Princess and the Pirate, The (1944)

[bunniefuu]

That's not me, folks.
I come on later.

I play a coward.

[Grunting]

(Hook)
lower away.

Steady, easy as she goes.

Fill her in
and there she rests.

3 years of plunder
on the high seas.

Enough gold and treasure
to buy a continent.

And no one will ever know
where it is but you, captain.

This map is
the only key.

Very good, Mr. Pelly.

An excellent job of mapmaking.

Thank you, sir.

But just one thing, Mr. Pelly.

Yes, sir?

What if, by some ill chance,
I should lose this map?

Would you be able to draw me
another one from memory?

With my eyes closed, sir.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Thank you, Mr. Pelly.

[g*nsh*t]

[Laughing]

His eyes are closed,

But I do not see him
making another map,

And the same fate will befall
any other man jack among you

Whose memory is too good.

Back to the ship now,
my lads.

We have business to attend.

Hurry now.

Where to now, captain?

There is a packet called the Mary Ann
out of Liverpool for Jamaica.

We shall pay her a visit,
Pedro, my lad.

I know the Mary Ann well.

She carries no gold.

Uh, right you are, Pedro.

But I am informed
she has on board a jewel

Far more precious than gold.

[Chuckling]

A jewel with blue eyes
and silken hair.

You speak in riddles,
captain.

Perhaps, but I tell you,
my lad, there lives a king

Who'll pay
a million doubloons

To the one who returns
this jewel to him.

But I know of no such jewel.

Good. When you know too much,
you will follow mr. Pelly.

Make haste, you blasted sons
of unholy mothers.

We're off
for the mary ann.

Anything on the horizon,
captain?

A ship flying
friendly colors,

But I can't make out her name.

Hold your course.

Aye, aye, sir.

Your pardon, captain.

Miss warbrook says Sylvester
the great is at it again.

She can stand it no longer.

She desires you
to speak to him.

Very good.
I'll attend to it at once.

Keep a weather eye on that ship.
I'll be back shortly.

Aye, aye, sir.

[Knocking on door]

Yes? Come in.

Have you spoken to that
imbecile in the next cabin?

Yes, but he's rather
difficult to control.

However, I don't believe you'll be
troubled any longer, your highness.

Captain, I must admonish you.

It's miss Warbrook
on this voyage.

It slips out, princess.
Miss Warbrook.

I'm worried, my lady.

Should the king discover that
I assisted you in your flight--

You have been well-Paid,

and I assure you no
harm will come to you.

But, your highness--

All I want is
rest and privacy.

Please see that I get it.

As you wish.

[Woman screaming]

(Woman)
no, no, don't k*ll him!

Do you not know
he is your own father?

(Man) Father or no father,
this cur shall die.

Aha! Perhaps my sword
shall put an end

To your vain boasting,
Rodney Faversham.

Have it, you! Bah!
Have it, you!

[Woman screaming]

Have it, you!
Have it, you!

[Man groaning]

[Groaning continues]

That this
should happen to me.

Oh, I'm done for, I tell you.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, but don't be frightened.
I am just rehearsing.

This sword doesn't
really go through me.

I couldn't stand
that 5 shows a day.

I'm ticklish.
Pardon me.

I'm dying. Dying.

Dying. Dying.

(Sylvester)
oh!

[Gargling]

Death's rattle.
I'm dead.

I don't mean to intrude
on your rehearsal.

Oh, no, no,
not at all.

Sit down and take
a load off my eyes.

I always work
better with an audience

Especially when
they don't outnumber me.

Wait, I'll take off
this putty nose.

[Laughing]

Fools everybody.

Now look, I want to speak
to you about all this noise--

It'll keep.
Say, don't go away.

Here comes
the high spot of my act.

There's no limit
to what I can do.

That's not me.
That's a cat.

It keeps coming
here all the time.

Stage-Struck,
trying to get in the act.

Come on.
I've already got 7 faces.

I don't need
another puss. Ham.

Well, mr. Sylvester the great,
you've quite an act.

Now, I'm sure you've very
worked hard at it, but--

Well, I'm glad
you appreciate it.

My act is known
all over Europe.

That's why
I'm going to America.

I am sure you'll get
the reception you deserve.

Oh, naturally.
Say, here's a laugh for you.

Um, I know, you'll find
this hard to believe

But there's a weasel next door that
objects to my rehearsing my act.

Keeps sendin' the captain
in here, telling me to pipe down.

Hasn't got nerve
to tell me himself.

Well, the captain doesn't seem
to have much success, Sylvester.

I see you haven't piped.

No, I'm not goin' to.
You know what I did.

I walked right into the cabin,
and busted him right in the snoot

And him with
shoulders like that.

Sylvester, I have news for you.

I'm the weasel next door.

Yeah. Well, I told...

uh?

Please try the act in pantomime.

[Door shuts]

[Whistles]

[Mimicking high-Pitched voice]
no, no, do not k*ll him!

Do you not know that
he is your own father?

No, no.

No, no.

Um!

What did you say?

Nothing. I just said "um."

Oh.

Guess I can say "um."

[Laughing]

[Both giggling]

Well, what do you know?

What's that?

Nothing. I just said,
"what do you know."

Oh.

Say, take a look at what they said
about me in the Timbuktu bugle.

Boy, what a write-Up,
even mentions my name.

"Sylvester the great
attracts attention."

That's enough.

"Of all the actors who ever
played Timbuktu,

Sylvester the great
is probably the worst--"

And here's another one
from the Leningrad tattler.

[Speaking russian]

In russian,
that's a great compliment.

It means I'm a schlemiel.

Very few of us left.

[Chuckles]

You seem to have done
quite a lot of traveling.

Yes. With an act like mine,
it's safer.

I've been to a lot of places,
I've been to the indies, Europe, Africa.

And you should've seen the show
I did on the road to Morocco.

Were you good?

Good. I would have
been sensational

Only, some overage
crooner with laryngitis

Kept crabbin' my act.
I had to brush him.

You know, I-I've never
met an actor before.

Well, you stay away from 'em.

Most of them go right
on the make for a girl.

You know, I got a proposition.
A dame with your wardrobe,

I might be able to
use you in my act.

Sylvester,
that's very generous of you,

But I--I can't act.

Well, that never stopped me.

Besides, with your figure,
you don't have to act.

All you have to do is
stand there in tights,

Holding a tray with the stuff
for my different faces.

In fact, if we, uh,
get the right tights,

I might not have to
use so many faces.

(Lookout)
sail h*!

Ship closing in off
the starboard bow!

[Pirates exclaiming]

All hands on deck!

What is it,
lunch hour?

(Captain)
man the g*n stations, men!

I don't like
the looks of this.

What?

I hear there are
pirates in these waters.

Yeah, well, let them stay in the water.
They're dangerous on ships.

Sylvester, do you know
how to use these?

Do I know how to use these?
This is my racket.

What do you think
I wear 'em for, ornaments?

Sylvester, the b*llet
comes out this end.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It must be
an old model. Now watch.

[Captain yelling]

Wrong p*stol. That's
for silent pictures.

Wait a minute.

You see that seagull up there
on the deckhouse?

Watch me sh**t out
its left eye.

[Cannon firing]

Imagine what I could have done
if this g*n were loaded.

[Cannon firing]

Out of the way,
you leather-Mugged ape!

Are we fighting
or dancing the fandango?

See that flag?

You know what that skull and
crossbones stands for, don't you?

Yeah, iodine,
and we're going to need it.

That's the avenger,
the hook's ship.

The hook?

Yes. For 15 years he's sailed the seas,

thirsting for blood.

He ain't gonna
get a drink here.

Don't stand there.
Get me a lifeboat.

He'll make me
walk the plank.

I'll get my notices wet.
Come on. Don't...

fire!

