02x13 - A Very Special Drawn Together After School Special

[bunniefuu]

[HUMMING]

Here, boy!

Here, boy! Has
anyone seen our dog?

You mean thirsty? He out back.

Oh, darn. I need
to talk to someone.

You see, I'm going to
visit my parents next week,

and I still haven't
told them I'm g*y.

Xandir, you really
should tell them.

Admitting you have a problem
is the first step to recovery.

You know what might help? If we
all did a little role-playing.

Ooh, that's a great idea.
Toot, you be Xandir's mama,

and Captain Hero, you
gonna be Xandir's, um...

Uh...

Papa?

Papa? Where?

Oh.

OK, I'll try.

Um, mommy, daddy,

I'm g*y.

Well, son, I'm sure I speak for
the both of us when I say...

Uh, duh! Uh, duh!

I should have known
you would mock me.

Life is just one big mildly
amusing cartoon to you guys.

Oh come on buddy, you
know we all hate you.

You guys are such assholes.

And not the good kind.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[CRYING]

Xandir, sorry about before.
We wanna help.

Ah, you'll just make
fun of me again.

No, we won't, g*y friend.
I swear on your g*y eyes.

Come on, Xandir. Let's give
this role-playing another try.

OK. Here goes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mom, dad,

I'm g*y.

What? You're a g*dd*mn q*eer?

How could you do this to us?

I'm not doing this to you, mom.

This is just the way I was born.

Told you not to huff airplane
glue while you were pregnant.

At least airplane glue knew how
to make me feel good, zema d*ck.

Zema helps me relax!

Wow. You guys are really committing
to this role-playing. Ow!

Shut up. Just shut the hell up.

You're hurting me.

Not as bad as you're
hurting everyone else.

Just look how fat
you've made your mother.

Stan, no! Stop this!

Get off me, woman!

Mom, are you OK?

I just... Well, I have
a casserole in the oven.

Wow. Toot really nailed my
mom's ability to take a punch.

Hmm. Are we gonna
talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

You are not g*y. I forbid it.
End of discussion.

Mom?

You heard your father.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, whoever could that be?

Look, everyone.

It's Xandir's old high
school girlfriend,

Mary Lou slutsky.

What a surprise.

[GROANS]

Hi, Xandir.

My mama finally got her settlement
check and got herself a double wide.

Yes, and she deserves it.

She gave ten years of her life and six
of her fingers to that chicken plant.

You know, I've been
practising this trick

where I drink 10 beers and let
you do whatever you want to me.

I'm getting real good at it.

Uh, Mary Lou, I'm
really flattered.

Damn right you're
flattered, son.

Now, give that
little sl*t a hug.

Go on now.

Yeah. Doesn't that feel good?

Oh, I am very attracted to
you because you are a woman.

Oh Xandir! Kiss me!

[KISSING NOISES]

And now I will put my
p*nis into your vag*na.

Thank you.

Stop it, you guys.

I'm g*y, and this isn't
going to change that.

You're... g*y?

[SOBBING]

We can't do this
alone, Xandir's mom.

We need to bring
in a professional.

Fear not, family in crisis.

I spend a lot of
time with young men

who are struggling
with h*m* urges.

I know how they
think, how they feel.

I don't want my
son to go to hell,

or wherever the gays
and Jews end up.

Padre, can you fix him?

I'm not broken, dad.

Well, I guess that's the difference
between you and my heart.

If this family is ever to heal,

you must learn to
understand each other.

Let us start with some
simple role-playing.

Father, we were
already role-playing.

Hey, I'm the one
counselling the family here.

If I have any questions about tongue-diving
a stink tube, I'll ask you. OK?

Fair enough.

Now, you be the g*y's dad.

Oh. OK.

I love football.

And you be the g*y.
I ain't gonna be no h*m*.

Fine. You be Xandir's mom.

Fine. I'm asking for this.

Then who am I?

You're the h*m*.

Can I be the dad?

OK, you be Stan.

Then who the hell am I?
The q*eer.

I wanted to be the q*eer.

I don't have time
for this nonsense.

I have a casserole in the oven.

That's just it, mom.

There was always a
casserole in the oven.

You never had time for me.

Oh, my god. You're right.

I'm sorry, baby. Come to mama.

Oh!

Would you stop coddling him?

That's why he's such a sissy.

It's bad enough you
breast-fed him until he was 5.

Sacrificing all the
sensitivity in my n*pples.

Not like you care.

Show some respect, Xandir's mom.

Oh!

Don't you hurt my mother. Oh!

