Gods Must Be Crazy, The (1980)

[bunniefuu]

It looks like a paradise,

but it is in fact

the most treacherous
desert in the world...

The Kalahari.

After the short rainy season,

there are many water
holes, and even rivers,

but after a few weeks,

the water sinks away into
the deep Kalahari sand.

The water holes dry up,
and the rivers stop flowing.

The grass fades to a
beautiful blond color

that offers excellent
grazing for the animals,

but for the next nine months,
there'll be no water to drink,

so most of the
animals move away,

leaving the beautiful
blond grass uneaten.

Humans avoid the deep
Kalahari like the plague,

because man must
have water to live,

so the beautiful landscapes
are devoid of people...

except for the little
people of the Kalahari.

Pretty, dainty,
small and graceful,

the Bushmen.

Where any other person
would die of thirst in a few days,

they live quite
contentedly in this desert

that doesn't look like a desert.

They know where to dig for
roots and bulbs and tubers,

and which berries and
pods are good to eat.

And, of course, they know
what to do about water.

For instance, in
the early morning,

you can collect
dewdrops from leaves

that were carefully laid
out the previous evening...

or a plume of grass
can be a reservoir,

and if you have the know-how,

an insignificant clump of
twigs can tell you where to dig,

then you'll come to light
with an enormous tuber.

You scrape shavings off it

with a stick that was split
to give it a sharp edge.

You take a handful
of the shavings,

point your thumb at
your mouth and squeeze.

They must be

the most contented
people in the world.

They have no
crime, no punishment,

no violence, no laws,

no police, judges,
rulers, or bosses.

They believe that the gods
put only good and useful things

on the earth for them to use.

In this world of theirs,
nothing is bad or evil.

Even a poisonous
snake is not bad.

You just have to keep
away from the sharp end.

Actually, a snake is very good.

In fact, it's delicious,

and the skin makes a fine pouch.

They live in the
vastness of the Kalahari

in small family groups.

One family of Bushmen might
meet up with another family

once in a few years,

but for the most part,

they live in complete isolation,

quite unaware that there
are other people in the world.

In the deep Kalahari,

there are Bushmen

who have never seen
or heard of civilized man.

Sometimes they hear
a thundering sound

when there are no
clouds in the sky,

and they assume the gods
have eaten too much again,

and their tummies
are rumbling up there.

Sometimes, they can
even see the evidence

of the gods' flatulence.

Their language has an
idiosyncrasy of its own.

It seems to consist
mainly of clicking sounds.

They're very gentle people.

They'll never punish a child
or even speak harshly to it,

so, of course, those kids
are extremely well-behaved,

and their games are
cute and inventive.

When the family needs meat,

the hunter dips his tiny arrow

in a brew that acts
as a tranquilizer,

so when he shoots a buck,

it only feels a sting,
and the arrow drops out.

The buck runs away,

but soon it gets very
drowsy and it stops running.

After a while, it
goes to sleep...

and the hunter
apologizes to his prey.

He explains that his
family needs the meat.

The one characteristic

which really makes
the Bushmen different

from all the other
races on Earth

is the fact that they have
no sense of ownership at all.

Where they live, there's
really nothing you can own...

Only trees and
grass and animals.

In fact, these Bushmen
have never seen

a stone or a
rock in their lives.

The hardest things they
know are wood and bone.

They live in a gentle world,

where nothing is as hard
as rock, or steel, or concrete.

Only 600 miles to the
south, there's a vast city...

and here you find civilized man.

Civilized man refused
to adapt himself

to his environment.

Instead, he adapted his
environment to suit him,

so he built cities, roads,
vehicles, machinery,

and he put up power lines

to run his labor-saving devices,

but somehow, he
didn't know when to stop.

The more he improved
his surroundings

to make his life easier,

the more complicated he made it,

so now his children

are sentenced to 10
to 15 years of school

just to learn how to survive

in this complex and
hazardous habitat

they were born into.

And civilized man,

who refused to adapt himself
to his natural surroundings,

now finds he has to
adapt and re-adapt himself

every day and
every hour of the day

to his self-created environment.

For instance,

if the day is called Monday
and the number 7-3-0 comes up,

you have to dis-adapt yourself
from your domestic surroundings

and re-adapt yourself

to an entirely
different environment.

8-00 means everybody
has to look busy.

I've got a very good story here
about handicapped children.

Handicapped children?

No!

You don't...

Yeah, all right.
Look, I'm sorry.

I'll only print
sweetness and light,

even if it bores
the pants off them.

10-3-0 says you can stop
looking busy for 15 minutes...

and then you have
to look busy again.

Hi, Kate. Hi, Pete.

Think you can use this?

It's about the shortage
of teachers in Botswana.

Good story?

Yeah, they're so short,

they'll take anybody
who can read and write.

I got bawled out for
writing a story on mugging.

He says my page should
have sweetness and light,

like Liberace and
Jackie Onassis.

And so your day is
chopped up into little pieces,

and in each segment of time,

you have adapt to a
new set of circumstances.

May I share a table?

No wonder some people
go off the rails a bit.

