02x05 - It's Jake's Party, Cry If You Want To

[bunniefuu]

Five minutes to
my birthday party!

Mom, barbra jean
said, and I quote,

"Reba, no party is complete with
less than four colors of streamers."

I don't think you want to be
quotin' barbra jean to me right now.

All I've heard from that woman
all week is, "I got a great idea, reba.

"Let's do it my way, reba.

I'm 6 foot 8, reba."

You know, I gotta say,
barbra jean may be pushy,

But her party ideas are solid.

look. I made a doggy.

I'm the mother. I'm supposed to be
the one who gets to plan the party.

What do you expect?
Barbra jean isn't happy

Coming to the party.
She has to be the party.

Remember halloween, when
she showed up wearing...

That ridiculous outfit
and scared everybody?

Honey, that wasn't
halloween. That was yesterday.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

They're here! They're here!

Come on! Come on!
Everyone, we have to be quiet.

Elizabeth is trying to
sleep. Honey, they'll be quiet.

It's just a bunch of eight-year-olds
we're pumpin' full of cake and candy.

Say cheese!

Don't say anything. Just smile.

[Shutter clicks]

Here you go. There's a
poster on the dinin' room table.

Stick your picture on it
and sign it. Okay? Have fun.

Tiptoe! Tiptoe. [Sighs]

Cheyenne, they're kids. They
haven't taken a vow of silence.

I'm on it. Aah! Aah! Aah!

You're off it.
[Sighs] [door closes]

Cheyenne, the baby
can't hear us down here.

You don't understand. If somebody does
wake up elizabeth, she won't stop crying.

Well, she'd learn to if you didn't run up
and pick her up every time she made a peep.

It's not a peep, mom.
It's a cry for help.

A horrible, irritating cry.

Guys, elizabeth
is six months old.

She needs to learn to soothe
herself so she could fall back to sleep.

But, mom, letting her
just cry would be so mean.

No, letting her cry is
the best thing for her.

That's what I used
to do with you.

[Scoffs] what?

Yeah. I used to let you
cry it out sometimes.

Wait a minute.

You let me just sit
in my crib and cry?

Is your heart made of stone?

Who are you?

Mom, I was a baby. I
just wanted my mommy.

D-did you think it was funny?

Did it make you feel powerful?

[doorbell rings]

Hey, reba. How excitin' is this?

Our little boy is growin' up.

[Chuckling] yeah, it seems like only
yesterday he was my little boy.

Well, look at this.

I thought we talked
about streamer placement.

No. You talked, I ignored.

I'm just gonna go move
these over here where...

They're fine.

Yeah, but it would look so
much better... Ooh. [Shutter clicks]

Oops. Where'd
you go? [Chuckling]

[Sighs]

I'm makin' a poster
for jake. Smile.

Brock, she's gone.
You can smile now.

No, I can't.

I got a few botox injections.

What? You?

Botox injections? Isn't
that cosmetic and girlie?

No, it's not girlie.
It's botulism,

Which is a deadly poison,
which is very manly.

Yeah, but is it supposed
to make your face look...

Dead and creepy?

No. It's supposed to
take away the wrinkles.

So, I guess it was the wrinkles
that made you look alive.

What happened? I was playing poker
with a few of my doctor buddies.

I ran out of cash. So I
bet a tooth whitening,

Frank raised me a
few botox injections...

I hit a full house.

[Chuckling]

Yeah, I think he's... He's
still a little mad about losin'.

It's hard to believe that injecting
poison into your face could go so wrong.

Frank said it's only temporary.

Think it makes me look younger?

Oh, absolutely.
Younger, dead and creepy.

Come on in. Join the
party. Jake's over there

Laughin', smilin',
showin' some emotion.

I guess he got that
from me. Oh, h*, h*.

I gotta get a
picture of that. Smile!

Stop it!

And I got pens and paper.

The kids will each
write a sentence,

The last word of which
will rhyme with "jake."

Like, "another great idea
from the big blonde flake"?

Like that,

But not that.

And I got pin the
tail on the donkey.

- Kyra, would you run out there
and put up the donkey?
- Do it yourself.

Kyra!

It's okay. Every
party has a pooper.

And I guess we found ours.

What was that?

You need to watch
your mouth, young lady.

barbra jean is your stepmother.

You can't talk to her like that. She
deserves some respect. You got that?

You don't respect her.

Yes, I do. I totally do.

[Scoffs] you mean like when
you said that barbra jean...

Is where brain cells
go when they die?

[Laughing]

That's totally different.

Barbra jean and I have
a special relationship.

You're 13 years old, and you
don't get to speak to her that way.

Now, you're gonna sit
right here until you think

Of a way to apologize
to barbra jean. Okay?

