02x04 - Justice

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's Ye Olde Wonder

Showzen is brought to you by

the Ye Olde Olden Days,

the antiquated notion of

justice, and Harold P.

Whiffington's Comedy Record

Scratches, the finest in comedic

punctuation since ?

Well, salutations, children.

Hi--

Silence.

We're here in an old-fashioned

plantation house spending one

week living exactly how they did

in the th century.

Yes--

Silence.

Now I'm gonna be the plantation

owner/slash master, and

Sthugar is my child bride.

[gasps]

Oh, and Wordsworth and Him,

they're gonna be our servants.

Chauncey, why do we

have to be the serv--Ow!

In the old time, the servants

didn't talk back.

Now, I'm just whipping you

in the name of authenticity.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hey, what's craculatin'?

Chauncey, you can't have

a cell phone in the th

century.

Yeah, I gotta go, Grandma.

Oh, you right.

Ow!

You gotta give up your pager

and your laptop and your digital

hat and your asthma inhaler.

[beeping]

Now, Him, you go out back and

bury all that technocrud, and

I'm gonna go break in my child

bride, take her for a ye olde

bride ride.

Wha--what?

Old-timey ladies

don't talk back.

Ow! Why are you whipping me?

Us Southern gentlemen

don't hit a lady.

Bury...bury.

[record scratches]

Bury?

Him love berries.

Yum!

Berries!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Oh. Oh.

[burps loudly]

Oh, berries.

[rumbling, zapping]

Him no feel good.

Ohh.

[rumbling]

[electronic voice]

I am ye olde Cyber Him .

Program to announce my identity

upon creation.

My name is Shmulowitz.

Ah, jeez, I thought the

temple was around here

somewhere.

Oy, I must have stumbled

into the wrong neighborhood.

Until one day, I happened

to utter those ancient,

powerful words:

I betcha those black guys

are gonna try and k*ll me.

I held aloft my fist

to the heavens.

Don't hurt my body.

r*pe! r*pe!

And I was transformed

into one of those people.

r*pe!

Baruch-a-ta, I'm annoyed.

What's up with that

black guy?

Gentlemen, you have

threatened the wrong man.

We're just playing dice,

my brother.

You want in on the game?

More like game over, fiend.

Hunh!

What did I do?

And from that day forth,

I administer justice with unique

musculature and lacerating

wordplay.

His wordplay, it--

it's too biting.

How about you biting...

one of the kosher hot dogs?

Hope you don't choke--hah!--

on my -inch wiener.

That ain't cool--

I hope you...relish

the pain.

Stop this black-on-black

violence.

How about black-on-black eye?

It looks so real.

Hasta Las Vegas, fool.

Always bet on black.

Go on. Run away,

like a little baby.

Whirrr!

Yo, who's gonna take care

of that baby?

I just--I was--

A baby's a huge

responsibility.

I just got caught up

in the moment.

I mean, a baby.

And so it was on the craggly

mountaintop of Crag Core

I decided not to throw the

baby off the cliff but that he

shall suckle the meaty milk

of my man breasts, for I shall

nourish him with man milk.

Man...man...man...

* Baby Mank.

* Muscle baby raised

* on man milk,

* or as it's commonly called,

* mank.

Grok pee in stream.

Billion years later,

you drink from stream.

Grok make joke.

[laughs]

* What got into

* that crazy cat?

* What got into

* that crazy snake?

* What got into

* that crazy bat?

Is it the intrinsic brutality

of nature, whose thirst for

blood can never be slaked?

What gets into you?

Hi, I'm Little Cutie

talking to the pharmacist

at the pharmacy.

beep-beep-beep

Kids on the beat,

kids on the street.

Beat Kids, Beat Kids.

This is our pharmacy here.

This is where we fill

prescriptions.

Oh, look at

all these pills, man.

Sure.

It's like a pharmacy

in here.

Well, that's where you are.

How many classes of med

school do you have to flunk

to become a pharmacist?

That's a good question.

I don't know.

I suffer from SYIF.

You know what that is?

No.

Slap You in the Face-ism.

How much do you charge for pill

sweepings off the floor?

We don't sell them.

They're not for sale.

Is that why all those hoboes

are eating out of the garbage

in the back every day?

