02x09 - The Scare

[bunniefuu]

Amy, what's wrong?

I just got your text
saying "Help" in all caps.

Oh, I'm gonna need you to run
home and grab my math homework.

And Hartley, I'm gonna need you
to do my math homework.

I am not doing your math homework.

I figured she'd say that,

which is why I already
wrote my name on hers.

[both snicker]

-Hey!
-Out of my way, Mini-Madden.

Gem, I'm taller than you.

Well, I'm not updating my burns

just because you had a growth spurt.

Hey, no one talks
to my brother like that

except me...

and my other brother...
and my mom, and my dad.

Okay, a lot of people do,
but not you.

Fine. I don't need to talk about
him when I can talk about you.

Attention, everyone.

I've got some very exciting news.

As you all know,
I recently started my own

online gossip channel.

Yeah, we know, and we don't care.

Well, you're gonna care.

Because during
tonight's live stream,

I'm gonna drop the biggest b*mb yet.

And it's all about you.

Did she just touch me?
She touched me.

Hartley, she touched me!

You see, Amy's been keeping
a juicy secret from everyone.

And her perfect friend Hartley
has been covering for her.

But tonight, I'm gonna share
video evidence

that'll expose everything
and take them both down.

Hope you're ready,
'cause once word gets out,

your lives will never be the same.

Have a great day! Bye!

You don't actually think...

Gem knows I'm Havoc.

I don't get it.

What evidence could Gem
have that we're villains?

Well, you do use your powers
to get whatever you want,

whenever you want,

so that might have something
to do with it.

Hartley, this is no time
for the blame game.

Whatever, my life's over anyways.

When people find out
I've been keeping your secret,

I'll be burned at the stake.

I'm a supervillain, not a witch.

No one's gonna-- Oh, wait,
people do kinda hate villains.

You're right, they're gonna
roast you like a marshmallow.

We have to warn your family
and get you out of town.

I know you just changed
your name to Amy,

but I always thought
you looked like a Jennifer.

Look, will you relax?

We just have to get a hold of
whatever video footage Gem has

before she drops it tonight.

Getting that evidence
is gonna be impossible.

Gem keeps her gossip files
on her laptop at home.

Well, then, I guess we'll just
have to sneak into her house.

What? No way. I'm not doing that.

Fine. But when they burn you at
the stake, I wouldn't wear that.

Looks real flammable.

[car tires screeching on TV]

Eva, you said
you were making popcorn.

This is just corn. Where's the pop?

Next time, could you do that
before it's in my lap?

Hey, what's with the huge box
out front?

-Did you guys order something?
-I didn't.

A do-it-yourself helicopter kit,

but that won't be here 'til Tuesday.

You know what this means.

If we didn't order it, then...

-Free stuff!
-Free stuff!

Oh! What do you think's in there?

I don't know, but whatever
it is, it's all mine.

-Boo!
-[screams]

[laughs]

Oh, that was great, Celia.
We really got 'em.

Jake, you knew about this?

Yup. We've been planning
to scare you for weeks.

You should be happy I talked her
out of using the bear traps.

I needed an inside accomplice,

and nothing makes me happier

than turning family members
against each other.

That's why I've been banned from
my last five family reunions.

Well, you messed
with the wrong people, Celia.

Yup. That's for sure.

Because we know how
to scare better than anyone.

Are you issuing me
a scare challenge?

-Bring it.
-Game on.

We're gonna take you and Jake down.

Watch it, shady.

You're writing a check
your butt can't cash.

Which reminds me,
you paid your rent with a check

my butt can't cash. Pay up.

Amy, I'm sorry, but I can't
let you break into Gem's house.

I know you want that footage,

but there's got to be
a less ill*gal way to get it.

I agree.
That's why I reached out to Gem

and we talked things through.

-She agreed to give me the video.
-Gem?

The same person who aggressively
booped you this morning?

If you don't believe me,
ask her yourself.

Hey, girls. Thanks for coming.

Gem, hi.

Wow. I guess
I really misjudged you two.

-People can change.
-Yep.

Whole new Gem.

I forgot my key,
but my butler will let us in.

Oh, look. You're home early.

Yay.

Good to see you, too, uh...

Wallace. I'd be offended if I
weren't already dead inside.