Does the noise in
my head bother you?

No.

Pete, Have you
still got that story

about the teacher
shortage in Botswana?

Yeah. You going to use it?

No. Maybe they can use me.

But in the Kalahari,

it's always Tuesday,
or Thursday if you like,

or Sunday.

No clocks or calendars
tell you to do this or that.

Lately, strange new things
sometimes appeared in the sky...

Noisy birds that flew
without flapping their wings.

One day, something
fell from the sky.

Xi had never seen
anything like this in his life.

It looked like water,

but it was harder than
anything else in the world.

He wondered why the
gods had sent this thing

down to the earth.

It was the strangest
and most beautiful thing

they had ever seen,

and they wondered why
the gods had sent it to them.

Pabo got his finger
stuck in the thing,

and the children thought
he was very funny.

At first, Xi tried the
thing out to cure thongs.

It had the right shape
and just the right weight.

It was also beautifully smooth
and ideal for curing snakeskin.

And Pabo discovered
you could make music on it,

and every day, they discovered
a new use for the thing.

It was harder and
heavier and smoother

than anything they'd ever known.

It was the most useful thing
the gods had ever given them,

a real labor-saving device...

but the gods had been careless.

They had sent only one,

and for the first time,
something could not be shared,

because there
was only one of it.

Suddenly, everybody
needed it most of the time.

A thing they didn't need
before became a necessity,

and unfamiliar
emotions began to stir,

a feeling of wanting to
own, of not wanting to share.

And other new things came...

Anger, jealousy,
hate, and violence.

Xi was angry with the gods.

He shouted, "Take
back your thing!

"We don't want it!

Look at the trouble it brought."

But the gods did
not take it back.

He shouted, "You must be
crazy to send us this thing!

Take it back!"

Then he shouted,
"Look out! Look out!"

But he spoke too late,

and the thing felled
his daughter, Dani.

Xi carried the thing away
from the shelter and buried it.

That evening, there
was no laughter

and no chatter
around the family fire.

A strange feeling of shame
had come over the family,

and they were very quiet.

Xi said, "I have
buried the thing.

It will not make
us unhappy again."

That night, a hyena smelled
the blood on the thing,

and dug it up...

but a bad-tempered
warthog chased the hyena

away from her territory,

and it dropped the thing.

The next day, Dani found it.

Her brother, Toma,
heard her playing on it,

and he said, "Let me
try. Let me try too."

That night, the family
was very unhappy.

They began to
talk about this thing

that had come into their lives.

They did not have a name for it.

They called it the "evil thing."

Gaboo said, "Perhaps the
gods were absent-minded

"when they dropped
the evil thing on the earth.

"They've always sent
us only good things,

"like the rain, the trees,
and roots and berries to eat.

"because we are their
children, and they love us,

but now, they've
sent us this evil thing."

Xi said, "The thing does
not belong on the earth.

"Tomorrow, I will take
it to the end of the earth

and throw it off."

Gobo said, "I think the end
of the earth must be very far.

"I think you will have
to walk for 20 days.

Perhaps 40."

Xi said, "I will start
walking tomorrow."

2,000 miles to the north
in the state of Birani,

trouble was brewing.

It's 35 million to
combat erosion

in the Moda valley,

and 6 million for improvement
of the breeding stock...

Hold it, minister.
We can't expect...

Get out, my fellow.
We need the car.

That was Sam Boga's g*ng.

You said they were in Cabinda.

That's what I thought.

How many got away?

There were two
jeeps. Four got away.

Sam Boga was there?

No.

This time, he's got to die.

Find him and k*ll him yourself.

Bring him here.

Where is Sam Boga?

Where is your hideout?

Bring the one in the corridor.

Bring that one.

Where is Sam Boga?

Where is your hideout?

Take them...

to the helicopter.

They went south.

I'll direct you from
the helicopter.

Yes, sir.

Gas guzzler.

Four of the eight assassins

got away in two jeeps.

The other four were shot
down in the Cabinet room

by the security
guards of the president.

The assassins were
wearing the brown T-shirts...

which have become the
trademark of the t*rror1st g*ng

led by the notorious Sam Boga.

However, eyewitnesses
state that Sam Boga himself

did not take part in
the assassination.

It is assumed that he
masterminded the attack

from a hideout some
distance from the capital.

Government sources announced

that the assassins k*lled
the ministers of education,

public works and agriculture.

The president,

who miraculously
survived the hail of b*ll*ts

with only a flesh wound

will be addressing the
nation in a few moments.

We did it! We did it!

We got the president,

and we got five
of his ministers.

You didn't, you know.

That's him.

It was the will of the
Almighty that I was spared,

but we deeply mourn the deaths

of three members of my Cabinet.

We extend our
deepest sympathies...

He's lying. We got six of them.

I saw them go down.

You k*lled three
and wounded five...

and you lost four.

Why do I have to
work with amateurs?

Did you get away clean?

Yes, we were in and
out in two minutes.

They will never find us.

Attention.

What happened?

We ran out of gas.

How long ago?

About 15 minutes, sir.

