03x17 - The Hansel & Gretel Project/I.Q. Johnny/Get Stinky!

[bunniefuu]

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Huh, hah, huh!

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Ooh! Aah!

Yeah, whatever.

Tuesday, june 4, 9:57 a.M.

We're approaching

the subject's door.

I'm going to see

if he's home.

Carl:

Oops! Sorry.

Yes?

Hi, johnny!

Carl and i were wondering

if you wanted to help--

You'll never

take me alive!

He's making

a break for it!

Stand back, carl!

Hah!

Carl: He's going

into the kitchen!

Follow him!

Come on!

[crash]

Carl: Whoa!

Carl:

I don't see him.

He went out the cat door!

Carl: Check

under the pool!

He's not there!

[slurping noises]

Oh, right,

you were chasing me.

It's not my fault!

The neighbor's dog

told me to steal cable!

No, johnny, i was

just going to ask you

To help me with this

documentary i'm making

On the hansel

and gretel witch.

We need someone to do

the heavy lifting.

With my delicate knees

and missing ribs?

Forget it!

They say her house

is made completely

of candy.

I'm in!

SoThey say the witch

makes pastry out of

human beings

Then glazes them

with the tears

of her victims.

Oh, gee, i think i left

something in the car--me!

Did i mention

her house is made

completely of candy?

Oh, i found me again.

Note carefully:

Hansel and gretel

made the fatal mistake

Or leaving a trail of

breadcrumbs, which was

eaten by birds.

So i'm leaving a trail

of gravel instead.

MmmGravelly.

[munching loudly]

Johnny!

You idiot!

What were you thinking?

Now we'll never

find our way out!

Don't worry, weed.

With my superior

pathfinding abilities,

We'll be out of

these woods in no time.

We've been lost

for 5 days.

Food and water are

getting scarce.

I don't know how much

longer we can--

Give me that thing!

I want to play!

And now, the works

of john philip sousa

played on my nostril.

[playing march]

Johnny, quit wasting

our batteries!

This is all your fault!

Johnny, quietly:

Suzy's starting

to lose it.

She's coming

unraveled.

Fear is starting

to consume her.

Johnny, give me that!

[wolf howls]

We're drawing straws

to see who's going

out into the woods

To face

the hideous terrors

that surround us.

Carl's picked

the shortest straw.

Now we find out

if he's a man

Or a trembling

little

scaredy-pants.

I am confident that

the light of reason

Will dispel your

dark superstitions.

[high-pitched,

evil cackling]

Mommy!

Johnny: Morning.

Still no sign of carl.

Sweet! That means

i can have his stuff!

Suzy: Johnny!

Johnny, come quickly!

Look what i found!

It's the witch's cottage!

Then that must be

No! Carl!

My poor, dear,

sweet, deliciously

moist friend!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

I'll never

forget you.

[munching]

Never!

Hi, johnny.

Ooh! Aaaah!

Carl! You're alive!

MmmHave we got

any milk?

We were all wrong

about the witch.

She's really nice.

She can't wait

to meet you.

Oh, hello, dears.

You must be hungry.

Why don't you come

inside for lunch?

Well, eating carl

did give me a hungry

man's appetite.

Mmm! Oh, no, really,

I couldn't eat

another bite.

But you're so thin.

We've got to put

some meat on those

bones of yours.

Yeah. Stuff a muffin

in it, little girl.

Come on, old lady,

keep making with

the free eats.

Oh, dear,

you are hungry.

I'll be right back

with more food.

Hey, look! I found

the old lady's scrapbook

of favorite recipes.

Ooh! Here's one for

german chocolate cake.

Let's seeChocolate,

cake, germans!

[gasps]

i was right!

The old lady is a witch,

And she's fattening us up

to turn us into pastries!

Johnny, you keep

the witch occupied

While carl and i run to town

and get the authorities.

Sweet!

More grub for me.

[munching]

Oh, dear.

Where did

your friends go?

Oh, they thought you were

a witch who makes pastries

out of people.

Hey, is that tiramisu?

Why, no, it isn't.

This is my famous

blackout cake.

Really? Why do you

call it that?

Ooh!

