01x03 - Virgins

[bunniefuu]

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so I think we should get back together

dumping you was a big mistake a big

big oh you're so freaking sexy you have

the roundest sweetest most incredible

Rocco why are you calling my daughter at

this hour do you have any idea what time

it is no do you whatever you have to

tell her can certainly wait until this

weekend when she's down there visiting

State you Mar hang up the phone hang up

Rocco are you high depends on what

you're wearing stop calling me and

leaving drunk messages on my machine

jackass what uh could you put your mom

back on the phone she sounded kind of

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sexy talk to me on my computer screen

the best years of Our Lives aren't as

easy as they seem to get the girl and

make the great it's all a show it's all

a game and I would lose it if I played

but anyway you go out on Friday night

I'll stay in but that's all right die

found to

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[Applause]

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come thanks for coming to the safe sex

floor meeting I'm super proud to see all

my residents take this issue as

seriously as I do your flyer stated

there would be chips and soda available

I highlighted the relevant sections look

everyone I made an ostrich hey nits you

accidentally dropped your safe sex

pamphlet and free condoms in the trash

oh did I thanks

Jesse God Betsy would Jonah like me

better if I wore thong underwear and put

out ew listen up homies the Doug's going

to WAP serious with you for a second

date r*pe is no laughing

matter oh Garfield how are you ever

going to eat that much lasagna peeps oh

sorry like I was saying date r*pe no

laughing matter to illustrate this point

here's a reenactment skit from Health

Services peace

out oh my God what's Roco doing here who

are you talking to well here we are

insert actress's name would you like to

come up to my room I don't know I don't

really know you you know I got a futon

and a b*ner what more do you need freeze

now what's going on here what should

Rocco I said freeze but I haven't even

cut the feel yet what kind of crappy

date r*pe is

this that was such a joke my mother

talks about sex more maturely and she

uses words like pee pee and Bunny hole n

what does

promiscuous mean people who sleep with

lots of people cow ah few guy good thing

I never slept with any of my lady

friends we just played a little game I

like to call unprotected

sex and here's the star of our show now

it's stupid idiot fired me why were you

even in that skit in the first place you

don't go to our school my ex is coming

to check out you so I need to find a

girl to make her jealous and I thought

that date r*pe sketching would be a good

way to meet

chicks Rocco had a girlfriend was she

mentally challenged or like a man or

something okay fine for the sake of

conversation let's say your ex wasn't a

total whack job why'd you break up it's

sort of

complicated uh I know it's prom and all

but I'm breaking up with you so I can

get late by tons of chicks when I go to

college

oh yeah happy

birthday hey guys what are you talking

about how Roco dumped his ex yeah how

dumb was that he'll never get late again

in his life H great news I've created a

program that allows me to hack into any

PC and install a Julian Anderson screen

saver

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watch sexy Miss Scully I wonder if she

ever had garia real great gimpy yeah

great if you're a freaking nerd hey

peeps super screen saver listen I've

read all the sex pamphlets thoroughly so

if you have any questions about what

you've heard tonight my door is always

open I got a question why are you such a

wad I do not see you I do not hear you I

will not let you get in the Doug's head

with your

bringdown yeah right like I would ask

the Douger anything about sex he's a

total

viid virgin in denial how do you know

come on you can tell someone's a virgin

just by looking at

them why aren't any of you looking at my

Scully screen saver look at it look at

it we've seen it gimpy but only with

your eyes and not your heart so uh you

want to have sex you tried that one

yesterday Einstein oh sorry all chicks

look alike to me Jesse doesn't know what

she's talking about you can't tell a

person is a virgin just by looking at

them I mean I don't look like a virgin

do I Cal spreads quickly leaving boy on

the p*nis boy I hope I

don't Kimmy what are you doing hi nits

oh I volunteer as a big sister to ined

kids twice a week today we're finger

painting my mommy shot my daddy cuz she

loves me m I also volunteered the Cancer

Ward amesty International the free

clinic green pece organization

Unice she's so pure and good don't you

see she's like the Virgin Kimmy dudes

stop talking all this virgin crap and

help me find a [ __ ] ah sorry lady no can

do what if you have something bad that

burns hello Cal bad me good sex you want

to

have Oh e I think he touched my arm let

me see if I understand no one cares

about my screen saber you're all content

to twing on for hours about this new

obsession you have with sex girls are

the enemy and OB story well not all

girls all girls even Rosie oon all girls

dude what about Scully agent Dana Scully

is a woman of Reason science and sharp

Armani suits she's a sterling example of

American Womanhood Untouchable by human

hands well except for molders the hell

yeah dude you know Moulder and Scully

totally do the nasty blasphemers you

will Ru the day you be smurged the

sanctity of Agent

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Scully free condoms what about free

