02x08 - Johnny and the Beanstalk/A Boy and His Bird/Ape Is Enough

[bunniefuu]

1, 2, 3, ha!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Huh! Ha! Huh!

Do the monkey with me.

Come on.

Hey there, baby.

Ooh! Ow!

Yeah, whatever.

HmmYou're good.

You're very good.

But i'm better.

Gin! Pay the man.

Oh, johnny!

The dry cleaning bill

is due,

And i don't have

the money to pay.

Aw, mama.

What did i tell you

About watching

the chotsky

shopping network?

You know

i can't resist a sale

on porcelain figurines!

Aw, come on, mama.

You know i hate

to see you cry.

Then it's settled.

You're taking the family cow

to market and selling her.

Aw, mama!

You never let me

have any pets.

[moo]

Say, that's a mighty

fine-looking holstein

you got there.

Good card player, too.

Heh heh.

You're kind of simple,

ain't you, son?

I like that.

I tell you what

i'm gonna do.

I'm gonna trade you

a bottle of this here

hair tonic

For that there cow.

What do you think,

i just fell off

the yutz wagon?

You're right, son.

I deeply apologize.

Give me two bottles.

Done! Nice doing

business with you.

Treat her good, now.

Don't worry,

she's gonna be

a guest of honor

At a little barbecue

i'm throwing.

Can i come?

No.

Oh, i'll never

let you go.

Never, never!

You're all my babies!

I'm back, mama.

Did you get

the money, dear?

I got something

better than money:

Wild bill's hair tonic.

You sold

the family cow

For a bottle

of hair tonic?

Two bottles.

Ain't i slick?

Aah!

Now i'll never get

my muumuus back

from chumley's cleaners.

Johnny do bad?

Mama, no!

Now, you march

right upstairs,

young man,

And don't come down

Until i feel

the need to smother

you with affection.

Later that night

Aah!

A giant hair stalk!

Maybe i'll find

gold treasure

Or pizza.

MmmJohnny likes pizza.

Whoa! A castle in the sky.

Just like in that fairy tale

Little red rumpelstiltskin

and the 3 bears.

And gretel.

Aah!

[crash]

Stupid cloud.

Huh!

UhUh!

Huh!

Who's there?

Johnny!

Johnny who?

Ha! Huh! Ha!

Johnny bravo.

That's the worst

knock-knock joke

i ever heard.

What do you want?

What any young adventurer

would want:

Fame. Huh!

Fortune. Huh!

Pizza.

Extra cheese,

no anchovies.

You know, you're

the perfect size

for an action figure.

My old ones are

all busted up.

Uh-huh.

Well, look,

you're a busy guy,

so i'll just--whoa!

How would you like

to be

My very specialist

playmate?

How'd you like to get

your sweaty mitts

off of me?

Here's a tip:

Try a breath mint.

You've got spunk.

I like that

in an action figure.

Come on!

Let's have some fun!

Oh! Oh! What should

we play with first?

Let's play

"johnny-in-the-box."

Ok, tiny, that's it.

I'll give you

5 seconds to--whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, watch the hair!

Aah!

Huh!

Aah!

Huh! Ha! Huh! Ha! Huh! Ha!

Kids, don't

try this at home.

Oh, the fun

is just beginning.

Hey, what's with

the stupid hat?

I thought we'd have

a bracing game

of badminton.

Aah!

Watch the birdie!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[crash]

[tires screech]

[crash]

Oh, i hope he regains

consciousness soon.

I want to play some more!

Tsk. Tsk. Another

giant hair stalk!

What do i pay

property taxes for?

Oh, look

at these split ends.

Man: Howdy, ma'am.

I couldn't help noticing

You got a giant hair stalk

on your lawn.

Now, i just happen to have

some hair remover that'll

take care of that in a jiffy.

But i don't have

any money.

No money? Hmm. Got any

porcelain figurines?

Hey, nice set of wheels.

Huh! Now for a quick getaway.

Whoa!

Let's take you

for a little spin.

Now, drive carefully.

These weekend motorists

can be nuts. Ha ha ha!

You would know.

Whoa, mama!

Hey, that wasn't so bad.

