01x07 - Health

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's Wonder Showzen

is brought to you by

health, significance...

And Babys First Potty.

Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, Chauncey.

Today me and Him

are gonna teach you all about

candy and yummy snacks!

Yay!

Shh!

Uh, Chauncey,

you promised I could deliver

my extended comprehensive

lecture about

the significance of honesty.

I did?

Yes.

I lied.

[fart noise]

Chauncey, if you don't allow

me to present my lecture,

I will expose those humiliating

surveillance photos

I have of you.

What? Photos? What photos?

Like this one.

What?

Oh, no! What's that?

And this one.

Oh!

That's hot candy.

Here's a good one.

Oh, God, what's that?

And here's the worst one

of all.

Okay, okay, fine.

Give your stupid speech.

My lecture today will outline

in exquisite detail reasons

why honesty is the most

significant virtue.

[yawns]

Point one contains

separate parts.

If you take the appendices

of three, two, or four

sub-subsections--

crash!

Oh, no!

Did you do this to me,

Chauncey?

No.

And that's all you kids need

to know about honesty.

You better get your narrow a*s

to a hospital.

It's okay to lie

to your own a*s.

Accepting Jesus

on death row.

Um, hmm.

To appease the masses.

Right before a dramatic

musical sting.

[dramatic musical sting]

Um.

Um.

Um, um...

When saying...

this next bit's gonna be

hilarious.

Are you ready, honey,

to set the world record

for highest skydive

by a pregnant woman?

I'm ready to drop, Satirius.

Whoo!

Whoo!

This is better

than sexual intercourse!

With you, it is!

Ah! Ah-ah!

Honey?

I think I'm about

to have the baby!

Oh, God.

What are we gonna do?

Help!

Someone, help us!

Help! Help!

Oh, thank God.

It's D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.

Okay, honey, spread your legs.

This dog's gonna pull

the baby out.

No, I do not want

a vaginal birth.

I told you I've always wanted

to have a cesarean.

There's no time, honey.

I said spread those legs.

No, damn it.

I want a cesarean.

No baby's gonna stretch out

my junk.

I'll hold this thing inside me

for another year if I have to.

Are you up for it, boy?

You think you can do

a C-section?

[barks]

Roll over, honey.

Roll over.

D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.'s gonna make

your dreams come true.

Cut her open, boy.

Go on, boy.

Cut her good.

Chew that baby right out, boy.

D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.,

you're my hero.

[baby cries]

Honey, it's a little baby

boy, like me.

Oh, this is the happiest

moment of my life.

It's how I've always

pictured it.

Pull the cord, honey.

Pull the cord!

Not that cord!

Don't worry, everyone.

Elinor landed on his soft spot.

I think our lives are gonna be

pretty okay from now on.

Oh, D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N.,

you sure look happy.

Honey, don't look now.

I think I'm pregnant again.

Here we go again.

Only this time,

it's a cesarean conception.

[laughter]

Juggy-dug, quack, quack.

Hee-haw!

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Oh, Lucy.

You jackass!

male announcer: Next week

on D.O.G. O.B.G.Y.N...

Hey, kids, I made a movie.

Seydonni here loves my movies.

Right, Seydonni?

Hi.

Roll the--

roll the--

roll the--

roll the--

roll the movie.

Hi, I'm Clarence,

and I'm talking to people

on the street about heroes.

Heroes.

Hey.

Hi, what's your name?

Nathaniel.

Ah, it doesn't matter.

What do you think about heroes?

Who's a hero?

Firemen.

A fireman?

What about someone

who saves your life?

Is that a hero?

Sure.

Yeah? Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Ah! Ah!

I saved your life!

from the murderous cigarette.

It's burning.

No, no, don't break

the cigar.

I'm gonna break it.

You don't want to do that.

Trust me.

Why?

I'm gonna break you

if you break my cigar.

Oh, yeah?

You think you got the guts to

put the cigar out on my face?

