01x22 - Smart, the Assassin

[bunniefuu]

Your move, max.

Chief, when was
the last time I
beat you at chess?

You've never beaten me
at chess, max.

That long ago, eh?

Well, that situation
is about to be remedied.

You walked into
a very cleverly laid
trap, chief.

Now watch carefully.

I'm about to execute
a fantastic maneuver.

After this move,
the game will
be over.

- Checkmate.
- Just as I predicted.

The game is over.

Coffee and rolls,
gentlemen?

Oh, yes.
Thank you,
devonshire.

[ Squirts ]

Actually,
that wasn't the move
I had in mind.

This time I'm going
to chop you just--

Don't drink
that coffee.

Waiter.hey, you!
Come back here.

[ Crowd mutters ]

- He got away.
- Well, what happened,
devonshire?

I saw that scoundrel
pour something into
your coffee, chief.

Are you sure?

Devonshire, I'm sure
you're imagining things.

Just in case, chief,
better let me
taste it.

No, wait
a minute, max.

Now that's what
I call strong coffee.

That was acid.

Devonshire,
you've saved my life.

How can I
thank you?

By accepting
my most embarrassed
apologies, chief.

To think a thing
like this should happen
at the regency club.

Waiter...

Max, that looks
like the work
of kaos.

You're right, chief.
It looks like they're
out to k*ll you.

But don't worry.
From now on,

I'll be with you
every minute, day and night.

In order to get
to you, they're going
to have to k*ll me first.

Aw, thank you, max.

Wait a minute,
chief.

Just as I thought,
it's ticking.

The old time-b*mb-
in-the-roll trick.

Strange.
I could have sworn
I heard it ticking.

You did, max.
My watch.

That's funny.
It's not ticking now.

[ theme music playing ]

I don't mind
telling you, max,
I'm a little concerned

That a kaos man
was able to get
into the regency club.

Me too, chief.
Imagine, a private
club like that.

There's no telling
where they'll be able

To infiltrate next,
maybe even the pentagon.

You're right, chief.
But even if they do get
a man into the pentagon,

That's not saying
he'll be able
to get out.

I remember
one of our own agents was
lost in there for three days.

Three days?
Max, no agent could be
that confused.

Well, let's see now.
I went in on a friday...

- I came out on--
- never mind, max.

Watch the phone,
I'll be back
in a minute.

Hello, chief.
Max, I just heard what
happened at the regency club.

- I'm worried.
- Me too, 99.

The chief is going
to have to be guarded
day and night.

We can't let him
out of our sight
for one single minute.

But max, you know how
he hates to have people
around him constantly.

I have to leave the building.
I'll be back soon.

Does he at least have
a g*n to protect himself?

I don't know, 99.
I'd better check
and find out.

Right.

Here, let me help you
on with your coat, chief.

Thank you, max.

There you go.

Thank you,
goodbye.

Bye, chief.

Does he
have a g*n?

- Mm-hm.
- Are you sure?

Positive, 99.
Here it is.

Max, now he has
no way to protect
himself at all.

Oh...

Well, at least he
won't sh**t himself
accidentally.

Max, I've been
thinking about
the regency club.

Do you think it's
a good idea for you
and the chief

To expose yourself
to danger by playing
chess there?

Don't be
ridiculous, 99.

The regency club is
the one place the chief
and I will be absolutely safe.

Besides,
there's a good man
looking out for us there.

- Who's that?
- Good old trustworthy
cedric devonshire.

"You thought"?!
Kaos doesn't pay
you to think.

You men were
sent here to obey.

It's taken me years
to gain my position of trust
at the regency club.

And it has proven
a veritable stockpile
of information for kaos.

If that assassination
attempt had been
successful,

It would have
ruined everything.

It was our understanding
that headquarters
issued orders

To have the chief
of control liquidated.

Gentlemen,
there is a plan
in the works

To eradicate both
the chief of control

And maxwell smart

In such a way
that there will be
no link to kaos.

I have just completed
my final experiment

And it is
an unqualified success.

What is "it"?

All in due time,
gentlemen.

Tomorrow morning,
I want maxwell smart
abducted

And brought
to me

Alive.

[ g*nf*re ]

Don't k*ll him.
We've got to take
him alive.

Make him use up
his amm*nit*on.

[ g*nf*re continues ]

Hello, control?

Operator:
what number
are you calling?

I'm calling control,
operator.

i cannot hear you
clearly, sir.

Sorry about that, operator.
You see, I'm in a running
g*n battle.

Wait a minute,
I'll put my sil*ncer on.

Is that better
operator?

yes, much better, sir.

now, whom do you want?

I'm calling control,
operator.

control?

Yes, a master spy organization
here in washington,

Operated by the forces of good
in the free world

To combat the forces of evil
and totalitarianism.

would you please
spell that, sir?

Control:
c-o-n--

no, "totalitarianism."

Operator,
would you please hurry?
I'm in great danger.

one moment, please.

that number
has been changed.

have you a pencil?

Operator, I've got
a fantastic memory.
Just give me the number.

i'd prefer you
to make a note
of the numbers

to avoid dialing
incorrectly.

