02x08 - Switch

[bunniefuu]

Egyptians! It's the egyptians!

Wait. Make it into a question.
Who are the egyptians?

Persians?

Well, the egyptians are
the answer to some question.

I know that. [door opens]

Hey. Hey.

I'm goin' to the hardware
store, or as I like to call it...

Men "r" us.

Is there anyplace you
won't go to pick up a man?

Yeah. The museum. You
wanna come with me?

Look, I don't think I'm
comfortable with the idea...

About goin' someplace
and gettin' picked up.

I think, if I stay
home and bide my time,

That eventually mel gibson
will run out of gas out front,

And I'll take him in and...

Never let him go. [Giggles]

[knocking] knock, knock.

Who's there? Moron.

Moron who? Moron who says
"knock knock" when he comes in a room.

Well, well, well.
Look at you, lori ann.

It's a nice dress. Does it
come with a volume knob?

For your information, brock,

I am taking your ex-wife out
to meet a better class of man.

Where are you goin'?
Anywhere really.

Why don't you two get a room?

Besides, I told
you I'm not goin'.

You know what, reba?
I think it's a good idea.

What? What?

Yeah. It's been
long enough, reba.

Maybe it is time
you started dating.

Wait. You two agree that
I should go out dating?

Yes, we do. Absolutely.

Wow.

Well, if the two of you agree on
something, then maybe I should do it.

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet somebody
in that new ice rink down in hell. Ha!

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Is this your card?

No, it isn't. Are you sure you
know how to do this trick?

Uh-huh. Is this your card?

Reba, are you about ready?

It's not fair. Why can't you
stay home and babysit jake?

You're married, with
a kid. I still have a life.

Kyra, what is the big
deal? I used to babysit you.

Yeah, right. You used
to stick me in my room,

So you could sit on the couch
and make out with your boyfriend.

Oh, right. [Giggles]

Is this your card?

Yes, it is.

You finally got it right.

You don't have to do
it anymore... To anyone.

Where you goin', honey?
To get my magic hat.

Lord! Reba, we gotta move.
He's gettin' his magic hat.

I don't know, lori ann. I feel
a little weird about tonight.

Don't get me wrong. I
do wanna meet somebody.

But what if I go out
there and try really hard...

And wind up with a
bunch of "no, thank yous"?

Oh, honey, they
don't say thank you.

Okay, kyra, I told
you everything, right?

You told me I have to
give up a night with my

Friends, so you can go
barhopping with yours.

Yeah, but do you know the numbers
of the bars we're gonna be hoppin' at?

Mom, don't worry about
her. She's gonna do a good job.

I know. If I didn't, I wouldn't
have put her in charge.

At least she won't be making out on
the couch with her boyfriend all night.

Mom, he was not my boyfriend.

All right. It's time for reba
and lori ann to ride again.

Like we used to say,
the night is young, and...

Well, at least the
night is still young.

[Laughing]

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? Moron.

Moron who?

Never mind. What
you need, barbra jean?

Well, I heard someone
was goin' out...

Hopin' to meet other someones,

And I thought, "I've got to
lend reba my lucky bracelet."

Well, thank you, barbra
jean. That's very thoughtful.

It's the one I was
wearin' when I met brock.

You know, I'm curious. Who do you
think you're saying these things to?

Well, I also figured that I
could give you a few tips.

Now, as you know,
before I settled down,

I had a bit of a wild streak.

And I thought that you could benefit
from the results of my sinful research.

No-no offense, honey,
but she's goin' with me,

And I'm still researchin'.

Okay then. I guess you
know richie's is now a g*y bar,

And hatter's has
gone very young.

Sherman's has a wonderful selection
of lawyers, but the music's too loud.

So you're better off at hannigan's,
but leave after happy hour...

'Cause that's when the
used car salesmen show up.

Have fun, ladies.

You know, I am surprised I've
never bumped into her before.

Isn't she the cutest?
She's my first grandchild.

And here's the rest of
my family. See? Right there.

