Dude, pube city come alive!
What once was a one-hair town,
has blossomed
Into a bustling
curly metropolis.
I'm still mayor
of peachfuzz village.
Not even a chest hair,
nothing!
I mean, I'm almost 16.
What's wrong with me?
Ah, no worries, bro--
it'll all happen.
I think it's genetic.
I saw my mom naked,
and she's completely hairless.
The new kid just ate
my duck butter!
I finally found a butter
I didn't like.
What kind of world is this?
Turk gets jeena,
and I get a butt-cake.
Hush up,
you little sex-offenders.
Today I'll be teaching
the history of the breast.
Huh?
Kids, put on your
Here we have
A perfect set
of 18-year-old breasts.
But if we go back
into times,
Breasts weren't always
that plump and hairless.
Oh, yes!
So primal!
Prior to modern science,
there were many outlandish myths
About the origin
of the breast.
There was the theory
of a single-boob organism
That first crawled up through
the primordial oozes.
Then there's
the more creationist theory.
Procreate!
Mmm! Let's do this.
And the ancient
boobanesians,
Ancestors to the modern-day
breastafarians.
They believed in an all-powerful
fertility goddess
By the name of juggaloa.
All hail juggaloa.
Today, we know,
of course,
That females evolved breasts
to provide sustenance
To their offspring,
And to motivate cheap men
to buy drinks.
But the breast is not all
tits and jiggles.
It can also be
a breeding ground for disease.
I'm a breast cancer survivor.
But thanks to early detection
from a mammogram,
I had a double lumpectomy,
Where they removed
only the cancerous lumps.
Here they are.
Oh, my god!
As part of breast cancer
awareness month,
I've arranged for a mammogram
truck to be parked
In front of the pier,
and we're looking
For student volunteers.
A nurse will be conducting
free breast exams today,
Between the hours
of 4:00 and 7:00.
And I'll be conducting
free vag*na exams
With my penis, between
the inches of six and nine.
Uh, do I need a mammogram?
I got these in beverly hills,
And I doubt
they have cancer there.
You're never too young
to get a breast exam.
Just feel on your tits--
it's really simple.
You feel for lumps, bumps
and camel humps.
Oh, crud!
Oh, false alarm.
Just a cranberry scone.
Mondo, you thinking
what I'm thinking?
who ever will examine
All these breasts?
♪
Next up to be examined,
Give it up for...
Sinnamon and destini!
We've got to get
in that truck.
Jeena, wait up!
Oh, hey, mondo.
Uh, I just wanted to tell you
that I really admire
What you're doing
for breast awareness.
Your breasts have certainly
raised my awareness.
I mean, I've always
been aware of breasts
Even before I met
your breasts,
Though you do have
the breast breasts--
I mean best breasts.
I meant to say that
you are the best.
Can woodie and I volunteer
for the truck?
Thanks, mondo,
but it wouldn't be appropriate
For guys to be there.
See you later.
I don't believe it.
My penis is preventing me
From doing things
my penis wants to do.
You're right.
If we're going
to see those boobs,
These penises
are going to have to go.
Yeah! What?
Hey, lonnie,
what's shaking?
Getting the guest room
ready.
My old buddy ronnie is coming
to surf cypress hill.
we do it every year.
Uh, except for
all those years we forgot.
Here we are
at a grateful dead show.
Lonnie, look at you.
Wow! Hmm.
Yeah, time hasn't
touched me.
Man, ronnie and I
have had some good times.
Oh, my mother
took me to that show!
But, yeah,
we got our money back
Because mr. Mistoffelees
broke his neck.
Bombdiggity!
Foghat!
I was saving that for later!
Okay, I'm going
to get going now.
You guys enjoy your lunch.
Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Dude, I'm telling you,
It's the perfect plan.
We disguise ourselves
as women, volunteer,
And we're backstage
at boobapalooza.
Hey, look!
Dude, we don't have time
to spank it.
No, man,
there's words in here.
Words we can use.
I guess we did have time
to spank it.
Now we can focus.
