03x04 - Scoop Bravo/The Incredible Shrinking Johnny/Backdaft

[bunniefuu]

1-2-3 huh!

Baby!

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey, there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, my!

I see the civil conflict

in azerbaijan is heating up.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, and they're finally cutting

down that pesky redwood forest

On the edge of town.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Man: Aah! My eye!

Check this out!

"idiot injures self

in hammock"

What a jerk.

What a dufus.

Hey, that guy's pretty.

Wait a minute!

That guy's me!

Slander! Blasphemy!

I'm going right down

to the newspaper office

to complain.

Just as soon as

i pop my hip back in.

Ooh! That smarts!

[telephone ringing]

Boy caught in a well?

Does he have an adorable

puppy with him?

That's old news!

Hello? City desk.

You saw the mayor

taking a bribe?

Strictly page 10!

He was wearing

a chicken outfit?

Well, why didn't

you say so?

We'll bump it

to page one!

Sweet mother macree!

I love this business!

I want to talk with

the ugly, lying pin jockey

Who writes this rag!

That would be me!

Yeah? Say, you're

kind of pretty

For an ugly, lying

pin jockey.

Wait a minute.

I know you.

You're the jake

from the hammock.

You got a beef?

Spill it!

I demand that

you retract this story.

Ha! Horsefeathers!

The story is pure gold!

Haven't you heard of

the first amendment?

I'm not really

into folk music.

You want to

go out with me?

I'm all the johnny

that's fit to print.

No time, i got

a paper to run!

Besides, you're

a stooge, a moke,

a babe in the woods!

I only go out with

hard-driving newsmen

Who get stories

and sell papers.

So, you're saying

if i get you a story,

you'll go out with me?

I said no such thing!

I'll do it!

Because this country

was founded on freedom

of the press,

To read and cherish

and line our birdcages.

As abe lincoln said

Yeeow!

[alarm ringing]

Now, let's see

Where am i going

to find a hot scoop

To impress

that newspaper lady?

HmmThere's that pothole

over on third

Nah, too boring.

That vending machine

over at the car wash

always takes my quarters

NahToo vending machiney.

Johnny! Look!

I've isolated the gene

that makes people talk

In high,

squeaky voices!

Not now, dweeb,

i'm trying to get a scoop!

Oh, no!

Now listen to me!

Hold on, you!

Where were you on

the night of the 16th?

I was out looking

for my kitty--

mr. Pickles.

You do know

that all the cats

in the neighborhood

Have been disappearing,

don't you?

That's it! I'll do a story

on the invention of porcelain!

You mean

missing kittens, right?

Right. What did i say?

Now, let's see.

Where could all those

missing cats have gotten to?

And what could hold them all

c*ptive against their will?

And how can i hear

myself talking when

my lips aren't moving?

Pops:

Here, kitty, kitty.

Nice kitty.

Come to pops.

Holy smokes!

Pops just abducted that kitty.

Who? What? Where? When? Why?

Hey, johnny, what are

you blabbering on

about now?

I've caught you red-handed.

You've been taking

all the town cats

And putting them in

your "mystery quesadillas."

Why, that's

preposterous.

What kind of barbarian

would take a poor,

defenseless creature,

Make him into steaks,

dip him in egg batter,

Sprinkle with

a little tarragon--

but not too much--

And serve him up as

the blue plate special?

Why, i'm shocked

and appalled you could even

accuse me of such a thing!

Ok, pops,

your story checks out.

Let me know

if you hear anything

on the street.

Will do, son.

Don't worry, snookums,

the bad man is gone.

Hmm

[meow]

I've got to find out

where all the cats

have gone.

My reporter's instincts

tell me the answer is close.

So close i can

almost smell it!

Johnny, mama's running

to the store

To buy a 600-pound bag

of cat food.

Mama, i'm trying

to think.

And don't play

on the cat trees.

They're for guests only.

Wait a minute!

Cats

Cat trees

Sounds sort

of likeCookies!

That's it!

I'm hungry!