That's a houseful,
huh? [Laughs] [polite laugh]

Yeah, you wouldn't
think I'd be lonely.

[object drops] oops. Excuse me.

Oh, that's all right.
And then here's the...

Okay, honey, that's the third
time. I don't think it's them.

Look, reba, your children
are only cute to you.

You have to talk about
something interesting.

Well, I guess I can
talk about my work.

You know, the other day, I
got two appointments mixed up,

And the wrong mr. Smith came
in for a teeth-cleanin'. [Laughing]

That was a hoot. Okay.
Forget about "interesting."

You need to lie.

I can't do that. Sure, you can.

I tell men I'm a
romanian gymnast.

Men love a flexible woman
who can't speak english.

Look, if a man can't
accept the fact...

That I'm a hard-workin' woman
raising three kids and a grandchild...

And tryin' to blend two mortgages
into one low monthly payment, then...

Oh, my god. I am boring.

Oh. [cell phone rings]

[Ringing]

Hello. Cheyenne,
is everything okay?

Fix my hair? Why?
What's wrong with my...

Wait a minute. How
can you see my hair?

Oh, my gosh.

What are you guys doin' here?

I'm sorry. I had to come down here
and make sure you were doin' okay.

Oh, your mom is okay. She's
wearin' that new perfume...

Eau de get the
hell away from me.

Really? I can't believe
guys aren't asking you out.

You both look very nice.

Well, thank you.
Get away from him.

We're doin' just fine. And don't
worry about me. I'm goin' home.

Good. 'Cause this place
is smoky and sleazy.

It smells like baby poop.

Oh, boy.

Look, mom, there's
something on campus...

That might be a better way for you
to meet men than in a smoke-filled bar.

I'm not goin' to a frat
party. Which fraternity?

It's not a frat party.

Is it a.a.? 'Cause they
smoke there too.

No. It's called insta-dating. You meet a
bunch of men for a couple of minutes,

And then if you don't like
each other, you move on.

It's-it's like
"trial size" dating.

Like a little tray of
man samples. I love it.

good afternoon, and
welcome to insta-dating.

Did everyone fill
out their date cards?

today you're each gonna
meet 10 or 12 different people,

And one of them could
be that special someone.

Remember, you
don't have much time,

So get right to the
essence of who you are.

Except for you. Get to the
essence of someone interesting.

Well, that's enough
about me. What about you?

Switch!

Nice to meet you,
first guy. [Laughs]

Hi. My name's reba. Maybe
you should go first.

Relax. I've done this before.
My name is fred, from atlanta.

Parents worked in a factory. Happy
childhood. Me, I sell cars. Toyotas.

One child, previous
marriage. Impossible woman.

Enough about me. Tell
me about yourself. Go!

Oh. Well, uh, okay. All right.

Me, from texas. Uh, ex-husband.
Uh, dumped. Cheatin' bimbo.

And, uh, well, I'm single. Guess
you already know that. [Laughs]

Uh, red hair. You know that too.

Oh, my gosh. Look,
why don't I just tell you

What I think's
important in a relation...

Switch!

Thank you.

Hi. I'm hank. I like to
make people laugh.

That's nice. I'm reba.

[Imitating accent]
that's nice. I'm reba.

- I'm sorry?
- I'm sorry?

Wait. Are you just gonna
repeat everything I say?

Wait. Are you just gonna
repeat everything I say?

That's not funny. Yes, it is.

Hey! You missed one.
Hey! You missed one.

I like men. I like me...

Switch! Switch.

I'm hank. I like to
make people laugh.

Hi there. Hi there.

I swear, if you're
gonna sit there and

Repeat everything I
say, I'm gonna slug you.

[Laughing] got it. Thanks
for the warning.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've
never done this before.

Glad to hear it. I think if
you're experienced at this,

Not a good thing.

Amen. So, why are you here?

Friend dragged me. Said
I don't get out enough.

I got a friend like that.
She's from romania. [Laughing]

Hi. I'm reba. Reba, I'm brian.

