08x22 - Afghanistan troops withdrawal and 2021 Taliban offensive

[bunniefuu]

Hi there, welcome to

The show, still taking place,

But for the last time, in this

Blank void.

God, that feels great to

Hear.

This must be how england felt

When they got rid of you.

Uh, excuse me, they

Didn't get rid of me, I chose to

Leave.

"Chose."

Okay, sure, let's go with that.

Has anyone asked you to come

Back?

Like, anyone?

That's a fair point.

It's been a busy week.

A b*mb thr*at in washington,

Demoted from host in jeopardy to

Running it, and then the latest

Innovation.

Work rooms is used on

Facebook's oculus quest 2

Virtual reality headsets.

This is my first virtual

Reality interview.

How about you?

Mine too.

My first virtual reality

Interview too.

Well, that's the

Stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Do you like zoom meetings?

No?

Well, this is like that, except

You get to wear a helmet and

Your coworkers are glitchy sims.

It's another game-changing hit

From the guy who brought you

"Everyone you went to

High school with is q-anon now."

But instead of focusing on that,

Let's dive straight in with our

Afghanistan.

America's w*r there is drawing

To a close after almost 20 years

Of fighting.

We all knew the end was likely

To be ugly.

The only question was

"How ugly?"

Well, this week, we got our

Answer.

Afghans are thronging to

Kabul's airport.

This is what desperation

Looks like.

We now know that at least one

Of the american transports took

Off with a payload far in excess

Of the maximum recommended.



Holy cow.

I mean, good job getting off the

Ground.

Holy sh*t.

That is terrifying.

You never, ever want to be on a

Plane that is managing to

Actively impress air traffic

Control.

Although I will say, that is the

Exact reaction I want every time

I do a single push-up.

"Holy cow.

I mean, good job getting off the

Ground.

No one could've expected

Anything more from you."

And the thing is, that is just

The people that managed to get

Onto the plane.

There were horrific videos that

We are not going to show you of

People clinging to the wheels of

A plane and falling to their

Death as they took off.

And while biden insisted that

"We planned for every

Contingency," that is pretty

Hard to believe given, just ten

Days ago, the u.s. Was

Desperately trying to negotiate

With the taliban, asking it to

Spare our embassy in kabul.

A day later, that embassy was

Told to destroy sensitive files,

And by this time last week, we

Were evacuating it altogether.

Although the secretary of state

Pushed back on the idea that the

Embassy was closed at all.

So, if no american is in the

Embassy, we've essentially

Closed the embassy.

It sounds like you don't wanna

Say that.

Yeah.

No, we're gonna have a...

We're gonna have a... We're

Gonna have our core diplomatic

Presence.

We will?

And... And, in effect, an

Embassy at a location at the

Airport.

Wow, that is a rough

Sentence.

Because "we'll have, in effect,

An embassy" is already pretty

Alarming, then you finish it off

With "at a location at the

Airport," perhaps the darkest

Qualifier in the english

Language.

Because, to state the obvious

Here, an embassy does not belong

In an airport, because it's not

A f*cking wolfgang puck

Restaurant.

And the fact is, america has now

Joined a long line of countries

Who came to afghanistan to serve

Their own interests only to

Leave defeated.

It's a pattern so universally

Known it was literally a plot

Point in "rambo iii."

This is afghanistan.

Alexander the great tried to

Conquer this country.

Then genghis khan, then the

British, now russia.

Ancient enemy make prayer about

These people.

It says "may god deliver us from

The venom of the cobra, the

Teeth of the tiger, and the

Vengeance of the afghans."

You understand what this means?

That you guys don't take any

sh*t?

Yes.

Something like this.

Yeah, something like

It, although it feels like

Ol' rambo could have used a few

More follow-ups there.

"You understand what this means,

Right?"

"Yeah, you guys don't take any

sh*t."

"Sure, but also that our

Political system has long been

Defined by other countries'

Imperial self-interest.

You understand what that means?"

"No.

No, I don't."

"Yeah, I didn't think so.

You know what?

I'm guessing we'll be seeing you

Guys in roughly 15 years."

And look, clearly, we don't have

Time to recap the last 20 years

Of america's involvement in

Afghanistan, much less reckon

With all the long-term

Consequences.

