05x17 - Reba the Landlord

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Barbra Jean.

Here you go,
Reba. A little gift.

Oh, lookee there.

A dartboard.

Ha, ha, carrot top. [Chuckles]

It's, uh... It's just a little somethin'
for you to remember me by.

Are we breaking up?

What did I do, and
why didn't I do it sooner?

Reba, we can't joke our way
out of this painful situation.

Brock is selling our house
to pay the debt to the I.R.S.

Why do you have to do that? I thought
you guys were getting a second mortgage.

Brock's credit is wrecked.

He said the guy at the bank
actually taped our application...

up in the coffee
room, next to Dilbert.

Selling your house. I
don't know what to say.

- Wish there was
something I could do.
- There is.

Should have stopped after
"I don't know what to say."

Reba, buy our house
and let us stay. Please?

Look, Barbra Jean, I
couldn't buy your house

even if there was
normal people livin' in it.

Well, you know, I
figured it was worth a shot.

You could have told me
that Brock was a deadbeat...

before I started
sneaking around with him.

God, I hate seeing
Barbra Jean sad.

It's like looking at a clown
without all her make-up on.

Yeah, it's sad. I wish we
could help, but we can't.

- Yes, we can.
- I've got to quit saying that!

Look, Mrs. H.

When we flipped that house on Filmore
last month, we made a little money.

But the big money is
owning a rental property.

It makes a little money during
the month, but it also appreciates.

You gotta see the big picture.

Do you know why
I keep saying no?

Because of this big picture!

All right.

Barbra Jean, Barbra
Jean, Barbra Jean.

You're so sensitive about Barbra
Jean. What has she ever done to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She broke up
your marriage and stole your husband.

Frankly, if you look
at the guy in the harsh

light of day, you'll see
she did you a favor.

Now, I got one word
for you... Let it go!

That's three words.

Not the way I say it.
Say it with me... "Letitgo."

Come on! We're talking
about makin' money here.

Yeah, and I hate to bring human beings
in your whole big discussion about money,

but, Mom, you could actually
help them keep their home.

Who? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Look, if you don't buy
their house, they're

gonna have to leave
the place that they love.

I mean, helping someone
keep their home is a huge deal.

You know, I work with the homeless.
We know, we know, we know.

It's okay. But she
does make a good point.

Okay. What are you all saying?
If I'm a good person, I'll do this?

Exactly, and that's what we're trying
to appeal to... your good "personess."

You see, I got the head for
business. You got the body...

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey, Mrs. H. The
lease is all ready to go.

Oh, this is so exciting.
I love being a landlord.

I love land, and I
love being a lord.

Hey, when they come in, can
we make 'em bow down to us?

Van, this is not a game.

I was being serious.
Kiss the pinky!

Look, I agreed to buy Brock and
Barbra Jean's house to help 'em out.

But there's a reason why you don't
sell your car to a family member.

Or underwear.

Barbra Jean said
they were unisex.

Van!

I am tryin' to explain to you...

why we need to keep this
arrangement strictly business.

I wanna avoid any situation which will
make me mad and give me motive to k*ll.

[Chuckles]

There's my fairy godmother!

Oh, hey. Can you turn
my husband into a prince?

Nope. He's stuck as a toad.

Very nice. Look, Barbra Jean won't
listen to me because, well, she's my wife.

But I wanna go on record as saying
that the two of you buying my house...

is the worst idea
that I've ever heard.

Okay, what he means is,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

You don't have to thank us. Yeah,
your deposit check will take care of that.

Yeah. All you need to do is pay
us for the first and last month's rent,

after you sign the lease.

[Chuckles] What? A lease?

We don't need a lease,
Reba. We're friends.

Okay. Nothing about
that statement is correct.

That's because we're the
landlords. You're the lowly tenants.

But Mrs. H and I have agreed that
you don't have to bow or kiss the pinky.

Okay. Yeah, it's
starting to sink in.

My ex-wife owns my house.

Well, she got my first one.
Might as well have the set.

Reba, would this
figure here be the rent?

Yep. [Bleating]

Hey! It's a lot less than anything
else that's going in the neighborhood.

I mean, golly! You didn't expect us
to let you live there for free, did ya?

No. Maybe.

Would be nice. [Chuckles]

Barbra Jean, this is a business
deal, and I wanna keep it that way.

Okay. Fine.

If that's the way you want
it. Van, can I borrow a pen?

Sure. But you're gonna need
to put a deposit down on it.

I'm just kiddin'.

Man, this is how I always
dreamed my life would turn out.

Yeah, it's a real high point.

