02x09 - Panic in Jerky Town/Alien Confidential/Mama's New Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

1-2-3Hah!

Baby.

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

Johnny: I won! I won!

Oh, happy day!

Galloop gallam!

Huh hah!

Fall on your head

again, johnny?

Well, yeah.

But that's not

why i'm happy.

I won the "why

i like jerky"

essay contest,

Sponsored by

jerky jake's

beef jerky.

Huh hah!

750 pages of

literary gold.

You wrote 750 pages?

Aw, sure.

It was easy.

"i like

jerky jake's jerky

very, very, very

Very, very, very,

very, very, very"

First prize is an

all-expenses-paid trip

for two to jerky town.

I get to meet

jerky jake himself!

The only question is,

who will i take?

Trip for two, huh?

Well, i've always

wanted to visit

jerky town.

Ha ha!

Let's see.

Who could i get

to go with me?

Been kind of

a dream of mine

since i was a boy.

I could take the guy

who lives in that tree

in the park!

I'm self-employed.

I could clear

the whole week.

I know! I'll take

my pet fish--waldo.

Look, just take me.

Ok? Take me!

Why?

You want to go?

Here we are, pops.

Jerky town.

The jerkiest

place on earth.

Look, johnny!

Is that who

i think it is?

It's jerky jake

himself!

Jake: Hello, my friends!

Welcome! Wel--

I meant to do that.

Well, well,

you must be johnny.

Welcome to

jerky town, my boy.

You are my king!

And i am your

obedient sl*ve.

Rise, johnny.

I'm just a man.

A man who's carved

an empire from

dried meat! Ha ha!

Now, prepare yourselves,

For you're about

to see wonders that

Only a privileged few of you

have been privileged to

Oh, just follow me.

Wow. The hall o'jerky.

Yes.

Within these halls

are honored some of

The great men

in jerky history.

This serious-looking

fellow is--

Hexapapades.

The first man

to eat sun-ripened

meat and live.

Oh, and look!

Otto of dusseldorf!

They say he never

stopped chewing.

Do you know what

this is, johnny?

Whoa! An authentic

1838 jerky gin.

It made mass production

of jerky possible for

the first time.

And united

a continent!

Hmm. I could use

one of those

at the diner.

No, pops,

the jerky gin is

Strictly regulated

by international law.

That's right, pops.

I hope you're not

one of those industrial spies.

Ha ha!

Hmm.

Indeed,

your knowledge

of jerky

Is truly impressive,

johnny.

Some people

look at jerky

and say, "why?"

I look at jerky

and say, "mmm, jerky!"

You are

quite a lad!

Let's have some

fun, shall we?

A roller coaster

made entirely of jerky!

Hmm. It'll never

hold us.

Don't worry, pops.

The tensile strength

of jerky is 3,000 pounds

per square inch.

This is the safest ride

in the world.

Buckle up!

It gets

a bit rough.

Aah!

Whoa!

Well, that

was fun.

Pops: Er, where

exactly are we?

Inside

my factory.

The nerve center

of jerky town!

Pops: A river

of liquid jerky.

Astounding!

Johnny: And look!

The famous tiny cowboys

of jerky town.

Wow. I thought

they were just a myth.

Oh, no, johnny.

They're very real.

What are they doing,

jerky jake?

They're refilling

that machine with

My famous

ingredient "x."

And what might

that be?

No, pops!

If jake told

people what

ingredient "x' was,

Anyone could

copy his formula.

You are wise,

johnny bravo.

But how keen

is your palate?

See if you can

identify these

exotic jerky blends.

Mmm. Santa fe

serenade, 1967.

Puree.

But how about

this one?

[sniff sniff]

Hoboken heartburn,

Sassy.

Slightly impudent.

Impressive.

But can you identify

the flavoring agent?

Zanthium

dihexapolysorbonate.

Number?

Number 6.

My boy! My boy.

I've searched

for years to find

Someone to leave

my empire to

when i'm gone.

