04x07 - All Fore One

[bunniefuu]

And then daddy snagged
the ball out of the air.

And then he zigged.
And then he zagged.

And then he zagged again to get away
from the defense, and he scored! Touchdown!

And daddy was
gonna spike the ball,

But he kissed it... [Babbles]
because he loved it so much.

Okay. Football's
over. It is nap time.

Oh, you said if I stopped
being crabby, no nap.

I meant elizabeth.

Come on, cheyenne. I just got home,
and I want to play with her some more.

Well, play on the way upstairs.

Okay, elizabeth. It's time
for the halftime show.

♪♪ [imitating marching band]

Yeah, that'll calm
her down for her nap.

- Hey, reba.
- Hey.

I brought you a little
something. ♪♪ [Trumpets]

[Laughs] straight from
brock's dental practice.

It's a little something we
like to call your 20% share...

Of the monthly profits.

Where's the rest of it?

Yeah, that's why
I didn't mail it.

I'd have to deduct the price of
the stamp, and you'd owe me money.

Oh, lord, it is funny how brock's
practice is making so little money.

No, it's not. He's taking too much
time off to chase his "pro golf" dream,

And he's running his dental
practice into the ground.

Amen to that, reverend.

He needs to make a decision
what he's gonna do. Sing it, sister.

One or the other...
Golf or dentistry.

You can put mustard
on that and eat it.

So, are you gonna talk to him?

Oh, no way. [Chuckles]

Talkin' to brock about how I feel
would be exactly the wrong thing to do.

Why? Reba, our relationship...

Is in a very delicate
place right now.

We've only been in
therapy a short time, and

The last thing I want
to do is pressure him.

Actually, the last thing I want
to do is go over to the mall...

With the back of my dress
tucked into my panty hose.

[Scoffs] stupid kids with those
phones that take pictures!

Well, then if you're not gonna talk any
sense into your husband, I guess I will.

You can dip that in batter, put a
stick in it and sell it at the state fair.

How many carnies did you date?

Five.

And a half, but he
was a little person!

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Oh, you suck, hart.

Hey, reba. How's it goin'?

Look at this. Doesn't
this embarrass you?

No. Barbra jean's the one who
picked out the little ducky pattern.

The amount. Yeah, yeah. I know.

It's just that I've been spending a
lot of time practicing my putting.

Oh, for the love of meat loaf.

I don't play the game, but
you want it to go in, right?

[Chuckles] what's your point?

Quit this "pro golf" deal.

Go back to being a full-time
dentist. I can't give up golf now.

I'm in the middle of a
tournament. Yeah, how's it goin'?

I'm hanging in there.
You know, as usual.

God.

Really? The best you've
ever done in a tournament...

Is mr. Congeniality.

You know what? It's not
easy juggling two careers.

When I'm out on the golf course,
I should be thinking about golf.

Instead, I'm worried about if I have
fresh magazines in the waiting room.

That's the point, brock.
Your head's in two places.

Three if you count
where I think it is.

You've got to make a choice before
this business is completely worthless!

For your information, reba, a dentist
in the building wants to buy my practice.

Yes, that's right. He's
already made an offer.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, then I changed my mind.
You're a great golfer. Take the money.

It's not that great an offer.
More reason to jump on it...

Before this practice
becomes a ghost town.

I tell you what. Between tournaments, I'll
spend more time working on the practice.

No, brock. It doesn't
work that way.

You have to make a choice
to be a golfer or a dentist.

Maybe I should make a decision.
I don't know. I just can't decide.

Brock, remember when you wanted
to grow muttonchops and a fu manchu,

But you couldn't decide which one
to grow, so you just grew both of 'em?

Ah. The fu man chops.

You looked ridiculous. And
I have pictures to prove it.

So if you don't decide
what you're gonna be,

I'm gonna take a half-page
ad out in the newspaper,

And I'm gonna put
that picture in it.

I'll think about it, okay?
No, don't think about it.

Don't give yourself an out.

Commit. Commit to
something! Just commit!

Hey, you know what? You go
ahead and run that picture,

'Cause I looked good, sister.

[van] where are you?

Where's daddy's little girl?

Daddy's coming to
get you! Yes, I am!

And you wonder why she's hiding.

I've been playing hide-and-seek
with her for, like, an hour.

She is great at this game.

She's at school.

- Morning, sweetie.
- Morning.

hey, what's this I hear about
elizabeth going to preschool?

- Yeah, that's right.
- So the rumors are true?

Van, I told you about it
on the phone last week.

What probably happened
was, out of habit, when

He heard the word
"school," he fell asleep.

What probably happened was, out of
habit... I know you are, but what am i?

You just said you were gonna
check out some preschools.

- You didn't say you were
gonna sign her up.
- Yes, I did.

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes when I'm
talking to you, I put the phone down.

So, from now on, do not say anything
important unless you hear me breathing.

And don't say anything to me...

Well, let's just
leave it at that.

I had to sign her up
right then, or else she

Would've been put
on this huge wait list.

Yeah, but what is
this place? Is it safe?

Does it have rusty play
equipment or slides...