I decided on

noodles instead.

Ow! Dang cat tree.

Wait a minute!

Cat tree

Sounds sort of like

I forgot the garlic bread.

Ow!

Oh, this is getting

ridiculous!

Wait a minute!

Ridiculous

If cats can build something

this ridiculous,

They must also be able

to build space ships!

That's it!

Cats are really

a super-intelligent

race of aliens!

I have got my story!

Ha! You'll never triumph!

And sometimes i dream

i'm not wearing pants.

Print that.

Hold page one!

Cats are really

space overlords,

And they've gone back

to their home planet

To fetch their

death ray devices.

That's bravo:

B-r-aVo.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

That's the silliest

story i ever heard.

Oh, well, i'm sure

you feel that way

Because you're really

a mutant calico in disguise!

Oowwwwwie!

Johnny, what's with

this note you left for me?

"they're here!

They're here!

Get out of the house!

P.S. I ate the noodles."

I broke the story, mama.

All the cats are aliens.

I'm a reporter!

Johnny, listen to me

The person who took

the town's cats is

someone you know,

Someone who

loves you very much.

Someone i know?

Someone who loves me

very much?

Johnny?

It's me!

I took the cats!

I'm the catnapper!

Stop the presses!

Ooh! Ow!

Got to help

somebody!

NoReally

I'm serious!

But mama bravo,

why?

Well, i suppose

i have a compulsive need to

nurture soft, furry things.

The human interest angle.

I like it!

It'll sell papers!

But what about johnny?

HmmMaybe we can

use him in marketing.

Extra! Read all about it!

Idiot mangles self

in printing press.

Extra! Extra!

Man: I'll take one.

Thanks, mister.

You're welcome.

Let's see

According to this map

mama gave me,

The grocery store is

Somewhere between 5th street

and addis abba.

Leave it to mama

to run out of foot powder

In the middle of

battle of the network

swimsuit models.

Sure hope i don't

hit traffic.

Ow! Ugh! Oooh!

Ooh! Aah! Oh!

Hey, i'm here!

I got to use

these maps more often.

WaitMama didn't say

there'd be two stores here.

HmmThe one with the produce

the shopping carts out front

is almost too obvious.

Can't fool me.

Now let's seeFoot powder.

Huh? This pureed ram pancreas

should do the trick.

I might as well pick up

some snacks while i'm here.

MmSalamander tongue,

spider eggs

Hey! Shrunken heads!

I haven't had these

since i was a kid.

Ok, lady, ring me up.

Well, shut my mouth

and call me carpathian.

Huh--ha--huh!

I know what

you're thinking,

And the answer is

yes, i am available.

I warn you

Touch me again

and the consequences

will be dire!

Really?

UhDire's good, right?

Head of wolf

and toe of skink,

Let this big, dumb jerk

commence to shrink.

Any chance you got

a hot tub out back?

Oh!

Aaaah!

Could i get a receipt?

You know, you think

a person with that much

hate in her heart

Wouldn't gravitate toward

the service industry.

Hey, my scooter got bigger!

Must be that high octane

scooter oil i've been using.

And i thought

you finished growing.

[siren blaring]

Officer over loudspeaker:

Ok, pull over, kid.

What? I didn't steal cable!

I never pulled the tag

off that pillow!

The cement had

my handprints in it

when i got there.

Does your mommy know

you're riding that

scooter, young man?

And why aren't you

in school?

What are you talking about?

I'm a grown man.

What are you? Blind?

Oh, a sassy-mouth, huh?

Well, a couple of hours

in juvenile lockup

will straighten you out.

No, i ain't going!

Help! Help!

Anybody other than

the police! Help!

Oh, no, that witch chick

from the grocery store

Made all

the fire hydrants huge!

la la la

Neighbor kid! Help!

Witches curse shrank me!

Cops chasing me!

I live with my mom!

No motivating goals!

Don't worry, johnny.

I know just what to do.

More tea, mrs. Pennywhistle?

