[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
Alrighty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHS]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Ah.
Ah.
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN: The concert starts in an hour.
We're like finished, totally doomed.
Calm down. Don't worry.
I've sent for an animal specialist.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Ace Ventura, pet detective, please to meet me.
I know who you are, Ventura.
I'm Sandy Soul, the rock promoter.
I called you.
Mr. Ventura, allow me to introduce Stench, Phlegm and Rash,
world famous rock band Turtle Soup.
And this is the world famous Spike, the wonder monkey.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
We lost our turtle, Sheldon, and without Sheldon I don't sing.
-Sheldon's our muse. -And our metronome.
He bobs his head to the b*at of the songs. We can't play without him.
A reptile of the order Chelonia. Also called the Testudines.
Their prime characteristic is a body encasing shell usually a fused bony plates.
Have you looked in Phlegm's hair?
-My car keys. -No Sheldon.
Bogus.
The concert starts in one hour, Ventura.
You better find Sheldon or tonight's show is cancelled.
Hi, Gene, Inspector.
I'll need to see a permit for that earwax.
Hey, hey, hey.
I got everything perfect for tonight's show. Do not touch the buttons.
Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon, where are you?
Sheldon.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Don't mess with the buttons, man.
I am sorry. I can't hear you over these massive stage lights.
[expl*si*n]
I declare the stadium turtle free,
my Reese's Peanut Butter chimp.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Sheldon!
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Say, Tinkerbell, mind flying back to planet Earth,
so I can ask you a few questions.
I'm looking for a turtle, you know, the type bald, leathery, and ever so scaly.
Perhaps, you've seen him on your journeys through the fourth dimension.
Say you and the fuzzy kid want a hanging party.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Surely, the party gods have smiled upon us.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Twister.
No, right hand yellow.
Right hand yellow.
Right hand yellow.
What are you doing?
Whatever you do don't look her in the eye.
She'll turn you to stone.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
It's almost showtime. Have you found Sheldon?
I've got some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that Sheldon hasn't answered my personal ad, yet.
Single white male in search of romantic turtle.
Must like walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and bubble baths.
The good news is I have a brilliant plan.
Gosh, my very own turtle. Just what I've always wanted.
Oh, that's not Sheldon.
You're so right it's spooky.
Spike, tell Medusa what she's won.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
That's right. Your very own personality.
Wear it around the house. Show it off at parties.
Okay. Here's the Skinny singing stink bombs.
Bessie will fill in for Sheldon, so Stench can sing with.
Now, white pet dude, that turtle can't rock.
No Sheldon, no Stench.
The show starts in two minutes, Ventura.
What's your next brilliant plan?
Gee, hee, hee. Let me think.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[DRUM PLAYING]
I am Stench and this is Turtle Soup.
Let's rock and roll.
CROWD: Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup.
Is Bessie ready? My little karaoke King Kong.
And say hello to your favorite turtle.
CROWD: Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Come on, Bessie, go girl. Be one with the b*at, baby.
♪ You know I love the birds and bees and critters of all kinds.
♪ Pointy ears and scaly rears with hair on their behinds.
♪ I love them all cause they love me.
♪ I'll let you wonder why.
♪ It's because they see I'll always be a funky jungle guy,
♪ Jungle guy, funky jungle guy.
♪ Funky jungle guy, jungle guy.
♪ Jungle guy.
♪ It's because they see I'll always be a funky jungle guy,
♪ Jungle guy, funky jungle guy.
♪ Just a jungle guy, jungle guy, a funky jungle guy,
♪ A funky jungle guy. ♪
[SINGING]
CROWD: Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup.
Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup. Turtle Soup.
[GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
This was not in my contract.
[SCREAMS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeppy kai yay.
[YODELING]
Alrighty, then.
Got you.
I think I am falling in love with you all over again.
All right, Ventura.
You saved the show tonight but your party's over until you find Sheldon.
Sheldon did not run away.
He was, in fact, turtlenapped.
Don't bother me with technicalities.
You have until tomorrow night's show to find Sheldon.
If you don't...
Creepy.
We have to think like a turtle, act like a turtle,
and eat like a turtle.
If we were turtles, where would we go.
Yes. After our tap dance lessons.
[SCREAMS]
You know a fellow could get to like this.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Well, batter my behind and call me extra crispy.
What's this my detective eyes do see?
Hey, poster boy, got anything against Turtle Soup?
Get lost, granddad.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Just call me Poke-a-hontas.
Get my point.
Okay, okay. Mr. David Silverman is paying me
to take down Turtle Soup posters and put up his.
Silverman used to be their opening act but the band fired him.
That's all I know, honest.
It's time we paid Mr. Silvermine a little visit.
With my brilliant magic,
I shall now make this pachyderm vanish before your very eyes.
Where's my peanuts?
-Who the dickens are you? -Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
First, do they sell men's clothes where you bought that outfit?
Now, see here.
Okay, Mr. Magic, where's Sheldon the Turtle?
I don't have that turtle.
