02x07 - Mathematics

[bunniefuu]

* Kids'--

[flat tone]

You're watchin' Horse Apples.

[laughing]

Whoo!

What? Hoo-hoo!

[snoring]

G-g-g-g.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Amen.

[muttering]

[giggling]

Eeeee!

c*ck-a-doodle-doo!

[blows raspberry]

[retches]

all: Horse Apples!

[horse whinnies]

[creaking]

I yell, "Sooey!" and my wife

comes a-runnin'.

't ain't nothin' I can do

to get my wife to come.

[both laughing]

You get it?

She don't come, 'cause I can't

do nothin' for her sexually.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm a complete failure

as a husband.

[both laughing]

What's that thing where once

a month, the women are bleeding?

Hmm!

Oh, yeah: my whiskey-fueled

alcoholic rages.

Oh.

I heard that the first

U.S. president had a sl*ve baby.

They're lettin' sl*ves have

babies now?

Stupid Washington fat cats.

They're lettin' cats get fat

now?

Stupid blacks.

My wife, she's been whining

about, "Teach me some kind

of sport."

all: Soccer?

Yeah, and I punched her

in the face too.

[guffaws]

Oh, hello, America.

You know, this truck is like

family to me.

I can get all up inside it

and just wiggle my pecker around

in it.

Oh, yeah, in Texas.

[rooster crows]

I got the good kind of

racism: testicular.

My dog licks his butt so hard

and so often that my tongue

is raw.

Nighty-night, kids.

[snoring]

Getting lost on your own

property is like chokin'

on the neck of your own wood,

and that's a hillbilly solid.

Roll over.

Here comes Dr. Raw.

Hey, you got all these

educationated people talkin'

about tryin' to save the planet.

Hey, how can I save the whole

planet when I can't even save

my wife from gettin' slugged

by her husband?

[blows raspberry]

I got me a mail-order bride

from Hambodia.

Can she understand you?

Heck, everyone can understand

a blunt lash of me

choco-stick.

Yeah.

Hey, Pigmeat, wake up.

You're having a nightmare.

I is?

Pucker up.

It's about to start.

Corn pone.

Yeah, I got a plate

in my head.

I got something to eat my wife

off of.

She's some fine china.

Ching-cha-chong.

[gong sounds]

I ain't never had a meal

that didn't have a prize

inside of it.

How 'bout that chili you ate

last year?

I found that chili

in a box of cereal.

What kind of cereal was that?

Something called Johnny Cat.

Lowbrow is a fella who farts

the national anthem.

Highbrow is the fella who stands

up and puts his hand on his

heart.

Now, that's what I call whey!

Welcome to Uncle Daddy's

Workbench.

[chuckles]

Yeah, right.

Well, it gets mighty lonely here

in the garage.

That's why you need to build

yourself a Bible buddy.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maybe you want to go out and get

some drinks or something?

Oh, strong, silent type,

are you?

Well under--

thwack!

Who's silent now?

Get up, you piece of [...!

[electronic music]

*

Yeah, I gets with the times.

I gets with the times.

I'm even thinking about

considering mulling over

the possibility of maybe

me getting one of them

newfangled cell phones--

I mean, pinecones.

I could talk to one of them all

day.

In my biblical research,

I went to see the chimps

at the zoo, but there was so

much hurling of feces that

the chimps woke up and started

throwing it back.

Look, I'm just a good ole

boy.

So if you can't drive it

or deep-fry it, I don't know

what to do with it,

so I did all three.

chomp!

[imitates car engine]

You two wanna have

a three-way?

It ain't yours, Pervis.

Ew!

Last night, I played

a little parlor game

with my sister.

all: Poker?

Yeah, and I punched her

in the face too.

[guffawing]

[wolf whistle]

I crossed a possum

with a cow.

all: What'd you get?

A hideous genetic mutation.

all: Yummy!

I was thinking about k*lling

myself.

What fer?

Fur is a hair coat you slice

off a raccoon.

[grumbles c*ons ruin]

everything.

all: Intolerance!

Whoo!

Hey, now, if I drownded

in a bathtub, would you give me

mouth-to-mouth?

Ooh, why would you be

in a bathtub?

Well, I'd just want to smell

purty for our mouth-to-mouth.

The Christian church only

serves to exacerbate the wounds

of my spiritual ache.

I hate whales.

all: What you doin', Crickey?

What you doin', Crickey?

I'm wiping my food now

so I don't have to wipe after

I poo-poo.