Sylvester, I'm ashamed of you
hiding behind me.

Haven't you any backbone?

Yeah, but it's nothing
like yours.

Get up.
We must help fight them off.

What are you,
a man or a mouse?

A man or a mouse.
Why, I'm a...

where's mama?

We'll run alongside.

Lie flat until our bowsprit
tangles her rigging

Then board.
Aye, aye, sir.

[Continue firing]

[Men clamoring]

[Swords clashing]

[Groaning]

[Grunting]

Get going, man.
Get going.

What are you
doing in this fight?

I'm foreman.

Here, take your stand
by the mainmast.

Well, you heard the captain.

Take your stand
at the mainmast.

Mainmast? I wouldn't know
the mainmast if it fell on me.

[Swords clashing]

I had to open my big mouth.

Fellas, fellas, fellas,
excuse me.

All along the gangway!

Move lively.
Lively now!

I'll bash your head in.
Come on.

Oh, oh, pardon me.

So hard to get
coat hangers these days,

I thought
I'd use the hook.

The hook!

[Exclaiming]
the hook!

(Hook) Out of my way.
I'll slit his gizzard.

Oh, captain, captain,
the ship is ours.

The last g*n
has been spiked.

What further orders, sir?

Find the jewel that we seek and
see that no harm comes to her.

Spare all the women,
but k*ll all the men!

Aye, aye, sir.

Put 'em up,
put 'em up, I tell you.

One false move
and I'll let you have it.

[Grunts]

You got it.

[Screaming]

(Hook) Oh, curse you!
I'll cut out your gizzard.

You'll dance to
the devil's hornpipe

At the end of
the main yard!

(Hook) I'll slit his gizzard!
I'll cut him to ribbons!

Open that door,
you sniveling idiot!

Oh, plague and perish
your ugly bones!

[Snickering]

[Growling]

Where did he go,
that mangy hound?

I'll see
the color of his liver!

[Snickering]

Where is he?
Tell me where is he?

[Gibbering]

You addle-Brained old idiot,
what tongue do you speak?

It is the language
of the gypsies.

I learned it from my grandmother,

gypsy Rose Lee.

[Laughing]

Enough, old pig.

Tell me where he went
or I'll slit your gullet.

If you mean my son,
he was so fearful of you.

He dove through yon window.

Over yon.

Through yon window?

Over yon.
To a watery grave like this.

Of course, he was
much thinner than I am.

So you're his scurvy
cow of a mother.

I have a mind to
carve you to ribbons.

Well, I'm not really
his mother, you know.

You know how gypsies are.

No, but I can rip you
open and find out.

[Cannon firing]

Why, the blundering swabs,

They're blowing her up
and me still aboard.

I'll have those devils

Swinging from
the yardarm for this.

[Cannonball exploding]

Blowin' up the ship.
He better hurry.

He'll be blown to bits.
What about me?

Wait.

[Cannonball exploding]

Stop! Don't!
Don't you recognize me?

I'm tryin' to tell you,
I stole these clothes.

I'm your shipmate, Charley.

Why, of course,
it's Charley.

Hi, what have we here?
Who are you?

Me? I'm Charley's aunt.

[Laughing]

[expl*si*n]

The pretty mary ann will sail
the seas no more, captain.

[Laughing]

Blown to Davy Jones'
locker, she is.

Right well done,
my lads.

Broach another cask
of rum on the main deck.

This day's work will be
heard of far and wide.

And the crew that did it
shall not go thirsty.

Aye, captain.

But the jewel of which
you spoke, captain,

Where is she?

Come, you shall see.

[People clamoring]

[Men laughing]

The hook is lookin' at you.
Maybe it's me.

Sylvester, you should be ashamed
of yourself in that disguise.

Why don't you die
like a man?

Because I'd rather
live like a woman.

[People clamoring]

Now I'm not so sure.

You see, pedro, did I exaggerate?

Fetch her to my cabin.

Here come, me jewel.

No harm will come
to you, fair lady.

You are the honored
guest of the hook.

[All laughing]

Tell this filthy cutthroat
to take his hands off me!

You hear, Pedro?
Our fair jewel has spirit.

Aye.

Handle her gently,
but be off with her.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Well, I've got something
to say about this.

Yes, what have you
got to say?

I... goodbye, Margaret.

[All laughing]

Who brought this
old hag on board?

She wouldn't bring a farthing
in the sl*ve market.

Slit her gullet and throw
her to the sharks.

Aye!

[All cheering]

[All laughing]

Please, captain, let me
have this wench for myself.

Everybody on board always gets somethin',

but I never get nothin'.

[Laughing]

What am I laughin' at?

She ain't much to look at,

but she's good enough
for old featherhead.

Now, now wait a minute.

What say ye, my lads?

Shall we give the old hag
to the toothless one?

(All)
yes!

[All laughing]

Never let it be said, lads,
that the hook isn't generous.

Take her, toothless one,

But when you sober up,
I'll warrant you'll regret it.

[All guffawing]

Did he hurt you, honey?

I'm black and blue.

But don't worry, dear.
You're in my hands now.

That's what
I'm worried about.

Come, sweets.

Where are you takin' me?

To my quarters where we can be alone,

just the two of us.

Oh, but couldn't we be
engaged for a while?

I want you to respect me.

Ah, remember,
I saved your life.

From now on,
you're mine.

You'll do anything
I ask you to. Anything.

Oh, but if we wait,

We can have a little rose-Covered
cottage in the country.

I can see you now, coming home

After a hard day
at the asylum,

Me laying out your pipe
and slippers and straitjacket.

- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait!

Uh--Uh--Uh--Uh--Uh.

Let's be fair.

Now, my little gypsy
sweetheart.

You come near me,
and I'll scratch your eyes out!

Hmm.

Just as I thought.

You are not a woman.
You're a man.

Oh, don't be silly.
I-- I just had my hair cut.

I couldn't get
any bobby pins.

Anyway, it's much cooler
these hot nights.

You're a man.
I knew it all along.

You didn't fool me.

Nobody ever fools me.

Of course not.
How can anybody fool you?

You're too smart.

Smart.

They think I'm an idiot.

But little do they know,

Little do they know,
how smart I really am.

Well, let's keep it a secret.

If you don't tell anybody
I'm not a gypsy,

I won't tell anybody
you're not an idiot.

Shh.

You see these
pictures on the wall?

I'm the ship's tattooer.

They think that's all
I'm good for.

For 10 years,
they've beat me and kicked me,

But I'll get my revenge.

They've treated me
like a dog, a dirty dog,

But now I've got you
for a partner.

Yeah, well, toss me a bone

And let's get out
of here, huh?

Shh.

[Whispering] no one must
know our secret.

I'm going to help you
to escape.

Escape?
Well, tell me more, tyrone.

Oh, you're going to
repay me for my help.

Listen, listen to
everything I say.

I've stocked the dinghy.

There are enough provisions
in it for 10 days at sea,

And if you follow the course
I have charted for you,

You will arrive at
the island of Casarouge.

Casarouge?
What will I do there?

You will go to
the boar's head inn

And you'll ask for my cousin,
Pierre Lamonte.

This is him.

He forgot to shave this morning.

Ah!

Uh-Uh, you will give him this.

It contains
the blood of 1,000 men.

The blood of 1,000 men?

Pretty anemic, weren't they?

[Laughing]

Hey, what are you doing?

It's all right.
It's all right.

This is a map to a treasure
worth 15 million gold crowns.

I stole it from the hook.

But once you escape,
he'll think you stole it.

You think
he'll be mad?

Mad!

Why, if he ever catches you,
he'll cut off your legs

And your arms and your ears
and your nose.

You mean,
he'll streamline me?

And then he'll slit
your gullet.

I knew he wouldn't
forget that.