self-restraint no one would have to wait

in line to pick up some free morals

would they talking loud is fun thanks

for coming to the health center with me

while I get tested best buddy yeah well

anything to stop you from quoting STD

pamphlets in your sleep as a general

rule we advise all patients not to have

sex until your test results come back

for a whole hour no for a couple of days

ah pH you scare me for a

second sorry I'm late but I've been

running around all day and this is

totally boring right anyway I'll take

1,000 condoms some lubricated some

unlubricated oh and the red are great oh

hi nits how are

youo

I what an idiot Kimmy's a virgin like me

how

stupid hey guy oh you're fast yeah not

as fast as Kimmy if she wants to behave

like a a indiscriminate B

but not me I'm going to show all the

kimmies of this world that I'm proud to

be a virgin yay me too I'm a virgin now

too

guys oh now you want my help the same

man who hours ago defame Scully the pure

come on [ __ ] my ex is coming this

weekend and I can't find a girl you're

smart I need you to think of something

tell you what I'll help you if you

promise to take back what you said about

Scully and allow me to broadcast your

attraction over the net fine fine

anything please sign an initial this

release form at the exit we'll order you

a bride online you can use her to make

your ex-girlfriend jealous then simply

return her to her w*r torn Eastern

European country within 7 days for a

complete refund hello my name is PETA

nabla my father mother brother and two

sisters have all been k*lled in the

fight for Liberation I enjoy cooking for

soldiers sewing up b*llet wounds and

walks before curfew dude she's hot I

want

her that'll be

$16,000 plus shipping and handling um do

they take minus Muffler points no Visa

Mastercard only damn oh well we tried

now if you'll stand over there I'll film

your ret

track you've forgotten one thing my

friend I've got a legally binding signed

contract here requiring you to perform

the services as

prom I need to have that bricked

up

Like a

Virgin hey touched for the very first

time like a

V with your

heartbe next to

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mine hi thanks for coming to our campus

support group for virgins uh I'm nit

Walsh and this is Cal Evans Hi

C you're so

fine and you're mine I'll be yours till

the end of time cuz you made me

feel yeah you made

me come in hi nits got a minute uh not

really I'm kind of busy I just wanted to

talk about the health center the other

day I saw saw you run out and I was late

for church that's all I was late for

church and you were picking up a kilo of

condoms there's nothing more to talk

about nits I work parttime at the health

center part of my job is to coordinate

safe sex presentations with the dorm

mares and advise students on their

sexual choices that's what I was picking

up the condoms for BL when I saw you run

out of the center I got the feeling that

you were embarrassed and you totally

shouldn't be BL no that's why I'm here

to set the record straight oh because

when two responsible caring people make

love it can be one of the most totally

amazing experiences ever do you know

what I'm trying to say yeah look I know

this is a lot of information to process

all at once and that's

okay and don't feel badly most guys

early on in their sexual lives don't

even know how to properly put on a

condom here let me show

you

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always start from the tip and gently

massage the cond down hey Buddy

Guy what happened where's Kimmy yeah she

left nice a*s guys I've got big news

Kimmy Burton came to my room and told me

she wants to have sex with me yay wait I

mean

boo I think you hit your head a little

too hard it's true she sat right here

and showed me how to properly put on a

condom where's the banana I ate it there

was a condom on

it but it does seem a little weird

doesn't it I mean a few months ago kimy

didn't even know my name now she

suddenly wants to have sex with me cuz

you would be an extra virginal it made

her realize she l loves you that is so

stupid you think a girl wants to sleep

with him because he's acting all

sensitive and hugging puppies and

wanting to talk about feelings oh my God

I love hugging puppies too hey aren't

you that creepy guy from those date rate

skits being extra virginal being extra

virginal shut up Cal's voice in my head

okay sorry guy hi I'm Rocco and

sensitivity training is my life did I

mention I'm a

virgin Kim me hi it's Kimmy Kimmy hi

it's Kimmy hi um let's do

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[Laughter]

it Kimmy hey it's nits oh hey nits I'm

glad you called I've been thinking about

you how you feeling uh fine sorry for

passing out the other day I was just

really tired yeah I know that feeling um

so I've been thinking about what you

were saying and I think I'm ready great

want to get together this weekend so

soon I'm working at the health center so

why don't you just come by there the

health center uh okay I guess that's

good uh see you

then holy

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crap so I told her it was the best apple