That all you got,

sasquatch?

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Whoa!

Ha ha! Nothing

can stop me now.

[crash]

So, look, except

for the pain and terror,

i had a swell time,

So i'll just

head home and--

Let's play

hide-and-go-seek.

I'll hide,

and you count to 100.

[muffled screams]

Giant: I don't hear

you counting!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5--

Bet you can't

find me, johnny!

Huh?

Oh, gee.

I wonder where

old tall, dark,

and tubby is hiding.

Hee hee.

You'll never find me

in a million years.

Well, in that case,

i'm out of here.

Hey! Where are

you going?

Don't leave!

We haven't even bobbed

for watermelons yet!

Oh, this better work.

That porcelain shepherd boy went

perfectly on my acrylic wet bar.

Huh?

Here we go again.

Aah!

Oh, that looks

like fun!

Whee!

Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha ha! Now, where is

my tiny friend?

Johnny: Knock knock.

Who's there?

Getcher.

Getcher who?

Get your butt off of me,

you big ape.

Oh, that's a good one.

Ha ha ha!

Now, you've done it.

My mama's not gonna

like that crater.

Hey, that gives me

an idea.

So tell me, johnny,

How did you ever get

the money

To buy my muumuus,

porcelain figurines,

and the cow back?

Aw, nothing to it, mama.

I just charged

all the neighbor kids

To use

our new swimming pool.

[kids yelling]

[moo]

[kids shouting]

You're good.

You're very good.

But i'm better.

Gin. Pay the man.

[crash]

Johnny: Ow.

Johnny: Stealthily,

the great blond hunter

st*lks his prey.

The dangerous man-eating

tree squirrel!

Unaware of his peril,

The vicious beast

chomps on a nut

With his massive incisors.

Slowly, cautiously,

the hunter prepares to pounce.

Huh!

Come back here!

[squirrel chatters]

I got ya!

Huh!

You win this round,

my fluffy nemesis.

Uh! Uh!

Oh!

Winded, but undaunted

by his setback,

The hunter decides

To check out babes.

Hey, baby,

lose the pooch.

Huh! I'm all

the puppy love

you need.

Foo-foo, attack!

[growls]

Aah!

[arf arf]

Huh!

Can i crash here

till the heat's off?

Aah!

Keep away,

i know karate.

Ohh!

Now, where did

that chick get to?

Foo-foo,

don't bother

the man.

That's all right.

They seem to have taken

quite a shine to each other.

Your puppy is so cute!

And by the laws

of association,

I'm now finding you

irresistible as well.

Are you free

for lunch?

I'd be delighted.

Slowly, the mighty hunter

puts two and two together:

Chicks dig doggies.

Johnny:

I want to buy a dog.

Woman:

Certainly, sir.

Any particular breed?

What do you got?

There's a dog

for every type

of person:

The noble collie,

for the man of action.

Too hairy.

The sleek greyhound

for the sporty type.

Too houndy.

The mysterious

and exotic sharpei--

Adorable companion

Or horrible

genetic mutant?

You decide.

Hey, what's this one?

Oh, he's one of our

unfortunate cases.

I'm afraid he's got

a bit of a behavior

problem.

Now, down here--

Huh! Hey,

i think he likes me.

No. Actually,

he's trying to

pick parasites

Off of

your skin.

HmmThat might be useful.

I'll take him.

Sir, are you

a complete idiot?

Who's a cute

little doggie?

Who's a cute

little dog? Ha!

I'll write up

a receipt.

Huh! Ha!

Hey, baby.

Foo-foo.

[growls]

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm a dog lover,

too.

See?

Oh, where is the little

poochie woochie?

Here, rex.

[whimpers]

[snarls]

No, rex.

Down, boy!

[whimpers]

So, uhWant

to get lunch?

Get that horrible creature

away from me!

[snarls]

Aah!

Aah!

[snarling]

[gasps]

Mad emu!

[yelling]

Johnny:

It was horrible, mama.

Everyone was yelling

and screaming.

It was like

they'd never seen

a dog before.

Oh! Get him

away from me,

johnny!

He's frightening me

With those

terrible black eyes

Like a doll's eyes.

