02x19 - Good Knight Johnny/Balloon Platoon/The Clueless Kid

[bunniefuu]

1-, 2-, 3-, huh!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey

with me. Come on.

Hey there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

There comes a time

in a man's life

When he has

to settle down,

Leave behind

childish things.

That's why i got

to find one of those magical

frog princesses to kiss.

[ribbit]

Whoa! It's a real meat

market around here.

Hey, baby.

I love your skin.

It's so green

and mucusy. Hmm.

How about

a little kiss?

Ugh! Tongue!

My glasses!

I can't be seen

without my glasses!

Especially not

in front of all

these chicks.

Ah!

Dang, my magic

kiss worked.

Hey, froggy mama.

Let's go back

to my place.

I'll whip you up

a nice bowl of flies.

Look, i don't have

time for this.

I'm late

for a gig.

Oh, i get it.

Holding out for

a bucket of crickets.

Ugh.

Wait.

Hold up.

You can't run

from our love,

My amphibious

little gInger sn*p.

What's going

on here?

Some kind of

hippie flea market?

How do i do it?

How do i do it?

By being a loser

and having a lot

of free time.

hello young

master, be

prepared

to enjoy

yourself at our

gentle faire

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Sorry. Don't know

what came over me.

Wait a minute.

Jugglers, stupid clothes,

bad music.

There's only

one explanation.

I must have followed that

frog chick back through

One of them magic

time portals.

I'm in

the middle ages.

Wiggy.

These renaissance

festival costumes

Get more

uncomfortable

every year.

Stop complaining, brad.

Uh, uh, uh.

[regal accent]

in mean, your majesty.

With my superior

20th century knowledge,

I can easily conquer

them and become their king.

Let the annoying

puppet show begin.

Sire, sire, the peasants

are revolting.

Shhh! You'll hurt

her feelings.

Out of my way,

puppet boy.

Citizens of

the middle ages,

I am a powerful

and really scary wizard.

Who is this guy?

I think he works with

jerry in accounting.

I bring you wonders your

minds cannot begin to grasp.

For example,

the ballpoint

Pen!

Worship me!

Worship me!

Look, could you

move it along?

My kid's softball

game is at 5:00.

Not crazy about

the pen, huh?

That's ok.

I have other

astounding marvels

like

This string!

Worship me!

Worship me!

Guards,

remove him.

You mean you're

not going to make

me your king?

Oh heavens, no.

You got any

other jobs?

Baron? Warlord?

Come on, toss me

an estate.

Well, we could always

use another jester.

No way! I ain't going

to be your little singing,

dancing, laughy boy.

Then we'll have to

cut off your head.

oh, johnny likes

to laugh and sing,

doo-dah, doo-dah

hey, you are such

a handsome king,

all the doo-dah--

day

Ah, man,

the middle ages stink.

I'm going

to hail a cab.

Help, help!

Hey! It's the frog

chick from the pond!

I'll save you,

frog chick.

[crash]

I saved you!

Do i get a wish?

Jerk!

You ruined

the whole bit!

Thou hath come

between the black

knight and his prey.

Prepare

to defend thyself.

Yeah. Whatever.

Look, shouldn't

you be off sacking towns

and pillaging stuff?

Art thou a coward?

No one calls

me a coward.

Spineless mama's

boy i get sometimes,

But never coward.

Then i challenge

thee to a joust!

Oh, we'll joust,

all right.

We'll have the joustiest

joust in all of joust-a-tude

Then you'll say,

"man, that guy can joust."

What's a joust?

So let me get

this straight.

The guy who doesn't

get a lance through his

chest is the winner?

Yes, but the loser

dies a heroic death.

Uh-huh. How about if

we just sh**t some hoops?

Let the joust begin.

Uh, sometime today.

Uh-oh.

You can do

this, johnny.

You just need

to apply the skills

you've learned

During a lifetime

of-- [grunts] whoa!

Better switch

to plan "b".

Please don't

hurt me!

Please don't

hurt me! [cries]

I wasn't going

to hurt you, johnny.

Carl!

Hey, you should have

those bruises looked at.

It's this the best

renaissance carnival ever?

Renaissance

carnival?

You mean we're not

in the middle ages?

Middle ages?

[laughs] you're funny.

Hey, have you tried

the sweetbread stand?

They take an actual

sheep pancreas, smother

it in honey and--

Johnny, where are

we going?

Hey, you're not mad

at me, are you?

Johnny: And as for

the rest of you,

Why don't you dweebs

all get real jobs

instead of dressing up

In your grandma's clothes

and walking around saying,

"look at me! I'm a stupid

medieval guy who wears

make-up and juggles."

