[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n ♪
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[SQUEAKING]
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
[SPITS]
Mexico sure is hot, but it's a dry heat.
Eh, compadre?
[CHATTERING]
Spike, I told you to go before we left Miami.
Well, you're just gonna have to wait until we get to the ranch
or you could use my hat.
Senor Ventura, welcome. Your jackass must be tired.
Since you mention it, I am a little saddle sore.
Your burro.
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa! Got me.
I am...
San Fernando, owner of the Circle F,
largest stud bull ranch in all of Mexico.
You've called me here because you're missing a bull.
Not just any bull, Muerto.
A quaint name meaning k*ller.
Old Morty must be quite a ferocious one.
Only to his enemies,
but he could also be the gentlest bull in all of Mexico.
Muerto had much love to give.
Yes, well, this is a stud ranch.
Senor Ventura, we hope you can find Muerto,
for you see, he is my son's pet.
To the crime scene,por favor.
Hmm, multigrain.
That'll keep you regular.
This hombre cannot help us.
He will never find my bull.
I heard that.
Observe.
Needle in a haystack.
-Wow. -Careful not to sit on it.
Now that I have your full attention,
did Morty have any distinctive features aside from the obvious...
[SCREAMING]
My tuchus, my tuchus.
Oh, yeah. Feeling good.
Facial anyone?
You are right.
This hombre will never find Muerto.
[WHISTLING]
-[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] -[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Wrong.
Try genus melanotus AKA say, everybody,
have you heard she's gonna buy me a mockingbird
to which this feather belongs
and that,mi amigos, is no bull.
There are no mockingbirds in these parts.
Precisely.
But they have a home in a little state, I like to call Texas.
Put your jackass in gear, Spike.
We're heading for the Lone Star State to find Muerto.
The bull with the Circle F brand.
The rodeo makes sense, huh?
Pardon me, have you seen this bull?
Maybe this will help.
Ever seen one like it?
Lucky for you I can turn the other cheek.
Jangle, jangle, jangle.
Hot dog, I'm so bow legged they'll have to bury me
in a horseshoe shaped coffin.
Okay, Spike, click your spurs and hitch up your chaps
because it's time for operation brand F.
No. No. No.
Uh-uh. Not it.
Not even close.
Nope. No cigar. No way.
[GRUNTING]
Not a circle after the bunch.
Oh, no!
[SCREAMING]
So much for any little Aces.
-[GASPS] -Yay!
Big finish coming up.
Want to see an upside down fruitcake?
CROWD: Yeah!
And dismount.
Yay!
CROWD: Boo!
[GRINDING TEETH]
Spank y'all.
Spank y'all very much.
Oh, my bones, my bones.
My kidneys are over here, my appendix over there, my pancreas!
I can't find my pancreas, either of them.
Nice to see my severe trouncing didn't spoil your lunch,
you smore sucking simian.
Gee, Spike, you always travel with the Circle F branding iron?
Bingo, was his name-o.
Muah.
[CHATTERING]
Our bull-napper cleverly shook us off his trail
by giving Morty a little identity change.
We couldn't find the circle F bull
because the circle F bull is now a circle P bull.
Wait, I saw the circle P.
[GASPS]
Yeah.
That could accommodate a large male cow.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Mind if I ask what was in that crate?
I see no crate, partner.
They don't call them cowboys for nothing.
Hey, your barn door's open.
I know the face, but I can't quite place the belt size.
[BOTH SNEERING]
Gee, I think I was looking in the mirror
if it weren't for the -gallon gut
beneath the -gallon hat.
Well, yippee ki-yay.
If it ain't old Phatteus Lardus,
international animal smuggler and all-around round guy.
Recognize me, huh, huh?
How about now?
We meet again, Mr. Ventura.
Oh, that's perceptive.
Meanwhile, I can't help but notice you and your monkey wear matching hats
except that his is missing a feather.
A mockingbird's feather.
Like a glove, eh?
Hey, watch the rhinestones, will you?
In a few moments, your rhinestones and breathing will be of no concern to you.
Dynamite!
Won't that be a bit loud, Lardus?
-Very. -Oh!
Sorry to run, Mr. Ventura but a massive expl*si*n might soil my cowboy suit
and it's rented. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, and you're ugly in a bathing suit.
[GRUNTING]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Spike, did you hear that?
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Sounds like Mrs. Ed's lonely for companionship.
[CHUCKLES]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Good work, flicker.
Hmm, keeps on ticking.
Everybody out before this place becomes sawdust.
Take care then. Bye-bye, now.
Something's gone wrong.
-Get him. -Come on, Spike.
Yoo-hoo, losers!
Hey, over here!
No, over here.
Hey, lard bucket, say cheese.
Down here.
[GRINDING TEETH]
Oh.
[INAUDIBLE]
Hi-ya!
Some advice, hang on to your pancreas.
Oh, Mr. Ventura,
I will follow you to the four corners of the planet.
You will pay.
Hope that bull's got a good chiropractor, right, Spike?
Spike?
[CLOCK TICKING]
[LAUGHS]
Spike!
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
Good thing I wear an athletic cup.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
What do you care how far the truck went?
You're not the one hooping it.
What is that?
A stencil board and some of the letters are still wet.