Stop wavin'
that knife at me.

But this knife is
to close our deal.

Uh?

We'll both sign
a pact in blood.

In blood.
Couldn't we use ketchup?

No, blood.
It's my knife.

So it'll have to be your blood.

Yeah, but I've got
a knife of my...

[screaming]

Blood. Now,
we're partners forever.

Come, I'll show you
to the dinghy.

Hmm. Runs his own
blood bank.

Shh.

Shh.

[Woman shrieking]

You stay here, featherhead.
I've got business.

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

What do you want?

Uh, fortunes told. Fortunes told.
No charge today.

Have your palm read.

Hmm, very interesting.

I see you have no trouble
opening beer cans.

Out of my cabin, old hag,
or I'll slit your gizzard.

Gizzard? What happened
to my gullet?

[Screaming]

It's a trick. You'll pay
for this, both of you.

[Screaming]

[Guffawing]

[Grunts]

Oh, curse you for
a lily-Livered witch!

You'll dance
the devil's hornpipe

At the end of
the main yard.

I'll cut out your
gizzard this night.

Come on, come on,

let's get out of here.
I've got a boat.

Are you all right?

You look like
you're gonna faint.

No, I'm all right.
I'm all right.

Hurry, hurry. We must get to
the boat before it's too late.

Say, wait a minute.

How do you get to
this burg, this Casarouge?

With a ship's compass and a
well-Marked chart in the dinghy,

A fool could follow it.

Oh, you coming
along with us?

Yeah, yeah.

Sylvester, please
forgive me for thinking

You were a coward.
You're a real hero.

Hurry.

Goodbye, featherhead.

Goodbye.

Say, don't forget
to give that envelope

To my cousin at
the boar's head inn.

He'll pay you well
for your trouble.

You can't miss him.
He looks just like me.

He's twice
as smart as I am.

Oh, a half-Wit, huh?

[Laughing]

Does the compass say
we're on our course?

I don't know.
How do you wind this thing up?

Sylvester, it's a compass.
It always points north.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, it's no good.

We're going south.

Why did you do that?

Now how are we
going to get there?

Don't worry,
I'll work it out. I'm part indian.

Sylvester, tell me,

Why did you risk
your life to save mine?

I figured I could
use you in my act.

Now that's the only reason,

So don't keep
asking me about it.

Sylvester.

Come here.
Sit by me.

Now tell me the truth.

Why did you expose yourself
to such danger to rescue me?

Oh, I don't know.
I guess I was so excited,

I forgot I was a coward.

I don't believe you.

Oh, I suppose
you think I did it

Because I'm falling in love
with you or somethin'.

Are you?

Don't be silly.
Why should I fall for you?

You're talkin' to Sylvester the great,
the man of 7 faces.

I've got a girl for every face.

Sylvester, whatever the reason,

I owe you a lot more
than I can ever repay.

It was a very brave and
noble thing you did for me.

Yeah, I know.

I must have been
out of my mind.

I guess the real reason I did it

Is because you're such a nice kid.

Hey, don't do that.

I might get to like
that kind of thing.

First thing you know,
you'll be gettin' ideas

Like wantin'
to put your arms around me

And hug me and kiss me,

And kiss me, don't you?

No, sylvester,

It wouldn't be fair to those 7 girls
who are in love with you.

I know how they feel.

You do?

Because of love,
I disobeyed my father

And ran out on a marriage

Into one of the noblest
royal families of Europe.

Oh, sure, sure. Next thing
you'll be telling me

You're a princess
or something.

Maybe you're right, Sylvester.

Maybe it is the next thing
I'll be telling you.

Maybe it is.

[Chuckles]

I'd better get you in
out of this cold air.

You're breakin' up, kid.

Sylvester, Sylvester, we're here.

It's Casarouge.
We've made it.

We did?
I told you if you'd relax

And leave it to me,
I'd get you here.

How do you feel, Sylvester?

Have you still got those
butterflies in your stomach?

Yeah, but now they're
wearing roller skates.

Well, you'll be all right now.

Say, let's get up on the dock.
I need some rest.

This town looks like
a nice, quiet place.

(Man) Help! Help!
Help! Help!

Well, so you're
still alive, huh?

Hey, hey stop him! Hey!

Hey, stop 'em,
those 2 men.

Didn't you see that?

They just m*rder*d a man and
tossed his body into the water.

Why don't you do somethin'?

It's all right.
They have a permit.

Oh, they have a...

oh, my mistake.

For a moment, I thought they
did somethin' ill*gal. That's, uh...

it's all right.
They have a permit.

Hmm.

Nice characters here.

Everybody in town
must be featherhead's cousin.

Well, we'll find out
soon enough.

We should be at the boar's
head inn any moment.

(Bandit)
put 'em up.

Nice morning,
isn't it, citizen?

Yes, it is.

Hey, look, isn't there somethin'
we can do about that?

[Woman screaming]

[Screaming continues]

I wonder what they do
around here for excitement.

Sylvester, look.

I can't stand any more.

Look, the boar's head inn.

Featherhead couldn't have
been entirely insane.

There is such a place.

Oh, good. Then he must
have a cousin.

Featherhead said
he'd pay us.

Let's give him this thing,
get the money,

And run out of town while
we still got legs. Come on.

Good morning.

This is the boar's head inn,
isn't it?

Well, spit it out.
What's your business?

We're looking for a gentleman
named Pierre Lamonte.

Yes, we've got
somethin' for him.

Well, you're too late.

He left here yesterday,

Said he won't be back
for a fortnight.

Oh, we can wait till tomorrow.

Sylvester, a fortnight is 2 weeks.

2 weeks? Well, how are we
gonna live?

What are we gonna eat?

I mean, we're not satisfied
with just anything.

You'll have to put us up
in one of your best suites.

And remember we're very
particular about our meals.

And I'm very particular
of getting paid for them in advance.

Uh, monsieur Lamonte is
supposed to have money for us.

Now, perhaps if we
could locate him--

That ain't likely.

Nobody knows
where he goes off to.

But he always comes back with
gold and jewels and money.

Sometimes,
I think he ain't honest.

Money. Sometimes,

I think we'll wait here
till he gets back.

Now, if you'll please
show us to our rooms.

Follow me.

Find out where
she gets her permanents.

Well, here you are.

This is the finest room
in the inn.

I call it
the peach bloom suite.

Peach bloom? When do they
sweep up the pits?

Is this intended for me?

Yeah.

Where's my room?

This is for both of you.

Oh, I think there's
been a mistake.

We're not married.

No, she's still courting me.

This is the only
room in the inn.

You can take it
or leave it.

Well, we can always
go to another hotel.

Ah, but there is
no other hotel.

But in a place this size,
there must be.

Well, there was
another hotel,

And it gave me quite
a bit of competition, too,

But only last week,
it burned down mysteriously.

Remind me to wear
my asbestos pajamas tonight.

I see you haven't
got much baggage.

In that closet there,
you'll find some clothes.

You can have 'em
if you want 'em.

They belonged to
the last tenant. He died.

What did he die of?

Nonpayment of rent.

Oh, natural causes.

I hope it's not contagious.

Sylvester, I can't stay here.
I've got to get to Jamaica.

Somebody here
might recognize me.

Say, what's all this 10,
20, 30 stuff about you?

What's the mystery?
Who's gonna recognize you?

Why, anyone
in Casarouge might.

Sylvester,
I must tell you the truth.

I am of royal blood.

I've run away,
and there's a price on my head.

I'll take it off
and we'll pay the room rent.

But I tell you,
I am the princess Margaret.

You're a princess?

You better stop
smokin' that corn silk.

You're snappin' your cap.
Princess.

All right,
believe anything you want.

But you've helped me
this much.

For heaven's sake,
help me get to Jamaica.

