[ Woman reporter ]
and here in malaysia,
There is an almost overwhelming
sense of euphoria...
As the newly-elected
prime minister has given
this nation the gift of hope,
Promising to raise
the substandard minimum wage...
And end child labor
once and for all.
Already considered
a living saint,
He has become this
small country's greatest hope...
For a thriving future
in the new millennium.
Ah, get closer, jaco.
This is disgusting.
How could you let this happen ?
I have negotiated
my butt off, giorgio.
I've tried bribes,
I've tried gifts.
I even sent him some pet oxen.
I mean, they love that crap
in malaysia.
But he won't budge.
[ Woman ]
listen, 50 percent
of my inventory...
Is manufactured in sweatshops
on the malaysian border.
Something has got to be done.
If malaysia goes,
what is next ?
My entire panty line
is made in vietnam.
We'll all go bankrupt
within a year.
The malaysian must be
eliminated, mugatu.
What ? No.
I don't have time for this.
Perhaps you'd rather go back
to turning out novelty neckties
in hackensack.
But my new fall line
is almost due.
And I trust you would
like to live to see your
spring line as well ?
- [ Whimpers ]
- the malaysian prime minister
visits new york in 14 days.
- Do it then.
- Fourteen days ?
That's fashion week.
It's impossible !
I have a show !
It's perfect. Invite him
to be your guest of honor.
That's not enough time.
It takes months to recruit
and train an operative.
What about fabio ? Hmm ?
Too smart.
This is a rush job.
He's got to be
extremely dim-witted.
- You know the profile, jacobim.
- A beautiful self-absorbed...
Simpleton who can be manipulated
and molded like jell-o.
Or cookie dough.
Or play-doh.
Any kind of dough.
The point is,
we need an empty vessel--
A shallow, dumb,
vacuous moron.
And when he's finished,
we dispose of him.
But who ? I mean, where in all
of god's green goodness...
Am I gonna find
someone that beef-headed ?
Derek, I just have a few
more questions if that's okay.
Cool.
So when did you know
you wanted to be a model ?
Hmm. I guess it would
have to be the first time
I went through the second grade.
I caught
my reflection in a spoon
while I was eating my cereal,
And I remember thinking,
"wow, you're ridiculously
good-looking.
Maybe you could do that
for a career."
- Do what ?
- Be professionally
good-looking.
Right. What would you say your
trademark is, if you have one ?
Well, I guess the look I'm best
known for is blue steel.
What's that look like ?
That's impressive.
And then there's ferrari
and le tigre.
Le tigre's a lot softer.
It's a little bit more
of a catalog look.
I use it for footwear
sometimes.
Can I see that ?
♪ [ Nikki costa: "call me" ]
♪
- ♪ Call on me...
- Look, without derek
zoolander,
Male modeling wouldn't be
what it is today.
He is a fashion icon.
So do you spend a lot of time
working on these looks,
thinking about them ?
Oh, sure. I've been working
on magnum for at least
the last eight or nine years.
Magnum ? That's intriguing.
Can I see that ?
Are you kidding ? I shouldn't
even be talking about it.
It's nowhere near ready.
[ Christian slater ]
it's almost like there's a light
around him. He exudes beauty.
I think about derek every time
I design a collection.
Derek, I don't know if you're
familiar with the belief that
some aboriginal tribes hold.
It's the concept that a photo
might steal a part of your soul.
What are your thoughts on that,
as someone who gets his picture
taken for a living ?
[ Cuba gooding, jr. ]
That blue steel look he does--
my gosh, the style and the hair.
You know, it's almost like
the new afro for the white man,
but it's beautiful.
Well, I guess I would
have to answer your question
with another question.
How many "abo-digitals"
do you see modeling ?
[ Announcer ]
ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the industry's biggest night,
The vh1 fashion awards.
♪ Call me on the line
[ continues ]
There he is, three-time
male model of the year,
derek zoolander.
- He's like music.
- Proud owner of blue steel,
The look that made him
the legend he is today.
- He's almost too good-looking.
- Hey, paco !
That would be my main deterrent
in, you know, considering...
A relationship.
♪ Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo, he speaks
the languages of love ♪
♪ Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...
And that's who derek zoolander
is defending his title
against tonight.
Hansel.
- Hansel, right here !
- All right, all right,
all right.
The rookie sensation
who has burned his way...
Into the eye sockets
of the fashion world...
And left them
clawing their faces for more.
Mugatu sucks !
Support the prime minister !
Mugatu uses sl*ve labor !
Ahhhh !
Down with mugatu !
Support the prime minister !
Oh, you hate to see something
like that at an event like this.
Ugly protestors
bothering beautiful people.
No denying jacobim mugatu
has been accused of exploiting
cheap malaysian workers...
To make his and most of
the garment industry's clothes.
Derek ! Derek !
Hey, steve,
how are you doing ?
You're going for your fourth
straight male model of the year
award. Are you nervous ?
There are a couple of little
butterflies in my basket,
but I think I'm doing okay.
We also hear you're
working on a new look.
Can you tell us about it ?
Actually I can't, steve,
because it's not yet perfected.
But I can tell you that
it's called magnum and--
shut, baby, shut !
Whew ! If I tell you anything
else, this guy's gonna k*ll me.
Got that right.
How are you doing, steven ?
Maury ballstein, ba*ls models.
A man who needs no introduction.
You've handled every important
male model for 30 years.
Derek's chances tonight ?
Let me tell you something.
Nobody can touch derek.
Nobody !
I gotta get inside. I'm
"shvitzing" like a "shmedrik"
with all these lights.
[ Indistinct chanting ]
Derek, derek !
Are you worried about hansel ?
Uh, not as much as
I'm worried about gretel.
Hey, put that
hansel and gretel line
in your article.
I want people to know
how funny I can be.
Oh, believe me, they'll know.
It hits newsstands tomorrow.
Excuse me, mr. Mugatu !
Mr. Mugatu, matilda jeffries,
time magazine.
Any comment
on prime minister hassan's wage
increases for garment workers ?
- No ! He has no comment.
- Let him speak for himself.
Isn't it true you'd like
to see the prime minister
out of power...
So you can continue exploiting
cheap malaysian labor ?
Hey, mugatu ! Screw you
and your little dog too !
Look out !
She's got an egg !
[ Screaming ]
[ Woman ]
let go of me !
Yes ! Yes.
Wow. I just can't tell you
how much this means to me...
To be the first recipient
of this beautiful award.
We have a serious problem
on our hands, maury.
This malaysian thing
is getting out of hand.
I hear you, jaco.
With this, the slashie, mean...
Is you consider me the best
actor slash model...
And not the other way around.
This proposed wage increase
could ruin all of us.
I need it taken care of soon.
I have people to answer to.
All right,
now to the important stuff.
These ain't no slashes, folks.
These are the pure breeds.
Here are the nominees
for male model of the year.
[ Announcer ]
young. Hot. Brash.
With more covers in his first
year than any rookie model ever.
And an attitude that says,
"who cares ?
It's only fashion."
That hansel's
so hot right now.
[ Hansel ]
I hear a lot of words
like "beauty"...
And "handsomeness" and
"incredibly chiseled features."
To me, that's like
a vanity, a self-absorption
that I try to steer clear of.
Aaaaah !
I dig the bungee. For me, it's
just the way I live my life.
I grip it, and I rip it.
I live with a lot of flair.
I live it on the edge,
where I gotta be.
I wasn't like every other kid,
you know, who dreams about
being an astronaut.
I was always more interested
in what bark was made out of
on a tree.
Richard gere's
a real hero of mine.
Sting. Sting would be
another person who's a hero.
The music that he's
created over the years--
I don't really listen to it.
But the fact
that he's making it,
I respect that.