[snarls]

Don't mind

rex, mama.

He's just

hungry.

That's another thing,

johnny.

Do you know what

60 pounds of avocados

cost per day?

But, mama, rex loves

his fruit smoothies.

Oh, johnny. I'm afraid rex

is gonna have to go.

Huh?

[growls]

No, rex! No!

[snarling]

[glass breaks]

[screaming]

Dog for sale.

Only slightly used.

[australian accent]

g'day, mate.

Want to buy a dog?

Well, that's

not a dog.

That's an emu:

A flightless bird

What hails from

our native country

of australia.

Yeah, whatever.

You want him?

Well, now,

a bit of emu might make

us feel right at home.

Open the door, kids.

He likes avocados

And punting

little rat dogs.

Yeah, well,

who doesn't?

You look hungry,

johnny.

Naw, pops, i'm sad.

Eh, close enough.

You want to try

today's special?

Emu burger jardiniere--

You mean,

people eat emu?

You betcha.

Especially australians.

They can't get enough

of the stuff.

Rex!!

So, you want

a soda with that?

[animal howls]

Australian man:

He's a lovely emu, he is.

Pass the cranberry sauce.

Oh, no!

I'm too late!

Stand aside,

you dirty, no-good,

emu-eating aussies!

Hello, mate.

Care to join us?

In your horrible feast

of evil?

Never!

Come on, rex.

I'm busting you

out of here.

Stick around, mate.

There's plenty

enough for everyone.

You fiend!

Oh, well.

More vegemite, kids?

Mama:

Oh, he looks so pale.

It must've been

a terrible experience.

Have another

bedroom slipper.

[snarls]

Aw, rex likes you, mama.

He does?!

Oh, how sweet!

Well, i suppose

we could keep him

For a little while.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

Gasp! It's dr. Bruce savage

from the national zoo.

I see him on tv

all the time.

[clucking]

[clucking]

You know rex,

dr. Savage?

I'll say. In fact,

when his mother left

For a host gig

on the animal channel,

I personally kept

rex's egg warm

With my own

body heat.

Are you gonna

take rex away?

I'm afraid so,

johnny.

You see,

emus require very

specialized attention.

And besides,

rex has told me

That you're a danger

to yourself

and others.

Well, i guess this

is good-bye, rex.

[gurgling]

I hate to see

you sad, johnny.

Come on out to my van,

And i'll let you have

any other animal

you want.

Yahoo!

I'm the luckiest boy

in the world!

Huh ha!

Hey, baby.

How's about

you and me--

Aah!

I guess she doesn't

like animals.

Fetch, tigger.

Fetch, boy.

Huh!

Good dog.

Man: Welcome

to the chess match

of the century:

Johnny bravo versus

the super computer.

What's this horsy

thing again?

It's a knight.

Can i move here?

No.

King me.

There is no "king me"

in chess.

Hey, look at me.

I'm a martian.

[whirring and clicking]

Anyone up

for parcheesi?

Pops: No! No! The mosquito

netting goes in with

the prefab quonset hut.

Johnny:

Hey, pops,

Whip me up

a batch of your

famous squid cakes

And don't skimp

on the beaks.

Sorry, johnny, we're

closing early today.

I'm packing for my

annual recipe hunt

to the south seas.

I'm gonna be

first mate. Ahoy.

If you go on that

recipe hunt every year,

How come all you serve

is burgers and chili?

Because the food

in the south seas

is disgusting.

You know, johnny,

i could use an extra hand

To do the back-breaking

menial labor.

No way.

Too bad.

The gorgeous

native chicks will

be disappointed.

a-wala laka maka luki huki

Huh! That's johnny for,

"when do we leave?"

Johnny: Are we there yet?

Pops: No.

Are we there yet?

No.

Are we there yet?

Shut up!

[moaning]

You all right,

carl?

Oh, i'm fine.

I was just imitating

the plaintive mating call

Of the great tufted narwhal.

But i guess they

don't have them here.

Don't mess around

with the wildlife

in these parts, son,

They say the creatures

around skull island

Are dangerous

and prehistoric.

Luckily, we're headed

for harmless and peaceful

bikini island.