Okay, let's go!

Now, you tell me.

Where is Sam Boga?

Where is your hideout?

Next time you're
going to be a bit higher.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you!

The banana forest at Dumgaze.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you!

I'll show you.

The banana forest at Dumgaze.

I'll tell you. I'll
show you where.

Dumgaze. Do you hear me?

Right here, general.

Banana forest at
Dumgaze. Follow me.

Right, general.

The man we want
to get is the president,

not the bloody
Minister of Education.

Understand?

I'll come with you.

We'll get him in his bed.

Cover up! Cover up!

Mount the bazooka.

Move it, move it!

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

Now take cover.
You, you go there.

Not there, you bloody
fool. Get out of there.

Well?

They're there. They're there.

You cannot see
them, but they're there.

Okay.

You see? There they are.

Okay.

No, hold it.

Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

Cut it out, man!

Okay.

Born to be our champion.

You showed them.

Beautiful, man.

Quiet.

Stand by.

Let's go.

The most inquisitive creature
in Africa is the baboon.

He said, "That is a very
evil thing you've got there.

"You'd better give it back to me

"so I can take it away
and throw it off the earth.

"It brought great unhappiness
to me and my family.

"If you don't give it to me,

it'll bring much grief to
you and your family too."

He spoke long and earnestly

until the baboon
began to pay attention.

In the end, he must
have convinced it,

and it dropped the thing,

and he said, "You have
done a very wise thing."

You want to do

an Albert Schweitzer
in Botswana?

I just want to get
away from all this

for six months or a year, or...

But in the Kalahari?

It's not in the Kalahari.

Botswana isn't all desert.

You bloody son of
a... Get in there, you...

Why do they put the bloody nuts

where the bloody
spanner can't get at them?

Right in my bloody face.

Every year, I have to
lay here on my back.

Keep it down a bit, Mpudi.

I'm trying to tune the scanner.

Okay, Mpudi. Go ahead.

Every year, you comes here

with a bigger tent
and better equipment,

and every year,

you turn up with
this same son of a...,

and I have to work my a*s off.

That's funny.

This elephant's dung shows
a complete lack of boron.

Hello, Reverend.

What are you doing on a horse?

I hit a rock with my crankcase.

Cracked it wide open.

The trouble is,

I have to meet the new
schoolteacher at Mabula today.

Well, you can have that one,
but she's in a terrible shape.

We've been knocking
around in the Hamadulas.

I promised Mpudi I would
work around here for a while

so he could have a
week to patch her up.

Here, Reverend. Thank you.

Get in there, you
bloody son of a...

Morning, Mpudi.

Morning, Mpudi!

Morning, Reverend.

Will this make it to
Mabula and back?

She's going be
a b*stard to start.

Sorry, Reverend.

I put in new rings,
and they're very tight.

But will she make it?

You said I could
have a whole week.

This is an emergency.

Will she make it to
Mabula and back?

I hasn't even
looked at the brakes

or the faulty steering.

Mpudi...

Okay, she'll make it.

She's going to be
a b*stard to start.

Sorry, Reverend.

There we are, Reverend.
Then she'll be all yours.

I don't think I can handle her.

I hear Mpudi calls
her the Antichrist.

Well, she is a... thing.

I was hoping...

I was h*...

I was hoping you could go.

Well, Reverend, I'm very
awkward around women.

Yes, aren't we all?

No, it's not like that.

When I'm in the
presence of a lady,

my brain switches
off or something.

I turn into a complete idiot.

You ought to meet more women.

It only gets worse.

But you will do this for me?

Come on, Prince. Come on.

Go, boy. Come on, boy.

Come on, come on.

Okay.

Okay.

Son of a...

Choke.

Choke, choke, choke, choke.

You tried to m*rder
me, you son of a...!

Don't ever switch
her off or let her stall.

I know.

And don't park on a slope.

You got no hand brake.

Now you tell me.

Goodbye, Reverend.

Goodbye, Andrew.

Take care, now. Goodbye.

Bye, Mpudi.

One day, a very noisy
animal rushed past

where Xi was sleeping.

It left very peculiar tracks,

as if two enormous
snakes had slithered past.

Ai, yai yai, yai yai.

Whoa...

Whoa!

Ai, yai yai.

Ai yai yai, yai yai.

Ai yai yai, yai yai.

Yai yai!

Everybody lie
down on the ground.

All of you, lie down!

Come on, lie down, you and you.

Everybody lie down.

Hey, you. Didn't you hear me?

Lie down!

He can't hear. He's deaf.

Shut up!

Oh...

Hey, wake up!

Come and give us petrol here.

Did two jeeps pass here?

Yes, sir.

They took half my stock.

They took a big drum of petrol,
and they made me to lie down.

If you find them,
please ask them.

They must pay me my money, sir.

It's such a lot of
stuff they took.

Morning.

Uh... Miss Thompson?

Yes.

My name...

How do...

My name...

My name is...

My name...

My name is Andrew Steyn.

How do you do?

The Reverend
cracked his crankcase,

so he asked me to...

Uh...

Thank you.

