[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run
[LAUGHS]
[TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
The life of a pet detective
isn't all hot babes and monkey adventures.
No, it's a world of empty pizza boxes, cold Chinese food,
and polyester dry-cleaning bills.
But when the day is done,
I can sleep nights knowing that another pet is safe,
another owner is happy, and another check is in the bank.
[SPIKE LAUGHS]
Children, let's give Mr. Ventura a big thank you for speaking at Career Day.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
No pushing.
There's enough of me for everyone.
-Can I be... about Spike? -Me first.
Can I pet you?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
[GIRL SOBBING]
What's the prob, kiddo? Spike run out of fleas.
My puppy is missing and I don't know where he is.
Can you find my puppy? Can you?
Kid, I could find IQ at a bowling alley.
My name's Genie and I'll pay you all my lunch money if you help me.
Thanks, but I could never deprive you of life's greatest pleasure.
School lunch.
[GRUNTS]
On second thought...
GENIE: My dad works for the government, Mr. Ventura.
This is his lab but he's not here right now.
And where exactly is father knows best?
He's in Washington, telling them all about the theft.
A quick visit to the dog pound would have made more sense.
What do you want?
Oh, world peace, three-day weekends,
and the great taste of butter in every bite. [LAUGHS]
Agent Numb Scully, this is Ace Ventura.
He's here to find my missing puppy.
That kid's puppy isn't real. It's a computer program.
A virtual pet. I don't do computers.
But Mr. Ventura, that puppy is my pet and a pet is a pet.
It's nay on the waterworks, kid.
You're rusting my heart.
Where was the last place you saw the supposed virtual puppy?
I had my puppy stored in my dad's computer.
And that's important because...
Because the computer was stolen.
Hold on a second, Jelly Bean Head.
Why would somebody steal your dad's computer?
Because his computer was a top-secret project.
So the government sent Numb Scully to find their secret project,
but you had to call in the big g*ns
'cause the loser who stole the computer also swiped your puppy.
That was their first mistake.
Their second was leaving so many clues.
Stand back, Dumb Scully,
and prepare to be amazerenoed.
[SNIFFS]
Familiar bouquet.
[SNIFFS] Pungent, and it's not Spike's toe jam.
I've already combed the area.
There's not a single clue here.
Oh, really?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
My bugger-crusted nasal passages
have detected minor traces of rubber consistent
with the sole on a cheaply made size 's men's shoe,
much like your own clown-sized footsies
and the unique soil mixed with the rubber points,
so the thief's hideout like a fat man to pudding but...
[INHALES DEEPLY]
And this is the kicker.
When mixed with milk, it makes a light, yet, tasty snack.
Mm-mm.
Are you saying that by tasting dirt,
you know where the thief took the computer?
I not only know where the thief took the computer,
I can tell you what he had for breakfast.
Don't worry, Genie, Spike and I will find your puppy.
And we'll do lunch sometime.
No. Love you, babe.
Keep being you because no one else will. [LAUGHS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Like a glove!
Well, my computer chimp, after rolling the clues around in my hamster wheel brain,
I've deduced that the soil from Genie's house
can only be found along this strip of coastal warehouses.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
We won't have to search them all my didactic Darwinite. Observe.
Perfect.
A virtual dog whistle. [LAUGHS]
[VIRTUAL DOG BARKS]
I can name that tune and tune ups.
Let's go, Spike.
Aha! Check it out, my megabyte man drill.
[BARKS]
[BOTH GASP]
We found the puppy. We found the puppy.
We found the puppy.
[LAUGHS]
[SCREECHES]
Oh. That can't be good.
Hello, hello.
Is there a doctor in the mouse?
Access the mainframe. Log on the internet.
Flip my floppy!
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
I knew I should have paid more attention to nerd class.
How am I going to tell Genie that I mega bit the big one?
[GASPS]
Got a tingle in my tummy.
Maybe I should have skipped that last burrito.
[SCREAMING]
Ah, that's better.
[SCREAMING]
Ooh.
-[BEEPS] -[SPIKE CHATTERING]
The fun's over, you smelly little beast.
Ventura isn't the genius he claims to be.
Otherwise, he would have realized that I stole the computer
and I just used Genie's puppy to trap him in cyberspace.
[LAUGHS]
Forever.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
[CHUCKLES] This computer will make me a rich man.
What?
Why'd the computer shut down?
ACE: Calling all cars.
Calling all cars.
Check all hard drives for a virus, Ventura.
Ventura.
Captain's log. Entering cyber space.
Top secret scanner has left my spine back on the ship.
I am going in myself to delete you.
Spike, can you hear me?
You've gotta lead me to that erase puppy
before Numb Scully can find me.
Just give me a sign that you're out there.
[LAUGHING]
Hostella Christmas bonus, baby.