Mmm, mm-mm.
♪ love in disguise
♪ lord, imagine my surprise
♪ na, na, dude
Uh-oh.
Bombdiggity!
This must be my proactiv
starter kit.
It's three simple steps
to skin like katy perry.
Muskogee, oklahoma?
Looks like we got something
from ronnie!
An urn?
Ashes?
"this is your bud ronnie."
Oh, my god!
Ronnie!
No!
Why?
Hey, lesbians!
Look!
"jam out with your clam out."
Clam metaphor for vag*na--
very humorous.
these heels
are trying to k*ll me.
I think I just flossed
my bungus.
I can't believe
women dress like this.
I know.
So much waxing and plucking.
Girls care about
the weirdest things.
Totally.
Can you see my camel toe?
Get your free mammies
and breast exammies right here!
Step on up!
Big or small,
save them all!
Hey, ladies,
are you here
For a free mammogram
or breast exam?
No, we're good.
But we're totally interested
In volunteering.
Oh, awesome.
We're expecting
a huge turnout,
And could totally use
some extra hands.
We've got a couple
of volunteers.
Hello!
I'm nurse nachama fingerman,
Of the tel aviv fingermans.
I'm scarlett,
And this is...Snacki.
Okay, let's blast some lumps.
Not my first choice,
but I'll take it.
Would one of you mind holding
the babies while I pump?
Um, okay.
She has to drain
her breasts of milk
So we can give her
an accurate exam.
Gross!
I mean, beautiful.
Very natural.
Ow!
Aw, cuervo and patron
like youse.
Everything felt great.
Breast of luck
to you and yours.
Well, I'm bummed too,
buddy,
But the next set
will be great.
I know it.
It's not that.
I miss those little bambinos.
Ronnie, ronnie, ronnie.
I can't believe
you're gone, man.
no, you know what?
I'm not going to let
a little thing like you dying
Get in the way
of our last weekend ever!
♪ we had some good days
♪ we had some bad times
Hey, everybody,
this is tang.
The changing area is--
oh, my god!
Uh-oh.
You don't need to take
your dress off, tang.
What's done is done.
Ugh, her boobs
look like tube socks
Filled with ground beef.
Her butt looks like
dirty waffles.
Aloha, darlings.
Dude, I can't believe
I got all pretty for nothing.
You'll feel better
after we eat.
We have to hang on!
Oh, face it, bro,
maybe real-life boobs
Are never going
to be as awesome
As the ones we see
in magazines.
Hay que linda!
All hail juggaloa.
Check it out!
It's a miracle!
Our quest for breasts
has been blessed!
We gotta get back in there!
♪ bim, bom
Where are all the girls?
Oh, ye of little faith.
told you.
Give me a carne asada burrito,
por favor.
The tool thinks
this is a taco truck.
should I tell him?
After everything
he's done to you?
You just drank
my snot rocket.
You just ate my fart.
You just got tea-bagged.
English breakfast?
I'll be up all night!
here you go, senor.
Extra sour creams.
mmm, yeah.
Just like my mom
used to make.
Yes!
Does one of you want
to help me disinfect
The mamma-tron 3,000?
Go for it, dude!
You are the most beautiful
girl I've ever seen.
I mean, next to me,
sweet cheeks.
You're hot, but you ain't
got the snacki cakes.
Thanks for
the very odd compliment.
So...You have a boyfriend?
Yeah, but it's not
that serious.
That's awesome!
I mean that you're
keeping your options open,
Like, for short guys,
guys from out of state,
Guys who swim in t-shirts,
and the like.
Yeah, but there's something
about this one.
I mean, he can
totally be an ass.
But when we're alone,
he does these crazy things
That are actually
kind of romantic,
And make me laugh.
Check out this video
he sent me.
You love me, babe.
Huh! Irresistible!
But you should hold out
for a guy who'll pee
"I heart you."
Or now that I think about it,
A video without urine
in it at all.
Snacki!
Uh, would you excuse me
one little moment?
Where is she
Oh, no.