How far do we have to go?

How far do we have to go?

How... Oof!

Oh, sorry.

Hello, Andrew.

Hello, Phineas.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning.

I'm sorry, madam.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry..

It's all right.

I'm truly sorry, madam. Sorry.

It's all right.

What are you doing?

What... What... What are
you... Your brakes are shot.

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm opening the gate.

How do I get out of here?

No, it's all right.

I...

Now, I just, uh...

Oh, this is too
weird. I'm getting out.

No, it's okay.

I, uh, just have to...

What are you doing now?

Well, I... I'm closing
the gate, but don't worry.

This thing hasn't
got any brakes!

Do you want to get me k*lled?

Are you crazy?

It'll come back.

What?

The Land Rover, it'll come back.

What do you mean,
it'll come back?

It's all right.

I suppose you
think that was funny.

I'm sorry. The
brakes don't work.

I noticed.

Xi saw a very
strange-looking person,

and greeted him,

but the man didn't hear him.

Xi said, "This is a funny stick.

Did it grow on a tree?"

He couldn't understand
why the man had run away.

Then he realized

the man must've seen the
evil thing he was carrying.

And that's what made him run.

She stopped.

I noticed.

Can you start her again?

No.

We gave her new rings,
and they're very tight.

How far are we from the mission?

About 30 miles.

Will we get there before dark?

I don't know. This
thing has stopped.

I noticed.

Are you sure you
can't start her again?

Yes.

This morning it took a
horse and three men.

So now what?

Well, I can make a fire,

and there's some food
and a sleeping bag.

Spend the night?

I'm afraid so.

You sure this thing's stopped?

Yes. Didn't you notice?

I can carry you across.

Then you don't have to...

Okay.

Watch it! Be careful!

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ah!

I'm sorry.

Oh, look at my dress!
I've lost my shoes!

Your what?

My shoes.

Ah!

I'm sorry.

Well, watch it, buster.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll fetch your bags.

No don't. You'll drop
them. I'll get them myself.

I'm all right. I'm okay.

Leave that one. I don't need it.

Idiot.

What are you doing?
Leave me alone!

Don't you dare!

Go away!

It's all right. She's gone.

Keep away!

You keep away from me!

No, I wasn't...

There was this warthog.

What warthog?

She's gone, but...

Keep away.

I wasn't...

Go away!

I wasn't...

I didn't...

Only about half a mile away,

Xi was fixing dinner when
he was rudely interrupted.

The rhino is the self-appointed
fire-prevention officer.

When he sees a fire, he
rushes in and stamps it out.

Do you work here in Botswana?

Yes, I...

Yes. Yes...

And what do you do?

I... I collect manure.

I...

Get away from...
Get away from...

No. Leave me alone!

Miss Thompson?

Miss Thompson?

Miss Thompson?

Miss Thompson!

Oh, it's all right.

He's gone.

Who's gone?

The rhinoceros.

What bloody rhinoceros?

Didn't you see him?
He stamped out the fire.

You stamped out
the fire. I saw you.

No, he did it first.

I didn't want him
to come back, so...

But didn't you see?

Keep away.

Miss Thompson,
if you make a fire,

and a rhinoceros sees it,

he comes and stamps it out.

Rhinos do that.

It's a most interesting
phenomenon.

You get these sudden urges,

and you come up with
warthogs and rhinoceroses.

All right, I'll show you.

I'll make another fire.

Think I'm lying.

I'll show you.

You see how I'm
making another fire?

You'll see. He'll come back.

Think I'm a liar?

Maybe it's too far away.

Maybe it's upwind.

Mr. Steyn...

Ask them.

They'll tell you rhinoceroses
always stamp out fires.

I don't speak the language.

Okay, I'll ask them.

See?

I noticed.

They're Tswanas.

They always shake their heads
when they mean to say yes.

What are you doing?

I'm making coffee.

Sir! Sir, some people
went through here.

They didn't show
me their passports,

and they smashed
down the barrier.

They've got g*ns.

This is Frank, sir.

Frank, were they
traveling in two jeeps?

Yes, sir.

They are followed by armored
cars. Can you see them?

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, sir. I can see one.

Stop them right there!

Yes, sir.

Stop!

Stop, stop, stop! Stop!

Frank? Frank?

Frank, what was that noise?

Frank?

I stopped them, sir.

Now, explain to them

that they cannot cross
our border under arms.

We cannot allow them

to violate our
territorial integrity.

Yes, sir...

This is Lieutenant Mabasha.

Request permission
to cross your border

in hot pursuit of Sam Boga.

Sorry, Lieutenant.

We cannot allow an armed
force to come into Botswana.

But I've got to get Sam Boga.

He shot up half our Cabinet.

Yes, our police
will track him down

and hand him over
to you, dead or alive.

Can't they help us?

They'll take a
message to the river.

I think I can get the
thing out of the river.

There's an electric
winch on the front.

Ah!

Ouch.

Ow. Ouch.

Ooh. Ow! Oh.

Mr. Steyn?

Mr. Steyn.

Miss Thompson?

Could you help me, please?

