02x06 - Cooperation

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's Wonder Showzen is

brought to you by:

And please buy ad space on

the Wonder Showzen opening.

We need the scratch.

Oh, oh. Hey, kids.

kids: Hi, Chauncey.

I've got some bad news today.

Oh, this is serious.

We're all out of money.

We're broke as a two-cent nickel

up a hobo's dumper.

What?

This show's been bootlegged

and knocked off and illegally

downloaded and ripped off

so much, we ain't got no cash

left to make no show.

So we're just going to sit here

and sulk.

kids: [moaning

Chauncey.

What?

Why don't we just go buy

a bootleg of our show?

[whining in mockery]

Shove it, Spermsgirth.

I got no time for you.

I'm going to go buy a bootleg.

I had this idea to buy

a bootleg.

Excuse me.

Five dollar!

Five dollar!

You got Wonder Showzen?

Oh, I got Wondie Showzie.

It's same thing.

Sony got it.

What, bootleg?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Five dollar.

There you go.

Thank you.

Oh, I can buy food

for my family.

All right, I got it.

Let's go ahead and pop in this

knock-off bootleg version

of our show,

see how it is.

* Children's program.

* Children's program.

* Lordy, me, it's

* a children's program.

* Children's program.

* Children's program.

* Change the channel for--

* For children.

Today's Wonder Showzu

is sponsored by the letter ,

the number "K"--

Oh. Hey, children.

Today we got a special guest

who has a plan for

a new world order.

Let's bring out the number .

[weakly Yay.]

I just want to say that I'm

the best, and I'm in charge

of everyone.

I'm better than ten.

I'm even better than nine.

You know, in fact, I'm two

better than nine!

I hate you.

Pow.

[explosions]

I hate the new normal.

Now watch Answer Questions.

robotic voice: A to Q.

What dumb?

[scornful] sigh

Like...

Um...

Um.

[embarrassed laugh]

[retching sound]

[quacking sound]

If someone steals from you,

steal back.

[impish giggling]

This is the Chernobyl of

TV shows.

Only with less laughs.

But we got nothing else to

offer, kids, so let's make like

an Australian and keep watching

this ab*rtion.

I'm a hard-hitting reporter

asking people:

How did it go in the bathroom?

* They're a hit

* on the street.

* They're it on the street.

* Hit children.

* Hit children.

How'd it go in the bathroom?

It went just fine.

Did it smell good?

It's not smell good,

but it's not smell bad.

Hey, white guy, you sit down

when you pee?

No, I usually stand up

in the stalls.

I've been washing my hands

in that.

All right!

What was your favorite part?

Reliefing.

Did you come here to foul our

American bathrooms?

Yes, it's my first--

my first time.

Was it rough or smooth?

No entiendo lo que me dices--

You heard what I said!

No.

[shouting gibberish]

You come to America,

you got to speak English!

Was it rough, or was it smooth?

Smooth.

It was smooth as silk.

Did you make any friends?

That's private.

Are you going to eat and run?

Come on!

* Mushy the mushroom cloud,

* mushing all your problems

* away.

[giggles]

* Got a problem, mush it.

* Any problem, mush it.

I'm sick of schoolwork.

[expl*si*n]

Mush it!

My sweatshirt is too big.

Mush it!

I get sad for no reason.

Mush it!

What about w*r?

Mush it!

kids: I love you--

[demented giggle]

kids: Yay!

Man, this show is boring.

All they're...

Doing is sitting around...

Watching us being bored.

Dear Jesus:

Listen, will you do me a solid

all over my chest?

Dead pregnant woman walking.

Come on, you can't put me to

death today.

I'm with child!

I know.

Just, we were locked into

the schedule.

And we're so booked up.

What about my baby?

I'm sorry, but the law has

decided a fetus is

a living thing.

It's his life,

his "right to life."

But he's going to die!

That's his choice,

his "pro choice."

If you were Ret*rded, I could do

something, but...

I-I'm going into labor!

I'm having the baby!

Help, somebody! Help!

* D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.

[snarling]

My son!

This is the first time they

aborted the mother

and kept the baby!

Always love a twist

on the classics.