You know what, Wallace?

You do deserve better.
Take the rest of the day off.

Ooh, a 364-day year.

You're too kind.

All right, let's ransack
this place and find that video.

Wait, I thought you were
gonna give it to us?

Oh, I'm not Gem.

But like you said,
people can change.

Colby!

Okay, the next time one of you
uses a power to trick me,

I'm gonna... fume over it quietly,

but at least you'll know
I'm really mad!

Sorry, but any chance I get
to be a villain, I'm taking it.

I even wore my flash-form underwear

just so I could feel the part.

Look, we had to do this.

Would you rather
my secret be exposed

and we never see each other again?

Of course not.

I just wish you would've told me
before you tricked me.

Yeah, I don't think you get how
the whole trick thing works.

Come on, we only have an hour

until Gem's back from her mani-pedi.

How do you know that?

Oh, because I broke into her phone.

After I broke into her locker.

You're fuming quietly, aren't you?

Let's just make this quick.

You heard her, Colby.

-Got it.
-How do you know it's hers?

It's hers. Let's go.

[keys rattle]

[Gem] Hello?

Wallace, you know I don't
do doorknobs!

It's Gem. How is she back so soon?

That was only enough time
for a mani or a pedi, not both.

Oh, what,
just because I'm a villain,

I have to let my cuticles run wild?

-[keys rattling in lock]
-Hide.


Wallace, where are you?

It's snack time,
and I need you to peel

the fuzzy part off my kiwis.

Let's get out of here before she
makes him baby-bird it to her.

[scoffs]

Call butler.

Ugh! Why are kiwis so hard to peel?

You're gonna eat that?

What? I like a hairy fruit.

Gem just went in the other room.

Now's our chance to get out of here.

Let's go.

[keys rattling]

Let's not go.

Miss Gem, I'm back.

[scoffs]

I see you've already scuffed up
my nice, clean floors

with your overpriced chunky shoes.

Wallace, where have you been?

Enjoying life.

I can't spend all my time
spritzing your closet

with Ariana Grande perfume.

Who said you could take today off?

You did, when I let you
and your two friends in earlier.

Uh-oh.

What two friends?

You know I only have one.

And she lives in the mirror.

I'm surprised her reflection
can stand her.

I'm surprised she has a reflection.

Whatever. Have you seen my laptop?

It was in my room and now it's gone.

How am I supposed to ruin
someone's life

if I don't have my laptop?

Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

you're ruining mine right now.

Don't worry, I set up locators
on everything you own.

Just tap the laptop locator
on the app.

Locator? Oh, no.

You know, for someone who hates
his job, he's really good at it.

Ah, the simple things.

A sunny day, tall decaf mocha,

two pumps of agave,
light on the oat milk,

three ice cubes
and a dash of nutmeg.

[voice] Jake.

Jake!

[gasps]

Dicky Spooks?

That's right.

Your scariest childhood toy is back.

You wanna play?

But I thought Mom threw you away.

Oh, she did, but I spent
the last ten years

crawling my way out of the trash
heap with my tiny doll hands.

Now come give Dicky a hug!

-[cackles]
-[screams]

[both laughing]

Hey, who's winning
the scare challenge now?

I told you I could make
a new Dicky Spooks.

I still feel bad about giving
our five-year-old son a doll

possessed by an evil spirit,

but non-possessed dolls
are so expensive.

Wait, did you know Jake
could jump that high?

Well, now that you mention it,
I did not.

Look at him go! Ha!

All that adrenaline from the
scare must've gone to his legs

and made his super-strength react.

Oh, well, that's fun.

-Yoo-hoo!
-What? Celia.

Staring at the sun, huh? Keep going.

When you feel a burning sensation

in the back of your eyeballs,
just push through it.

Here.

I felt bad about scaring you,

so I came to offer
a token of my apology.

Nice try,
but we weren't born yesterday.

This is clearly a snake
disguised as a plant!

Nope, it's just a plant.

That cost me 30 bucks.

Now I'm getting a snake.

Hey, wait, so you really were
being genuine?

Yes.

So, what do you say?

No more scares?

[both] No more scares.

Good.

-[Jake screaming]
-What the...?

What's wrong?
Can't find the locator app?

Of course I can.