Hey, let go.

Get you hands off me.

You know, i-i didn't

mean you were dweebs.

I was talking

about those civil w*r

reenactment nerds, yeah.

This won't end well.

[splash]

Ah, man, and i just

washed my hair.

And so, with the signing

of this treaty,

Red ants and black ants

can finally live

together in peace.

Yes. No longer need

we waste our lives

in senseless warfare.

[ants scream]

This is

your treachery.

To w*r!

I will drink from

your exoskeleton!

My plan is working.

Soon the reflection from

these ants will burn

a hole in the sun.

Johnny, johnny,

you got to help me.

Careful kid.

This is a very

delicate situation.

The slightest

wrong move could

ruin everything.

But smelly raymond's

throwing water

balloons at me.

Ah, he probably has

a crush on you.

Shut up.

He does not.

Look kid,

get lost. I'm busy.

[yells]

Nah, nah.

Thanks,

smelly raymond,

you saved my life.

You know, a guy could

perceive that last

balloon as an insult.

Ok, now that was

no coincidence.

[spitting]

You know,

this means w*r.

Suzy: Johnny, i think

you're taking this

a little too seriously.

Quiet. I've triangulated

his position.

You make a feint

around to his left

and we'll ambush him!

[sighs] all right.

But do you really

need those night

vision goggles?

Sure. They work especially

well in the daytime.

Ugh! I'm blind!

Ugh, too much light!

[whistles]

Johnny, look out.

Retreat!

Ok. The battle

is yours, raymond.

But it's just one

battle in a huge

battle-ly w*r-thing,

With lots of other

Battles.

Ten-hut!

I've tried to assemble

the finest fighting force

this block has ever seen.

Unfortunately,

all i could find was you.

Push out that chest.

Suck in that gut.

Give me a dollar.

But i just gave you

a dollar to buy that

girl's swimming medal.

Silence.

I am colonel

johnny bravo.

And you are 3 sorry

sacks of chicken livers.

What are you, soldier?

A sorry sack of

chicken liver, sir.

Correct. Now it's

my misfortune to train

you sorry creatures.

You will hurt.

You will cry for your mommies.

My mommy's

been to france.

Great. You made me

lose my place, you weed.

Suzy: Something

about chicken livers.

Right. Now let us proceed

to the training course.

And when i am done

you will be men!

Or, well, two men

and a little girl.

I think you know

what i mean.

[gasps]

Help!

Aaah!

Johnny: To survive

a water balloon fight,

You must learn

to hit a target.

When i say, "now,"

you will hurl your balloons

at the bull's eye.

Now, i--

No, not now--

Not the "now" that--

Now just hold

on a min--

This may take awhile.

Johnny, this

camouflage will

never work.

The rhododendron

geranium isn't

even native

To this part

of the country.

Shut up.

They'll hear you.

The enemy is everywhere.

And nowhere.

So where is he?

I don't know.

He's somewhere.

Water in the hole.

We're surrounded!

Suzy, circle around

their flank.

Carl, bring up the rear.

I'll scream like a little

girl and duck into hiding.

Ok, this is going well.

You keep it up,

and i'll be in here.

I'm drowning. Help.

Somebody save me.

[gurgles]

[gasping]

We stood our ground

as long as we could.

But i think

they captured carl.

They'll probably subject

him to horrible t*rture

to make him talk.

Don't worry.

He's well trained.

Carl: And we have

75 balloons hidden in

mrs. Johnson's doghouse.

And johnny's going

to attack at 0900 and

our password is "flounder."

[carl yells]

I didn't talk.

They tortured me,

but i said, "no way, jose."

Good.

You're still alive.

Now i won't lie to you.

We may have to escape

to the jungle and live there

For the rest of our lives

eating bugs and washing

with mud, so--

Look, johnny.

I think raymond was

only pelting me

With balloons

because he likes me.

And i think i kind

of like him, too.

So, bye.

My mom will yell

at me if i'm late

for dinner. See ya.

You're an idiot.

Oh, running out

on me, heh?

Why, go. I have not

yet begun to fight.

I shall return.

I--uh-oh.

Missed me.

Medic.

Man: And these are

the prehistoric tar pits

Where dinosaurs

became trapped while

looking for food

And sank to an oozy death.

I suppose when your brain's

the size of a cashew,

You're too stupid to avoid

walking into a lake of

sticky, disgusting tar.

This way, please.

[yells]

Concentrate, johnny.

Find your center.

More to left.

Oh, too far, too far.