Don't look.

That's a watape tree.

You mustn't go
near a watape tree.

They grab you.

Could you hand me
my gown, please?

It's in the suitcase.

The pink one with
the white edging.

Ow! Thank you.

Uh.

Ow.

Ouch.

Sorry.

Ow!

Sorry.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ay yai yai, yai yai...

yai yai, yai yai.

That morning,

Xi saw the ugliest person
he'd ever come across.

She was as pale as something

that had crawled
out of a rotting log.

Her hair was quite gruesome,

long and stringy and
white, as if she was very old.

She was very big.

You'd have to dig the whole day

to find enough food to feed her.

Go away.

Although it was a hot day,

she was covering
her body with skins

that looked as if they
were made from cobwebs.

She was doing strange
and magical things,

and it struck him that she
must be one of the gods,

and he wondered why
she was here on earth,

but he was glad he met her,

because now he could
give the evil thing back to her,

and go home to his family,

so he said, tactfully,

he didn't need the thing anymore

and she could have it back,

but she was very rude,
and she walked away.

That's a Bushman.
How'd he get here?

I don't know. He's very rude.

There was another god.

He had a fire inside him

and the smoke came out
through his mouth and nostrils.

Xi said politely,

"It was very kind of
you to send us this thing,

"but it made my family
unhappy. Please take it back."

Sorry, no sabe.

Where's the truck?

I'll try and get it down.

There was a peculiar sound

and then Xi saw a most
amazing animal approaching.

Its legs went round and
round instead of up and down,

and there was a
weird-looking god on its back.

He wore blue skin on his
head and red on his body,

and hair grew on his face.

What the hell happened?

Where have you been?

The Reverend
is sure you've left.

The funny thing about these gods

was that they couldn't speak.

They could only make
chattering sounds, like monkeys.

Hi.

What happened, man?
Where's the Antichrist?

What the hell did
you do that for, huh?

I'll tell you later.
Let's get it down.

And the little Bushman?

What's he doing in these parts?

He was trying to
tell me something.

You speak Bushman?

Yeah.

The hairy one could speak.

He says,

"Thank you for the bottle,
but you can have it back now."

Oh, I didn't give it to him.

Well, he don't want the bottle.

Then he'd better throw it away.

The hairy one said,
"We don't want the thing.

You'll have to throw
it away yourself."

Xi was very disappointed.

He thought it was
unfair of the gods

to make him throw
the thing off the earth.

In fact, he began to doubt
whether they really were gods.

Get out. Get out.

Get out!

Get in there. Get in there!

Move it, move it.

Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go!

Yes, yes, yes.

Here comes the
great white hunter

to the rescue.

Miss Thompson, I presume.

Hello, Steyn.

How would you like to
travel in style for a change?

Yes, thank you.

How do you open this thing?

With a can opener?

Quaint. My lady?

Thank you very
much, Mr. Steyn, for...

Bye-bye, Steyn.

Goodbye, Miss Thompson.

By the way, I am Jack Hind.

Boy, is the Reverend worried.

He got to me on the short-wave,

so I offered to look for you,
and that was very sweet of me.

It sure was.

Would you like
to sit over there?

Sure. Oh, thank you, Mr. Steyn.

See you, Steyn. See you, Mpudi.

I don't want to talk about it.

She thinks I'm a lunatic
and I don't blame her.

You know, she
asked me what do I do,

and I say I collect manure.

I don't tell her I analyze
it for my doctoral thesis.

I bet you she thinks
I shovel the stuff.

Was it rough?

I'd rather not talk about it.

That rough?

Well, it won't be long now,

and your suffering will be over.

Only when you
get to the Mission,

you'll have to stand there

and look beautiful
for a few minutes

while the whole tribe

sings their welcome song at you.

Then you can relax, have
a bath, and a nice breakfast.

Is it true that when
a rhino sees a fire,

he stamps it out?

Where did you hear that
one? Did Steyn tell you?

Now, why would he want
to tell you a thing like that?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Here. This will put
some hair on your chest.

That's all I need.

She wouldn't believe me

about the warthog and
the bloody rhinoceros.

What bloody rhinoceros?

I don't want to talk about it.

So how did this
thing get up the tree?

She got stuck in a watape tree,

and I had to...

You know she's got
flowers on her panties?

So that's how this
thing got up the tree.

Yes.

Don't I wave or take
a bow or something?

No.

Notorious Communist
guerrilla leader,

Sam Boga, and his
band of assassins,

have crashed through
the border into Botswana.

It is believed that they are
heading for Mozambique.

Well, how many?

Not even 300.

I told you b*stards,
don't waste ammunition!

Now, we can't even
fight back anymore.

All of you switch your g*ns over

from automatic to single-fire.

Anyone who withholds information

which could lead to the
capture of these criminals...

That's automatic, that's single.

However, citizens are warned

that Sam Boga is a
dangerous person,

and that he and his
g*ng are well-armed,

so it'll be unwise...

And why are you so beautiful?

I'm going to the
school to give her these.

You're going to look like that?

Like what?

Like it's a funeral.