[GROWLS] I'm the
man of this house,

and nobody disrespects me.

Now, you get out of here
and never come back.

But... I'm your son.

My son is dead.

[CHANTING]

Mom.

[WHIMPERS]

[CHANTING]

[SOBBING]

Oh, god!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well, that went well.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have a nooner.

So you want to be an altar boy.

No, I don't. You took
me from the playground.

God took you from
the playground.

Whee!

There was nothing
left for me at home.

So I went as far away
as I possibly could.

Whoa. The big city.

Hey there, kiddo.

Oh. Hello, kind stranger.

I noticed you looked
a little lost.

You know anyone around here?
Need a place to stay?

I'm completely on my own now.

All I have left is a dream.

Oh, yeah? What dream is that?

I wanna be a star.

Well, you're in luck, kid.

It just so happens

I'm in the star-making business.

Here you go, daddy.

Who's the new b*tch?

I'm Xandir, and I'm
gonna be a St...

The adults are talking.

Xandir's gonna stay
with us for a while.

And you, chocolandra love,

you're gonna show him the ropes.

Fine. Here are the ground rules.

I am daddy's number-one girl.

No condoms in the toilet.

And don't leave the
stove on all night.

And don't dry the
laundry in the stove.

And do not use the
stove as a heater.

I ain't allowed to
use the stove no more.

Ptth!

[GRUNTING]

Hey, you want another
drink there, uh, Stan?

Hey, can I get a beer?

Did you just ask if I'm q*eer?

Just 'cause my son's g*y

that doesn't mean
that I'm g*y, too.

Uh, look, I just
asked for a beer.

Hey, stop hitting.

Yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. That hurt.

It really do.

This is so worth half of
my fixed monthly income.

Hey, daddy, I just wanted to say

I really appreciate everything
you've done for me...

Giving me a place to stay and
buying me these fancy threads.

You know, that's real seal skin.

Oh.

I just wish there was some
way I could repay you.

As a matter of fact, there is.

Oh.

Our bills are coming due.

We're a little
bit short on cash.

Luckily, an associate of mine, Mr.
Nagasaki, is in town.

He's a very generous man. Oh.

Very generous.

Ain't that right, Mr. Nagasaki?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

I'll leave you two
love-birds alone.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

I... what?

What?

[SOBBING]

[INHALES]

Ahh!

Mary Lou?

Hey, Xandir's dad. What
happened to your eye?

Nothing. Nothing.

What are you doing out at this hour?
It's getting dark.

Play practice went
a little late.

Hop in. I'll give
you a ride home.

You like starship?

Who doesn't?

♪ We built this city ♪

Heater's broke, but
it's warm over here.

You can slide over
nice and close.

♪ We built this city
on rock and roll ♪

Mary Lou, I don't know why my
boy ever broke up with you.

You sure are a
pretty little thing.

Why, thank you, Xandir's dad.

Now, I know you've
been with lots of boys,

but have you ever
been with a man?

Ah... mmm.

[MOANING]

Ah, yeah.

You like my thumb,
don't you, b*tch?

Well, let me show you
something almost as big.

So was he any good, Mr.
Nagasaki?

Sorry about that. He's new.

So dirty. Dirty, dirty. Oh-oh!

It gets easier.

Every time it's gonna
get a little bit easier.

You know, sometimes I just
pretend I ain't even there.

I imagine I'm in a
whole nother place.

A happy place.
A place that got ribs.

Come here, baby.

[SOBBING]

Hey, Xandir, you got
another customer.

Word's getting around
town you cry a lot.

Japanese businessmen love that.

Let's go.

Remember, Xandir.

Ribs.

Ohh! [GASPS]

Oh, my god! Stanley!

Oh, my god! Xandir's mom!

Can someone explain to
me why we're doing this

when Xandir's not around?

How could you, Stan?
And in our own bed.

She means nothing to me.

Good. Then I'll throw her out.

How could you do
this to me, to us?

I'm a man. I have needs.

Why don't you touch me anymore, Stan?
I'm your wife.

You're not the woman I married.

You're more like the woman
who ate the woman I married.

You have 3 children and
we'll see how your hips look.

Fine. You wanna know why
I never touch you anymore?

It's because...

Every time I look at you,

I see his eyes,

his g*y, g*y eyes.

Oh, baby, I know.

It hurts when you
finally realise you care.

Baby, I'm so sorry for
the way I treated you.

I need help. I need help.

I'll help you.

Mmm. Mmm!

Oh, Stan!

Oh!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Mr. Nagasaki is dead!