I'll reward you handsomely,
Sylvester.

I'll pay you 5,000 doubloons.

Oh, sure. You're carrying it
around in your bustle.

You've had it all the time.

In the meantime, I've got to pick up
a few pennies for us to eat on

Till featherhead's
cousin comes back.

Say, maybe the guy
that had this room

Left a little silver
laying around here.

Hey.

Hey, case this handbill.
"Ye Bucket of Blood."

"Casarouge's moste refined saloon.

"5 acts of ye vaudeville

Also ye goldwynne girls"

Bucket of blood, that's what
I've been lookin' for.

I'll wade in there
and get a job.

Oh, you sure
they'll hire you?

Oh, it'll be easy.
They've probably heard of me.

If they haven't,
it'll be easier.

I bet they haven't had high-Class
entertainment here in years.

Maybe it'll work.

Sure.

Oh, Sylvester. What salary
are you going to ask for?

Oh, my usual salary.

But, Sylvester,
we've got to eat.

[People chattering]

[g*n firing]

Oh, I'm sorry.
This dance is taken.

[Laughs]

[Exclaims]

Nice sh**ting, senor.

Good shot.

Hey, this body, it's dead.

Heart failure.

Heart failure.
Look at that.

He's not cleaning a pipe.
He just k*lled this guy.

Why don't you go over
and tell him?

Why don't you?

Well, he probably
knows it by now.

He's don Jose Ramon
Sebastian Alvarez.

This unfortunate dog
has done a very bad thing.

He's cast his shadow
upon him.

Oh, bad casting, huh.

What happens
to the body?

They leave it
out in front.

The collectors come by once a day.
Oh.

Twice on saturday.

Oh, that's all right.

I was afraid
they'd accumulate.

You sound
like a stranger.

You haven't lived in
this town very long, huh?

Does anybody?

What do you want here?

Well, I came to
talk to you on business.

I'm buying bodies
for a medical school.

No. That's just a gag.
I'm looking for a job.

Come with me.
Let us sit down.

Hey, your shadow!

Send for the collector.

Oh, please, don Jose!
He's a stranger in town.

He--He doesn't know
the rules.

Well, you will teach him
or I will.

I'll go to night school.
I'll work it out.

Wait till you pay
the tax.

[Mumbling]

Sit down. What is
your business, stranger?

Oh, I'm Sylvester
the great.

You know, the great Sylvester.

The name has no meaning.

Oh, you're buried here
in the sticks.

They know me everyplace else
in the world.

I can top any act you've
ever had here in Casarouge.

Oh, you wish to entertain?
That's right.

What do you do?

Here's my act.

I walk on the stage,
and I open with a smash.

Then I build.
I've got one of the...

[men yelling]

What happened?

He didn't finish
his drink.

It's an insult here,
when you're drinking with someone

Not to drain the last drop.

Really? The last drop?

What'll you have?

A very short beer.

2 short beers!

Now about that act of yours.

You know, my customers,

They like to watch
beautiful women.

It's kind of a hobby with them.
That's funny.

Sounds like something
that might catch on.

Now, if your act had
a pretty girl in it...

oh, that's amazing
that you should say that.

The other half of my act
is over at the boar's head inn.

But the name of your act,

I thought you
worked by yourself.

No, no. We just call
the act "Sylvester the great"

Because she insists on it.

This dame of mine
has so much oomph--

"Oomph." What's that?

Oomph? You know,
that's with a...

oomph, it's a sort...

have you got
a sweater around here?

Well, never mind, you'll hear
about it sooner or later.

Now what do you say?
Do we get the job?

Perhaps I give you
a trial tonight.

That's great.
What about the money?

Money?

Money, that stuff.
It, uh... money, it looks like, uh...

it...

That's funny. I've forgotten
what it looks like.

If my customers like your act,
they throw gold on the stage.

What do they throw
if they don't like the act?

Lead.

I had to ask.

2 short beers.

Oh, I'm not going in there.
That's over my head.

Come, we'll seal
our contract with a drink.

Come, drink up.
You do not want the job?

Come, come, no man who refuses to
drink with me walks out of here alive.

[Men chattering]

[Hiccupping]

No, thanks, I've had enough.

Drink!

It's funny how quick
you can develop a thirst.

Pardon me.

I think I'd better be
burping along.

Well done, stranger.

I like a man who
can drink like that.

And now, you're
going to drink with me.

Hugo, bring it over here.

Sylvester, are you over
the effects of that beer?

Yeah. Yeah, that was a good idea,
hanging me up by my feet for 3 hours.

Now, listen honey,
I'm gonna go on first

And get 'em in the mood.

When I give you the cue,
you come on.

If you're not doing so good,
I'll come on again and save the act.

But what do I do?

You gotta sing or dance.

You can't just stand there.
After all, these...

oh, you can just stand there.

But, Sylvester, when you're on,
who'll be looking at me?

I will.
Boy, are you well stacked.

Listen, I wanna
tell you something.

This stuff you been spreading
around that I'm falling for you?

- Yes?
- Well, some of it's true.

But don't let it
go to your head.

This act's gotta be
a real partnership.

If everything works out well,
you get 10% of the take.

Thank you, Sylvester.

I knew I could count
on your generosity.

There's no use hogging it.

(Audience)
we want the actor!

Hey, you hear that?

Boy, they really
want me out there.

In another minute, they'll be
coming up the stage.

I hope they
haven't got ropes.

Don't kid around
about things like that.

Come on.

[Men screaming]

Shut up!

Gentlemen, tonight we have
a special treat.

An act unparalleled
in theatrical history

Fresh from
a triumphant tour of Europe.

Now, let me present the world's
greatest quick-Change artist

Sylvester the great.

That's me.

The man of 7 faces.

(Man)
let's see the other 6.

[All laughing]

Who said that?

I did, you sniveling
wooden-Headed baboon.

What about it?

[All laughing]

Oh, gentlemen, please.
Give him a chance.

We just finished
cleaning the blood

Off the stage
from the last act.

Yes, we--

Go ahead, Sylvester.

Gentlemen, my first
quick-Change is so fast,

I do it right in front
of the audience.

I'm an old man.

I'm a very old man,
and I have seen much of life.

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

[All laughing]

(Sylvester)
now, wait a minute, fellas.

This is going too far.

Now, I don't mind people
throwing vegetables, but you...

[laughing continues]

Told you, I don't mind.
No mayonnaise?

Now, my next impersonation--

We don't like actors
that do impersonations.

[All agreeing]

Let me introduce
sylvester the great,

World's greatest
soft-Shoe dancer.

*[music playing]

[Glass shattering]

[g*nshots]

We don't like
actors who dance!

What kind of actors
do you like?

(All)
dead actors!

[g*nshots]

That's your cue.

[All exclaiming]

I always get a big hand
like that when I go off.

[Coins clinking]

Pardon me,
we're k*lling them.

[All laughing]

*[music playing]

How would you like
to kiss me in the moonlight?

How would you like
to hold me in your arms?

When your arms
are so inviting

How can you keep from
turning on your charms?

Wouldn't you like my head
upon your shoulder?

Isn't that where you
feel it ought to be?

While the night
is so exciting

Wouldn't you like to
fall in love with me?

I've got what you want

Darling, what's more

You've got what I want

So what are we
waiting for?

Nothing is so
romantic as a june night

Specially when
the devil's in your eye

How would you like
to kiss me in the moonlight?

You wouldn't like it
half as much as i

'Cause I've got
what you want

Darling, what's more

You've got what I want

So what are we
waiting for?

Nothing is so
romantic as a june night

Specially when
the devil's in your eye

How would you like
to kiss me in the moonlight?

You wouldn't like it
half as much as I

[All applauding]

[Cheering]

Well,

Say, not bad, not bad.
You stick with me,

And before you know it,
I'll be wearing diamonds.

