01x04 - You Make Me Sick

[bunniefuu]

van, cheyenne, hurry up.
Your eggs are gettin' cold.

I don't think cheyenne's gonna want
eggs. She's been barfing for an hour.

Uh-oh. That sounds
like morning sickness.

Actually, it sounds like this...

"Bla! Van, get me water.

Bla! Van, hold my hair."

Van, stop breathing on me!

Mommy, I don't feel good.

Yep, you're pregnant.

Honey, morning sickness
is just one of the perks.

It can't be morning sickness,
mrs. H. It's been going on all night.

Morning sickness is
what some liar called it.

When I was pregnant with
cheyenne, I was sick for months.

Months? Oh, god! How am I
supposed to get through this?

- Why isn't there a cure?
- Because men don't get pregnant.

- Here, eat this.
- Okeydokey.

Honey, I'll go make
you some dry toast.

Mmm. I just love
busting the yolk...

And watching all the gooey,
yellow stuff just run...

[Gags]

- Kyra, that was awful.
- And so easy.

- Van, your wife
needs your help.
- But she's mean.

I'm going.

Leave the food.

Mom, can I go to
robbie's after school?

Again? Honey, you've been
over there every day this month.

Are you sure you're not
workin' late at the office?

Huh?

Sorry. That was the other guy.

Listen, I think it's time
robbie came over here.

- His house is more fun.
- More fun than this?

Duh.

Look, I know that things have
been a little crazy lately...

What with the wedding
and... Everything.

But the fun'll
come back. I promise.

She threw up on my shoe.

See? The fun's back already.

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

how am I supposed to do trig
homework when I have morning sickness?

Well, the trick is
you're supposed to

Finish trigonometry
before you get pregnant.

Here. I got you a
little something.

what to expect when
you're expecting.

It helps you understand what your
body's going through. [doorbell rings]

Excuse me. But stay
away from the pictures

Until you're sure you
can keep down solids.

Hi, caroline. Hey, boys.

Hey, reba. Sorry we're late.
The boys were doing crafts.

A pasta necktie!

Hey, jake. This'll go great
with your italian suit.

Oh, caroline, you're amazing.
You put us mortal moms to shame.

Oh, reba, you know me. It's either
stay busy or get liquored up.

[Laughing]

You've just been
such a great help...

Through all this that's been
going on around here lately.

Let me return the favor.

Hey, boys, how about you come
over friday night for a sleepover?

Yea! "Fatigue,
heartburn, bloating,

Engorged breasts"?

Cheyenne, honey,
read to yourself.

Okay, come on, robbie. Let's go.

So, the sleepover... You wanna
bring robbie by after school?

Well, reba, I'm not so
sure about the sleepover.

Robbie gets scared sleeping
away from home. No, I don't.

Ah, kids! [Chuckles] but I really
would hate to put you out.

It's no trouble.
Jake would love it.

Besides, I want to.
But you don't have to.

I want to. But
you don't have to.

I want to.

Then it's settled.
See you friday.

I am never having sex again.

[Chuckles] kids.

Hey, montgomery, think fast.

Are you feeling all right, son?
You've been draggin' all week.

I know, I know. I'm tired.

I've been taking care of
cheyenne. Why? What's wrong?

She caught mornin' sickness.

She's really sick.

Yeah, been there,
cleaned up after that.

You must be going through
the same thing with barbra jean.

No, no. That was
reba. B.j.'S a rock.

She's not sick? Well,
she had one queasy day,

But a couple of saltines, a little
ginger ale, she was good to go.

You ask me, most of
it is mind over matter.

You really think so? Oh, yeah.

B.j. Doesn't wallow
in it and she's fine.

You know what I think cheyenne
could use? A change of scenery.

Well, she always
wanted to see arkansas.

I meant, why don't you guys come
over to our place this weekend?

See, b.j. Loves to entertain.

That's a great idea, coach. That's
exactly what cheyenne needs.

You're damn skippy. She's got to get
up off the bench, get back in the game.

That's right! This game ain't
over. She needs to walk it off.

That's the spirit. Team
montgomery's gonna beat this thing.

Thanks, coach. I'm gonna
go tell cheyenne right now.

All right. Go get her, son.

whoa, van. Van! Towel.

- Oh, sorry, coach.
- No!

Hey, honey, how you doing?

I think I threw up
my actual stomach.

Here you go. I know
how you're feeling.

When I was carrying jake, I could smell
a chicken while it was still on the farm.

Oh! Mom...

And italian food... Huh-h*!

Just the thought of garlic
and tomato would clean me out.

Mom, stop helping, please.

Sorry. Just remember that morning
sickness doesn't last forever.

Once you get through
this part, it gets a lot easier.

- Really?
- No.

Good news, cheyenne.

I have the cure for
your morning sickness.