Stop calling me

mrs. Pennywhistle,

And i don't want

any stupid tea!

Give me some

bovine growth hormone

or something.

Mrs. Pennywhistle,

you're upsetting

the other dollies.

Yeah, well,

they're creeping me out

with their dead eyes.

Like aLike

a doll's eyes.

What are you smiling

about, monkey boy?

You think it's funny

i'm so tiny?

Well, come on,

make a move!

I can take you!

Looks like somebody

needs a time-out.

Huh? Wait! Put me down!

I was just kidding!

I can get along

with the dollies,

Especially that

malibu tracy.

Is she seeing anybody?

Now you stay there

and think about what

you've done.

I've got to escape

before she stuffs me

And tries to sell me on

the home dolly channel.

A-ha! A yo-yo with

a long string attached!

Let's seeIf i set

fire to the yo-yo,

The fumes will

activate the sprinkler

system, and--whoa!

[crash]

[squeaking]

Huh? Good thing gerbils

are meek, mild-mannered

little fellows.

Hey, buddy, scoot over.

Johnny's thirsty.

[growling loudly]

Aaaah!

[growling]

Good doggy.

You know, some of

my best friends

are gerbils.

Whoa!

Hey! Carl's house!

He's a science dweeb!

He'll be able to help

me get big again!

ThereNow, i've carefully

calculated the trajectory,

So i'll--whoa!

Good thing

the window's open.

Exactly as i planned it

Except for the lacerations.

There is nothing like

a good loofah sponging.

Now to check on

my science experiment.

Hey, carl, you dweeb!

It's me! Johnny!

Johnny! You're

microscopic size!

You're the size of

an amoeba!

I could put you

in my blood stream,

And you could help me

digest simple sugars!

Carl!

Or i could help you

get big again?

Bingo!

Aah! What the heck

is that thing?

Don't worry, johnny,

it's just an amoeba.

Back of, fella,

i'm trying to talk

to the giant eyepiece.

Oops! He's got

your scent.

Now he'll try

to absorb you for

your organic compounds.

Oh! Get off me, you gloppy

one-celled varmint! Get off!

Hang tight, johnny,

i'll get my molecular

re-enlarger!

Heel, heel, i said!

Ooh! Ooh! Tiny bites!

Tiny bites!

Carl! Hurry!

Here i come, johnny.

Here goes nothing.

Johnny! You're all

big again!

Yeah! Thanks for nothing!

No time to talk! Bye!

Carl: Gangway!

Whoa, mama!

Here's your i.D. Bracelet.

Here's a compass in case

you get lost.

Mama, i'm just going

next door to borrow

a cup of sugar.

Mrs. Krellman?

Open up!

It's meJohnny!

Carl: The resolution

is passed.

The secret password

for the town's new

community center

Will be flounder.

And now for the last

order of business,

Please welcome

our volunteer fire chief,

Pops! Yay! Yay!

Shut up!

This stinks.

When does the movie start?

There's no movie, johnny.

This is a town hall meeting.

What? Then i'm out

of here!

[crash]

Well, i suppose i could

stay a bit longer.

As you know,

willy the town hobo

Hit it big in the lottery

and packed up for zurich,

Leaving carl the only active

member of your fire brigade.

Yay!

I'll be quiet.

In the event of

an actual fire,

This town would burn

to the ground faster

than you can say,

"help! The town's burning

to the ground!"

So, i'm appealing to

you the townspeople.

Sign up today!

Audience: Ooh

Johnny: Whoa, mama!

Pops: Who will be

the first to volunteer?

I'll volunteer!

Speak up

Don't be shy.

Yeah, right here, pops!

ReallyAnyone at all.

[snoring]

How about you, sir?

Johnny: I'll do it!

Little girl?

Pick me! Pick me!

Johnny wants

to do it, pops.

Pick him!

He's my best friend.

We'd have a lot of fun

together and everything.

I'd be a great fireman!

I've got the suspenders

already!

Anyway, i love fire.

I can watch it burn

for hours!

All right! All right already!