Have we enough
to get out of Casarouge?

That's all I wanna know.

Hey, what for? We've
stumbled onto a hot racket.

This is something the act
never had before, money.

A couple of weeks of this

Plus what we get from featherhead's cousin,

and we'll be set.

Did I do all right, Sylvester?

Yeah, OK for a beginner.

It'll take time,
but after a while,

You'll be able to k*ll an
audience the way I do.

Or vice versa.

Yeah.

Oh, very funny, very funny,
save it for the act, huh?

Sylvester, did you notice
that man in the front row?

I didn't like
the way he looked at me.

That's something else.

I could tell you
about that.

Or didn't your mother ever?

Say, but get this.
I know you did all right,

But don't let it
go to your head.

I don't want you
to become a ham.

The first thing you know
you'll be carried away.

Now, here we are.
I figured it all out

And your share of the take
is a nice, tidy sum.

What do you say?

Do you want me to
keep it for you, huh?

Margaret, Margaret,
where are you?

Margaret?

[Margaret screaming]

[Continues screaming]

(Coachman)
giddap!

Giddap!

Oh, hurry. Stop them.

Those men, my girl,

they're putting her in a wagon.
With horses.

They've kidnapped my act.
I'll starve.

I mean, I love her.

Too bad.
She was good for the act.

Yeah, that's what I mean.
Do something.

Guys can't just
see a pretty girl,

Grab and carry her off
like that.

Why not?

Why not?
What kind of town is this?

I wanna have
those men arrested.

Isn't there any law
around here?

Who can I go to?

Let's see.
There's the governor.

That's right.
Where does he hang out?

He has a big palace at the end of
town but he's difficult to see.

Is that right?
Well, I'll see him.

There's only one
thing on my mind,

To rescue the woman I love.

Whoops.

Citizen to see the governor
on a matter of civil complaint.

I've always wanted
to play the palace.

Your name, citizen?

Sylvester.

What's your last name?

Crosby.

I can't help it.
That's the name they gave me.

Of course,
I'm a little thin for it.

Yes, yes, what is it?

Citizen to see you with a complaint
about law and order.

Approach, citizen.

Speak up.
What's your complaint?

Well, I wanna ask you what kind
of town you're running here?

You may not believe this,
but a big, fat, greasy slob

Comes into the bucket of blood
and runs off with my dame.

He's a big, dirty rat,
and I want justice.

I'm just as good as he is.

Are you?

Well, practically,

But he's a nice fellow
when you get to know him.

No hard feelings.
So you took a fancy to a girl.

Everybody likes a pretty face.

I like a pretty face
myself.

How interesting.

It is unfortunate
that you do not have one.

Everybody's a comedian.

Furthermore, the young lady
you are concerned about

Happens to be my guest.

And will remain so,
until I'm ready to dispose of her.

Have you any further
complaints, citizen?

Oh, yes,
but they're just little ones.

I don't wanna take up
your time with them.

Well, I'll be going.

I'll be staying.

That's very kind of you.

Now, just precisely,

What is your interest
in this young lady?

You gotta be careful with her.
She's no ordinary girl.

You don't know who she is.

Who is she?
Well, she's a...

she's a, a princess.
That's what she is.

A princess.

Of course, you'd never
think of it to look at her.

On the contrary, you would.
She's the princess Margaret

Who has run out on her royal
marriage to the duke of Rochefort

To marry a commoner.

She was?

I mean, she did?
I mean, she is?

I'm asking a ransom of one million
doubloons for her return.

Oh, then she was
telling the truth.

Hey, that's a lot of money.

So you're the commoner
she loves.

Well, can I help it if a princess
loses her head over me?

Oh, no.

You're quite likely
to lose yours over her.

Oh, you wouldn't do that.
I'm so young.

My head, why,
I've hardly ever used it.

When the ransom is paid,
I shall return you both to the king.

He will throw his arms
around her neck,

And a rope around yours.

Oh, he wouldn't be
interested in me. I...

I believe otherwise.

I'm asking
100,000 doubloons for you.

Oh, but that's kidnapping.
You can't do that to me

Or do you have a permit?

Guard,

Show our guest here to
his quarters in the west wing.

Quarters? I don't live here.

Oh, but you do.

You may even do
more than live here.

Oh, what do you mean?

What else can you do
besides live?

Don't tell me. I got it.

You shall enjoy
my hospitality

And have the freedom
of the palace.

But I would not advise you
to attempt to escape.

You know what this is?

I hope it's not
what I know it is.

It is.

The jibaro tribes
of South America

Have developed the art
of shrinking human heads

Down to this size.

After much
painstaking research

And a great deal of practice,

I have learned their secret.

It is now one of my hobbies.

Hobbies!

You heard the governor.
Show me to my quarters.

Somebody ought toget you
interested in collecting stamps.

Oh!

No, no, flunky,

Tell the queen that king Sylvester
cannot be disturbed.

I'm sleeping.

A beautiful handmaiden
is approaching the windows,

Parting the curtains

For her royal master.

Another lovely tomato
pulls down the covers

Stroking my forehead.

Wake up. Wake up, master.

Go away, will you,

I'm dreaming of
beautiful girls.

[Sighing]

They're real.
And in technicolor, too.

Your bath is prepared,
master.

His excellency,
the governor,

Awaits your presence
at breakfast.

Do you girls come in here
every morning?

Yes, master.
Every morning.

Boy, what a union.

We go now,
but any time you desire us,

You have but to reach over
and pull the bell cord.

I have to reach
all the way over there?

Yes, master.

Ring the bell once for Suzanne,
twice for Nanette,

And 3 times for Yvonne.

When you hear that thing,
all of you come.

Never mind for whom
the bell tolls.

[Girls giggling]

Oh, well, I can wait.
What a racket.

[Exhales]

Psst!

Margaret. Psst! Psst! Psst!

Margaret.

Margaret.

Margaret! Shh.

Margaret.

[Sylvester whispering]
Margaret.

[Blowing]

[Whistles]

Margaret!

Oh.

Good morning.

[Knocking]

Shh

Sylvester, are you all right?

What are you doing here?

And in these clothes?

In these clothes?
I came to get you out.

This isn't halloween.

Oh, Sylvester,
I'm so glad you're here.

I'm frightened of La Roche,
the way he looks at me.

Yeah, we got a lot in common.

Sylvester, I must get out
of here at once.

I've gone on a hunger strike
to try to hold la roche off,

But I don't know
how long I can go on.

Well, you just keep that up.

I'll try to sneak
some food to you somehow

[Knocking on door] until we
can figure a way to escape.

- I would like to see you, me lady.
- La Roche.

He thinks
I'm your boyfriend.

If he catches me here
in this slipcover,

He'll shrink my head into
an umbrella handle.

[Knocking continues]

Don't worry,
I'll see you later.

A bed with fender pants.

(La Roche)
Open up.

Quick, under here.

You try my patience,
your highness.

I'm not in the habit
of pounding on milady's door

Like an impetuous schoolboy.

And I'm not in the habit
of receiving uninvited visitors.

My dear, you will
get used to it in time.

Come, let us sit down.

I've spent a restless night
thinking of your beauty

And the proximity
of your quarters.

Does that please you?

No.

I demand that you
release me at once.

I tire of your
silly dramatics.

I've come to ask you
to breakfast with me.

I must refuse.

Very well.
As I've told you before,

I abhor using force
on a beautiful woman.

I'm willing to wait an hour,
a day, even a week.

I have infinite patience.

(Margaret) I assure you
it will be of no avail,

No matter
how long you wait.

You will come around
when you get hungry enough.

You will find me
of strong will, La Roche.

You must know I am
not one to be frightened

By the threats
of such as you.