You've got to smile, man,
and tell her she looks good.

How come suddenly
you're an expert on women?

I've got seven wives.
How many you got?

So why aren't you at home
with your seven wives?

I know how to marry them.

Nobody knows how
to live with them.

So what did you marry them for?

Some day, I have to
tell you the facts of life.

"And yet we all agree
that every plate we break

was cracked by Mr. Nobody..."

Come in.

Good morning, Mr. Steyn.

Morning, class.

Good morning, Mr. Steyn.

I, uh, I brought...

Please, just leave it.

I brought you your shoes.

Come in.

Come in.

Shoe.

You don't want to
talk about it, huh?

Shame.

There were some
ridiculous-looking animals,

but they looked good to
eat and he was hungry.

Suddenly, a young boy
made chattering noises at Xi,

so he greeted him and said,

"I shot one of those animals.

It'll go to sleep soon,
and then we can eat it."

But the boy ran away,

maybe to call his
family to join in the feast.

There was a weird sound,

and another of
those strange animals

with the round legs appeared.

The young boy and a
grownup got out of it,

and they seemed very excited.

Xi said, "Come, sit down.

There's enough
meat for all of us."

But the man was rude and greedy.

He took the whole animal.

Xi said, "You have
very bad manners.

"If you want to
eat the whole thing,

I'll have to sh**t
another one for myself."

The man shouted at him,

but he didn't want

to have anything to do
with such an uncouth person,

so he ignored him.

Suddenly, there
was a thunderclap.

The animals ran away,
and he ran after them.

He was very hungry.

Do you speak English?

You are free to remain silent

until you have seen your lawyer,

and if you wish to speak now,

whatever you say
will be taken down

as evidence against you.

And why are you so beautiful?

I got to go to court.

What did you do?

No. The cops were here.

They say they caught
a little Bushman

for stock theft.

They say all he can
speak is "Xixo, xixo, xixo,"

so they want me to interpret.

Call now.

Xixo.

They brought Xi into a
place with several people.

He smiled at them in greeting,
but nobody smiled back.

Interpreter.

You, Xixo, are hereby charged

with wrongfully and
unlawfully slaughtering one goat

on the 21st of September,
1980, in Oniamatokwe.

How plead you?
Guilty or not guilty?

Mpudi found it very
difficult to interpret,

because in his language
there was no word for "guilty."

Finally, he asked, "Did
you sh**t an animal?"

Xi said, "Yes, I did,
but that man took it.

He did not want
to share it with me."

Well, what does he plead?

Not guilty.

They gave him
the death sentence.

For k*lling a goat?

No.

Three months in
jail, same thing.

He's going to die for sure.

He never seen
a wall in his life.

Now, he got walls
all around him.

But didn't you explain to them?

They said, "Silence in court."

But surely they ought to know.

Nobody knows the Bushmen.

Nobody ever goes
into the deep Kalahari.

How come you know
so much about them?

Way back, when Botswana
belonged to the British,

I hit a policeman because
he insulted my father,

so I fled, right
into the Kalahari.

I died, you know. Dehydration.

Some of those little
buggers found me,

and they buried me.

Only my head stuck out,
and for about two weeks,

they kept on pushing water
and food into my mouth,

and when they dug me
up, I was nearly white,

like you, yeah.

I lived with them
for three years.

They're the sweetest
little buggers.

He's going to die for sure.

Can I go to Mahadi tomorrow?

You want to go

and see little what's his name?

I want to get him out.

Now, don't do anything silly.

They got to let him out.

Maybe if we explain to them.

You coming too?

Yes.

Says he's sorry.

He try to eat the food tomorrow.

Has he eaten anything?
It's been a week.

No.

Of course we're worried.

We can't force-feed him.

You've got to let him out.

He's got 11 weeks to go.

Well, is there no way?

Can't we buy him
out or something?

Well, if somebody
wants to employ him

as a convict-laborer,

but he has no experience,
no qualifications.

He's got qualifications.

He can teach you things
about plants and animals.

Yes.

We want to employ him
as an ecological expert.

He will have to
remain in your employ

for the full 11 weeks.

If he leaves, we will
have to hunt him down

and lock him up
for a very long time.

Okay, thanks.

We can't put him inside.

No, you're right.

I understand the
words, but the meaning?

Talks about a bad
thing, uh, an evil thing,

and about the end of the world.

Well, explain to him
he has to stay with us

for the full 11 weeks.

He doesn't know from weeks.

All right. We'll tell him
when it's okay to go.

Hello, Andrew, Mpudi.

Hello, Jack.

I hear you've got a
Bushman working for you.

Is that him?

Yeah, his name is Xi.

Are they good trackers?

Best in the world.

Mind if I borrow him?

One of my bloody
guests wounded a cougar

and my trackers can't find it.

This is where we lost him.

You'll see, he'll find him.

Hey! Hey! Wait for us!

Scram. Go away!

Shoo. Shoo.

Get.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize...

I don't want to talk about it.

What do you want?

Hurry up.

Hurry up. Get them out.

Come on. Come on.

Get him. Hurry up, man.