No, really,

why do you call it that?

Oh, dear.

Awake already?

I haven't finished

baking you into

an oatmeal cookie.

What?!

An oatmeal cookie?!

I've always thought

of myself as more of

a pecan sandy kind of guy.

Now, into the oven

with you.

No! The horror!

The horror--

hey, can i lick the spoon?

Stop! Stop, witch!

There she is,

health inspector stan.

I'm afraid i'm going

to have to cite you for

improper food storage

And baking a guy

without a license.

Oh, dear. These pesky

government regulations

Are strangling

the small businessman.

You know, you'd make

a lovely cruller.

Sweet! She's gone!

That means we get

to eat her furniture.

[munching]

And so the saga of the

hansel and gretel witch

Comes to an end.

Our 3 heros, battered

but triumphant,

Emerge into the daylight

to tell their--no, no!

Johnny,

don't eat the camera!

[johnny munching]

MmmCamera-y.

Man: Farnsworth,

i just got a bill for

30 pounds of bananas.

What's going on

in your division?

I think i'm on to

something big, sir.

Watch what happens

when i administer

this potion to skippy.

[grunting]

[sniffing]

[glug, glug]

[test tube

shatters]

Shall i compare thee

to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely

and more temperate.

You see, sir?

My new serum

Has increased

skippy's i.Q.

Tenfold!

You mean to tell me

you spent all

our research money

Developing a potion

to make monkeys smart?!

Don't you realize people

want cute, fluffy monkeys?

Yes! What were you

thinking?

Throw that junk

in the dumpster!

Get back to work

on the edible car!

[sighs]

if only dr. Miller

had allowed me

To test the potion

on humans.

But where am i going

to find a human with

the i.Q. Of a monkey?

Ah! This looks like

a perfect spot

To start my new career

as a street musician.

[clanging]

Sir! Sir,

stop for a moment.

Why? Not a fan

of the classics?

Give me a dollar.

Uh, i don't have

a dollar.

All i have is

this delicious, uh

Lemon-lime sports drink?

Uh, yes.

Well, gettin' down

with my bad self is

thirsty work.

[glug, glug]

Well,

how do you feel?

Generally, like this--

i find my fingers do

the bulk of the work.

Stop that!

Oh, it's no use.

I'm the worst scientist

in the world.

Oh, that's not true.

What about those lunkheads

who are working

on the edible car?

The hypotenuse of

an isosceles triangle is equal

To the sum of the square

of the remaining two sides.

Hey, i'm smart!

All those years of eating

whitefish have finally paid off!

Mrs. Bravo:

Now, let's see

According to

my feng shui book,

The chandelier,

which represents fire,

Should hang dangerously

near an open door.

Hey, mama, guess what!

Aah!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Johnny, sweetie,

are you all right?

Oh, i'm fine, mama.

Fortunately, the inverse

gravitational pull

Of the chandelier

was offset by the bone

density of my cranium.

Say, what?

Oh, today's

crossword puzzle!

A 13-letter word

for "exclusive right

of inheritance."

Primogeniture.

Blblblblbl!

Blblblblbl!

Hey, bambina.

Huh, hah, huh!

[speaks phrase

in latin]

That's latin for,

"you don't have

to go home,

But you can't

stay here."

Well, if anyone

needs me,

I'll be upstairs

writing james

joyce's ulysses.

Heavens to betsy!

What's happened to johnny?

The blow to his head

must have made johnny

a genius!

As unlikely as that seems,

i believe it.

I can't wait

to tell the girls!

This part

spins the salad,

And here's where

the faxes come out.

I'm still working

out the kinks.

You know who can help you

with that gizmo is johnny.

They say

he's become a genius.

Really? I suppose

it could happen.

[both roaring with laughter]

Greetings

and felicitations!

Hey, a salad spinner

fax machine.

Hold on. Looks like

you got a faulty

sprocket flange.

In the future, carl,

leave the salad spinner

fax technology

To the salad spinner

fax technologists.

Yeah, thanks, johnny.

I--hey!

Here's your chili,

johnny.

Thanks, pops.

This is terrible!

Where's the bouillon?

Where are the herbs,

the "provence"?