Dude, you gave turk
the sacred tortilla!
Juggaloa will curse us
for sure!
Come on, you don't really
believe that, do you?
I have to say, jeena,
Those were the healthiest,
most supple bosoms
I've ever had the pleasure
of examining.
No!
Juggaloa!
Why hast thou forsaken me?
I mean,
high-five, girlfriend.
Uh, it's what you get
for angering the gods.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes.
I'm going to see your sister's
rack of lamb.
Over my dead body!
Would it be easier
if I took my implants out?
I had zippers put in,
So I can swap out
different sizes.
These are my 34bs.
My go-to size is dds,
But I'm going
trampolining later,
And the big g*ns
give me black eyes.
Come on, man!
At least let me see
the implant.
No way!
It's a violation
of buddy rule number one--
"no ogling of,
or spanking it to
Your best friend's
family members."
Hi, is there room
for me, ladies?
Come on in.
The more the merrier.
What happened
to buddy rule number one?
Movement to amend
rule number one.
Movement denied.
You can go ahead
and take your shirt off.
Ooh! What fulsome bosoms!
I'm so lucky
they've held up.
My son mondo nursed
till he was five.
Almost ruined my nips.
He sucked so hard,
They looked like
chewed bubble gum
Stuck to a balloon.
Ugh.
All right,
everything looks peachy.
Give it up, man.
I guess queen juggaloa
has done her worst.
It's so rockin' in here,
You'd think carrie underwood
was performing.
Uh, hello, babster.
Check it--
we have the same bras.
Shazam!
We're being punished.
Whoa!
- Hello, gentlemen.
- Wadska?
I can't wait
to see some hooters!
Oh, darn it!
Does anybody have
an extra maxi pad?
I forget ot put one
in my fanny pack this morning.
Oh, I'm menstruating too.
I can loan you a tampy.
But I only have the kind
you insert with your finger,
To reduce your
carbon footprint.
It's not right to leave
those plastic applicators around
For our children.
I've been giving
the new sports tampons a whirl,
But I don't have
an extra, sorry.
Oh, tampons are a no-go.
I don't like anything
going inside me
Since morty d*ed.
Wh--what do you girls use?
Uh, you know, I just
roll up some newspaper.
Uh, old pizza crust for me.
Oops, sorry,
I blarted.
I get the worst gas
when flo-rida's in the heezy.
Can I get a "woo, woo"?
I hear ya, sister.
This truck sucks.
I'm outie.
oh, no!
Dude, we should have bailed
after the "blart."
Well, old friend...
We always said
that if one of us
Were to break on through
to the other side,
The other would make sure
he went out in a blaze of glory.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's not volunteer
for the pap smear bus.
This is the worst day
of my life.
Let's stick
to watching boobs
In their natural habitat--
the internet.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh--oh, no!
What?
I've...
What?
I've...
Got a lump!
I can't believe
the truck is gone!
This is a nightmare!
You've got to chill.
I took one of these brochures.
Dude, we don't have time
to spank it.
No, man,
there's words in here--
Words we can use.
I guess we did
have time to spank it.
Now we can focus.
Okay, do you have any
of the following symptoms:
"redness, swelling,
Skin dimpling or puckering,
and discharge?"
From where?
It doesn't say.
From where?
It doesn't say.
Then yes!
Mm-hmm, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Well, it could either be
a mosquito bite or...
Stage four cancer!
Oh, my god!
I'm going to die!
Or worse, I can lose a moob!
Will you still love me
if I only have one boobie?
Calm down, man.
I know one thing
that will make you feel better.
All I know is that you have
To live life to the fullest.
Cherish each moment
like it's your last.
Ronnie even had a bucket list.
"stay up all night.
"transfer old albums
to cassette tape.
Live forever."
He'd have done it too,
if he hadn't d*ed.
Lonnie's stone-cold crazy.
But he's also
stone-cold right.
I mean, I still think
you're gonna survive,
But it does make you think
about what's important.
And I wanted to say that
from the first time we met.
We stayed up all night.