Just a minute.

I've got a pen.
Go ahead, give it to me.

the number is
5-5-5-6-2-1-3.



what number
are you dialing?

Operator,
I'm calling control.

you have dialed
incorrectly.

give me your name
and address, and your dime
will be refunded.

Operator, I'm calling
from my shoe.

what is the number
of your shoe, sir?

It's an unlisted shoe,
operator.

Never mind.

[ g*n clicks ]

- That's it.
- Let's take him.

[ phone ringing ]

Receptionist:
control headquarters...
control headquarters.

Sorry,
wrong number.

Gentlemen...

I am about
to administer "it."

That's it?

It's a brainwashing
pill,

The end result
of 15 years of
private research.

Kaos spy:
it's working
already.

Maxwell smart,
agent 86 of control,

- do you hear me?
- [ robotically ] I hear you.

I'm about to give you
certain commands

Which you will carry out
with blind obedience
when you awaken,

Though you
will remember nothing
of this conversation.

do you understand?

I understand.

You will play chess
this evening as usual

With the chief of control
at the regency club.

I will play chess
this evening as usual

With the chief of control
at the regency club.

The chief will win,
as usual,

When he wins, he will utter
the word "checkmate."

"Checkmate" is
your command word.

"Checkmate" is my
command word.

when you hear the word
"checkmate,"

You will draw
your revolver,

Take careful aim
and sh**t to k*ll.

When I hear
the word "checkmate,"

I will draw
my revolver,

Take careful aim

- And sh**t to k*ll.
- gentlemen,

It is now high noon.

The effectiveness
of that pill will last

For exactly 12 hours,
until midnight.

Since smart and the chief
begin their chess game

Between 7:00
and 8:00 tonight,

It will give us
more than enough time.

But devonshire,
what if smart wins
the chess game?

Have you ever seen
maxwell smart
play chess?

[ Laughing ]

[ Also laughing ]

He should be
coming round at
any moment now.

Imagine the scandal
when the top agent
of control

Kills his own chief
right under the noses

Of the most important
government officials
at their very own club.

It will mean
the end of control as
an effective organization.

And it will mean the end
of maxwell smart himself,

As he will be
tried and ex*cuted
for m*rder,

And all because
of a little white
brainwashing pill.

- [ Max grunting ]
- he's coming to.

You fool!

We wanted him
to use that phone

To call control
so they can help
him escape.

It has to look as
though he got away
on his own

- Or the plan won't work.
- What do you mean?

If we let smart go,
control will be
suspicious

As to why we
captured him and then
let him walk out free.

He's waking up.

Come on.we've got
to get out here.

[ Sighs ]

"Souvenir,
kaos convention,

Atlantic city, 1923."

This must be
kaos headquarters.

They broke
my shoe phone.

Ask him some questions
about his chief.

That will make him think
we kidnapped him just
to get information.

Then find some way
to give him these keys
and let him escape.

But won't that
make him suspicious?

Not if you play
your cards right.

Fortunately,
maxwell smart considers himself
quite the ladies' man.

[ Both giggling ]

Well...

Hello there.

Hello there.

Uh, you may
call me shirley,
mr. Smart.

I see you
know my name.

All kaos agents know
the name of the famous
maxwell smart.

Tell me,
mr. Smart--

You can
call me max.

[ Laughs ]
tell me, max...

Where does your chief go
on wednesday nights?

I'm afraid you'll
have to be a little more
specific than that, shirley.

- What wednesday night?
- How about next
wednesday night?

You're wasting
your time.

That's classified
information.

Then what are you doing
next wednesday night,
maxie?

Maybe we could
do it together.

I'm afraid not.
You see I'm guarding

The chief at a concert
next wednesday night.

How about another
night then, maxie,

At your place?

I'm sorry, but I'm
not allowed to have any
kaos agents at my place.

How about your place?

Here's my
phone number.

And here
are the keys
to the cell.

Call me when
you escape.

Goodbye, maxie.

It gets easier
all the time.

He threw those keys
out the window.

Get downstairs
and retrieve them.

Shirley, get back
in there.

Now why did you
throw those keys away?

Are you kidding?

You didn't really
expect me to fall

- For the oldest trick
in the world, did you?
- What trick?

I put the key
in the lock

And pffft,


[ Groans ]

Take that tray
of food in to him,
then turn your back.

Let him overpower you
so he can escape.

It's my lunch.

Perhaps you would
rather do without lunch
permanently?

[ Clears throat ]

Your lunch,
mr. Smart.

Mmm.
That smells
delicious.

I wonder if you'd
mind tasting
that for me?

Not at all.

Tastes all right
to me.

Oh, go ahead,
have another bite.

Sure, thanks.

- [ plate breaks ]
- what did you do
that for?

Because that's
the second oldest
trick in the world.

- What is?
- Well, you taste
the food,

Go next door
and take an antidote

For the poison
you just swallowed

And I'm left here
to die like a dog.

No, thank you.

You get in there
and help him escape.

- How?
- How?

