04x10 - No Boys Upstairs

[bunniefuu]

Cheyenne, we're gonna be in denver for
two days. How much stuff did you pack?

Well, I need it because I
dress according to my mood.

Feels like you're
gonna be awfully moody.

Don't make me pack my
angry clothes. Not sexy.

Mom, thank you so much for
watching elizabeth this weekend.

You're welcome. But when you get
back, you need to take her to preschool.

The teachers are startin'
to think she's mine. Hmm.

At your age, mrs. H?

Hey, thanks for watchin' her.

Uh, I better get
these out to the car.

I don't wanna miss our plane. I am
so excited about going to denver.

Oh, you are gonna love
my apartment. I know!

Reba, big news. Kyra's coming over
any second to tell you she met a boy.

I know. Now, she told
me not to tell you,

But I had to tell you
because she met a boy!

Anyway, she's gonna ask you
something, but I already said no.

So back me up,
okay? [door opens]

So the penguin says
to the bartender,

"This is my most casual outfit."

[Forced laugh]

Barbra jean, did you run
over here to beat me to mom?

No!

Okay, knock it off.
So you met a boy.

Yeah. His name is chip. He's really
cute and really nice and supersmart.

He sounds great. Yeah,
but here's the deal.

- Problem is, I can't see him.
- And it's not because
they're from different worlds.

You know, like... Like
danny and sandy in grease.

She's all, like...
[Australian accent] "danny."

And he's, like... [Brooklyn accent]
"well, I don't know, sandy.

Maybe there's two danny
zukos in the phone book"...

No. It's the way you guys
have set up the rules.

I'm not allowed to be with a boy alone in
the house, and you guys are never home.

Oh, I see. So I was hoping
you'd change them.

Hold on to that hope. It'll help
you through the tough times.

That's what I told
her. Too bad. So sad.

Mom, I could've
not said anything...

And just snuck around
to see him, but I didn't.

- I came to you guys first.
- You mean second.

She was listening on the phone.

Well, she's hoggin' the phone,
and I was tryin' to call my friends.

Mom, haven't I always been responsible? I
mean, doesn't that count for something?

[Sighs]

Well, you got a good point.

Okay, you can bring your
boyfriend here after school.

But there is one rule
that's not up for debate,

And it's the same rule
your grandma gave me.

No boys upstairs, and no
hanky-panky downstairs.

Grandma said "hanky-panky"?

Actually, she said something else
that I'm not comfortable repeating.

Thanks, mom. Yeah.

You're welcome.

You're welcome from
the both of us. Okay.

Bye-bye.

You need to skip
to my loo, my darlin'.

A girl her age cannot
be trusted with a boy.

he'll say she looks
pretty. She'll blush.

And the next thing you know,
she's in the backseat of his b-210...

Parked underneath
the water tower.

Kyra is my daughter, and I trust
her. And I don't get a vote in this?

You're a stepparent.
You get half a vote.

So, everybody in
favor, say "aye." Aye!

Everybody opposed,
say "nay." Nay.

I win.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Oh, hey, kyra.
Sorry I can't talk.

I gotta run to the market
and get somethin' for dinner.

- If you wanna stay,
I'd love to have you.
- Sure. Can chip stay too?

Is chip here? Oh,
I'd love to meet him.

Okay.

Mom, he's taken. Oh.

- Chip, this is my mom.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

How are you?

Well, at least he
wore nice underwear.

Kyra, can I see you in the
kitchen for a minute? Sure, mom.

Isn't he cute? Probably.
What's your guess?

He's so smart and so sweet.

And, mom, the best part, he's in a
band. Well, that is the best part.

Look, kyra, I've
changed my mind.

I don't feel comfortable with chip coming
over here after school unsupervised.

What? You just said
this morning that I could.

Yeah, you know, but in order
for a boy to date my daughter,

I have to be able to
pick him out of a lineup.

You said you trusted me. I
know, but I have to trust him too.

Why doesn't he say anything?
That's just not polite.

- Chip's shy.
- shy?

Yeah. You know, jails
are full of shy boys.

You're just judging
him on his looks.

Don't blame me. You're the
one that let me see him. Mom.

Okay. Okay, fine. He can stay.

Where are you going? In the
living room with willie nelson here.

- i thought you were going
to the market?
- nah, I don't need to.

- Then what are we gonna have
for dinner?
- Uh, gum and cheetos.

okay, fine. Give me my coupons.

Forgot my keys. Notice
how unexpected that was?

I do that a lot, you know...
Just pop in unexpected-like.

So I'll see ya.
Or maybe I won't.

And that was the
elevator to my apartment.