I care desperately
about what I do.
Do I know what product
I'm selling ? No.
Do I know what
I'm doing today ? No.
But I'm here, and I'm
gonna give it my best shot.
[ Announcer ]
hansel.
[ Announcer ]
over the past decade,
Male modeling has had a shadow
cast over it by one man...
And five syllables.
De-rek zoo-lan-der.
[ Derek ]
modeling to me isn't just
about being good-looking...
Or having a lot of fun and being
really, really good-looking.
[ Announcer in japanese ]
[ Grunting ]
The calendar was great because
it gave people a chance to see
a side of my versatility.
The original
greek word for model means
"misshapen ball of clay,"
And I try to think
about that every time
I get in front of a camera.
[ Announcer ]
three-time male model
of the year...
Derek zoolander.
And the award goes to...
Hansel.
Ahhhh !
[ Announcer's voice ]
hansel. Hansel.
Hansel.
Thank you, lenny.
Wow !
You know, a lot of people said
winning this award...
Four years in a row
couldn't happen.
Well, I guess I showed--
Oy !
I think we found
our solution, ballstein.
No, not derek.
He's perfect,
and you know it.
Now make it happen.
Oy. It stings me
like a fissure in my a*s.
But you're right.
He's ready.
[ Grunts ]
Who am I ?
I don't know.
I guess I have
a lot of things to ponder.
- [ Car horn honking ]
- hey, the results are in,
amigo !
What's left to ponder ?
Whoo !
Nice comeback !
[ Laughs ]
♪
[ Wallflowers ]
♪ I started a joke
♪ Which started
the whole world crying ♪
♪ But I didn't see
♪ That the joke was on me
♪ Oh, no
♪ I started to cry
♪ Which started
the whole world laughing ♪
♪ But if I'd only seen
♪ That the joke was on me
♪ That the joke was on me
♪ That the joke was on me
- Ugh ! I can't stand hansel !
- I know, right ?
Riding in on that scooter
like he's so cool.
And the way hansel
combs his hair.
Or like doesn't.
It's like "ex-squeeze" me,
but have you ever heard
of styling gel ? Ha-ha-ha !
I'm sure hansel's
heard of styling gel.
He's a male model.
Earth to brint.
I was making a joke.
Earth to meekus.
Duh, okay ? I knew that.
Earth to brint.
I'm not so sure you did,
'cause you were all,
"Well, I'm sure
he's heard of styling gel,"
Like you didn't know
it was a joke.
- [ Laughing ]
- I knew it was a joke, meekus.
I just didn't get it.
Earth to brint !
[ Derek ]
would you guys stop it already !
Did you ever think that
maybe there's more to life...
Than being really, really,
really ridiculously
good-looking ?
I mean, maybe we should be doing
something more meaningful
with our lives.
Like helping people.
Uh, derek, what people ?
I don't know.
People who need help.
Models help people.
They make them feel good
about themselves.
They also show them
how to dress cool and wear
their hair in interesting ways.
Yeah !
I guess so.
Know what could really
help you sort through
these important issues ?
What ?
[ Together ]
orange mocha frappuccino !
[ All laughing, agreeing ]
[ wham! ]
♪ Jitterbug
- Yeah ! Yeah !
-♪ Jitterbug
Come on, man !
Come on !
♪ You put the boom boom
into my heart ♪
♪ You send my soul sky high
when your lovin' starts ♪
♪ A jitterbug into my brain
it goes bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ yeah, yeah
[ All yelling ]
♪ till my feet do the same
♪ But something's bugging me
something ain't right ♪
♪ My best friend told me
what you did last night ♪
♪ You left me sleeping
in my bed ♪
♪ I was dreaming, but I should
have been with you instead ♪
♪ Wake me up
before you go-go ♪
♪ Don't leave me hanging on
like a yo-yo ♪
♪ Wake me up
before you go-go ♪
♪ I don't want to miss it
when you hit that high ♪
[ Yelling ]
♪ wake me up
before you go-go ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not planning
on going solo ♪
♪ Wake me up
before you go-go ♪
♪ Take me dancing tonight
♪ I wanna hit that high
- [ Yelling ]
- ♪ yeah, yeah
♪ You put the grey skies
out of my way ♪
♪ You make the sun shine
brighter than doris day ♪
♪ Turned a bright spark
into a flame ♪
♪ yeah, yeah
♪ My beats per minute
never been the same ♪
"derek zoolander:
♪ 'Cause you're my lady
I'm your fool ♪
a model idiot ?"
♪ It makes me crazy
when you act so cruel ♪
♪ Come on, baby
let's not fight ♪
[ Yelling continues ]
♪ we'll go dancing
everything will be all right ♪
♪ Wake me up
before you go-go ♪
♪ Don't leave me hanging on
like a yo-yo ♪
- ♪ Wake me up before--
- brint !
Nooooo !
♪ [ Organ: funeral dirge ]
Rufus, brint and meekus
were like brothers to me.
And when I say brother, I don't
mean like an actual brother...
But I mean it like the way
black people use it...
Which is more meaningful,
I think.
If there's anything that this
horrible tragedy can teach us,
It's that a male model's life is
a precious, precious commodity.
Just because we have chiseled
abs and stunning features,
It doesn't mean
that we, too, can't not die...
In a freak
gasoline fight accident.
So today, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to take
this opportunity...
To announce my retire--
♪ [ rock ]
♪
[ Computer voice ]
hansel. Hansel.
Hansel. He's so hot
right now. Hansel.
I would like to take
this oppor--
People !
[ Pounds pulpit ]
I'd like to announce
my retirement from the male
modeling profession.
- [ Murmuring ]
- what ?
I'm pretty sure there's
a lot more to life than being
really, really good-looking,
And I plan on finding out
what that is.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Mugatu ! Mr. Mugatu !
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
I'd like to have a moment
of your time, please, sir.
Just one minute
of your time, please, sir.
Mm-mm, mm-mm !
[ Sighs ]
derek ?
Derek, hey.
What do you want ?
Actually, I'm trying
to talk to mugatu,
But he's tougher to get to
than the president.
Oh, I thought you were
gonna tell me what a bad
"eugoogolizer" I am.
A what ?
A "eugoogolizer."
One who speaks at funerals.
Or did you think
I'd be too stupid to know
what a "eugoogoly" was ?
[ Clears throat ]
how could you have written
those terrible things about me ?
Look, derek, my editor put
that headline on it, okay ?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know it came off
kind of harsh.
Yeah, well, fortunately for you,
not too many people I know...
Read your little time magazine,
or whatever it's called.
Look, maybe you
could do me a favor.
All I'm trying to do
is get some background
information on mugatu.
Mugatu ?
If you knew anything,
You'd know
mugatu's the one designer
who's never hired me.
Come on !
There's gotta be some--
sorry, lady. Not interested.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got an after funeral
party to attend.
[ Engine starts,
door closes ]
[ Car horn honking ]
[ maury ] go back home ?
You're overreacting.
[ Derek ]
I want to do something
meaningful with my life.
I have deeper thoughts
on my mind.
The other day,
I was thinking about
volunteering to help...
Teach underprivileged
children to learn
how to read.
And just thinking about it
was the most rewarding
experience I've ever had.
Derek, I don't think you're
cut out for that kind of thing.
I mean, maybe I could even
have my own institute.
We could call it
the derek zoolander center
for kids who can't read good.
What about us ?
We built this place together.
Look out !
Tushy squeeze !
[ Squeals ]
Maury !
Derek, when I met you,
You were a junior petite
who couldn't book a g*dd*mn
sears catalog...
And who couldn't turn left
to save his a*s.
Now look at you.
I can turn left.
Yeah, right. Derek, please.
Some male models...
Go left at the end of a runway,
others go right.