[guffawing]

Now, every seconds,

a woman is abused by her

husband.

We have got to find this woman

and stop her from sassin' off

to her man.

His dang ole hand hurts.

all: Amen!

I done made sweet love

to a lot of ladies in my time,

but there's one thing I ain't

never had: consent.

[giggling]

Crickey, you don't want

to know what you did at the bar

last night.

Aw, shucks!

Did I k*ll me another hooker?

Worse: you was krumpin'.

all: Aw, horse apples!

My best guppy died,

so I flushed him down

the toilet.

But I heard tell the toilet has

other uses.

I'd like to get some literature

on that if you've got any

pamphlets.

I'd also like to learn about

Jesus.

If you got any pamphlets that

cover both those things,

that would be optimum.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

Now, if you could just teach me

how to read, that'd be pretty as

Mama in her bra.

all: That's his catchphrase.

I like to put Asian

youngsters out of their misery

when they're sick.

Yeah, what you call it?

Vietnam conflict.

Pop, pop, pop.

What's that?

The re-bombed Nagasaki?

Oh, hang on just a minute.

I got to do a joke.

Them city folk have the nerve

to call us trash.

Well, I got bad news for you.

Trash belongs in the garbage.

What's that?

Oh, you want me to repeat

anything that you say for

the benefit of anybody who may

be listening?

My mama's been dying all

slowly-like.

all: Cancer?

No, I keep punching her

in the face.

It's the only way I know how to

express myself.

[guffawing]

What?

When I first met my sweetheart,

I got her in this here truck

and drove her to the point...

of disgust from my pale, useless

member.

Ain't nothing going on.

[metallic clanking]

all: We'll be white back.

[man whispers Horse Apples.]

[baby fussing]

Hey, you're just a baby,

and you want to get some milk

from your mama, but she done got

an ugly face?

[cow moos]

Get your ma a face bag,

baby's first Hag Bag.

And while you're here, get one

for your ugly baby.

[man whispers Horse Apples. ]

[coins clattering]

It's a good thing my baby

died, or I would've had to take

the weekend off.

Really?

How'd he died?

Could you have survived that

long in a dirty, filth-caked

dumpster?

Yeah.

And once he come out of my

body, it wasn't much cleaner.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My teacher done r*ped me.

But Clem,

you is home-schooled.

Oh, horse apples.

Dear Lord, my sister is so

fat.

How fat is she?

Well, the last time I ate

her, I had to get a doggy bag

halfway through.

My daddy's always making new

medicines to help my crippled

sister.

Elixir?

Yeah, he licks me too.

[both guffawing]

all: Yummy!

Y'all hire ret*rds?

Not no more.

I don't like the way they look

down their noses at me when I'm

down there on my knees at their

feet.

What you doing on your knees?

How'd you think they got

the job?

When I was , I saw

a Chinaman walkin' through our

town looking all different.

There was only one of them,

but I still couldn't tell him

apart.

I still couldn't tell that

individual human being apart.

Reverse racism?

That's when I back over the

Mexican that stole my job.

Arriba!

Some day, little critter,

you're gonna be swinging up

on that there tree.

In the real America,

family is number one.

I agree.

And I just familied the sheets.

That makes me feel warm.

I voted against my own

interests.

Yee-ha!

American pride ain't just

a word I shaved into my sister's

back; it's also an excuse

to b*mb the turban off

a sand n*gro--

I'm sorry, Sand-frican American.

[laughing ]Wow!

I like my women like I like

my moonshine: drunk, paid for,

and totally shaved.

I like my girls like I like

my beer: with nuts.

I like my women like I like

my ladies: synonymous with one

another, if you get what I'm

scratchin' at.

And if you laid with me,

you'd get a mighty itch.

My crotch crabs is so big,

melted butter seeps and slops

from my withered intimate.

[laughing]

[snoring]

I got me a reclining toilet

to so I can lay back and read

the Bible as the spirit moves

through me.

So you're the one that's been

wiping with Corinthians.

And now, a Horse Apples

classic.

Jessip, I've been drafted.

Hmm.

Happiest day of my life was in

Iraq, when I k*lled me a Kurd.

What a Kurd?

I just said, I k*lled me

a Kurd.

Yeah, I know that,

and congrats.

But what a Kurd?

What occurred was,

I k*lled me a Kurd.

Yeah, I know that,

but what I wish to know is

which type of A-rab is the most

fun to k*ll?

Well, that's a tough Shiite.

