02x13 - The Vasectomy

[bunniefuu]

There you go. Thanks.

Mom, joey gave me a turtle
yesterday. Can I keep him?

Oh, gee, jake, I don't know.
Turtles are kind of, uh...

- Violent?
- That's right, violent.

Turtles are very violent.

But speedy is easy
to take care of.

You won't even know he's here.

That's what cheyenne said
when she brought van home.

Please, mom?

Oh, all right. But you got to keep him in
your room, and I better not smell anything.

Hey, that's what I said when
cheyenne brought van home.

Haven't you heard of
a thing called privacy?

Other people need the bathroom,
cheyenne. What is the big deal?

You walked in on me, van. So? I've
watched you give birth to our daughter.

You can't do anything
grosser than that.

Hey, hey! No graphic talk in the
kitchen. Some of us are trying to eat.

Sorry. I will be in the unmentionable
place doing the unspeakable.

I need to get back there in exactly
three minutes, van! Cheyenne, are you okay?

Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I
be okay? I mean, don't I look okay?

Somebody's in a mood.

Shut up. I'm not in a
mood. One minute, van!

- Cheyenne, what's going on?
- Nothing. I just don't
feel well.

What kind of not well?

The kind of not well where
i-i might be pregnant, okay?

What? You're pregnant?

And I thought jake was pushing
it by bringing home a turtle.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

- [barbra jean] are they
back from the doctor yet?
- any minute.

How could this happen again, reba?
Wasn't somebody watching them?

Gee, I don't know, brock. We
took turns standing guard.

They must've done
it on a shift change.

Let's not panic. We're not
even sure she's pregnant.

The home test wasn't clear.

Besides, what's the
worst case scenario?

There's another
miracle on the way.

I hope barbra jean's church knows
not to make her a youth counselor.

Well, you know, I know van and
cheyenne's situation isn't ideal.

But who doesn't love babies?

I want to have three,
just like you did, reba.

And I hope all of
'em are 15-pounders.

- I'm not pregnant.
- Oh, yes! She said not!

is there any word that "not" sounds
better in front of than "pregnant"?

Well, I'm glad
everything worked out.

Although I must say, I was
starting to look forward...

To another baby in our midst.

She doesn't mean in "our" midst.

She's talking about, you know,
the greater houston area.

So, you're okay?
Everything turned out fine?

Absolutely, mom.
Yeah, just a little scare.

Well, that's a relief. 'Cause I want
you feeling your best when I do this.

Ow!

- Mom, calm down!
- A little scare?

How could this happen? You swore
to me you were using protection.

- We are!
- We are?

Yes, van, I'm on the pill.

- Oh. That's good.
- uh!

So, what? Did you forget to take it? I
mean, why else would you be worried?

Because! Look, I am positive
that I always took it.

But, eh, maybe one
time I forgot. I...

No, no, no. See,
you don't forget...

When there's an eight-month-old baby
in the crib next to you to remind you.

Uh, mrs. H, that's a little bit too
much responsibility for a baby.

[Mouthing words]

Mom, I am not pregnant,
so obviously I did remember.

Well, here's another way to
help you remember. Remember!

You know I resent that.
We are not children.

Yeah. You don't get to be
parents by being irresponsible.

Look, I've been supportive.

But I will not let you throw your lives and
the rest of this family into chaos again.

I will not let you make
the same mistake twice.

Wait a minute. Mistake?

Wait. Hold on. You can't
make that decision for us.

I mean, we-we could have a baby if we
want. We don't need your permission.

As long as you're under my roof, you can't
have a stick of gum without my permission.

You two will not have
another baby in my house.

[Angry sigh] I can't
believe she yelled at us.

We didn't even do
anything wrong that time.

Your mom cannot
tell us what to do.

We can have gum or
babies whenever we want.

So, my birthday's coming up.
Hope you haven't got my gift yet.

Of course I have. But if
there's something else you want,

Well, then, i-i'd just
be a gift ahead. [Chuckles]

Well, I'll tell you what
I don't want... A clock.

'Cause I already got
one, and it's going

Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, ding! Baby time!

How about a new car?
Would you like a new car?

I'd like a baby.

You mean something like
a baby, like golf shoes.

Honey, henry's almost a year
old. What are we waiting for?

Oh, baby, we've
got plenty of time.

You know, I was just reading about
a chinese woman who gave birth at 50.

Say, let's go out
for chinese tonight.

You said you
wanted a big family.

Yeah. And I've got one.
I've already got four kids.

I think I've hit my
quota. If I have any more,

The state should make
me throw some back.

Yeah, but... But I only got one.

