02x14 - Galaxy Boy/Damien's Day Out/Noir Johnny

[bunniefuu]

Baby!

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty!

Huh! Ha! Huh!

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey, there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, you're such

a cute little doggie.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, you're such

a cute little doggie.

Captain's diary,

282.1.

Dear diary, my expedition

to the planet earth

Has turned up an abundance

of carborundum,

And some deliciously toothy

late night talk shows.

But i regret to report

that the planet has

No intelligent life

whatsoever.

[grunting]

Johnny bravo,

karate stud.

[chattering]

A-ha.

A worthy opponent.

Too bad you

don't stand a chance

Against my thrust

of 1,000 noodles.

[chattering]

[grunting]

Aah!

And so diary,

This mission has been

a complete waste.

Engineer,

commence transport.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Wicked.

Did i land in one

of them shakespeare

in the park thingies?

Captain?

Huh?

I'll play along.

Yea, verily, mcsquigio,

I am in sooth,

and whatever.

Mr. Fleen, something weird

happened to the captain

during transport.

Report to the bridge

immediately.

Follow me, captain.

Shall i compare thee

to a six-foot hoagie?

Thy bread is fresh,

Thy lettuce

is more crunchy.

Whoa.

Hey, this isn't

shakespeare in the park.

Chronoscope readings

indicate

Normal parameters

for cell structure

And dinucleic compounds

.

But brain function

is down to 4%.

4%, that's almost 5%.

Captain, would you turn

your head and cough.

All right, now cut it out.

What's with all

the scientific gobbledygook

And captain stuff?

Captain,

regulation 50739

Explicitly states --

For the last time,

i'm not your stupid --

Captain, it's time

for your space fritters

And hot oil massage.

The captain is in

Space.

It's really, really,

really, really big.

These are my voyages.

My mission --

to meet alien chicks

And drink a lot

of space lemonade.

I especially

like the lemonade.

You know how

they make it up here?

Captain.

First, they squeeze the

lemons with laser beams

Then they add

a lot of space sugar

to make it all sweet.

Captain!

What?

Your loop the loops

Have severely degraded

our lithium crystals.

We'll need

to rig a bypass circuit

To the heisenberg compensator.

Hey! You got

more gold thingies on

your costume than i do.

Arrest him!

Enemy vessel

approaching

our zone of comfort

On the starboard

side, sir.

Bring it up

on the wide screen tv.

This stinks!

What else is on?

Weapons are offline.

Our adversary has us

at his mercy!

Oh, yeah, i'll show 'em

who's boss!

I ain't afraid

of anything!

Aaah!

Greetings, crew of the nimrod.

I am carlock,

Emperor of geekdar 5

and destroyer of worlds!

They say snippiness is a dish

best served cold.

Well, it's very cold in space.

[laughs]

Carl, you weed, what are

you doing way out here?

I know not this carl.

Perhaps you have eaten

too many sorian rum ba*ls.

Funny, you look

like this creepy geek

i know from earth.

It is possible -- i have

traveled the galaxy for eons.

And where my dna has sprouted,

who can say?

Well, nice to meet ya.

I gotta go now.

Okay, have a nice day.

Hey! Now you have angered me.

Lower your deflector shields

so i may have access to you.

Never!

Then i will smear you

across the galaxy.

Ooh. Do what he says.

But captain.

Do it. I have a plan.

Force fields are down.

Good.

Take the crew,

take the whole ship,

just don't hurt me!

[laughs]

[deep breath]

[laughs]

[shivering]

Huh?

Welcome, my worthy adversary.

Perhaps you are wondering

why i have transported us

To the surface

of this planetoid.

Oh, no! You're gonna

let a space leech

Burrow into my brain so

i'll become your sl*ve!

No, but that's a good idea.

Note to self --

explore brain leech idea.

Okay, carlock,

what do you want?

I wish to find out

who would win

In a contest

of good and evil.

I shall represent evil.

Joining me on my evil team

will be genghis khan

And a lizard man

from planet delector.

Ugly team, more like it.

Joining you on your good team

Is this 45-pound tenor

from the vienna boys choir.

[singing]

[growling, hissing]

Aah!

It would appear that good

lifts its satin robes

And runs at the sight of evil.

And it would appear that

evil needs a bar of soap

And a deep gum cleaning.

[laughing]

You laugh?

I subjugated the mongols!

Looks like it's just

you and me, captain.

A moment please,

as i prepare for battle.

Whoa! You wanna

put that back on?

Traditional

greco-venusian rules apply.

You may find some of my moves

quiet unconventional --

Like the chest slap!

Owwee! Owwee!

Owwee! Owwee!

Owwee! Owwee!

Owwee! Owwee!

Ha! It would

appear that evil

Has little girly hands.

Now, good will seize

the elastic waistband of evil.

Galactic wedgie!

Noogie, noogie,

noogie, noogie.

I win, i win, i win!

I win, i win, i win!

I underestimated you,

captain.

And i commend you

For demonstrating mercy

towards me.

Why? I'm not done

beating on you.

Hey, what

are you doing?

I was just starting

to have fun.

You impersonated an officer

and commandeered my ship.