You got a lot of gifts,
but hanging a louie
just isn't one of them.
Sit down !
Hey, you wanna hear
some great news ?
♪ [ Humming fanfare ]
Mugatu wants you
for his new campaign.
Didn't you hear me, maury ?
I just retired.
But this is mugatu, derek.
Right now,
this guy is so hot...
He can take a crap,
wrap it in tin foil, put
a couple of fishhooks on it...
And sell it to queen elizabeth
as earrings.
Derek, you're the laughingstock
of the entire fashion world.
What do we do
when we fall off the horse ?
Hmm. We get back on.
Sorry, maury.
I'm not a gymnast.
I'm going back home.
I need to get
in touch with my roots,
figure out who I am.
See you around, maury.
Oy.
[ Rufus wainwright ]
♪ the road is long
♪ With many a winding turn
♪ That leads us to
hey, pop.
♪ Who knows where
♪ Who knows when
It's me.
Scrappy, luke.
♪ He ain't heavy
[ continues, indistinct ]
- You remember
your brother, right ?
- What do you want ?
I thought maybe I could work
the mines with you guys.
You know, all the
zoolander men together again,
like when we were kids.
Times have changed, boy.
You wouldn't last one day
down those coal pits.
Can't you even pretend
to be happy to see me, pop ?
Damn it, derek, I'm
a coal miner, not a professional
film and television actor.
Do us all a favor and...
Get out of here.
Pop, wait, please !
Give me a chance.
I won't let you down,
I promise.
[ Mugatu ]
hold very still, very still.
I'm working right now.
This--
Ouch !
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did my pin get in the way
of your a*s ?
Do me a favor and lose
five pounds immediately...
Or get out of my building
like now !
- Get out !
- [ Dog whimpers ]
I'm so tired !
No, todd, not now !
It's maury.
Tell me something good.
You may have to start
looking for someone else.
There is no one else.
The show is in ten days,
ballstein.
Jaco, I hear you,
but the kid's mixed up.
He went home.
He's talking about
going off to ponder...
And tutoring underprivileged
ret*rds or some sh*t.
I don't care what it takes.
Get him back.
We're running out of time.
Capisce?
Yeah, I capisce.
Now if I could only
ca-piss.
My prostate's flaring up
like a frickin' tiki torch.
Give me a little pee-pee.
Come on, a couple of drops.
- [ Dripping ]
- oh, that's what
I'm talking about !
♪
[ Loverboy ]
♪ everyone's watching
♪ To see what you will do
♪ Everyone's looking
at you, oh ♪
♪ Everyone's wondering
♪ Will you come out tonight
[ grunts, sighs ]
♪ Everyone's trying to get
it right, get it right ♪
[ whimpers ]
♪ Everybody's working
surprise !
♪ For the weekend
[ gasps, groans ]
♪ Everybody wants
a little romance ♪
What the hell's
the matter with you ?
♪ Everybody's going
off the deep end ♪
[ dog barking ]
[ Tv sportscaster,
indistinct ]
Pacheco back to pass.
[ Sportscaster #2 ]
he's getting pressure
from pressman.
He's looking for his
all-american john de rosa.
He's got him wide open.
- Big rush ! Oh !
- Who's winning the match ?
Hits kevin conley,
the tight end down in there.
- State.
- [ Weak coughing ]
[ Sportscasters continue,
indistinct ]
I think I'm getting
the black lung, pop.
It's not very well
ventilated down there.
For christ's sake, derek,
you've been down there one day.
Talk to me in 30 years.
♪
Moisture is the essence
of wetness...
And wetness
is the essence of beauty.
[ Both laughing ]
Why'd you have to come back
to this damn town ?
I wanted to make
a new life for myself.
I'm sorry I was born with this
perfect bone structure.
That my hair looks better
done up with gel and mousse...
Than hidden under a stupid hat
with a light on it !
All I ever wanted to do
was make you proud of me, pop.
With what ?
Your male modeling ?
Prancing around
in your underwear....
With your wiener hanging out
for everyone to see ?
[ Sighs ]
you're dead to me, boy.
You're more dead to me
than your dead mother.
I just thank the lord
she didn't live to see
her son as a mermaid.
Mer-man.
[ Weak coughing ]
Merman !
[ Coughing continues ]
Who am I ?
[ Cell phone ringing ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Maury on phone ]
hello ? Derek,
you hearing me ?
God ?
God ? What the sh*t
are you talking about ?
It's me. Maury.
I hope you're finished
touching your roots...
Because mugatu's making you
an offer you won't believe.
You gotta get
your "tookus" back here.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I was a little hesitant
at first, mr. Mugatu.
I mean, you've never hired me
before, and I've been around--
For ages and ages. You've been
around for a long, long time.
I never wanted anything
from you. Now you're retired,
I can't have you.
And it's funny
how it switches like that.
But now the forbidden fruit
must be tasted.
Well, when maury told me
what you were willing to do, i--
- Ahhh !
- [ Screams ]
- [ Squealing ]
- todd !
Are you not aware
that I get farty and bloated
with a foamy latte ?
My mistake, jacobim.
Your mistake indeed !
[ Dog whimpers ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ quiet grumbling ]
- Oh !
- [ Whimpering ]
[ Growls ]
yes, derek.
What maury said
I was willing to do for you.
Let's get back to the reason
that we're really here.
Without much further ado,
I give you...
The derek zoolander center
for kids who can't read good.
What is this ?
A center for ants ?
What ?
How can we be expected
to teach children to learn
how to read...
If they can't even fit
inside the building ?
Derek, it's just a small--
I don't want to hear
your excuses !
The center has to be at least...
Three times bigger than this.
He's absolutely right.
Thank you.
I have a vision.
And so do i.
Let me show you mine.
I can't help you, lady.
I don't know nothing
about mugatu.
But you've represented
every male model in each
of his campaigns.
You must have some kind
of a relationship with him.
Even if I did,
why would I talk to you ?
Shame on you, how you
picked on derek zoolander
in that story.
He never hurt a fly.
Please don't change
the subject, mr. Ballstein.
What about mugatu's
exploitation of sweatshop
workers in malaysia ?
Do you have an opinion
on that ?
Want to hear an opinion ?
With a push-up bra,
you could actually have a nice
rack of lamb going on up there.
Let me show you
the future of fashion.
Let me show you...
Derelicte !
It is a fashion, a way of life
inspired by the very homeless,
The vagrants,
the crack wh*res...
That make this wonderful city
so unique.
And I want you, derek,
to be the face, the image--
Nay, the spirit of derelicte !
- It will be your
glorious comeback.
- Sounds cool.
Derek, I'd like you to meet
katinka ingabogovinana.
She'll be your day-to-day
on the campaign.
Let's get this model
on his way !
The big show
is in eight days, derek.
Like a caterpillar
becomes a butterfly,
So must you become...
Derelicte !
[ Derek ]
so you want me to sleep
in the gutter ?
[ Mugatu ]
no. We're sending you
to a very exclusive day spa.
So exclusive,
no one knows about it.
Our little secret, okay ?
Matilda, hey.
Hey, arch, what's up ?
Nothing. I've just been up
for a few days putting together
these articles on mugatu.
Wow. Very thorough,
archie. Thank you.
It's weird.
I couldn't get any info
on him before 1995.
It's like he just appeared
out of the blue.
- Really ? That's strange.
-[ Phone ringing ]
- Matilda jeffries.
- Keep pulling the sweater.
- Excuse me ?
- Eventually, the whole
thing will unravel.
You mean...
If you pull the thread,
the whole thing will unravel ?
Now you're talking, sister.
If you want to know more,
go to pier 12.
Things aren't what they seem.
[ Dial tone ]
What kind of spa is this ?