Johnny, you're hired.

Be at the firehouse

at 9:00 tomorrow.

What? In the morning?

I'll bring doughnuts.

Pops? It's me! Johnny!

I couldn't find any doughnuts,

so i brought some tile grout.

Hi, johnny.

Pops isn't here yet.

Hey, get a load of all

the cool fireman stuff.

I'm glad you're early.

I want to read you

a poem i wrote

About the awesome

responsibilities of

the fireman.

Ahem

"i am the fireman.

"i sing the fire electric,

"though the hot flames

may lick my boots,

"they shall not stay me

from my appointed rounds.

"oily rags in the garage

dismay me not,

"nor the outlets

heavy-laden with plugs,

"for i will face

with fearless fervor

"the ferocious flames

that fly frantically

"from the feisty

fatal furnace!

"oh, fireman,

heavy hangs the hose

"that spritzes the home

of vigilance,

"and wretched is the soul

who leaves the steam iron

of neglect on high.

"yet i complain not,

"for i shall slip

the surly bonds of earth

To touch the face of"

Johnny!

He did it!

Quit it, johnny.

We firemen must respect

our firefighting tools

As if they were

our friends.

Thanks, friend.

Well, if you two kumquats

are through messing around,

We'll get started.

Ok, johnny, in this

first training exercise,

You rescue a kitten

from a tree.

Are you ready, carl?

You betcha.

Role-play is my favorite

part of being a fireman.

MeowMeow!

[purring]

[coughing]

Pops, i'm frightened!

I know, son.

Let's just get

through this.

Ok, the first thing

you do is

I know, i know.

I'm not an idiot.

[carl screaming]

Bad kitty.

Bad kitty.

Uh, let's just

move on, shall we?

Ok, johnny, you got

15 seconds to attach this

hose and save carl's life.

[coughing]

Oh, help me!

I am choking on

the artificial smoke!

Won't somebody rescue me

from my fiery fate?

OkHit it!

Oh, i'm going fast!

Dang thing

ain't working.

Here. Hold this.

This won't end well.

Beelzebub's nightgown!

Johnny, what are

you thinking?

It's a good thing this

was just an exercise,

Or carl could have been

seriously hurt.

Sorry, pops.

Oh wellCookie break?

I'm there!

Pops: What

a horrible tragedy!

If only basic

life-saving techniques

had been used!

Ah, cut debbie

some slack, pops.

She only joined

bikini watch last season.

I guess

you're right, son.

More elk?

Thanks.

Say, pops, is sitting

around, eating and drinking

on the public tab

Part of being

a fireman, too?

It's the most

important part, johnny.

If you learn only that

during your training,

Then i've done my job.

[alarm rings]

What the heck is that?

I don't know.

The dang thing's

always going off

during my program.

Pops! It's the fire alarm!

We're needed!

Good gravy!

It's the real thing!

Hop to it, boys!

Carl: Ooh! I want

to drive the truck.

I want to drive

the truck!

I want to drive

the truck!

No! I want to

drive the truck!

I'll tell you what.

Let's play "rock paper

scissors" for it.

Once, twice, 3

You win.

[horn honks]

You think he'll come

back for us?

Uh-uh.

Get out of my way!

I'm trying to save lives!

Whoa!

So, i said to her,

"if that's your

attitude"

Aaaah! I'll call

you back!

Whoa!

[horn honking]

Whoa!

A-ha! A 3-1-10-11-9er

in progress.

Oh, dear--almost burned

the popcorn, by golly.

Don't panic, lady!

I'll save you!

What are you doing?

Everything is fine.

I said don't panic!

AaaahStop!

Wait a minute.

This is just what the fire

is expecting us to do.

Quick!

Out the fire escape!

Aaaah!

But i don't have

a fire escape.

Pops: Say, johnny.

You know what would help

the department is

If you took your 20-year,

unpaid vacation now.

SweetNow, about

those free medical benefits.

Look out.

WhoaMama!

A babe!

Mercy.

Whatever.