You will discover
I am a man

Who does not hesitate to
carry out his threats,

my dear princess.

I can be most ruthless
when the occasion demands.

I will starve to death before
I will accede to your wishes.

Come, let's be practical.

It will be many weeks before
your ransom is forthcoming.

We will both grow lonely.

And if you think
you can bribe

Any of my servants
to bring you food,

I must tell you that
I have given orders

To chop off the hands of
anyone attempting to do so.

Oh, yes,
I have news for you.

Your lover is here
in the palace.

He is my prisoner.

My lover?

Oh.

Frankly, I can't understand
your taste in men.

You resist me

But for this little anemic,
pot-Bellied worm...

of course he has
a quick and pleasant wit

But as a figure of a man,

I've thrown the carcasses of better
than he into my trash cans.

Surely he is not
worthy of your attention.

I must ask you to leave now,
your excellency.

That's no way for
a guest to treat her host.

Come. A generous
good morning kiss before I go.

No, no, let me go.

For the luxurious
accommodations

I've provided you,
your highness,

I deserve some reward.

You shall have your reward
on the gallows.

An excellent reply,

But it doesn't
alter my intentions.

There now.
That wasn't so bad, was it?

I am leaving now
for a sumptuous breakfast.

Should you change your mind,
you may join me anytime.

I wish you a hearty appetite.

[Door shuts]

[Panting]

Sylvester, are you all right?

All right?
This used to be my left eye.

Sylvester, I've been
waiting for you.

Well, food, too.

Have I missed
much of the floorshow?

Why, you look beautiful.

I hope the boys in the
poolroom don't see me.

I see you have
all the accoutrements.

I have?

[Sniffing]

[Laughs]

Sit down.

What a drive-In.

Will you have
one of these chickens?

No thanks,
I got 3 of my own in my room.

Oh, you mean the kind
that don't fight back?

[Chuckling] I'm sorry.
You may leave.

Now be serious, Sylvester.

Try later, girls.

I have asked you
to breakfast with me

Because I believe
you can help me.

The king's ship
is due here before long

With the ransom
for the princess.

In the meantime,

I should like to enjoy
my fair guest's company.

If you can assist
me in this endeavor,

You'll find
great favor with me.

If you don't...

quite so.

The princess is very stubborn.

This morning, she refused
to breakfast with me.

I know.
I mean, I knew she would.

Now, if you could
persuade her

To abandon this
foolish hunger strike.

Oh, don't worry.

The way things
are working out,

I doubt she'll be able to hold out
more than 2 or 3 months.

2 or 3 months?

Well, you know,
those new short months.

There are times, sylvester,
when I begin to doubt.

(Hook) Out of my way, swine!

No one stands in
the way of the Hook.

Ah, capt. Barat,
always the dramatic entrance.

I had expected you sooner.

I must talk to you,
La Roche, at once.

And alone. It's all right.
He's a guest of mine.

How much are you asking for him?

Come, join us for breakfast.

Oh, there's no time.

Stand guard and see that
we're not disturbed.

Sylvester, where are you going?

I'll stand guard
at the other side.

No, no, I want you two
to know each other.

Sylvester, this is my
great friend, capt. Barat,

Better known as "The Hook."

Thank you.

Sylvester, don't leave.

Sit down.
You haven't eaten a thing.

Capt. Barat.

La Roche, I bear ill tidings
concerning our treasure.

You've safely concealed it as
I've instructed you, haven't you?

Aye, but it cannot be recovered
without a map I had made.

And the map?

Oh, blast me for
a blundering fool,

It was stolen from my ship.

Stolen!

A curse upon you, barat.

I've strung men
to the gallows for less.

How did this happen?

It was stolen by
an old hag of a gypsy

That I captured
from the Mary Ann.

How did you manage
to let an old gypsy

Steal a parchment
worth the ransom of 10 kings?

She escaped from the ship.

She took a dinghy
and escaped.

Fool! Fool!

Plague and perish her ugly bones,
I shall have her.

We found the dinghy here,
in the harbor of Casarouge.

In Casarouge?

Yes,
that only means one thing.

The gypsy is here
right under our very noses.

When I get my hook
on that old gypsy,

I'll tear her innards out,
piece by piece.

I'll twist her arms
out of their sockets.

The town shall be ransacked
from top to bottom.

Anyone found in possession of the map
will be tortured and hung.

We'll have a public hanging right here
in the palace grounds.

No, no,
leave that old gypsy to me.

Hanging is too good.

She shall be
boiled in hot lead.

What's wrong with hangin'?

Haven't we met
someplace before?

Oh, I don't think so,
I've never been there.

But your face--

Oh, never mind
about that face.

What about
the princess Margaret?

Wasn't she
aboard the Mary Ann?

Did she slip
through your fingers, too?

Oh, the princess Margaret.

You were misinformed.

She was not
aboard the mary ann.

(La roche)
oh, that's too bad.

If you had her in
your possession,

You would divide
the ransom with me, huh?

Why, of course.

Naturally, if I had
her in my possession,

I'd divide
the ransom with you.

And if I had her
in my possession,

I'd divide the ransom
with both of you.

Sylvester likes to make jokes.

I'm sure your face is familiar.

No, no, it's just the jokes.

I tell you,
I'm sure I've seen you--

And I'll be seeing you
sometime, too.

Well, I gotta go now.
Toodle-Oo.

Don't take any
wooden doubloons.

Well, how about that.
How do you...

I thought I might get
a little hungry before lunch.

I tell you, the 2 of them
are working together.

And the hook kept
staring at me.

He's suspicious.

You gotta keep
out of sight, too,

Or he'll figure
the whole thing out.

Look in the lining
of your coat,

See if there's
a grape or something.

I know you're hungry,

but so is the hook,
and it's for my blood.

He's got it in his mind that
I stole a map or something.

Even if it's just the pits of a grape,
I'll eat them.

You don't hear me
talking about food.

Listen to what I'm saying.

If he finds out
who stole his map--

Map? What map?

How should I know?

Some treasure map.
It was stolen.

Treasure map?

That's what must be
in the envelope

Featherhead gave you
to give to his cousin.

You mean I've got it?

But I'm not
allowed to have it.

Do you know what they're gonna do
to whoever has that map?

Come here.
Look out this window.

Look, look at them building
that gallows out there.

They're not gonna use
that noose to rope a moose.

That's slumber lumber.

What are you going to do?

Do? That map is in my room.

I'm gonna get rid of it.

They're not gonna put me
on the swing shift.

What are you
gonna do with that?

Oh, it's you, is it?

Yes, surprised?

[Laughs]

I'm gonna ram this thing
down your throat.

What's the idea of giving me
a thing like this?

You know what they do
for having it?

Yes. Isn't it wonderful?

Wonderful! Are you crazy,
or am I crazy for asking?

All things of value
involve a risk.

This being the most
valuable thing in the world

Involves the greatest risk.

Not for me.
I'm getting rid of it right now.

I'm burning it, see--

Oh, no, you won't burn it.
Oh, I won't, won't I?

No, you won't,
my gypsy friend.

Because I trust you.

We are partners
in this forever.

Together, we will be rich.

We'll be rich if I have to cut out
your heart to make you rich.

You can't scare me.

Anything that happens to me,
happens to you.

How would you like the Hook to find
out you gave me this map?

But the hook won't find out.

Yeah? I'm gonna
make sure he doesn't.

And this man who is now
the governor's prisoner,

You say he performed here?

With a beautiful girl?

Yes.

What kind of
an act did he do?

He did impersonations.

Impersonations?
What sort?

Well, to hear him tell it,
he could do anything.

An old hunchback,
a young nobleman, a buccaneer,

An old gypsy.

Gypsy?
He imitated a gypsy, did he?

That's the foul dog,
all right!

I knew he looked familiar.

Let us make haste.

