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car alarms dry evening in the fading
moons of stabbing victims the music of
the night thanks Chris
pay tomorrow I swear sorry buddy you
broke the cardinal rule you drank more
beer to know you did time to go huh hey
Riley buddy huh hey you got a smoke you
sure have an expensive habit for a guy
with no lungs ha ha that's big talk for
a guy whose only source of protein is
tequila worms that you Riley
oh god bless you man I don't have a dog
huh bowl Kn*fe he have cutlery we were
hoping to purchase some fresh veggies
for a potato ginger ragout I'm trying
tonight what a h*m*
quiet you misanthropic mutant well hard
times here you guys know I give you this
shirt off my back
I'll believe that when I see it believe
me
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you ever have a day like that
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Rylee sister butch
you were always a mouthy lazy
disobedient little prick and a waste of
our Lord's sacrifice
this is his loving punishment okay
mr. O'Reilly I have some good news and
some bad news you're paralyzed for life
geez I hope that's the bad news
I used to love the nightlife
and hang out in a bar I used to hit the
but then I hit a
[Applause]
through us
to see me do the strike my attitude is
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I gotta go home buddy
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I guess this means that now I can call
you numbnuts with real authority
where's Frannie Oh Fanny couldn't make
it today she's with her activist friends
you know that group habitat for
h*m* so what was hair doctors
good news this kid brother's a lawyer
Ricky thinks we've got a good case
against his Bromberg guy with me look at
me Grizz I'm half a man now half a man
would have full use of his arms you're
more like you 3/8 or a man do you wear
contact lenses no why the Saudis ass or
my aftershave holy cow are you ever
crippled look at you man you can't even
move I'm your lawyer Ricky you're gonna
be in this chair like forever
this Bromberg is toast man holy Lorena
Bobbitt's
what happened to you my job business
Punk
whatever it was you must have been
wearing a helmet
Hey hey Riley what has two legs and two
silver wings but can't walk or fly you
with a hood ornament up your ass
come back can I put a business card in
your mouth guess on the bright side I
still got my job
oh no one late for work again I gotta go
and the job's important because as long
as a man has work he still has his
dignity stay away from the drunken
sandwich dear hey Riley
and listen this ain't working out if you
want me to change into the falafel I'm
gonna need some help it's not that Riley
it's it you're fired
[Music]
hmm they're those nasty hunters won't
slaughter you for your fur they don't
recognize you brandy I got fired
[Music]
Riley you're humping your own leg
Spaulding hi Frannie hope I'm not
barging in no we were just achieving a
cosmic mutuality of oneness gonna get
you anything
perhaps a Billabong a beer has a better
job I quit the hospital the sick come
they recover they die either way they
leave I want to make a difference to one
person isn't a good time for us yeah we
were achieving a cosmic mutuality of
oneness I mean because you are fired
yeah that too they replaced him with a
patty melt
Riley you need a nurse you know the fact
is I don't think I'd be comfortable with
you being as my mother used to say one
of those h*m* look number one I'm
a pro right number two we're all
h*m* and number three you got no
sensation in your ass anyway true in
that case fine
okay there's a front door now let's go
home right
you need special help managing your
unhappiness hey I know how to be unhappy
the nuns at school taught me you said I
didn't have to go in if I didn't want to
I don't want to you're making me very
tense and unharmonious I may have to go
to Tibet and get my aura realigned again
for several weeks let's go in if you
really want to this is a teaching aid to
help renew this sexual confidence of
those adapting to new circumstances here
at the centre were totally non r*cist
non abilities and non gender preference
cysts ah here's our little group of
special people Vontae why don't we be
starting by inter dissing arising
ourselves huh this is Riley
Riley's alive
[Music]
psycho masochist major welcome Wow who's
the flesh mattress Riley I'm his life
partner and soul mate Franny you know
these people know hey hey hey you ever
feel like dumping Gimpo dating a real
man I'll have you making noises like a
chimpanzee on fire yeah blazer this is
Riley's life partner beg her pardon this
instant
kiss my meat monkey you don't have a
meat monkey well you know each other
that's wonderful who'd like to start by
discussing their special gift okay well
I had this accident lost my job in
anyway so I'm in this wheelchair now
you're in a wheelchair as well as being
a mouthy drunk oh that's awful Oh
[Laughter]
Riley would you like your shirt back
talk more about your feelings yeah so my
feelings are mixed up since I became you
know what my feelings aren't mixed up I
know exactly what my feelings are are