But first I have to post
my hourly selfie.

[clears throat]

Well, back up.

I don't want your old on my socials.

You're the reason I look like this.

Okay, now I'll turn on
the locator app.

Amy, we have to do something.

Any second the laptop is gonna--

-[laptop pings]
-Oh! Do that.

She probably can't even tell
where it's coming from.

[laptop pinging]

It sounds like it's coming from
under the table.

What? I said probably.

Well, I didn't put it there.

You must have moved it.

Oh, I assure you, when I snap,

I'm gonna do a lot more
than move your laptop.

Oh, that's it. We're dead.

Colby, do something.

Wait, now it's coming
from over there.

You've just been saved
by my kinetic manipulation.

Twenty percent gratuity
is standard these days.

Ow!

[laptop pinging]

Wait, now it's coming
from over here.

Are you playing a trick on me?

Yes, it's that old trick where
I wait on you hand and foot

your entire life, and then
move your laptop around.

[snickers and snorts]

What was that?

[gasps]

-What are you doing here?
-Well, isn't it obvious?

We're hiding and eating hairy fruit.

You broke into my house?

That's what I get
for being a celebrity.

Okay, just because you did
background work

in a local mattress commercial,
doesn't make you a celebrity.

And just to be clear,
we didn't break in.

Your butler let us in.

Ha! You can't arrest someone
for that, right?

[laughs] Right?

Someone answer me!

You let them in?

Yes, because you told me to.

How is that possible?

When I got home
you weren't even here.

So typical

You know, I think I will take
the rest of the day off.

I'm due for some self-care.

My job does not define me.
My job does not define me.

Wallace out.

[door opens and closes]

I know why you're here.

You're trying to steal my evidence

so I can't expose your secret.

Well, joke's on you.

You know, I was gonna
go live tonight,

but why wait when I can do it
right now?

Gem, please don't do this.

It's one thing to be mean to people,

but do you really want
to ruin someone's life?

Uh, yeah.

Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure
I remember you being

on the receiving end of it
and not liking it too much.

What are you talking about?

Ten years ago?

Your first Little Miss
Valley View pageant?

You were there for that?

Whatever she's about to say,
it never happened.

And yet I'm all ears.

Oh, it definitely happened.

And I saw the whole thing.

Your mom made you wear
a feathery yellow dress.

And one of the other contestants

changed your sash to say "Big Bird."

Big Bird! That's great.

But mean, very mean.

Go on, Hartley.

Everyone laughed
and you took it so hard,

you dropped out of the pageant
and ran home crying.

Wrong!

I left because
my mascara was running.

Yeah, 'cause what six-year-old
hasn't had that happen?

And that's when everything
about you changed.

The way you dressed,
the way you acted,

the way you treated people.

I don't get it.

If that girl was so mean to you,

then why are you mean
to everyone else?

'Cause she knows
if she hurts people first,

they can't hurt her.

Right?

Oh, so now Chunky Boots Magoo
is gonna school me on life?

You know nothing about me.
My life is fine.

It's yours that's about
to be destroyed.

Yeah? Well, not if I have
anything to do with it.

-Give it to me. It's mine!
-No.

Give it back. You don't want
to pick a fight with me!

Never!

I'm sorry, I forgot my...

I don't know what's going on,

but I'm rooting
for the one who's not Gem.

-Give it to me!
-No!

I can't believe
I put Celia in the hospital.

Oh, I just hope she's okay.

She's gonna be so mad at us.

Not necessarily.

I made her a get-well card that says

"Hope you're feeling better
by next fall."

-Get it? Next fall?
-Oh.

She's gonna come after me first,
isn't she?

Well, she'd better,
I'm counting on that

to give me time to get away.

Look, I'm sure Celia's fine.

She's probably
just got a little banged up.

[Celia] Yoo-hoo.

-Celia?
-What's left of me.

You poor thing!

Are you okay?

-We feel horrible.
-Is there anything we can do?


Actually, yeah.

I told the doctor
that I have a nice family

that can take care of me.

Great. Well, you just tell us
where they live

and we'll roll you right on over.

I think she's talking about us.
Am I right?

You can tell me I'm wrong.

Please tell me I'm wrong.

Of course I'm talking about you.