- Okay. Okay.
- All right.

I am very, very angry.

Okay. She's almost down, but she's
still a little fussy. [elizabeth crying]

Well, she probably wants to go to
the party. You know, kids love cake.

No, van. She needs a nap.

No, she's not getting a nap.

She's got us running up and
down the stairs every 10 minutes.

She's not a kid,
she's a stairmaster.

Maybe we should try
what your mom said.

Oh, my god. She's gotten to you.

Elizabeth's only six months old.

Your mom's like a
million months old.

Maybe she knows better.

Look, cheyenne,
when you're at school,

I'm the one who has to
take care of elizabeth.

And I would run to the
moon for that little girl.

But I could also crank up
sportscenter and just let her wail.

Van. But what if
your mom's right?

She raised you, and you
turned out pretty awesome.

[Sighs] I don't know,
van. I know. I know.

But we'll never
know unless we try it.

Like that time I tried sushi.

You hate sushi. Yeah, but
now I know I hate sushi.

Kyra's right, you know. She
gets her bad attitude from you.

She does not. If you have a
problem with barbra jean, talk it out.

Sit down, woman-to-woman,
and sort it out.

Sit down and talk with
barbra jean? Are you kidding?

'Cause I can't tell.

I'm serious.

You're, like, addicted to
makin' fun of barbra jean.

I'm not addicted. I can
stop anytime I want.

Ha-ha-ha. I mean it.
I'll stop insulting her.

I can. It's not fair to the kids to make
them as bitter towards barbra jean as I am.

They'll have to learn
that on their own.

Okay, that's the last one.

Guess what! The clown's here.

Yeah, we know. But who's the
guy with the rainbow wig? [Laughs]

Absolutely the last one.

[clown] okay, who likes magic?

Isn't "mr. Peppers" a great
name for a clown? Yeah.

If I were a clown, what
would you call me?

Man, I wish you'd asked
me that yesterday.

A frog in a blender! Aaah!
"Ribit." "Ribit." "Ribit." "Ribit."

[Laughing] come on, guys.

Oh-h*, that's good.

Red and green. You're funny.

[Chuckles] what
is that, sarcasm?

No, no. Uh, really, you're very
good. I'm... I'm havin' a great time.

Tell your face.

Everybody's loving the
pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game.

'Cause I hung up the donkey,

Myself,

As per your instructions.

Look, barbra jean, I'm
sorry about before.

I was just joking.

Kind of like how my
mom kids you all the time.

Well, that's different. Your mom
and I have a special relationship.

- Hey, that's what
she said earlier.
- She did?

See, I always thought she
teased me because she liked me,

But, you know, you
never know for sure.

Oh, yeah. That's
why she does it.

And I was just trying
to do the same thing.

But I guess it sounds
different coming from a kid.

Oh, kyra, don't worry about it.

I just hope when you grow up, you find
a special friend like I found in your mom.

Me too. Of course, I'll
have to get married first.

Reba, this is terrible. Nobody
can tell what I'm feeling.

- [barbra jean] yoo-hoo!
- how much is that botox?

That mr. Peppers is a hoot.

Honestly, reba, is there anything
like watching a big, silly clown...

Running around with
too much makeup on?

Not that I can say. [Chuckles]

How about that cake? Everybody
ready to sing for the birthday boy!

[Children murmuring] is there
somethin' wrong, reba?

No, everything's fine.
Because you're actin' weird.

I'm just really, really glad that
you're here. That's all. Really glad.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Hey, you know what's funny?

Right after high school, I
was gonna go to clown college.

Mm-hmm? But I
didn't get accepted.

Hmm.

Maybe I should've
just sent a picture.

Oh, boy.

[van] okay! It's "happy
birthday" time. whoo.

Does everybody know
all the words? Yeah!

Here we go. And
a one, and a two...

Excuse me! [Gasps]

- [door closes]
- I left you alone
for two seconds!

Oh, don't give me that look. Oh, I
forgot, it's the only look you have.

I'll go talk to her.

Come on, barbra jean.
Jake's cake's waitin'.

I don't know what I did for
you to treat me like that.

Like what? Polite!

Even kyra knows that's
not our relationship.

- What'd she say?
- Well, you know, how... How you
tease me because you like me.

You know, all the fun zings.

[Chuckling] yeah, right. Right.

Well, I guess I hadn't been doin' that
because some people... Not me, mind you...

But some people might
think that's a little mean.

Friendship is never mean.

See, they don't get that.

So, you ready to go
in, pal? You mean it?

Absolutely. Come on.

You ready? Can I give you a hug?

Not if I was chokin'
on a piece of sausage.

Zing! Zing!

There's the reba I love.

That's what I was
tellin' him. I know.

