[WIND WHOOSHING]
[FLUTE PLAYING]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
MR. VENTURA: People of the Swiss Alps, I come in peace.
Now take me to your chocolate factory.
[LAUGHING]
Ooh, got you!
Yes, messing with your mind.
[SPIKE CHITTERING]
MR. VENTURA: I knew there were stairs.
I thought you like taking the scenic route.
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
My sidekick, Spike.
Monkey-man, monk-man. Monk-man, monkey man.
Monkey-man, monk-man. Monk-man... [SHRIEKS]
So you uh, requested my services.
What's the deal? Your sacred cow gone missing?
Somebody kidnap your pet Yak?
This is the Ginseng Monastery, isn't it?
What, are you guys hard of hearing?
Cat got your tongue?
I know, I'm talking. I can feel my lips moving.
MONK: They cannot answer you, Mr. Ventura.
They are apprentices who have taken a vow of silence.
[SNICKERING] Really?
They must maintain silence for one full year to truly prove their worth.
Mr. Ventura? Mr. Ventura?
-Argh! -[ALL SCREAMING]
I don't think they'll pass the audition.
Our ways are simple.
We believe the true path to enlightenment
is open to all who have eyes to see and ears to hear.
Mr. Ventura?
I'm sorry, was I not listening?
Where do you hide the bathroom in this joint, anyway?
[MONKS CHANTING] Om! Om!
Catchy!
I must ask you to remain silent.
Hey, I've got one.
[SINGINGHOME ON THE RANGE]
♪ Home, home on the range
♪ Where the deer and the antelope play
Come on, everybody!
♪ Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
♪ And the skies are not cloudy all day ♪
[WHISTLING]
MONK: According to ancient prophecy,
our holy master has recently been reincarnated.
Reincarnated?
You mean a spirit has been reborn in a new body?
You really believe that stuff?
Religiously!
All righty, then!
We are asking you to find him, Mr. Ventura.
You have got to be kidding.
I can't believe I came halfway around the world for this!
I am a pet detective!
[SHOUTING] I do not do humans!
The holy master has been reincarnated as an animal.
That I can do.
Now what kind of animal has he been reincarnated as?
We do not know.
You do not know!
Does it at least say what species he is?
Does he answer to any names like Your Holiness,
or Grand Poobah, Jimmy, Elroy, Spot?
The book is clear.
Search for the signs.
"Search for the sign", he says.
Where am I gonna find a sign around here?
[CATCHY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[RETCHING]
Spike, a sign.
He appears to be speaking in tongues.
Speak! Are you the holy master?
[THROWS UP]
A fur ball!
The only sign here is that his owner needs to comb him more often.
[DOG BARKING]
Scratch him.
A birthmark in the image of Elvis, that's got to be the sign!
[COW MOOING]
After him, Spike!
MONK:That's not it, that's not it.
That's not it, that's not it.
That's not it, that's not it.
That's not it, that's not it.
-Argh! -That's not it.
All righty, then.
Maybe you should consider finding him yourself.
Our beliefs forbid us from leaving the monastery.
Oh, really?
Hey, isn't that the chick fromBaywatch?
You have a serious discipline problem here.
Mr. Ventura, we must find the holy master
before the cult of darkness does.
The cult of darkness?
If they should find him first,
it would spell the end for our holy master.
That changes everything!
For when there's an animal in danger,
Ace Ventura, pet detective must rock!
Spike, let's roll!
Remember, search for the sign.
You will know it when you see it.
I may know it but I ain't seeing it.
Doesn't he realize how many animals there are out here?
[BUZZING]
Ew!
I sure hope the holy master wasn't reincarnated as a bug.
[YAK MOOING]
[MEN STRUGGLING]
Hmm. They're wearing black,
and they're shoving a Yak into a rickshaw against its will.
Likely candidates for the cult of darkness.
[STRAINING]
[THUDDING]
The stool of this Yak is unusually large and stringy.
It must be the sign.
MR. VENTURA: A sign of too much fiber in the diet.
I hate that Yak!
Ah!
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[TIRES SCREECHING]
[WHISTLES]
Follow that rickshaw!
[CROWD YELLS]
-[SIREN BLARING] -Step on it, Bob!
[MR. VENTURA SCREAMING]
-[TIRES SCREECHING] -[CRASHES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Ahhh!
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Huh?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Oop! Ouch!
[SCREAMS]
[CRASHES]
[SHRIEKS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Phew!
[SCREAMING]
[MR. VENTURA AND SPIKE YELLING]
[GROANING]
Spike, it's the sign!
We've got to get that panda before those guys in the black leotards show up.
Come on, boy!
Hold still, will you?
[STRAINING] I am trying to save you!
MAN: The sign!
The panda is the one we seek.
I think I should warn you that I am trained in the art of Hiya.
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Hiya!
[GIBBERISH]
I should also warn you that I'm a world-class sprinter.
[PANTING] Heavy! Heavy!
Heavy! Heavy!
[YELLING]
Yes, atta-boy, Spike! Come here!
[MAN SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
[TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
MR. VENTURA: I had the situation completely under control
till the Yak fell on me.
Time is of the essence and our earthly bodies will only hold us back,
we must rely on our spiritual forms to find our master's location.
[CHANTING] Om!
[CHANTING] Om!
Spike, I think my legs are asleep.
MONK: As an archer make straight his arrow,
so does a wise man make straight his unsteady thoughts.
Oh, that's good! Hey, I've got one!
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Or the truly wise man does not play leapfrog with a unicorn.
I cannot concentrate!
Or how about the higher a monkey climbs,
the more you see of its behind!
