02x02 - Seeing Stars

[bunniefuu]

Stolas: In the great expanse of The Nether

there exists boundless amounts of magnificent phenomenon.

The great brilliance of an exploding star,

the nimble dance of space dust through a nebula.

But once every one thousand years,
our corner of reality is treated to an incredible sight:

From the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos

the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to fall.

Tears made of the hopes and dreams of every living thing that never came to be.

Condensed and sent sh**ting across the night sky in a dazzling final display.

What appears to mortal beings as a meteor shower we can see for what it is:

Azathoth's Tears.

[Octavia giggles]

Daddy, can we go see it someday?

Yes, dear. I promise.

When the day comes nothing will be able to keep me from being there with you.

Good night, my Owlette.

[Octavia yawns]

Good night!

Hey, dad!

Dad?

Dad?

[Stolas in background]: Yes, I know!

It will be there shortly.

[angrily]: Of course they're being careful!

Dad, what's going on?

Apparently, your mother can't exist somewhere two minutes

[Stella continuing to argue over phone]

without the entirety of her possessions before she...

What?

No! I'm not turning her against you...

Yes, Stella!

[Stella through the phone] --never have to see your f*cking face again!

Dad?

This is going to be done before tonight, right?

[Stella continues to argue through the phone]

What? Oh. I hardly think so.

Knowing your mother, this will take all weekend.

Don't be gentle about it, now!

Break whatever you have to to get it all in there.

[Stella through the phone] What?! What did you just tell them to do?!

But, tonight we're supposed to-

Darling, can we not talk about this now?

Your mother's being a real B-I-T-C-H.

[Stella through the phone] The f*ck do you mean-

Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?!

I've never seen you read!

[Stella through the phone] I'm going to take everything! Everything you own!

Argh!
[door slams]

[glass breaks]

[huffing]

[crashing sounds]

Loona, honey, wait just a...

sh*t!

[Loona growls]

Loonie, please, can we talk...

[thud]

f*ck!

Uh, I mean, wow! Good throw, honey!

I-I'm so proud of youuuuu!

[Loona continues growling]

What's this all about, honey?

Ahhh, oh!

Blitzø finally talked to her about her attitude with clients.

[Loona growls]

I just think some small tweaks

might help you be more of a uh...

people person, you know?

I am a people person!

If I'm so terrible, how about you just grow a pair and replace me?

Okay, well, maybe I...

Maybe I might.

What?

Maybe I will, little missy!

Yeah, that's right it's tough love time.

So, now you can... go to your desk!

[Loona growls]

Sir, if I may say so,

you're doing the right thing.

If we can't even hire a cheerful qualified receptionist,

how can people trust us to m*ssacre and mutilate their enemies for them?

It's good for business.

[keypad beeps]

Take me to see the stars.

[whooshing noise]

Um, sir?

The f*ck?

[angrily] ...Looona!

[monotone]: Oh, yeah. You have a visitor.

Where am I?

[vomiting]

Whoa!

Hey! This is my territory, b*tch!

Take your shitty costume

and get the f*ck off my corner!

[car horns honk]

Protest! Protest! Protest!

Ah!

[hyperventilates]

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

What the f*ck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!

Well, he seems to like you, sir.

Maybe he would understand if...

Okay, my d*ck is good,

but it is not that good, Moxxie.

Sir, I don't think we really have a choice.

So, what?

You just want me to call him up and be like,

"Hey, Stolas" -

So, your daughter came by, took your book

and teleported off to who the f*ck knows where.

And we have no way of getting either of them back

Okay? Okay! Good talk

Byyyyyyyyyyyeee!

Oh, that actually went better than I thought.

[door explodes]

BLITZØ!

Hey, do y...

Can you help... h-how do I get a... I-

Excuse me, I just need to know where I can...

[sighs] see the stars.

[groans]

[gasps]

Yes!

How could this happen?!

Do you just let anyone waltz into your office

and grab infinitely powerful artifacts?!

Why would she do this?

How are we supposed to find her?

Where would she go?

[sniffs]

Well, it reeks of urine and desperation so...

[sniffs] Ugh... L.A.

What?

Alright, Loona, let's make this quick.

In and out before anyone notices us here.

[g*nf*re and screaming in background]

Oh. This doesn't look much different from Hell.

Alright, now let's get to work.

Loonie, sniff!

How am I supposed to smell anything in this city?

Can't you even do one thing right?

Can't you finally do something about how fat you are?

I'm not...

You know, it wouldn't k*ll you to put a salad in your body every now and then.

What? But, I'm not fat!

Now, first things first:

if we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way,

we're gonna need disguises.

No chance you can conjure us a couple of those, can ya?

Sadly, no.