But we thought tonight, in the

Wake of the chaos this week,

It'd be worth trying to answer a

Why were we

In afghanistan in the first

Place, what did we do while we

Were there, and what are we

Doing right now?

And let's start with why we were

There.

Because on monday, biden offered

This origin story:

We went to afghanistan almost



Get those who att*cked us on

September 11, 2001, and make

Sure al-qaeda could not use

Afghanistan as a base from which

To att*ck us again.

Our mission in afghanistan was

Never supposed to have been

Nation-building.

Oh, okay then.

If our mission was never

Nation-building, then I guess

Not-mission not-accomplished.

But the thing is, that's a

Little true but also a lot not.

Because, yes, the primary reason

For initially invading

Afghanistan was 9/11 and the

Fact that the taliban had been

Giving safe haven to bin laden.

But very quickly, that mission

Became dressed up in the

Language of nation-building and

Human rights.

George w. Bush said, "rooting

Out the taliban was important,

But building a school is equally

Important," and biden himself

Said back then, "the alternative

To nation-building is chaos."

And there was lots of focus at

The time on atrocities the

Taliban had committed during

Their five years of repressive

Rule... The subjugation of

Women, the executions in a

Soccer stadium, the destruction

Of the famous buddhas of

Bamiyan, all of which were

Terrible, but which had been

Equally terrible before

September 11th, and we hadn't

Done much about it.

The truth is, between a

Post-9/11 desire for vengeance

And the bush administration

Framing intervention as a

"Crusade" for human rights, they

Built a near-universal political

Consensus.

Only one member of congress,

Representative barbara lee,

Voted against the authorization

Of m*llitary force.

Other democrats jumped to

Co-sign the human rights

Argument, like representative

Carolyn maloney, who delivered a

Speech on the floor of the house

About the need to combat taliban

Repressions, featuring a

Striking visual aid.

I salute the bush

Administration for balancing w*r

With compassion.

For dropping food as well as

Bombs.

Even in w*r, we are showing a

Regard for human life and

Human rights that the taliban

Will never know.

Okay, first, it doesn't

Get much more "the month after



"f*ck you" burqa saluting the

Bush administration's commitment

To human rights.

And the problem there is, you

Could be revealing the solution

For world hunger, but if you're

A white lady who threw on a

Burqa for the drama, you're

Fundamentally distracting from

Your point.

As for "we dropped food as well

As bombs," those two do not

Cancel each other out.

And we dropped a lot of the

Second.

Over 71,000 afghan and pakistani

Civilians are estimated to have

d*ed as a direct result of the

w*r, with many more injured or

Displaced.

As for our program of drone

Strikes, they didn't just k*ll

Civilians... They traumatized an

Entire generation.

The villagers call them

Planes without men.

Shez aman says his

Nine-year-old son, suleiman, was

k*lled by a drone three months

Ago, along with the fathers of

All of these children.

I'm scared they'll b*mb us.

They k*lled my father and I'm

Afraid they'll b*mb us too.

I can't walk outside my home

Because I'm scared.

I'm even scared at home.

Yeah, it's terrible.

So if carolyn maloney wants to

Illustrate "all" the major

Threats afghan society's faced

In recent years, she may want to

Deliver her next speech dressed

Like a f*cking drone.

And those strikes are just one

Part of the answer to our second

Question, which is,

"What exactly did we do in

Afghanistan?"

Because the u.s. Came in with

Big plans, promising to set up a

Modern, centralized democracy.

And yet, instead of engaging

With and understanding the

Country's complex local

Political powers, we adopted a

Policy of paying off and

Co-opting local warlords and

Drug traffickers, which eroded

Trust quickly between the afghan

People and the blatantly corrupt

Government that we helped fuel.

By 2006, in the words of one

Retired colonel, the government

Had "self-organized into a

Kleptocracy" under which people

In power could plunder the

Economy without restraint.

And yet, successive

Administrations kept giving us

Rosy assessments like this:

The taliban have been driven

From power, al-qaeda has been

Driven from its camps, and

Afghanistan is free.

That's why I say we have made

Remarkable progress.

The w*r in afghanistan is

Ending.

Al-qaeda has been decimated.