Uh, so here's my essence.

I live in katy. I got
two dogs, no kids.

I make documentary
films for a living.

And, no, you ain't never
heard of none of 'em.

Wow. A filmmaker,
huh? That's exciting.

Well, I live here in houston.
Uh, no dogs. Three kids.

And i, uh...

I write children's books. And, no,
you haven't ever heard of any of 'em.

[Laughing]

You've got a beautiful smile.

Well, thanks. This is nice.

- Switch!
- Wait a minute. We just got started.

Excuse me. I'm next.

- Hold your horses.
- They're not switching.

Would you like to go out
sometime? Really? I'd love to.

Switch! Everyone switch!

I'm not switchin'. I'm done.

Stop it! I said stop it!

Stop it! I said
stop it! [Pops lips]

[No audible dialogue]

Man, I can't believe I
told such a stupid lie.

Why did I tell him
I was a writer?

I should've told
him I was a spy.

Well, there'd be no way
for him to check that out.

Relax, mom. You're not gonna
talk about your career tonight.

[Sighing] oh. Not if you
want the date to go well.

Oh, and don't talk
about your kids.

He'll either think you want more
or be bummed that you got 'em.

Okay. I'm barren
and childless. Got it.

Oh, and laugh at his jokes. Men
love that. What if they're not funny?

They won't be, but laugh anyway.

Mom, kyra's being mean.
Sometimes the truth hurts.

Jake, go take your
bath. I'll deal with her.

Kyra, are you gonna
t*rture him all night?

No. I'll probably get tired
and take a short break.

You're not gonna ruin
this for me, young lady.

And let me remind you. Someday,
jake's gonna be bigger than you are.

I wouldn't count on it. I let
him smoke when you're gone.

She really lights up
a room, doesn't she?

She's havin' a hard
time right now.

I mean, things are finally
settled down around here,

And then your mom starts datin'.

That's a tough
adjustment for a kid.

Plus you just became a famous
writer, like, two days ago.

well, all right. All ready
for bowling, cheyenne?

Now, remember,
mrs. H, dating is easy.

Just relax, have a
nice conversation.

Oh, and if the guy gets happy
hands, stick a key in his windpipe.

Don't make her more
nervous than she already is.

[Nervous laugh] it'll be okay.

I mean, what's it been, 20
years since my last date?

Whoa. That's longer
than I've been alive.

Look, mom, this date
is gonna be great.

And if it isn't, I'm gonna
give you an easy out.

Halfway through the
date, I will give you a call,

And I will give you a
phony excuse to leave.

If the date's going great, then
just hang up on me. It's foolproof.

Cheyenne, that's an awful
thing to do. Do not call me.

Hey, it works. I
remember, one time,

I had a buddy call and tell
me my dog ate a spark plug.

[Laughing]

Van, you were with
me when that happened.

What?

No, no. See, you're
thinkin' of the time...

We need to go. Come on.

So, listen, I hope I'm not bugging
you with all these questions.

It's just that I find it fascinating
that you write children's books.

[Nervous chuckle]

You sure do.

So, um, what are
you working on now?

Now?

Oh, well, um...

It's a book about a... A duck.

A small duck.

Uh, and the book's
called, uh, the small duck.

And, uh, what's the duck's name?

Ducky?

No, I love that. And,
so, what happens?

Oh. Well, um,

I'm just kind of in the
beginning stages right now.

But, uh, the story's
about this, uh,

Small duck who gets
caught in a, uh, big rain.

[Laughs] and, uh, well, he learns
about all that kind of stuff.

You know. Good salad, huh?

Yeah, it is. I like the crunchy
things. What are these, pine nuts?

[Laughing]

Oh. That sounded like a joke. You
know? "What are these? Pine nuts?"

[Giggles]

[Clears throat]

Reba, am i, uh... Am i, uh... [Clears
throat] making you uncomfortable?

No, no. I just don't like to
talk about myself that much.