I'm afraid without my grimoire,

my powers are just a tad limited in the human world.

What, you can't memorize your f*cking spells?

[annoyed]: Oh, your memory's so great?

What's his phone number?

f*ck you.

Exactly.

[music playing in background]

Hey, little man.

How about you check out this demo right here?

This is premium Grade-A fire right here!

Perfect for you to crank with the little lady.

Oh, wow! You made this?

Thank you!

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Hold up a sec, you just gonna grab it and go?

He said, "thank you".

Twenty bucks, man.

Millie!

We need money to pay this talented artist!

You can just give it back, Mox.

[gasps]

Millie!

These artists put their heart and soul into their work!

I can't just give it back like it's worthless!

[hisses]

It probably is.

Sick demon costume, man!

It's metal as f*ck!

I have an ide...

Whoa! Hey, hey-hey, hey, hey come back here!

I have an idea!

[groans]

And to your left,

you'll see the home of one of those influencers

who thinks they're hot sh*t 'cause now they do TV shows!

[kissing]

[groaning intensifies]

[cackling]

So?

[woman screams]

Look, everyone!

It's Hollywood star Brennon Ragers!

The f*ck is a Brendon Rage... oh.

Oh, dear.

[all talking at once excitedly]

Blitzø: Get the f*ck off of me!

Millie!

Where are you and your wh*re bag husband?!

♫ You're my lovely little monster ♫

♫ And I'll never say goodbye ♫

♫ I will k*ll for you ♫

♫ Until the day we die. ♫

[crowd cheers]

And, here you are, my fellow troubadour.

Whatever, man. Get the f*ck outta here

you're cramping my business.

Come on, babe!

We have to catch up to Blitzø before...

Hey! Wanna buy some art?

Wha? YES!

[excited crowd noises]

Blitzø: I'm taking this out of their pay!

[whistle blows]

[crowd goes silent, then makes sounds of disgust]

Mr. Ragers, we've been looking for you everywhere.

You were supposed to be on set an hour ago!

The f*ck are you talking about?

Your guest spot on...

[munching]

"Sweetie! I'm in the House!!"

[sitcom jazz music briefly plays in background]

We're taping tonight.

Now, hurry up and get in the car!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm not going anywhere with you, jizz-biscuit!

Very funny, Mr. Ragers.

Now, get in the car.

Come on, boy, come on.

Get your f*cking hands off...

Loona! Stolas! A little help, here?!

[crowd goes wild]

E-excuse me, sir. I'm...

Mr. Ragers' agent, and I don't believe you can just...

Oh! You are strong!

[groans]

Blitzø, we don't have time for this.

Via could be anywhere. She could be in danger.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

[glass shatters]

Loonie, go find Via! We'll catch up soon!

[crown continues cheering]

Yeah! Way to be a team player, sweetie!

She's in great hands.

[growling]

[choking noises]

Let's get him ready! He's on in five!

What? "Five" what?

I-I can't be on a sitcom!

Should've had an ego crisis before signing the contract.

I-I-I… Whoa-

I don't even know the f*cking lines, idiot!

Well, that's why God invented teleprompters!

Shouldn't he rehearse, or something?

No can do, we're live in 10... 9... 8...

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

I-I... I can't do this. No, not again.

I-I haven't performed since...

Blitzø,

if your performance on stage

is half as good as it is in bed

you'll leave them breathless.

Now hurry up and wow them

so we can get back to finding Via.

Break a leg, darling!

[door slams]

[Director]: Action!

[sitcom jazz music plays in background]

Well, if it isn't our neighbor, Ronnie.

You feel that earthquake earlier?

[quietly]: Say something...

Oh, yea?

Yeah.

That was just my wife rolling out of bed.

[frog croaks]

[audience laughs]

Yeah!

Yeah, and then that b*tch hit her head
on the way down

and shattered her skull!

[Stolas snickers]

There's blood everywhere...

[Stolas giggles]

pee in her pants...

[audience laughs anyway]

[glugs water]

[rock music plays]

♫ Don't wanna do what my daddy told me to ♫

♫ On the edge, trying to see a brand new view ♫

♫ Whoa, and I like it ♫

♫ Sick and tired of just wasting all my time ♫

♫ Feel unwise, I'll just go commit a crime ♫

[spits out drink]

♫ Whoa, and I like it ♫

♫ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh no! ♫

♫ Whoa-oh, and I like it ♫

♫ Wanna see the sights ♫

♫ Being a troublemaker ♫

♫ Turn off the lights ♫

♫ Get in a fight ♫

♫ Live on long, I'm not a faker ♫

♫ I'm a product of a broken home ♫

♫ And know that I can make it on my own ♫

♫ My story I will write ♫

♫ And going off the radar, and I like it ♫

[music ends]

[audience groaning in pain]

Blitzø: Oh, Uggie! You've gone and done it again.