O*ama b*n L*den is dead.

We have made real progress.

We make a lot of progress in

Afghanistan.

And with time, we'll have it

Spinning like a top.

Oh.

Oh, you will, will you?

But I guess he's technically

Right there.

We did leave afghanistan

"Spinning like a top," you know,

Those things that famously spin

Forever and never collapse.

The fact is, things obviously

Weren't going as well as all

Three of those men publicly

Claimed, as we now know... Not

Least thanks to this revelation

Two years ago.

According to more than 2,000

Pages of documents obtained by

"The washington post," m*llitary

Commanders, diplomats, and aid

Workers privately and in blunt

Terms describe an unclear

Mission, a failed strategy and

Efforts to sway public opinion.

Among the revelations, retired

General douglas lute, the afghan

w*r czar under presidents bush

And obama, saying in 2015,

"What are we trying to do here?

We didn't have the foggiest

Notion of what we were

Undertaking."

Wow.

That sounds less like something

You'd expect to hear from a

General and more like the

Internal monologue

For sir ian mckellen in this

Photo from the set of "cats."

"What are we trying to do here?

Has anyone got a plan for what

This is going to look like in

The end?

I haven't the foggiest notion of

What we're undertaking."

Those interviews were collected

By sigar... The special

Inspector general for

Afghanistan reconstruction, a

Government office tasked with

Producing honest reports about

How things were really going

There, one of which noted "the

U.s. Government's goals were

Often operationally impractical

Or conceptually incoherent."

Sigar's mandate was to promote

Efficiency and prevent waste,

Fraud, and abuse.

And I know focusing on wasteful

Spending may seem like the

Absolute least of the issues

Here, but sometimes knowing

Exactly where the money was

Spent helps you understand the

Scale of the mess we've left

Behind.

Because so much money went to

m*llitary contractors to set up

Projects with no plan for how

They'd survive after we were

Gone.

Here's the head of sigar

Identifying one expenditure in

Particular.

I think the worst case so far

Of just stupid waste has been

The purchase of the helicopters

And airplanes for the afghan air

Wing.

It's clearly risking that those

Planes and those helicopters are

Just gonna end up on the tarmac

Rusting.

They can't even use the

Planes they currently have.

Over 70% of the maintenance is

Being done by u.s. Contractors,

Not by the afghans.

They don't have the pilots,

They don't have the ground

Crews, they don't have the

Workers to...

So why are we buying them?

That's a good question.

Yeah, it is.

That clip is from seven years

Ago, but it's not like, since

Then, we've fixed the underlying

Problem.

Last month, defense officials

Were maintaining that aircraft

Could still be used after we

Were gone because afghans could

Simply service them with

"U.s. Contractors looking over

Their shoulders via zoom or

Coaching them over the phone."

Which is so close to nothing

That I'm honestly surprised the

U.s. Didn't just buy every

Afghan technician a masterclass

Subscription and tell them that

Anna wintour's course would

Supercharge their creativity.

And that's emblematic of our

We came

In, built something on the

American model, almost wholly

Dependent on american support,

And put next to no effort into

Ensuring that it was sustainable

After we left.

Take the government itself.

Foreign grants financed around



Meaning that, as the taliban

Takes over, that money

Presumably dries up, and the

Economy is now poised to

Collapse.

And it's not just the economy

That's in danger here.

There were real, meaningful

Gains... Particularly for women,

Who'd suffered terribly under

The previous taliban regime.

Millions of girls were allowed

To attend school for the first

Time, and women joined the

m*llitary, the police, and held

Political office.

But those achievements are in

Real jeopardy now.

And some who led the way... Like

Mahbouba seraj, an afghan

Women's activist... Are acutely

Aware of that.

I'm going to say to the whole

World, shame on you.

Are you using all of us?

Are we being just pawns in your

Hands?

Is that what it is?

I don't understand it.

They just made decisions with

Their gut feelings or whatever,

All of these men of the world

That they were in power, and

They're destroying something

That we worked so hard for.

What is happening in afghanistan

Today is going to put this

Country 200 years back.

That is incredibly hard

To hear.

And the thing is, she's right.

The people of afghanistan "have"

Been treated like pawns.

