03x01 - Luke Perry's Guide to Love/In the Line of Johnny/Fugitive Johnny

[bunniefuu]

Baby!

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty!

Huh! Hah! Hyah!

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Ooh! Ow!

Yeah, whatever.

Luke perry

is so dreamy.

I want to

hug him forever!

I just want to gaze lovingly

into his dreamy eyes.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

He's dreamy.

I want to cut off

a lock of his hair

And clone an army

of luke perrys

To install in

key government

positions!

Oh! I mean

I want to hug him.

Look, girls,

there he is!

[women screaming

and shouting]

Uh, i'm sure you're

the type of ladies

Who'd respect my privacy

and my personal--

Get him!

Oh, johnny,

you're too smart.

Not everyone would buy

a pig hormone off the internet

And put it on

to attract chicks. Hyah!

I guess that's what

separates me from your

average john q. Lunkhead.

[coughing]

Ahh! The great smell of pig.

Oh, sorry, man.

[women screaming

and shouting]

Whoa! It worked!

Hyah! One at a time, ladies.

There's enough johnny

for everyone.

Hyah!

[women gasping]

Hmm.

Must be going home

To slip into something

more comfortable.

I'll, uh

I'll just wait here, then.

Hey, thanks, dude.

You really got me

out of a tight spot.

[gasps]

Hey, you're

fidel castro!

Uh, no. Luke perry.

Right.

What did i say?

UhOk.

Well, listen,

thanks again.

Wait! Don't go!

I'm your biggest fan!

I've modeled my life

after you

And the rest of

the cast of baywatch.

Don't you mean

beverly hills 90210?

Oh, luke perry!

Right.

Well, see ya.

No, wait! Don't go!

Chicks love

your puppy-dog eyes

And james dean-like

vulnerability.

If i could study

at your feet,

My already formidable

chick appeal would be

irresistible!

I don't know, man.

It would take

years of training to master

the secrets of my charm.

Oh, please, please,

please, please, please!

Well, i guess

you did save my life.

Tell you what.

I'll guide you

through one date

luke perry style.

Sweet! Hyah!

You know,

luke perry,

You may just learn

a few things yourself.

[sniffing]

What's that smell?

Oh, that?

I sprayed pig hormone

all over myself

to entice the ladies.

[pigs grunting

and squealing]

Y-y-yeah. Ok.

Ok, johnny.

First, let's study

your moves--

See how you operate.

I'll wait here

behind this tree

While you show me

what you've got.

No problem, luke perry.

And, johnny,

you can just call me luke.

Ok, luke perry.

Now, don't be nervous,

johnny.

It's only huge tv star

luke perry watching you,

Judging your every move.

Hello, miss.

Hello.

UhI'mUh

I know luke perry!

Look!

He's hiding right here

behind this tree!

Aah! Luke perry!

Hold on, johnny.

So how did i do,

luke perry, huh?

How did i do?

Well, johnny,

on a scale of 1-10,

you're an idiot.

Luke perry likes me.

Here's the deal, johnny.

Disguised as

a hot dog vendor,

I'll relay instructions

via the mike in this

mustard dispenser

Directly into

your earpiece.

It's just contrived

enough to work!

Hey, chicky.

Hah! Huh! Hyah!

Hah! Hoo! Huh!

No, johnny.

Excuse me, miss.

My, you're looking

lovely.

Oh, all right,

if you're gonna be all

luke perry about it.

Excuse me, miss.

My, you're looking

lovely.

Oh, how sweet you are.

Hey, this junk works!

Thine eyes are like fire

That rains down from heaven.

Oh!

You've got her now, johnny.

Ask her to go out with you.

So, uh

You want to

go out with me?

No, don't hit me!

I'd love to.

Meet me at

the grande orange

at 8:00.

Really?!

I mean,

see you at 8:00.

She said yes, luke perry!

She said yes!

You did great, johnny.

Now to get out of

this silly outfit

and prepare for tonight.

Thanks--ooh!--Luke perry.

Ooh!--You're my--

Ooh!--Best--ooh!--Friend.

So, tell me all

about yourself, johnny.

Well, when i was 3,

i had a railroad spike

lodged in my--

My life is

a complex pastiche.

My life is

a complex pastiche,

Filled both

with sorrow and joy.

Oh, johnny!

[speaking french]

[speaking

garbled french]

Oh, johnny,

i think i love you!

Well, looks like

my work here is done.

You can take it

from here, johnny.

Nice to have met you, bud.

Thanks, luke perry!

You're a great friend,

luke perry!

Johnny, nooooooo!

[women screaming

and shouting]

Bummer.

[glass breaking]

Ooh!

Now, flap your arms

While raising your right leg

over your head,

And chant as follows:

[speaking native language]

Johnny, i think

we really have

a future together.

Tell me the words

i want to hear.

[speaking instructor's

native language]

Oh, this is just

one big joke to you.

I never want to

see you again!