How's this, master hama?

No, no, no.

Hokey weather girl

still all fuzzy.

Ah, come on,

master hama.

Teach me the secrets

of the east.

No!

But even

the 8-year-olds are

Moving past me

in karate class.

Yee-ah!

Hah, hah!

That is because

you have attention span

of cheese sandwich.

But i know

i'm ready.

I can feel it.

Did you finish

sorting the mail?

No.

Then you are not ready.

All right.

Bills, bills, bills.

Huh? Hey! Master hama,

you may already

be a winner.

Give me that.

Now, go pick up

my dry cleaning.

So, hama,

we meet again.

Pan-ting claw!

You dare show

your face here.

Just a social call.

I've opened up

my own dojo right

on the corner.

Curse you! I tried

to get that location.

The city wouldn't

grant me the zoning.

That is because your

dojo is stinking.

Son of chow dog!

The worst of my students

could beat the best

of your students.

Johnny: Hey, master hama.

I got your hot pastrami

on a kaiser roll.

Student: Hey, look out.

Johnny: Whoa! Whoa! Ooh!.

Hmm. Very well,

hama. Him.

But-but,

he is not student.

He just hang out here.

I accept.

I will defend

the honor of

my dojo.

[belches]

We will fight

in one week.

And then we will see

who is the true master.

[laughs]

You leaving or what?

Yes, i'm going. [laughs]

Get up, johnny.

We have much

training to do.

All right, all right.

I'll get the toilet

brush and--huh?

Wiggy.

Flower of wisdom

grows best in soil

of untrammeled mind.

What's that mean?

Get off lawn.

I just seeded it.

So when do i get

to bust stuff up with my head?

Come here, johnny.

Clear your mind.

Ok. Ow!

Before physical

technique, you must

learn concentration.

Right.

Hey, look. Birdies.

Pay attention.

For first exercise,

you must consider

the pebble.

Ah. Ok.

Good. I'm going

to go take a nap.

See you in 4 hours.

Ah, don't say that.

Chicks dig pebbles.

You're money, baby.

Hey, little fella.

You barely touched

your root beer.

[speaks japanese]

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, master hama.

This pebble's

a stand up guy.

Training you is like

harsh journey through

waterless desert.

What do you mean?

You're an idiot.

Follow me.

Ow, ow, all right,

all right.

Keep your gi on.

Master hama:

The 4 way path

to enlightenment:

Watch, look,

listen and watch.

You said "watch" twice.

You're not

listening!

Observe.

That's amazing!

What focus,

what concentration.

Teach me your ways,

oh scaly one, and i will

be your disciple.

Give me that.

Catching carp

increases hand-eye

coordination.

You try.

Oh, ugh. I got you,

i got you!

No, johnny. That's

my cable hook-up

[laughs]

[gasps]

Thank you, ernie.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Don't worry,

master hama.

I can take him.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Look, uh, you know

i'm not responsible for

your medical bills, right?

I must concentrate.

I must seek

the weakness in his

defense and--[grunts]

I think his iron-hard

knuckles might be

his weak point.

This is why i only

let you do grunt work.

Grunt work?

Now i see what you've

been trying to teach me.

I must use the skills

i learned doing

Menial chores

to defeat my opponent.

Whatever. Look,

don't bleed on my floor,

i just washed it.

First, i will evade

his blows by using

the movements

Hama taught me

to adjust his

t.V. Antenna.

[martial arts cries]

Huh?

Next, i will attack

using the mail-sorting

slap of doom.

Finally, i must smother

my foe as a kaiser roll

Smothers a quarter pound

of juicy hot pastrami.

I give! Get your

tremendous bulk off me.

[gasps]

[gasps]

I did it!

Master hama, i won.

You idiot!

I take out second mortgage

to bet against you.

You ruin me.

Pan-ting: So, hama.

It is a wise weasel

who uses bean paste

to catch cobra.

What you mean?

It means i beat

the point spread.

[snaps fingers]

now make with the green.

Come on, students.

Ultra-fine hotdogs

are on claw.

[cheers

claw laughs]

[sniffs]

Well, master hama.

Do i get

my red dragon belt

of death?

No! You get frilly

pink apron of shame.

Go clean toilets.

Ah, gee, pebble.

You're the only one

who understands me.

So did you see me

in the second round?

I really got

him good, didn't i?

Yeah, boy! Oh,

mail slap. Look out!

Johnny: Look out.

[rockabilly playing]

Captioning made possible by

turner entertainment group

and u.S. Department of education

Johnny: whoa, mama

A babe.

Mercy.

Whatever.