Hey, maybe tomorrow morning
I'll wake up in bed with my mom.

[Gags]

Sorry.

Hard work being a landlord, huh?

I had no idea how
demanding tenants could be.

Barbra Jean's complaining
that her dishwasher's broken...

and expects me to
pay to have it fixed.

I got one word for you,
Barbra Jean... "paperplates"!

Van, that is two words.

"Letitgo"!

You know, you sound like
some sort of fat cat slumlord.

"Fat cat."

I like that.

I like cats, and I like fat.

Aah!

Van, we have to fix their
dishwasher. It's part of being a landlord.

No, it isn't, Mrs. H.

Being a landlord is soaking
the tenants for every penny...

so I can sit around, take
naps and go to the gym...

Which I'm late for, by the way.

Van, you know, your new obsession
with money is very unattractive.

Oh, yeah? That might be, but
take a look at these hammies.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, right. Wash a dish.

You know, you should go home,
take a sock and shove it down the toilet.

See if his "hammies"
can fix that.

So, uh, Reba, listen.

Uh, Barbra Jean sent me over
here to give you the security deposit.

Oh, great. The way
she was acting, I thought

I was gonna have
a problem with that.

[Straining] Yeah.
Well, here you go.

[Loud, Jingling Thud]

What's that? That's
the security deposit.

It's, uh... It's all in dimes.
She said you should count it.

That's insane! I can't drag
a bag of dimes to the bank!

They'll think I've
robbed a fountain. Oh.

Yeah. Uh, listen.
There's something else.

Barbra Jean has decided
to fix up the house,

and, since you're the
landlord, "It's on your dime."

She said I should make sure
and say it exactly like that.

Okay. All right. I'm gonna go
take care of this insanity right now!

Yeah.

Barbra Jean? Yeah.

We need to talk. Oh.

Hey, Mrs. Roper.

- What are you doing?
- Redecorating.

Which color do you like for the
living room... sand or Parisian ecru?

Which color were you sniffing when you
decided I was gonna paint your house?

Well, according to the
Tenants' Rights Hotline,

it is customary for the landlord
to repaint every two years.

We've only owned
the property for a week.

Well, it's not my fault the previous
owners didn't keep the property up.

Why are you doing this?
Why am I doing what?

Why am I standing
up for my rights?

Why am I not letting
"the man" stick it to me?

I'm not "the man," and
I'm not sticking it to you!

And there is no way that Van
and I are gonna pay for upgrades...

like wallpaper and paint and...

Are you redoing the floor? Yes.

I am making a necessary repair.

There's a nick behind the couch.

So you have a nick? And you
want me to replace the whole floor?

Yeah. It's a hazard.
Henry could snag a sock.

Anything could happen. I
mean, someone could die.

That's it, Barbra Jean! No
floor! No paint! No nothing!

And if you ever pay
me with a sack of dimes,

I will tie that to your feet and throw
you in the lake! Do you understand me?

You better watch it, because I still got
some dimes and I... Oh, God! Ow! My ankle!

Oh, Barbra Jean. Are you
okay? Should I call a doctor?

[Grunting] Yeah.

But first call a lawyer,
'cause I'm suing you.

I'm so weak. [Thud]

Hey, when those whiny renters
get back from the hospital,

can you make sure and tell them
that I took care of their petty complaints?

And I did it myself. And I
saved a few bucks by doing it.

Licensed plumber, my butt.

Plumber butt.

"Just say no to crack."

Van, you don't know
anything about plumbing.

I don't know anything about
gas, either, but I fixed the furnace.

Those people are
trouble. I say we evict them.

Van, that's my father
you're talking about.

It's all about the poor
tenants, isn't it? Right. Yeah.

Nobody ever thinks
about the fat cat landlord,

do they?

I'm gonna go get a
beer and some fudge.

[Grunting, Gasping]

Hello, Reba.

I'm fine. They may
have to amputate.

But, you know, I can always get a
license plate that says "STUMPY."

Barbra Jean, the doctor
said it was a sprain.

He said it was the kind of sprain
he saw all the time... in 'Nam.

You know, Barbra Jean, so
Mom isn't the best landlord.

I mean, seriously, if
Van and I had to pay

rent, we would have
moved out a long time ago.

Thank you, honey. Uh-huh.

Look, Barbra Jean, I know you came over
here to make me feel guilty, but I don't.

I'm sorry you're hurt,
but it wasn't my fault.

Well, it isn't up to me to determine
who is or isn't at fault, Reba.

That is for the judge to
decide. Here's your subpoena.

I brought it to you myself because I
just know how much you love paperwork.