Step one... Saltines
and ginger ale.

Okay, step two...

It's time for you to stop
wallowing in this pregnancy.

Wallowing? Look, b.j.'S as pregnant
as you, and she's not sick at all.

She isn't? No. And why
do you think that is?

I dunno. Something
to do with jesus?

No, it's attitude.
Imagine it's the big game.

You're playin' your crosstown
rival... Morning sickness.

It's the fourth quarter. You got
nothing left, but you dig down deep inside.

You get up and shake it off!

You can't be serious.

I've never been "seriouser."

Cheyenne, I care about you.
And I hate to see you feeling bad.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to stop vomiting.

If I could control it, I'd
do it on you right now.

Okay. All right, here's the game
plan. Friday, we're going to your dad's.

Gonna get you up and out of
here with a new, winning attitude.

It's now or never, move it
or lose it, take no prisoners,

Go team montgomery! Stop that.

Okay.

Drop it.

You're good.

Honey, that's for
jake's sleepover tonight.

See, I'm gonna fill the flower pot
with cookies and chocolate ice cream,

And then I'm gonna use the
gummy worms as garnish.

Isn't that cute?

They're seven-year-old boys.
They play "pop my snot bubble."

Oh, gross! They do not. Do they?

Mom, guess what
robbie and I are doing!

I don't wanna think about
it. And go wash your hands.

We're having a campout
at his house tonight.

Wait a minute.

I thought robbie was coming over
to our house for a sleepover tonight.

I want to go to robbie's.
They've got a tent and everything.

Are you sure it's
tonight? Yeah. Can I go?

I have to talk to
robbie's mom first.

I'm just gonna run
down the street.

Oh, don't let your sister
eat any more of that candy.

gotcha.

[doorbell rings]

Reba. Hey.

Hi. Uh, come on in.

I was just, uh, baking some animal
cookies for the boys' campout.

Oatmeal raisin rhino?

No, thanks. Rhinos go
straight to the hips.

Hey, i-i thought the
boys were supposed...

To come over to my house
for a sleepover tonight.

Oh, sh**t. Was that tonight?

Yeah, that's what I meant
when I said, "see ya friday."

Is today friday?

Oh, I'm such a ditz.

But, you know, the tent's up,
and the boys are so excited.

So why don't we just have
your sleepover another night?

Okay. When?

When? Uh, let me
check my calendar.

Caroline, I'm getting the feeling you
don't want robbie over at my house.

I can't believe this. I
thought we were friends.

Maybe I'm being overprotective,

But there are... Things
going on at your house.

What-what kind of things
do you think are goin' on?

I mean, I'm there. Nobody's
running around naked.

There's no teenage
orgy out in my front yard.

I do have a pair of frisky squirrels,
but I told the boys they're just dancing.

What would you
do in my position?

Well, for starters, I
would've talked to you...

Instead of planning
a sneaky campout.

and I wouldn't have avoided
you just because your daughter...

And your husband's
mistress were both pregnant.

Brock's mistress is pregnant?

Yeah, you think
you were stunned.

Things change. Hourly.

I'm just learning
to go with the flow.

Well, I'm sorry,

But I'm just not comfortable
with robbie being at your house.

But jake is welcome
here anytime.

I don't think so.

Suddenly I'm not comfortable
with jake being at your house.

[Sighs]

I'm ready for my campout.

Do you know where
my binoculars are?

Oh, jake. Honey, you're not
gonna need your binoculars.

Yes, I will. We like to look at the
bugs up close before we smash them.

Honey, there's not gonna be a
campout at robbie's house tonight.

Is robbie coming over here?

No. Why?

You know what?

It doesn't matter 'cause
you and I are gonna...

Have our own bigger
and better campout.

It's gonna be a blast.

Camping inside's
dumb. There's no bugs.

Some people would
see that as a plus.

Hey, come on. Let's warm
our hands by the old campfire.

That's a flashlight.

With a very hot bulb.

Wanna sing some campfire songs?

♪ Oh, give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪

Join in anytime. ♪ Where
the deer... ♪♪ Mom.

- What?
- Singing is lame.

Sorry. Well, then, what
do you and robbie like to do?

We like to pee in the yard.

No wonder my
begonias are wilting.

I think I know why robbie
didn't come over tonight.

You do?

We don't have a pool.

Yeah, pools are a big draw.

But we've got the
marshmallows...

And the smell of
the great outdoors.

Mom, I know you're having
fun, but can I watch tv instead?

I know this would be more
fun for you if I were seven.

And not my mom.

Can I go to robbie's
tomorrow night?

Is it too late to go
pee out in the yard?

Mom.

- Doesn't cheyenne
look nice tonight?
- Very nice.

Yes. I feel pretty.

You're gonna love
these jalapeño poppers.