No, but I got the guts

to knock your a*s out, though.

Grab it.

Throw it on the ground.

Stomp it out.

I'm your hero.

Now I'm your hero.

I saved your life.

I burned my mouth.

Okay, thank you.

Are you happy?

Happy, happy.

Yeah, say, "Thank you."

Thank you very much.

Say, "Thank you

for saving my life."

Thank you for saving my life.

Hey, excuse me,

are smokers angry ever?

Why don't you get lost?

What would you say--

Just get this thing off me,

all right?

Get away.

We just want to learn

about smoking,

real quick for kids.

Say, "I'm gonna be dead tomorrow

'cause I smoke."

I hope so.

I hate this life.

You need to look in the

camera and say, "If you smoke,

you'll end up dumb as me."

You smoke, you'll end up

dumb as me, with cancer.

Yeah.

Thanks to you, Clarence.

Thanks to me what?

Uh, I'm gonna hang myself.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

All right, well, make sure

you do it with your mouth

closed, 'cause your breath--

[exhales forcefully]

Ugh!

Say, "I'm a good little monkey."

I'm a good little monkey.

"I do what I'm told."

I do what I'm told.

"Myeh-myeh."

Myeh-myeh.

"I'm dumb."

I'm dumb.

I'm gonna be your sl*ve.

"Forever."

Forever.

"'Cause you saved my life."

'Cause you saved my life.

Thank you very much.

Now eat that meatball

out of my a*s, sl*ve.

Aw, kiss my burn.

Aw, yeah, now kiss the burn

on the inside of my mouth.

What'd you think of the movie,

Emma?

Smokers got a bad attitude.

You got a bad attitude.

Let's watch this.

There's a problem out there.

Let's talk about it.

Cooties.

Cooties.

It afflicts over million

children every year.

Cooties may not be fatal

or deadly, but then again...

It will k*ll you.

Fact: Cooties eats cancer

for breakfast.

[burps]

Cooties attaches itself

to your skin,

burrows itself into your body,

suckling up to the

brain squirrel.

Cooties turns your brain

into mush...

Cooties...

Your n*pples into lips...

Will...

And your dreams to screams.

Totally k*ll you, dude.

Don't treat people with

cooties like lesser people,

because they're not even people.

[children yelling]

They're scum.

Who crucifies the cooties?

Cooties.

Each shenanigan could be

your last, so remember,

romp safe.

Brought to you

by Cootiedoms.

Significance.

If I were a rainbow,

I would rain on everything.

zap!

Excersize keeps you strong.

Oh.

Oh.

Thanks for visiting me

in the hospital.

Him think you look better

than Him ever seen you.

Oh, Him, the doctor told me

I tested positive for cooties.

Oh-oh!

And it's highly contagious.

You no worry me, Him.

I take good care of you.

What?

Don't touch those!

They're dangerous!

Don't worry.

Him get rid of source.

Him, those are contagious!

Contagiously delicious.

Boo-boop, boop, boop, boop,

boop.

These are tasty.

What are they called?

Me call them, uh,

Chewties.

Ah, Chewties.

They're so yummy in my tummy.

What are they made of?

Secret Chinese

Chewtie recipe.

Me can't reveal.

Secret?

Cha-ch*nk!

Chauncey soon be lich

long time.

No!

Chewties are really cooties!

They're contagious!

Yeah, but Chauncey

doesn't know that.

Oh, you guys are giving me

a headache.

Can we get more?

Him think Him could get more.

Yay!

We're gonna be rich.

pop!

[gasps]

male announcer: Chewties!

New Chewties.

all: Yum, yum, yum!

* Yum, yum,

* Chewtie, yum, yum.

* Chewtie, Chewtie, Chewtie,

* Chewtie, Chewtie,

* yum, yum, yum.

* Yum, yum,

* Chewtie, yum, yum.

* Chewtie, yum, yum.

* Chewtie, Chewtie, Chewtie,

* yum, yum.