Oh, and while
you're eating crow,

try not to get
any on that shirt,

because I plan to take
it right off your back.

Good one!

And I got one word for
you, Barbra Jean... "Letitgo"!

Mrs. H, guess what. What?

I hired a private detective
to dig up dirt on Barbra Jean.

This baby is loaded with
character deformation.

- You mean "defamation."
- I mean both.

This lawsuit's ridiculous.

I mean, if she's gonna
sue me for hurting

her, I wish I could get
one more crack at it.

Mrs. H, there's no
way she's gonna win.

We have a secret
weapon in the arsenal.

Do you know Barbra Jean has
been arrested for public indecency...

three times?

Oh-h*!

Oh, great. Now you've
ruined Oktoberfest for me.

Sorry we're late.

We would've been here sooner,

except I can barely walk
on my nearly broken leg.

Well, if you're really suffering,
we could always put you down.

Makes fun of cripples.
Write that down.

Let's just stick to this case
for the time being, shall we?

Mrs. Hart, Barbra Jean's lawsuit
alleges that neglectful conduct...

has led to the severe
sprain of her ankle,

affected her time with her child and
led to the demise of her wifely duties.

What does that mean?

It means we're gonna be getting
a thank-you letter from Brock.

It's time for my
pain medication.

Why don't you write down that
I'm also now addicted to painkillers?

Not for the first time.
Right, Barbra Jean?

Are you Reba Hart's lawyer?

I'm Van Montgomery,
co-owner of the alleged property,

which we graciously allowed this
deadbeat renter to continue living in.

She would have been out
on the street if it weren't for us.

Not for the first time.

Right, Barbra Jean?

You are not named in the
lawsuit, Mr. Montgomery.

Mrs. Hart is only
suing Mrs. Hart.

What? That's not fair!

Life's not fair, Mrs. H. You're
on your own. Bye, guys.

Van!

All right. Let's get into
this. What is your full name?

- Reba Nell Hart.
- And what's your date of birth?

- December the 12th.
- 19...

"19-none of your
business." Move on.

And, um, what are your
feelings towards Barbra Jean?

What are my feelings? What's
that got to do with this case?

I have no idea. Barbra Jean
gave me this list of questions.

Can't we use my
questions now? No!

Question 21. [Grunts]

Have you had it in for Barbra Jean
ever since she stole your husband,

so that when you saw the
chance to buy her house

and cause her financial
ruin and humiliation,

you did it gleefully?

What? No! That's
a crazy question!

It is not a crazy question...
Just like Question 43.

Do you sit in your
house, which you own,

and happily toast your
superiority with champagne...

that you bought with
Barbra Jean's rent money?

Okay.

First of all, when I'm sitting alone
in my home thinking about you,

I'm drinkin' hard liquor!

Oh!

And second of all, do you
really think I could do that?

Yes. Because the only reason you bought
our house was to humiliate and punish me.

- You asked me to buy it!
- Is that true?

Yeah. You didn't tell me that.

Maybe I should just take the bar exam
for you, too, cowboy, huh? How 'bout that?

Yeah. I asked you, Reba,
because we needed your help.

But you... you just saw it as a
chance to swoop in like a vulture...

and feast on the dead
carcass of our financial ruin!

I have no interest in
feasting on your carcass.

You made me sign a lease.

Do you have any idea
how that made me feel?

Sheltered? Safe?

Terrible.

Like I was just a... A
rent check, a dollar sign,

instead of the woman who stole your
husband and became your best friend.

Barbra Jean,
take my word for it.

My feelings for you
have not changed.

Really?

Yes! I bought the house so you
wouldn't be thrown out on the street.

And I made you sign a lease so
there would be no misunderstandings...

to get into the way of our...

Love for each other? Whatever.

So... So you really
felt bad for us?

How could I not
feel bad for you?

I mean, you're in such
a... a financial hole...

that you might never,
ever get out of it.

As much as I'd like to revel in
that, I hate to see you suffer like this.

Really?

So when I hurt, you hurt?

If you don't move your
hand, you're gonna hurt.

Oh, Reba, I can't sue you.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.

Oh, Reba, you are a
dear, sweet woman.

Oh, whatever. And you know what?

I'm just so happy that I could
dance in the streets naked!

Not for the first time.

Right, Barbra Jean?

How did you get that? Oh,
God. I thought I burned them.

Oh, God!

Van. Van. Please,
Van. Where'd you get...

[Groaning] Oh, God!

I was so young,
Van. Really. Oh, God!

Hey!

Wait a minute. Now
I remember you!

Acme! [Coughing]