Oh, I'd eat a shoe if it was deep
fried and stuffed with cheese.

Cheyenne, would you care for
a popper from your papa? [Laughs]

No, thank you.

Cheyenne's saving room for
my famous tuna casserole.

Three kinds of tuna and
two brands of potato chips.

Can we talk about something
other than food, please?

Oh, cheyenne, come in the kitchen and
let me show you my new texas ice tray.

come see. I'm thinking of
getting one from every state...

And making an ice
sculpture of america.

[Chuckling]

Honey, you've got to perk up.

You're bringing my party down.

Well, uh, I'm sorry. It's hard
to be the life of the party...

When all you feel
like doing is vomiting.

- Hey, I'm doin' it.
- You're sick?

Sicker than a cat with
a five-pound fur ball.

Wait. What do you
mean you're sick?

I just saw you put away
six jalapeño poppers.

"Put away" is the
operative word. [Giggles]

Voilà.

Oh, my god. You filthy liar.

I know. And it's so easy.

I get up an hour before brock, so
he doesn't see my tummy trouble.

And if I feel indisposed, I
make some excuse to step away.

Last weekend, I threw up
in your mother's begonias.

B.j., That's crazy. Why
would you do all that?

To keep my man happy of course.

Well, why should they be
happy while we're miserable?

Because that's our job.
Cheyenne, honey, come here.

Look at your man out there.

he's happy because
he thinks you're happy.

Now, why do you wanna go
and spoil that with the truth?

Well, he does look happy.
You're darn right he does.

Now let's get out there and
do what we women do best...

Fake it.

[doorbell rings]

Reba, uh... I take it back.
Jake can come over here.

Wait a minute. Please don't
make me say all that again.

I've been standing on
your porch for 10 minutes...

Trying to get up the
courage to say what I just said.

Well, I'm just happy that
you understand my side.

I didn't say that.

But I'm willing to set
my feelings aside...

Because I think our boys
have a nice, little friendship,

And I don't wanna see it ruined over
something they had nothing to do with.

Reba, do you wanna come
inside and we can talk?

Nope.

Had my fill of crow tonight, and,
frankly, don't like the taste of it.

I don't know what to say.

I wish you'd said
you trusted me.

But since that's
not gonna happen,

I gotta go home and get
ready for my weekly orgy.

You oughta see
the cookies i bake.

ready for dessert?

Yeah, hold on. Let me get
this tuna out of my pocket.

You did great out
there. I'm very proud.

B.j., I can't do this anymore.

You don't have to. A couple of
cookies tossed over your shoulder,

And it's small talk time.

Are we leaving? Your dad's
taking us out for dessert.

I know a place that serves the
best coconut cream pie in town.

That sounds great.

Right, cheyenne?

No.

- What's wrong, honey?
- Nothing's wrong.

She's fine. No, I'm
not fine. I am sick.

Well, what happened?
You were doing so good.

So good. No, I wasn't.

And I am sorry, b.j., But I
cannot fake it as well as you can.

Okay, what are we
talking about here?

Nothin', honey.
Let's get that pie.

What happened to team
montgomery, goin' strong?

Well, it's not. And I'm sorry if that
makes you unhappy, but I can't lie anymore.

I never told you to lie.
You told me to "shake it off."

Because I wanted you to
be happy. Well, I'm not happy.

And the only reason I was trying
to be happy was to make you happy.

But I was only happy
because you were happy.

But if you were faking happy,
then i-i was faking happy too.

I've been lyin' to myself.

Cheyenne,

I just hate seeing you this way
when I can't do anything about it.

It's scary.

Well, I'm scared too.

So, you've been
feeling sick too?

[Mouths word]

You've been lying about it this
whole time just to make me happy?

[Mouths word]

That's my girl.

Kyra, let me ask you somethin'.

With everything that's been going on in
our house, do people treat you differently?

Definitely. At school
the word's out...

That you let teenagers
sleep together in the house.

All of a sudden I'm popular.

I was actually worried
about your self-esteem.

But thank you very much
for another sleepless night.

Hey. Hey.

How was the dinner? Ooh, b.j.
Made her famous tuna casserole.

Oh, barbra jean's
casserole. Good lord!

Go upstairs and lie down.
I'll go get some cold towels.

Not necessary. I'll do it.

- Cheyenne and I
are in this together.
- Well, good for you.

Yeah, I figure once we get over this
morning sickness thing, the worst is over.

It's time you showed
him the pictures.

[doorbell rings]

Well, if you've got any of that
crow left, I'll take a big helping.

Come on in. Hey,
robbie, jake's upstairs.

Maybe I did overreact.

Those squirrels do
look like they're dancin'.

So, you wanna stay around
and help me chaperone?

That's okay. I trust you.

- Thanks.
- [van] I am never having sex again!

I'm on it.