02x06 - Casablanca

[bunniefuu]

Woman on p.a.: flight number 103

to los angeles
arriving at gate three.

- Doctor, don't move a muscle.
- Why not?

That's a fountain
pen you're holding.

You security men don't
miss a thing, do you?

All public buildings
are supplied

With ballpoint pens,
not fountain pens.

It takes a trained eye like mine

To detect a thing like this.

One tap with this point

And you could have
been blown to bits!

Now watch carefully
while I remove the detonator.

Now, do you know what we're
going to find in this rubber tube?

Ink?

Right. We'd better
get out of here fast

Because that ink might
activate the paper.

Come on, doctor, let's go.

Now in exactly three
and a half minutes

You'll be onboard that plane
and my job will be finished.

In the meantime, just relax
and I'll contact headquarters.

Hello. This is 86
calling control.

This is 86 calling
control. Come in, control.

Hello, chief? This is 86.

- What is it, max?
- Mission xyx03

- Just about completed.
- What do you mean, "just about"?

Isn't dr. Pliny on the plane?

No, chief, but he will be

In exactly one
minute and 40 seconds.

Then call me back in exactly
one minute and 41 seconds.

Come on, chief, don't tell me

That you're still
worried about dr. Pliny.

after all, he is in my
protective custody.

And I've got agents stashed
all over the terminal.

I'll be with you in
a minute, doctor.

Max, I have a strange feeling

That dr. Pliny is in danger.

Don't be silly, chief.

We're standing right
near the boarding ramp

And dr. Pliny is
right beside me.

On the floor.

Max, is dr. Pliny in trouble?

That all depends, chief.

depends on what, max?

On whether his flight insurance

Covers being strangled
in the terminal.



Nothing. I'm on my lunch break.

A man has been m*rder*d.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Not from 12:00 to 1:00.

Listen, 13, if you don't
straighten up and fly right,

I'm gonna see that on
your next assignment

You're put inside
of an incinerator.

- Are you threatening me?
- Yes.

You can't do anything
to frighten me.

Last week I was in a stove, the
week before that in a chimney,

- The week before that...
- Never mind.

Forget it, 13. Didn't you
hear or see anything at all?

No, I'm sorry, 86. I didn't...

Hey, I got an idea. Why
don't you ask agent 36?

- He's stationed in locker 39.
- Right.

thanks a lot, 86.

Sorry about that, 13.

Let's get back to the
m*rder of dr. Pliny.

Did you bring the m*rder w*apon?

Yes, chief, I have
it right here.

Obviously the
work of the choker.

He's strangled 375...

Of the free world's
top scientists

And we've never even
gotten an eyewitness account

- Of what he looks like.
- Or her.

- What do you mean?
- After all, chief,

The choker could be a woman.

Well, man or woman, the
choker must be stopped!

Right. Listen, chief,

I have to go down to the
lab and check on something.

- I'll see you in a few minutes.
- All right, max.

We may have an
eyewitness, chief.

That's the break we've
been waiting for. Who is it?

A cab driver by the
name of andrew bubinski.

Send him in.

- Andrew bubinski?
- Yeah.

What are you guys, some
kind of spies or something?

Mr. Bubinski, can you tell
us exactly what you saw?

I seen this mugger
choking this old guy.

He was pulling on his tie.

- You saw this happening?
- Sure.

Didn't you think it was strange?

Look, mister, I
work the night shift.

I don't think nothing's strange.

- Did you get a good look at the assailant?
- What do you think?

- I was standing right there waiting.
- Waiting?

I thought after they
finished they might want a cab.

What I'm trying to
get out of you is:

Can you describe the man?

If you want to make a
buck, you gotta hustle.

What did the k*ller look like?

Well... He wasn't too tall.

He was kind of pale
and weak-looking.

With this long nose
and black beady eyes.

- That's him. There, there!
- Where, where?

That's maxwell
smart, one of our men!

He's the k*ller. I saw him.

Of course you saw me. I was guarding
dr. Pliny while he was being strangled.

He had the guy pinned. I
saw it with my own eyes.

All right. Thank
you, mr. Bubinski.

- He's got k*ller's eyes.
- I have not!

That'll be all, mr. Bubinski.

- Sure you don't want a cab?
- No.

How about you, k*ller?

- Get him out of here.
- Come on!

That's some swell
witness you've got there.

It's too bad. We were counting on
that man for a description of the choker.

Hello?

Oh yes, 77.

What?

Oh. All right, thank you, 77.

They checked the
airport thoroughly.

They didn't come up with
anybody even remotely suspicious.

Stymied again.

Only one plane took off
after dr. Pliny was k*lled.

- The choker must be on it.
- Where was that plane going, chief?

- Casablanca.
- I'm ready, chief.

No, max, not you. The
choker might recognize you.