I will cut out that rogue's
tongue and watch him eat it.

Wait,
do not rush into a trap.

You are going hoodman blind
into this venture.

Steady, my young c*ck.

What is this you say?

I say La Roche
will have you dance

The devil's tattoo
on the air with your heels.

He has the princess
and he has the gypsy.

And so I say,
he has the map, too.

By the great horn spoon,
you may be right.

Round up the men and prepare
to sail at midnight.

I will go to La Roche
and have this out with him

And while I am there,

I will lay my hook
a fathom deep

In the liver of
a certain slant-Nosed gypsy.

But, La Roche,
you cannot trust him.

But I have no proof
that La Roche knows

That his guest
and the gypsy are one.

But I tell you this,

If I'm not out of
that palace in an hour,

You and the men are to storm
the walls and get me out.

Good. And what of the map?

Have no fear,
I will have it.

And if La Roche is innocent,

You may be
assured of one thing:

The gypsy still has
the map on him.

But, honey, I was only tryin' to
teach you how to swim.

Oh, it's you.

What's the idea,
mashing my potato?

Forgive me,
my dear partner,

I didn't mean to
hit you so hard

But you shouldn't
make me angry.

When my blood boils,
I become insane.

You must have been percolating
the day you were born.

That thing, the map!

I told you we've got to
get rid of it, you creep.

This is practically
a signed death warrant.

You're right.

Whoever is found with it
on him will be hung.

They're not gonna
find the map on me.

I'm gonna tear it up.
Oh, no.

Even if you tear it up,
it will not disappear.

That's right.
They might find the pieces.

I better burn it
like I wanted to.

Burn it?
You can't burn it now.

Yeah, they might smell smoke
and then find the ashes.

I know what I'll do.

(Messenger) Proclamation
from the governor!

Hear ye. Hear ye!

Death to the holder
of the map!

Death to the holder
of the map!

Hear ye. Hear ye!

Did you hear that?

Yes, it seems to have
gotten around.

Yeah, well, I'll get rid
of this map if I have to eat it.

Say, that's a good idea.
We'll eat it.

I-It can do no harm
and I'm hungry.

Wait a minute.

Why are you in such a sweat
to get rid of it now?

'Cause I'm smarter
than you are,

And I'm only an idiot.

[Sniggering]

You wearing
woolen underwear?

Here's a drumstick.

Hey, say,

Have you tried any
of the colored parts?

Tastes pretty good.

I'm still
on the white meat.

Hey, give me another piece.
I like it.

Was your mother ever
frightened by a goat?

We're doing it the hard way,
but I'm glad of one thing.

I'm getting this
map off my chest.

Getting the map
off your chest.

[Cackling]

Come on, come on,
lay that egg

And get it over with,
will you?

[Knocking on door]

Sylvester, are you in there?

Just a minute.

Quick, come on.

Hurry, get in the closet.

(La Roche)
Sylvester, open.

Here, in case
you get hungry.

Sylvester, open up.

Come, Sylvester,

I want you to
take a walk with me.

I have something to discuss.

Sylvester, will you help me

With a little
problem of mine?

Mmm?

Now you won't be afraid to answer
my questions honestly, will you?

Mmm-Mmm.

What was your impression
of capt. Barat?

Mmm?

You know, the hook.

[Coughs]

My impression exactly.

But suppose his story is true

And the culprit who stole the
map is within my grasp.

Whatever gave you that idea?

What's the matter, man?

What have you got
on your chest?

I think I'm breaking out.

I ate something
that didn't agree with me.

I better go on a diet.

No, no, it is our climate.

I was often troubled myself
until I built a sulfur bath.

I take such a bath
every night.

Tonight you will join me.

You and I are gonna
take a bath together?

Why not?

I'll scrub your back
and you may scrub mine.

I don't like the odds.

Quite a tasty layout
you have here.

Yes, I like to live well.

My need for money is great.

That's why it is important
that we find the map soon.

Didn't you know?
Come along.

Convertible top.

Ha, you monster.

[Exhales]

(La Roche)
Come, Sylvester.

Here.

Come, man,
the water is just right.

Remove your undergarments.

I'm bashful.

Oh, come, come.

Stop acting like
a coy young maiden.

Take it off.

No, I like to keep it on.

It's the only way
I can get my laundry done.

Stand back. Here I come!

Come on.

Sylvester, where are you?

Here.

Sylvester.

Here.

Sylvester, listen to me.

Here!

Stop it, man.
What are you doing?

I was just
looking for the soap.

Oh, here it is.
I'll soap your back first.

What's the matter with you?

Now look--

What are you doing?
What is it?

Curse you for a lubberly oaf!

This is the last time
you shall make sport of me.

What do you mean,
bursting in on us like this?

Wanna get in trouble?

Trouble, is it?

Careful, he's my guest.

Guest?

He is the gypsy.

Gypsy?
Have you lost your wits, man?

I can prove what I say.

[Gasping]

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
I'm coming out. Wait.

This dog will talk
or I'll slit his gullet.

Come gypsy, the map,

Or I'll carve
your hide to ribbons.

The map! The map!

He had it tattooed
on his chest!

No.

You see, La Roche?

By heaven, it is!
I've been hoodwinked.

Luckily the gallows
are ready.

Just a minute,
I can explain everything.

- Go ahead.
- I...

come to think of it,
I can't.

Hold it!

Stop him! Stop him!

(La roche)
Don't let him get away, barat.

Slit his gullet.

Stop him!

Sylvester, what's the meaning
of this?

Quick, my chest.

That idiot featherhead.
Look what he did.

- What is it?
- It's the map, I've got to get it off.

- I'll tell them it was a mirage.
- What are you trying to do?

[Knocking on door] I'm gonna make
a clean breast of it.

Who's that at the door?

It ain't opportunity.
I'm gettin' out of here.

[Screaming]

[Exclaims]

Wait a minute,
hooky, old boy,

I can explain everything,
wait, wait.

[g*n fires]

[Featherhead laughing]

There, Mr. Hook.
That squares our account.

[Spits]

I have your map
and your life.

Now we must get out of here.

Stop reading my mind.

Quite a job I did, huh?

I'm an artist and so are you,
sylvester the great

And I have
a plan for our escape.

Yeah, I know your plans.

I bet this time
we chew each other up.

No, this is a clever plan,
though risky.

Now wait a minute,
I got a plan, too.

Not as good as mine.

I hate arguments,
don't you?

[Both guffawing]

If I didn't know who you was,
I wouldn't know who you was.

Say, maybe this is
the eighth face

I've been looking for.
Come on.

Where are we going?

We've got no time
for the princess.

I've got to get you
and the map out.

You take the map
and I'll get the girl.

No, we can't do that,
can we?

Halt.

Out of my way,
you lubberly oaf

Or I'll slit your gullet and
shove it down your gizzard.

Begging your pardon.

I have orders to
let no one in--

Quiet! You mangy hound,
a pox on you!

I'll flay thy bones.

I'll carve thy
filthy hide into ribbons.

Yes, capt. Barat.

Come, my proud beauty!
A pox on you.

Avast, ahoy,

you'll come with me
before I slit thy gullet.

Sylvester, what's the matter
with you?

Where did you pick up
that kind of language?

You didn't fool her.

Somebody tipped her off.

Oh, now I understand.
You're supposed to be the hook.

Yeah, that's the general idea.

Not bad, a boot hook.

I've got brains.
We better get out of here,

Before they scatter
all over the joint.

Halt! Halt!
Stop those men.

Where you going?

And you,
get back to your room.

You dare speak
to the hook that way?

He'll cut you to shreds.

The whole scurvy lot of you.

Oh, he will, will he?

Away, la roche,
a pox on thee.

The gypsy is slain.

You can have the blasted map
and the blasted treasure.