Oh, Lucy, you're perfect--

A perfect jackass!

Hee-haw.

I made a movie about

bootleggers.

Wanna see it?

Yes.

All right, let's take a look.

Hi, I'm C. Larence.

And I'm here, talking to

bootleggers, teaching them

that stealing is wrong.

Look, what do we have?

What is it, movies?

Movies?

Yeah.

Movies?

What is it?

It's just stealing.

Are you stealing?

I'll steal from you.

It's five dollar?

[screams] Where you go?

And you're a bootlegger.

I'm going to steal one

from you.

I stole.

I stole--no.

You steal from me; I steal

from you.

What do you got?

What do you got?

All right, all right.

No pictures, man.

He went for the camera.

Hey, messing with Mexicans'

minds is my gig.

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna get this

knockoff jackal.

He's stealing my shtick.

I'm going to get him.

What is that?

What are you doing?

What are you--

Hey, you're stealing my bit.

Y-you're stealing my bit.

Now you're stealing

my accusation.

Y-you're stealing

my accusation.

That's it.

[lasers hiss]

[explosions]

Larence was a good knockoff.

They k*ll one of ours,

we'll k*ll one of theirs.

'Dis means w*r.

Every time you breathe,

you inhale molecules of air

that Osama bin Laden

has brothen.

Brothe you later.

Attention!

Those bootleg doppelganging

scumbags want to go toe to toe

on us?

We're going to rain terror slime

down on them.

You stupid b*stards!

They come at us with w*r?

We hit them with Armageddon.

They come at us with

Armageddon; we hit them

with apocalypse.

Chauncey, Armageddon

and apocalypse are

essentially synonymous.

They come at us with

synonyms; we hit them with

correlations, analogs,

verbal equivalents.

Can't we just cooperate?

Cooperate?

Urgh, I'm going to vomit blood.

[choking]

[belches]

Oh, that's better.

Him love taste of w*r.

All right.

Let's roll!

Actually, I'm going to hang

back here and just kind of

hold down the fort

and watch their show.

Yeah, I wish I could roll with

you guys, but I'm just going to

chill out.

We're going to rain terror

slime down on them.

You stupid b*stards.

They once roamed freely,

proudly populating the Nevada

and Japanese countryside

in abundance.

But today, their habitat

is threatened by mini malls,

tanning salons,

and children's hospitals.

And they've been hunted to near

extinction by hippie happy

slappers--vain hunters--

who wear their hides for sport.

Tragiluckily, mushroom clouds

were voted most endangered

specie at this year's Golden

Specie Awards in Vienna.

both: Mushy won a Specie.

Mushy won a Specie.

How can I help you?

Cartoon?

Punch you right through.

Jean, these people are with

the Wishing Care Foundation.

They're here to give you any

wish you want.

Why?

Oh, because you're

brain damaged, and you've got

three days to live.

Okay, I want a pony

to eat Jupiter.

Isn't there a smarter

terminal child in this ward?

I've got to be at a thing.

I just--I don't have time

for this.

Yeah, I gotta catch a flight.

I'll try to find something.

Nina, these people are with

the Wishing Care Foundation.

They're here to give you any

wish you want.

I should preface this by

letting you know you are,

in fact, dying.

What's your wish, sweetie?

I...want...them...to...

eat...each other.

Is there a dying child who's

not so medically stupid?

Look, I gotta get out

of here.

Can you guys just work it out?

Yeah, fine.

I...feel...a lot better.

* Let me get in

* on some of that.

* Let me suck a slurp

* on some of what you got.

* Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme

* some of that.

Mmm.

Sexsemperfiranus.

Burn, you bootleg scum!

Breaking news at this hour.

Evildoing, terrotesticle

insurgents have torched our

pride with the flames of shame.

Breaking news at this hour.

The flames of freedom are

burning bright tonight, as our

heroic heroes have

heroically heroi-ated

and continue to vow

that justice will reign.

Breaking news at this hour.

Did you hear that?

They just totally threatened us.

Breaking news at this hour.

The next breaking news you will

see will be false.

Breaking news at this hour.

The previous breaking news alert

was delivered by a guy who isn't

a dookie-slurping nob slobber.