Wait! Come back!

It was all luke perry's fault.

Hey, i didn't know

my knee could bend that way.

Ha ha! Hyah!

Johnny: Slowly, menacingly,

the dark ninja lord advanced.

Uh-huh. Very interesting,

johnny, but--

First, he attacked

with a vicious double lunge

and leg kick.

Hyah! Huh! Hah!

Hah! Huh! Hi!

Look out!

Uhhhhh!

You yutz!

That's 191 years bad luck!

But then the blow was parried

by rapid-fire monkey fists of

lethalness!

Not my sacred, ancestral

hummel figures!

Hee! Hyah! Hoo!

Hah! Huh! Hah!

Next came

the chrysanthemum

toe thrust!

Hyah! Oh! Aah!

Whoa! Uhh!

Fool!

I just make last payment

on ceremonial tea set.

Finally, the ninja lord

was defeated

By one of them

triple lateral flippin'

somersault things.

Uhh! Hyah! Hah!

No! Not the track lighting!

Uhh!

And that's what happened

on numchuk chicks last night.

Then, on emergency 976--

I don't care about

your stupid tv shows!

Uhh! I think

my spine is broken.

What? This ain't

about you, master hama.

I was supposed

to be bodyguard

At soy harvest parade

this afternoon.

I never make it now.

Bodyguard?!

I'll do it, master hama.

No! Bodyguard

supposed to protect

queen of parade,

Not cause lethal

injury to her.

I'll be good,

i promise.

Here's a move

i learned on lady

the kickboxing collie.

Hyah!

Sorry.

Here. Take security

badge and earpiece.

Just get out of here!

Thanks, master hama.

You won't regret this!

Wise man say,

"big blond idiot like speed bump

on road of life."

Uhh! Ohh!

You're so lucky to be

soy queen, cindy.

What do you hope

to accomplish

during your reign?

An end to hunger and a day when

all the world's weapons will be

completely made of soy.

[knock on door]

Come in!

That's not

the password!

What password?

Aha! You don't know!

Aah!

Ooh! That was

a close one.

There is

no password.

Oh, yeah?

Then why

didn't she tell me

That she knew

that i knew that?

Are you here to unclog

the toilet?

No. I'm here

to protect your life.

Huh! Hah! Hyah!

I see.

Well, why don't you

just sit there quietly

while i finish my face?

Stop! Don't touch that!

From now on,

i taste all your food.

That's not food.

That's my makeup!

Oooougggh. Lipsticky.

Look, do i really need

a bodyguard?

I know you're scared, baby,

But your body is in

good hands with johnny.

Man: Your car's ready,

your majesty.

I've got to go now.

Please don't follow me.

Poor, deluded thing.

She's all worried about

my safety.

I won't let her down.

This is going to be

the best soy harvest

parade float ever!

[wheezing]

Announcer: Well,

it's a beautiful day for

the soy harvest parade.

And here is this year's

soy queen cindy dawson,

Embodying all that's decent

and wholesome about soy

And soy-based

animal protein substitutes.

Hello!

Hi, y'all!

Hello!

Hello there!

Benvenuto!

Domo arigato!

Papa bear to french hen.

The perimeter is secure.

Repeat, the perimeter

is secure.

Man, i wish i had

one of those two-way

wrist radios.

Better scan the crowd

for lowlifes.

Everything looks

on the up and up.

Wait a minute.

What's this?

What have you

got there, kid?

My lunchbox.

And by "lunchbox,"

I guess you mean

high-tech plastic

expl*sives.

Gimme that!

Careful, johnny. Careful.

Aah! Hmm.

Looks like an ordinary

bologna sandwich.

Ah!

And this sort of

looks like an apple.

And this looks

just like a brownie.

Why, these

plastic expl*sives

are delicious!

All right, little guy,

i guess you check out.

Sorry for

the inconvenience.

You ruined my lunch!

Jackal to red snapper.

Jackal to red snapper.

Abort mission.

Repeat, abort mission.

And by "soda pop,"

i guess you mean

Canister

of deadly sarin gas.

All: Ooh!

Aah!

Aah! It's one of them

giant alien space pods!

Must be after the queen!

Stay put!

Danger! Get down!

Aah!

Uhh!

Hey!

Helllllp!

Aaahhhhh! Waaaaahhhh!

Owwwwwww!

Oh, mommeeeeeee!

Uhhhh!

Owwie.

The alien--

i can't shake it!

We're doomed!

Aah!

Aah!

Saved your life again.

Aaahhhh!

Noooooo!

Aaaaaahhhhh!

Aaahhhhh!

Aaaaahhhhh!

Oh, my soybean crop

is destroyed,

And it's

all your fault!

[gasp]

Nooooooooo!

Aah!

I took a bean for you.

How about showing me a little

polyunsaturated gratitude?

Owwwww! Ohhhhhh!

Papa bear to french hen.

I need backup!

Ooh! Ooh! Heck!