It's designed for deep,
deep relaxation.
Come, let's get you
loosened up.
Good boy. Good boy.
Good boy.
Good boy. Good boy.
Good boy.
Oh ! Oh, I'm sor--
Derek ?
Matilda,
what are you doing here ?
I was, um, uh--
What are--
what are you doing here, derek ?
I thought you quit the business.
Haven't you heard ?
I'm the new face of mugatu's
derelicte campaign.
Uh, what do you mean, derek ?
You said mugatu never hires you.
Well, I guess he changed
his mind. It's only the biggest
campaign in the world ever.
What is this ?
Who are you ?
This is private property.
Nils !
Ow ! Aaaah ! Oh !
I suggest you and your
kmart jaclyn smith collection
outfit...
Stay the hell away
from derek zoolander.
How do you feel, derek ?
Um... Okay.
When's the seaweed wrap ?
You shut up now.
I want you to relax...
And breathe deeply.
Breathe deeply.
[ Frankie goes to hollywood ]
♪ relax, don't do it
♪ When you want to go to it
I like this song.
♪ Relax, don't do it
of course you do.
♪ When you want to come
hello, derek.
Hello.
Welcome to your
relaxation time.
Let this wonderful '80s classic
soothe you.
♪ [ Continues, indistinct ]
just a nice, warm, happy time.
Happy, happy, happy.
[ Laughing ]
Nothing to worry about at all.
Just relax.
Hey there, derek.
My name is lil' kleatus.
I'm just a regular kid
who wants you to know the real
truth about child labor laws.
- Okay.
- They're silly and outdated.
In the good old days,
kids as young as five
could work as they pleased...
From textile factories
to iron smelts.
Yippee ! Hooray !
But today, the age-old
right of children to work
is under attack.
From the philippines
to bangladesh,
And china and india
and south america too.
Boo-hoo !
But you can help
these children, derek,
By k*lling the prime
minister of malaysia.
- He is bad !
- What ?
- [ Screams ]
- you'll learn martial arts.
[ Karate yells ]
prime minister of malaysia bad !
Martial arts good !
k*ll naughty man !
k*ll naughty man !
k*ll naughty man !
Obey my dog !
On the runway,
you have one objective.
Do not be distracted
by the beautiful celebrities.
Do as you've been trained to do
and k*ll the malaysian
prime minister !
Karate chop ! Bad, bad !
Awful man !
In your little blue suit and
your spiky black hair. k*ll !
You're a super-hot
ninja machine !
[ Yelling ]
[ Yelling ]
Ahh ! Ohh !
[ Groaning ]
[ knocking at door ]
[ Matilda ]
derek, are you in there ?
Hold your horses !
Derek,
please open the door !
What a cuckoo dream.
Derek !
[ Sighs ]
What ?
Hey, are you okay ?
I've been trying
to reach you for a week.
A week ?
What, are you
having a whack attack ?
I saw you this afternoon.
That was last friday.
Uh, earth to matilda.
I was at a day spa.
Day. D-a-i-y-e. Okay ?
[ Groans ]
look, I think I know
what this is about,
And I'm very complimented
but not interested.
What ?
I can't sleep with you, okay ?
My head is k*lling me and--
What are you talking about ?
Okay, look, if you just want
to fool around a little bit or--
Hey ! I don't
want to sleep with you !
I've been trying to tell you
you've been missing for
a week. Look at the date.
Mugatu's derelicte show
is tomorrow night.
I don't care
what the date says.
[ Answering machine ]
you have 1,200 messages.
[ Machine beeps ]
that is a bit above average.
Derek, what happened
in that spa ?
I don't know.
A little massage,
some aromatherapy.
I mean, look, lady,
you can't just come barging
into people's lofts...
Wanting sex,
then changing your mind,
Then telling them that
they've been at a day spa
for a week--
You ha been in a day spa
for a week.
So what ?
Do you understand that
the world does not revolve
around you...
And your
"do whatever it takes, ruin
as many people's lives"...
So long as you can make a name
for yourself as an investigatory
journalist...
No matter how many friends you
lose or people you leave dead
and bloodied along the way...
Just so long as you
can make a name for yourself
as an investigatory journalist,
No matter how many friends you
lose or people you leave dead
and bloodied along the way ?
Derek, I told you I was
sorry about that article.
Enough ! My head hurts !
And if it indeed is
what day you claim it is, I have
a pre-runway party to attend.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
By the way--
what ?
With your complexion, you really
shouldn't be wearing your hair
pulled back that tight.
What are you talking about ?
It pulls back the skin
on your forehead,
Creating a tension
which clogs the pores.
That's why you have
some light pattern dryness
around your scalp.
Do you mind ?
Cool.
[ Door slams ]
I do not like snoopy reporter
with lack of fashion sense.
Not one little bit.
Hey, I just e-mailed you
all those searches...
On the male models who've
appeared in mugatu campaigns.
It's pretty weird. It seems
all of mr. Mugatu's models...
Have a bad habit of dying young
in freak accidents.
[ Matilda ]
what ?
Wait a second.
What ?
Oh, sh*t.
I gotta go.
Wh-what's going on ?
[ Chattering ]
I don't want to hang out, okay ?
I just need to speak
with derek zoolander, please !
I just thought that the way
you handled losing that award
to hansel,
And then you
sort of laid low for a while
and then made your comeback--
It was so courageous.
Look, I gotta go pee,
But I'd really like to continue
talking about this conversation
when I come back.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Man ]
everything cool, derek ?
It's great, biff.
Thank you.
- ♪ [ Man singing, indistinct ]
- hey, derek, you rule.
Thanks, paris.
I appreciate that.
- Hey, derek.
- Hey, maurice.
Hey, my man.
What's happening ?
Derek, back on top, man.
Thanks, billy.
You rock.
No, y rock.
When are you gonna drop
magnum on us, buddy ?
Not yet.
Gotta tame the beast before
you let it out of its cage.
[ Grunts ]
excuse me, bra.
You're excused.
And I'm not your bra.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Whatever, dude. Whatever.
Peace. God bless.
Hey, hansel, I'm really sorry
you didn't get mugatu's
derelicte campaign.
- Maybe next time.
- What's that ?
Mugatu's derelicte campaign.
Sorry you didn't book it.
Oh, yeah ?
I've never even heard of it.
Me and my friends
have been too busy bathing
off the coast of st. Barts.
Tripping on acid changed
our whole perspective on sh*t.
So I guess, uh--
I guess you can "dere-lick"
my ba*ls, capitan.
- [ Crowd murmuring ]
- would you hold this ?
I can "dere-lick" my own ba*ls,
thank you very much.
Ohh !
You think you're
too cool for school.
But I got a news flash for you,
walter cronkite.
You aren't.
Who are you trying
to get crazy with, ese ?
Don't you know I'm loco ?
Hey, I got a wacky idea.
What say we settle this
on the runway...
Han-solo ?
Whoo. Whoo.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
Stop it.
Are you challenging me
to a walk-off ?
Boo-lander.
Don't do this, derek.
Listen to your friend
billy zane.
He's a cool dude. He's
trying to help you out.
Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off
challenge, my friend.
Ten minutes.
Old members only warehouse.
You oughta remember that.
You're a dinosaur.
Let's go. Open up.
[ Chattering ]
I heard some mad stories
about this kid, man. He's
limber. He's too limber.
Put a cork in it, zane.
It's a walk-off.
It's a walk-off.
This is urgent, ma'am.
Do you have any--
[ Chattering continues ]
derek ? Derek ! Derek !
Hey, matilda.
What is this ?
Where's everyone going ?
Good luck, derek !
Kick hansel's a*s !
Thanks, rico. I'll try.
You want to see the real world
of male modeling ?