Or poison arsenic-treated wood?

- Hmm?
- Arsenic wood?

Uh-huh. I saw a
report on the news.

Or I imagined it. But the
point is, I don't like this.

Van, you are just
being difficult.

Yes, I am. I'm only
home for a little while,

And I don't get to
see her enough as it is.

Besides, next thing you know,
she'll be readin' and writin',

And she'll never
come back to the tribe.

[Mock laughing]

[Cartoon playing, indistinct]

Jake, I said one
hour of tv a day.

One hour? Can I make it
desperate housewives?

Go upstairs and
do your homework.

Can't watch tv? Every kid
in the world watches tv.

I'm some sort of giant
freak. That's what I am.

Hey, reba. Can you talk?

Yes. Wait. No.

Oh, I can't decide.

Frustrating, isn't it?

I thought about what you said,

And I've decided to sell
the practice. Seriously?

Yeah. I called the guy this
morning. He's sending over papers.

Great! When do I get
my share of the money?

Soon, soon. You know, I
thought about what you said...

And made a commitment,
and everything changed.

I mean, I played great today.
I'm on top of the leader board!

Great! When do I get
my share of the money?

Don't you wanna hear
about how I birdied the

Last three holes to
grab a share of the lead?

No. I wanna hear about when I
get my share of the money! [Laughs]

Okay, okay. I get
it, I get it. Yeah.

I just wanted to say thanks,
reba. You are a genius.

Oh! I've never been
tested. But thank you.

Well, you're welcome. I'm
gonna head to the driving range...

And work on my interview skills.

"No, I'm not the
next tiger woods.

Why, there's only one tiger
woods. I am pretty good."

[Screams]

Don't do that!

How does someone
so big move so quiet?

I may be big, but
I move like a cat.

So, uh, did, uh... Did brock
tell you his decision?

Yes. But, seriously,
you're in heels.

You know, he said that...
That you talked him into it.

[Chuckles] you must be
very proud of yourself.

Well, let's see. I got
brock's life back on track,

I'm gonna make some money, and I've
discovered some fantastic fat-free cookies.

- I'd say my life's
doin' pretty good.
- Oh.

I'm, uh, really
glad to hear that.

Because you've ruined mine!

Talk about desperate housewives.

Okay, barbra jean,
what's goin' on?

Oh. Have you come to gloat?

To see how what you've done
has sucked the life out of me?

Like taking the fat out of these
cookies has sucked out the flavor?

- What have I done?
- Oh, no. No.

I'm not gonna get tricked into
having a rational discussion with you.

You always win those.

I'm just gonna stand here...

Until my pain shames
you into tears.

Behold the misery. [Sobs]

- Behold me leavin'.
- Hey!

Reba, get back here!

okay, okay, okay, fine. You've
suffered enough. We'll talk.

What's goin' on, barbra jean? I thought
you wanted brock to make a choice.

No! I wanted him to
quit playing golf!

But you didn't say that. Well,
of course I didn't say that.

If he thinks I pushed him
into giving up his dream,

He would resent me
for the rest of his life.

That's why I manipulated
you into confronting him.

That way he'd resent
you. You know, win-win.

Hey!

You did not manipulate me. Oh,
give yourself a shake, peaches.

The tiny check?
The friendly banter?

I knew you'd fly off the
handle, and it worked.

The puppet master had
control of the puppet.

But there was just one thing I
didn't count on. You are a bad puppet.

Look, I know at first none of us were
thrilled about brock's new career choice...

It wasn't a career choice,
reba. It was an escape.

You know, we used to
have a happy marriage,

Until one day he woke up and
realized that wasn't enough for him.

Well, as long as he is still
golfing, it means he's still searching.

And I can't feel secure again until
he's committed to henry and me.

Until we're enough
to make him happy.

Thanks to you, that's
never gonna happen.

Hey, that's not my fault.

I never said that I was
gonna make him quit.

I said I was going to try to
get him to make a decision.

What's with the legalese?

It's not legalese.
It's the truth.

No. Reba, the truth is my
marriage is probably over...

Because you couldn't
submit to my will.

Yeah, well, I never
asked to be a puppet!

I wanna be a real boy!

He built a small house
called a cocoon...

[continues, indistinct]
[muffled] hey, cheyenne.

I'm hooked on phonics.

pushed his way
out, and he was...

A beautiful butterfly.

okay, everybody, let's follow
miss jeannie out to the recess area.

[Children] yea!

I wanna go on the monkey bars.

Van, isn't this nice?

[Laughs]

Hi, cheyenne. Hi, miss laurie.

This is my husband, van.

Hi, miss laurie. You know, we were
gonna decorate our room like this.

It's so nice to
finally meet you.

You know, elizabeth talks
about you all the time.

She always says, "daddy's
away at 'marina' football."

- It's so cute.
- Oh, I play arena football.

That's probably why she
says that. She's just a kid.

- She gets her words
mixed up, you know.
- Yeah, I got that.

We just wanted to come by so
van could feel more comfortable...

- Where elizabeth is
while he's away.
- I'm glad you did. Here.