brown Betty I ever tasted and gave her a

daisy I grew in my garden oh my God

Rocco that is is so sweet I so admire a

guy who's close to his

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mother and Kimmy wants to meet at the

health center this weekend so quick Cal

tell me how to seduce a woman sorry guy

no can do I'm a virgin now I can't have

sex until I get married cuz I don't want

to burn in hell

dude whatever you do just don't be

yourself it's totally working for me got

to pick up my [ __ ] for another date nck

I'm sending you an audio file of a Chris

Carter interview on NPR where he

explicitly denies any caral relationship

between molder and Scully sorry [ __ ] got

to go I got to go find out about life

about women about what makes them tick

their likes and dislikes and how to make

sweet sweet love to them all night long

the

hell I k*ll you how to get a life how to

take a life ah here it is how to seduce

a

woman how to seduce a woman no way man

you on the skunk weed this isn't how you

do it bro well then how am I supposed to

learn just slide on over baby oh yeah

chocolate trouble sweet lady cane fists

of dynamite Lips Of Love s pencil and my

personal favorite black Jackson mother

don't you have tapes to rewind Whitey

look at those ancient cave drawings it's

amazing how man even in its most

primitive state will strive to leave his

indelible mark on the world and that

hairy chick she's really stacked I

suppose so in a very Earth mother giving

birth to the entire race sort of way wow

Rocco you are so deep do you want to buy

some Vanilla Fudge and read poetry to

each other only if I can braid your hair

afterwards Betsy it's finally happened I

have met the guy I always dreamed I

would meet at College he's so caring and

sensitive watch your a*s chocolate oh

what's the matter Tyrie you not manad

enough to watch it for

me I got your number blackjack ding now

serving 28 baby and one size does fit

all I ain't never seen that [ __ ] in my

life well maybe this will refresh your

memory sir p*mps salot oh yeah man that

chocolate sauce is nothing but sweet a*s

trouble oh yeah you can see that brother

you got that

right I'm so glad you felt like sitting

outside today Rocco it's such a

beautiful day and well I started

thinking about us uh uh uh-huh just uh

move right here these past few days have

been wonderful I feel so close to you

even closer than I felt to Jonah the day

he slapped me with that restraining

order there she is there's my ex ah

she's pretty guy C get out of my

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head

Rocco it's not like you to be so

aggressive uh I just uh I can't help

myself anymore because you're so

hot our first kiss now here I'm ready

charity who is the man that'll seduce

all the women with his seduction

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plan who is the cat that'll be having

Miss Kimmy all up on his Jimmy

next huh I won't let you do it best pal

guy I won't let you throw away your life

for sex move upside and let the man go

through okay watch out for DVDs guy hey

nits you made it things are crazy around

here so why don't we go somewhere with a

little more privacy you've read my mind

baby you have read my mind there's a

24-hour flu going around and we've been

swamp what are you

doing it's on

repeat yeah oh yeah I want to kiss you

all over nits are you feeling okay I

don't feel half as good as you look

excuse me you heard me woman don't try

and fight this this thing between us you

don't have to anymore kiss me Kimmy

Burton kiss me like I know you

can oh

Rocco no I can't this is

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wrong huh what are you talking about

you're so good and pure it's wrong of me

to force myself on you like this uh no

it isn't go ahead uh Force here you are

a sweet innocent virgin and I'm

practically accosting you no you're not

I'm not even a virgin what I just said

that to get in your pants how could you

you

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pig run

just as I

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expected oh my

God uh well I I I thought uh I nits that

was totally perfect you're like amazing

I am I had no idea you were so good I

can't wait to tell the ra group we've

got our new date race actor thank you so

much uh

H imagine that two people actually

having sex in the health center how

silly your test results are in Mr Evans

you're clean 100% disease

free thanks nurse lady thanks a whole

bunch all in all I'm pretty happy with

the way things turned out what are you

talking about you didn't get laid you

didn't even get close you sucked almost

as badly as I suck yeah but it's a step

in the right direction and a kiss on the

cheek from Kimmy Burton is worth a

thousand nights in the sack with any

other girl even yes Cal even Rosie

O'Donnell after days of researching

cross referencing being in the most

hardcore of Hardcore chat rooms seeing

things no man should ever see I have

proven that molder and Scully never

slept together not before not during not

after any of the xfiles episodes or

movies well what about in that episode

episode where Fox hooks up with Scully

on that ocean liner in that alternate

Dimension alternate Dimensions don't

count so much to me I wish that I could

make you see the way you wanted me to be

is just as easy as 1 2 three across the

world so far away I knew the worst to

make you stay of course it's what I did

say still I knew the words to make you

stay