-[SPIKE SCREECHES] -[ACE LAUGHS]
[MONKS APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
We are most pleased to see Mr. Ventura has taken the vow of silence.
[CHANTS]
Groovy.
Hey, what's going on here?
Oh, no. I'm seeing a fog.
Come to us, oh, spirit! I feel your presence!
You're close! Oh, so close!
Harold, is it really you?
Oh, I missed you so much, my cuddly-buddly...
Wait a minute! You're not my husband.
No! Would I wanna be?
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
I wonder why the spirit world has led us here.
Are you The Ghost of Christmases to come?
Uh...
I think there's been a slight mix up.
Are these the shades of things that might be, or must be?
You're rich, you think of that.
My little future looks bleak.
Must be rush hour.
Spike, there!
Shake it, mama.
Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, mama. -[MONK CHANTS]
MR. VENTURA: Best seat in the house.
Sometimes, these spirit forms are really handy for getting into a sold-out show.
Oh, hi. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You know, I'm sure I saw those guys
with the black suits come in here.
Spike, after them!
If only we could find an open window.
Gotcha!
No guards, no traps!
No problem-o, my monkey compadre.
Looks like this case is just about wrapped.
[STRUGGLING]
[GRUNTS]
Hmm.
The spirit may be willing but I just don't have the power.
Spike, let's get physical.
Whoa! What a trip!
Let's hit it, Spike.
Where is our holy master being held?
Well, it looks like an old temple, interesting architecture.
I'd say from the mid to late creepy period.
It is as I feared.
He is in the hands of Zhang Tong.
Tong was once a monk
but he gave up his holy vows to become a powerful sorcerer.
You will need to be well-armed if you are to go up against Tong.
We talking bazooka? Rocket launcher? German t*nk?
Oh, boy, goody-goody! I can hardly wait!
Ooh, magic beans!
Don't tell me!
Tong is a giant who lives in the clouds
and owns a magic harp. [CHUCKLES]
These are not beans, Mr. Ventura.
They are teeth of the dragon.
Scattering the teeth around you repels all evil.
Spank you. I feel much safer already.
Who dares to approach the temple of darkness?
[IN OLD WOMAN'S VOICE] I'm an old, old hank,
seeking shelter from the colden wind.
But wait, I have a performing monkey.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] We're in!
One does not need magic beans when one is a master of disguise.
[IN OLD WOMAN'S VOICE] Bless you, kind sir.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You keep them busy, while I find Mr. Panda.
Go on, like we rehearsed!
Boom shakalaka, boom shakalaka!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING IN STEREO]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[SHRIEKS]
-[GROWLING] -[SPIKE SHRIEKING]
Yummy!
Deal's off!
We do not eat the entertainment.
[SCREAMS IN PAIN]
Spike, split up!
[GROANING]
Whoa!
Phew!
Huh!
[GROANS] Whew!
Greetings, Mr. Ventura.
I was expecting you.
[YELLING NERVOUSLY]
You don't really expect me to be impressed
by a cheap magic trick, do you, Mr. Pong?
That's Tong!
Okay, so it's an expensive magic trick.
My dark powers are dwindling as the reborn master's pure powers grow stronger.
That is why I must sacrifice the panda.
-Whoa! -And you are in my way!
You cannot escape!
Look, Tong baby...
its eyes don't glow, it can't levitate, and it can't hurl fireballs.
It's not a sorcerer, it's a bear, get it?
[GRUMBLING]
Hey, isn't that the chick fromBaywatch?
Huh? Where?
Works every time!
Heavy! Heavy!
How does he do that?
Ahhh!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
MR. VENTURA: Spike, run!
Drat! The dreaded dragon's teeth.
Hmm.
Well, what do you know, those dragon teeth are pretty nifty.
Ouch!
Spike, let me in!
SPIKE: Uh-uh.
I know what I said about the dragon's teeth, I changed my mind.
[PLEADING] Please! Please, let me in!
Uh-uh.
What do you mean, there's not enough room?
Okay, at least let the panda in for safekeeping.
Darn!
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Magic snake spell!
Two can play at this game.
Magic mongoose spell!
The mongoose is the natural enemy of the snake.
Hmm. No mongoose, but it'll do.
Hmm.
Ahhh!
[TONG SNICKERING] That was an invisibility spell, Mr. Ventura.
Must have forgot to dot the I.
[TONG MUMBLING]
Upset stomach spell!
[GROANS IN PAIN]
That's right, Tong baby!
You've got the worms!
[TONG GROANING IN PAIN]
The last roll in the house, and it's all mud.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You want a piece of me? Come and get it!
Hold him, Spike.
Hiya!
Hiya!
[ALL GASP]
He has the power!
[ALL SCREAMING]
I picked up that trick from the amazing Randy
when he hired me to find his pet hamster.
[MR. VENTURA SCREAMING]
I saw this trick in a movie about flying monkeys.
He's melting!
Melting!
[TONG CHANTING]
Okay, he's not melting.
We are not through yet, Mr. Ventura.
[MR. VENTURA SCREAMING]
[SNICKERING]
Ahhh!
TONG: Okay, now we're through.
Tong paid the ultimate price for scaring a panda.
He slipped on fresh panda poop.
MONK: As the sands of fate owe a debt to the oceans of enlightenment,
so are we indebted to you, Mr. Ventura.
MR. VENTURA: Here's my bill.
A simple check will do.
And now the panda will levitate as a sign
that he is the true master we have been seeking.
[CHANTING] Om!
Om!
MONK: The bear is not levitating.
Perhaps he is not the true master.
Imagine, levitating bears!
PEOPLE: We are not worthy!
We are not worthy!
We are not worthy!
We are not worthy!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]