While there were gains, the

Initial impulse that led to them

Was purely u.s. Interests.

And for 20 years, for multiple

Reasons, the u.s. And various

Afghan governments didn't secure

Those gains.

And even though this week has

Brought incredible scenes of

Afghan women leading protests

Against the incoming taliban

Regime, odds are, much of that

Progress is now set to be

Obliterated.

But here is where it gets really

Hard.

What was the answer here?

To stay indefinitely?

It is very hard to make a good

Case for that, especially given

The taliban had been

Strengthening in recent years

And had made it clear that they

Were going to escalate v*olence

Unless we left.

Which most people agree, we had

To do.

The problem is though, just as

We went in focused entirely on

U.s. Interests, we're leaving

The exact same way.

And that brings us to what we're

Doing right now.

Because this exit was set in

Motion in february of 2020, when

The Tr*mp administration struck

A deal with the taliban for a

Total u.s. Withdrawal by may of

This year.

In exchange, the taliban agreed

Not to let afghanistan become a

Haven for t*rrorists, and to

Start peace talks with the

Afghan government.

Although, notably, that deal

Excluded the afghan government,

Making this line from

Mike pompeo a little

Hard to take.

When it comes down to it, the

Future of afghanistan is for

Afghans to determine.

The u.s.-Taliban deal creates

The conditions for afghans to do

Just that.

Well, hold on.

You never want two people in a

Room determining your future

Without you, especially if one

Of them is the taliban.

How does pompeo expect them to

React to that?

Congratulations, afghans.

Today is the first day of what

Someone else determined the rest

Of your life will be.

Now, biden pushed our exit date

Back slightly, to august 31, but

He basically followed through

With the Tr*mp administration's

Deal.

And while the taliban largely

Stuck by their promise not to

att*ck u.s. Personnel, almost

Immediately after signing that

Deal, they carried out at least



Provinces and have since pursued

Assassination campaigns of

Government officials,

Journalists, and civil society

Actors, and just this may,

Beheaded an afghan interpreter

For the u.s. Army.

And yet, all the while, they've

Made a big show of presenting

Themselves in a more modern,

Flattering light... Something

That continued this week.

This was a smarter, more

Media-savvy taliban one.

Senior leaders claiming they

Want to form an "inclusive,

Islamic government."

The group is establishing a

"Civilian casualty prevention

And complaints commission,"

Tweeting out whatsapp phone

Numbers for afghans to send in

Complaints.

Wow, that is something.

And set aside the fact that

"Taliban complaints department"

Sounds like a sketch elon musk

Pitched to "snl," I'm not sure

It's going to be all that

Effective.

It's the equivalent of

Instituting a complaint box in

Scott rudin's office.

The problem with the behavior

There isn't "lack of awareness."

A significantly changed taliban

Just doesn't seem likely here.

Their ties to al-qaeda only

Appear to be deepening.

And they're now even better

Armed.

The afghan forces fell so

Quickly, they left behind

Brand-new boxes of g*ns and

Grenade launchers, which taliban

Fighters have been filming

Themselves opening in the

World's grimmest unboxing

Videos.

Incidents which led to this

What happens to the billions

Of dollars worth of weaponry

That the u.s. Gave afghanistan?

We don't have a complete

Picture, obviously, of where

Every article of defense

Materials has gone.

But certainly a fair amount of

It has fallen into the hands of

The taliban, and, ah, obviously

We don't have a sense that

They are going to readily hand

It over to us at the airport.

Ah, yeah, I think

That's a safe assumption.

But hey, we could always text

The taliban complaint department

And see what happens.

I'm sure we'll be dealt with

Swiftly.

So here we are, 20 years of w*r

And destruction.

Tens of thousands of afghans

k*lled.

Many more traumatized.

And the overall sense you have

At this point is of deep

Betrayal of the

Promises that were made to the

Afghan people and betrayal of

The u.s. Service members asked

To execute those self-serving

Promises and who are now left

Asking themselves, "what did I

Just do?

What was this all for?"

The m*llitary sent out an email

To 9 million veterans this week

Offering a list of mental health

Resources with notes like,

"If you're having thoughts of

su1c1de, call this number."

And if you are, do.

This is a grim situation.