You did this to me,

so you're gonna nurse me
back to health.

Well, how long are we talking?

Six months
till I'm out of this cast.

Then there's the skin grafts,
the spinal taps.

It's gonna be a long,
painful winter.

That reminds me, which one
of you is on bedpan duty?

-Jake!
-Jake!

You wanted to be a good person.
Knock yourself out.

I will turn all of you in.

Celia, will you excuse us?

What are we gonna do?

We have no choice.

Our son did this to her,

and so we have to help
take care of her.

Friendly reminder,
if you hadn't scared your son,

this never would've happened.

[blows air horn]

Sorry, I can't yell or my ribs
will collapse into my diaphragm.

Could you roll me to the couch?

Or as I like to call it,
my new home.

Uh, sure.

-Ah!
-[all scream]

[laughs]

Gotcha!

Ooh, you should've seen your faces.

Ah! Ah!

[squeals and laughs]

Wait a minute, so you played us?

Yep. I'm fine.

I had the EMTs say
we were going to the hospital,

but we actually went for pizza.

Just don't tell anyone.

They missed a few calls.

I can't believe you!

Seriously, Celia,
we really thought you were hurt.

Well, it serves you right.

You were so desperate
to win the challenge,

you had Jake jump
off of the roof to scare me.

Oh, no, actually
they scared me so bad

all the adrenaline rushed
to my feet and my...

Yup, you're right.
I jumped off the roof.

Get your hands off my laptop.

Your giant thumbs
are crinkling my sticker faces.

Gem, I know you don't like me,
but please don't do this.

It's gonna cause more damage
than you can possibly imagine.

Yeah. Amy's my best friend,

and if you reveal her secret
I may never see her again.

And if you show this video,

you could destroy our whole family.

Well, that's Amy's fault, not mine.

She should have thought about that

when she became a hypnotist.

What?

Hypnotist?

Yeah, that's right.
I know your secret.

I overheard you two
talking at the round-up

about "sonic hypnosis."

-Oh.
-Oh.

Wait, what did you think
I was talking about?

That.

You got me. I'm a hypnotist.

I'm just inching my way
towards close-up magic.

Wait, then what video evidence
are you fighting over?

Evidence that she's been
hypnotizing people

into giving her what she wants.

Oh, no. Don't show people that.

Two days ago,
when the lunch lady told you

she was out of chicken parm,

you stared her down
with your little...hypno-eyes.

That's not what we call them
in the hypnosis community,

but continue.

Once you had her in your trance,

the lunch lady said to take hers.

And Gladys never shares with anyone.

Not true, she once shared
a very long story

about her varicose veins.

Just what you want to hear
before eating spaghetti.

Wait, we went through all this,

and you don't even know
that Amy's a--

Hartley! You're getting very sleepy.

Look into my eyes and shut it.

Luckily, I recorded the whole thing.

Now everyone will know you've
been hypnotizing your way

around school
with Hartley by your side.

Busted!

Now gimme!

[gasps]

Gem, look out!

-[screams]
-[shrieks]

[glass shatters]

What just happened?

How did that not hit me?

Uh, it must have broken
on the way down.

Wow, was that lucky.

Uh, yeah.

Clearly the universe
was looking out for you,

so, uh, maybe you should
take some of that good fortune

and send it back out into the world.

What?

None of those words
make any sense to me.

She's saying to be nicer to people.

Oh!

Well, I mean, I was just given
a second chance.

Maybe you should get one too.

Okay, I won't ruin your life.

Oh, are you sure?

I mean, my hypnotist secret
is so shameful.

Well, I mean, you're not
gonna tell anyone

about the pageant thing, right?

Of course not.

Thanks.

And just for the record,
my mattress commercial

was shown in three
different counties.

Got it.

I have to say, I'm really impressed.

You actually saved
your enemy's life.

Eh, I was really just saving Wallace

from having to mop up the aftermath.

Oh. Hi, Gem.

Good morning.

Wow, I'm really nailing

this not-being-mean thing.

I guess you were right.

I can be a nicer person.

All you said was "good morning."

I know.

Look at me turning over a new leaf.

Well, I'm proud of you.

You know how
you could really blossom?

By joining the Sunshine Club!

And just like that, I'm done.

You know, she's starting
to grow on me.