That's the fifth couch this year!

[laughs maniacally]

Blitzø: You know, maybe it's about time

I found you a new home, one that could put up with your attitude.

I could take him, Mr. Ronnie!

I'd be happy to adopt old Uggie and give him the attention he needs!

[audience awws]

Yeah...

Yeah, m-m-maybe, you should adopt...

Aww, they're all so cute.

And they're.... sad.

Maybe you could adopt this one here.

Quite a strong lad, he'll be perfect for whatever work you want to use him for.

Ugh!

No, I'm not looking for no ugly wonker, heh.

I mean something that's more family-friendly,

A gift for the wife, huh? No problem.

We have a nice selection of other hounds.

Who's that?

Oh, her? That's just Loona.

[growling]

What a nightmare. Serious attitude problems.

She'll be out of our hair next month when she ages out.

Good riddance, if you ask me.

She'll never amount to anything much.

No.

No, no, no, you can't have her!

She's mine, and I love her!

[audience awws]

But, Mr. Ronnie, you gotta let me have the puppy.

You just gotta!

[Blitzø hisses]

Don't you touch her, you little a**l fissure!

Oh, you think this is funny, assholes?!

She’s not fit to be a mother!

I saw her doing lines of coke in her dressing room!

Now, uh... Ronnie. I think maybe you should...

No! You can't have our baby, b*tch!

I'LL NEVER GET RID OF HER!

[g*nsh*t]

Pervert!

Get off of me!

I'm coming, Bliiiiiiiitzø!

Excuse me! Would you mind?!

[screams]

[lady screams]

[entire audience screaming]

Let's go find our daughters.

[expl*si*n]

[Stolas gasps]

[fire truck horns and sirens in background]

[sniffing]

Hey.

Hey.

How did you find me?

Your Sinstagram. Nice pics by the way.

Oh, thanks.

[sniffles]

You okay?

Can't believe I was so stupid.

I spent all day looking for a place where I could see some dumb meteor shower.

[crying]: And all I get is... this!

Yeah, smog's a b*tch.

[keeps trying to start lighter]

[snaps]

[squeaky owl cough]

You know, your dad's really worried about you.

Right! That's why you're here instead of him.

He couldn't be bothered to keep his promise,

and now he can't be bothered to come and get me himself.

He'd rather spend his time just screaming at my mum.

Why does he hate her more than he loves me?

[sniffles]

[sighs]

Sometimes...

sometimes it's not as simple as that.

This kind of sh*t gets messy,

and everybody's got issues, especially dads.

And sometimes they f*ck up... well, all the time.

But, that doesn't mean they don't care.

If he cares, where is he?

He's somewhere down there.

He's here?

Looking for you. I mean...

Try to cut your dad some slack.

He may not always get it right, but...

he's trying.

That's more important than you think.

[bones crack]

You ready to go?

Yeah.

[sirens in background]

Blitzø: Now, if we could just find where...

Blitzø: Loona!

Oh, Loona, my sweet baby girl, I'm so sorry

I'll never replace you no matter what you...

[kicks]

[Stolas gasps]

You're good.

Dad...

I'm so sorry.

I'm just relieved you're okay!

But, what would possess you to do such a thing?

You know I haven't taught you spells like this yet.

I just wanted to see the stars you promised.

The stars?

[gasps]

Azathoth's tears!

Oh, no. Oh, my dear sweet Via. I am so...

I know, dad. It's okay, you're here now.

[fireworks]

What the f*ck is that?

My acting career.

[fireworks continue]

[gasps]

Look at that one! Did you see that one?

Now, where the f*ck are M&M?

[Moxxie groans]

Art is heavy!

[thud]

[crash, cans roll]

March, mister!

[Moxxie]: ♫ You're my pretty ray of hellfire ♫

♫ And you set my soul alight ♫

♫ I'm aflame with love ♫

♫ For you, my dove, you see... ♫

[Millie]: Moxxie...

[Millie]: ♫ You're the sweetly rotten pustule ♫

♫ On my heart as it decays ♫

♫ You're the stench of evil clinging ♫

♫ to my every dying day ♫

♫ You're the melody in every song ♫

♫ You're the harmony in every song ♫

♫ You're the reason nothing's ever wrong ♫

♫ You're the first thing that I think of ♫

♫ When I wake anew to k*ll again ♫

♫ You're my lovely little monster ♫

♫ And I'll never say goodbye ♫

♫ I will k*ll for you ♫

♫Until the day we die ♫

[horse galloping]

[whip cracks]