Well, why don't you just tell

me the information which I have

so clumsily requested in my

previous statement?

I said, that's a tough

Shiite.

Yeah, I know that,

but because I'm ignorant,

I have never heard of

the Shiite tribe.

So I'm mis-under-interpretating

your words into something that

fits my woefully limited

perspective.

Oh.

Well, that's 'cause you're

a [bleep]ing a*s[bleep]

Ah! Zoom in.

G-g-g-g-g-g.

[blows raspberry]

[phone rings]

Hello, Horse 'N Go.

I'm watching you, and I got

my thing in my hand.

What are you wearing?

Just a T-shirt.

Why aren't you wearing

the Horse 'N Go regulation vest?

Sorry, Mr. Walton.

Aw, horse apples.

Hey, I ain't against all

drugs.

Example: last night, I drug

a Mexican behind my truck.

[laughs]

Hey!

What's this baby still doin'

here?

Aw!

I thought you said vacuum

out your dirty room.

Ooh, boy.

Grandpa's urethra just got

snapped.

wh*re.

Dag nab it.

When I look up there

at the majesty of them stars,

it really sets me to thinking:

when we gonna get that ding-dong

roof patched up?

Oh!

There ain't nobody there.

Well, don't be sending it

back to me.

Y'all believe in sex before

marriage?

Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna

marry a goat.

Uh, yeah, I hunt,

but I use every part of the k*ll

for pleasure.

Hey, sometimes it's the using it

for pleasure which causes

the k*ll.

My wife no longer screams

during sex.

I hate the Democrats so much,

I got a tattoo on my left nut

says, "See other nut."

Touch it.

Hey, Lord, I was thinking

about getting a swastika

tattooed on my forehead.

Why?

Well, now, I haven't thought

about that part of it.

Them godless science folks

said I descendeded

from the monkeys.

How is that possibly true?

I don't even know what any of

them words mean:

them,

godless,

science,

folks,

said,

I,

descendeded,

from,

the,

monkeys.

How,

is,

that,

possibly,

true.

I,

don't,

even,

know,

what,

all,

them,

words,

mean.

What's that?

The president's been stabbed?

Go to commercial.

[laughing]

[man whispers] Horse Apples.

[man whispers] Horse Apples.

Your sister's looking good.

I was thinking of getting up

in them guts.

Ew, you want my sloppy

seconds?

Well, I got bad news for you,

'cause they was sloppy ths by

the time I got to them.

Hey, Clem, I heard that %

of American black males under

are in the prison system.

Oh, shut up and fish.

Why you zoomin' in at me?

You expectin' a "G-g-g-g-g"?

'Cause it ain't gonna happen.

[metallic clanking]

Hey, Jessip, I made a letter

for your truck.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Hey, would you do me a favor

and read it to me?

Uh...

Let me see.

Is it "benjamin@yahoo"?

This goes out to all y'all

marryin' q*eers.

Huh?

You know, my wife is so fat,

the only place she fits in:

the rest of America.

Ahhhhhh--

Betty rounded up all my black

teeth and shipped them off

to prison.

Want a kiss?

Ahhhhhh--

I'm the kit shicker

what got paped by my riest.

[crying]

I'm stronger than this.

I ain't against equality.

I just don't want it to fall

into the wrong-colored hands.

Where'd all these lights come

from?

Someone is digging around inside

of me.

It hurts.

Knowledge hurts.

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughs]

And now, Miss Jean Shepherd.

I'm sorry.

Miss Shepherd's been k*lled.

[laughing]

And now, Miss Jean Shepherd.

Miss Shepherd, look out.

crash!

A-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g--

Guh?

Guh.

Guh?

I told my wife that the way

to a man's heart is through

his stomach.

I told my wife that my nuts

are even closer to my stomach.

I wish I could feel your nuts

on my stomach.

I tell you what.

I won't give you a ticket

if you give me a ticket--

a one-way ticket from my pants

to your small intestine.

Oh, no.

What are you looking at?

Shhh!

I'm watching my rights erode.

[laughing]

Boing!

I crossed a black man

with a white woman.

all: What'd you get?

A black widow.

all: Wait. What?

Well, you see, I k*lled

the woman, and I gave the man

a sex change.

all: Why'd you do that?

Well, I guess--

I don't know.

all: Why didn't you think

things through?

Um...

Well, I--I guess that's what

this is all about...

my kind not thinking things

through.

A-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g.

[all laughing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Here comes a black guy.