I don't know how.
Use your ingenuity.

Maybe if we all
just went in there
and surrendered.

Get in there.

- All right, mister--
- I don'tknow what you've got--

Okay, mr. Smart.
You got me covered.

This?
But this is
only a finger.

You can't fool me,
mr. Smart.

That's a finger g*n,
a g*n that looks
like a finger.

No, it isn't.
Look, it's only
a finger.

You're right, mr. Smart.
It's only a finger.

Come on, smart.
Use that fabulous
brain of yours.

There must be
a way out of here.

He's trying to dig
his way out

Through the concrete
with a spoon.

That will take him
seven years to escape.

Get in there
and help him.

- How?
- How?i don't know how.

Take him for a ride
and let him escape,
anything.

But get him
out of here.

Hmm.
I'm worried
about 86.

I was supposed to meet him
hours ago and I haven't
seen him all day.


max, you're all right.

- Just barely.
- Chief: where have
you been, max?

Chief, you won't believe it.
You just won't believe it.

The most incredible thing
happened to me.

I was jumped
by two kaos agents

In broad daylight
in an alley,

Rendered unconscious,
taken to kaos headquarters,

Interrogated unmercifully
about your activities--

Without revealing
a thing, chief--

then I made the most
fantastic escape

With the use of karate
and jumping from
a moving car.

Max, that sounds
almost impossible.

Oh?
Which part, chief?
Maybe I could change it.

Max, if you were
in kaos headquarters,

Then you should
be able to tell us
where it's located.

Eh... Yes.

Well, as a matter
of fact, 99, i--

As a matter
of fact what?

Well, chief,
you don't expect me
to talk about it

Right out here
in the open like this?

After all,
it is top secret.

I demand
the cone of silence.

- Max, do we have to?
- Of course,

With classified
information like this.

All right,
the cone of silence.

[ Echoing ]
well, max?

[ Echoing ]
what, chief?

Where is it?

What?

Headquarters.

Headquarters?

Kaos.

Oh, kaos.

I've had enough.

What's the matter,
chief?

What's the matter,
didn't you hear
that echo?

Didn't I hear what?

Echo echo echo!

Oh yes.
I heard it that time.

Let's hope the chief
says the fatal word
"checkmate" quickly.

That pill is due to lose
it's effectiveness
at 12:00.

Okay.
We'll wait
outside.

If we don't hear
a shot by 12:00,

We'll know
something's
gone wrong.

We'll come back in
and take care of it
our way.

Nothing can
go wrong.

It better not.

Now you two
get out of here
before smart sees you.

- Good evening, chief.
- Evening.

Smart.your table
is all ready.

Good. Thank you.

Have an enjoyable game,
gentlemen.

Thank you,
devonshire.

- You ready, max?
- Not quite, chief.

Oh, I've been
wondering what you
had in that package.

After the last time
you beat me,

I decided to take
positive action.

"how to play chess

In six easy lessons"?

Yes, written by
an eight-year-old champion,

And so simple even a child
can understand it.

Your move, max.

Don't rush me,
chief.

[ Clears throat ]

"Chess is a very
easy game to learn.

In this book
you will find all
you need to know

To play,
to enjoy the game

And to hold your own
against other friends
who play chess."

Still your move, max.

Congratulations.
It's only been


And already you've
made your first move.

I was not aware, sir,
that speedy play

Was instrumental
in the final decision
of a game of chess.

It isn't, 86.
The only thing
that concerns me

Is that I'm not
a young man.

Your move.

It's your move, max.

What's the matter, chief?
Worried?

Afraid I'm going
to win my first game?

No, I'm afraid
this is going to be
my last game.

Move, you fool.

Make a move.

I could move
my knight here

Or my queen there.

No.

Aren't your eyes
getting tired from
so much reading, max?

Oh, here's an interesting
chapter, chief.

"How to wear down
your opponent."

[ ticking ]

We could finish
the game by mail.

Do you mind, chief?

[ Whispering ]

Please devonshire,
this is one game

I'd like to win
without any help.

That's perfectly
all right, max.

Get all the help
you can.

Aha.

Just as I thought.

After this move,
you'll be in a trap

From which you will be
unable to extricate
yourself.

Good, when you
say that,

I always know
I'm about to win.

- Thank you, max, that's--
- checkmate!

[ Groans ]

You just shot
devonshire!
What for?

I don't know, chief.

But believe me,
I'd better have a darned
good reason.

In other words, chief,
using their diabolical
brainwashing pill,

Kaos programmed me
to sh**t you

- The minute you
said the fatal word.
- Precisely.

When devonshire
forgot himself and said
the word first,

You were merely
reacting to the command
given you earlier.

Max, I can't tell you
how sorry I am about
doubting your story.

Oh, that's all right, chief,
we all make mistakes.

Say, chief,
I got a good idea.

Why don't we play
a little game of chinese
checkers just to unwind?

Fine.
Any game at all,

So long as it doesn't
end with the word
"checkmate."

Max!

Uh, sorry
about that, chief.

There's nothing
harder to shake
than a bad habit.

[ theme music playing ]