The one they don't show you
in magazines or the e channel ?
Yeah, I guess.
Derek, please.
I have something really
important to talk to you about.
Not now, matilda.
Han-sell-out is
about to have his han-sell-a*s
handed to him on a platter...
With french-fried potatoes.
Katinka, thought
you might want to know...
Your boy zoolander's rolling.
It's a walk-off.
♪ [ Indistinct rap ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Chattering ]
All right, who's
gonna call this sucker ?
If nobody has any objections,
I believe I might be of service.
♪ Let's dance
[ Crowd gasps ]
Now, this'll be a straight
walk-off, old school rules.
First model walks,
second model duplicates,
then elaborates.
Okay, boys,
let's go to work.
Age before beauty,
goat cheese.
Whatever.
- [ Crowd murmuring ]
- right.
[ Rhythmic applause ]
♪
[ Cheering ]
[ Michael jackson ]
♪ they told him don't you
ever come around here ♪
♪ Don't wanna see your face
you better disappear ♪
♪ The fire's in their eyes and
their words are really clear ♪
♪ So beat it, just beat it
playskool, baby.
♪ You better run
you better do what you can ♪
♪ Don't wanna see no blood
don't be a macho man ♪
♪ You wanna be tough
better do what you can ♪
♪ So beat it
but you wanna be bad ♪
♪ Just beat it, beat it
♪ beat it, beat it
♪ No one wants to be defeated
♪ Showin' how funky
and strong is your fight ♪
♪ It doesn't matter
who's wrong or right ♪
♪ Just beat it
[ continues ]
You gotta cut me. I can't see.
I'm blind out there.
Evian. Evian.
[ Screaming ]
it's okay. It's okay.
♪ It doesn't matter
who's wrong or right ♪
- ♪ Just beat it, beat it
- [ shuddering ]
♪ Beat it, beat it
Where am I ?
Where am I ?
It's okay.
- Kickin', hoss.
- I'm going monk.
I gotta go monk.
Prayer. Prayer.
Pray to the great spirit.
Whoo. Whoo.
Whoo ! Whoo ! Whoo !
Whoo !
Do it, hansel.
Do it, hansel.
Do it, hansel.
Do it, hansel.
[ Grunting ]
Why is he sticking
his hand in his pants ?
Wow.
[ Grunting continues ]
Do it, hansel.
- Ooh ! Ooh !
- Oooh.
[ Audience cheering ]
[ Sighs ]
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yo, derek.
You're not a kid anymore.
You could hurt yourself
out there.
I can do this, tyson.
[ Thinking ]
thank god I wore
underwear today.
He's going for it.
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting ]
Ohhh !
[ Matilda ]
oh, my god.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Ohhhh ! Ohhhh !
Disqualified.
[ Cheering ]
- Derek, come on, come on.
- Come on !
[ Derek ]
what's going on ?
I think katinka
wants to k*ll you.
Good.
I deserve to die
if I can't even beat
han-suck-a*s in a walk-off.
Derek, that's not true.
The guy had to miraculously
pull his underwear out of
his butt just to beat you.
[ Car horn honking ]
And all he had to do
was turn left.
What do you mean ?
I'm not an ambi-turner.
It's a problem I had
since I was a baby.
I can't turn left.
Derek, that's nothing
to be ashamed of.
I'm sure there are
a lot of people out there
who can't turn--
I mean, there have got to be
some people out there...
Just like you
who can't... Turn...
Turn... Left.
- [ Cell phone rings ]
- hello ?
[ Man on phone ]
if you want answers, come
to saint adonis cemetery now.
Wait, wait, wait !
Who are you ?
Who was that ?
I'm not sure. I have to get
to saint adonis cemetery.
Listen, I'm gonna take you
to my apartment, okay ?
You can stay there
until I get back.
Can I come with ?
I don't want
to be alone tonight.
[ Matilda ]
"pedro scialfa."
He died when he was 29.
[ Derek ]
"vin correjo."
"Derriere extraordinaire.
Ninety-two minus sixty-three.
None of them
ever made it past 30.
I did.
[ Gasps ]
- Who are you ?
- It's not important.
Are you a ghost ?
He called, derek.
Let's take a walk.
You think zoolander's
in trouble ?
[ Laughs ]
think again.
What you stumbled upon
goes way deeper than
you could ever fathom.
The fashion industry
has been behind every major
political assassination...
Over the last 200 years.
And behind every hit,
a card-carrying male model.
- Okay, that's impossible.
- Oh, yeah ?
Listen and learn, sweetness.
Abe lincoln wanted to abolish
sl*very, right ?
But who do you think
made the powdered wigs
and colored leg stockings...
Worn by our country's
early leaders ?
Mugatu !
- sl*ves, derek.
- Oh.
And without their free labor,
prices on such items
would have gone up tenfold.
So the powers that be
hired john wilkes booth,
The original model/actor,
to do mr. Lincoln in.
I'll go on.
Dallas, texas, 1963.
Kennedy had just put
a trade embargo on cuba,
Ostensibly halting the shipment
of cuban-manufactured
sansabelt slacks.
Incredibly popular
item at the time.
Lee harvey oswald
was not a male model.
You're g*dd*mn right he wasn't.
But those two lookers...
Who kept kennedy
from the grassy knoll
sure as sh*t were.
Well, what about you ?
How do you fit in to all this ?
- Oh, this nation was swept--
- oh !
I'll get it, ma'am.
[ Sighs, mutters ]
Uh-- get over--
Wait a minute.
No.
I know that hand.
It was in the fall 1973
bulova watch catalog.
You're j.p. Prewitt.
The world's greatest
hand model.
Once upon a time...
But things change.
Thanks to this
homemade hyperbaric chamber,
my sweet baby never did.
[ g*nshots continue ]
come on !
[ Chuckles ]
let's keep moving.
And that's when I found out
I was in line to assassinate
jimmy carter.
-So how'd you manage to escape ?
-Because I'm a hand model, mama.
A finger jockey.
We don't think the same way
as the face and body boys do.
- We're a different breed.
- So why male models ?
Think about it, derek.
Male models are genetically
constructed to become assassins.
They're in peak
physical condition.
[ Man grunts ]
They can gain entry into the
most secure places in the world.
And most important of all,
models don't think
for themselves.
- They do as they're told.
- That is not true.
- Yes it is, derek.
- Okay.
Yeah. Think about any
photo sh**t you've ever been on.
You're a monkey, derek !
You're a monkey !
[ Chittering ]
dance, monkey,
in your little spangly shoes !
Mash your cymbals, chimpy !
Dance, derek, dance !
Good point.
But if this has been going on
for so long, mugatu--
He's just a punk-a*s errand boy
working for an international
syndicate of fashion designers.
You do a little background check
on your mr. Mugatu.
You'll find that
he sold his soul to the devil
for a shot at the big time.
But why male models ?
You serious ? I just--
I just told you that
a moment ago.
Right.
You're a k*lling machine, derek.
They've programmed you.
But I won't do it.
I won't k*ll anybody.
It's not up to you.
At the proper moment,
they'll trigger you.
Usually using
some kind of auditory or visual
pavlovian response mechanism.
- "Audi-what-ey" ?
- And when it's over--
What ?
There's an after party ?
- [ g*nsh*t ]
- derek, get down !
[ Gasping ]
you gotta get to...
Maury ballstein's computer.
He-- he recorded everything
in case they ever turned on him.
[ Screaming ]
derek, derek !
Get a grip ! Get a grip !
Good luck to you, derek.
I've always been a fan
of blue steel.
- Get out of here.
- Hang in there, j.p.
Ow ! You freakin' idiot !
[ b*ll*ts ricocheting ]
Man, that was close.
I can't believe maury's
in on it too.
