01x12 - Risk

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

keep digging men it must be in here

somewhere the

hell I forgot I even brought half this

stuff to school a care package from Mom

Eve

stroganov I'm sure it's still

fine my Nintendo Power Pad dance

aerobics and a copy of my self-published

graphic novel on the Vietnam

w*r H mom get down

here you can call off the search tell

the men we found it at last sir the

coveted risk board is

ours bad stroke

[Music]

enough

[Applause]

so come and talk to me on my computer

screen the best years of Our Lives

aren't as easy as they seem to get the

grow and make the great it's all a show

it's all a game and I would lose it if I

played but anyway you go out on Friday

night I'll stay in but that's all right

die you found to come

[Music]

my come on Jesse chill dude it's only an

ice cream cone correction it's a Ben

and& Jerry's free ice cream cone and

they do this only one day a year is

there something different about the

quad hello this weekend is the annual

state you springling Carnival Spring

Fling how come I've heard nothing about

this I don't know you've been walking

around blindfolded again no not since

the incident you're going right I hear

the fling's actually going to be cool

good Charlotte's coming to perform Good

Charlotte what have they done that I

might

[Music]

know what about the ice cream uh what

the what cream gray let's talk to the

ditsy

redhead um Kimmy I enjoy sucking and

blowing as much as the next guy but

wouldn't this be easier with a pump

that's a fantastic idea Mark take your

shirt

off hey

nits hi Kimmy hi so you guys psyched for

the fling I sure am I've been looking

forward to this thing for

weeks I volunteered to organize the

whole Carnival and run some of the boobs

and sing with my Acappella group and

milk the goats and rip the tickets at

the door and handle security and bring

potato salad it's just crazy maybe you

should double your

medication I'll put that on my to-do

list uh wow Kimmy sounds like you've

really got your hands full here oh good

so you'll help I need someone to run the

popcorn

booth

oh

[Music]

nck sure Kimmy whatever you need oh good

tomorrow noon nits popcorn Booth Jesse

what can I put you down for nothing and

then when things look their bleakest I

roll two sixes and won the day

incredible man is brilliant he's not a

man but a God please tell us sir in the

many years you battled for World Domin

ation how many glorious victories did

you collect uh well you see every game

i' get so worked up that I'd kamakazi

against nits which resulted in my own

demise and technically according to

their stupid backward little rules

wiping out your own forces doesn't count

as winning uh no sir that counts as

losing get him out of

here but that's all in the past

gentlemen this time I will be triumphant

over my enemies over nits with your help

it would be an honor to serve under you

you

[Music]

sir stupid alarm clock hey wait I don't

have an alarm clock damn it what the

hell's all that

racket what the hell's everyone doing up

so early it's 4: in the afternoon Rocco

are you kidding me I'm going back to bed

hold brother Rocco this weekend alpha

alpha is painting houses for the

homeless so get dressed and grab a

paintbrush let me just say that I am

appalled at all of you doing community

service goes against everything a

fraternity stands for in conclusion eat

me Roco being in a fraternity is not

just about booze and

babes

blasphemy what now hey Roco want to come

over for a game of Risk with the guys

tonight no fraking

where I mean yes ABS fraking lutely

excellent see what the r point my dorm

room 1800 hours over and out sorry

craigy I'm booked up with a little

community service on my own oh really

doing what playing board games with a

socially challenged Now That's What I

Call making a difference fine Rocko I'll

just need you to get this form sign to

prove you actually perform the service

yeah sure

whatever okay ladies get ready for a

little cow

juice hello Sante and lotion goodbye

melanoma cow baby I just know we're

going to have a blast together at the

fling hey cow's spending the weekend

with me not likely cow's mine

pretty ladies please there's plenty of

cow juice to go

around hello Cal come to my school we're

playing risk tonight good idea guy risk

means staying up all night and staying

up all night means means slumber party

and slumber party means pajamas where'd

Cal go I don't know where's my top two

for two this is going to be easier than

I thought and since nit has no social

life at College what are the odds of him

giving me a problem sorry I've

already got plans to help Kimmy Burton

at the fling this weekend but nits

you've never missed a RIS game in all

the time we've known each other we can't

play without you I can't play without

you yay hey guy we're playing risk what

pajamas are you going to wear guy oh

this is going to kick a*s it'll be just

like cool times I a rist board you want

to play me I talk like this all right

fine I'll play just as long as you

promise me the game will be over by

tomorrow

morning God he drives me crazy Miss will

just drop everything for that redheaded

nut job and do every little favor she

asks him it's really pathetic and he

doesn't even get any of that

redheaded yeah I heard

that hey guys Jesse I have a favor to

ask you what's up I'm going to play risk

with the guys but I need to be back by

noon tomorrow and it's not that I don't

trust gimpy to let me leave but I don't

trust gimpy so as a backup plan I need

you to come rescue me from techers and

if I don't show up by tomorrow morning

okay yeah sure cool

thanks don't you hate how Jesse always

drops everything for Nets and does every

little favor he asks yeah it's really

pathetic shut up

[Music]