So, why don't we talk about
something else? [cell phone rings]

Oh, excuse me.
Just a second here.

[Ringing]

Cheyenne, I told
you not to... Kyra?

Is everything okay?
Sorry. Just a moment.

I told you to only
call me in an emergency.

Well, that's not an emergency.

Well, okay. Just write "sprinkles"
on the grocery list, okay?

Fine. Good-bye.

Sorry. A little crisis
at home. No, no. Sure.

Yeah. So, you got "the call."

And I guess you're
gonna be goin'. What?

Reba, I'm sorry I was bugging you with
all those questions about your writing.

It's just I am so
incredibly nervous.

No, no. You're not buggin' me.

Reba, please. I was
gettin' on my own nerves.

You know, there's only
so many "duck" questions.

No. I think it's
very wonderful...

That you're so
interested in what I do.

[Nervous chuckling]

I just wish I did it. What?

I lied. I don't write
children's books.

Maybe you should
do a documentary...

On people who lie to
impress other people.

Yeah, well, about that.

Uh, I don't exactly
make documentaries.

Oh, no. I make 'em. It's
just nobody buys 'em.

So, to pay the bills, I do those
cheesy late-night commercials.

Oh, you mean like wild
bill's auto roundup?

[Laughing] thank you
for knowing my work.

[Laughing]

Okay. Why don't we
start fresh? Okay.

I work at a dental office. I have
three children and a grandchild.

Well, then you've
gotta have pictures.

Oh, you bet I do. [chuckling]

- This is elizabeth.
- Oh.

She's nine months old.
Isn't her scalp beautiful?

[Both laughing]

[No audible dialogue]

Jake, what are you doing up?

You know mom doesn't
let you watch late-night tv.

And are you eating
cookies on the couch?

My double stufs.

Did you finish the entire bag?

[Muffled, indistinct]

What? He said, "kyra called mom
on her date." What, are you deaf?

- Come on, you. Bedtime.
- My stomach hurts.

Well, deal with it, cookie pig.

- Why did you call mom
on her date?
- I was bored.

Look, kyra, I know
what's been going on.

You know, things started to settle down
around here, and then mom starts to date.

That's a big
adjustment on a kid.

I just want you to know
that it is okay to hurt.

Thanks for that insight,
oh great, wise teen mother.

Then what is it? This can't just be
about the stupid babysitting thing.

Yes, it is. I don't think I should have to
waste my life, so she can go on her dates.

That is so selfish, kyra.

I mean, mom does a
ton of stuff for us,

And, what, she wants to
go out once every 20 years?

Don't you think she
deserves to be happy?

- No.
- What?

I don't want her
to be happy, okay?

Divorced people aren't
supposed to be happy.

What are you talking about?

They promised to
be together forever.

They couldn't manage to do that, so they
should have to live with their mistakes.

So, what about dad, kyra?
You wanna punish dad too?

Barbra jean is
taking care of that.

Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

I think mom is being punished...

the divorce, she
had to find a job,

Van and I are living
here with the baby.

I mean, would you want her life?

- [door opens]
- hey, kyra.

You okay? I hadn't heard
from you in the last half hour.

I was startin' to worry.

I'm sorry I called you
so much tonight, mom.

You are? Why?

I just am. I guess
I was... Selfish.

- Well, you should be sorry.
- I am.

Good.

- Thanks, sweetie.
- Oh. Okay, okay.

I said I'm sorry. Let's not get all
"after-school special" about it.

Wow. An apology.

I must be gettin' good at this
"mother-and-daughter talk" stuff.

I think that was a record.

Yep. You're fantastic. Yeah.

So, tell me about your date.

Oh, it went well... Eventually.

Mm-hmm? He asked me out
to dinner next weekend.

You know, if you keep your lies
straight, this might go on for a while.

That's okay, cheyenne.
I told him the truth.

That's one great thing about
dating as an adult. No games.

Right. So, did he kiss you?

Hmm-hmm! No, but he held my
hand all the way to the car.

[Both laughing]

acme! [Coughing]