Ow! Ooh! Oh, man,

that's pain. Ooh!

Consider the turkey,

A creature

so amazingly stupid

It'll stare up at a rainstorm

with its mouth wide open

Until it actually drowns.

What's everybody looking at?

Is it that thing?

Come on, tell me.

I'll be your

best friend.

Oh, i see it now.

No, that's not it.

Aw, come on, guys.

Just give me a hint.

[gurgling]

Hmm.

Hit me.

Ha! 20.

What have you got?

21!

You win again,

my simian friend.

Hey, what's this?

"do not remove

under penalty of law."

Ha ha ha!

What are they gonna do,

arrest me?

You'll never take me

alive, coppers!

It was entrapment!

The monkey set me up!

Actually, we just

wanted to invite you

to a bake sale

We're holding

down at the station.

Oh! Thank you!

But you'll never

take me alive!

Try my delicious

7-layer fudge cake,

dirt bag.

No, thanks.

Pbbbt!

Feelin' lucky, punk?

Maybe later.

[slurp]

You have the right

to enjoy my delicious

strawberry lockups.

Only if you let me

frisk you for the recipe.

You wouldn't be

stupid enough

To harass

an officer of

the law, would you?

Ok. Is she cute

like you?

Inspector

jeanine girard,

46th precinct.

Are you gonna buy

some cookies or not?

I'd love to.

UhCan you lend me

a dollar?

Uhhhhhh!

So, what time

do you get off?

[pager beeping]

Drat! My mother's

about to lawyer up.

I'll be right back.

I'll wait here,

my p*stol-packing mamacita.

Hey, mister,

you gonna pay for those?

Who's gonna make me?

Citizen's arrest!

Stop! Cookie thief!

Girard:

What happened here?

Who took my cookies?

I-i-i-i didn't do it.

I-it was a guy.

A guy, huh?

What did he look like?

Well, let's see.

He was about

Uh, he had kind of a

He had two arms!

A two-armed man?

That's the lamest alibi

i've ever heard.

You're under arrest

for cookie theft!

Oh, well, if you

put it that way,

I guess i'll justLeave!

[whistles]

Listen up, people.

I want a hard target search

of the area.

That means every highway,

freeway, causeway, henway--

What's a henway?

Oh, about 3 pounds.

Your fugitive's name

is johnny bravo.

Johnny: Hey,

that's my name.

With my superior intelligence,

eluding her will be easy.

[horns honking]

[johnny whistling]

Ah, my first day

as a pickle truck driver,

And not a single mishap.

Aah!

[gasp]

Aah!

Phew! That was

a close one.

What a waste!

Crunchy, though.

We got

a positive i.D.

By the old

maple syrup

factory.

There's only one way

out of there.

He'll head for

the runoff tunnels.

[sighs]

I'm trapped.

There's no way out!

I wonder

what's on tv tonight?

Hold it

right there, bravo!

I didn't steal

your cookies!

Not that two-armed man

story again.

But i swear!

Hey, if i find

the two-armed man,

will you go out with me?

Hmm. Let me think.

No!

Well, then, forget it.

I give up!

Aaaaahhhhhh!

Stop!

We've lost him.

But i'll pick up his

trail again if it's

the last thing i do!

[johnny muttering

indistinctly]

Nice move,

but you've left

Your queen's

bishop's pawn exposed

on the third level.

Oh! You gotta help me!

They think

i stole the cookies,

But it was the two-armed man

all the time!

I believe you, johnny.

And with my knowledge

of balinese puppeteering,

I'll be able to craft you

the perfect disguise.

Done!

Sweet!

I'll be free

to move around in public

And find

that two-armed guy.

Ok, now you disguise me.

He'll try to reenter

his life somewhere.

Check the diner.

Hunt down the mom.

I want answers, people!

Bravo's on line two.

Put a trace on it.

Gimme that phone.

This bravo?

Hello,

inspector jeanine.

I guess i'm

too smart for you.

Those background noises

sound familiar.

I've compiled a list

of 25 million

two-armed guys

Who are potential

suspects.

They've

traced him.

He's somewhere

in the station.

Johnny: So

i'd appreciate it

If you'd call off

your stupid manhunt.

I've got you now, bravo.

Hey, keep your shirt on, lady.

I'll be off in a minute.

Aaaaaahhhh!

It's him!

It's the two-armed man,

and he's stealing more stuff!

Captain connolly?!

You took my cookies?

I run this precinct.

I can eat whatever

i want.

Well, well.

Looks like you wasted

hundreds of man-hours

tracking down the wrong guy.

Connolly:

Looks like it.

Girard, you're

busted back

to meter maid.

Aw, don't worry.

Life's full of

these little

twists and turns.

So, about me frisking you

for that recipe

[sputtering]

Stop! I know

my rights!

I want my lawyer!

Can't we all

just get along?

[muttering

indistinctly]

oh

whoa, mama

aw, babe

mercy

Whatever.