That she-male katinka's
not messing around.
You're telling me !
For a second there,
I thought someone was gonna
be reading our "eugoogoly."
Okay, all right,
we need a place to hide.
Where's the last place
anyone would ever expect
to look for you ?
I don't know.
Think, okay ?
This is important !
- [ Bus horn honking ]
-[ brakes screeching ]
Ugh ! I hate hansel !
Hansel ! Hansel !
Everywhere I look !
Hansel, hansel, hansel !
[ Clears throat ]
Were you looking
for a rematch ?
Excuse me, hansel.
I don't really think
there's an easy way to put this,
so I am just gonna lay it out.
Derek has been brainwashed...
To k*ll the prime minister
of malaysia.
And ?
And we need a place
to hide until we figure
this whole thing out.
Derek said that this
would probably be the last place
anyone would look for him.
Yeah, you're cool
to hide here.
But first, me and him gotta
straighten some sh*t out.
Fine.
Why you been acting
so messed up towards me ?
Why you been acting
so messed up towards me ?
Well, you go first.
I don't know.
Maybe I felt like a little
threatened or something...
'Cause your career
is kinda just blossoming...
And mine's kinda winding down
or whatever.
And I felt like, "this guy's
really hurting me,"
and it hurt.
And I felt like when you told me
to "dere-lick" my ba*ls,
That really hurt.
Maybe I was scared, man.
You're derek zoolander !
Yeah, you're
derek zoolander.
You know what it's like
to be another model
And be in derek zoolander's
shadow ?
[ Scoffs ]
You want to hear
something crazy ?
Your work...
In the winter '95
international male catalog...
Made me want to be a model.
I freakin' worship you, man.
I'm sorry I was whack.
I was whack.
I was whack.
♪ [ Ambient ]
[ chattering ]
So welcome to chez hansel.
You're welcome to hide out here
as long as you want.
[ Matilda ]
well, there isn't much time.
The show is tomorrow night.
We have to figure out
a plan by then.
[ Hansel ]
let me round up the troops here.
Hey, what's up, y'all ?
This is derek and matilda.
- Derek,
you know natani and chloe.
- [ Together ] hey.
- You got buzzy sullivan--
big wave surfer from mavericks.
- Hey, bra.
Oh, this is this fantastic band,
the little kings, I met when
I was ice sailing in finland.
That's my sherpa lapsang.
Okay, so, hey, everybody !
Listen up for a second.
Derek and matilda are in hiding
'cause some dudes brainwashed
derek...
To off the prime minister
of micronesia.
Malaysia.
Right.
So, they're gonna be
hiding here for a little while.
Let's show 'em a good time.
- Right on.
- [ Hansel ] all right ?
Come on. Over here.
Oh, hey, ennui,
will you do me a favor ?
Will you get some of that tea
me and lapsang got when we were
free-climbing the mayan ruins ?
Okay. D'accord.
Whew ! This--
this is really strong tea.
Whew !
No, it's just right.
Trust me, what with all
the intrigue you guys
have been dealing with.
You know, matilda,
I'm a little surprised you're
so worried about "der-rock."
From that article I read,
it seems like you don't
really care too much...
About guys in our line of work.
Hmm. Why do you
hate models, matilda ?
- Honestly ?
- Yes.
I think they're vain, stupid...
And incredibly self-centered.
I totally agree with you.
But how do you feel
about male models ?
Oh ! Sweet !
- [ Scoffs ]
- no, no, okay. Okay.
But, seriously, matil--
Is it all right
if I call you matil ?
What's the deal, yo-yo ?
You're not telling us
the whole story. There's
something else, isn't there ?
You guys really want
to know the truth ?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, then I'm gonna tell you
the truth.
When I was in seventh grade,
I was the fat kid in my class.
Ew !
- [ Chuckles ]
- all right, forget it.
No, no, no.
D-d-dude, be cool tonight.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Please, go ahead. My mistake.
I was the one
that all the pretty girls
used to make fun of.
It was--
i-i-it was an awkward phase.
[ Sighs ]
anyway,
Every day after school,
I would come home and,
You know, I'd flip through
the pages of my mom's vogue
and glamour.
And...
[ Sighs ]
I'd just--
I'd look at these women--
These... Perfect, beautiful,
Just unbelievable, skinny women.
I just couldn't--
Oh, I couldn't understand
why I didn't look like them.
I-- I just didn't get it.
So, um--
So I be--
I became--
What ?
Bulimic.
[ Whispering ]
you can read minds ?
It's when you throw up
after every meal.
[ Scoffs ]
see, this is exactly
what you models do to people.
- You make them feel bad
about themselves.
- [ Both laughing ]
Matilda. Matilda--
So what ?
I throw up after lots of meals.
So do i. It's a great way
to lose pounds before a show.
Are you guys insane ?
Do you understand ?
It's a disease.
Wow ! How'd that
affect you with guys ?
Did they not want to get busy ?
- Good point.
- Oh. Okay. You know what ?
I'm not gonna sit here
with both of you and discuss
my sex life or--
[ Sighs ]
or lack thereof.
Ooh !
Oh.
Ooh, you mean, like,
like you, like you--
Haven't really... Done it--
you haven't done it--
Done it in a while, yeah.
Okay, what's a while ?
Like, eight days ?
More ?
[ Sighs ]
oh, try a couple years.
Oh !
Oh, snap !
How do you live ?
How do you live ?
Seriously. Do you, like,
service yourself ten times
a day ?
- End of discussion !
- Easy. Okay, hold on.
- What ?
- Easy, easy.
- I'm not comfortable talking--
this is--
Easy. This has been
an emotional day for all of us.
I think we should get naked.
What ?
Don't ask questions.
Just give in to the power
of the tea.
♪ [ Woman vocalizing ]
♪ Ah
♪ Love to love you, baby
♪ Ah
♪ Love to love you, baby
♪ Ah
♪ Love to love you, baby
♪ Do it to me again and again
♪ You put me in such
an awful spin, in a spin ♪
♪ Yeah, oh
♪ Ah, love to love you, baby
[ howling ]
♪ Ah, love to love you, baby
[ grunting ]
♪ Ah
So I'm rappeling down
mount vesuvius...
When suddenly I slip...
And I start to fall.
I mean, I'm about to die.
Hot bread, zeke.
Just falling-- ahhh, ahhh !
I'll never forget the terror.
When suddenly I remember,
"holy sh*t. Hansel,
"Haven't you been smoking peyote
for six straight days ?
And couldn't some of this,
maybe, be in your mind ?"
- And ?
- It was.
I was totally fine.
I've never even been
to mount vesuvius.
Cool story, hansel.
Thanks, olaf.
Dude, how dope was last night ?
I mean, the soil room.
Dirt was flying.
You couldn't see anything.
It was, like, whoa, who's that ?
Who's this ?
I think I'm falling
for matilda, hansel.
Dude... I wasn't gonna
say anything,
But it was, like, crazy energy
flying back and forth
between you guys.
It was, like, whoa, look out !
There was a moment last night,
When she was sandwiched
between the two finnish dwarves
and the maori tribesman--
Oh, yeah.
Where I thought,
"Wow, I could really spend
the rest of my life
with this woman."
- Really ?
- What do you call that ?
I think you call that love,
d-bone.
Hey.
- Hey.
- So what time is it ?
- Almost 5:00.
- What ?
Hey, guys,
that show is in three hours.
Derek is dead
unless we get that evidence.
Do you guys--
Whoa, whoa, easy.
How about a "good afternoon,
derek and hansel.
Thanks for the freak fest
last night" ?
[ Cell phone ringing ]
Hello ?
Hello ?
Oh, hi, katinka.
Uh, no, I just had
a really late party night
last night.
- Derek, hang up the phone now !