Dead!

What the hell happened?

I did just what he asked.

I got on top of
the sh1tting table,

and the glass, it
just shattered.

I told daddy if he want
a quality shittin' table,

you gots to go German.

Them swedes don't
know crap about sh*t.

Daddy's gonna k*ll me.

Mr. Nagasaki was
his best customer.

That's only 'cause he thinks
every Asian guy is Mr. Nagasaki.

I was gonna be a star.

Xandir, focus.

You do as I say,

and I'm gonna get you
out of this mess, baby.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Now, we got to get
rid of the body.

Daddy gonna be back from
the opera in 20 minutes.

[SIGHING]

That... was...

Incredible.

I know.

Yet something was Missing.

Our son.

Our g*y, g*y son.

♪ 'Cause you belong
to the city ♪

♪ You belong to the night ♪

♪ Living in a
river of darkness ♪

♪ Beneath the neon lights ♪

♪ You were born in the city ♪

♪ Concrete under your feet ♪

♪ It's in your moves ♪

♪ It's in your... ♪

Thank you so much, chocolandra.

Now, when we done here, you
gonna pack your bags and run

and don't ever look back.

You understand?

Run? I can't run.

You don't belong here, Xandir.

You're too beautiful
for this world.

But daddy will
k*ll me if I leave.

I will handle daddy.

You just go home to your family.

My parents, they don't love me.

Of course they love you. A
mama never stop loving her son.

I should know, for
I, too, am a parent.

Chocolandra?

Xandir, I need you to
do something for me.

When you gets out of here, you
go to Kansas city, Missouri.

There's an orphanage
on top of the hill.

Find a boy with eyes like mine,

and you tell him that
his mama love him.

Tell that boy... I'm sorry.

Kansas city, Missouri.

I will, chocolandra. I will.

Good.

[SQUISHING]

Hey, Xandir, you
Missed quite an opera.

♪ k*ll the rabbit, k*ll the...
♪ hey, what the...

Where the hell are you going?

Oh. I, um...[CHUCKLES]

You trying to run out
on me, b*tch, huh?

There's only 2 ways out
of daddy's stable...

Death or promotion in our
management training program.

And we're trying to fill
those slots with minorities.

Hey, they're not asking
for a handout, just a hand.

[WHIMPERING]

Please, daddy, no. Don't sh**t.
I wanna be a star.

[g*n c*ck]

Ah!

Run, Xandir! Run!

Come with me, chocolandra.

I can't. This is my life.

No, it isn't.

OK, let's go.

[g*nsh*t]

Ohh! Uhh!

Chocolandra!

[COUGHS] Go, Xandir.

And remember... [COUGHING]

Kansas... city,

Missouri.

Is that supposed
to mean something?

Oh, Timmy. Ohh!

I am so mad at you.

[GASPS]

Sic semper tyrannus.

Ohhh! Agggh!

Ahhhhhhh!

Die, you son of a b*tch!

Ohhh!

[g*n c*ck]

I told you, nobody
leaves daddy's stable.

Now I'm gonna blow your limp
wristed, mangina-loving brains out.

Nobody calls my son a limp-wristed,
"mangina-loving brains out" but me.

Dad.

Uh. h*m*'s daddy says what?

What?

Exactly.

Ow!

Mama!

Oh, son!

[GRUNTING]

[g*nsh*t]

Ah!

I...

Papa! Stan!

Freeze! Put your hands up!

Xandir.

I'm so sorry.

Shh.

Don't talk, dad.
Save your strength.

No. I must say this.

You're my son. I'm proud of you.

No matter how many
sausages you smoke,

no matter how many
fudge holes you poke,

no matter how many times you
dress up like princess leia,

you'll always be...

My son.

My g*y son.

No matter how many beer
bottles you shove up your a*s,

or potatoes or light bulbs or
whatever you people shove up there,

I accept you for who you are.

My son.

My g*y son.

My sausage-smoking,
fudge hole-poking,

light bulb-sticking
and snurd-nurgling son.

That's all I ever
wanted to hear.

Thanks, dad.

g*y.

So that's what'll happen when
I tell my parents I'm g*y.

Huh. Now I know what to expect.

Thanks, guys.

[HUMMING]

Mom, dad,

I'm g*y.

Well, son,

I'm sure I speak for the
both of us when I say...

Uh, duh! Uh, duh!

[APPLAUSE]

♪ You belong to the city ♪

♪ You belong to the night ♪

♪ Living in a
river of darkness ♪

♪ You belong... ♪