Breaking news at this hour.

[mutters] Uh, g*y newscaster

says what?

Breaking news at this hour.

What?

Breaking news at this hour.

Actual news this time: a hostage

has been taken.

Before he is cranally bisected,

the hostage has been granted one

dying wish.

Before I die, I just want to

tell a story to the children.

all: Yay! Story Time!

I want to tell you a story

about a bunny rabbit.

all: Yay!

The bunny rabbit loved

the children so very, very much.

But the bunny rabbit had to go

bye-bye, and he was never going

to see them again.

Excuse me!

Who's talking?

Was it you, Tubby?

No, I-I didn't do anything.

"No, I didn't"--

What's that?

That's talking, isn't it?

This is my time!

Okay?

Chatty fatty hour is later.

Sorry about that, okay?

All right.

Uh, all right, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

[whimpering] The bunny, he

just--he couldn't believe that--

You are still talking!

Why don't you plug that yapper

with yet another hoagie,

huh, fugly?

Somebody put a bag over that

kid's head.

Do you have an extra bag?

Another one of these?

All right, okay.

All right.

And also, listen.

If I catch any of you passing

notes, I will read it up here,

in front of everyone.

Got that?

Shiny Kid, Sissy Boy, Wack Eye,

Teeth, are we good?

Okay.

The bunny wants you to know that

when the bunny goes to heaven,

it'll always be there

watching over you,

that he'll be seeing

everything you do.

Just like I see that!

Give me that note!

I see it!

Bring it.

All right? Okay?

Yeah, this is what you get.

Okay. Huh.

"I am stupid.

I am a dummy-dumb, dookie-headed

poop piece.

Me, the guy reading the note,

I am so blooming dumb,

I do not even realize that I

have just been totally moded,

me, hump monkey."

Okay?

That's what you get.

You brought this on yourself.

Okay, Larry, I think we're good.

Let's roll.

Get 'er done.

[screaming]

I'm watching over you,

children.

Always watching.

* Let Mr. Body

* by your body buddy.

Mr. Body, what's

the strongest organ in the body?

You may be surprised, Henry,

but it's the tongue.

Oh, you mean metaphorically.

Because words are

a powerful tool--

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Exactly right.

Good boy.

Thank you, Mr. Body.

k*ll the bootlegs!

Burn, you bootleg scum.

Oh, God, I love to k*ll!

People, stop!

There's a missing puppy!

Now that I have your attention,

we should stop

all this fighting.

So there's no missing puppy?

No, and to make matters

worse, this w*r is meaningless.

Don't you see?

w*r never solved anything.

Hit it, boys.

* w*r never solved

* anything, and w*r never

* solved no problems,

* except for World w*r II,

* the Civil w*r,

* the Revolutionary w*r,

*

* every w*r that's ever

* been fought,

* except for Vietnam.

* Although Vietnam was never

* officially considered

* a w*r proper.

* It was arguably an essential

* stop-gap conflict that might

* have averted further

* escalation of tensions

* between the U.S.

* and the communist block

* who were admittedly

* even less humanitarian

* than the worst American

* betrayals of freedom

* throughout the world.

* But other than that...

* w*r never solved anything.

* w*r never solved anything.

* w*r never solved

* anything.

* Hey, hey.

* Ooh, ooh, ooh.

* w*r never solved

* anything.

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

* Because I need you, girl.

Extra, extra!

Bootlegs and normals sign

historic peace agreement.

[crowd muttering indistinctly]

We have come to

a peace agreement.

We have agreed to divide up

the screen -.

And everyone can do what they

want with their own territory.

Both sides are happy

with the compromise.

[applause]

both: So what do you guys

want to do now?

both: Let's watch a segment.

[overlapping voices]

Excuse me, Miss, I'd like to

return this Asian blow-up doll.

Chairman Mao, what's wrong

with it?

Eating lunch out of my

colostomy backpack.

It says he's supposed to have

a mouth like velvet...

City hall in flames.

Choking on your best friend's

vomit...

But it's more like butter,

and I'm allergic to butter.

Now I have a butter rash

on my intimate.