you kidding me with this where are the
pictures of people lying face down on
the sidewalk I'm not having trouble
I'm not differently-abled I'm freakin
paralyzed
this isn't a special challenge it's it's
g*dd*mn tragedy
I can't walk Riley if can't and won't
had a big fish shut up you crippled
loving misery vampire yeah I think the
healing process has begun oh I hate
confrontation I made a promise to myself
then and there that no matter how much
Frannie bag no matter how she pleaded I
was never going back to that circle of
freakish losers
[Music]
mr. O'Reilly Bethenny Jose muchacho good
to see you man you are a disgusting
little head so I started hanging out
with the Magnificent severed I was as
surprised as anyone went over the next
few months we became pretty good friends
so the Seagal says why do you think I
have mirrors on my feet
[Music]
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you take into this whole handicap thing
like add up to a wheelchair full of
water I mean it you know you about the
only one ever used to stop and talk to
us like like we was human beings or the
folks they need toss a handful of coins
and run you never gave us money plus you
will rule no but you did talk to us I
gave you money all the time no lying
sacks of [ __ ]
[Music]
[Applause]
happy birthday some birthday Frannie's
out at a dolphin massage workshop and I
gotta go downtown for a high colonic oh
I'm not supposed to let on but that's
just an excuse though you might say
throwing you a surprise party really no
high colonic well yeah but it's after
done it the chain you guys all this for
me I baked a risotto pfeffernusse and a
key lime pie
Bon Appetit Riley what a [ __ ] I am NOT a
[ __ ] I'm educated happy birthday
god bless you man we all love you I read
that brother but any foxy ladies in the
house happy birthday honey I have an
extra special surprise for you she bout
to be givin him to a b*mb present
brother dude happy birthday like you can
even have one when you're so miserably
twisted and crippled get him out of here
wait because of your bummer crippling
Bromberg had like a major guilt fit he
bought you a million-dollar house in
Forest Hills it's yours man
[Music]
it's a real-life scream
I smell Jacaranda and rose bushes and
Ronnie's piss bag tennis court spa pool
oh nine bathrooms juice that's a lot of
bogs for a guy with only one poop chute
good on you Riley it's a dream come true
I could get lucky here
no no partial people get away sue sue
nobody lives here they can't buy any of
your five-year light bulbs actually
someone does live here
[Music]
what yeah some guy named Bromberg
crippled male buddy here and brought
into this house so that all of us could
come and hang out next door do you
Bromberg oh no oh yes Morty what did you
do Morty
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I said [ __ ] him up with that house I
didn't say that
like Diana's ruined I think I'm gonna
like it here
it started throwing a lot of parties
actually more like one big party the
guys had fun at first but then I don't
know it's like something was bothering
them they became a lot less fun almost I
don't know naggy
so I figured al with them I didn't need
them I could party with my new friends
my wealthy friends and neighbors who at
least would understand a fellow rich guy
right you guys just show me where all
the good restaurants are around here and
then hey you sick a girl I went to camp
with is in a wheelchair do you know her
hi love I on side do you know him oh
look what I just found in the paper
property wanted in Forest Hills will
trade for island in remote remote South
Pacific
what a deal of course we'd miss you
terribly maybe one of us could drive you
to the airport I guess you're wondering
why I called you here I want you all to
come live with me you can clean up or
whatever for your rent take out my empty
what do you say Riley we were sort of
having a tete-a-tete last night and the
thing is maybe in another life crippled
oh that was nice
eat me what's the matter with you people
ain't nothing the matter with us Riley
since you got that bread you've been
drinking like five times as much of
course I can afford it now I just can't
stay here what you k*ll yourself
so you're moving in with me or what okay
think about it
[Music]
funny thing happened to me this year
I got quadriplegia and a mansion I think
it was God's way of proving Larry Flint
isn't the only rich crippled prick oh
and I quit drinking give me another
chance he apologized a rating for
dissing you and Ambrose oh they're just
Walmart
I am so full of love right now do I know
this guy it's Riley there at all see you
next weekend hi guys
I got your rooms ready oh one thing I
forgot to mention I spent all my lawsuit
money on the house the strippers in the
booze but hey Freddie I got you this so
you can bring home some of those
Dolphins you say for us to eat and
that's how I got back on my feet it's
funny I didn't have any security in my
life until I lost everything I had but
now with my friends around me and we're
drinking under control
everything's great
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