You can drop those g*ns.

You want me to let fly?

Now, get out with your hands up.

Bring out all the kids.

Sergeant, I'm going to

walk due east from
here to Motambe,

and I'm taking all
these kids with me.

If I see one truck

or one airplane or one
policeman or one soldier

or one person,

we'll mow these kids down.

Have you got
short-wave in there?

Yes.

Now, get on to headquarters,

and tell them I want a
corridor 10 miles wide.

The army and the police
better clear out everybody,

and they've got to put down
food and water every 20 miles,

and get the hell out of the
way before we get there.

Tell them that.

All right, get
them into a circle.

I want a big circle around me.

You have to leave
the small ones here.

It's miles and miles to Motambe.

They'll never make it.

Okay, now buzz off,

and start clearing out
the people from this end,

because I want to start
marching in two hours.

And I warn you, you
better clear out everybody.

Clutch!

Brake. Brake!

Clutch. Clutch!

I'm teaching him to drive,

just for the hell of it.

Nothing else to do
around here anyhow.

You still mooning
about the schoolmarm?

Sort of. I want to move
up to Nioko for a few days,

so we can do a game count.

So how is this thing going
to get us through the jungle?

We strip it down.

Come on, Xi. Come on!

He don't know from doors.

Stop playing that bloody game.

Okay, it's time.
Let's go. Move them.

Come on, everybody
up. Come on, let's go.

Keep them going. Keep
them in a circle around me.

Move them. Move them.

Don't leave any stragglers.

Keep your paws to yourself.

Shut up.

Get them into a
circle. A circle, a circle!

Stop yelling at them.

That's not a bloody circle.
Can't you do anything right?

I can't get them into a circle.

They keep coming up in a square.

All right, make it a square.
Let them walk in a square.

Keep them going.
Don't let them straggle.

Who says they'll come this way?

He says he wants a
corridor 10 miles wide.

Well, I'm sorry,
ladies and gentlemen.

We'll have to get
out of the way for now

until he passes this point.

Where can I find Andrew Steyn?

Yeah, you'd better warn him too.

He's about five
miles that-a-way.

You turn right at the, uh...

Damn it, I'll come and show you.

Johnny, will you take
them to Machadi?

Tell them to sing.

Come on, everybody. Sing, sing!

Wouldn't you know?

Now, where the
hell do we find him?

They left this morning.

Come on!

They went through.

They'll meet up
with Boga for sure.

Is there a way around this?

It's a hell of a long way.

Well, let's go.

Mpudi.

One, two, three...

four, five...

six adult oryx.

He says there are
people things down there.

Where?

Down there.

Army truck. Unloading something.

I wonder what they're up to.

Looks like food.
Cooking pots and stuff.

Maybe it's a picnic.

That's funny.
They're going away.

They went away
and just left their stuff.

Yeah, funny.

Oh, well.

One, two, three,
four, five, six...

You've got to let them rest.

The smaller ones can't keep up.

They can rest when
they get to the food.

You're driving them too hard.

It's a long way to Motambe.

But you said 20 miles.

They can't walk 20
miles without eating.

Halt!

Look at that!

I told you, stop playing
that bloody game!

You've got to let the
little ones turn back.

Nobody turns back.

Next thing, everybody's
going to get sore feet.

Next one drops out, I sh**t him!

You, you, help her.

If you got to carry
her, carry her.

If I catch you playing
again, by God...

March!

They can't march 20 miles.

They're not soldiers!

If they want to eat, they'd
better march 20 miles!

Are you scared
it'll spoil your image

if you admit you made a mistake?

Halt!

You! Come here.

See that hill over there?

Go to the top and
wave this thing

until the army people see you.

Then you go down to them,

and tell them Sam
Boga made a mistake.

Now, I want them to
leave food every 10 miles.

Understand?

Yes.

Now, get going. Move!

March!

One ostrich, and four, five...

six, seven...

A lot of children.

The food must have
been left there for them.

Hey, what the hell?
They've got g*ns.

The kids?

No. There are men
down there with g*ns.

It's no picnic.

I think those kids are hostages.

What was that on the
news about Sam Boga?

That man said I
must go to the top,

and I must wave my conga.

So Miss Kate said
20 miles is too much.

Is she down there?

Yes.

We'll have to immobilize them.

Are Bushmen good stalkers?

Best in the world.

Let him have a look at them.

All right.

Explain to him

that the men with
the g*ns are bad men

and we have to
put them to sleep.

He want to know

how did those
people get in there?

No, no, they're not...

You explain.

One hour, then we move.

I'm going to have a snooze.

"Dear Miss Thompson...

"Your abductors have been
injected with an immobilizer.

When they go to sleep,
you must disarm them."

Tell him he must
give her the note

only after he's
shot all the men.

And when he shoots,

he must pull back on
the thread very quickly

so the man can
think it was a horsefly

or a wasp that stung him.

Mm-hm. He's fast. It'll work.

He must dip the
needle each time.

I can't see the little bugger.

Yeah, I see him.

Now, look at that.

Yeah, he's clever.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Nothing's happening down there.