I hope they're not; I mean--

Did you find your wife

in the garbage?

Unfortunately not.

No, I did not.

And why is it

unfortunately you didn't?

Oh, I guess that was

a word I just said.

No, I did not find my wife

in the garbage, no.

So it was an unfortunate

choice of words, like your wife.

Profiting off the suffering

of others, high five.

Testing happy pills

on sad monkeys, high five.

Your whole industry

makes me sick.

I'm gonna throw up

in your pocket.

Blaagh!

Oh, if that's the way

you feel.

You may like rap music.

I may not.

The pills you gave me made me

like rap music.

That was just a sample.

I took some candy.

No, it's not candy.

It's medicine.

Candy.

It's medicine.

Candy!

Give me candy!

I'm warning you.

I get freaky if I don't

have my candy.

Oh, look at the shirt.

If you won't give me pills

unless I'm injured,

I'll take care of that.

How are you gonna do that?

Aaahhh!

Aahhh!

It's not looking too good.

Let me in!

Do you have any spare change?

This is Little Cutie

for Beat Kids.

Shrink wrap the globe.

Kick a sheik in the

eco-berries.

If it's yellow, be mellow.

Be mellow all over a cop car.

My older sister has a carpool

lane running through her pants.

Ooh, devilish. Ooh, devilish.

My daddy drives

a hybrid he-she.

We should emulate

the Native Americans.

How? Get wiped off the planet.

All right, time to get

your orders.

Wordsworth, you got to rub

liniment elixir salve

into my feet.

Oh, man.

My dogs are tired

from all the whippin'.

Now, Him, I want you--

My name is Cyber Him.

What?

It's Him.

Cyber Him.

It's Him.

Toby.

Who's Toby?

Technologically Owesome

Bionical Yardslave.

All right, Toby, I need you

to whitewash the whole barn.

Probably take you

a couple of days, so...

What? That's so shocking.

My face is stunned.

I wonder what it looks like.

Looks like we got us

a superslave, yeah.

Now go bale all that hay, Toby.

Well, k*ll my mama.

Cool.

This is gonna be fun.

Let's see, uh...

whip Wordsworth raw.

Keep rubbin', Wordsworth.

They don't count

civilian casualties.

Treat women with respect.

Hey, Marla, let's go to

my place and get freaky.

Or it will come back

to bite you in the a*s.

I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it.

clank! clank!

I do declare, Toby.

You got muscles strong as

a friendly ret*rd.

Why don't you snuggle up

on me, tough guy?

But me need to work.

I have a job for you.

Why don't you come here

and bust my chifforobe?

Put down that hoe and come knock

the bottom out of this h*.

[kissing sounds]

Ooh, gimme a kiss.

Whoa, now.

What the tar-tuggin' spunk swap

is going' on up in here?

Um, r*pe?

r*pe! r*pe!

[banging]

Order in this court.

[banging gavel]

Order in this particular court.

You, Toby, are hereby charged

with precisely one count

of r*pe!

If found guilty, you will be

sentenced to be torn apart by

exactly one wolf of my choosing.

How do you plead?

Digitally.

Escape the slaveocracy

of our gadgetopia.

[cheering]

Hey, Emma?

What?

You're my second-best

friend in the world.

Great.

Yeah, you know who

my best friend is?

Who?

My movie!

Let's take a look.

Hi, I'm Clarence, and today,

I'm out on the street

trying to get people's opinions

on the issue, just common people

on the street like this guy.

No, please don't

do that, man.

Yo, my man, don't

do that, I said.

Today I'm talking

to the common man, okay?

Just the regular guy on the

street, the lowest common

denominator, you know?

The scum, you know, the scum on

the bottom of the scum of the

rock of the Earth.

You know, like dog poo?

Like you scrape that little

layer of mold off dog poo.

Yeah.

People like you, and we want

to get your thoughts on the

issue.

Yeah?

So what are your thoughts?

I don't know.

Yeah, but what--

do you have any opinions?

No, no, no.

What about beliefs?

Beliefs?

Or feelings?

Feelings--

Emotions.

Emotions--

Or thoughts.

Thoughts...

Philosophies.

Something I've never done

before.