This is the hallway to my
apartment. Oh, this thing's great.

You put an empty can of anything
on this. The next day... Gone.

And this is the door
to my apartment.

And this...

Is my apartment.

Oh!

Well, isn't it great?

Well, it totally matches
the hallway and the elevator.

Come on. Check this out.

Huh?

[murmuring] huh?

I can sit here and watch tv.

I can sit here and watch tv.

Uh-oh. I'm a little thirsty.

I hope I can see the
tv from the kitchen.

I can! I can. I can see the
tv from the bathroom...

If I leave the door open
and angle the mirror.

It scared the heck
out of the maid once.

Well, you haven't gotten much
chance to do decorating, have ya?

Are you kiddin'? Look.

They had the fire-evacuation
plan in this frame, but I chucked it.

So do you like the
place? I think I'm going to.

It's weird. Every time I
talk to you on the phone,

I picture what this
place is gonna look like.

And, well, now I
know. It's like this.

You know, when I talk
to you on the phone,

I'm usually nude.

Yeah. Yeah, you tell
me that every time.

Van, those curtains
close, right?

Well, lookit there.

Curtains.

So, you wanna see the bedroom?

Well, don't you
need to practice?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Daddy needs a
little practice. Okay.

Aw, sh**t! Football practice.

I gotta go. All right,
we'll finish the tour later.

- I think I'm gonna
straighten up a little bit.
- No, no, don't! Just relax.

If you're hungry, there's
cereal, but the prizes are gone.

When I come back, we'll
go out and see denver, or...

Finish the tour?

I love you so much.
I love you too.

Oh, hey, and if you drink a
can of soda, put it out here.

And you... You can
watch tv from here.

Oh, that was ridiculous.
One hour in the express lane.

Mom, I got my own problems.

I wanna watch pokémon, and kyra and her
friend are hogging the living room again.

I'm sorry, honey, but
they have to be in there.

Why can't they just
go back upstairs?

- Did you say "back upstairs"?
- Yeah. They were in kyra's room
for, like, an hour.

Now they won't let me
downstairs while pokémon's on.

- Jake, are you sure?
- I think I know
when pokémon's on.

She is in big trouble. Wait!
Wait! You can't tell her I told you.

Why? She broke the rules.
She has to be punished.

She'll be mean to me.
Last time I tattled on her,

She drew hair under my armpits
with a marker while I was sleeping.

Okay. I won't tell
her it was you.

Did she draw the mustache on
you last week? No. That was me.

I got my eye on this
girl in the eighth grade.

Okay, kyra, playdate's over.

- What?
- You heard me. He didn't, but you did.

Okay.

Well, chip, I guess
I'll call you later.

Sorry about my mom. This is one of
those things I was telling you about.

- What was that all about?
- I think you know.

- That you don't keep promises?
- Remember the rules
we talked about?

Yeah. Pretty easy to understand.

I guess. Yeah. Did
you break the rules?

No. [Chuckles]

Maybe I wasn't clear. Did
you go upstairs with that boy?

Oh, that is clear. No.

Kyra, I want you to
tell me the truth.

Okay. Look me right in the eye.

Okay. Did you go
upstairs with that boy?

No. Ooh! Look, I know
somethin' you don't know I know.

So given I know it,
you should tell me.

Okay. Do you have
somethin' to tell me?

No. Ooh!

Ooh!

Mom, I don't lie to
you. You know me.

The kyra I know wouldn't
bring a boy home...

That "a," is in a band, and
"b," looks like he's in a band!

He's nice.

I don't know that. I don't
even know if he has a face.

You're grounded.

I don't want you to
ever see him again.

That's so unfair! I didn't
do anything wrong!

- Why do you treat me like this?
- Tell willie to write
a song about it!

And she lied about it, so I grounded her.
I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I think we should k*ll the boy.

You wouldn't get away with it.

I don't know. This is texas.

I'm pretty sure he'd
never see it comin'.

Quick question. When
you grounded her,

Was it just for your house,
or was it for all our houses?

All of ours. Yeah, see,
there's the rub, yeah.

You want me to punish
her for somethin' I

Would have never
allowed in the first place.

You invited the boy over.

I mean, why not just put on some soft music
and give 'em a nice bottle of chianti?

Barbra jean, let it go.
Reba, I tried to warn you.

Teenagers are just
adults with energy.

You know, as kyra's father, I think
I should have been included in this.

- Oh, yeah? What would you have done?
- I don't know.

Maybe I would have
gotten some of my golf

Buddies together and
thrown a scare into the boy.

Yeah. The sight of four
middle-aged men in plaid...