Turtle Soup fired you for being a dork which angered you so much
that you'd do anything to have your revenge
and make their careers disappear.
So you payI Married a Teenage Werewolf to tear down their posters
but that wasn't enough, so you snatch their turtle Sheldon
knowing full well the band won't play without him.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[APPLAUSE]
You're getting sleepy.
Your Jedi mind tricks won't work with me, Dork Vader.
-My mind's like a steel... -Sleepy.
Tr*mp.
And now for my... I mean, your pleasure,
I shall perform my most amazing trick.
I will saw this man into separate pieces of equal lengths,
little teeny weeny petit petit pieces.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Would you like a wing or a leg?
No one touches the do.
Alrighty, Mr. Microphone, I am only going to ask this question once.
How's your health plan?
Now, what do you want?
Ooh! That's got to hurt.
Hmm.
Ginsu.
Make it fast, Mister Now You See Him, Now You Don't.
Where's Sheldon the Turtle?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I can't hear you.
I didn't take the turtle.
I was just tearing down Turtle Soup's posters
to hurt their business, that's all.
Third time's the charm, Merlin.
I love animals. I swear, I didn't take Sheldon.
Okie dokie now.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Spank you.
Try the cheese puffs and don't forget to tip your waitress.
Uh...
Little help, please.
Well, scratch Silvermine off the list.
He's no turtlenapper.
In fact, he's barely a magician.
We received another note, Ventura.
It's even worse than the first.
"Water plants, feed cat, call mother."
Diabolical.
No, the other side.
"Cancel the show or we cancel Sheldon."
It's helpless, dude.
Au contraire mon frere,
our turtlenapper left us a greasy clue.
[LICKING]
An excellent ear. Nice bouquet.
What are you doing?
To the untrained tongue, this is little more than a greasy note.
But take my taste bud for a organ,
mixed with my uncanny knowledge of Miami fast food
and you get donut grease.
[CHEWING]
In fact, there's only one donut shop in Miami
that uses such artery-hardening grease.
Come, my wamp-pa-pa-loom papa baboon, it's donut time.
SHOPKEEPER: Now that you mentioned it, Ace,
we have been getting some pretty big donut orders from the Miami Opera House.
In fact, we can't make the donuts fast enough.
Hmm. Donuts and music and turtles.
Donuts and music and turtles. Donuts and music and turtles.
Oh, my.
That's it! The Two Tenors.
They're performing at the Miami Opera House.
You see, my chocolate sprinkle friend,
nothing could be more horrible to a classical music enthusiast
than eight-track tape.
However, coming in a close second, is a grunge band like Turtle Soup.
The Two Tenors kidnapped Sheldon to stop the further spread of mindless music.
To the Miami Opera House, my monkey Mozart.
♪ Figaro, figaro, figaro
♪ Figaro figaro figaro
-♪ Figaro qua -♪ La, la, la
-♪ Figaro la -♪ La, la, la
-♪ Figaro so -♪ La, la, la
♪ La, la, la
♪ La, la, la
♪ Figaro
♪ Yodele, yodole, yodole Hee-hoo
♪ Ace Ventura, pet detective I'll show you
♪ I cracked the case
♪ Now where's the turtle? ♪
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Bravo. Bravissimo.
He's on to us, Grossie. We must get him.
♪ Where's Sheldon Missing turtle?
♪ I know you have him I will find him
♪ Ace Ventura What a pleasure
♪ Cut the small talk Where is Sheldon?
♪ I'm so sorry No hard feelings
♪ No harm done Just my kister
♪ I must hurt you Toby mister ♪
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Whoa!
[ALL CHEERING]
Surprisingly, this is a lot like my prom night.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
[SCREAMS]
Jungle guy, jungle guy, funky, funky, jungle guy.
He's got the turtle.
Alrighty, then.
Every arch villain has a weakness, Spike.
You've just got to know what it is.
[BOTH GRUMBLING]
[BOTH GASP]
So, we stole the turtle to put a stop to this rock and roll madness.
We will return the turtle but we still hate the music.
Hey, how you get the cream filled?
Rock and roll, opera.
This world is not big enough for the two of us.
Boys, this world ain't big enough for the one of you.
Although, maybe we can reach a compromise.
What are you saying?
Gee, let me think.
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ It's a focusing together In the freedom That we all agree is nice
♪ I look impounded And really funny
♪ And we love watching reruns Of Miami Vice ♪
Combining the two acts was a great idea, Ventura.
You saved the tour and I just wanted to say...
I know you're secretly in love with me.
But like all champions of justice,
I must ride off into the sunset.
When an innocent animal cries for help
that's where you'll find me.
Either there or the potty.
I'll never forget you, sweetheart.
Please try.
They want us to do an encore.
That's fine by us.
Hey, like, where's Sheldon?
Everybody comfy?
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Isn't that cute?
They're in love.
But things are really gonna get crazy
when they find out we took this.
Hey, come back here.
Hey, come back here.
[VENTURA LAUGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]