Must i forever be surrounded

by knuckle-dragging plebeians?

Well, i'd stay longer,

but you bore me.

A bientot, mes amis.

Wow!

The new johnny's

really smart.

I hate him.

Me, too.

And so ends my dissertation

on microeconomic market forces

In the benelux countries.

Any questions?

Yes. Who are you,

and why are you ruining

Our annual

bratwurst festival?!

Philistines!

If i could interrupt

All those in favor

Of hitting my obnoxious

son over the head

To return him to normal,

raise your hand!

You know, when

i said "philistines,"

i meant it in a good way.

Get him!

[crowd yelling]

Aaah!

Stop! Think about

what you're doing

If that's not

asking too much

From you low brow,

fatback-eating boobs.

Sorry, dear.

This may sting a bit.

Oh, no! Is this the end

of superintelligent

johnny bravo?

[alarm sounding]

What's going on?

The nuclear reactor

is going critical!

Only someone well-versed

in atomic physics

can save us!

Piece of cake.

Can you fix it, son?

No problem.

It's a simple matter of

balancing the neutrino flow

With the electron

countervailance.

And then we reconnect

the lithium diode to the

UhKnee bone.

Oh, no!

Johnny's getting

stupid again!

Don't worry. I have

the utmost confidence

in my son, the genius.

daisy, daisy

give me

your answer true

We're all doomed!

Voice over loudspeaker:

Meltdown in 20 seconds.

Perhaps i can be

of some assistance.

Who are you?

I'm a superintelligent monkey.

Your friend johnny and i

shared a smart drink earlier,

But, as i suspected,

it wears off on humans

in a matter of days.

That's ridiculous!

Are you implying that--

MeNoAnymore

Smart?

Quite. Now, shove over.

Ah, there's a good chap.

Voice over loudspeaker:

4, 3, 2, 1

Reactor stabilized.

Thank you, monkey.

You've taught us all

a valuable lesson.

I don't remember

what it was

Something about

humans and monkeys

Living together

and--

Oh, whatever.

Let's push buttons!

Whoa! Ooh!

Phew!

Thank goodness

the monkey saved

the town from

Nuclear disaster,

mrs. Bravo.

I'll say!

And more importantly,

Johnny's back

to his old self again.

9 x 10 = 90.

10 x 10 = 100.

Any questions,

johnny?

Ha ha!

Talking monkey.

[munching]

Announcer: What happens

when an idiot meets his echo?

I'm pretty.

Echo: I'm pretty.

I'm prettier.

I'm prettier.

No, i'm prettier.

No, i'm prettier.

I am!

I am!

You're dumb!

You're dumb!

I know you are,

but what am i?

I know you are,

but what am i?

Oh, he's good.

Silently, stealthily,

Arachnid guy

st*lks his prey.

Look! Up on that building!

It's a jerk!

It's an idiot!

Someone call the cops!

Hated and feared

by those he has

sworn to protect,

Arachnid guy leaps

to a nearby building.

Forward!

Uh-oh! Argh!

Aah! Oomph!

Whoa! Oom!

Have some more pickles

and grape juice.

Johnny should be home

any minute.

Ohh!

Johnny, wipe your feet!

Mama, do we have

any iodine?

I'm afraid this arm

is going to have

to come off in a--

Holy

Hey, baby,

i'd ask you to come

back to my place,

But you're

already here.

Oh, johnny, look

who's moving back

Into the

neighborhood!

Your old

childhood buddy,

stinky brownstein.

Stinky brownstein?!

Hi, johnny.

Eww! Cooties!

Oh, johnny,

you're so funny.

I really missed

your since of humor.

Oh, really?

You know what

i missed about you?

Nothing!

Mama, i specifically said

when i was 8 years old

That you were not to let

her in the house again

For a million,

bajillion years!

Has it been a million,

bajillion years?

I don't think so!

Oh, nonsense!

You two used to be

inseparable.

That's because she glued

my arm to her back!

In fact, i went

through the closet

And dug out some

slides of you two

from the old days!

Here's when stinky

convinced you

It was cross-dressing

day at school.

Johnny: I knew the stripes

would make me look fat!