I'm a gal with over 400 beanie
babies and only one real baby.

It's just... I'm tired.

Well, take a nap!

Well, that's not gonna help.

You know, the truth is, barbra jean,
I don't want to have any more kids.

Never? I'm sorry.

Well, then, I'm getting out
of here. Oh, barbra jean.

Oh, don't barbra
jean me! I can't spend

Another second with a
man who hates children!

Watch henry.

[knocking]

Oh, reba, brock and I had a
terrible fight. I need your help.

Is he in the trunk and
you need a shovel?

No. Then I pass.

Reba, this is serious.
My marriage is at stake.

Brock doesn't want
any more children.

Barbra jean, I'm not the person to
talk to about you and brock reproducing.

I wasn't for it the first time.

But I need help.

Well, I'm not gonna
tell you what to do.

Unless it's about cheyenne having a
baby. Then she'll tell you what to do.

Van, knock it off. Yeah,
van, you better listen to her.

We don't have any free
will anymore. We have

To do exactly what she
says, when she says it.

Right now I would welcome reba's
brand of overly controlling guidance.

Barbra jean, why don't you
take a walk or something?

Good idea. I need to
clear my head and just...

Send us a postcard.

- What are you doing?
- Van and I are spending the
weekend at kristin's dorm room.

we needed a little space
to think about whether

we can live here
under these conditions.

- Can't you think in your room?
- Oh, it's not our room. It's your room.

Your walls, your carpet,
your broken window.

- You broke your window?
- Oh, not our window.

Oh, this is ridiculous. You're
running away from home...

Just like you did when
you were five years old.

Well, I'm not five anymore,
mom. And neither is van.

Yeah, and neither is elizabeth.

And we can't live here with somebody
who calls our daughter a mistake.

I didn't say that. Yes, you did.

We have it on tape.

Well, not on tape, but
we remember it vividly.

Well, that's not what I
meant. I love elizabeth.

What I meant was
she wasn't planned.

You guys didn't talk about what
you wanted out of your lives...

And how you were
gonna get those things.

You just let life happen to you. You
never think about the consequences!

And until you do, I'm gonna be the
one to make all the choices for you.

- And that's your final word
on the matter?
- That's my final word.

As long as you're living in
this house, I make the decisions.

Well, if that was your final
word, why did you add to it?

[whimpering]

Barbra jean, have you just
been standing out here?

Uh-huh.

Well, okay then.

Oh, reba, always trying to cheer
me up with your odd little jokes.

Barbra jean, why
are you back here?

Well, I went to the park,

But there were babies
everywhere, and dogs.

Dogs...

With puppies.

Barbra jean, I'd love to sit and
chitchat with you, but I'm really busy.

Well, I'm not leaving until
you give me some advice.

Okay. Hurry up.

Well, I need to find a way
to make brock listen to me.

Well, you never have any
problem making me listen to you.

Just talk, talk, talk
and never go away.

[knocking]

Oh, there you are. How'd I
know I'd find you over here?

Maybe because the
make-your-own-teddy-bear store was closed?

- Come on home, honey.
- Why shouldn't we have
more children?

And don't make excuses. A lot
of men have big families, brock.

Even men in their late 30s.

Late 30s?

I really, really don't wanna
talk about this over here.

Well, I do. Do I get a vote?

- Barbra jean...
- No, brock. I'm not leaving.

Then I will.

Not until you give me one good
reason why we can't have another baby.

Fine. I had a vasectomy.

On the other
hand, it is my house.

You what?

After you got
pregnant, I panicked.

I'm sorry. I know I
should've told you earlier.

Yeah. Yeah, you should've,
and before you got snipped.

Because it would have
saved you a lot of pain.

Well, it didn't really
hurt all that much.

Oh, it will when
you get it reversed.

- I... I can't.
- Why not?

Well, 'cause the kind I
got was a... A perma-ectomy.

Brock, you got a choice.

We can do it at the doctor's
office with anesthesia...

Or late at night
while you're asleep.

[Chuckles] [door closes]

Well, I don't care what she says. I'm
not putting myself through that again.

And I am 90% sure she's not gonna do
anything to me in the middle of the night.

If I don't go to sleep.

So this panic attack,
when was it again?

Oh, I don't know. About
two years ago, I guess.

So two years ago while we were
going through couples' therapy...

Trying to save our marriage,

My husband has a
secret vasectomy?

Oh. You're mad too, huh?

How could you do that,
brock? Well, we were separated.

We were supposed
to be working it out!

Yeah, well, as soon as barbra
jean told me she was pregnant,

I knew that working it out
wasn't gonna be an option.