Dan all right gentlemen you know nits

always tries to ditch out of the game

early so it's our job to keep him here

luckily I have a plan first we're going

to go then we're going to do this dude

why are you Whispering I don't

know okay let's get going here I don't

really care what color I am well I got

to be Black Death fine I'll be red death

it won't matter because I always win

what the hell are you talking about

Gimpy you always k*ll yourself I won

every games since seventh grade no

you're both wrong I usually kick all

your sorry asses I win too guys guys how

do we play again H Cal we go through

this every time risk is a game of global

domination launch attacks and defend

your territories by Rolling six-sided

dice Whoever has the highest dice roll

wins the loser loses an army the second

highest dice are matched up and whoever

has the second highest dice wins the

loser loses an army claim the territory

and move your troops receive a card at

the end of your turn trade a match set

of three for additional armies I'm going

to be the banker guys where do I put up

my

hotels okay I got it good choice in

color sir we've analyzed 87,3 42 games

of risk and the player who plays Red

wins 29.8% of the time excellent the

first battle has already been won now

ens sure I win the w*r affirmative

[Music]

[Music]

sir

cotton candy check front gate second

shift on its way bear tip only serve

students with red

wristbands this cough syrup isn't strong

enough for the morning what's that time

to take another birth control pill like

you'll ever need to know it's time to

rescue

nits this time remember to wipe out of

his a*s before you

him this disco

[Music]

girl that's weird I think the wall clock

has stopped that is

weird come on let's speed it up Rocco

and stop hiding rist cards shut up I'm

thinking brilliant plan thank you sir it

was Admiral abars I should have

suspected only one who defeated the

awesome Firepower of the Death Star

could have gimpy who are you talking to

uh to myself I'm a paranoid

schizophrenic I'm happy for both of you

now make your move nits what's the

matter got to be somewhere you know I do

you all know I do that's why you're

stalling dude every time we play Risk

you always got something else to do like

that time in eighth grade come on gimpy

hurry it up I have to help Kimmy Burton

run a bake

sale wow that was weird were you guys

just thinking what I was thinking uh I

don't know were you thinking about n's

mom wow yeah I was Guy that's

amazing Kimmy Good Charlotte arriv they

want to know where to set up their

instruments uh Kim we need help porta's

overflowing hey stop get back in

line where's Cal he was supposed to meet

me here Cal juice Take Me Away where's

my top I don't own anything else Rocco

you're the weakest man I take you out

and victory will soon be mine F then I

can get the hell out of here that's

right pick on the little guy let's go

[Music]

punk damn it I hate this game H Roco why

don't you hang and keep nits company

until the game is over yeah sure can I

fiddle around with your toys and comic

books and crap they are not toys they

are collector's items what about this

teddy bear that's

snuck hey nits girl Alert security has

been breeded

Jesse what a surprise yeah big surprise

nit the president has been shot and you

are the only one in the world with his

blood type oh my I must leave right away

so this is the big game huh how do you

guys play this thing anyway launch

attacks and defend your territories by

Rolling six-sided dice Whoever has the

highest dice roll wins the loser loses

an army the second ice dice are match up

and whoever's the second ice dice wins

the loser loses an army claim the

territory and move your troops receive a

card at the end of your turn trade a

match set of three for additional Army

global domination

cool um Jesse president blood dude you

control three continents you have a risk

set you could totally win this thing we

can't leave now

huh will Cal Evans please report to lost

and found for immediate sex Cal

Evans

where should we set up to sh**t the Good

Charlotte concert Kimmy there you are

we're singing our Acappella tribute to

Sticks in 2 minutes I'll be right there

mark and where's my bottled water I

specifically request a glacier with the

pop top and why did Jennifer Love hu at

leave me for that guy in

LFO all right I'm Michael

Jordan oh my

[Music]

