[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run
[LAUGHS]
[TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Come on. Come on. Keep it back. Keep it back. Come on. Come on. Back.
Pardon me, officer, but what is going on?
The mad chef of Marseille is in there.
He's been stealing animals from the zoo for his dishes.
This mad chef fellow has the restaurant under siege?
There's a showdown between the chef and the guy who tracked him down.
Ace Ventura, pet detective!
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] I will cook the bird's goose,
even if I am the only one who will savor it.
Au contraire! This pet detective was on your every move.
En garde!
MAN :Mon dieu! Sacre bleu!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Yeehaw!
Ride them, cowboy!
I'll make hamburger out of you!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
I think I'll go with the special of the day.
Chef surprise! Ha!
Surprise, Chef! You've been had by Ace Ventura.
Surprised?
[SPEAKING FRENCH] Pied-a-terre!
Careful, cookie! You're on thin icing!
[SCREAMING]
Dang, I'm good! Do you feel that, chef boy? Are you a loser?
All righty, then!
[LAUGHS]
My kind of bird!
Nice work, Ace!
ALL: Ace! Ace! Ace!
Well, don't let me interrupt your chanting.
Hi, Mr. Ventura! Can I have your autograph?
Sorry, son, I'm still using it.
But, spank you for asking.
I beg your pardon, Mr. Ventura.
Begging is against the law in this state, sir. I could have you arrested.
No, no! You see, I'm in need of your services.
Oh, well!
I suppose I can spare a moment away from sucking up all this praise.
Step into my office.
MAN : Interesting office!
Why, thanks!
Just don't drink the coffee.
Anyway, what's your trouble, sir?
Mr. Ventura, I'll come straight to the point.
It concerns my daughter's cat. You see...
Is it missing?
Well, in a sense.
Take me to the scene of the crime.
-Spike! -[TOILET FLUSHING]
All righty, then.
We've got a new case.
ACE: Oh, and you've got toilet paper stuck to your tail.
MAN : You see, Mr. Ventura, the cat belongs to my daughter, Muffy.
Muffy?
Tell me, are Chip and Ernie part of the family as well?
Mr. Ventura, my daughter's cat is possessed.
Come again? And this time bring some munchies.
My daughter's cat is possessed.
You mean... you mean possessed, like this?
There is not enough room in this body for the both of us.
Like that kind of possessed?
Oh, yes! Only worse!
I'm a pet detective.
There's not enough hours in the day to waste even one on this voodoo!
I'm willing to pay you just to have a look,
and see that what I'm saying is true.
Really?
You'll have to include my little hairy assistant's time as well.
Yes, yes!
What harm could it be to humor Ward Cleaver?
[THUNDER CRACKING]
Which house is it?
[SIGHS] Follow me.
[WIND HOWLING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
Jeez!
Don't you pay your electric bill?
It's been like this since Twinkle was possessed.
The horror!
You mean... You mean...
You actually named your cat Twinkle?
Loser!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Mr. Ventura! I'm so glad you're here.
This is my daughter, Muffy.
Twinkle isn't the cat I've known and loved.
He's possessed by something evil.
Fret not, my lovely young midriff.
I'll prove to you this is all a bunch of hooey. Come on, Spike.
Spike!
Gee! Is it the maid's day off?
[LAUGHS]
Ooh! It's a hundred degrees in here.
That cat must be in heat.
Spike, I'd lose the monkey suit if I were you.
Hmm, could be claw marks,
but more likely this wallpaper was simply applied by an amateur.
Hey, Dagwood! Ever hear of an interior decorator?
What is it, my simian Tonto?
Levitating?
Looks normal to me, boss monkey man.
Maybe you should stop dipping your bananas in rum sauce.
What? What? What?
Now look, Spike!
I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop messing around.
All righty, then?
Okay, Spike, that's it!
You know, I'm not sure, my mini mighty Joe Young,
but I think that's illegal in this state.