Today we're just out on the

street talking to the common

man, you know, like yourself,

just like scum.

Yeah?

And we just want to get

your opinions.

What do you have to say

about the issue?

About the issue about what?

You know, the issue, like

what do you have to say?

What are your feelings on it?

Ohhh...I don't know.

Feelings about what?

What do you think about it?

What issue?

Just discuss your opinion--

what's your opinion on it?

About what?

You know, as representatives

of the church, we're not

supposed to give opinions

about things like this.

You're not supposed to give

opinions about what?

About the issue.

The issue to me

that I'm out here?

No, no, no, no. God.

You keep going back to that.

It's like, "Oh, boy, I'm out

on the street.

I'm homeless. Blah, blah, blah."

Boring.

Yeah.

Nobody wants to hear

about it.

If they did, you wouldn't be

on the street, right?

Thank you.

What are your feelings and

opinions on the issue itself?

Overall, they're negative,

except where I feel rather

positive.

Well, that is interesting.

Finish this sentence.

Yeah.

What's the sentence to finish?

Yeah, go ahead and finish it.

I don't know.

So he hits my glasses.

Where do you stand?

I don't know.

Usually.

Usually I am sitting.

Do you feel that the issue

should crawl down your neck to

the base of your spine and bite

the small of your back?

Let's give it some time.

What does a scumbag like you

think about the issue

of the day?

Suck my [bleep].

And is that what you would

like me to do?

Suck my [bleep], yes.

You gonna buy me dinner?

Yes, of course.

It comes with dinner.

And I'll buy wine too.

Are you gonna sh**t

a little dessert in my mouth?

Oh, yeah, pudding?

You like pudding?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, we'll have pudding.

Yeah, of course.

We've done something

here today, right?

We have done something,

a little something.

Yeah.

Gotta let the kids know

something, just getting to know

people, getting to talk.

No, no, no, I wouldn't

go into that.

I would just say about the

issue, I think we've really

accomplished something today,

right?

Yeah, but I still

don't know what the issue is.

[banging]

I think I got it.

Counsel, call your first

witness.

All right then, Miss Sthugar.

Go on; tell the court

what happened.

Well, I was trying to get

Toby to break me off, tear me

up, you know, give it to me

hard and fast, when you busted

in, and I got all nervous,

and I screamed "r*pe!"

r*pe? So he did r*pe you.

Yeah.

Objection!

Toby is a machine.

He's not programmed to r*pe.

His r*pe function is set

on low growl.

That's a grope setting,

Your Honor.

I submit that you are all

threatened by Toby because he's

a more advanced and evolved

being than you.

What? Evolution?

Well, grits on a biscuit.

He's trying to make a monkey

out of us, Your Honor.

He's trying to make a monkey

out of this whole mockery

of a trial.

I'll prove that evolution is

a shokes and a ham and a coat

with a--with a--with a clam.

How?

Why, if we truly have

evolved, then why, oh, why,

my dear friend, would I call

to the stand a monkey...

a monkey...a monkey...a monkey?

[echoing]

Thank you kindly for responding

to my call, Mr. Monkey.

I know you came a very great

distance to be here today.

Get on with it, counsel.

If you're so smart, Mr.

so-called monkey, I'd like to

see you evolve right now.

We'll wait.

[clock ticking]

[applause]

Very clever, but I think

you'll find his hat is made

of licorice.

[applause]

[monkey squealing]

[record scratching]

Ee-ee-ee-ee!

Hey, come here.

Yeah, come closer.

Closer.

Hey, I'm a communist.

[mechanical laughter]

Wonder Showzen Premies

are a snackable, loving,

funicle-hugging, cuddle-coo,

bugaboo mud.

I need you kids to play

extra quiet today, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Look what's waddling in here:

a wittle duckwing.

quack, quack

Oh, he's so cute.

I wanna squeeze him.

Oh, me, me, me.

Me.

Oh, no, we broke him.

We better put him back together.

I'll get the tape.

I'll get the stapler.

Did it work?

He's back!

I want to pet him.

Wait, this duckwing has been

to the other side.

He has witnessed the specter

of death from within its shroud

and returned with the wisdom

of the hereafter.

I wanna try it.

And the strong shall devour

the meek's reward.