That one's for ronnie.
Ugh.
Mmm.
Action!
Dear jeena--
Cut! I don't believe
a word you're saying.
Shut up!
deer jeena,
I am sick.
Tell her it's not aids.
I got this!
It's not aids.
Jeena,
should the worst happen,
I want to tell you,
you're so cool!
And I like you,
I mean, like-like you--
As in a 2 1/2-year
relationship in high school,
Then we reevaluate things
after graduation,
And that first thanksgiving
home from college
Is kind of weird,
but then we rekindle,
And it's even stronger
than before.
That kind of like.
I know you like crazy,
romantic videos.
So I come to ywu
in dance.
dance, dance, dance, dance,
Dance, dance, dance.
And I wanted to say that
from the first time we met.
heal-a-chi-chi, juggaloa!
Bye-bye-lumpy, juggaloa!
Mondo.
Jeena!
What's going on?
Guys, some privacy, please?
Okay, but somebody's
paying me back
For these leeches.
Are you okay?
I saw your video
with the ottoman.
Is it serious?
Very serious.
I mean,
the disease is serious,
But the ottoman sex
is just casual.
Not that I have casual sex.
Unless you want to.
But then it
wouldn't be casual,
It would be meaningful.
I might have cancer.
Oh, mondo!
I love you too.
Ugh. It smells like
the dalai lama
Took a dump out here.
There you are,
my little tater tot.
Whoop, sorry.
I didn't mean to mom-block.
I'm so glad you're here.
I think I've found...
Some breast cancer.
What?
Where? Where?
What?
Where
Show me.
Whoop.
There we go.
See?
It's just an ingrown hair.
See?
It's just an ingrown hair.
Congratulations, sweetie.
You got the first thread
in your man-sweater.
What made you think
you had breast cancer?
Well, I got a pamphlet
from nurse fingerman.
Let me back up.
Woodie and I dressed up
in your clothes
To volunteer
at the mammogram truck.
Well, let me back up further.
It's no secret
that I like boobs.
I wondered why there was
duct tape on my panty hose.
You were snacki?
And you were scarlett?
Well, fiddle-dee-dee.
I can't believe
you would do that.
I don't even know
what to say.
But we didn't see anything.
Look, I'm glad you're okay,
But breast cancer
is not a joke.
Jeena, I-I just really--
She's right, sweetie.
But I have a feeling
you know that now.
this is going to be
A hard one
to come back from.
Uh-huh.
But, dude!
You got a chest hair!
I know, right?
And he's got a friend!
My little boy's
becoming a man.
Oh. Hey, ronnie's ghost.
Oh, my god!
It's real ronnie!
Lonnie, man,
your skin looks flawless!
Thanks, man.
I'm on step three.
Dude, I got your urn,
and thought you were dead.
So I smoked you.
No, man!
That was my stash!
It was the only way
I could get it here.
We spoke two days ago,
And I told you
I was sending
An urn filled with weed,
And not to mistake it
for my ashes.
Ah...What?
I wrote on the card,
"this is your bud, ronnie."
Oh! I thought it said,
"this is your bud ronnie."
Bombdiggity!
By the way,
your father d*ed.
I'm a survivor.
I'm a survivor.
I'm a survivor.
I'm a survivor.
I'm a survivor too.
Well, not an actual
for-real survivor,
But a survivor
of being really scared
Of having breast cancer.
It was a pimple.
But one in eight women
will be diagnosed this year.
And dudes can get it too.
Here's the thing.
If you catch it early,
it's like 98% curable!
So see your doctor regularly
for checkups.
It's the best thing
you can do
For your breast friends.
Cut! Okay!
Places, people!
These ottomans aren't
going to hump themselves!
01x06 - Breast Friends
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Series follows the exploits of recent New Jersey transplant Mondo and his new best friend Woodie as they live their life in Playa Del Toro, a fictional Southern California beach town.
Series follows the exploits of recent New Jersey transplant Mondo and his new best friend Woodie as they live their life in Playa Del Toro, a fictional Southern California beach town.