Your love of dried meat

has convinced me

That you are

that person!

You mean

Yes, i'm going to arrange

a press conference

And announce you

as my rightful heir.

Wait here.

Wow!

Hey, did you hear

that, pops?

I'm going to be

a jerky baron.

Uh, yeah.

That's aces, johnny.

I've got to know

what jake's secret

ingredient is.

Hey, pops. Huh!

Want to practice

bowing before me?

Uh, no, son.

I'm going to go

get a moist

towelette.

Be right back.

i'm going to be king

of jerky town, huh!

i'm going to be king

of jerky town, huh!

i'm going to be--

Hey! Where's pops?

Pops?

Pops! Your king

is calling you. Pops?

Pops' clothes coming from

the secret ingredient machine.

ButThatMeans

And so it is with

great pleasure

That i announce the name

of my heir apparent,

A boy you'll come

to know and love--

Jerky jake's jerky

is people!

People, i tells you!

[gasping and murmuring]

What is the meaning

of this?

You fiend!

You ground up pops

and made jerky

out of him.

I don't know

what you're

talking about.

Yeah, johnny.

What are you

talking about?

Pops!

I thought you were

ground up and made

into ingredient "x."

Ha! Nonsense.

I just came from

jake's secret

ingredient machine.

Turns out

ingredient "x"

Is vitamin enriched

soy cake.

Oh, no! Oh! Oh!

Oops.

Soy cake.

But that means that

Jerky jake's jerky

is health food!

It's health food,

i tells you!

It's a madhouse!

A madhouse!

Whoa!

Well, that was fun.

But i'd better

get home and finish

My 800 page manifesto

on nachos.

Mmm. Nachos!

He's been following me

for hours.

He doesn't know

i'm onto him,

But i am.

Play it cool, johnny.

Act casual.

Get ready to make

your move.

Now!

I got you! I got you!

Oh!

Round one goes

to you, shadow.

Huh! Hah!

But the w*r

will be mine.

I got you! I got you!

Uh-oh, reinforcements.

Huh? Ooh, saucery!

Ow.

Greetings,

people of earth.

I'm theramid

from the planet wendy.

I'm johnny from

the planet

Get-your-escalator-

off-my-head.

Oh.

Sorry.

I've traveled

many light-years

To bring mankind

the secret of

universal peace.

You an alien

life form?

I just said that.

Now, about the problems

besetting your planet

You do any tricks?

No.

I can.

That's very nice.

Now, as i was saying--

What's this belt do?

It holds

my pants up.

Hey, can i try

your hat on?

No!

[gasping]

Ha ha!

Get a load of me!

I'm a kooky

space man.

Set phasers

on wiggy.

Now, cut that out!

Look, i've come

to your planet

To bring an end

to w*r, famine,

and pestilence.

Give me a dollar.

Oh, by the spiral moons

of neptubula!

Just take me

to your leader.

My leader?

Yes. You know,

the person in charge

of you.

The one who makes

all the decisions

about your life.

Oh, you mean mama.

Follow me.

Now we're getting

somewhere.

Alien: No, no, no!

Look, i'll say it

once again.

Your technology

has far outpaced

your social evolution.

I'm going to fix

all that.

Hey, mama!

Look at me!

[gasping]

I'm a crazy

space man.

Johnny, stop

fooling around.

You don't

look well, dear.

That's because

this carbon-based nitwit

Keeps asphyxiating

me.

Stick out

your tongue.

Aw, mama.

Quit babying him.

He's on a mission

to bring us

some kind of

Space nachos

or something.

Not nachos.

Universal peace.

You see,

by disarming

the world powers--

You know what

always helps me is

a spinal adjustment.

Look, i really

don't think--

Now, don't worry.

I'm not a chiropractor

but i've seen them on tv.

And exhale.

Alien: Oh,

merciful heavens!

Now, you go

lie down for a bit

While i brew

some herbal tea.

Your leader

is ineffectual.

I order you to take me

to the united nations.