And the strong shall devour

the meek's reward.

Okay, that's long enough.

Tape him back up.

Damn deaf has quiefed

destiny upon me.

Me, me, me go.

Me want go now.

[farts

Him seen God.

Okay, sweeties, snack time.

Here's your reward for being

so quiet today.

And the strong shall devour

the meek's reward.

Wait, Nanny, Wordsworth

k*lled a duckwing.

I should get to eat

his ice cream.

Bad Wordsworth.

You were naughty, so Chauncey

gets to eat your snack.

No fair.

Here comes our other mommy.

Yay!

Next week on

Wonder Showzen Premies:

Wet's watch

Wonder Showzen Embryos.

Wet's watch

Wonder Showzen Spermies.

Let's watch more

of the court trial.

Ladies and gentle worms--

heh-heh-heh-heh--the esteemed

prosecution would have you

believe that he's got

the Bible on his side.

Yeah, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I call to the stand

a human soul.

[record scratching]

[gong clangs]

Mr. Human Soul, will you tell

the jury your true nature?

I refuse to answer that

question on the grounds that it

may tend to incriminate me.

No one can make me talk.

And the strong shall devour

the meet's reward.

Human Soul, is it not true

that you were spotted using a

glory hole on the rest room

of a New Jersey Turnpike?

And I got photograms

and daguerreotypes.

Oh, no, get off me.

No, you can't adapt me.

Oh, God, no. No, no.

Order.

[gavel banging]

Order.

Human Soul, I find you

in contempt.

Hey, Jerry, looks like

I got me some fresh me.

Ooh, ooh.

r*pe. r*pe. r*pe.

Hi, I'm one of the wittle

people of today saying thank

you to the Greatest Generation.

Hey, Pops, thanks for

nuclear proliferation.

Uh-huh. What's that?

Excuse me, Greatest

Generation.

Thank you for acid rain.

How dare you?

Hey, old-timer, thanks

for w*r profiteering.

Thank you for sanctifying

my greed.

High five.

That lady hit me!

It's child abuse!

Thank you for inventing TV

and rotting my brain.

High five.

Attention, members of

the Greatest Generation.

Your service is

no longer needed.

Kindly crawl back

into your hole.

Thanks for planting

the seeds of the apocalypse.

Okay.

I love you, Wally.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hee-hee-hee, ha-ha-ha.

Hee-hee, ha-ha, hee-hee,

ha-ha, hee-hee, ha-ha.

My shadow is like a

mysterious black stranger that

follows me all day long, and

my daddy told me what to do

about them kind.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

If Jesus had an edible beard,

he would have never starved to

death way up in that banana

tree...of the mind.

And so in summation, I say to

you all, it's useless to quibble

over these matters of the spirit

as if we could pin God down,

for God is everywhere

and in everything.

God's even in that banana

right there.

[all gasp]

Give me the God banana.

I want it. It's bananas.

I deserve the God banana.

No, you're missing the point.

Order in the court.

Cease this foolishness.

I will keep the God banana at my

house, where he'll sleep

on my couch.

Chauncey, time for

your closing argument.

Ladies and gentlemen of the

so-called jury, the man before

you here on trial may not be

guilty; I do not know.

But I do know one thing:

Vote guilty, and you get free

sarsaparilla and ginger snaps

for all.

[cheering]

Penny candies and shrimps.

Eat 'em up, and then

we'll hang the monkey.

And then we'll hang the monkey.

Silence!

Behold my glory.

None of you are worthy of me.

I would have given you all the

riches in the world and

everlasting peace on Earth,

but you got greedy.

And it's all that monkey's

fault!

The monkey?

Let's--let's string him up.

Let's have a good

old-fashioned lynching.

Let's get him!

We should hang him!

Hang that monkey!

all: Hang that monkey!

Hang that monkey!

Hang that monkey!

Hang that monkey!

Hang that monkey!

[buzzer]

Oh-oh, time's up, everyone.

We're back to modern times,

See, kids, how far we've come

in years?

Good-bye.

[laughter]

* Good-bye, farewell,

* au revoir, adios. *

* We hope you enjoyed

* the show.

[g*nsh*t]

* Thank you, my friend.

* We'll get you in the end.

* We hope to see you again.