-[ Derek ] where am I ?
Look, I have to go !
I'll see you at 7:00 ! Bye.
Hang up !
Derek, I thought I told you
to turn off your phone.
Turn off my phone ?
- Ooh.
- Turn off my phone ?
- Yeah.
- Earth to matilda.
This phone is as much
a part of me as--
You know what ?
Can we just cut it out with
all the "earth to's," please ?
We're not actually saying
this is the earth calling you,
matilda.
Yeah. No, I got that.
I understand you don't
literally mean--
- Uh, no, I don't think you do.
- [ Laughing ]
It's not like we think we're
actually in a control tower...
Trying to reach outer space
aliens or something, okay ?
Hello.
[ Chuckling ]
H-hello.
[ Chuckling continues ]
[ Laughing ]
snap !
A joke.
Okay, instead of doing that,
I'm gonna try to figure out
a way into maury's...
Before derek assassinates
a world leader.
Wait a minute.
I might just have an idea.
They'll be looking for us
at maury's, right ?
But they won't be looking for...
Not us.
Derek,
what are you talking about ?
Hansel, do you have
a cosmetics case ?
Sure, I mean,
just for touch-ups or whatever.
What are you gonna do
with that ?
That'll do.
Early in my career,
I used to do my own makeup
styling and tailoring.
If I can create
a basic disguise for us,
We may just be able to sneak
into maury's, undetected.
You is talkin' loco,
and I like it.
You is talkin' loco,
and I like it.
♪ [ Dance ]
[ Indistinct chattering ]
[ Woman over p.a. ]
Welcome to derelicte.
Welcome to derelicte.
Welcome to derelicte.
Hansel calling matil.
Hansel calling matil.
We have entry.
Repeat, we have entry.
Okay, guys. I hear you.
Now, once you get the info,
I want you to e-mail it
to my office.
I'll download the files,
we'll rendezvous and take
the information to the police.
We hear you loud and clear.
Listen, matil.
I've been thinking a lot
about that bulimia thing.
And I want you to know
I understand where
you're coming from.
I feel really bad that
good-looking people like us...
Made you throw up
and feel bad about yourself.
For serious.
- Thanks, derek. Now, hurry up.
- Okay.
I finally got the results
on the name check you asked for
on jacobim mugatu.
-Or should I say jacob moogberg.
-What ?
He changed his name when he
went into the fashion business.
Apparently,
the guy was the original
guitar synth player...
For that band
frankie goes to hollywood,
but he got kicked out...
Before they hit it big
with that song "relax."
After the frankie folks
gave him the heave-h*, he held
a series of odd jobs until--
Get this-- he invented
the piano key necktie in 1985.
The guy's been
a fashion designer ever since.
[ Sighs ]
first obstacle.
You ever use
one of these ?
I don't think so.
Watch out. Watch--
fix that hem, jason.
Please. I need-- katinka !
He's not here yet, jacobim.
- That little toad-face
better show up.
- He will show.
Good, because I'm a hot,
little potato right now.
There must be an "on" button
somewhere.
Did you press the apple thing ?
[ Both grunt ]
[ Grunts ]
[ grunts ]
♪ [ Theme from
"2001: a space odyssey" ]
[ grunting continues ]
♪ [ Theme from
"2001: a space odyssey" ]
[ grunting continues ]
[ Yelling ]
wait ! Hansel !
Let's not lose our cool.
Then we're no better
than the machine.
It's almost 7:00.
I gotta go.
No ! Derek. Der, wait.
If you go, they'll make you
k*ll that eurasian dude.
I don't care, hansel.
I've never been late for a show
in my life.
And I don't plan
on starting now.
Damn it, you're right.
Do me a favor. If anything
happens to me, I want you
to give this to matilda.
- Oh, no.
- Please, hansel.
Take it. Please.
- Ah, man.
- Take it.
Let's just say I'll hold on
to it till you get back.
Go ! Go !
We're live at the derelicte
show, where controversial
designer jacobim mugatu...
Has extended the olive branch
to the malaysian
prime minister hassan,
Making him the guest of honor
at tonight's show.
And starring in that show,
veteran supermodel
derek zoolander.
[ Matilda on radio ]
guys, what's happening ?
Did you find the files ?
Matilda, we've got problems.
Derek's already left
for the show.
No. No, he can't.
We don't even know
what the trigger is.
He just went
running out of here.
I couldn't stop him.
- I'll call him on his phone.
- He doesn't have it.
- What ?
- Yeah, he doesn't have it.
What are you talking about ?
He always has it.
- No, he gave it to me.
- Did you find the files ?
I don't even know what they--
what do they look like ?
- They're in the computer.
- They're in the computer ?
Yeah, they're definitely
in there. I just don't know
how he labeled them.
I got it.
You gotta figure it out.
We're running out of time.
You've gotta find them
and meet me at the show.
Roger.
[ Whispering ]
in the computer.
It's so simple.
Hey, I just cut up
a couple of cantaloupe halves...
With some cottage cheese,
if you're hungry.
Not the right time. I need
to figure out this trigger...
Before derek kills
the malaysian prime minister.
You just seem a little tense.
I was trying to help you relax.
Relax ?
The last thing I need to do
right now is rela--
That's it.
[ Todd ]
let's go, people !
Let's go !
Vagrants and wh*res,
you're wanted in makeup !
Runaways and street hustlers,
you're next !
- You had us worried, derek.
- Everything's cool.
I'm really super psyched
for the show.
Good.
Just remember... Relax.
[ Todd ]
two minutes, derek.
[ Maury ]
ah, there he is.
I just want to wish you, uh,
good luck.
Don't you mean "good-bye" ?
What are you talking--
I know it was you, maury.
I know it was you,
and it breaks my heart.
Derek, I don't know
what you're talking--
Derek, I'm--
I'm sorry.
♪ [ Dance ]
[ Gasps ]
glad you could join us, kmart.
Lucky for you,
there is no dress code.
[ Mugatu's voice, recorded ]
I am vile spew...
Of the wretched masses.
I am really, really dirty.
I am... Derelicte !
♪ [ Dance ]
♪ [ indistinct rapping ]
♪ [ Dance ]
♪ [ indistinct rapping ]
You make me sick to my stomach,
jaco.
It'll all be over soon.
Derek zoolander will be dead,
and you'll be fine.
- You always are.
- Come on, derek. You're on.
[ Applause, cheering ]
Break a leg, derek.
♪ [ Dance continues ]
- [ Cheering ]
- [ gasps ]
Derek !
- It's "relax" !
- [ Mutters ]
I'm fine.
I've done this a thousand times.
The trigger ! It's "re"--
[ Grunts, gasps ]
♪ [ "Relax" by
frankie goes to hollywood ]
[ Mugatu's voice ]
concentrate, derelicte.
Do not be distracted
by the beautiful celebrities.
Celebrities.
♪ Well
♪ Relax, don't do it
Do what you've been trained
to do, and k*ll the malaysian
prime minister !
[ Yelling, grunting ]
♪ relax, don't do it
♪ [ Continues, indistinct ]
- [ Yelling, grunting continue ]
- [ chuckling ]
Just do it already !
Derek !
- [ Grunts ]
- [ "relax" stops ]
- ♪ [ Electronica ]
- d-bone, I got your back !
- What ?
- [ Applause ]
It's that damn hansel !
He's so hot right now !
[ Grunting ]
popping and locking, fool !
[ Both grunting ]
They're break-dance fighting.
- [ Grunts ]
- ♪ [ "relax" plays ]
♪ Don't do it
when you wanna go to it
relax, don't do it ♪
- Ha !
- ♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna go to-- ♪
- ♪ [ Electronica ]
- oh !