The what?

You know, the place

where people from

different cultures

Get together

to talk turkey

and settle beefs.

Oh, you mean

pop's diner.

Follow me.

Johnny: Couple of

root beers, pops.

Who's your weird

little friend,

johnny?

He's a space alien,

pops.

And he has much

to teach us

About alien chicks

and junk.

Ha! Tell him,

little dude.

Thank you.

Good people of

the united nations,

I come bearing

the secret of

universal peace.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Just hold on there,

little man.

We earth people

don't cotton to

any kind of

Extraterrestrial

intervention.

We like to do

things our way.

No!

You don't understand.

I understand this.

You start with your

flowery talk about

peace and love,

And the next thing

you know,

We're all being

herded into

a giant spaceship

To be used

as sl*ve labor

In one of

your intergalactic

spice mines!

Ha! Look at that.

Ha ha!

Now, cut that out!

Look, do you want

the secret of

universal peace or not?

Hello, mama bear?

This is red dog.

How soon can you get

an angry mob over

to the diner?

Right over here,

boys!

Don't worry,

little buddy.

Johnny'll save you.

[gasps]

Sorry.

Get them!

They're going

out the back!

Aah!

Now, put me down!

Shut up!

I'm saving your life.

Hi, johnny!

Carl, you got

to help us.

This is--

I know, a highly

advanced alien

come to bring us

A message of

universal peace.

How did you know?

I saw the ship

in the park.

I explored it

and everything.

Listen, weed.

There's this

angry mob, right?

You know, i've

always wanted

to meet

A highly developed

alien.

"live long

and prosper!"

"nanoo, nanoo!

Shazbat!"

"glato berata

nicto!" what?

Thank you.

My pleasure.

[shouting]

There they are!

Get them!

Let's ride,

little guy.

Wait! I retuned

your gyroscopic stabilizer!

It runs better now.

We're almost free.

Yahhhh!

Uh-oh.

[police sirens wailing]

See ya later.

Aah!

Yahhh!

Quick! Use

your magic powers

to lift us.

I don't have

any magic powers.

Bummer.

Aah!

Contusiony.

Oh, that's it!

I've had it!

This planet stinks.

Hold on!

What about your plan

to give us space candy

and money?

It was

universal peace.

And you can't

have any!

I'm going back

to my planet

And telling everyone

that your planet

is stupid.

And they'll probably

blow you up,

And i'll just laugh

and laugh and laugh!

Oh, yeah?

Well, your brain's

outside your head!

Ooh!

Hey!

Where's he going?

He's going back

to his planet.

He said he hates you.

But he forgot

his gyroscopic

stabilizer.

Ugh!

Oh, i hate it here.

I wonder what

ever happened to

that alien dude.

Good night, folks.

[growling]

Huh? Oh, mama!

Hiyah!

Hey, there my little

etruscan honeybun.

Your burly

gladiator is here.

Hiyah!

Oh!

I came, i saw,

i broke a hip.

It's wiener loaf

night!

Hello, mailbox.

It's wiener loaf night.

Hello, adorable puppy.

Ha! It's wiener loaf night.

[hissing]

Hello, toothless

carny workers.

Why so happy,

kid?

It's wiener loaf night.

I'm home, mama!

Wiener loaf me!

Man, spanish accent:

So elegant, so graceful.

Like a sleek jungle cat.

Rrraarrr!

Ha ha!

Oh, raoul, please.

You're

embarrassing me.

Ha ha!

Oh, hello, johnny.

[skreeetch]

Where's

my wiener loaf?

Oh! I completely

forgot!

I was having such

a marvelous time.

Oh, you must

be johnny.

I've heard so much

about you.

Such a good-looking

young man.

But how could

you not be

With such

a beautiful mother?

Ha ha!

Johnny, this is

raoul montoya,

A wealthy

south american

tire magnate.

He's my new,

um

Say it, bonnie.

Say it.

Boyfriend!

Ha ha!

No!!