What are they made of?

They make me feel sick.

* Yum, yum,

* Chewtie, yum, yum, yum.

* Chewtie, Chewtie, Chewtie,

* Chewtie, Chewtie,

* yum, yum, yum.

* Yum, yum,

* Chewtie, yum, yum.

announcer: They'll make

your taste buds scream!

Whee!

announcer: It's the hot new

snack.

Grab a scalding sack.

[fire roaring]

Chewties. Chew these.

[whip cracks]

Excuse me, sir.

Yes.

Can you give me one good

reason not to walk away

from you right now?

Not to.

[fart noise]

A little bird told me that

little Lincoln's little brother,

little Hitler,

was out on the street

running amok.

Hi, I'm Ray-Ray,

demanding answers in the park.

[newsy music]

* Kids on the beat.

* Kids on the street.

* Beat Kids.

* Beat Kids.

What do you think is wrong

with the youth of today?

What's wrong with the youth

of today?

I don't know if anything's wrong

with the youth of today.

What do you think is wrong

with the youth of today?

Excuse me?

The youth of today.

What do you mean?

What do you think

is wrong with it?

I'm not really sure.

I'm not ready for this.

It's okay.

I'm just a child.

What are you running from?

Yeah, run away,

just like my daddy.

[canned laughter]

What is wrong with the youth

of today?

Too much rap music.

[hip-hop music]

*

Do you think rap music

is ruining our society?

No, I don't.

I think it's bringing us

closer together.

*

I don't want to have

anything to do with Hitler.

High five.

High five.

Yeah.

Remember me?

I was over there

in ', ', and '.

Do you want a rematch, buddy?

Yes.

[laughs]

Hold my wallet.

Give him your microphone.

Would you like to sign up

for my summer camp, cool guy?

Do we get to stay inside,

or do we get to play outside?

Play outside.

I'd be down with some

video games outside.

You have fallen

right into my trap.

Come with me.

Do you think the youth today

needs a strong leader

to snap them into order?

Yes, I think they do,

absolutely.

Do you think people sometimes

don't realize that the enemy

is right in front of their eyes?

Yes, sometimes,

but, you know,

they're in disguise

life wolf in sheep clothing,

you know, so it's hard to see

the enemies like that.

Whose hat represents more

oppression, yours or mine?

Uh, they both represent

a fair degree of oppression.

You just k*lled a lot more

people a lot quicker.

[laughs]

How you doing?

What's next?

I'm trying to blow up

your head with my mind.

Far out.

[eerie music]

*

Well, I guess we solved

all of the world's problems.

Good-bye, kids.

[whimsical music]

[b*mb whistling]

[expl*si*n]

And now, to commemorate

Bring Your Lover to Work Day,

my daughter Lashiqua Mae.

Mama!

Every time you lie...

Last night, I made out

with four girls.

An angel loses its wings.

Good to see you again,

ladies.

Back for round two?

Here I come, Mama.

Lie your way to heaven.

male announcer: Chewties!

Coming soon:

Ranch Flavor Chewties.

[whip cracking]

Him think you shouldn't

see this ad.

Thank you for taking care

of me and tending to my sores.

Him find own rewards

in helping you.

Here, have more ranch dress--

I mean, ranch medicine.

[squelching]

[groaning]

Makes me feel like a baby, Him.

Makes me feel good.

Come here, Mommy.

So much money.

I'm gonna get me so many copies

of DC CAD.

Him bring fresh batch

Ranch Chewties.

I don't know where you're

getting these Chewties,

but we're getting rich.

Unrelatedly,

have you seen your best friend

Wordsworth around lately?

Tell them the truth!

Chewties are cooties!

Him have--

Yeah?

Yeah, what is it?

Him--Him--Him--

Him never been so happy

in all Him life.

Him do happy dance!