Okay, everybody. All
better. Ready to sing?

Oh, I don't want
reba to sing near me.

I didn't bring my earplugs.

[Laughing] what are you doin'?

Zingin' you.

You know, 'cause
I like you. [Chuckles]

Oh, you got me, all right.

Oh, when's this
party gonna be over?

Nothin'.

Reba, did you make
the cake? Oh, you bet.

No pre-made cake
for my little feller.

It's very interesting.

I've never had
sawdust cake before.

[Laughing]

Okeydokey. Now, how about
let's open some presents?

Yea! Here you go.

This one's from me. You're
gonna love this, jake.

Oh. It's a birdhouse kit!

You get to build a
birdhouse and then paint it.

Yeah, that's great. [Scoffs]

Maybe next year you'll
get him a rat condo.

- Barbra jean.
- Reba.

- [Laughing]
- well, you two are even
more special than usual.

This turned out to be a better party than
I thought it would. Is there any coffee?

Oh, come on now, brock.
You've had reba's coffee.

It'll make you cry.

Kind of like cheyenne did when she
was a baby and reba wouldn't go to her.

[Imitates baby crying]

"I want my mommy,
but she won't come."

Oh! Be right back.

Me and my pal are
gonna go get the coffee.

Okay.

You know what? I lied. Me too.

Your cake didn't
taste like sawdust.

It tasted like sand. Zing!

Stop that! Stop keepin' score.

Which, by the way, if we were
doing, would be about a billion to one!

[Sighs] I'm trying to be
honest with you, barbra jean.

I say the stuff I say because
I'm still upset about the...

Situation.

Because I horned
in on the party? No!

I'm talkin' about
the big situation.

I'm talkin' about the thing that we
never talked through, woman-to-woman.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

You're going through menopause.

No, I'm not going through
menopause, you dingbat.

You and brock. That's what I'm
talkin' about. You wreckin' my marriage!

Uh...

Yea!

Hey, look at you!

Whoo! Look at
them. Look at that.

I guess I've never actually brought this
up to you and talked about it face-to-face.

And that's probably my fault.

And maybe my clever little comments
when you're around are immature,

But that's how
I've dealt with this.

[Sighs]

This hasn't been easy
for me, barbra jean.

Well,

I am very sorry to
hear that, reba. Okay.

Because, as you can imagine,

It has just been a
freakin' picnic for me!

You think your clever little
comments are tough for me to handle?

[Scoffs] huh! I'm the
other woman, reba.

I'm the wh*re of babylon!

I get looks and whispers...

And fingers pointin'
at me every day.

But everybody acts friendly,

Just like you did today.

Phony smiles and fake sincerity
hurt a whole lot worse...

Than your clever little jokes,

Which, frankly, aren't
all that clever either.

Some of 'em are.

Look, if this is supposed to make me
feel sorry for you, it ain't workin'.

I don't want you to
feel sorry for me, reba.

I just want to know
where you stand.

I want you to be honest with me.

Okay. I can do that.

Your party ideas are stupid.

They didn't let you into clown college
'cause you're too big to fit into the car.

And I sing way better than you.

There's my
reba-ruba-roo. [Chuckling]

And if you call me that again, I'm
gonna slap the blonde right off of you.

[elizabeth crying]

Hey.

I got you a corner piece.

I don't feel like
eating cake right now.

[crying continues]

Why'd you always
like the corner piece?

I remember when you were
little... My baby is crying, mom.

Oh, I thought that was van.

Cheyenne, I know
this is tough. Really?

Do you? Yeah, sweetie, I do.

I remember sittin' outside
your door frettin' the same way.

But I knew in my heart it
was the best thing for you.

Well, it doesn't feel
right in my heart.

You know, all of
these things that are...

That are supposed to be the
right things to do, you know?

In the morning, when I
leave her to go to school.

And when I come home,
and she's already in bed.

And when I have to
study french philosophy...

Instead of playing
peekaboo with her.

These are important
things to do, right?

Well, they just... They
don't feel right, mom.

Not to me. Cheyenne,
you're her mother.

Mom, I know what
you're gonna say.

Yeah. But I get to say it
anyway, because I'm your mother.

Now, you listen to me.
Nobody... Not me, not van...

Not those peekaboo-playin'
french philosophers...

Know what's right for
your baby more than you.

But I'm telling you.
It doesn't feel right.

I know. So, what
are you gonna do?

[crying continues]

I want to go pick up my baby.

Good. 'Cause I want
to eat your cake.

Here you go, mr. Peppers.

Don't spend it all at
the big-shoe store.

Thank you. Hey, any chance I
can get the big chick's number?

Sorry. She's already
seeing a clown.

You like clowns? [horn honks]

Go on now.

All right.

acme! [Coughing]