Here, puppy, puppy.
If he wants a puppy, I'll give him one.
[DOG BARKS DISTANTLY]
Hmm, hardly cloudy with a slight chance of drool.
[ROARING]
[ACE SCREAMS]
Call the police. Call the marines. Call my mommy.
Help me, Obi Spike Kenobi. You're my only hope. I need a set of wheels pronto.
Hasta la Easter bonus, baby.
[SCREAMS]
Uh-oh. Plot complication.
You know not brushing can lead to ugly plaque buildup.
All that running must have made him dog tired.
[LAUGHS]
How about whipping me up a ride,
so I can travel and style my micro chimp?
Groovy.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, stop clowning around you goofy gorilla.
Yee-haw!
Okay, Spike, show me where I can find the erased files?
That's where Genie's puppy will be.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Don't give me no monkey lip. That puppy needs our help.
[GRUNTS] Ah!
Never send a monkey to do a nerd's job.
Whoa!
[GASPS]
I'll bet my William Shatner hairpiece collection.
This hard drive prison is home to deleted computer files.
Baby, I am the gene ingenious.
Hmm.
Look, build gates.
One, two, three, four, everybody thumb w*r.
[SCREAMS]
Five, six, seven, eight, call me a doctor.
There's a pet in there who needs my help,
and there's only one way to get past that cyber gruesome twosome.
Delete me, my hairy hard driver.
Erase me like a bad memory.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Mm.
[INAUDIBLE] hide.
Do you have anything in a long?
This one's a bit snug.
[SCREAMS]
Zoom!
I hope I get a table by the window.
Computer chips, ahoy.
Has anyone seen a puppy around here?
Hey!
I can't hear you.
Hey.
Here, little puppy.
Don't make Ace lose his dis-temper.
Okay, Spike, which way?
[LAUGHING]
Very funny.
[SCREAMING]
One carnivora virtualis K in memory, teeth,
and cross platform compatible.
I am so virtually glad to see you.
Tell me that was your little puppy tummy grumbling for a digital milk dog.
[SCREAMING]
Cyber stampede!
Oh, no!
This is one virus that isn't getting trashed.
Um...
Digital dandruff. Gross! Well, do we like?
Of course, if you're busy, we can always reschedule.
[SCREAMING]
Excuse me, coming through. Only got one item.
I have one special word that gets me through these difficult times.
Spike!
Ah! [LAUGHS]
[BURPS] Ooh.
[SCREAMS]
Whoa.
I know this great Italian restaurant on the West Side.
If you leave now, I'm sure they can pitch in.
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
[BEEPING]
[SPIKE LAUGHS]
[BEEPING]
Here's bachelorette number one.
She has strong career goals, likes romantic movies,
and loves to rescue pet detectives.
All righty, then!
My, fractal fido, let's run.
Yee-haw!
Huh?
Give up, Ventura.
You didn't say the magic word.
I'm gonna crash your system, you pain in the...
There's nothing magic about that word.
[GASPS] The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign
in anticipation of major turbulence.
[SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
Ace Ventura, party of two.
Once I control this computer, cyberspace is all mine. [LAUGHING]
[BARKS]
Get out of here, you muck.
Now say goodbye, Ventura.
Don't you ever use the magic word.
[LAUGHS]
Ta-ta. Bye-bye. Keep in touch.
Captain's log, mission a failure.
Puppy lost in cyber space.
Beam me out, Mr. Spike.
Well done, my little digital Darwin.
Next time, though,
see if you can trim off a few extra pounds.
Ah, you Dump Scully.
Hand over that puppy.
-Hey. -[SPIKE CHATTERING]
No, it's still my turn, you selfish simian.
Mine, mine, mine.
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
Banana breath. Beetle eater.
-[GRUNTS] -[ALARM BEEPS]
[AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING] You have initiated the self-destruct mechanism.
Total annihilation will occur in ten seconds.
Oops. Well, that can't be good.
Numb Scully, I do wish you'd learned to call first.
Playtime's over, Ventura.
I am pulling your plug.
[LAUGHING]
Self-destruct initiated. Goodbye.
No, what have you done?
[RUMBLING]
[ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING]
[SCREAMS]
Don't worry, Numb Scully. I've got you.
I mean it.
Loser.
[SCREAMS]
[expl*si*n]
[CHATTERING]
Like a quintuple digital containment unit.
[LAUGHS]
Let's get that puppy out of his cyber dog house.
Come into the light.
[DOG BARKS]
I have exorcised the demons.
This house is clear.
Thanks, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Don't worry, Genie. I already have my gift.
[GASPS]
I'll get you, Ace Ventura!
If my hairy helper ever quits hogging it...
Hey, it's my turn now.
Come back here!
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]