Not necessarily, chief.
He was inside the locker.

- He might recognize your voice.
- But I can change my voice, chief.

I can play any part.
Get a load of this...

No, max, forget it. I'll have
to take you off the case.

But I've spent a lot of
time on this case, chief.

I'll arrange for you to take a
little time off. You need a respite.

Is that anything
like an aspirin?

No, max, a rest. A
vacation, a respite.

If there's anything I don't need
at this time, chief, it's a respite.

I personally want
to avenge the death

Of my very good and dear
friend, dr. What's-his-name.

Max, you're starting on a
two-week vacation immediately.

- Do I have to, chief?
- That's an order!

Okay, chief, okay.

You'll be left all alone

Without my experience
and know-how.

You'll be making hundreds
of decisions without my advice.

And loving it.

No, carlson, I'm afraid
disguise hb-61 won't work.

- She just doesn't look like a boy!
- Thank you, chief.

But, chief, the
oriental houseboy

Is the best disguise
we've ever had.

Agent 39 used it to crack
the hong kong smuggling case.

Carlson, agent 39 was
an oriental houseboy.

He was?

Try costume ld-813.

Hello, this is the chief.

Oh, hello, max, what is it?

Listen, chief,
I've been thinking.

Good, max. The vacation's
helping already.

No, chief, I've been thinking that the
reason you're sending me on vacation

Is because you're not
happy with my work.

Oh, put it this way: you're
work's as good as it's ever been.

Oh, good. Then I can
go back on the case.

- No, max.
- Look, let me put it another way, chief.

Are you angry because of
what happened to dr. Pliny?

Why should I be angry just
because a man you were protecting

Was strangled while
standing right beside you?

Oh, then I'm back on the case?

No, max. Absolutely, positively

Definitely no!

Listen, chief, if you're
undecided I can call you back.

Chief?

- Oh yes, 99, that's much better!
- It's lovely, chief.

- But what's my cover?
- A vocalist.

You're kidding?

I've heard you sing,


But I'm an amateur!

You just turned
professional. Congratulations.

We're booking you into the
bent parrot cafe in casablanca.

The bent parrot...
The watering hole

Of the world's most
notorious double agents.

Yes, a melting pot of criminals
of all races and creeds.

- And the headquarters of the choker.
- Right!

They have a policy of
hiring offbeat singers.

I'm not offbeat,
chief. I'm off-key.

You better not be, 99.
Your life may depend on it.

- Right, chief.
- Oh, 99?

- Yes?
- Don't say anything about this to max.

Oh, chief, I wouldn't! He'd
be absolutely crushed

If he knew I was
taking over this case.

He might try to follow
you to casablanca.

That's why I'm putting him
on a plane to canada today.

Listen, chief, why don't you join
max? You could use a vacation.

Just imagine it... An isolated
cabin on a snow-clad mountain,

Just you and max...

I don't understand, chief. You
didn't have to drive me to the airport.

I want to make sure
you get on that plane.

Why are you trying to get rid of me?
You're supposed to be like a father to me.

All right, max, I'm your father.

Now make believe you're a good
boy and I'm sending you to camp.

- Okay, but on one condition.
- What's that?

- If I get homesick can I come back?
- No, max.

- Gee, dad.
- Cut it out, max!

All right, do me one
favor, will you, chief?

What?

While I'm gone, try to keep the case open.

last call for flight number


- now boarding at gate six.
- have a good vacation, max.

Emcee: and now,
ladies and gentlemen,

Direct from the
boy-boy club in new york,

We present for your
elegant dining pleasure

a songstress who
needs no introduction,

An enchantress
of 1,001 nights...

I can see you're
impatient to meet her,

So without any further delay,

Here she is!

Pardon, monsieur, are you
perhaps an american tourist?

Tremendous guess!

You are dressed
a little strangely.

After all, the
temperature here is 101°.

Oh really? Well, I
find it quite chilly.

I find that hard to
believe, monsieur.

Would you believe
comfortably cool?

I don't think so.

How do the words "heat
prostration" grab you?

Hello, long distance? I
want to call washington d.c.

Operator: you can now
dial washington direct.

the area code is 202.

Operator, the light
is a little dim in here.

I wonder if you'd
mind dialing it for me?

- yes, sir.
- the number is 547-2791.

thank you, sir.
That will be 75 dihars

for the first three
minutes, please.

Operator, I'm
dialing from my shoe.

is that a private
shoe or a pay shoe?

- Private.
- under what name is the shoe listed, sir?

- Maxwell smart.
- thank you, sir. I will connect you.

- Hello, chief?
- Max! Nice to hear from you.

How's the weather up
there among the big pines?

Uh, a little warmer
than we expected, chief.

Don't give up, max. Maybe tonight
you'll have a nice snowstorm.