Stinky: Oh, look!

There's the time

i told you

That flagpoles

were made of candy!

Later, i found out

they're made of metal!

And here's stinky

pantsing you at your

grammar school graduation.

Oh, the neighborhood kids

laughed and laughed

And laughed and laughed

and laughed and laughed

and laughed

All right,

we get the idea!

Oh, don't be upset,

johnny.

That was all

silly kid's stuff.

I've grown up

since then

And so have you.

Your mother didn't

tell me how tall and

handsome you've become.

Aah! She's gonna

give me a wedgie!

Ooh! Beat you to it.

Ha ha! That's

the last time you

make me look stupid!

How about you and i

go on a nice,

Relaxing picnic tomorrow?

Oh, sure, i get it--

just you, me,

And the swarm of

fire ants you'll be

putting down my pants!

I'll bring pie.

Tomorrow it is!

Oh, it's so beautiful

here, johnny!

Look at how pretty

the clouds look!

Oh, sure,

look up in the sky

So you can run down

to family court

And change my name to

president james buchanan

So that people

will come up to me

on the street and say,

"ooh! You had

an ineffectual

presidency!"

Well, i won't fall

for that again!

Oh, look, johnny!

Daffodils!

Oh, i'll be right back.

Aha! Now's

my chance to get her

before she gets me.

She'll never expect

the old porcupine-in-

the-picnic-basket routine.

Ha ha!

I can see it now

She'll reach in,

expecting to find

a tasty tuna sandwich

Smothered with mayo,

dripping with

crispy lettuce

And zesty tomato

Johnny: Aaaah!

Johnny, what happened?!

Oh, like you didn't

expect me to put

The porcupine

in the picnic basket,

And then reach into

the basket and get

covered with quills!

WellWhat?

Oh, she's good.

She's very good.

[crowd cheering]

Buying me front row seats

to the soccer match!

As if i didn't know

it's another of

her elaborate plans

To make me look foolish

in front of 30,000 people!

I've got our root beers,

johnny.

I saved a seat

for you, stinky.

And don't worry.

I didn't rig it

in any way to pull

a joke on you.

I'd never do that.

Thanks, johnny.

Ha! I got you!

I got you good!

I stuck a "kick me"

sign on your chair,

And now it's

stuck to you,

And everybody's

gonna laugh at you!

There's nothing

on my back, johnny.

There isn't?

I wonder where

That pesky "kick me"

sign went to.

Look, mate,

that bloke's got

A "kick me" sign

on him.

It would be rude

not to put a boot

through his bum.

Whoa! Ooh! Unh

[sputtering]

Uh-oh

Aaah!

Huh!

Oh, she is very,

very, very,

Very good.

Stinky: I've had

a wonderful day,

johnny,

And i brought you

here to tell you how

i feel about you.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

But first

Waiter, a round of milk

for everyone!

Get ready with the mops,

because when i tell this joke,

Milk's gonna come

sh**ting out her nose.

Ladies and gentlemen,

i'd like to propose a toast

To my oldest, dearest friend,

stinky brownstein.

But first, a joke.

Hey, stinky,

i met a guy today.

Go ahead,

drink your milk.

I met a guy today.

That's it,

take a big mouthful.

I met a guy today with

a wooden leg named sam.

Really?

What was the name

of his other leg?

[laughing]

I don't get it.

She thought

the leg's name was sam!

Huh! Unh!

Johnny!

All right, you win!

You came to town

to ruin my life,

and it worked!

You got me!

Are you happy now?

Johnny, i haven't been

trying to get you.

I've been trying

to tell you

What a wonderful

person you are,

And i was hoping

maybe we could become

more than friends.

Really? You know, stinky,

i never noticed before,

But you've turned into

a beautiful woman.

Oh, johnny,

hold me in your arms!

Oh, stinky!

Ha!

[all laughing]

I got you!

Once a bonehead,

always a bonehead!

I totally got you!

i just really

got you

i just really

got you

i got you

i got you

You know, sometimes

the oldest relationships

are the most rewarding.

Johnny: Look out.

Oh!

Oh, mama!

A babe!

Mercy!

Whatever.