It takes time.

Who are you?

You know, some of
those guys are down.

She's going to need
help when they wake up.

Hey, Charlie, wake up,
man. You've got to wake up.

Come on, you can't
sleep now. Come on...

We need some
rope to tie them up.

There's plenty in
the Land Rover.

Okay... no, he can fetch it.

I didn't teach him for nothing.

Says he don't
understand the gears.

Told him he can
drive in any gear.

Okay, let's go!

And you take that one.

And you, that one.

And I'll take...

There's only six.
There should be eight.

Maybe they're asleep as well.

I don't know.

All right.

I want you to circulate
among the children.

Quietly.

And tell them that
when we grab the g*ns,

they must run fast into
that crevice behind us

and take cover, okay?

Good.

Ready? Go!

Come on!

No! Get down, get down.

And stay there.

Get back, get back, all of you.

Hey, watch it!

Sorry.

We've got to outflank them.

You go around. I'll
keep you covered.

Get back. Get back.

Hurry up.

Kate?

You okay? Yep.

Who are they sh**ting at?

I don't know.

Four, five, six.

There are two missing.

Yes, this one here,

and I heard shots
from over there.

Look.

Ah!

Roll over.

Mpudi, hold him.

What happened?

Have you got water in there?

Hold these for me.

Get up.

But what happened, man?

Oh, it's a long story.

What happened to those guys?

Are they all dead?

Did you k*ll them?

They've been immobilized.
They're sleeping.

Where's Kate and the kids?

They're hiding back there.
They can come out now.

Oh, my God. Mpudi.

Keep that guy covered.

Kate!

It's okay. You can come out now.

We've got everything
under control.

You can come out.

Jack?

Hi there. The
marines have landed.

It's okay. You can
all come out now.

All right, come on.

You're safe now.

Sergeant, you'd
better collect those men

before they wake up.

You all right?

Did you fix him good?

Yeah, get up.

Walk.

Ay yai yai!

Watch out!

Stop fooling around, Steyn.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ay yai yai, yai yai.

I'm sorry.

It's all right, Steyn. Move.

My lady.

Sergeant, you'd
better get on the radio

and organize some buses
to take the kids home.

How come suddenly
he's the big hero?

We'd better get back
to our equipment.

Says thank you and goodbye

and hopes you
have lots of children.

Tell him thank
you. I'll miss him.

He can't use that stuff.

Well, I have to...

Bushmen don't know about money.

Well, what else can I give him?

There's nothing here he can use.

Bushmen don't need things.

He's got to take the
money. It's the law.

He's going the wrong way.

The Kalahari's that way.

Says he got to
find the evil thing

and get rid of it.

I don't know.

I'm going to miss
the little bugger.

Yeah. Me too.

You going to look
like that forever?

Like Jack Hind is a
better man than you.

No, I'm going to talk to her.

Tell her you were the big hero.

No, I can't do that, but
I do want to talk to her.

I'll tell her...

I'll say, "Look, Miss Thompson,

"I know you think I'm an idiot,
but normally, I'm quite normal.

"It's only when I'm in
the presence of a lady

"that I, uh...

"It's really just an interesting
psychological phenomenon.

"If a man who is susceptible

"to a type of para-Freudian
syndrome like this

encounters a nubile
female, what happens?"

I suppose another
big word happens.

Too erudite, huh?

Yeah, whatever that means.

Okay. I'll put it more simply.

I'll say...

"Look, Miss Thompson...

"Kate, Kate.

It's really only an interesting
psychological phenomenon."

She'll understand that
bit. She's a schoolteacher.

I'll say, "When
there's no lady present,

"I can catch the tiniest insect

without hurting it."

If she gets to know me better,

then she'll see I'm not
such a stumblebum.

All I need is a little practice.

If I could just...

Wait for me. You need
some moral support.

There she is.

You better do your thing
before the pupils come.

Yeah.

Good morning.

Morning, Miss Thompson.

Morning.

How are you?

Fine, thanks. How are you?

Fine, thanks, and how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

Kate, I know you
think I'm an idiot...

but... But I'm not
really like that.

It's... only when
I'm around wom...

Around you. I'm sorry.

Normally, I'm quite normal,

but whenever I'm in
the presence of a lady,

my fingers turn into thumbs,
my brain switches off.

Watch it!

It's flour.

I noticed.

It's actually...

Actually, it's really

only an interesting
psychological phenomenon.

Perhaps it's some
Freudian syndrome.

That day, when I
brought you your shoes,

I actually came to apologize

for the stupid things I did
when I met you at Mabula

and I wanted to explain that

I'm not really
as stupid as that,

but then, of course,
I blew it, and I...

So I don't blame
you if you think...

But it's really only an
interesting psychological...

When you get to know
me better, you'll see

that I'm not always stumbling.

It's really just an interesting
psychological phenomenon.

Yes, you are a very interesting
psychological phenomenon,

and I think you're very sweet.

Ay yai yai, yai yai.

Xi was beginning to think

he would never find
the end of the earth,

and one day,
suddenly, there it was.