Blah, blah, blah,

what are you gonna do --

Strand me on a strange

planet with a bunch of

horrible aliens?

Forget i said that.

Nice puppy.

Good doggie.

Good boy.

Yes, sweetie,

mama likes the lightning

And hailstorms, too.

[baby cooing]

No, baby, you're not

on solid food yet.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Mama likes evil as much

as the next person,

But you're just

too much for me.

Good bye!

I'll miss you.

Whatever.

Whoa!

It's my delivery

From tainted seafood

of the month club.

This month it's squirt clam

From the shores

of lodi, new jersey.

Mmm,

squirty.

Hey, where's my squirt clams?

Hey, what's this?

"i can no longer

bear the horror

I've unleashed upon the world.

Please take good care

of little damien.

He has his father's eyes."

Oh, man, i don't wanna

be saddled with no --

[giggles]

Hey there, little fella.

Aww, you poor bald

little bundle of stink.

Don't worry,

johnny'll take care of you.

Yes, he will.

[cooing]

[screaming]

You must be hungry.

Let's get you a bottle,

and me a tourniquet

To stem

the massive blood loss.

You sit here,

you little scamp.

Huh, what's this?

Hmm. Baby formula?

Stick around

while johnny makes you

Some delicious baby slop.

[cooing]

This will work.

It says here,

"take the wing of a bat."

Hmm, i guess

these pickles will do.

"the crushed eyes

of a lizard."

I'll go with the raisins.

"and a shriveled

weasel paw."

Hey, there's one left.

Sweet.

[sniffs]

Smooth.

Open your yap,

you little drool monkey.

Here comes the yummy train.

Huh? Whoa.

There's gotta be

a logical explanation for this.

Perhaps an ionized burst

of static electricity

Has angered the tiny pixies

who live in that spoon.

Well, that shoots down

that theory.

[laughs]

Great sweatin' pachyderm!

That's astounding!

I thought we lost

that egg timer.

[chuckles]

Hey, that can't be child safe.

I'll save you, baby!

Aah!

You know,

for a sweet little baby,

He has quite a well-developed

sense of mischief.

Uh-oh.

Now, where did the little

munchkin get to?

Here, little baby!

Now i got ya!

Aah!

[giggling]

[grunting]

Whoa!

Bad baby!

Stop defying

the laws of physics.

Look out for those trees!

Stay clear

of those electrical wires!

Watch out for that

japanese cargo ship!

What --

am i talking to myself here?

Aah!

[gurgling]

That's it, baby.

Johnny's not

playing around anymore.

I knew this lint ball

would come in handy.

[grunts]

That was a bad idea!

[giggling]

Oomph!

Good thing this concrete

broke my fall.

Oh!

Listen you,

I've had enough

of you and your creepy powers.

We're going home.

And you're going to bed

without --

Oh, is that a baby?

You want him?

I love babies!

They're so cute

and cuddly.

Then it's settled!

He eats bat wings

and lizard eyes,

And i wouldn't play

with knives around him.

Well, gotta be going.

Oh, he's just a little

itty bitty baby.

Aren't you just a little

itty bitty baby?

Aaah!

[screaming]

Wait, come back!

I'll throw in a toaster!

All right, baby,

playtime's over!

Come back here,

you bad baby.

Bad baby!

Bad, naughty,

not very nice baby.

[wailing]

Zombies!

Bummer.

We're surrounded.

There's no possible way we'll

ever get out of this situation!

[screaming]

Hey, thanks for dropping

me off at the house

Instead of eating me

and stuff.

No problem.

Cute kid.

All right, baby.

Right to bed with you

and no more funny stuff.

What did

i just tell you?

Well, maybe

just this once.

Mama.

Mama!

Puddin'.

You the one who

left this baby

at my doorstep?

Yes, i am.

But i realized

Even though he's

a black hearted little monster,

I couldn't possibly live

Without my little

snookie-ookums.

Thank you for taking

such good care of him.

Well, your kid's

a creepy little

dweeb, lady.

In fact, he'll probably

start world w*r iii.

You don't like

my baby?

Johnny, i'm home!

How was

your day, sweetie?

I'd rather not

talk about it.

Hey, got any

fresh flies in there?

Oh, johnny!

[laughing]

And now, my science project.

Who is more intelligent --

johnny bravo,

Or a common ordinary lab mouse?

Hey, no fair!

Where's my cheese?

For years, scholars and

philosophers have been baffled

By one burning question

Where do the tiny people

in your tv come from?

Maybe if i follow this wire,

It'll lead me

to their tiny tv studio.

Hey, when i find 'em,

maybe they'll give me

Some tiny t-shirts and little

autographs, and stuff.

What the --

They must be pulling

from the other side.

[straining]

[grunting]

Stuck up tiny

little hollywood snobs.

Johnny, johnny,

you've gotta help me.

I'm a little busy, little girl,

what with a concussion and all.

But i've lost

my jiggle me jimbo doll.

You've gotta

help me find it.

What do i look like --

a detective?

Well, johnny,

if you found my dolly,

You would be

a detective.

And you know how girls

love private eyes.

I'll take the case.

There are a million stories

in a naughty city.