All I want
is the blasted gal.

I'll see you around sometime.

You're not leaving,
my good friend.

By the bait or spoon,
shiver my timbers, avast, ye lubbers.

Ye dare stand in my way
and I take this hook

And I'll rip
out your innards.

So you're frightened.

You see,
I have the upper hand, I...

No wonder. "Made in japan."

Enough of this masquerade.

To the dungeons with them.

Yeah? You think you can
take me alive, huh?

How did you know?

Ouch, ouch.
Wait till I get you outside.

[Men yelling]

Have no fear, captain.

We'll wipe out
these curs and set sail.

Go to, my lad, go to.

Aye.

I'm going, too.

Carry capt. Barat
to the ship at once.

This wench, take her along,
too, captain's orders.

[Groans]

Capt. Barat, and wounded.

A present from the governor.

That fat pig
must think me dead.

But I shall return
and teach him differently.

Give me that cloak.

Remove your shoes.

Uh, captain.

Uh, capt. Barat,
you've been hurt.

Aye, I'll flay their bones,
a pox on them all.

La roche shall pay
for this treachery.

I'll chop off his liver.

Say, that might be
pretty good, chopped liver.

Stand guard
till we cast off.

Aye, aye, sir.

Better make haste,

or La Roche and his
troops will be upon us.

La Roche, a pox on him,
I'll flay his bones.

I'll slit his gullet,
I'll bury my hook in his gizzard.

I'll carve him to ribbons,
I'll slay his gullet.

I'll rip open his gizzard.
I'll hoist him from the yardarm

And let the crows
pick out his eyes.

I'll return with 1,000 men

And hang La Roche
from his own gallows.

Stand guard
till we cast off.

Aye, aye.

(Guard) Stand by yon main
topsail halyards!

Hang sheets and places.

Captain,
we stand ready to sail.

What orders?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, aye, aye.

Avast the mainsail,
hoist the rudder

Scuttle the portholes, unfurl the anchor,
and shiver my timbers.

Any questions?
I mean, aye!

Methinks, captain,
the blow on thy head

Has cluttered thy mind
for the moment.

Methinks a little rest.

Methinks so, too.
Get this ship out of the harbor

And head north for Jamaica.

North to Jamaica!

But--But, captain,
the treasure lies south.

To the north lies danger.

To the south is safety.

We're always certain
of friends in the south.

Oh, a democrat, huh?

Fetch me
the princess Margaret.

Bring her to my cabin.

I've got the parcheesi
board all set up.

Aye, aye, sir.

(Hook) Let go of your forward lines.
Down helm.

[Laughing]

Well done, Pedro.

We're under sail before La
Roche can gather his wits.

- Head due south.
- South?

But captain, did you not
want us to head north?

You're not here to question,
but to obey.

South, I say.

Aye, aye, sir.

Head due south.

South it is, sir.

Oh, captain,
here is princess Margaret.

Take her below
and put her in irons.

I'll settle with her later.

Uh, but, captain I thought you told--
What?

Does everybody aboard
question my orders?

Take her below!

Why do you stare?

Anybody would think there's
something peculiar about me.

[All laughing]

I will dress.

Perhaps then you will not
find me so amusing.

Where's the princess?

Well, I put her in irons
as you ordered.

Oh, that's fine.

Irons? I told you to
bring her to my cabin.

Hurry or I'll slit
your gullet.

Hurry!
Aye, aye, sir.

Give me that bottle.

Aye, hatch the poop deck.

Don't push me around.

What's going on here?

Here's the princess, captain.

What? You stupid pig!

Put her in irons!

But captain,
you told me--

I told you to
put her in irons!

Give me back my bottle.

Hear this, you men,

I don't want to see
the princess

Until I give the order.
Understand?

(Man) What's the matter
with the captain?

Where's the princess?

Well, where is she?

Marshal took her
away as you ordered.

Have him bring her back.
Immediately!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I'm begging
your pardon, captain,

But didn't you just
have your underwear on?

I still got it on.
What am I, a nudist?

[All chattering]

Here she is, captain.

What, again?

Take her away.

Take her away,
you bumbling baboon.

Are you all mad
as well as deaf?

Where's the princess?

Who do you think you're
monkeying around with?

I'm the hook.

H-O-O-K-E.
Fetch me the princess.

I grow impatient.

[Growling]

[Laughs]

For a minute,
I thought I was busted.

[Screams]

So, gypsy, we meet again.

Wait a minute, you're dead.

Am I?

No. No, I guess it's me.

You know, sylvester,

I feel that all these terrible things
that have happened to you

Have been my fault.

Isn't that funny,
I feel the same way.

Well, I'm going to do something
to make it up to you.

It better be good.

These ain't charm bracelets we're wearing.

You got a nail file?

Sylvester, I was
saving this for myself.

It contains only one b*llet.

Yeah, I know how you feel,
princess.

Make it fast. I don't want
to watch you die.

Oh, no, sylvester.

At least I know what the hook
has in store for me.

But you, I shudder to think
what he'll do to you.

Here.

No, I must be brave
and face it like a man.

Close your eyes
and I'll sh**t you.

No, I can't let you.

I'll sh**t you.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Where are you gonna do it?

It'll be merciful,
sylvester.

Right through the brain.

Merciful?

Couldn't you just
sh**t me in the foot

And let me bleed
to death slowly?

No.

[Cannonball exploding]

[Groaning]

Goodbye, my dear.
This is fini.

The curtain rings down
on the great sylvester.

Not to cheering crowds,
but in a filthy dungeon.

But, Sylvester--

Tell them I died nobly,
bravely.

But Sylvester,
I didn't sh**t you.

What?

It must be La Roche,
he's trailed us.

He'll have his revenge
this night.

Fire at will.

[Chattering]

Blast them from the sea.

'Tis the hook's ship.

Our search is ended.

Return fire!

Sylvester,
the cannon have stopped.

It must be la roche's ship.

They're boarding us now.

Oh, I can feel my head
getting smaller already.

You're wanted on deck,
my lady. You, too.

If I wasn't chained...

Sylvester,
they want us on deck.

Yeah, La Roche.

Ok, hand me my harp
and let's get going.

Well, what do you know,
they've hooked the hook.

Now that I've got the chance

I want to tell you,
all the time you were chasing me

I was putting on an act.

I bet you thought
I was scared,

I bet you thought I was a coward,
and shaking in my boots.

Boo!

I bet you were right.

Well, featherhead.

Don't worry about a thing.
I'll get you out.

Oh, no. I like it.

[Laughing]

Father! Oh, father!

Thank heaven
you're unharmed, my child.

How do you like that?
The king.

Hi, your honor.

How's the queen
and all the little jacks?

I'm a card.

[Laughs]

I just...

father, how did you
ever find me?

And we thought
you were La Roche.

La Roche is my prisoner.

He turned blubbering coward
when placed in the rack.

He told all
and gave me the course

The hook must sail to retrieve
his buried treasure.

And now, my child, you're safe
with me once again.

You mean,
you're taking me back?

No, dear,
I've learned the futility

Of trying to impose
my will on yours.

Marry whom you wish.

You have my blessing.

Oh, father.
You'll not regret this.

I love him,
though he's but a commoner,

A humble servant
of your majesty.

But he's so kind,
and so noble, and so--

Handsome?

And he's right here
on this ship.

Of course,
I'm not working steady,

But what does
that mean to a king?

A little dowry,
you'll never miss it--

Are you?

Darling!

My darling.

(Bing Crosby)

Stick around, son,

Something older
may show up for you.

How do you like that?
I knock my brains out for 9 reels

And a bit player from Paramount
comes over and gets the girl.

This is the last picture
I do for Goldwyn.

Pardon me.

Don't make
a meal out of it.

Go sell your rack,
shellac.