And there are immediate

Decisions that need to be made

That have life-or-death

Consequences for afghans who put

Their trust in us, like this

Fatima, that's not her real

Name, and her children have gone

Into hiding after death threats

From the taliban for her work in

Empowering other women.

She thought she was building a

New and better afghanistan, but

Now she's viewed as a spy and

Enemy collaborator.

I feel extremely abandoned.

I am in... I am in danger.

It's not only that I am in

Danger, now my kids are in

Danger.

They won't... They won't leave

Us... They won't leave me alive.

We bear responsibility

For the position she's in.

We said we'd protect people who

Did courageous things that

Pissed off the taliban, like

"Advocate for human rights,"

Even if it wound up putting a

Target on their back.

And now it feels like we're

Walking away going, "whoa, cool

Target, how'd you get that?

You know what?

Don't answer, we're leaving."

And again, I am not advocating

For staying.

At all.

What I'm saying is, we're in the

Midst of a massive humanitarian

Crisis, and we have a clear

Obligation to take in afghans

Who are now vulnerable... And

Not just those that worked with

U.s. Troops, but those, like

Fatima and her children, whose

Lives are now at grave risk.

Although some conservative

Commentators are already trying

To get way out ahead of that.

If history is any guide, and

It's always a guide, we will see

Many refugees from afghanistan

Resettle in our country in

Coming months, probably in your

Neighborhood.

And over the next decade, that

Number may swell to the

Millions.

So first we inv*de, and then we

Are invaded.

The lesson of this 20-year

w*r cannot be that every time we

Turn a country upside down or

Make huge mistakes, our

Immigration laws, our refugee

Laws no longer apply.

Okay, first, f*ck off,

You tag team racial panic

Goblins.

Second, the notion of

"Every time we turn a country

Upside down" is an incredible

Thing to just blow past.

Maybe that's the lesson here,

Laura.

Maybe don't keep turning

Countries upside down in the

First place.

As for, "our refugee laws no

Longer apply"?

We are a big part of why those

People are refugees.

Helping them now isn't charity,

It's doing the bare minimum.

Refusing to help a neighbor

Whose home just b*rned down is

Shitty.

Doing it when you helped start

The fire is f*cking monstrous.

And the thing is, they're not

The only ones who've been blithe

About the fate of the afghans.

Biden's failure to plan here is

Astonishing.

But his continued indifference

To the lives of anyone who's not

American isn't surprising.

He's felt this way for years.

According to the late diplomat

Richard holbrooke's diary, in



Conversation, and biden told

Him the u.s. Had to withdraw

Every troop from afghanistan,

Regardless of the consequences

For women or anyone else.

And when holbrooke asked him

About american obligations to

Those who'd be in danger if we

Left, biden mentioned the u.s.

Withdrawal from southeast asia

In 1973, saying, "f*ck that, we

Don't have to worry about that.

We did it in vietnam, nixon and

Kissinger got away with it."

And may I say, joe?

A-plus choice of historical

Role-models there.

When you're rolling with d*ck

And the kiss, you know you're

Rolling on the right side of

History.

And last february, biden doubled

Down on that argument.

Don't you bear some

Responsibility for the outcome

If the taliban ends up back in

Control and women end up losing

The rights?

No, I don't.

Do I bear responsibility?

Zero responsibility.

The responsibility I have is to

Protect america's national

Self-interest and not put our

Women and men in harm's way to

Try to solve every single

Problem in the world by use of

Force.

That's my responsibility as

President.

You don't have to make a zero

With your fingers to indicate

You mean zero.

You're an adult man, not

A child ensemble member of

Broadway's "matilda."

Though I will say, if biden

Wants to argue for isolationism

Going forward, he's welcome to

Do that.

But what he can't do is use that

As a justification to dismiss

The fates of people in whose

Country we've already

Disastrously intervened.

Because we have a non-zero duty

At this point to do everything

We can to help them.

And that means getting as many

People out as we can.

And advocates for refugees say

The first thing to do is secure

A perimeter at the kabul

Airport, making sure people have

A safe way to get there and get

Inside, because that has been

Total chaos this week, to the

Point that many of the departing

Flights have left with empty

Seats.