God

H guys I'm

stuck nit your move okay here's my

move whoops oh no I guess this means the

game's over why'd you do that you could

have won don't worry luckily my men have

been monitoring the game they'll be able

to reconfigure the board mump reveal

yourself h what the hell gimpy you've

been

cheating come on Jesse let's go not

until the game is over yeah relax

Superman I'm sure Kimmy is getting along

just fine without you uh guys I can't

breathe oh Mickey you're so fine you're

soow my Hey Mickey Hey Mickey Kimmy time

for your

SW oh my God the popcorn boo is on fire

[Music]

you can't make me play you're right we

can't good glad that's settled good and

if you leave I win by default what I

control over half the world not if you

leave you forfeit your territories and

if you leave then you're not here guy n

just finish the game you think Kimmy

wants to date a wussy loser

come on Cal you and me will finish this

game like

men we both know nits was never going to

win

[Music]

anyway everyone stay calm don't panic

everything is under control I have

everything

under although authorities fear this

state you Spring Fling could turn into

another Woodstock 99 this onair

personality would like to think today's

youth hey there were batteries in that

mod this is a message to Cal evans's

kidnappers you know you're out there and

we know you're listening we beg you

please don't hurt him we'll pay any

amount of money we just want our little

cow back and my bikini top all right

I'll give you a game and this time it's

personal J

for that's great guy let's get it on

I'm attacking you in

um in Chinatown I don't have any armies

in China Cal you're in China oh then I'm

attacking myself in Chinatown dude the

only person in this game that Cal is a

threat to is

himself the sooner he's out of the game

the sooner you and the can duke it

out Cal is Expendable sir we suggest

forming an alliance with nit to wipe him

out an alliance with the Enemy you know

what they say Sir keep your friends

close and your enemies closer what movie

is that from

uh um just tell them it's Star Wars Star

Wars

[Music]

excellent hey what are you guys doing

nothing

oh it's all my fault I've ruined the

fling and let everyone down at least I

can hide back

here

[Music]

there's nothing more you can do gimpy

just fortify already I'm going I'm

going oh hey I think I just

accidentally deleted your hard drive

that's it Roco don't touch another thing

in this room sorry

jez

uh-oh you don't have any options here

looks like you're going to have to

attack gimpy and Greenland for a risk

card that would mean breaking our

alliance okay gimpy I'm attacking you in

Greenland what what about our alliance

we were going to have to break it sooner

or later but not until after we wiped

out cow wiped out who this is so like

you nits backstabber first you were

going to sell me out for Kimmy Burton

now you're going to sell me out to lady

MC Beth excuse me if I want to spend

time with Kimmy I've only had a crush on

her for 4 years yeah four years too many

excuse me it's true you completely

ignore everyone else well I don't want

anyone else your friends included you

never want to hang out with us anymore

it's always like this big chore for you

sorry if it's not fun for me to sit

around bickering and arguing with you

guys all weekend maybe I'm tired of it

well maybe I'm tired of feeling like the

odd man out all the time it's the same

way at my frat that's because you

alienate everybody Raco maybe if you

spent less time drinking and smashing

stuff I drink and I smash because I love

well it's annoying no it's annoying when

your friends guilt you into doing things

with them no it's annoying when someone

you care about always puts you second no

it's annoying when bugs fly in your nose

and then when you blow your nose you

have bucks in your

Bookers gimpy just roll the damn dice

fine you know what I want you to attack

me

roll

six beats four get the hell out of my

country that does it you are too

headstrong young gimpy I thought you'd

be used to losing by now sir take it

easy you wouldn't want to I'm

a

no that's

[Music]

[Applause]

it we can't

out

everyone if I could just have your

attention for a moment I wanted to

apologize

for right

[Applause]

for kamakazi kamakazi die n die

kamaki got you yeah you idiot you're

k*lling yourself too both be spread out

so thin that the only person left who

could possibly win would

be I am the greatest I'm the risk CH

hoay for

[Music]

everything found

to

[Music]

go I

don't I

don't how

Li get me the hell out of here take me

back to my simple beess celebrity life

in Time

Square oh Carson

[Music]

goodbye you want to play again next

weekend guys yes

doesn't look like we missed

much awesome fling kick a*s I lost the

contact lands hi Kimmy I'm so sorry I

didn't oh my God nits can you believe

how incredible everything turned out

sorry I didn't get a chance to see you

did you have a good time at the fling uh

I had a great time hey hey nits look guy

I'm famous like those guys on the

weedies boxes is it really you somebody

pinched me it's C oh my God thank God

yeah we didn't miss a

thing you can take me

anywhere you can take me

anywhere you can take me

anywhere you can take me

[Music]

anywhere sh la la la la

you

everywhere sh la la