Ah! Come here, little kitty. Come here.
How adorable!
Spike, if this cat's possessed,
I'll give up hair gel and start wearing khaki pants.
[TWINKLE LAUGHS]
Would you care to put that in writing?
Shickadance, is that you?
TWINKLE: Look down, pet detective.
Here's Twinkle!
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
[GROWLS]
[THUNDER CRACKS]
[ACE SCREAMING]
I don't blame you for doubting me, Mr. Ventura.
But seeing is believing.
Ooh! What are you feeding that animal?
[WEEPING] My poor little Twinkle!
Now don't worry, little miss Muffy.
This may be a more twisted situation than I've handled before.
But Ace is on the case!
Oh, Ace, if you can really save my cat, I'd be ever so grateful.
My dear, when I'm done with that mangy demon,
you'll be scraping him off the bottom of Twinkle's litter box.
Right, Spike? Spike?
[SPIKE WHISTLING]
Spike!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Give me a break!
Hmm. Now, where did that little ape go?
[ACE WHOOPING]
Got milk? 'Cause, hey, it doesn't possess body good.
[COUGHS]
Why you fool!
What's the matter, cat got your fork tongue?
Didn't I see you on a car window somewhere?
Uh-oh! Watch out! Incoming hair-ball!
[ALL SCREAM]
[BOTH GASP]
[GASPS]
Okay, Morris! Nobody burns the do.
Quick! Have you guys got an exorcise tape?
[ACE SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
[TWINKLE LAUGHING]
Oh, dear! What will the neighbors think?
Oh, how they'll talk!
It's a cinch you'll be excluded
from all the good Tupperware parties this year.
Oh, Ace, please do something!
Come on, Spike.
We've got to stop that Heathcliff from Hades.
Spike!
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUNDER CRACKING]
Why does the lightning only strike over his house?
That's their business, dear.
Mind if I drop in for a bite?
Aren't you supposed to say "meow"?
Meow!
[MAN SCREAMING]
ACE: Bad kitty!
You didn't even wait till everyone was served.
Sleuthing pets is right up my alley cat,
so why don't you go back home like a good little demon
and return what doesn't belong to you?
Right!
[SCREAMS]
Hey, we may have just started a new dance craze.
What do you want?
[DOG WHIMPERING]
ACE: Hey! Hey! Hey! Knock it off!
You guys are fighting like dogs and other worldly Lucifer-sent unholy cats.
You don't know the half of it.
Spike, take it easy! I'm going to blow chunks!
[ACE SCREAMING]
Oh, that stings!
You know, my butt may never speak again.
Stop right there, you gruesome Garfieldian!
Yes?
You're going to have to do more than play with fire
to stop this primo pet private eye.
Oh, you want to see more.
All righty, then!
[ROARING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[RUMBLING]
Do not go in there!
I'm just a jungle guy, jungle guy, a funky jungle guy!
-[TOILET FLUSHING] -[ACE SCREAMS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[COMPUTER WHIRRING AND BEEPING]
What's the secret code?
ACE: Um, the dog barks backwards at midnight.
No!
ACE: Um...
The crow cost thrice if the milk is past the date?
No!
Ah, come on, Woodstock! It's me.
Oh, all right!
A possessed pussycat!
Ace-inator, aren't you out of your league?
Only a loser would be daunted by such a challenge.
I'm not daunted just a little dented.
Okay, Manilo!
So, like this demon has all the supernatural abilities a demon would have.
Yes.
But it's still got to abide by the limited abilities
and characteristics of its host-body.
Meaning?
Meaning that the cat may be possessed, but it's still a cat.
So, what you're saying is I've been trying to stop a demon/cat,
but in order to stop a demon/cat,
I've got to treat it like a cat/cat.
'Cause that's the only way to stop a demon/demon?
WOODSTOCK: You got it, Manachevette!
Now, I've prepared some equipment to help you get your paws on that darn cat.