And the fact there are people

With visas unable to get onto

The planes is bad enough.

But there are many more at-risk

Afghans who are still stuck in

The visa process, and we should

Be getting them to the u.s. As

Quickly as possible so they

Can then safely finish their

Paperwork... And that can be

Achieved by granting them

Categorical "humanitarian

Parole."

And to the extent any hesitation

About doing this is due to fear

Of political blowback thanks to

Idiots like these, call your

Representatives and tell them

That you care about this.

Because if they think that you

Don't, it is not going to

Happen.

The chaos this week is

Already a stain on biden's

Legacy... The only question is,

How big does he want that stain

To be?

And that is really up to him.

But more broadly, we, as a

Country, need to take a hard

Look at what we've done in

Afghanistan... Which is likely

To be destabilized for decades

To come.

So what can we do about that?

Not much now.

No amount of brute force or

Perseverance is going to clear

Up the clusterfuck that we

Helped f*ck into existence.

And I realize that's a

Quintessentially unamerican

Idea... To acknowledge that we

Can't always control something

We want to control or achieve

Something we want to achieve.

But the truth is, we can't.

I know that feels futile.

But assuming we can go into

Another country and fix

Everything by simply imposing

Our will is largely what led us

To where we are right now.

We have spent decades claiming

That we're trying to solve the

World's problems... Albeit

Almost exclusively when it

Helped solve our own... And the

Result has been, in the words of

This professional

Pearl-clutcher, that we've

Turned one country after another

Upside down.

So we should maybe stop doing

That.

But in the meantime, the least

We could do is help alleviate

The humanitarian crisis ahead.

Because no matter what happens

In afghanistan from here on out,

There is no universe where

America bears zero

Responsibility.

And now this.

And now, tamron

Hall will have you know she is



And here she is, the one, the

Only, the 50 and fabulous tamron

Hall!

I have, in my 40s, now that

I'm 50.

I'm 59.

On a personal note, I'm 50.

]41 And don't care.

Wait till you turn 50.

I'm 50, you are 54.

You and your friends on

"Sesame street" have been

Helping kids and families around

The world and all kinds of ways

For more than 50 years.



Wow.

Listen, I am... As the kids

Say, I'm 50.

How did I not know that?

Okay, I am 50 years old.

I'm 50.

I'm 50.

I'm 50.

This is the best taco I've ever

Had in my life.

I'm 50.

Moving on.

Before we go, a quick word about

Hammers.

Some are eensy.

Some are chonkos.

Some have a little claw on the

End for pulling nails.

Others have a little round nub

And no one knows why.

And one hammer is actually a

Practicing personal injury

Attorney, which

You might remember from this

"And now" segment we aired in



Greedy insurance companies

Play dirty.

Bring it on!

I'm jim adler, the texas hammer.

I'm jim adler, the texas hammer.

And I do my best to bring 'em

Down!

I get angrier than a junkyard

Dog.

I stand tough and carry a big

Hammer.

I growl and bark.

Wake up!

It's hammer time!

I'm jim adler, the texas hammer!

You get the idea,

Right?

He's the texas hammer.

He carries a hammer.

He talks about hammers.

For a while in the middle he

Talks about growling and barking

Like a dog, which is a bit

Confusing, because that's not a

Thing hammers do, but then it's

Right back to hammer time, baby.

Now, we aired that because we

Thought his ads were fantastic.

But since then, we've discovered

Just how much money jim adler

Puts into them.

He claims to have spent over

$100 Million dollars on ads

Since 2000, and as you can see

From this testimonial he once

Filmed for an ad agency he

Worked with, he puts a lot of

Thought into them too.

A lawyer in another state may

Not want to be a hammer, or be a

Tough, smart lawyer, but they

Understand the image that the

Client wants to portray.

Right.

Lawyers in other states might

Not want to be tough, smart

Lawyers.

Wisconsin likes its lawyers weak

And simple.

Michigan prefers them lean and

Lethargic.

Idaho wants every attorney to be

Damp and distracted, while here

In new york, we like them sweaty

And suspended.

Unfortunately for jim adler

Though, it turns out there is

Another lawyer in another state

Who wants to be a hammer too.

I'm mike slocumb.

The alabama hammer!