Choking on your best

friend's diarrhea.

Come on, how bad could

a one-inch rash really be?

Yelling at my Jamaican nanny

in pidgin Spanish.

Leche, por favor. Leche! Leche!

The insolence!

Show me a cartoon.

Oh, are you okay? Leche!

Hi, do you have ADD?

Hi, do you have ADD?

Hi, do you...

Let's split the screen in

half, and you do what you want.

Come to Camp Concentration...

Okay.

I'll be up here, doing

what I do best.

Hi, do you...

Camp Concentration.

[three separate audio tracks]

Hi, let's watch a toss.

If I were a tree...

I made a movie.

Let's watch a movie,

little brother.

I'd stretch up to the moon.

[unintelligible squeaking]

Hi, I'm Clarence,

and I'm in Bensonhurst...

To escape persecution

and start a new world,

a democratic, monkey utopia.

What's a matter you face?

[magical harp music]

A great society...

To get one Italian to say one

bad thing about another,

just one bad thing.

So fat...

She's a [bleep].

Commune with the spirit

world...

[unintelligible speech]

Giant monkey, smashing you

in the head.

Have a good day, huh?

You're going to die, darn it...

I did not [unintelligible.]

I did not!

You want Italians?

Next door, plenty of 'em.

Cartoon.

Are you Jewish?

What's a matter you?

Hey, folks, how are you

doing tonight?

Say happy birthday to

my friend.

Oh, happy birthday.

You gonna die soon.

Because of my love for

peanuts.

What?

I'm not an animal...

Let's play Funny, Not Funny.

Animals can be cute.

I'm a monster in the sack--

I mean, a monster in a sack.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

These are very important

and respected people...

Beauty is only skin deep,

but ugly lives up a tree.

Long ago, people respected

someone who wore...

I suppose that's funny.

Not funny! Funny!

That's a cartoon.

Not funny!

Don't forget to wash...

Funny!

Every day before...

Expression.

[wacky music]

Adults say the dumbest

things.

Why do people die?

Together, it's

a wonderful thing...

What's Jim drawing?

Is it a shoe?

Is it a clown? Am I a shoe?

It's some kind of battle cat.

k*lling a piece of a snake...

It obviously represents

Jim's impotence.

What a frighteningly vivid

glimpse into Jim's twisted

psyche or into the white-hot

pressure of sexual repression.

[rock music]

I worry about him.

Textbook of the year.

Cooperate!

So now, Carrot's going to

marry Robin Hood.

Hey, what are you guys

doing up here?

You're in my territory.

Come on, man, we just want to

put on a teeny, tiny show

in the corner.

All right, fine. Sheesh.

Watch this, kids.

Nerd Book Lady, Elephant Man,

I pronounce thee freak

and oppressed.

You may kiss the freak.

* We hope you enjoyed

* the show...

Not in your lifetime.

It's time for Miss Mary

to look in her magic mirror...

At least I'm married, and

I've got half what you got...

And Jenna and Kenny...

You're not married,

and the other man is.

[guffaws]

Behind Kenny.

Oh, my God, Kenny, look out!

men: Sweetie, according to

your lab results, you've hit

the wish jackpot.

I'm dying?

Bingo.

What should I put you down for?

For my dying wish,

I want the world to end

in nuclear apocalypse.

Aww.

She's so sad.

She doesn't want the world to go

pfft without her.

I can't say no to that face.

I think we know what to do.

We went to the apocalypse.

Yay!

Poppalips.

Oh, God, the crushing

nothingness.

The crushing loneliness.

The fluffy crushiness.

All my loved ones flashed

before my eyes: sickos.

Put away your shriveler,

Grampers.

It was empty, just like my

dad's heart.

Your dead dad's dumb heart.

I hallucinated my first

friend, who beat me to my very

first pulp.

This was the kick in

the pants my career

really needed.

I got sand in my gills.

This place is boring.

We should k*ll it.

My mind is empty, just like

the world.

Oh, my, God.

That means no one's at the mall.

Let's go shopping!

Shopping!

Heaven must be really

empty now.

It's so quiet.

I guess we did it.

We achieved world peace.

Yay!

[cheering and applause