[ Grunts ]
[ Grunting, yelling ]
[ Grunting continues ]
- ♪ [ "Relax" ]
- [ yells ]
[ Yelling continues ]
♪ Relax when you wanna go to it
relax, don't do it ♪
♪ When you wanna come
- ♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna come ♪
- oh !
- [ Yelling continues ]
- oh ! Oh !
- [ Music stops ]
- [ gasps ]
-[ Confused chattering ]
-derek zoolander tried to k*ll
the prime minister of malaysia.
- [ Grunting continues ]
- that's bullshit !
- Listen up, everyone.
Mugatu's a d*ck !
- [ Gasps ]
He tried to brainwash derek
to k*ll the claymation dude.
That's a lie !
Zoolander snapped
because he's over the hill !
He knew his career was over,
and he couldn't face it.
No way, compadre.
We got 30 years of files
right here in this computer !
They're gonna bring you down !
- Oh, no.
- Ah, down !
[ Gasping ]
Where did all the files go ?
Ha ! I'm taking you out !
- Yo, taste my pain, b*tch !
- Huh ?
[ Grunting ]
- Yes !
- [ Grunting continues ]
Deal with that !
You don't have the guts, kmart !
Wanna bet ? And by the way,
you were wrong about my outfit.
It's the cheryl ladd collection,
and I got it at j.c. Penney.
- Ugh !
- On sale.
[ Grunts, moans ]
Jig's up, mugatu.
Everything they're saying
is true.
I've been in on it for 30 years.
What are you doing, ballstein ?
I'm done, jaco.
I got a prostate
the size of a honeydew...
And a head full of bad memories.
It's time
to set things straight.
You have no evidence.
Han-stupid destroyed everything.
I got two words for you, sugar:
zip disk.
The whole thing is in my den
in long island.
I can have that evidence here
in 20 minutes.
- That a boy, maury.
- Hold on a sec.
I'm afraid of the radiation.
Sheila, honey, it's me.
Listen. I need you to bring
that zip disk in the den
down to the fashion show.
- I don't care
what the traffic is like.
- [ Groaning ]
Take the g*dd*mn service road
and get off before the bridge.
So put it in one of those
tupperware containers,
And I'll heat it up in
the microwave when I get home.
For christ's sake,
it's a casserole, sheila !
It'll stay !
Shut up !
Enough already, ballstein !
Who cares about
derek zoolander anyway ?
The man has only one look,
for christ's sake !
Blue steel, ferrari, le tigre ?
- They're the same face !
- [ Crowd gasping ]
Doesn't anyone notice this ?
I feel like I'm taking
crazy pills !
I invented
the piano key necktie !
- I invented it !
- [ Dog whimpers ]
What have you done, derek ?
Nothing !
You've done nothing !
Nothing !
And I will be a monkey's uncle
if I have you ruin this for me !
Because if you can't
get the job done, then I will !
Die, you wage-hiking scum !
Oh !
One look ?
One look ?
I don't think so !
- [ Grunts ]
- [ gasping ]
Oh !
- There it is !
- Magnum !
Holy moly.
Yeah, baby !
That's what I've been
waiting for !
Dear god.
It's beautiful.
Wow !
[ Cheering ]
Yeah ! Yeah !
- [ Camera shutters clicking ]
- [ grunting ]
That's my kid.
That's my son.
[ Cheering, applause continue ]
whoa ! Yeah !
Yeah. Derek !
I love that kid.
Dumb as a stump, but I love him.
Oh, derek, you did it !
That was amazing !
I know. I turned left !
Oh, yeah, that too.
But, derek, you saved
the prime minister of malaysia !
Oh, right. Cool.
Thank you, derek zoolander,
for saving my life.
[ Speaking malaysian ]
[ Speaking malaysian ]
Hi, I'm former male supermodel
derek zoolander.
And here, at the derek zoolander
center for kids
who can't read good...
And who wanna learn
to do other stuff good too,
We teach students of all ages...
Everything they need
to know to learn to be
a professional model...
And a professional human being.
Our diverse faculty includes
business management teacher...
And former model agent
maury ballstein.
The designer's got your nuts
in a vise...
Offering you ten million
plus three percent of every pair
of underwear sold.
What are you gonna do ?
[ Together ]
screw him ! Hold out for more !
That's what I'm talking about !
So join now, because
at the derek zoolander center...
For kids who can't read good
and wanna learn to do
other stuff good too,
We teach you that there's more
to life than just being really,
really, really good-looking.
Right, kids ?
[ Together ]
right !
[ Man ]
and cut !
[ Kids giggling ]
Looks great, derek.
I think we got it.
All right, mitch. Thanks.
All right, everybody !
That's a wrap !
Hey, hansel.
I'm gonna take these kids to the
george washington bridge, give
'em a lesson in base jumping.
- I'll catch you in the
teacher's lounge later on ?
- All right.
All right, guys.
Last one to the helicopter's
a rotten egg. Let's go !
[ Kids cheering ]
hey, matilda.
There's daddy ! Hi.
Hey.
- How's derek, jr. ?
- He's great. Guess what.
- He made his first look today.
- Really ?
You wanna show daddy your look,
derek, jr. ?
- [ Gasps ]
oh.
- ♪ Jitterbug
- Wow.
- ♪ Jitterbug
You guys wanna hang out
for story hour ?
Great. Yeah. Let's go.
Hey, kids, who wants to hear
a story ?
[ Kids ] yeah !
- ♪ A jitterbug into my brain
- ♪ yeah, yeah
♪ It goes a-bang, bang, bang
till my feet do the same ♪
♪ But something's bugging you
somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ My best friend told me
what you did last night ♪
♪ You left me sleepin'
in my bed ♪
♪ I was dreamin' but I should
have been with you instead ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
♪ When you wanna go to it
♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
♪ When you wanna go to it
♪ Relax, don't do it
♪ When you wanna come
♪ Uh, yeah, now, come on
♪ Heads are clockin'
and there ain't no stoppin' ♪
♪ I tell you now, kid
we don't play ♪
♪ I'm up all night
sleep all day ♪
♪ So ease back, kid
you're playin' me close ♪
♪ [ Indistinct ]
♪ So let me know if you wanna
step to it ♪
♪ And I'll be rappin'
when you're ready to do it ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna go to it ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
when you wanna go to it ♪
♪ Relax, don't do it
♪ When you wanna come
♪ Relax, relax
♪ Back and forth and forth
in direction ♪
♪ Dying young's your intention
♪ You gotta keep those dreams
♪ You gotta scheme
those schemes ♪
♪ You gotta hit me, hit me
♪ hit me, hit me
♪ Hit me with those
laser beams ♪
♪ When you wanna come
♪ When you wanna come
♪ When you wanna come
♪ When you wanna come
♪ When you wanna come
♪ The road is long
♪ With many a winding
♪ Turn
♪ That leads us to who knows
♪ Who knows where
♪ Who knows when
♪ But I'm strong
♪ Strong enough
♪ To carry on
♪ He ain't heavy
♪ He's my brother
♪ So when we go
♪ His welfare is my concern
♪ No burden is he
♪ To bear
♪ We'll get there
♪ For I know
♪ He would not encumber me
♪ He ain't heavy
♪ He's my brother
♪ If I'm laden
♪ At all, at all
♪ I'm laden
♪ With sadness, with sadness
♪ That everyone's heart
♪ Isn't filled
♪ With gladness
♪ And of love
♪ For one another
♪ It's a long, long road
♪ From which there is no
♪ Return
♪ While we're on our way
♪ To there, why not share
♪ And the load
♪ Does not weigh me down
♪ At all
♪ He ain't heavy
♪ He's my brother
♪ He's my brother
♪ He's my brother
♪ He ain't, he ain't heavy
♪ He's my brother
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