And here we are now.

No! Johnny,

that's skull island!

Aah!

Quick, veer

30 degrees

to starboard.

Huh?

Turn left!

My left?

Aah!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Ooh!

HmmThis place

isn't so bad.

I guess all that talk

about danger

Was just a lot of hooey.

[chanting native language]

Aah!

It's an interpretive

dance troupe.

No, johnny!

It's a tribe

of hostile natives.

Aw, who are you

trying to scare

with them cheesy masks?

[growling]

This won't end well.

Later.

[chanting]

Too bad.

I'm gonna miss him.

So, want to go look

for sea shells?

Pops, johnny's

in trouble.

We have to save him.

Oh, right. Uh, save him.

Ha! Uh, that's what i meant.

So, like, it was nice being

sacrificed by you and all,

But i gotta go now.

[yelling]

[wolf whistles]

Well, i guess i could

stay a little longer.

Great seats,

eh, carl?

Poor johnny.

What'll we do?

Hey, i suggested

looking for sea shells.

I can't come up

with all the ideas.

[growling]

Where's everybody going?

Someone untie me!

[sniffs]

Why, i smell bananas.

Aah!

Whoa!

It's a good thing i know you

giant apes are all vegetarians.

That's my best friend

you're playing with,

you big ape!

You put him down right--

Whoa!

[burps]

This might be

a good time

to mention

That i'm high

in hdl cholesterol.

That's the bad kind.

Drat, now we're really

getting off schedule.

I like your place.

The dirt really

Sets off the mildew.

Ha! Look, this ain't

gonna work out.

I-i'm a libra,

and you'reUhAn ape.

People would talk.

This won't end well.

Johnny, if you and your friend

are through fooling around,

I've got to sample

some gazpacho in

pago pago in two hours.

Did i sound pushy

just then?

Bye, pops.

Say hi to carl

when you see him.

[screeching]

[roaring]

Come on, pops.

Now's our chance

to escape.

Hang on, johnny.

This ape obviously has

a little crush on you.

Yeah, whatever.

Let's go.

That gives me

an idea.

Great,

tell me later.

By using you as bait,

we can lure the ape

back to town.

The publicity

for the diner

will be huge!

Sounds dangerous.

Only for you.

I stand to make

millions!

Tell you what,

I'll split it

with you 95-5.

You could make

over$50.

I'm in!

[roars]

Hold on tight, kids.

Here we go!

Here, pops.

I've already

plotted our course.

Aah!

Carl, i--i saw

the ape swallow

you whole.

How did you escape?

I'd really rather

not discuss it.

Pops: Step right up.

See the eighth wonder

of the world,

A creature so terrifying

You'll be extremely terrified.

Man: Look, it's

the ape's boyfriend.

Shut up. We're

just good friends.

Yeah, right.

Snuggle up, romeo.

Let's get a shot

of you two together.

[cheers]

UhWe better

be careful, pops.

We may be agitating

the ape too much.

I'm sorry, carl,

i can't see you.

I have huge dollar

signs in my eyes.

Now let's get

a shot of you with

some sexy supermodel.

Oh, yeah,

i can do that.

[roars]

I told you so.

I told you so.

Down, girl, down.

They mean nothing to me.

It's you. It's always

been you, baby.

Oh!

Look, i'll make

it up to you.

We'll go away

this weekend.

[roars]

My baby!

Don't you worry,

sweetie,

I'll save you

from that giant ape hussy!

Right after

i finish my reps.

Seriously,

flowers, candy,

the whole 9 yards.

[roars]

Whoa. You know,

you're beautiful

when you're angry.

Mama: Get away from him,

you darn dirty ape!

Mama,

be careful!

Lock and load, baby.

No, mama!

Not your vacation

slides from tampa!

Ok,

this is me by the pool

at the fountainbleu.

This is me

and aunt shirley

on the donkey ride.

This is me eating

a $1.99 prime rib

at the casino.

It was good,

but just a little

gamey.

Was beauty

vanquished the beast

Got that right.

Ahh.

Could i get a paramedic?

Look out.

Huh! Ha!

Uh!

Whoa, mama!

A babe!

Mercy!

Whatever.