then a mirror. Look, look.

Come and... You have
to see it for yourself.

Hurry. Come and have a look.

I just think we've gone
a little bit far enough.

Oh, wow!

I look great.

Really great. I seriously
think I look younger.

What did I tell
you? It never fails.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This is how I look in my mind

before I look in the mirror.

You'll keep. [CHUCKLES] Stop.

Now, this over here is amazing.

Ah, ah, don't touch... Oh, look!

I told you. I spent
a long time on that.

I'm sorry. Oh, look at this
little crocodile. He's cute.

Mm, his name's Jeff.

He's the only animal
left in my private zoo

after Hugo let all
the other ones out.

Oh, sh*t.

[CASSIE CALLS OUT SOFTLY] Andy!

Andy!

- Andy!
- [WHISPERS] What are you doing?

Get back inside.
Get back inside.

[CALLS SOFTLY] It's Jeff. Jeff!

Jeff's a crocodile!

I can't... I can't hear you.

It's Jeff. The crocodile.

Oh, my God, who's Jeff?

Behind you.

[WATER SPLASHES]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

f*ck you, Jeff!

[DIDGERIDOO MUSIC]

[LAIDBACK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]

[PATRONS CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]

Do you think Noel
knew I was coming?

Maybe he's taunting you

like the Riviera Postcard
Bandit from 1977.

Who's that? Never mind.

Don't tell me. I can already
sense that it's irrelevant.

I think Hugo was in that
shed, but he was moved

and Noel put that dummy
in there to mess with you.

So, now we just have to figure
out where Noel moved him.

GERALDINE: Oh, yeah, I'd
love a beer. Thanks, Val.

- Mm.
- LEON: Oh, look out.

- GERALDINE: Mm!
- LEON: What's she doing here?

Mm! That's better.

Gonna make this little
announcement a bit easier.

[CHUCKLES] Alright, can
I have a bit of quiet?

[MUSIC SHUTS OFF]

Hugo's been found.

[ALL GROAN AND SIGH]

- How good's that?
- Uh, where is he?

Let me finish.

His body.

Hugo's been found dead.

LEON: Well, that's no good, hey?

GERALDINE: That's why
you don't interrupt.

['OPEN HEART SURGERY' BY THE
BRIAN JONESTOWN m*ssacre]

♪ I feel like letting you know

♪ Oh, oh

♪ How much I love you today

♪ Ay-ay... ♪