I didn't know that.

For all I knew, we were trying to save
our marriage and then have more kids.

What? We didn't
want any more kids.

Back then I didn't want
to have any more kids.

But now that I know it wasn't even
an option, I bet I wanted more kids!

You are just being ridiculous.

I had an affair with barbra
jean while we were still married.

But that's old anger.
This is new anger.

Oh! That just doesn't
make any sense.

It's not about
making sense, brock.

It's about somebody thinking it's okay
to make another person's decision for 'em.

Especially something
as important...

As having another child.

Oh, dab blame you, brock!

What'd I do now?

Well, you just made
me realize that I did the

Same thing to van and
cheyenne that you did to me.

Oh. [sighs]

So, you're really not any
better than me, are you?

Oh, I'm way better than you are.

I did mine out of love. You did
yours because you're a butt!

♪♪ [heavy metal, loud]

This place is great! My ears are
ringing from walking down the hallway.

Yeah, but it's a little loud
for a baby, don't you think?

Yeah, but I love this song.

Yeah, but a little
loud for a baby. Okay.

Hey! Turn it down!

[volume decreases] [sighs]

You know what's weird, van? If we
didn't have elizabeth, we'd be living here.

Jell-o shots in k-dog's room!

[Slurping] oh!

And we'd be doing jell-o
shots in k-dog's room.

And i? I'd be v-dog.

Come on, van. You don't
want to be v-dog, do you?

Van, you don't want to be
boozing it up and sleeping late...

And making out with all the
loose girls in the hallway, right?

Ha! No.

Wait a minute. You think
elizabeth is a mistake too.

No. No, of course I
don't. I love elizabeth.

It's just... And
don't get mad...

I'm just realizing all
the things we gave up.

Van.

- What's the matter with you?
- Hey, I miss all that stuff,
too, okay?

I mean, I'm on that
campus every day...

And I see all these carefree
people without, you know, a care.

Yeah, and imagine how hard it
would be if we had another baby?

- I mean that would've
really screwed up our plans.
- We don't have any plans, van.

Well, I thought you might have
some you didn't tell me about.

I mean, do we even want any
more kids in-in the future?

Do you? I don't know.

I mean, I guess we... I always thought I'd
have two or three, but close together.

I also thought I'd be living
in a mansion with a nanny.

Well, we kind of do.

I think this was what
mom was talking about.

You know, we need to sit down...

And have a long, serious
talk about... Everything.

K-dog just nailed fletch
with a water balloon.

Dude, it was so... Dude!

Oh! I love water balloons.

Ten minutes and we're
going home, v-dog.

Oh, I love you so much, c-dog.

- Don't call me that.
- [Chuckles] whoo-hoo! Party!

Hey, you guys want to
see some baby pictures?

Oh, hey, mrs. H. [Chuckles]

We're back.

That's great news. Welcome home.

We missed you. I missed you too.

And, mom, we thought a lot about what
you said, and we realized you were right.

Hang on, sweetheart.
Let me go first.

I thought a lot
about what I said too,

And, well, I was right.

I was right about the planning your life
part. But I had no right to tell you...

It wasn't your choice whether
or not to have another baby.

- [cheyenne chuckles]
- but that doesn't mean
i don't have an opinion.

Which is why you will find a


"Teenagers having babies
is stupid, stupid, stupid."

Well, how about I write
a 30-page essay called...

[Scoffs] I'm not gonna
write a 30-page essay.

[van giggles]

Honey, I love elizabeth very,
very much. You know that.

And she is not a mistake.

She's a... An
unplanned blessing.

yeah, she is.

But maybe when you
decide to have another baby,

Maybe that one could
be a planned blessing.

I think it'd make your
lives a lot easier.

You see, it's a lot like
jake and this turtle.

See, jake wanted a turtle, but
he wasn't ready to take care of it.

So i, being the responsible
one, wound up having to...

Ohh. Is it...

Speedy? Ha-ha! Boy, this day
just keeps on getting better.

You know, mom, it's really sad
when you come in the front door,

And speedy doesn't
run to meet you.

It's not funny, kyra.

Well, now it's not.

Have you seen speedy?

Jake, honey, I need to
talk to you about speedy.

Honey, I'm afraid his stay is
over. Speedy passed away.

Oh. Is it because I didn't
take care of him like you said?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Okay, that's not true.

Honey, speedy died
because he got sick.

But caring for a living
thing is a lot of work.

And until you can do the job
all by yourself without my help,

You're really not
ready, are you?

I guess.

Hey, can I get another
turtle if I keep it at dad's?

[Sighs]

Yes.

Yes, you can.