Straight from the Woodstock cat-alog?
Yeah!
This baby has a range of feet.
You can spray %...
or full force.
ACE: Groovy!
What is this?
Special holy water to burn the demon?
No, it's tap water.
Cats hate water!
Ah, super, then!
Here's your a*t*matic reel of yarn.
Now, this compartment dispenses a steel mesh folding cage.
Here's a pack of tasty fish treats.
If the sugar rush doesn't get him, the catnip will.
GQ, here I come!
WOODSTOCK: Press these buttons and you'll have no problem
keeping up with that cat,
or getting away from it.
Is that it, lifesaver?
One more thing, pet saver, a secret w*apon.
ACE: The cat in the hat's in trouble,
and it's going to take more than green eggs and ham to fix it.
[CACKLES]
ACE: Oh, Twinkle!
The cat's out of the bag, crazy cool!
You again?
Aren't there any poodles that need to be walked?
Feeling lucky today, punk?
You're probably asking yourself, if that was his best sh*t.
Do me a favor and bless this water, would you, boss monkey man?
[MUMBLING]
Ha! Is all that talk supposed supposed to scare me?
[LAUGHING]
You see, my attitude is don't say it, spray it!
You'll have to do better than that.
Count on it, Mr. Mustapolis!
That was just my opening act.
Whoa! Do the swim, everybody! Yes!
[HUMMING]
What do you say to that, big mouth?
[GROWLS]
Well, that bites.
[GASPS]
[SHRIEKS]
Yo, yo, yo, putty! I'll make a deal with you.
Of course, there are some strings attached.
Hmm. Don't tell me, cat's cradle?
You're out of tricks.
Then have a treat.
[SCREAMS]
[CRACKLING]
I think the catnip agrees with him.
[MEOWS]
Bingo, scrabble and yahtzee!
Let's move it, Spike.
And so, the catnip nipped the demon in the bud,
and put him out like Rip Van Twinkle.
Oh, Ace! You did it!
Well, sort of.
There's no telling what'll happen when he wakes up.
But, as long as you keep him sedated for the rest of his life,
everything should be fine.
And while you write out a check,
I'll check to see if Muffy's available for dinner.
But we can't keep Twinkle asleep forever.
[SCREAMS]
Oh-oh. [CHUCKLES]
You look a little hungover, buddy.
How about some hair of the dog?
I'd rather have your head on a platter.
The secret w*apon, if you please!
Old habits die hard.
ACE: Yes!
Give that mouse a year's supply of the cheese of his choice.
[ALL SCREAM]
You'll pay for this, pet detective!
No, no, now!
Really, sir, you're in no position to make catty remarks.
Get ready to rumble.
Aah!
Holy high-powered executives!
It's the big cheese!
I'm sick to death of having to deal with your foolishness.
How many times do I have to tell you, we don't possess animals!
But... but I... I...
You what? You screwed up again, that's what!
Last month he possessed an ostrich.
An ostrich! These kids today!
Tell me about it.
Spike here shoplifts bananas, and I got to take the heat for it.
Hmm?
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Don't get me started!
And now, a kitten? Can't you do anything right?
Sorry, Uncle!
You're always sorry.
Apologize to these nice people.
I'm sorry!
Ex-squeeze me? I didn't catch that.
I'm sorry, Mr. Ventura!
Can we go now, Uncle?
We do our best to get as many souls as possible,
but animals are just not our thing.
Hey, what can you do?
Fire the guy?
I can't. He's family.
Say, I've been watching you, and you're pretty good at raising you know what.
You wouldn't be interested in the position below, would you?
Come on! That'd be downward mobility.
Suit yourself.
Let's go. It's much too cool up here for me.
Okay, Uncle.
[SNEEZES]
And, you know, I'm allergic to cats.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [SOBS]
And don't come back!
All righty, then!
-Oh, Ace! You're the greatest! -[ACE MEOWS]
I'm the cat's meow. [LAUGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]