And the case of a missing dolly

was just one of them.

I started where

any good private eye would --

By looking for clues.

Aaah!

Giant ants!

Run for your lives!

[panting]

Whew!

Clues are scary.

Better stick

to digging up suspects.

Hmm, there's a suspicious type.

All-right, you,

where's the dolly?

Talk or you're going

up the river.

Oh!

I'm looking for a dolly.

Anyone seen it?

Where were you

on the night of the 16th?

At home watching tv.

Really? Did you see that

show about the wacky

tingblad family

Who adopt

the adorable chimp?

Hey, mister,

i saw your dolly.

I especially like the part

where the chimp tries

to make breakfast,

And everything goes

topsy-turvy.

I saw who took it, too.

Will you shut up?

I'm telling

the funny chimp story.

Whoa, mama!

She had long blonde hair

and legs for miles.

She was trouble.

Johnny likes trouble.

But, mister!

Outta my way, kid.

You obviously

don't know anything.

Excuse me,

i couldn't help noticing

You've got long blonde hair

and legs for miles.

What's it

to you, gumshoe?

Well, i'm a private eye,

and this is the part

of the story

Where you fall

in love with me.

Not likely, snoop.

Tell me what you know.

I ain't no stool pigeon.

Good, then i'll have

to search ya.

Ah, siccing the hired

muscle on me, huh?

Listen to me,

you overgrown --

[groaning]

Too bad.

You're kinda cute.

If you wanna talk again,

just whistle.

You know how to whistle,

don't you?

[no whistle]

Hi, johnny,

how's the case going?

I'm close.

I can feel it.

No, wait,

that's the soda can

Lodged between

my vertebrae.

Johnny, you won't find criminals

on a playground.

You gotta descend

into the belly of the beast.

You've gotta walk

the seedy rat holes

Where life's

angry losers paste

In their own twisted juices.

Hey, i know

just the place.

Welcome to pops.

I'm on a case, pops.

I'm tracking

a devious criminal

Who's perpetrated

a horrible crime.

I was never in detroit.

I don't know anything

About a missing shipment

of exotic sea turtles.

Actually,

it's about a dolly.

Oh, sorry, i don't know

anything about it.

Well, maybe this

will jog your memory.

Really, johnny,

i don't know a thing.

Ring any bells now?

Drawing a complete blank.

How about now?

Listen, johnny, i honestly don't

know what you're talking about.

All right, take it.

That's all i have.

Now start singing!

Sorry, son, i got nothing.

Oh, then can i have

my money back?

No.

I don't get it, pops.

How can i solve this case

without doing a lot of work?

Have you tried roughing up

some of the lowlifes

in the diner?

Thanks, pops, you're

always there for me.

Don't sweat it, son.

Hey, bobo, close the kitchen!

We're going to the dog tracks!

Now let's see,

which one of these yeggs

Should i senselessly

rough up?

Tell me what you know,

and i don't mean tomorrow.

I couldn't help overhearing

you mention the doll.

I have information

you may find useful.

Not talking, eh?

Maybe these drops of water

will loosen your tongue.

No, not the little

drops of water!

Talk!

Talk, i say!

You idiot!

I'm trying to help you.

When i need your help,

i'll ask for it.

Now tell me what i need to know.

Don't make me

use the ketchup.

You leave me

no recourse

But to call

my associate.

Otto!

Otto, huh?

Well, bring him on.

I ain't scared of no --

Hello, otto!

I haven't seen you

Since you beat me

to a pulp this morning.

Hi, johnny,

what's the skinny?

I'm off the case.

You can find your

own stupid doll.

Don't quit now, johnny.

I'll double your salary.

But you're not

paying me anything.

I'll triple it!

Done.

The rain dripped down

like mayonnaise

On the giant cheese hoagie

of a city gone bad.

I turned the clues

over and over

Until finally

the answer hit me.

Oh.

Huh?

I'll just buy

what's-her-name a new doll

So i can go home

and watch television.

Hey, the lock's been jimmied.

It's the blonde lady

from the park.

You're in way

over your head, johnny.

Get out

while you still can.

Who are those dolls for?

Don't make me get rough.

They're for my sister.

Lies!

They're for my mother.

They're for my sister

and my mother.

Stop, i'll talk!

I'm hoarding them all

so i can resell them

to kids

At jacked-up prices.

You fiend!

But you're never gonna

tell anyone.

Say your prayers,

johnny.

[grunting]

Johnny!

We got here just in time.

Actually,

a couple of seconds sooner

Would have been really sweet.

Can you get me

off the hook, johnny?

For old times' sake?

Sorry, toots, you ran

me over with a tiny car.

You're taking the fall.

That's too bad, 'cause it was

you i loved, johnny,

Right from the start.

It was her, officer!

The little annoying kid --

she was behind it all along.

Let's go, sister.

Oh, give her

another chance!

She'll be good,

i promise!

It was the kid,

i tell ya!

She's a criminal

mastermind!

Thank goodness

i got you back, jimbo.

Eww, you got all yucky!

Look out.

Huh! Ha!

Uh!

Oh, mama!

A babe

Mercy!

Whatever.