When i first met

your mother

At the nicotine

patch counter

at the pic 'n pay,

I knew this was

a woman.

Johnny: I'm hungry.

Raoul:

The face of an angel.

The body of

a '57 dodge dart.

Where's

my blankey?

Legs so strong

they could k*ll

a zebra

With a single kick!

You're not

my daddy!

Raoul, darling,

shouldn't we

be heading out?

Yes, bonnie.

Uh, um

I am a little

short of cash.

Might i borrow

some money

To take you

on a romantic

candlelit dinner?

If course, i will

pay you back with

generous interest.

Certainly, raoul,

my continental

hunk o' manpie.

Mama, no!

That's the money

you were saving

to buy us

That inflatable

native american

sweat lodge.

Don't be silly,

dear.

Now, i've left

some powdered soup

and stale crackers

On top of

the microwave.

Good night,

umEr

Johnny!

Johnny! Right!

Come, raoul. Ha!

That low-rent gigolo's

romancing my mama

to get at her savings.

No telling

how low he'll sink

Or what he might

do to her!

Don't worry, mama!

I'll save you!

Mmm. Soup.

Mmm. Ay, mi amor.

De noche cuando me acuesto

le rezo a la virgen

de la macarena.

What can

i get you?

Oh, order

for us, raoul.

You're such

a gourmand.

I am thinking of

a thin, flaky crust,

Lightly garnished

with oregano,

And just

a suggestion

of anchovy.

Get me

a number 7!

Easy on

the chum!

Bonnie, my darling,

You've hardly

touched your diet

orange soda.

Oh, you naughty boy!

You know the bubbles

make me giddy!

As your love

makes me giddy,

my venus in spandex.

Ha ha!

Venus, ha ha!

Ha ha!

Aah!

There there are now.

That dime store

casanova has mama

eating out of his hand.

I'd better stay close

so he doesn't try

anything funny.

Whoa!

Here's your pie,

weasel.

Oh, is there any

shredded pimento

on the table?

Allow me, my little

butter sprite.

I always carry my

own private stock.

Ah ha!

Johnny!

You fiend!

You know

mama's allergic

to pimento.

That's pine nuts,

dear.

Lies! All lies!

Allow me to

'splain, johnny.

Eat marinara,

dirt ball!

Sancho panza!

Johnny!

What are you doing?

Open your eyes,

mama!

Raoul is just after

you for your cookie

jar money!

Johnny, if you

keep this up,

I'm going to have

to punish you.

Now, now, bonnie.

The boy is

simply filled with

The rambunctiousness

of youth.

He'll come

to respect me

in time.

Eh, johnny?

Come, my little

wood nymph.

The night awaits.

Mama: Oh, raoul!

Here's the check,

bud.

Aw, he's good.

He's very good.

Raoul: Bonnie,

tonight has been

magical and exciting

In a very tingly

kind of way.

Oh, raoul!

I'm falling for you

like a bad souffle.

Bonnie.

Besame mucho.

Besame mucho!

Oh, no!

Frenchy's trying

to strangle her!

Whoa!

Aah!

[thud]

Ugh! I'm ok.

Whoops!

The important thing

is i saved you from

that lying scoundrel.

For your information,

johnny, raoul stopped

at the atm machine

And paid me the money

he owed me,

Plus enough extra

to buy our sweat lodge!

You mean, raoul was

on the level?

Aw, mama!

I'm sorry i tried

to come between you

and your happiness.

Why, you lousy,

little donkey-headed

estupido!

I put up with you

for long enough.

Ow!

Unhand him, you nasty

finger-pointing beast!

But, bonnie,

i hardly touch him.

Eat sky,

caballero!

Aah!

Raoul: I call you

sometime, ok?

Here's your

wiener loaf, baby.

Aw, thanks, mama!

Promise me you'll

never let anyone

Come between us

again.

I promise, dear.

I promise.

Look out!

Huh! Hah!

Oh, mama!

A babe! Mercy!

Whatever