Him dance like animal.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* All the animals are doing

* the animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animals everywhere.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal, animal,

* animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Dat-da, dat-da, dat-da,

* dat-da, animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Doot-do, doot-do, doot-do,

* doot-do, animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Look, everybody's doing

* the animal dance.

* Animal dance.

* Animal dance.

[laughs]

* Animal dance.

If you are what you eat,

then you are a buffoon.

Ladies.

Hey, kids,

the electric chair.

Let's put it to death.

zap!

I and my minions are prepared

to tear your souls apart!

[all growling and screaming]

male announcer: Chewties.

Number one snack food.

Me rich.

* Living the life

* of luxury.

* Living the life of--

* Pain!

[hard rock music]

* Pain!

* Life of luxury.

* Living the--

* Pain!

* Luxury.

* N!

* Luxur--

* N!

You like to watch

really exciting things?

Yes.

Yeah, like this next thing

coming up?

Yes.

All right, well,

let's go ahead and, uh--

go ahead and, uh--

Watch it.

Yeah, yeah, let's go ahead

and, um--

Watch it.

Yeah, let's, uh,

go ahead and, uh--

and wa--

[eerie, echoing voice]

[pencil scratching]

[muffled Jimmy.] Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Huh?

Why don't you come up front

and solve this problem for us?

Wait, Jimmy, no.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Come on, Jimmy, no!

Jimmy!

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Stop!

Well, Jimmy, I warned you.

One more shenanigan,

and you're in trouble.

This was that shenanigan.

You're gonna have

to call your mother

and tell her what you've done.

[roars]

[screams]

Oh, no!

The imagination of a child!

Jimmy, put down the phone.

[dramatic music]

*

chomp!

Don't eat me!

Don't eat me!

Don't eat me!

Oh!

Oh, Mommy, I just had

the worst nightmare.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Nightmares are just

nature's cop-outs.

Dog-nificance.

out of every people

listening to this message

are dead from cooties.

Cooties.

Don't let cooties

crucify you.

We still don't know the cause.

Cooties.

This public service

announcement was made possible

by a grant from...

male announcer: Chewties!

Chewties.

Number one snack food.

Now in Nacho Chicken Cheese

yellow.

Wait, now there's Chewtie

Avocado Dipping Sauce.

Also try Frozen Chewtie Avocado

Dipping Sauce Freezer Pops

and Frozen Chewtie Avocado

Dipping Sauce Freezer Pop

Blueberry Dipping Sauce.

Snack you later.

In the eight seconds

since that last PSA,

the cooties pandemic

has doubled thricefoldishly,

and it's all that guy's fault.

Him was to blame.

Him was the guy.

Him lied.

Him is a liar, liar, liar, liar.

Him is a liar.

Oh!

[clapping]

Him just dreaming.

Dream teach Him lesson

that it wrong to lie.

Him have to tell Wordsworth

truth about Chewties, kids.

You what?

You were selling my encrusted,

scabby sores as snack treats?

Just taste before you

condemn.

Okay.

Well, it's pretty damn tasty.

Yes, me did right thing

to tell you truth.

And now you know me secret.

Me must k*ll you

and eat your brains.

Brains! Brains!

Brains! Brains! Brains!

Don't eat my brains.

Not my brains!

Huh?

Oh, this whole episode

is just a nightmare?

What a cop-out.

Well, at least

I'm perfectly healthy.

Aaaah!

[snoring]

Is the most significant

virtue.

Huh? What?

Oh, I must have dozed off during

Wordsworth's boring speech.

This whole episode was a lie,

a rip-off, a cheat, a scam,

a con, a waste of your time.

Good-bye, kids.

Bye, kids.

Good-bye!

Good-bye.

Say good-bye, Lashiqua Mae.

Mama Lashiqua Mae.

* Good-bye, farewell.

* Au revoir, adios. *

* We hope you enjoyed

* the show.

* Thank you, my friend.

* We'll get you in the end.

* We hope to see you again.

Jimmy, come and solve

this problem.

I'm a super wienie.