The right combination of letters may lead us right to Muerto.
"So paint."
So I already did. Scrabble me, Spike.
"Into spa", a bowling whirlpool?
Doesn't sound pretty.
No, think so, but spank you anyway. [inaudible]
"To Spain."
"To Spain."
"To Spain."
Duh!
The stencil is used to address livestock shipping crates
which means, I hope you like paella.
Buenas noches. Hey, Margarita, how are you?
Nice taco to you.
Buenos aires. Muchos burrito.
You know, the Spanish take their siesta very seriously.
[SNORING]
Excuse me, you seem to be drooling.
-Que? -Say, since you're awake,
can you tell me where I can find a bull around here?
[BULL BELLOWS]
Well, I can see Waldo.
Marty, if you're in there, click your hooves
and we'll have you home in time for salsa.
[BULL BELLOWS]
I think we found our bull.
"To Spain."
Did I mention we found our bull?
[SNORING]
Si, si, si.
Can you feel it?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Oops.
[GROANS]
Oh, look, the goddess of spandex.
Welcome to Pamplona, Senor Ventura.
I mean, siestas are very overrated.
I am El Matador.
Save your bull torturing breath, El.
May I call you El? See if I got this right.
Your name is El Matador the fourth,
youngest member of the El Matador dynasty,
a family whose whole race is in detre pardon my French,
is k*lling innocent bulls for sport.
But there's one family of bulls you cannot defeat, Morty.
Your great grandfather, grandfather, father,
even your triple jointed cousin Shirley,
all got their butt swamped by these ruthless bulls.
But you couldn't take a hint, could you?
Instead of going into another line of work, say, flamenco dancing...
you search the world for the last remaining member of the bull, Morty.
But when San Fernando refused to sell him,
you hired the fatman to bring him to you.Oye.
Senor Ventura, you were quite the flamenco dancer.
Spank you.
Read my lips, Morty is a lover not a fighter.
He's coming with me.
It is my destiny to fight El Muerto
and no bad dressing Americano with funny hair
will stop me.
Oh, really?
A LL: Torro! Torro! Torro!
CROWD: Yeah!
[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
Do these tights make my butt look big?
ALL: Torro! Torro! Torro!
Ready, big fella? It's showtime.
[GROWLS]
Just follow my lead and you'll be back at Fernando's
before you can say, "Ole!"
Morty!
Morty!
ALL: Torro! Torro! Torro!
[GRUNTS]
Good, good. You're playing for the crowd.
Just remember, me as amigo.
[SCREAMING]
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep ♪
♪ It is time for siesta ♪
I'll tuck you in,
read you a bedtime story about the little bull that could?
[GRUNTS] All righty, then.
Let me out.
Help.
Senor Lardus, what brings you to Spain?
Oh, you are not here to take Muerto?
The bull is yours.
I want Ace Ventura.
Drawn and quartered and stuffed with asparagus on a platter.
[GROANS]
[CROWD BOOING]
Oh, yeah, why don't you come down and try it, you losers?
[ALL CHEERING]
Alto Los Picadors, your assistance I do not need.
Healthy helpertons.
[HORSE NEIGHS]
En garde, sil vous plait.
[ALL CHEERING]
ALL: El Matador.
Senors and senors, today's bullfight has been canceled
for the last bloodthirsty javelin throw and track and field meet.
Oh.
No, the El Muerto continues.
Yeah!
Senors and senors, we have, of course, El Matador.
El Muerto, prepare to meet your doom.
Tell me, El, do those tights come in a Scottish plaid?
I will uphold my family honor by defeating El Muerto
and you have your own appointment with death.
I have an appointment with the mummy?
El Matador! El Matador!
Hey, ole.
Word in the barn is you couldn't even swat a Spanish fly?
I will have your ear as my trophy.
[GRUNTING AND GROWLING]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Spank you.Gracias. Gracias.
-[GROWLING] -[SCREAMING]
Nice of you to join us, Spike.
Now, steer that steed on out of here.
I know the belt size, but I can't quite place the face.
Hmm, evil fez wearing monkey.
Hey, Lard bottom.
Mr. Ventura.
You are about to feel the pain of a thousand papercuts.
Can I sign your cast first?
After him!
Morty, Morty!
Gee, let me think.
Spain, Pamplona, running of the bulls, right on time.
That's my bus, monkey man.
[GRUNTING]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[SCREAMS]
Hey, no girls allowed.
Well, do you see him?
You will pay, Mr. Ventura!
It ain't over till the fat man screams.
[BULL BELLOWS]
[SCREAMS]
Now it's over.
[LAUGHS]
[BULL BELLOWS]
[TRAIN RATTLING]
Spike! Morty!
[BULL BELLOWS]
Spike, you made it, but where's Morty?
Oh, the perfect accessory for that special bull in your life,
the evil monkey hood ornament.
[BULL BELLOWS]
[SCREAMING]
Break my bones and you'll break Sam Juniors little heart.
Muerto, the gentlest bull in all of Mexico and Spain.
Here you are, Morty, casa sweet casa.
My bull, I missed you.
Gracias,Senor Ace.
It's times like this
that I'm glad I stopped at the pet detective table on career day.
[ACE CRYING]
[BULL GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]