Speeding up the driveway in a
golf cart would scare off anybody.

Man, something smells
like sh... Cheyenne!

- You're cooking.
- Yep. I've been
busy, busy, busy.

van, what do you
think about the place?

Hey, look at that.

[giggles] pink.

- Uh-huh.
- Lavender.

And whatever that color is.

Just a little touch of home.

Little? Is there
anything left at home?

Well, the apartment
was just so boring before.

It didn't make a statement of
who you are, and now it does.

Oh, it sure does. But
unfortunately, that statement is,

[High-pitched voice]
"I'm cheyenne."

No, it's not. This isn't just my
stuff. This is our stuff, honey.

Well, I don't know
if you realize this,

But most of the stuff
at home is your stuff.

- That is so not true.
- You have teddy bears
on your bed.

Well, guess what? You have
teddy bears on your bed now too.

[Chuckles]

[sobbing hysterically] no!

Cheyenne, I cannot have
teddy bears on my bed.

I'm a professional
football player.

Van, I cannot believe that
you are making such a big deal...

About just a few
decorating things.

A few decorat... It looks
like I live in a candle store!

Cheyenne, I liked it
better the way it was.

Well, I like it better this way.

Yeah, but, see, cheyenne,
you don't live here.

It's true, cheyenne.

You don't live here. i do.

I should've known you'd come here
and try to cheyenne up the place.

Why would you say
that? I don't do that, van.

[Scoffs]

What is that? What is that?

Well, I am sorry
that I didn't react...

The way you wanted to
your precious apartment.

How... How did you
want me to react, van?

Well, I wanted you to like it.

Well, I wanted to
like it, too, but I didn't.

So I added some stuff.

Well, I don't need stuff
for it to feel like home.

No one does, expect
maybe elton john.

All I need is that... That
picture right there.

i can sit on this couch for hours
looking at that picture during commercials.

And when I do, it is home.

I can't believe I'm gonna say
this, but I understand that.

How about before I leave,
I'll take all this stuff down?

Nah, don't worry.

As soon as you leave, I'm gonna put all
this stuff out on the table in the hallway.

Hey, I'm starving. Let's go get
something to eat. No, I'm cooking.

I know.

Hey, jake, what you watchin'?
The weather channel.

More rain for brazil.

Listen, honey, I know it was pretty
scary telling me about your sister,

But tellin' the truth
is very important.

So I got you this. [Beeping]

Wow! A game boy s.p.!
Where'd you get it?

Well, I got it for your
grandma for her birthday,

But she kept tryin' to
use it to make phone calls.

Well, kyra called me a crybaby.

Who's cryin' now?
What do you mean?

Well, I really wanted to come
downstairs and hang out with them,

But she said get lost
and called me a baby.

I thought you said she
called you a crybaby?

Yeah, 'cause then
I started to cry.

Oh.

Jake, I thought you said they were
upstairs and you were downstairs?

Uh, you were mistaken.

Hmm.

Was that before or after chip and
kyra locked you in your bedroom?

After.

That's interesting,
'cause you didn't say

Anything about them
locking you in your bedroom.

I just made that up.

Uh... Mom, please. I'm tryin'
to concentrate on something.

Jake mitchell hart,
are you lyin' to me?

No.

Did you lie about your
sister and chip bein' upstairs?

Yes! Nobody mocks me
and gets away with it!

So did that boy
even go upstairs?

No. And I didn't
know he was a boy.

I thought he was an ugly girl.

You are in big trouble, mister.

No tv, no dessert,

And grandma gets
her cell phone back.

Hi.

I don't know if you've heard,
but there's more rain for brazil.

So I got a funny
little story to tell ya.

[Sighs] turns out that...

I got some unreliable
information from my mole.

In other words, I wasn't lying.

Yes.

So your grounding is off.

And because I'm a big enough
person to admit I was wrong,

You can't be mad at me.

Gee. Then
everything's all better.

Kyra, I am so sorry.

Honey, when you have a child,

You try very hard to
teach it good values.

And then one day you blink,
and they're all grown up,

And you think to yourself,
did I teach 'em enough?

Did I do a good job? Yes, you did
a good job. You should trust me.

Honey, decisions about
dating are adult decisions.

And as much as I love
you and trust you...

And as smart as you are, you're
still just a 15-year-old girl.

I make bad
decisions, and I'm 29.

I looked you straight in the eye and
told you the truth over and over again,

But you didn't believe me.

I know that now. I'm sorry.

Wish there was a way I could
make it up to you. Yeah, me too.

Jake was the mole.

What?

He's at the house.
Knock yourself out.

acme! [Coughing]