What's this? Oh, elizabeth
drew it last week.

Aw. It's "daddy on a plane."

Maybe you can take
it to denver with you.

What was the assignment?

"Draw a picture that sticks
a knife in daddy's heart"?

No, I believe it
was, "use blue."

Could you excuse
us for a minute?

Sure. You know, when
the kids get emotional,

I let them take a juice
box from the refrigerator.

Thanks, miss laurie.

Van, why are you acting
all sad all of a sudden?

I'm a terrible father, cheyenne.

- No, you're not. You're a great father.
- Mmm. I should be here.

I should be sitting here
watching her every day...

And enjoying one of
these delicious juice boxes.

But I'm not. I'm in
denver. You know why?

Because I'm selfish.
I'm a selfish, evil toad.

[Scoffs] you are in
denver, yes, van,

But it's because it's your job.

Yeah, my job as a
selfish, evil toad.

Honey, stop. Even if you weren't in
denver, you wouldn't be here every day.

You'd be at some other
job you had around here.

Oh, another job around here? Are
they hiring for selfish, evil toads?

Honey, don't you realize
that, because you're gone a lot,

The times that you are home are
that much more special to her?

She looks forward to it for
days before you get here...

And talks about it for
days after you're gone.

You're like christmas
to her every week.

I'm like christmas?

Like christmas and
halloween all combined,

With a little fourth
of july mixed in there.

Sweetie, you could not
be more special to her.

Thanks, cheyenne.
I love you so much.

I love you too.

You wanna go in the supply room?

I hope this is okay, but elizabeth
wants you to come outside...

So all her friends can meet
her "marina football" daddy.

Aw. Let's go.

[Sobbing]

I think I'm gonna need
another juice box.

Barbra jean, are you
okay? I'm fine. Why?

Well, these used to
have a pattern on them.

You just seem a little tense.

I've never been more
relaxed. [plate cracks]

[Sputters] would
you look at that?

The water must've
softened it up. [Chuckles]

Hey, barbra jean. Kyra, can
you give us a minute, please?

Sure.

I'm not taking back anything
I said, reba. Barbra jean...

Okay, fine. I take
everything back.

I'm not mad at you.
I'm... I'm mad at my life.

How do you think
I feel? I'm in it.

I can't stay mad at
you. You know that.

My love for you is
almost unnatural.

Barbra jean, everything about
our relationship is unnatural.

What I came over to say was,

I'm sorry I didn't know
what you actually wanted.

I called a lawyer. You can't
sue me for being a bad puppet.

No. A divorce lawyer.

What? Yeah. I
almost called yours.

I figured he could just white out
your names on the form and type in mine.

But to be frank, I don't think
he got you a very good deal.

- Barbra jean,
I want you to listen to me.
- Okay.

I've said this to
you many times.

Listen very clearly.

You... Are... Crazy!

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No. It's... It's over, reba.

When he decided to go
to that tournament today,

It meant he's chosen to keep searching
for... For whatever it is he needs to find.

And I can't just sit around cracking
plates, hoping he'll come back.

Hey, guys. You will never believe
what happened at my golf tournament.

Oh, really? Was that today?

[plate cracks]

[Sputtering]

Yeah. Yeah, it was. And I won.

Well, congratulations.

Guess what I did today?

Oh, oh! Hang on, barbra jean.
Let's hear about brock's day.

- so you won?
- yeah.

Yeah, I played the best
round of golf in my life.

I beat the second-place
guy by six strokes.

Well, I hate to be the
one to burst your bubble,

But that doesn't guarantee
that you'll win the next time.

- I realize that.
- And even if you do, so what?

Do you know what a winner is?

It's just the guy who lost the
least. Do you ever think about that?

Um, no.

Well, here's something else.

Do you remember yesterday when I
came over to your office all "geniusy"?

Well, I hate to admit it, but
I'd had a couple of beers first.

- Reba,
he's made his choice.
- Has he?

And does he realize what
that choice could cost him?

Of course he doesn't. All
he ever thinks about is golf...

His little green mistress!

Well, you know what,
brock? She can have you.

You know, until one day,
you're driving to see her,

And a... And a bowling
alley catches your eye.

Just... Oh!

Barbra jean, I don't
think you understand.

Talk fast. You're
running out of plates.

I'm done, honey.
I'm quitting golf.

What?

Yeah. You know, I realized today
that I could be a professional golfer.

But what's it gonna cost
me and the people I love?

You take a look at what's happenin'
to van, living over in denver.

As great as that is for him, all he talks
about is how much he misses his family.

Oh. You...

Don't play me, blondie.

I am ready to blow.

Honey. Honey.

Honey, winning today
put me in a place...

Where I could clearly see what
I wanted, what's important to me.

And it's you. And it's
working on fixing our family.

Yech.

So, reba, I'm sorry, but I'm not
gonna be selling my practice.

Ah, that's okay. With my 50%,
I'll be catchin' up pretty quick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Reba, reba, hey.

- You only get 20%.
- Oh, no. Not after
I talk to my lawyer.

Word around town is I
got a pretty bad deal.

acme! [Coughing]