Uh, I doubt that
very much, chief.

Oh, chief, by the way,

How is 99?



Oh. Uh...

Is she there? I
mean in washington?

Sure, max. She's right in
the next room working.

- You want to talk to her?
- No, that's all right, chief.

- Just tell her I said hello.
- Okay, I'll do that.

Chief, you remember
our conversation

When we decided the
choker might be a woman?

Yes, max, but forget the
choker. Just enjoy your vacation

And try not to get frostbite.

That I can promise you, chief.

- Hello?
- chief, 99.

Hello, 99. Trouble?

Well, not exactly, chief.

But there's a man
here in casablanca

That looks exactly like max.

It couldn't possibly
be max. He's in canada.

I put him on the plane myself.

You're absolutely certain
that he's in canada, chief?

Absolutely certain, 99. He called
me from there not five minutes ago.

Hmmm. Chief...

Do you remember the cab driver?

Remember he said he
saw max k*ll dr. Pliny?

Maybe this man who looks
like max is really the choker.

I think you're right, 99.

- Shall I put plan 7 into action?
- right away, 99.

Oh, and one other thing, 99...

The man you're dealing
with is a deadly assassin.

Don't let the fact that he looks
like max slow your reflexes.

If he makes one
questionable move...

I'll know it's not max.

Where have you been? I've
been waiting for you all night.

Are you talking to me?

You sound strange. You have a cold?

No, I'm
all right. What's up?

I want g*ns and amm*nit*on.

I'll pay your price,
no questions asked.

Well, not so fast, fat man.

First we'll have a few beers
and we'll listen to the music,

- Then we'll talk business.
- I need the g*ns immediately.

We're planning to
overthrow the government.

Which government?

What's the difference as long
as we make a profit?

Yes, well, I gotta go
along with you on that.

Contact me within 12 hours.

I shall be waiting
for your call.

Did you get the information?

Look, buster, you know
what's gonna happen

If sophia?? Sees
me talking to you?

He's gonna slap my teeth out and
keep me in the stomach for mumbling.

Now get lost.

Ladies first.

- Ladies ask.
- Light me.

Look, why don't you let me
order you a ham sandwich?

Quit fighting me.

All right, baby, I don't
know what your game is,

But whatever it is,
let's get to the part

When we put our
cards on the table.

I've gotta talk to you.

Okay, you've got two
minutes. Start talking.

I can't talk to you here.

Come to my dressing
room in about five minutes.

All right, what am I gonna
get in your dressing room

- That I can't get here?
- Me.

- Play it again, sam.
- My name ain't sam.

Don't confuse me.
I'm new in casablanca.

Put your hands up very slowly.

Now maybe I can help you.

What are you looking for?

Well, I could say
the maltese falcon,

But you'd never believe me.

Back up.

stand still.

Now are you or are you not max?

Max who?

Maxwell smart.

- Well, I could ask you the same question.
- Ask it.

Are you or are you
not maxwell smart?

If you are maxwell smart,

You'd better speak up
fast before it's too late.

I am no more maxwell
smart than you are 99.

Max!



Max, I thought it was you,

But you're supposed
to be in canada.

Well, I thought that
you were in washington.

Oh, max, I feel so much
better now that you're here.

Look, let me get out of
this and we'll compare notes.

What have you found out so far?

nothing much, max.

i've been concentrating on you.

Frankly, I think this
is a wild goose chase.

I think the choker is


i don't know. I don't think so.

i think he's probably
closer than we think,

possibly right under our noses.

maybe after we get to know

some of those
characters in the bar...

max?

No!

Max, you're all right!

Yes.

He fell for the old
false neck trick.

And this is what saved
your life, eh, max?

- Right, chief.
- And you, 99,

You did a particularly fine job.

Oh, thank you, chief. I
enjoyed every minute of it.

And you know something?

I think blondes
do have more fun.

This false neck is an ingenious
device, max. Who made it for you?

The ingenious device
department, chief.

- Oh, of course.
- You see, I first had the idea

About three weeks ago when
the laundry sent back my shirts

With too much
starch in the collar.

Tell me, max, how did you know

That the singer at the
bent parrot was really 99?

Well, after all, chief,
I am a trained agent.

Nothing gets by me but the wind.

The first thing I
noticed was her walk.

It's very hard to
disguise a walk.

then there are certain
vocal characteristics.

Speech patterns, eh, max?

Right, chief. You know
what really gave her away?

- The way that she said two words.
- What were they?

She said, "I'm 99."

But what if I hadn't
said anything, max?

Well, there are
other methods, 99.

For example, there's smell.

As I stand here right now,

I'm taking notice of that
cologne that you're wearing...

Seductive, subtle,

Feminine, mysterious.

But max, I'm not
wearing any cologne.