If you've been injured, call me

Right now and get the big check.

Hi, mike!

Nice to meet you!

Now, if you're noticing any

Similarities, you're not alone.

Because when jim adler found out

What mike slocumb was doing, he

f*cking sued him!

And while we can't get into all

Of the claims in his very fun

Lawsuit, basically, he's

Alleging that mike slocumb...

The alabama hammer... Had

"Adopted his famous persona in a

Brazen bid to confuse and

Deceive consumers."

And the thing is, he's not just

Claiming the alabama hammer is

Copying his nickname.

I'm going to play two of their

Commercials side by side and see

If they look similar to you.

Greedy insurance companies

Play dirty.

Bring it on.

Cheap insurance companies

Play rough.

I b*at 'em at their own game!

I'm jim adler, the texas

Hammer!

I'm mike slocumb, the alabama

Hammer!

That's what I thought!

Oh, come on!

Now, I have to tell you, slocumb

Denies adler's claims...

Including that he copied that

Ad.

And I'm gonna say, good luck

Defending that argument.

But I do actually have a bit of

Sympathy for mike slocumb.

Because if you watch his ads

That aren't hammer-themed, it

Becomes clear how much mike

Needs that gimmick.

Because they're a total mess.

There's one where he's a

"Big bucks" hunter where he

sh**t deer that explode into

Money, one where he runs after

An ambulance like a carousel

Horse, only to get hit by a

Different ambulance.

And then there's this:

Give me my lunch money back!

Where's the alabama hammer?

I've been standing up to

Bullies my whole life.

Whoo!

Whoo!

I'm mike slocumb, the alabama

Hammer!

If you've been injured in a car

Wreck, don't let the insurance

Company bully you.

Call me right now!

What the f*ck was that?

I'm really curious what happened

In the next scene when the

Police turned up.

"Who punched this child

Unconscious?"

"That was me, officer, but don't

Worry... It's okay."

"Explain how, but just so you

Know, I'm going to get my taser

Out while you talk."

"When I knocked him out, I was

Also a child.

Then I said 'whoo, ' immediately

Aged 30 years into an adult, and

Said 'whoo' again."

"Hmm.

Seems unlikely, but you are

White, so I'm gonna go ahead and

Give you the benefit of the

Doubt."

Look, it seems pretty clear to

Me that mike slocumb ripped off

The texas hammer.

And you can see why.

His commercials are everything

Clear,

Precise, and thematically

Resonant.

He's

The texas hammer, and that's it.

And I so badly don't want these

Two glorious maniacs to fight.

It seems the best thing is for

Mike slocumb to simply get a

Different tool-themed nickname

So these two dangerously strange

Men can move on in peace.

And I actually have a suggestion

For you, mike, and it's this

Banana slicer.

Mike "the alabama banana slicer"

Slocumb.

Think about it... It works

Perfectly.

Just like a hammer, it's a tool.

And like your commercials, it's

Unnecessary, complicated, and I

Don't like looking at it.

So please, mike, take this idea,

And take this banana slicer too.

And that's it!

That's our show!

Thank you so much for watching

During this very weird time.

Thank you to our staff

For working so hard in this very

Difficult environment.

We'll be off for a couple of

Weeks now.

But we will be back

September 12th, definitely in a

Studio, maybe with an audience,

Maybe not.

Who knows?

But the point is, that's it!

That's it?

Like...

You're ending it?

Yeah.

That's it.

This is where you and I say

Goodbye.

You know, it is our last

Night together, right?

So you didn't plan anything?

Um...

Conan got a song, remember?

Jack black sang a big song.

Right, sorry, do you

Think you're the conan in this

Dynamic?

I just thought you'd prepare

Something.

But you're not gonna... Yeah...

You know... You're doing in your

Way.

That's fine.

Bye.

All right, um,

Are you sure?

Yeah, I said I'm fine.

So we're done.

Goodbye.

And definitely no song.

Okay, well, thanks for

Everything and I guess, um, I'll

See you around.

Um...

Bye.

I'm not dead!

I'm returning to a studio!

Jesus christ.

This is a lot.

Queen elizabeth had

Princess diana m*rder*d.

Good night.

No, no, no, no,

No, no, no!